Speaker A
Transcriber: María Constanza Cuevas Reviewer: Tanya Cushman
TEDx speaker Frederik Imbo, a football referee and public speaker, shares why he took up refereeing to learn not to take things personally and explains how ego drives the urge to be right.
Key Takeaways
- Taking things personally stems from the belief that others are responsible for our feelings.
- The ego's need to be right and acknowledged drives personal offense and constant conflict.
- Choosing happiness over being right reduces energy drain and improves relationships.
- Awareness of the tendency to take things personally is the first step toward having a strategy to handle it.
What the video covers
- Frederik Imbo opens with a playful referee-whistle intro, setting up his talk as a 'match' with fair play and respect as rules.
- He became a football referee for two reasons: staying in shape, and learning how not to take things personally (not for the 20-euro match fee).
- Referees are scapegoats; spectators shout insults, making the job a practical training ground for emotional detachment.
- He admits he struggles with taking things personally in everyday life: being tailgated while driving, last-minute cancellations, and audience members looking at smartphones during his keynotes.
- He gives relatable examples: a friend skipping a movie night but posting dinner photos, and a partner walking away mid-conversation.
- He asks the audience who would take such situations personally, and many raise their hands.
- He argues that taking things personally comes from believing another person is responsible for our feelings.
- He identifies the ego as the part of us that wants to be acknowledged and right, and that struggles constantly with the world.
- He argues that the ego's constant battles drain energy, while letting go brings freedom, harmony, and better connections.
- He closes by posing the central question: do you want to be right or do you want to be happy, and how do you become happy by not taking things personally?
Chapters
- 00:00Opening and match setup
- 00:42Why Imbo became a referee
- 03:00Referee life and being the scapegoat
- 06:00Everyday examples of taking things personally
- 09:00Audience engagement and introducing the strategy
- 11:30Relatable scenarios and why we take things personally
- 14:00The ego and the need to be right
- 16:50Energy, freedom, and choosing happiness
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
(Referee whistle sound)
Speaker A
Good evening!
Speaker A
Good evening.
Speaker A
How are you?
Speaker A
Are you good?
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Great!
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Welcome, welcome, welcome to this match.
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This match will take exactly 18 minutes.
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OK?
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And you're all part of the same team: Mechelen.
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OK?
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Hey guys, I would like to see fair play on the field, respect and positivity.
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Is that OK for everyone?
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Cool.
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Good luck!
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One year ago, I decided I wanted to become a football referee.
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Not because of the money, though.
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I only get paid 20 euros per match.
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So I won't really get rich by it, will I?
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No.
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I decided to become a referee for two other reasons.
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One: to stay in good shape.
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Two: because I wanted to learn how not to take things personally.
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How not to take things personally?
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I can see some people nodding.
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You are probably thinking, "Being a referee is the perfect environment to learn how not to take things personally, isn't it?"
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Because the spectators hardly ever shout encouraging or positive things.
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No.
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What do they shout?
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Come on, come on.
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"Loser! Are you blind?"
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Yeah, yeah, good!
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As a referee, I am the scapegoat.
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Apparently, I'm always wrong.
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It's always my fault.
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And I wanted to learn how not to take all this personally.
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Because I really struggle with this.
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For example, when I drive slowly because I'm trying to find a specific location and somebody is just driving behind me, I feel hunted.
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Especially when they start honking and flashing their headlights, I take it personally.
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I know I shouldn't, but it just happens.
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Do you see what I mean?
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Or when somebody cancels an appointment last minute, I get the feeling that I'm not important enough.
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Again, I take it personally.
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Even professionally.
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I'm a public speaker, like tonight.
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This is what I do.
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I give keynote speeches, and I really like it as long as I can draw my audience into my story.
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Because the very moment I see somebody is not paying attention, for example, when somebody is looking at his smartphone, (snap) it just happens: I take it personally.
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Relax!
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You are safe tonight.
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Don't worry.
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Feel free to take your smartphones, and you can even start talking to your neighbor.
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I will not take it personally.
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Why not?
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Because now, here and now, I'm very conscious that this can happen.
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And more importantly, I have a strategy to deal with it.
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So tonight, I would like to share this strategy with you.
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Are you interested?
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Cool.
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Because, I guess, I'm not the only person in this room who sometimes takes things personally, right?
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Imagine: imagine you invite a friend to go to the movies, and she replies, "Oh, sorry, I have to work."
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But you see a picture on social media of her having dinner with some friends that very night!
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Or imagine you really have worked very hard on a project.
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You're really proud of the end result, but the only thing you get is criticism.
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So you come home, and you would like to wind down and share this terrible experience.
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But while you're telling your story, the other one walks away to switch on the TV.
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Now, who would take one of these situations personally?
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Show me hands, come on.
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Lots of you.
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Why?
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Why do we take things personally?
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Somebody says or does something and bam!
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We feel hurt, neglected, offended, betrayed by the other one.
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That's what we believe, though.
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It's the other person's fault.
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He's responsible for what we feel.
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He's the one to blame.
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Now, hang on, hang on.
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Who says that?
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Which part of us is speaking?
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[Why?]
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[Ego]
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It's our ego.
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Our ego thinks that others should take us into consideration.
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Our ego doesn't want to be criticized, hell no!
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Our ego wants to be acknowledged: "I'm right!"
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Is this what you want?
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Do you want to be right?
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[Do you want to be right?]
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(Sigh)
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That's exhausting.
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When my ego takes over, I'm fighting all day.
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I'm in a constant struggle with the rest of the world.
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And it drains my energy.
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Wouldn't it be so much easier to not take things personally?
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Because then no one has power over you.
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You're free.
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You experience much more harmony and connection between you and other people.
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Of course!
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Because your energy can go towards nice things instead of endlessly battling against the things that drive you crazy.
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So the question is: do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
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I know what some of you are thinking: "I will make sure I will be happy by being right."
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Well, how do you do it?
Speaker A
How do you become happy by not taking things personally?
Topics:not taking things personallyegoTEDxpersonal growthself-awarenessemotional resiliencehappinessfootball refereepublic speakingFrederik Imbo
