Speaker A
At some point in our lives, almost every one of us will have our heart broken.
Guy Winch explains why heartbreak is so hard to recover from, using patient stories to show how our minds mislead us and how to heal.
Key Takeaways
- Accept the breakup explanation you are given, or accept closure, rather than searching for hidden causes.
- Do not trust your instincts during heartbreak; they often lead you down the wrong path.
- Counter idealization by reminding yourself of the relationship's real shortcomings.
- Heartbreak is neurologically similar to addiction withdrawal, so recovery requires resisting the urge to ruminate.
- Overcoming heartbreak improves overall well-being and daily functioning.
What the video covers
- Heartbreak affects almost everyone at some point, and common coping instincts often fail when the heart is broken.
- Patient Kathy, a cancer survivor, was dumped by Rich after a romantic getaway and became obsessed with finding the 'real' reason for the breakup.
- Having a clear understanding of why a relationship ended is important for moving on, and simple honest explanations should be accepted rather than rejected.
- Heartbreak creates such intense pain that the mind assumes the cause must be dramatic, leading to mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist.
- Hope can be destructive after a breakup because it feeds rumination and sets recovery back.
- Brain studies show withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms as addiction withdrawal from substances like cocaine or opioids.
- Ruminating over memories can act like a 'fix' that temporarily soothes withdrawal while prolonging the pain.
- Heartbreak shares hallmarks of grief such as insomnia, intrusive thoughts, and immune dysfunction, making it difficult to heal.
- A practical tactic is to compile an exhaustive list of the person's flaws and keep it handy to counter idealization.
- Recovery is framed as a fight, with reason as the strongest weapon, and healing benefits relationships and workplace productivity.
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school. She would meet her future husband by age 27, get engaged a year later and get married a year after that.
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My patient Kathy planned her wedding when she was in middle school. She would meet her future husband by age 27, get engaged a year later, and get married a year after that.
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She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy and painful surgeries, and then just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world, she found a lump in her other breast and had to do it all over again.
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But when Kathy turned 27, she didn't find a husband. She found a lump in her breast.
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When you're going on first dates in New York City, you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.
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She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy and painful surgeries, and then, just as she was ready to jump back into the dating world, she found a lump in her other breast and had to do it all over again.
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Six months later, after a lovely weekend in New England, Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant.
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Kathy recovered, though, and she was eager to resume her search for a husband as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.
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He broke up with her. As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did -- he simply wasn't in love.
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When you're going on first dates in New York City, you need to be able to express a wide range of emotions.
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But five months after the breakup, Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich. Her heart was still very much broken.
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(Laughter) Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell in love. The relationship was everything she hoped it would be.
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Why do so many of us flounder when we're trying to recover from heartbreak? Why do the same coping mechanisms that get us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?
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Six months later, after a lovely weekend in New England, Rich made reservations at their favorite romantic restaurant.
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You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you. For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on.
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Kathy knew he was going to propose, and she could barely contain her excitement. But Rich did not propose to Kathy that night.
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Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain, our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.
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He broke up with her. As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did -- he simply wasn't in love.
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Kathy became convinced something must have happened during her romantic getaway with Rich that soured him on the relationship, and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.
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Kathy was shattered. Her heart was truly broken, and she now faced yet another recovery.
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Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase. But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?
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But five months after the breakup, Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich. Her heart was still very much broken.
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Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.
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The question is: Why? Why was this incredibly strong and determined woman unable to marshal the same emotional resources that got her through four years of cancer treatments?
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Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery, but what she was actually doing was getting her fix.
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Why do so many of us flounder when we're trying to recover from heartbreak? Why do the same coping mechanisms that get us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken?
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But heartbroken people do not. But you do now. And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that.
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In over 20 years of private practice, I have seen people of every age and background face every manner of heartbreak, and what I've learned is this: when your heart is broken, the same instincts you ordinarily rely on will time and again lead you down the wrong path.
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and complicating your recovery. Getting over heartbreak is not a journey. It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.
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You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you. For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on.
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So don't search for one, don't wait for one, just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest, because you need that closure to resist the addiction.
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Yet time and again, when we are offered a simple and honest explanation like the one Rich offered Kathy, we reject it.
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Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope and set you back. Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.
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Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain that our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic.
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One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it.
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And that gut instinct is so powerful, it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist.
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All that does is make our loss feel more painful. We know that. Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another, like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
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Kathy became convinced something must have happened during her romantic getaway with Rich that soured him on the relationship, and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.
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argued like crazy and didn't speak for two days. What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you, all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves, and then keep it on your phone.
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And so she spent countless hours going through every minute of that weekend in her mind, searching her memory for clues that were not there.
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But they were not, and neither was the relationship. And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that, frequently.
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Kathy's mind tricked her into initiating this wild goose chase. But what compelled her to commit to it for so many months?
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Five years after his wife died, he finally felt ready to start dating again. He soon met Sharon, and a whirlwind romance ensued.
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Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize. There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another, even when we know it's going to make us feel worse.
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When middle-aged people date, they don't mess around. It's like "Love, Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious." (Laughter) Miguel was happier than he had been in years.
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Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids.
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Miguel was totally blindsided and utterly devastated. He barely functioned at work for many, many months, and he almost lost his job as a result.
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Kathy was going through withdrawal. And since she could not have the heroin of actually being with Rich, her unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with him.
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It temporarily lowers our IQ. But it wasn't just the intensity of Miguel's grief that confused his employers; it was the duration.
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Her instincts told her she was trying to solve a mystery, but what she was actually doing was getting her fix.
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"What adult spends almost a year getting over a one-year relationship?" Actually, many do. Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief: insomnia, intrusive thoughts, immune system dysfunction.
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This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal. Addicts know they're addicted. They know when they're shooting up.
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For example, Sharon was both very social and very active. She had dinners at the house every week.
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But heartbroken people do not. But you do now. And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that.
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Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend; he lost his entire social life, the supportive community of Sharon's church.
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You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is, with every trip down memory lane, every text you send, every second you spend stalking your ex on social media, you are just feeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain and complicating your recovery.
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And that is crucial, not just because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating, but because it tells us how to heal.
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Getting over heartbreak is not a journey. It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon.
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The voids in your identity: you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about.
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There is no breakup explanation that's going to feel satisfying. No rationale can take away the pain you feel.
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But none of that will do any good unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back, the unnecessary searches for explanations, idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you, indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role
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So don't search for one, don't wait for one, just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest, because you need that closure to resist the addiction.
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And it won't just be you who benefit from that. You'll be more present with your friends, more engaged with your family, not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity in the workplace that could be avoided.
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And you need something else as well: you have to be willing to let go, to accept that it's over.
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And have patience, because it's going to take them longer to move on than you think it should.
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Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope and set you back. Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.
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But you do have weapons. You can fight. And you will heal. Thank you. (Applause)
Topics:heartbreakbreakup recoverygriefruminationromantic love addictionclosureGuy WinchTED talkemotional painpsychology
