Speaker A
hey guys heidi preeb here first of all i apologize about the drilling i don't know if you can hear that but it's like they are constructing another apartment on top of this apartment right now and it's quite aggressive on my end so
Heidi Priebe explains that secure attachment is the often-overlooked ideal style and outlines 10 signs of it, such as comfortably asking for help and not taking others' moods personally.
Key Takeaways
- Secure attachment is the ideal style and is linked to better health, relationships, and life satisfaction.
- Secure attachment shows up in comfort with receiving help, emotional regulation, and healthy boundaries.
- Insecure individuals can work toward security, and the signs described can serve as a guide for that growth.
- Earned secure attachment is possible even for people who had difficult early experiences.
What the video covers
- Secure attachment is frequently left out when discussing attachment styles because it is considered the ideal style.
- Attachment styles reflect how early experiences shape relationship patterns, unlike personality systems such as Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram, which treat all types as equal.
- Securely attached people are associated with better health, happier relationships, and greater life satisfaction.
- Sign 1: Asking for and receiving help feels natural and comfortable, since their needs were met reliably in childhood.
- Sign 2: They generally don't take other people's bad moods personally and can observe them with emotional distance.
- Avoidant individuals often believe others' moods don't affect them, yet they can be strongly triggered into a flight response.
- Sign 3: They are comfortable adapting their approach to different people and relationships, knowing whose 'stuff' is whose and setting appropriate boundaries.
- Securely attached people tend to stay outside the drama triangle, stating their needs directly rather than manipulating to get them met.
- They can balance autonomy with partnership, merging their lives with others without losing themselves.
- They set explicit expectations and agreements, take people at face value, and can resolve conflict directly without seeing it as threatening.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction and Why Secure Attachment Gets Overlooked
- 02:04Attachment Styles vs. Personality Systems
- 03:04Sign 1: Comfort Asking for and Receiving Help
- 03:57Sign 2: Not Taking Others' Moods Personally
- 07:42Sign 3: Adapting Approach to Different Relationships
- 11:31Staying Out of the Drama Triangle
- 15:42Balancing Independence and Partnership
- 21:18Direct Communication and Conflict Resolution
- 27:00Healthy Boundaries and Earned Secure Attachment
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
apologies about that but today i wanted to come in and talk about something that we cannot leave unaddressed because when we talk about the four attachment styles so anxious avoidant fearful avoidant and secure one attachment style frequently gets left out of the conversation and
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that attachment style is secure and the reason why we leave secure out so easily is because this is the attachment style that is considered the kind of ideal so i want to make a distinction between attachment and let's say personality
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systems when you have a personality system like myers-briggs or the enneagram there's kind of this assumption that all types are equal like there are different strengths and different weaknesses of all types but the end goal is to kind of accept
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yourself accept the ways you're different and accept the ways that other people are different from you and roll with your natural energy with attachment styles it's important to keep in mind that this is not a personality type system it's about how our early
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experiences shape the way that we look at relationships and interact with intimate relationships as we grow up well into adulthood and there are more and less adaptive ways to approach relationships so when we talk about anxious avoidant or fearful avoidant
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attachment the end goal if you want to work with your attachment style is to inch your way more towards secure now there is kind of a subset of people who would say that there is a way to use the
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strengths of the insecure styles to your advantage and we will cover that viewpoint later on it's a really interesting one but being securely attached does serve as a big predictor for a lot of things related to having good health happy relationships overall
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life satisfaction so it's generally agreed upon that if given the choice and we do have the choice to start working towards secure this is the attachment style that kind of gives you the best shot in life if you're in a situation
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where being secure is adaptive and that's something that i talk about in a different video which i will link below so today i'm talking about 10 signs that you might have a secure attachment style and these signs can be used either to
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identify traits within yourself or other people or to start keeping in mind where you might want to be working towards if you are currently insecurely attached but you want to become more secure this will give you an idea of what it will
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look like when you get there or what it will start to look like on the way side number one that you might have a secure attachment style asking for and receiving help feels very natural and comfortable for you so securely attached
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individuals were used to having their needs being met at a very young age without having to exaggerate or really push to have their needs met very hard it was a more natural interplay of hey i tell you what i'm needing you give it to
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me and then we go on with our lives and as an adult securely attached adults tend to expect that that same kind of reciprocation is going to be present in their adult relationships as well so the insecure styles might have an almost
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impossible time asking for help and an even harder time receiving it if help is given but the secure style lives in a very comfortably interpersonal world so they feel like i give my help whenever help is needed and so it's of course
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natural that i could reach out to other people and ask for their help and it's okay if they can't they'll let me know but there is nothing inherently wrong with giving and receiving help for the securely attached person in fact it's a
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realm that they tend to feel pretty comfortable in sign number two that you might have a secure attachment style is that for the most part you don't take other people's bad moods particularly personally and there are a couple of
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different ways to take things personally right one way is to think oh my god i hurt them they're rejecting me and to kind of have that hyper focus a la anxious and sometimes fearful avoidance style on kind of needing people to not
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be upset with you or you can get really annoyed when people are in bad mood and when they're kind of letting their negative energy out a la avoidance style who has learned to suppress all of their negative feelings so it really bothers
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them a lot when it feels like someone else is showing negative emotions that they have learned to repress in themselves and actually this can be true of the anxious and fearful avoidant as well but with a securely attached person
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they have a really healthy sense of differentiation so if someone else is in a bad mood they're likely to just assume oh something's going on for that person maybe i should check in see how they're doing see if they need any help with
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anything and if there's something i can do that's within my means to do then i'd be happy to help them out and if not then i'll just carry on with my day because that person's mood doesn't really have anything to do with me and
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of course this is not to say that extremes would not affect the securely attached person like if their partner comes home and they're really chastising them or whatever it is of course there's going to be some dysregulation there but
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for the most part there is not this hyper focus on what's happening with other people even if you have a securely attached person who's a really big extrovert and who does really involve themselves heavily in the lives of the
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people around them who they love they're able to observe other people's moods from a little bit of an emotional distance like they might kind of go oh that's interesting like i wonder what would be going into making that person
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upset i wonder what would be happening that would lead them to talk that way to someone but there isn't going to be this sense of like personal anger over it or personal stress over it that they really feel in their body it's going to be more
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situation of if i can help i'll help and if i can't i can't but either way they're going to be able to stay relatively regulated because they don't have that experience of their brain getting kind of hijacked and their fight
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or flight system working on overdrive because of the emotions that someone else is showing that they wish that that person was not showing so it's interesting because i just want to make the point here that a lot of avoidance
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think this is the case for them like they think that other people's moods or other people's emotions don't affect me but what's actually happening in a lot of cases is that the moods of the people around them are affecting them very
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heavily but they're triggering them into the flight response right so we forget with fight or flight there's also flight which is that sense of get me out of here i don't want to be around this right so often with avoidantly attached
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people someone else displaying a strong emotion actually does trigger that flight response which is a very physiologically aroused state so they are in ways that they're not necessarily conscious of quite enmeshed in other people's emotions in many cases it's
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just that the way that they respond to their attachment system being triggered is to get out of there as opposed to the anxious person who will kind of assume okay i need to get in there and make sure they're not upset with me or
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whatever it is so the secure style is the only one that kind of has a natural sense of understanding this is not about me so even if i care and even if i get involved i'm not being triggered into a
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fight-or-flight response just because someone else is having a strong emotional response in my vicinity sign number three you might have a secure attachment style is that you're comfortable consciously adapting your approach to different relationships so very often something i see people saying
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is if i feel avoidant with some people and anxious with other people that must mean i'm fearful avoidant right it could but actually that's kind of the natural response for everyone most people are a little bit avoidant around
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people who have a surplus of anxiously attached energy including other anxious people so if you get two anxious people together generally one of them will actually start avoiding the other a little bit because both of them are looking for someone who will meet their
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needs and if they're both presenting their needs very strongly they both look at each other and are like well you're not going to meet my needs you're so preoccupied with your own so generally to an extent most people will have the
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experience of avoiding anxious people a little bit and the avoidance because they don't quite give you a lot of information there is a natural tendency for all people to kind of over exert themselves a little bit with avoidance
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and what your attachment style is will depend on whether you overexert yourself a small amount or a humongous persistent amount and if you are securely attached you will absolutely still adapt your approach to different relationships the difference is that you will be doing
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this consciously whereas the other styles will be doing it mostly unconsciously so i'm going to explain what that means if you have let's say an avoidant person when they're around someone who is having a strong anxious attachment response who is really
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displaying a lot of vulnerability or a lot of emotion they're again potentially going to get a little bit hijacked by their nervous system they're going to start having critical thoughts thinking this person can't handle themselves i would know how to handle myself this
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outer critic that's judgmental of other people is going to come online and they might not consciously realize it but they're going to have an unconscious attachment response quite a bit of the time when they see people expressing strong emotion and this can also be the
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attachment response that gets activated in them when they're interacting with a secure person who is displaying a very healthy and average level of emotional response but until they start doing the work the avoidantly attached person tends to be unconscious of those
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attachment triggers going off so they will be unconsciously avoiding people who are showing emotion and on the flip side anxiously attached people will be unconsciously trying to get closer and closer and closer to people who they think would be capable of meeting their
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needs in some way with this secure person they might take a little bit of space if someone's being overly clingy with them and they might try a little bit harder with their friends who don't open up as easily but these are going to
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be conscious choices they're making so unlike the avoidant who has that outer critic going that's like that person can't take care of themselves not like i know how to take care of myself the securely attached person has a very
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differentiated inner monologue so someone showing a strong emotional response does not make their outer critic come alive they're more likely to just be like oh i'm okay this person seems to be showing some really strong emotions i don't think those emotions
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really have much to do with me so i'm just gonna consciously take a little bit of space and maybe try to interact with them again next week in a lower pressure environment there isn't like a strong sense of judgment around it it's more
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just that they're able to set their boundaries in a natural way and with an avoidant person they might go oh this person seems to need a little bit more space let's say so i'm going to give them a little bit more space in our
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friendship and i'm not going to be horrendously insulted if they don't text me back right away or whatever it is i just won't rely on that person for frequent communication so they're able to kind of naturally understand what's
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my stuff what's someone else's stuff and which boundaries do i need to set with different people to keep myself okay based on what their stuff is right so they will absolutely respond differently to different friends to different relationships to different situations
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they're in but it's going to be quite conscious rather than coming from a kind of triggered fight or flight mode where they're just reacting to people without thinking about why they're reacting that way and then dealing with the fallout of
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it later they're able to more clearly understand what different people's needs are and adapt their approach accordingly because again they don't have that trigger response that happens when they see someone displaying emotion that they wouldn't necessarily display whether
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that's anxious or avoidance right sign four that you might have a secure attachment style is that when you have an issue with someone you prefer to just talk it out very directly and very calmly now there's a reason why the
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other attachment styles struggle to do this so with the anxiously attached person they might have shame over the fact that they have so many needs so they might try to kind of subtly get their needs met without directly and
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clearly saying what the needs are and on the flip side the avoidant kind of assumes that they don't need anything from anyone else so they'll be trying to unconsciously get their needs met while consciously pretending that they don't
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have any and that creates a whole host of other problems and the fearful avoidant will do a little bit of both of these strategies at different times however the securely attached person does not have a lot of shame bound up in
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the fact that they have feelings they either had it modeled early on or they learned to adopt the mindset that having feelings and needs that are different from someone else is nothing to be ashamed of it doesn't necessarily mean
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it's going to threaten the relationship so there's no reason why you shouldn't just go to someone tell them how you're feeling ask them how they're feeling and then find a mutual resolution to problems if there is a problem that
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needs to be worked out in the relationship so insecurely attached people tend to kind of default to the drama triangle if you don't know what that is i made a series of videos talking about attachment in the drama
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triangle which i will also link below this video but the securely attached person defaults to being outside of the drama triangle because when you're in the drama triangle you're trying to get your needs met without explicitly stating what your needs are and the
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securely attached person is a lot more likely to just be comfortable directly stating what their needs are and asking someone whether or not they can fulfill that right it doesn't come bound up in layers of shame in the same way as it
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does for the other styles so it's not scary to have those conversations and if they don't go well they don't go well this is not to say that every interpersonal problem the securely attached person has gets resolved quickly and easily and effortlessly but
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their approach to the problem tends to be pretty considerate and pretty direct and they aren't really scared off by the fact that there are feelings involved in the problem that need to be acknowledged nor are they scared off from analyzing
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it through a more logical lens right they pretty effortlessly combine emotion and rationality and they don't necessarily feel like those things are at odds with each other they feel like they're two sides of the coin that have to be considered when you're trying to
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make anything work sign number five that you might have a secure attachment style is that you're pretty comfortable both in and out of relationships so you might have one that you prefer over the other you might want a long-term relationship
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or you might feel a little bit more comfortable on your own but there is not a giant difference to you in terms of how you feel in a romantic relationship versus how you feel outside of a romantic relationship your sense of self
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feels pretty consistent in both scenarios and you also don't feel like having a partner means you have to hide or give up any part of your sense of self you are who you are when you're alone and you are who you are when
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you're with a partner so again we can contrast this with the insecure styles so the anxiously attached person grows up kind of feeling a lot of the time like i am half of a whole i need to find
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my other half i need to get my happily ever after and until they have that security of a partnership they can feel a little bit incomplete and on the flip side we might have the avoidant who feels like i'm only complete when i am
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on my own because partnerships require you to suppress certain parts of yourself to give up parts of who you are and what you want out of life and the fearful avoidant will feel both of those things depending on whether they're in
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or out of a relationship so they might feel smothered in a relationship incomplete outside of one but the securely attached person feels like yes of course you have to compromise in a relationship but i'm going to be careful
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to choose relationships where the compromises that i make actually make my life better rather than worse because they're not picking partners from kind of a triggered fight or flight response place they're picking partners pretty consciously and intentionally they tend
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to do a better job on average at finding relationships that don't feel super smothering or super lonely when they're inside of them and they're also more likely to leave those relationships early on if they figure out that that is
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how they feel inside of them they're not going to go through years of drama trying to make something work if they can see from the get-go we just have value differences we're not necessarily well suited for each other and that
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doesn't mean that breakups don't hurt it doesn't mean that they never have a difficult time in romantic relationships absolutely they do if anything securely attached people are the people who feel their emotions in their kind of purest form because the anxiously attached
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individual kind of lives half in a fantasy in many ways so the emotions they're feeling are sometimes true reflections of reality but often their emotional experience is kind of muddled in many ways which we will talk about in
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other videos so they feel very intensely but they don't always feel accurately if that makes sense and the avoidant person tends to think that they're feeling much less than they actually are so they can end up keeping all of these emotions
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kind of stored in their body outside of their conscious awareness and that can create a whole host of other problems but the securely attached person for the most part is able to stay pretty present with their emotional experiences which
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means when they're going through the grief of losing a relationship they feel grief when they're going through a period of their life where they don't have a lot of people around they feel lonely there are not these kind of
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superficial masks that get unconsciously placed over their emotional experiences in either direction so they're able to feel things quite clearly pain feels quite painful for them but there's not this kind of desperate panicked feeling that either they need to be in a
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relationship if they're out of one or that they need to be out of a relationship if they're in one they feel pretty common both scenarios because they know how to pick relationships appropriately and also they're better at keeping their sense of self strong and
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stable within a relationship sign number six that you might have a secure attachment style is that you feel a great deal of empathy for other people but you don't feel overwhelmed by that empathy so this is not to say that it
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never hurts you when you see someone you love hurting if anything securely attached people are actually quite good at talking to other people about their emotional experiences they believe that feelings are a natural part of life but they don't get consumed by other
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people's pain so there's not this sense of kind of merging and losing yourself in someone else's pain and there's also not a sense of needing to distance yourself from it because you're afraid that you will lose yourself in it if you
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get too close the securely attached person generally had a pretty good experience of containment from their caregiver which means the caregiver was able to respond to their pain to see them in pain to mirror their pain back to them but not get overwhelmed by it
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themselves so most securely attached individuals had early experiences with caregivers who were able to sit with them through their pain and really show that they were feeling for them but not get triggered themselves by the fact that someone they loved was in pain or
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that may have been a skill that someone who was once insecurely attached learned later on in life and can now apply to relationships so with the anxiously attached style i think that's more the kind of people who would consider
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themselves empaths in a very intense way i think that when people say the word empath they can mean a plethora of different things but i think there's one kind of meaning of that word where people are like i get really overwhelmed
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and absorbed by other people's pain like if someone's in pain i can't detach from it i can't figure out what's them and what's me so i just feel overwhelmed by other people's emotions and that is very often the experience of the anxiously
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attached individual who does not have healthy differentiation so it's kind of like if someone i love is feeling something i have to also feel that thing right it can't be i feel for you but i am not personally overwhelmed by that
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emotion or deeply entrenched in it right and with the avoidant style you often have the opposite like they might really struggle when someone else is feeling a strong emotion because they don't know how to connect with it even if they want
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to they might struggle and kind of go well i don't really feel that emotion i don't have access to my full emotional range so it's hard for me to find something in myself that can help me understand what you're feeling but
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because the securely attached person does have access to a much wider kind of palette of emotions if you will it's not that difficult for them to sit with someone who's in pain or who's struggling and to really understand what
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they're going through to get their point of view to find something in themselves that helps them to kind of understand what that person's going through but at the end of the day they're not going to feel kind of overwhelmed by that
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person's pain they're going to be able to feel for them but also know that pain is not mine and of course other people have emotions there's nothing uncomfortable there sign number seven that you might have a secure attachment
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style you're pretty good at setting meaningful goals for yourself but you also know how to work collaboratively with people so to set meaningful goals for our lives we need to be able to do two things well we need to be able to
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tune into our emotional selves and figure out who we are what speaks to us in life and what we want to pursue and we also need to be able to tune into our practical selves and go what makes sense
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what is going to give me the best most cohesive experience of life and how do i marry those two things and find goals for my life that i both feel very aligned with and that makes sense in both ends of the insecure spectrum tend
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to struggle with some aspect of that meaningful goal setting right but the secure person generally they're pretty good at figuring out what they need to do for themselves to keep themselves aligned with where they want to go in
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life but they're also pretty good at figuring out okay how do i merge my life with someone else's if let's say i get into a serious partnership or how do i take the needs and wants and emotions of
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my loved ones into consideration when i'm making major decisions and where do i have to draw boundaries around that now again this is not to say that the securely attached person never has conflicts it's not to say that they
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never get it wrong in these areas but it's to say that they don't have a specific lifelong persistent struggle in one area or the other right they don't struggle to set meaningful goals on their own as a general rule and they
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also don't struggle to collaborate and make compromises as a general rule generally they have a perfectly average ability maybe above average ability since we are contrasting them with insecure styles to navigate both the solo aspects of life and the
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interpersonal aspects and they consider both types of goals personal ones and interpersonal ones to be meaningful and worth considering heavily sign number eight that you might have a secure attachment style is that you're comfortable depending on people so i
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think that these days the word dependency has become kind of a dirty word like we see being dependent on people as this bad thing that no one should be and yes you should absolutely not be completely dependent on someone
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right so you should not be putting all of your well-being in the hands of someone else you should never have a relationship where it feels like i will not be okay i will not be able to take care of myself if this relationship
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should end but it's a great and normal thing to have a healthy level of dependency on people right so to say i can trust let's say my spouse or my friends to follow through on their promises and because i can trust that i
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can outsource certain things to them and if that stops working for us then we can renegotiate what we're outsourcing to each other and what we're relying on each other for but securely attached people tend to be somewhere around the
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middle of the spectrum between codependency which is when we're overly dependent on someone else and counter dependency which is when we don't feel comfortable relying on anyone for anything securely attached people are comfortable trusting the people in their
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lives to show up in the way that they agree to show up they tend to have very explicit expectations and agreements in their relationships because they approach people directly and take people at face value when they say they can or
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can't do things for them and that does not mean that they never get burned it does not mean that their trust is never betrayed absolutely all of those things happen to securely attach people the way they happen to other people as well but
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over time they tend to learn how to root out who they can trust and who they can't and they are always aiming towards relationships where it is okay to be dependent on each other in healthy ways and that's what we call interdependence
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when you're okay on your own and another person is okay on their own and you figure out together where can we rely on and support each other in order to make our lives mutually better right interdependence sign number nine that
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you might have a secure attachment style is that conflict is uncomfortable for you but it's not the end of the world and you're able to tolerate the discomfort that comes along with conflict so what you'll often see with
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the insecure styles is that conflict is so unbearable for these styles that they'll default to one response or the other so the anxiously attached person might go okay i'll just give over everything i need and i'll fawn over
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this person and try to get them to kind of subtly meet my needs by first me meeting so many of their needs that now there's this unbalance in the relationship and the avoidantly attached person might feel like conflict is so
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uncomfortable and i also don't see a point in it because i can always meet all of my own needs so anytime there's an issue in a relationship why talk it out when i could just go away make myself feel better on my own but the
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securely attached person generally has a pretty good sense of when an issue needs to be addressed in order for a relationship to start functioning in a smoother way and they know that that isn't necessarily going to be a
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comfortable conversation right they might not like conflict they might not like having difficult conversations but they're willing to have them and they know that they're an option right a lot of the time with insecurely attached styles they don't even really
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understand on like a gut level that having a direct conversation that just resolves an issue is possible they might have so many internalized experiences of conflict as highly activating and highly negative that they think any conflict is going to be like that but with the
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securely attached person they either saw early examples of or they consciously learned that conflict can be resolved peacefully that you can resolve conflict while keeping your respect for the other person and vice versa so while they don't necessarily like conflict or want
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to have difficult uncomfortable emotionally vulnerable conversations they see them as a kind of necessary evil and so they're much more likely to both initiate and respond positively to those conversations when they come up sign number 10 that you might have a
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secure attachment style is that you tend to take a fairly balanced view of other people's behavior so this often shows up especially when the securely attached person is talking about someone who is an attachment figure to them so that
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might be their parents it might be their partner and they're able to really understand that people are complex and nuanced and that people are not all good or all bad so they're often able to give you very fair very kind of balanced
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views where they see both what their parents did wrong and what they did right and the same goes for their partner so with the anxious attachment style you can get this kind of idealization of partners so their partners can do no wrong until suddenly
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maybe they get anxiously activated and then their partner can do no right and with the avoidant you often have this kind of glossy film over the past where it's like oh i had a great childhood nothing went wrong my parents did
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everything right no parent does everything right first of all but then with partnerships they might be hyper critical and feel like every emotion that someone is showing that they personally would not feel in that situation is irrational with the
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anxiously attached person they often see their partners as kind of idealized until they don't anymore and they see themselves as very innocent so they have a really hard time generally seeing themselves as having done anything bad or wrong and then on the flip side of
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things they'll have the avoidant who actually exonerates their caregivers quite a bit so for example if they've been abused as a child the avoidant individual is going to be much more likely to go well i deserved it they
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were just teaching me a lesson there's this kind of hardness to them where they believe that people who express victimhood are just playing the victim they suck it up and they learn their lesson so why can't everyone else and on
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the flip side of that we'll have the anxiously attached style who's more likely to believe i am so innocent i have pure intentions which means i cannot do anything wrong that's a very common logical mistake of the anxious
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attachment style they think that good intentions always translates to good behavior and they really struggle to understand that they can do something with good intentions but still cause pain to another person so they tend to externalize quite a bit they tend to
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assume i'm innocent so there's a problem i'm having with someone else it must be because they're toxic or a narcissist or whatever and in the middle of that spectrum we have the securely attached person who sees a great deal of nuance
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who can understand things like someone can go in with good intentions and mess up and do something wrong but they also understand some people are self-interested and have bad intentions and you have to just learn how to draw
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boundaries around those people so that you don't become impacted by their bad behavior so with secure attachment we see a lot of grace being given in the way that they analyze other people but we also see healthy boundaries being
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drawn so they don't really need people to be all good or all bad they more naturally understand that everyone is a mix of both of those things and their responsibility as a human being is to figure out how they can keep themselves
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aware and safe in different relationships based on how other people are showing up so again when you ask them about someone's character particularly someone they're close to like their caregiver or their partner you don't really get these extremes you
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don't get them being extremely critical of or extremely idealizing of someone who they're close to in general you tend to get a very respectful and fair and balanced view of people so they might kind of laugh a little bit talking about
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their quirks that their partner has that bother them a bit or they might be able to say you know my parents couldn't always be there for us in the ways that we needed because they had all of these
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circumstances going on in their own lives that made it really difficult for them to know how to show up in an emotionally available way and this is actually often a very strong sign of someone who has earned secure attachment
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is if they truly did have an early life that was very abusive that maybe caused them to develop an insecure attachment style growing up once they earn security they're able to look back even on true abuse that they've experienced and
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understand it from both an emotional and a rational perspective so that doesn't mean they're saying what was done to them was right but they're not stuck in that mindset of this person was an evil villain and that's why it happened
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they're usually able to kind of understand there were circumstances that went into why my parents or why my abusers were the way they were and i understand where those kind of danger signs are so now i know how not to
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repeat that behavior there is a much more balanced view overall of both who the people are in situations and also what circumstances surround those situations and how both things need to be worked with in order to have healthy
Speaker A
and balanced relationships so again a strong sign of secure attachment is that they're able to see a lot of nuance and really understand that both good and bad intentions and actions can co-exist within a singular person and again this
Speaker A
is why generally securely attached people don't struggle as much as the other styles might struggle to apologize because they understand i can go into a situation with good intentions and still accidentally do someone harm and it's not as big of a stretch for them to be
Speaker A
able to realize that when someone comes to them and say you've hurt me they can kind of more naturally shift into that person's perspective and go oh i see here why that was hurtful to this person even though i didn't mean it to be that
Speaker A
way so i can acknowledge that person's worldview let them know you know that wasn't my intention but i see i've hurt you and i really apologize and let's talk about how to create a better situation moving forward and again it's
Speaker A
not that it's always going to be put in perfect language it's not that they're never going to get a little bit annoyed or uncomfortable in the process it's not that they never make judgments about other people but for the most part
Speaker A
securely attached people are able to take a much more nuanced view of people because they are not chronically being put in that kind of fight-or-flight response like the anxious and the avoidant styles and the fearful avoidance style more often are all right
Speaker A
i think that's all that i have to say about secure attachment for today let me know in the comments what your thoughts are what your experiences are if you are on an attachment healing journey and you're starting to see any of these
Speaker A
signs emerge in yourself that's an awesome thing take a moment to feel proud of yourself and let me know how that's going for you until next time i love you guys i hope you're taking care of yourselves and each other and i will
Speaker A
see you back here again i mean let's be real tomorrow [Music]
Topics:secure attachmentattachment stylesattachment theoryanxious attachmentavoidant attachmentfearful avoidantemotional regulationhealthy relationshipsboundariesHeidi Priebe
