Как выйти из ДЕТСКОЙ ПОЗИЦИИ и начать реализовывать себя? ВЗРОСЛАЯ ПОЗИЦИЯ за 3 шага.

Learn how to overcome the child ego state and adopt an adult mindset in 3 steps to improve self-control and personal growth.

Key Takeaways

Child ego states are automatic trauma-based reactions that limit adult functioning.
Recognizing and naming triggers activates brain areas that help regain control.
Four trauma responses—fight, flight, freeze, fawn—are adaptive but can be unhelpful in adulthood.
Projection causes misinterpretation of others as threatening based on childhood experiences.
Shifting to an adult state requires awareness, acceptance, and practice of specific exercises.

What the video covers

The video explains the concept of being thrown into a child ego state, which limits personal actions and progress.
Child ego state triggers stem from unresolved childhood trauma and manifest as freeze, flight, fight, or fawning reactions.
These reactions are adaptive strategies developed in childhood to cope with unpredictable or traumatic environments.
Projection causes adults to unconsciously assign threatening parent images to authority figures, triggering child state responses.
Awareness and naming the mechanism help activate the prefrontal cortex and regain control over emotional reactions.
The adult ego state is characterized by rational perception, equality with others, and the ability to manage situations calmly.
The video promises three practical exercises to shift from child to adult state and regain self-mastery.
Self-acceptance without self-blame is crucial when recognizing triggers and child state activation.
Understanding personal triggers and past trauma is essential for breaking conditioned reflexes and improving interactions.
The adult state enables clear thinking, calmness, and effective decision-making in challenging interpersonal situations.

Chapters

What causes a person to switch into a child ego state?

Switching into a child ego state is caused by triggers linked to unresolved childhood trauma, where the psyche reflexively reverts to childhood reactions to cope with perceived threats.

What are the four types of trauma responses described in the video?

The four trauma responses are fight (aggression), flight (running away), freeze (immobility), and fawning (pleasing others), which are adaptive strategies developed in childhood.

How can someone regain control when they find themselves in a child ego state?

Regaining control involves recognizing and naming the trigger and child state activation without self-criticism, which activates the adult ego state and allows for rational, calm decision-making.

Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

Speaker A

Do you notice that when talking to certain people, you feel small, you freeze up, your voice becomes quiet, and you feel too timid to react as you should? For example, you go into a store just to look around, but an intrusive salesperson approaches you and starts talking about some product, and you can't just say, "Thanks, I'm not interested." Instead, you follow them around, listening as if out of politeness. Feeling small is unpleasant, and so you constantly avoid such situations, and because of this, your actions are limited. And therefore, making progress toward your personal goals becomes either very difficult or entirely impossible. And you might think that this is just a lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem, but in reality, it is something else. It is what is called being thrown into a child state. This is a specific ego state in which your body and psyche literally change. The right prefrontal cortex is activated—it is responsible for inhibiting reactions—cortisol and norepinephrine are produced, your posture becomes tense, and your breathing slows. And you simply send a non-verbal signal to those around you.

Speaker A

They pick up on it, see you as small too, and start treating you accordingly. Some want to pity you, some want to mock you, and others just take control of you. There is little that is pleasant about that. In this video, I

Speaker A

will explain why you are thrown into a child state against your will. And I will give you three simple exercises so you can switch into an adult state, from which you will act as you choose.

Speaker A

You will be able to manage yourself, other people, and any situation. Let's start with a brief theory. An ego state is a consistent pattern of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings that are activated in specific situations. And this determines how we communicate and

Speaker A

react to these situations. The child state is literally a copy of your reactions and behavior in childhood, while the adult state is an objective, rational perception of yourself and others, from which we make decisions and act. To begin with, you need to

Speaker A

understand why you are switched into this child state. The fact is that there were significant events in your childhood, those that greatly influenced your psyche. But some of them were difficult, traumatic situations. They ended badly for you; that is, you couldn't defend yourself,

Speaker A

no one stood up for you, and your psyche stored an image where you are in a helpless state experiencing shame, guilt, and rejection. And this image became a trigger for you. And when you encounter something similar to that

Speaker A

situation today, you are automatically thrown back to the age at which you experienced that psychological trauma.

Speaker A

Why this works so strangely, I explained in a separate video; the link to it will be in the description. In other words, your child ego state is activated reflexively by a trigger.

Speaker A

Let's use a specific example to see what this all means. Suppose you grew up in a dysfunctional family where one of the adults was aggressive, impulsive, or had unpredictable behavior; you lived in fear and anxiety every day—

Speaker A

that is already trauma—and you only felt calm when you were left all alone. And now you are an adult, but you still get startled when you hear footsteps outside the door, when you hear a key turning in the lock, when someone bangs

Speaker A

something around, and you can't focus on your own business just because someone else is present in the apartment. So, the trigger for you is any intrusion into your space by another person. And because of this, you fall into a freeze response.

Speaker A

Freezing is just one of four types of reactions. Keep listening and determine which ones are present in you. These four reactions were identified by American psychotherapist Pete Walker.

Speaker A

He specialized precisely in psychological trauma. He observed that people with the same traumatic experience behave in different ways. In situations similar to their trauma, one person would start acting aggressively, the second would simply run away, the third would freeze, and the fourth

Speaker A

would start pleasing and adjusting. He suggested that a reaction is reinforced not by chance, but because it worked.

Speaker A

Meaning it actually reduced the danger for the child in that specific family system in some way. In other words, it is simply a method of adaptation. Let's continue with our example. How could adaptation to unpredictable adults happen? There is often a scenario where

Speaker A

a child is punished for no apparent reason at all. For instance, they get a failing grade, and there is no reaction. They bring home an A or a B, thinking they will be praised, but they get punished for getting their pants dirty.

Speaker A

Basically, Mom is in a bad mood, and she will find any excuse to punish them somehow. So, no matter what the child does or how they behave, they are always in danger. At first, when the child is very small, they usually

Speaker A

protest and run away, but they are punished even more severely—say, hit with a belt—and then they freeze because the situation is hopeless. But one has to go on living in this system somehow, so they have to develop a new

Speaker A

strategy. And the child starts to become very observant. Meaning they learn to guess moods based on facial expressions, gestures, and gait. They try not to attract any unnecessary attention to themselves. And they begin to think: "How can I appease, how can I

Speaker A

soften the parent if they start to get worked up?" So, all four reactions are present in this example. First aggression, then flight, then freeze, and then fawning. These strategies can alternate, but usually one dominates—the one that worked best. To control

Speaker A

the switch into a child state, you need to understand the triggers and the mechanism of how it happens. So, I will give you a little more theory. There is a psychological mechanism called projection. This is when, instead of

Speaker A

seeing a real person and situation, you project your own psyche's content onto them. And when you are in a child position, you project the image of a threatening parent onto others. But this doesn't happen with all people.

Speaker A

The person chosen as the screen is the one who fits best, the one you can imbue with this significance. Usually, these are bosses, partners, clients, teachers, doctors, civil servants, anyone in uniform, or perhaps just people who sit in offices. If I grew up

Speaker A

in a family with an unpredictable parent, then due to projection, I will freeze at the sight of a boss. When talking to him, I will be slow and struggle to think clearly. If he's nearby, I can't work, and I'll

Speaker A

constantly feel he's dissatisfied and bound to attack me soon. And for all this, I will hate him while being afraid to leave because I won't find another place. In other words, psychologically, I am reproducing the same situation that was in my family.

Speaker A

Knowing and noticing these peculiarities of your psyche is already half the battle. Because when you name the mechanism and the reasons for how it works, your cortex turns on. It is exactly what helps you regain control over yourself. Before we finally move

Speaker A

on to this algorithm for shifting into an adult state, we need to discuss one more detail. This inhibition is a primary, automatic reaction, so you won't be able to control it immediately. At first, you just need to notice and

Speaker A

become aware of it. You can literally say it to yourself. I have just encountered a trigger. I projected the image of a threatening parent onto this person, so my psyche inhibited. Okay, I accept this. You need to hold yourself

Speaker A

in this state without self-criticism or self-blame. Just accept that this is how your body and psyche work. A conditioned reflex has formed; you are not to blame, you didn't want this, but only you can change it. After you have

Speaker A

weathered that first wave and shifted into a child state, you are aware of it. And through this control of awareness, you can now activate your adult position. An adult is a state where you perceive yourself as equal to or above

Speaker A

others. Therefo

Speaker A

become aware of it. You can literally say it to yourself. I have just encountered a trigger. I projected the image of a threatening parent onto this person, so my psyche inhibited. Okay, I accept this. You need to hold yourself

Speaker A

in this state without self-criticism or self-blame. Just accept that this is how your body and psyche work. A conditioned reflex has formed; you are not to blame, you didn't want this, but only you can change it. After you have

Speaker A

weathered that first wave and shifted into a child state, you are aware of it . And through this control of awareness , you can now activate your adult position. An adult is a state where you perceive yourself as equal to or above

Speaker A

others. Therefore, you feel that you can control and manage the situation. Because of this, you feel calm, and you can think and act clearly. The first component is that you need to regain a sense of power over what is happening.

Speaker A

And research has shown that you don't actually need to be a boss anywhere for this. It is enough to simply recall any situation in your life where you felt control and influence. You will immediately feel a desire and readiness

Speaker A

to act. And this has been confirmed in independent experiments. For example, Adam Galinsky took three groups of people and gave them instructions. The first was to write a story about—that is, to recall—when a person had power over someone else. The second group,

Speaker A

conversely, had to recall when someone else had power over them. And the third group was simply asked to describe their past day. In the second part of the experiment, the first group showed the greatest readiness and desire to

Speaker A

act and take steps in a stressful situation. And you need to do the same exercise. Just recall an episode in your life where everything worked out, where you were listened to, and you had control and influence over the

Speaker A

situation or other people. At first, it might seem to you that there were no such situations. In reality, there 100% were. Here are a few examples for reference. Did you feel that way when you looked after your younger brothers

Speaker A

and sisters? Or when people turned to you for help, and you explained something to them? Or when you are an adult, solving the problems of your children or your elderly parents? Or when you are teaching someone, or simply when you are guiding someone

Speaker A

across the street? Once more, you take the situation and break down how you perceived yourself, how you perceived the other person, and what forecasts you had regarding that situation. Let's say I was asked to connect a printer.

Speaker A

How do I feel in this situation? That I am competent, that I understand this?

Speaker A

At the same time, the other person needs my help. They are in a slightly lower position. Therefore, I predict that there will be no threat. I feel calm and act with confidence. The second component is that you need to

Speaker A

regain a sense of security. The fact that this is important was confirmed in similar experiments. People were asked to close their eyes and spend a few minutes recalling a person with whom they had safe, trusting relationships and with whom they felt maximally

Speaker A

comfortable. And these people saw a sharp rise in energy and a readiness to try new things and take risks. That is, to feel secure, we need psychological support, and it is drawn from the past.

Speaker A

Yes, if you had unpredictable, unreliable parents, then they did not give you the experience of safe relationships. But you are an adult now , and you have more support than you can imagine. Let me explain with an example. Let's assume this situation. I

Speaker A

need to talk to a client about raising the price of my services. If I am in a child's position, it will seem to me that absolutely everything in my life depends on this client. That is why I freeze up and cannot even start such a

Speaker A

conversation. It would help me to act more confidently if I reminded myself of my own pillars of support, including support from others. That is, I can, for example, remember that I have friends, parents, brothers, and sisters who are doing well in life. And that

Speaker A

already gives me a foundation, knowing that if something happens, I can turn to someone for help. If I have property , a safety net, knowledge, experience, and skills, I also rely on these psychologically, because even if something happens and I lose my income

Speaker A

entirely, I can still recover it. All of this provides a sense of security in any life situation, but only on the condition that I constantly keep it in mind. Therefore, the second exercise is to make a list of everything you can

Speaker A

psychologically rely on. It is best to categorize it by areas. People, relationships, property, skills, society. To recap: control over a situation and a sense of security are the fundamental basis for feeling like an adult. But there is also a third

Speaker A

component. The third is the conviction in your ability to handle a specific situation. In psychology, there is a concept called self-efficacy. This is literally a person's belief that they know the actions required and can execute them to achieve a result. If I

Speaker A

need to raise my prices for a client, I first catch myself projecting a parental image, then regain my sense of security and control over the situation . Next, I need to understand how to structure this dialogue so it is

Speaker A

appropriate and the client is more likely to stay with me. And this is a matter of business communication. This means specific knowledge is required here. How such news is presented in principle, how to respond to objections , what to do if they refuse, and how to

Speaker A

soften the situation. Therefore, the third exercise is this: find the information that will give you the confidence that if you do 1, 2, 3, you will definitely achieve the result.

Speaker A

Sometimes you just pull this out of your memory automatically. Sometimes you need to spend 5 minutes on the internet, and sometimes you need to read several books or complete a full training course. You must also keep in mind that while searching for knowledge

Speaker A

on what to do and how to do it, you might fall into one of three traps. The first is the illusion of knowledge.

Speaker A

This is when you think you know and understand everything, but in reality, you know nothing, so nothing will work out for you, and you won't even understand why. The second, conversely, is devaluation. This is when you feel like you don't know anything at all and

Speaker A

therefore block your actions. And the third is over-detailing. Meaning, you feel like you need to study absolutely everything, say, all the nuances of business communication, and only then will you be ready to step into that situation. I have a separate lecture on

Speaker A

how not to fall into these traps, called the productivity formula. In it, I explain the five psychological conditions under which a person develops a natural desire to act. That is, internal motivation, where you don’t have to force yourself. Knowing

Speaker A

what and how to do is the first condition in this formula. But besides it, there are four more. They are mandatory; without them, motivation does not turn on. In the workbook, you will have specific exercises on how to

Speaker A

manage each condition from an adult perspective. An introductory lecture is available for you to check out. It has a symbolic price of just 490 rubles.

Speaker A

And as a bonus, it comes with my book. It is called Modern Career Guidance.

Speaker A

How to find your life's work. Details on how to get all the materials will be in a separate Telegram bot. The link to it is in the description. My name is Maxim Vasilchenko. I am a psychologist.

Speaker A

For the last 3 years, I have specialized only in procrastination therapy. If you are interested in this topic, then like this video and subscribe to the channel. y

Topics:child ego stateadult ego statepsychological traumaself-awarenessemotional regulationprojectionfreeze responsefight or flightpsychology productivityMaxim Vasilchenko

Get More with the SozAI App

Transcribe recordings, audio files, and YouTube videos — with AI summaries and speaker detection. 30 minutes free.

App Store Google Play

Or transcribe another YouTube video here →

Free tools: TXT to SRT · SRT Validator · Merge SRT · Subtitle to Text · All tools