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hey guys I'm Heidi Priebe welcome back to my Channel or welcome if this is your first time here on this channel we talk about a lot of different psychological models or terms that we can use to understand ourselves and other people
Heidi Priebe explains emotional self-containment: staying present with feelings without amplifying or detaching, and how to build it when early caregiving failed to contain you.
Key Takeaways
- Emotional self-containment means staying present with emotions without amplifying or detaching from them.
- Many people never learned containment in childhood, so it must be built deliberately as an adult.
- Meta feelings (feelings about feelings) often drive the urge to amplify or suppress emotions.
- Self-parenting and gradual, safe expression of emotion are central to developing containment.
What the video covers
- Heidi Priebe defines emotional self-containment as staying present with positive and negative emotions without distorting or detaching from them.
- Ideally, caregivers contain a child's strong emotions, mirror them back accurately, and help the child name and make sense of them.
- When caregivers were unavailable or dysregulated, children may learn to amplify emotions to get attention or to suppress them entirely.
- Priebe introduces 'meta feelings': feelings about feelings, such as panic about anger, which drive either amplification or shutdown.
- She notes that triggers, in the pop-culture sense, are emotions we cannot contain, and that the emotions involved vary by person and family.
- Adults can build containment through intentional effort, creating predictability and safety within their own nervous system.
- The approach involves not denying or resisting emotions, expressing them in a safe way, and letting them naturally disperse.
- Expression should start small and build up, with self-parenting skills used to gradually change one's relationship to meta emotions.
- Relational repair and interpersonal processing can support the practice, but outcomes with others cannot always be controlled.
- The goal is to feel what you feel, no more and no less, and remain present with it for longer periods.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction and defining emotional self-containment
- 02:00Ideal caregiving and how containment is learned in childhood
- 04:50Insecure attachment, amplifying or detaching from emotions
- 07:00Meta feelings and emotional triggers
- 10:00Building containment in adulthood through intentional practice
- 18:00Allowing emotions to be felt and dissipate
- 23:00Interpersonal expression and relational repair
- 27:30Self-parenting and changing meta emotions over time
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
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better and today the term that I want to talk about is the term emotional self-containment so this is a term that gets used quite frequently when we talk about emotional health about relational Health but anytime there's kind of a
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buzzy term like this I like to sit down and have a conversation about what it actually means as well as how we can implement it in order to get the most out of it because terms like self-containment are really important
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ones that can tell us a lot about how to regulate our emotional experience so to start us off let's Dive Right into what does the term self-containment mean this is once again one of those terms where if you Google it you will get about a
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thousand different definitions so I'm going to start us off with my own operational definition of this term that I'm going to use in this video I think of the term self-containment as the ability to stay present with our
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emotions both positive and negative and everything in between without needing to distort or detach from them in any significant way so that means experiencing our emotions without following the instinctive urge to either amplify our experience of them or detach
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or dissociate from our experience of them and for a lot of us especially those of us who grew up insecurely attached or who have past trauma there is a process we need to go through in order to learn to tolerate strong
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emotions without either amplifying or detaching from them so the ideal thing that happens in childhood is that our parents learn to contain our strong emotions for us and mirror them back to us accurately so what that would look
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like is as a child if you have some particularly strong feeling whether that's anger sadness Joy excitement whatever it is your caregiver or some other mature adult is going to be able to create a safe and environment in
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which you can express that emotion exactly as you feel it without them becoming dysregulated by your display of emotion and then once you've had the chance to kind of let it out they're going to be able to help you name and
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make sense out of what you're feeling or in some cases maybe the feeling just needed to come out and that was enough and you could go back to playing happily however as you know if you've been watching this channel for a while not
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all of us grew up with ideal caregiving environments now this doesn't mean that our parents were trying to do things wrong it may have meant that they just had blind spots in their own emotional processing that didn't allow them to
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properly hold space for or respond to our big emotions in childhood in the way that we would have needed for us to feel contained around those emotions so when a parent creates a safe container for a child to feel their big feelings inside
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of the child feels as though they can kind of let go and let it all out and someone is going to come in after the fact and help them put the pieces back together and return to equilibrium if this is not the experience you have
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one of a couple of things might happen one you might learn my parent will respond and contain my emotional experience only if I make it seem about five times as bad as it actually is because it's kind of hard to get their
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attention because they're busy they have multiple jobs there are multiple kids in the house they're a little bit emotionally unavailable whatever it is and in this type of caregiving environment you might automatically learn to amplify your emotional experience and this is going to be
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something that you do well into adulthood if it's what worked for you as a child and there was no significant change in that process for you the other option is that if your displays of strong emotion reliably did not get you
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comfort or support in any capacity from a caregiver you might err on the side of detaching from or dissociating from your strong feelings when they come up because your brain learned from a young age expressing my feelings to other
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people doesn't really help me and if anything it might make my situation worse if for example your strong display of emotion predict dysregulated your caregiver there might be this automatic sense of as soon as a strong feeling comes up you've got to push it down
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because expressing it is only going to make everything worse there is not going to be a contained environment for it at any point so if either of these situations were the case and you did not learn that expressing your emotions
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exactly as they are without any form of distortion would lead to a sequence of events in which you would eventually achieve a greater understanding of your feelings and things would change for the better in your environment you're now
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going to have two major things happening every time a strong feeling comes online for you you're both going to be experiencing the feeling and you're going to be experiencing a feeling about the feeling based on your early experiences of what would happen when
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those feelings came up so we can call this feeling about the feeling a meta feeling but I also find it helpful to think of this through the language of triggers now when I use the word trigger here I'm not referencing the official
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classification of the term which relates to PTSD I'm I'm talking about the more kind of common pop culture definition of the word trigger which people tend to use to reference situations in which they're having a very strong kind of
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seemingly out of control emotional reaction to something so the way that I like to think of the term trigger is that it's an emotion that arises in our system that we don't know how to contain so the meta feelings that we have about
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that feeling tend to be very big and very panicked in some capacity the feeling might be anger The Meta feeling might be Panic so instead of just expressing the anger this feeling of panic that comes to kind of fuse with it
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might cause us to either amplify the anger and make it about 10 times as strong as it originally was when it arrived in our body because that's the only way we think it's going to get heard or it might cause us to completely
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shrink that anger away and push it down inside of ourselves to the point where we don't even consciously experience it or know that it's there and this often looks like in either activated attachment system or a deactivated attachment system and I want to be clear
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that it might not be anger for you it might be sadness that causes some sort of meta reaction it might be need or vulnerability or hurt there is no limit to which emotions trigger these meta feelings and this sense of I'm unable to
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contain this emotion is going to be different person to person and early environment to early environment and it never hurts to mention that no two children even if they grew up in the same family grew up in the exact same
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caregiving environment so you might have one sibling who feels as though they can't express anger at any cost and another who feels as though they can't express sadness at any cost and then maybe another one who's secure these
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variations absolutely can happen within a single family unit but the point of all of this is that to have a feeling that we don't know how to contain means to have a feeling that we have a very strong intense meta feeling around when
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we do not have a meta feeling that comes online to cover up our expression of an original feeling what we can do is just Express the feeling knowing that we are capable of containing it for ourselves and making sense of it so what we're
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going to talk about through the rest of this video is how to do the process of emotional self-containment particularly if it's not something that you have seen modeled for you in your early environment or if you did not have an
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adult who is able to help you sort through your feelings when you express them cleanly at the exact amplitude that you originally felt them in your body so how do we create a container for our strong emotions as adults my favorite
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definition of an emotional container that I heard one time was that what it is is a sense of predictability around what will happen if we express or allow ourselves to feel a given emotion so this is a sense of predictability that
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we can create for ourselves with intentional effort in adulthood now of course if we're expressing our feelings to other people or if we're doing interpersonal processing we're not always going to be able to predict or to control how the other person is going to
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respond so when it comes to the feelings that we struggle to contain or that we know tend to get really big really quickly or really repressed really quickly inside of us we're going to want to practice emotional containment in
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controlled environments before we try to practice it in the wild we need to give our bodies and our nervous systems examples or blueprints of times when those scary emotions have Arisen inside of us and we have learned to regulate
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through them the more instances of this we can give ourselves through practicing it in predictable environments the more our bodies begin to internalize I don't need to panic when this emotion comes up I can feel it I can express it and I can
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let go of my attachment to outcome around it however in the early stages you actually do want to make sure that you're controlling for outcome a little bit and we're going to talk about how to do that in a way that does not involve
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controlling or manipulating the behavior of other people so step one in the process of learning Emotional Self payment is deliberately seeking out safe controlled and predictable environments within which you can express your strong emotions so what might that type of
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environment be it might look like a therapeutic setting where you're working with someone who is specifically trained to contain your strong emotions for you the way that ideally a caregiver would have been able to do for you at a young
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age it might look like going to a support group or a 12-step group where you have a designated period of time where you can share what you're feeling and there are specific rules about how other people can respond to you within
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that period of time so for example I know a lot of 12-step groups including ones that specifically address relational problems have a no crosstalk rule which means when someone shares their experience or shares what they're going through nobody else is allowed to
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directly respond to it and while this might feel kind of weird at first it's important to note that what this is doing is creating a sense of familiarity and predictability within your nervous system particularly if you're someone who is worried that your emotional
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expression is going to disregulate other people so this might be people more on the avoidant side of the spectrum but not necessarily it can actually be really healing to be in an environment where you're able to express yourself
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fully and other people do not have any overt reaction to that but the important part here is that whichever environment you find to start practicing emotional expression within you have a sense of predictability around it you know what
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is going to happen and if you're unsure let's say you're having a consultation with a therapist and you're not sure what they would do if you were to express a strong feeling of anger or grief or whatever it is that you're
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afraid of expressing to them you can always ask them and be proactive about establishing that sense of predictability for yourself once you have that experience of I know I can bring my emotion into this space and I have a reasonable idea of what's going
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to happen as an outcome what's going to become really important is noticing and staying present with yourself as you express that emotion I remember one time being in a group processing call where someone was experiencing a lot of Shame
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and they expressed to the group I'm feeling a ton of Shame right now and I'm breathing and I'm noticing in this moment that I'm surviving it and I thought that that was such a profound moment to witness and it became part of
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what I adopted anytime I was experiencing a strong emotion that previously I was unable to contain I learned very slowly to bring those emotions into safe contained environments and every time after expressing them I would take a moment to
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notice my breathing and say either out loud or to myself inside my own mind I'm experiencing this emotion and I'm noticing that I am surviving it and that might sound ridiculous but to the small child in me who truly thought that that
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expressing certain emotions would result in complete abandonment and therefore death ultimately which is how our child selves process the fear of Abandonment that became a very powerful refrain I'm experiencing this emotion and I'm surviving it and what's cool is that the
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more we give ourselves the experience of expressing our feelings letting them come out and staying present and on the page with ourselves and ideally with the help of a trained professional or a group The more we're able to stay
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Associated the entire way through and so the more we learn and notice that when we express our emotions as they actually are not as an amplified or dissipated version of themselves those emotions change sometimes we express extreme sadness and then learn that we have a
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lot of anger on the other side of it sometimes we express a lot of anger and then learn that we have a deep sense of sadness or acceptance on the other side of it and almost always when we're able
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to stay with our true emotional expression we eventually arrive at a place where the solution to the problem itself that was causing that strong emotion becomes clear to us because undistorted emotions give us important information about reality and so the
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more we learn to stay with them the more important information We Gather for ourselves about which actions we can can take inside our own lives that might get us more of what we want and less of what we don't want step number two in the
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process of learning to contain your own emotions is learning over time to start parsing apart your feelings and your meta feelings and this takes time it is the process of developing emotional literacy but the important thing to keep
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in mind is that often The Meta feeling we have is a lot scarier than the actual feeling itself so here's a very quick emotional literacy 101 anger and disgust are very normal feelings to have when you're looking to protect yourself and
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draw boundaries rejection and pain are very normal feelings to experience when you are falling out of connection with someone joy and excitement and enthusiasm are very normal feelings to experience when you are feeling aligned with something all of these feelings
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including the wide array of other feelings that exist out there are not things you need to be afraid of or ashamed of experiencing them them in their raw form will allow you over time to find the natural limits of those
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emotions and I think that that is what most of us fear when we don't know how to contain our emotions if I feel Joy and as a child that wasn't really encouraged How will I know when I've reached the limits of my joy I don't
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know where the outside of this container lies so I'm going to shove it down inside of me anytime I experience it if there's a part of me that gets angry and I know that my judgment gets totally clouded when I'm angry and I don't know
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where the limits of my own anger are I'm gonna once again panic and try to shove that down anytime anger starts rearing its head or on the opposite side of things if I believe that I am not capable of setting boundaries and I need
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other people to set my boundaries for me I'm going to need to amplify my own anger so other people finally realize that they need to change because again I don't know where my own limits are so I can't set boundaries around them most
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emotions can be pretty cleanly processed once we're clear around where their limits are so it starts feeling safe for your system to experience Joy if you know without a shadow of a doubt that you will be paying attention and you
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will notice the moment that Joy starts turning into pain right when the situation that was once making you happy starts changing if you know you can trust yourself to recognize that moment and respond in reality to it you're not
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going to have a sense of fear around your own Joy you know where its limit is and you trust yourself to notice when you reach it same goes for anger it's easy to feel and express anger when you
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know that you will be paying attention to the moment when your anger ends and your grief and acceptance of the situation come back in and you know without a shadow of a doubt that it's now time for you to set your boundaries
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it's easy to allow yourself to feel pain and rejection if you know that you will notice the moment where that pain and rejection starts to end and your experience of your own self-worth and dignity comes back to you when we learn
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to stay present with our emotional experience we also learn to notice the moments in which our emotional experience starts to naturally change the only reason this doesn't happen is situations in which we tell ourselves stories that keep the emotions alive
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endlessly without any resolution and we start emotionally responding predominantly to the stories we're telling ourselves about our feelings because that meta feeling is feeding us that narrative instead of actually noticing what's happening in reality as we move through that feeling meta
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feelings come in and trap the expression of our original feelings if I'm mad at someone and I think oh no anytime I'm angry it means something really bad is going to happen instead of just expressing my anger experiencing it and
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arriving at the other side of it where boundaries and resolution points are clear to me I might keep it all wound up inside of myself never let it out but let it turn into a sense of chronic resentment against another person or
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into a sense of learned helplessness and anxiety about my own ability to create change in my life because if I'm never allowing myself to feel my self-protective emotions like anger and to get to the other side where I can do
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something meaningful with them what I'm teaching myself is that I am not going to take any sort of meaningful stance in order to give myself the life that I believe I am capable and deserving of having I'm not showing myself a lot of
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self-respect and a lack of self-respect can bleed into a very strong sense of depression over the long term so we're going to move into slightly more practical things with step three step three is about proactively developing emotional containers inside of your
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everyday life so you need to show up for your inner child and be the loving parent that maybe you didn't have modeled to you early on and show your inner child how they can safely Express their emotions without everything going
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off the rails and things spiraling out of control what this requires you to do and this is so in important is not deny or resist your emotions when they come up inside of your body so if it is a
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really bad time for you to be feeling angry or a really bad time for you to be feeling sad or whatever it is that's okay you're an adult you can suck it up for a little bit but what you do not
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want to do is force your inner child to suck it up forever again that is going to cause them depression anxiety a whole host of emotional issues down the line what you want to do is give your inner
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child a time that they know without a shadow of a doubt you are going to come back to that feeling and sit with them inside of it for as long as it takes for them to work through it this is going to
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require you to do one of two things that might be unfamiliar depending on which end of the attachment Spectrum you're starting from if you are more avoidant this is going to require you to allow your emotions to disrupt your life a
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little bit it's going to require you to go I had X Y and Z plan for this week but now certain emotions are coming up so I'm going to allow myself to adjust my expectations for the week so that I
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know without a shadow of a doubt I will have time to be present with myself and to feel my emotions as they're arising in my body if you err on the anxious side of the spectrum and your tendency
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is to feel those emotions super super strongly when they come up because your system starts screaming attend to this or else we're gonna die right which is how our child selves process emotions you're going to need to learn to get
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comfortable with being the inner parent who can tell your inner child I am going to attend to this I am going to help you be present with this and work through it however maybe first we have to go to
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work first we have to do X Y or Z but I promise you that I will come back to this here is the exact time and date at which I will come back to this so a couple of months ago I had a super
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frustrating interaction one day I was so full of anger that I like didn't know how to get it out of my body and I called up a couple of friends and I went hey do you guys want to do a karaoke
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night on Thursday I have some rage that I need to belt out I got some buy-in I booked a room I made a playlist of all the power ballads I wanted to belt out and it was incredible how much my inner
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child instantly allowed me to concentrate on my day-to-day life again because she knew without a shadow of a doubt I'd put a literal deposit on the karaoke room that I was going to come back and help her tend to her feelings I
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wasn't going to let them slide but I also wasn't going to let them completely take over everything else that I had to do that week so finding ways that we can contain these emotions in a literal sense by planning a time and date that
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we're going to deal with them in some way that feels cathartic and as though we're actually able to express them and get over them can be highly comforting for our inner children and what I want to be clear about here is that you don't
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want to be doing activities that are actually fueling your meta emotion belting out your anger or rage at karaoke or through a dance party or through screaming into a pillow are all somatic Expressions that get the energy flowing through our body if what we're
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experiencing is sadness the same might be true of allowing ourselves to have a day where we down regulate we take baths we cry we allow the pain and acceptance of what we're going through to filter its way through our systems what we
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don't want to be doing is telling ourselves or other people's stories that trap that emotion inside of us because we're not actually letting it out and exposing it to oxygen which is vulnerable we're keeping it trapped inside instead and again the way that
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you know that an emotion has been expressed authentically is that it changes emotions that are let out authentically by screaming when we feel angry by crying when we feel sad our forms of energy that naturally start to disperse and dissipate and give way for
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something new to arrive you'll know that you're dealing with the direct real emotion and not the meta emotion when the expression of it naturally changes it but this step is all about learning to give ourselves and our inner children
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the space to express their emotions authentically and openly and to get used to the feeling of having a direct experience of our emotions without fearing what's going to happen as a consequence of them so to put this in
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more literal terms some things that I like to do if I'm feeling a really strong emotion that I feel the need to contain for my inner child I might call my therapist and see if I can book an
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extra appointment if I'm having a particularly strong emotion I might go to karaoke and sing it out I might talk to a friend who I know is not going to fixate on my meta emotion but is going to allow me to just process in real time
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the emotion that's actually occurring I might schedule a self-care night for myself where I just lie in bed and feel super sorry for myself if I'm feeling sad or a day where I run or lift weights or belt out angry music in my living
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room in front of the mirror if I'm feeling angry all of these are means of giving our inner children the space to express themselves without fear of what is going to happen because they're not expressing it directly to other people
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now this brings us to step four what I am not recommending in this process is that you never express your feelings to other people I actually think that interpersonal expression can be incredibly important and in some cases even necessary for exposing our emotions
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to proper oxygen and allowing them to change into something new it's just that if we haven't learned to contain our own feelings it's going to be difficult to do it interpersonally from the get-go but step four is all about learning to
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take aligned action between our authentic feelings not the meta feelings because in the earlier steps we filtered out what was what and our interpersonal actions and we do this by starting very small and then working up to bigger and
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bigger steps so first we learn to process our emotions directly in a contained space where we know what is going to happen and then we take small steps to do this in slightly riskier environments so maybe we move from
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screaming into a pillow and letting all of our rage out to calling up the person we feel upset with and going hey would you be open to having a conversation where I expressed some anger that I've been feeling so this becomes the process
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of creating an interpersonal container we're now not only letting ourselves know what is reliably going to happen when we express our feelings we're letting someone else know we're letting them know hey I have something I want to express here's the kind of structure I
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want to put around that expression so that we both have a reasonable degree of predictability about how this is going to go and once again we want to make sure that when we're entering into these Dynamics we're dealing with the feeling
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not the meta feeling so the feeling might be I felt hurt when you said X Y or Z to me the meta feeling might incline us to tell the other person this whole story about what we think of their
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character and try to get them to agree to it but that is not the feeling right the feeling is hurt or it's pain or its anger and if we want to give any of those feelings the chance to see the
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light of day and actually start to change those have to be the ones that we're expressing to people not the meta feeling and all of the narratives that arise as a result of it now I want to be
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clear this is not always something that you're going to want to do you might not care to repair a given relationship so this isn't to say that you have to do this however if what you are looking for
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is relational repair this is how we start to inch our way towards it we learn to get in touch with our feelings find a way to feel them and express them with our inner children in an environment where they feel safe so they
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know that we have at least heard and listened to them and then if we choose to take aligned action by expressing those same feelings to other people who we believe it would help our relationships with to express them then
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we do so in a way that is also relatively safe and contained we do this not just for the other person's benefit but for our own because if we know without a shadow of a doubt that we are
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not going to run away with our own stories and narratives we're just going to express our feelings and that's all we're going to do until we reach the Natural end of that feeling and it changes into something else like an
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awareness of a boundary we need to set we don't have to get panicked about what's going to happen because we aren't relying on distortions of the truth we're just relying on what is if I feel angry and I know that I just
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need to see someone and go I felt angry when you said this and that's the only thing it's important for me to do in that interaction I probably don't have to feel too panicked about it I'm not relying on the interaction going a
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certain way in order for me to feel okay I've already spent time with my emotion accepted it soothed my inner child around it gave my inner child the space to express it and now if I'm bringing it to someone else it's only to give myself
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and them the opportunity to repair the relationship between the two of us but what I'm not asking them to do is repair my relationship between me and my inner child which is normally what we're doing in interpersonal interactions when we
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don't know how to contain our own feelings right our inner child is screaming at the other person because we as their inner parent have not yet sat with them and helped them work through their feelings which kind of naturally
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leads us to step five which is use your self-parenting skills to slowly change your experience of meta emotions over time so we cannot remove the feel things of anger sadness pain embarrassment all of these gunky things that we might not
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like feeling or Joy excitement earnestness if those are the things we don't like feeling lust sexual attraction we cannot just take these things voluntarily out of our awareness or out of our bodies those things will always pop up over and over again as we
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make our way through our lives however we can to a reasonable degree remove those instinctive meta feelings of Panic or anxiety or shame or self-disgust about the fact that we are having a feeling which might mean that those
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original feelings no longer trigger us so if I can dissipate The Meta emotion of disgust or of anxiety that might arise in my body anytime I start feeling sadness then I might learn over time that the more I express my Sadness the
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more I let myself lie in bed or go to 12-step meetings and talk to people about it or tell other people hey I'm having a tough time right now I'm not going to be functioning at 110 percent the more I start to notice that
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eventually the more I do this the more I am able to actually accept and move on from the things that cause me sadness rather than letting them Fester inside of me forever because they were covered up by some other feeling the more often
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the anger arises inside of me and I don't immediately put a lid on it and go that's not right for you to feel or tell myself it's time to blow up and express this all over anybody who will
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listen without taking two seconds to attend to it internally the more I learn a clean expression of anger allows me to let go of the outcome and not stay stuck on wanting other people to set my boundaries for me and so it doesn't stay
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festered up and stuck inside of me it becomes the thing that I use to inform which boundaries and which structures I need inside of my own life in order to respect my own dignity what emotional self-containment ultimately is is
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cleaning up all of the meta emotions that exist around our original emotions so that we're actually feeling what it is that we're feeling nothing more and nothing less and we're able to be present with that feeling for long
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enough to watch it change into something else and once we learn that that is a process that's possible we don't need to feel this intense fear or shame or guilt out of any of our original emotions around Rising inside of our bodies
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because we know those things are not going to get lodged somewhere deep inside of me forever I'm going to release them and let them change into something else because I as my own inner parent have created a safe container for
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my inner child to express them cleanly and clearly within and I've taught that child over time what to do with those emotions on the other side of them okay I think that's all I have to say for today on the topic of emotional
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self-containment however let me know in the comments what you guys are thinking feeling experiencing as you move through this process as always I love you guys I hope you're taking care of yourselves and each other and your inner children
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and I will see you back here again really soon [Music]
Topics:emotional self-containmentemotional regulationmeta feelingsattachmentself-parentingtraumatriggersemotional healthrelational repairHeidi Priebe
