Crazy Patient Stories from the Emergency Room — Transcript

Real patient stories submitted by healthcare workers at my comedy shows in New West, Kenyada.

So, I worked in a busy ER and we had a car speed up to the ambulance bay and a dude got booted out of the car. Car then drives away. The guy is intoxicated and holding his bleeding arm/hand to his chest. It's a GSW,

accidental discharge to his hand.

Ah.

He shot himself in his own hand. Good job.

We get the guy to a room and he is delirious. We hear a screech from outside. The car comes back and this time a KFC bucket is tossed out the window. A security guard checks it out and lo and behold the bucket has not only chicken remnants, but the patient's fingers as well. Finger licking good has never hit the same since.

What the

Holy shit.

For those of you wondering, you're supposed to put the fingers on ice.

Not fried chicken.

I ordered boneless.

Ew.

What the fuck?

I like how the story implies that he dropped off his friend and immediately reached to the back for some fried chicken and was like, "Oh wait, I forgot his fingers."

I was a first responder being called to a mass overdose call near the beginning of the opioid crisis. I thought we would be responding to a triage nightmare, but it turns out it was a bachelor party of a dozen guys who split a

large cannabis gummy and none of them could cope with their high!

How big was this gummy bear?

Was this everyone's first time getting high?

Each patient had different symptoms from anxiety, confusion, nausea, passing out, etc.

Again, how strong was this gummy?

And where can I get one?

Due to the number of patients involved, we had two fire trucks, three ambulances, and two police.

When what you really needed was a taco truck.

They didn't need Narcan, they needed nachos.

Needless to say, after a quick assessment of each person, everyone declined transport.

Ah, yes. Nothing will sober you up faster than hearing the lights and sirens of a police car.

Glad these guys are okay.

As a pharmacist, I had a patient come in who did not speak English as a first language. They struggled to ask for hemorrhoid cream and ended up asking for "asshole cream".

Asshole cream.

Ah, yes. Well, we all know somebody who could use some asshole cream, don't we?

A hemorrhoid is a little piece of meat that pops out of your rectum and sits right outside your butt hole. It is a swollen vein and you can get these from being constipated and pushing too hard while you poop.

I actually get these sometimes.

When I'm traveling, it's very hard to maintain a good diet when you're on the road and traveling.

I can never get enough fiber and one of these little suckers will just pop out.

And they can be painful, which is why there's hemorrhoid cream to help the pain.

But I have never heard anybody call it asshole cream, but it makes sense.

We should start calling it that.

Long term care nursing home. We had an elder complaining of burning of the va jay jay.

Ooh.

Those are always fun.

Many urine samples later and we still had no idea what was causing this.

Ah, yes. Many urine samples later because the first thing you think of when someone has burning of the VJ is a UTI, urinary tract infection, which can be diagnosed with a urine sample.

Until one evening, doing last rounds, I found Auntie Spread Eagle applying Icy Hot to her VA JAY JAY. Mystery solved.

Oh my God.

Ladies, I can't believe I have to say this, but do not put Icy Hot on your VJ.

Icy Hot is for joint pain and last I checked, there are no joints in the VJ.

I know of.

Had to hold a patient's penis for two hours to stop bleeding while doctors figured out what to do.

Two hours?

What took so long?

Where is it bleeding from? Throw a stitch in there and stop the bleeding.

So, uh, what do you do for fun?

Got any kids?

Is that too tight?

It's my first time.

Oops, sorry.

It's really hard.

Oh, it's getting soft.

Hard again.

Soft.

Patient was speaking with our general surgeon trying to get some clarification with her diagnosis. She had a perforated bowel.

Ooh.

A perforated bowel is an emergency.

That's when you develop a hole in your intestines and everything in your stomach, like the food and the chemicals that are trying to make its way down into your booty hole to become poop, all that stuff is now leaking out into your abdomen, which is bad.

And it requires immediate surgery.

Patient said, "I just don't understand how this could have happened. I've never had anal sex before."

(pause)

Motherfucker!

Perforated bowel from anal sex?

I do not believe you can get a perforated bowel from anal sex.

First of all, how big is this penis?

Maybe about this big.

You can get a perforated bowel from trauma, if something hits you right here really hard and pokes a hole in your intestines, but not from anal sex.

HCW see things people should never see.

I was asked at a party about what the grossest thing I ever saw was. I told them about a patient that was rotting from the inside out and when we cut his clothes off, the maggots in his genitals hatched and flies erupted from his balls.

Oh.

Oh my God, that's so gross.

It's always maggots.

Always maggots.

If you work in healthcare and someone asks you what the grossest thing you've ever seen was and you've ever encountered maggots, the answer is always maggots.

They hatched from this guy's genitals.

How long were they in there for?

Ew.

Everyone looked at me like I was horrible and this one doe-eyed lady asked, "Well, did he live?" I laughed and said, "Hell no! Haha!" It was then I realized my job had killed my soul.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why healthcare workers have a very dark sense of humor. We see flies exploding from a man's genitals.

I mean, come on, usually it's the men who get their penis stuck in the fly, not the other way around.

I was checking in on my coworker/work bestie and caught her just as she was giving meds to her very confused patient.

Oh, work bestie.

She gave him his cup and told him to drink some apple juice. He did and made a face after and said, "Ew, that's bitter."

(thinking sound effect)

She looked at him puzzled, removed the lid and looked at me and she mouthed, "Oh my God, it's pee!"

I was absolutely dying laughing in the hallway. How did you confuse a urine cup for a juice cup?

They don't even look the same.

A juice cup has a lid that you peel off.

A urine cup has a lid that you twist off.

PSA to all the new nurses out there, if your apple juice has a twist-off lid, it's probably urine. Best we can hope for is that it's at least his own urine he was drinking.

Just another typical Friday night, when a man with a chicken stuck to his penis arrived to the ER. That was almost 30 years ago.

You know what's funny about this? I've actually heard this story more than once.

This is not an uncommon thing to have a chicken on a penis.

And it's the same story every time. Apparently, the chicken was asking for it. It kept saying, "Bok, bok!"

Can you imagine this guy walking into the ER? Listen, doctor, before you say anything, I know what it looks like, but the recipe said to pound the chicken.

I was making homemade chicken kebabs. What's up?

I had a patient that was well over the age of life (three digits we are talking about) and decided to whack off and then had a cardiac arrest and died. Guess he left satisfied and happy. Good way to leave, eh?

Yeah, it is.

Eh? So Canadian.

Good for him, man. Went out the same way he came in, with semen.

Thank you for watching. I hope you enjoyed that video.

I am currently on tour right now. Cities and ticket links are in my bio. I hope to see you soon, motherfucker. Bye.