Speaker A
I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends. Literally, a couple, a married couple. They're the parents of two young children, seven academic degrees between them, big nerds, really nice people, but very sleep-deprived.
Sex educator Emily Nagoski explains that lasting sexual connection depends less on sex type than on strong friendship, trust, and prioritizing intimacy, with responsive desire key to long-term couples
Key Takeaways
- Responsive desire is a normal, healthy form of sexual desire that is key to long-term couples.
- Trust, answering 'Are you there for me?', underpins lasting sexual connection.
- Prioritizing intimacy and protecting time for it helps couples reconnect.
- Unresolved hurt and criticism erode desire and must be addressed with compassion.
- Friendship within a relationship is a foundation for sustained sexual satisfaction.
What the video covers
- Emily Nagoski opens in a bar with sleep-deprived married friends asking how couples sustain sexual connection over decades.
- Research suggests long-term satisfied couples are not defined by adventurous sex or frequency; cuddling after sex is a strong predictor of satisfaction.
- Couples often experience spontaneous desire, but many healthy couples rely on responsive desire, which emerges in response to pleasure once engaged.
- Christine Hyde's party metaphor: like going to a friend's party, you often have fun once you show up, so commit to intimacy even without initial urge.
- Strong trust, framed by Sue Johnson as 'Are you there for me?', is a core characteristic of couples who sustain connection.
- Couples who sustain connection have a strong friendship foundation and prioritize sex as mattering for the relationship.
- Accumulated resentment and criticism create 'sleepy hedgehogs' of hurt feelings that must be addressed with kindness and compassion.
- Nagoski shares her own experience of months of isolation while writing her book, which strained her relationship with her best friend and partner.
- The central question becomes not how to sustain connection but how to find one's way back to it when it has been lost.
- The couple chose to do the work of turning toward difficult feelings, reconnecting through deliberate effort.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction: A question from sleep-deprived friends
- 00:47What long-lasting couples are not
- 02:00Spontaneous versus responsive desire
- 03:30The party metaphor for intimacy
- 05:00Trust and the question 'Are you there for me?'
- 06:30Friendship and prioritizing sex
- 08:00Sleepy hedgehogs and finding the way back
- 09:20Personal story and closing reflections
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
They're the parents of two young children, seven academic degrees between them, big nerds, really nice people but very sleep-deprived.
Speaker A
And they ask me the question I get asked more than any other question. They go, "So, Emily, how do couples, you know, sustain a strong sexual connection over multiple decades?"
Speaker A
and I am also a big nerd like my friends. I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer.
Speaker A
I'm a sex educator, which is why my friends ask me questions like this, and I am also a big nerd like my friends. I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer.
Speaker A
Before I can tell my friends what those two things are, I have to tell them a few things that they are not.
Speaker A
Research actually has pretty solid evidence that couples who sustain strong sexual connections over multiple decades have two things in common.
Speaker A
We are busy. They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex. One recent study actually found that the couples who are most strongly predicted to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction, the best predictor of that is not what kind of sex they have
Speaker A
Before I can tell my friends what those two things are, I have to tell them a few things that they are not.
Speaker A
Some of them are. They experience what the researchers call "spontaneous desire," that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue.
Speaker A
These are not couples who have sex very often. Almost none of us have sex very often. We are busy.
Speaker A
That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire. But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire.
Speaker A
They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex. One recent study actually found that the couples who are most strongly predicted to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction, the best predictor of that is not what kind of sex they have or how often or where they have it, but whether they cuddle after sex.
Speaker A
There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde, who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients.
Speaker A
And they are not necessarily couples who constantly can't wait to keep their hands off each other.
Speaker A
But then, as the date approaches, you start thinking, "Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.
Speaker A
Some of them are. They experience what the researchers call "spontaneous desire," that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue.
Speaker A
and what happens? You have a good time at the party. If you are having fun at the party, you are doing it right.
Speaker A
Erika Moen, the cartoonist who illustrated my book, draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals. Kaboom! You just want it out of the blue.
Speaker A
"Oh, right! I like this. I like this person!" That's responsive desire, and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term, because -- and this is the part where I tell my friends
Speaker A
That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire. But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire.
Speaker A
Specifically, they have strong trust. Relationship researcher and therapist, developer of emotionally focused therapy, Sue Johnson, boils trust down to this question: Are you there for me?
Speaker A
It's called "responsive desire." Where spontaneous desire seems to emerge in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.
Speaker A
One. The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex. They decide that it matters for their relationship.
Speaker A
There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde, who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients.
Speaker A
God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep. Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed and let your skin touch your partner's skin.
Speaker A
She says, imagine that your best friend invites you to a party. You say yes because it's your best friend and a party.
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I was like, best friends, prioritize sex, I told them about the party, I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin.
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But then, as the date approaches, you start thinking, "Aw, there's going to be all this traffic. We have to find child care. Am I really going to want to put my party clothes on and get there at the end of the week?"
Speaker A
If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party, you know what to do: you put on your party clothes and show up for the party.
Speaker A
But you put on your party clothes and you show up to the party, and what happens? You have a good time at the party. If you are having fun at the party, you are doing it right.
Speaker A
who were at the party. And this happens all the time: nice people who love each other come to dread sex.
Speaker A
When it comes to a sexual connection, it's the same thing. You put on your party clothes, you set up the child care, you put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner's skin, and allow your body to wake up and remember, "Oh, right! I like this. I like this person!"
Speaker A
And the really difficult part is that space is not empty. It is crowded with weeks or months or more of the, "You're not listening to me," and "I don't know what's wrong with me but your criticism isn't helping,"
Speaker A
That's responsive desire, and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term, because, and this is the part where I tell my friends the two characteristics of the couples who do sustain a strong sexual connection, one, they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship.
Speaker A
In the book, I use this really silly metaphor of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs that you are fostering until you can find a way to set them free by turning toward them with kindness and compassion.
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Specifically, they have strong trust. Relationship researcher and therapist, developer of emotionally focused therapy, Sue Johnson, boils trust down to this question: Are you there for me?
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And it happens in any relationship that lasts long enough. You, too, are fostering a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs between you and your certain special someone.
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Especially, are you emotionally present and available for me? Friends are there for each other.
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and find their way back to each other. So my friends in the bar are faced with the question under the question, not, "How do we sustain a strong connection?" but, "How do we find our way back to it?"
Speaker A
One. The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex. They decide that it matters for their relationship.
Speaker A
So I told them about me. I spent many months writing a book about the science of women's sexual well-being.
Speaker A
They choose to set aside all the other things that they could be doing: the children they could be raising and the jobs they could be going to, the other family members to pay attention to, the other friends they might want to hang out with.
Speaker A
And then I spent months traveling all over, talking with anyone who would listen about the science of women's sexual well-being.
Speaker A
God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep. Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed and let your skin touch your partner's skin.
Speaker A
And the months of isolation fostered fear and loneliness and frustration. So many hedgehogs. My best friend, this person I love and admire, felt a million miles away.
Speaker A
So that's it: best friends, prioritize sex. So I said this to my friends in the bar.
Speaker A
He never turned away. And what was the second characteristic of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection?
Speaker A
I was like, best friends, prioritize sex. I told them about the party. I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin.
Speaker A
I told my friends what sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says. She asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting?
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And one of the partners I was talking to goes, "Aaagh." (Laughter) And I was like, "OK, so, there's your problem." (Laughter)
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And we decided it was worth it. We decided -- we chose -- to do what it took to find our way, turning towards each of those sleepy hedgehogs, those difficult hurt feelings, with kindness and compassion and setting them free so that we could find our way back
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The difficulty was not that they did not want to go to the party, necessarily. If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party, you know what to do: you put on your party clothes and show up for the party.
Speaker A
But I can think of nothing more romantic, nothing sexier, than being chosen as a priority because that connection matters enough, even after I introduced all of these difficult feelings into our relationship.
Speaker A
If you're having fun at the party, you're doing it right. Their difficulty was that this was a party where she didn't love what there was available to eat, the music was not her favorite music, and she wasn't totally sure she felt great about her relationships with people who were at the party.
Speaker A
Thank you. (Applause)
Topics:sexual connectionlong-term relationshipsresponsive desirespontaneous desireintimacytrustcouples therapyEmily Nagoskisex educationrelationship satisfaction
