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hey guys heidi preeb here today i wanted to make a video that talks about something that i think has been largely unaddressed ironically on this channel which is not just what it looks like to be insecurely attached but what happens
Heidi Priebe explains that earning secure attachment doesn't fix relationship problems; it gives better coping tools, not a problem-free life.
Key Takeaways
- Secure attachment improves coping mechanisms rather than eliminating relationship problems.
- Healthy outcomes require both inner work and changing one's environment to include emotionally available people.
- Repair after mistakes is possible when you separate behavior from identity.
- Security offers choice and stability, not a dull or drama-free life.
What the video covers
- Secure attachment does not guarantee that others will start caring about your feelings or communicating well with you.
- Healing attachment means recognizing relationships where needs aren't met and letting them go in favor of emotionally available people.
- Inner security provides a base to return to, allowing regulated responses even when interpersonal problems and clashes persist.
- Secure people still get dysregulated, make mistakes, and feel embarrassed, but they separate actions from identity.
- Shame-based thinking ('I am wrong') differs from secure thinking ('I did something wrong'), enabling authentic repair without self-loathing.
- Secure attachment doesn't eliminate drama or excitement; it lets you choose fulfilling adventures instead of reacting to chaos.
- Security is not about never struggling or feeling negative emotions, but about maintaining a full emotional range without desperation.
- Drama and unhealthy people will always exist, and you cannot control others, only your own responses.
- Self-esteem in secure people is grounded and stable, not dependent on conditions that could shift unexpectedly.
- Healing is about dealing with problems maturely and adaptively, not about achieving a problem-free life.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction: Realistic Expectations for Attachment Healing
- 00:56Security Doesn't Make Others Care More
- 03:48Interpersonal Problems and Triggers Persist
- 04:46Dysregulation, Mistakes, and Repair
- 07:05Secure Living Still Includes Excitement
- 08:39Drama and Unhealthy People Remain
- 09:10Self-Esteem and Conditional Worth
- 10:19Conclusion: Mature Problem-Solving
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
when you become secure and when you begin to actually heal the attachment wounds that are currently holding you back in relationship that you struggle with interpersonally because i think that a lot of the time when we think about secure attachment we have this
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almost idealized version of it where we think that being secure or earning security means that we will stop struggling in relationships or that things will magically get better for us and i would love if that were the case
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and i am still waiting sometimes in some parts of my psyche for that to magically happen but the truth is that secure attachment does not fix your problems it just means you have better coping mechanisms as you move through your problems so i wanted
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to make a quick video talking about how to have realistic expectations for the attachment healing process by acknowledging some things that will and won't happen as you move towards an insecure status and you start showing up in different ways in your relationships
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so i've structured this as kind of a list of things that it does and doesn't mean to heal your attachment style or to earn security so thing number one that earning security does not mean is that everyone will suddenly care about your
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feelings so i think that particularly if you're coming more from the anxious attachment side of the spectrum there can be this assumption that once you show up and learn to communicate more vulnerably and openly and fairly you will stop getting rejected and you will
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have kind of smooth communication forevermore but this is absolutely not the way that it works in real life you healing your attachment style and showing up differently in the world does not mean that the people around you will
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necessarily also start showing up differently right there are situations yes where the way that we show up in relationship is causing interpersonal problems that might not be there if we were to choose a different communication style but you healing your attachment
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style does not magically mean that everyone around you is suddenly going to start caring about and prioritizing you in a different way just because you've chosen to do that but what attachment healing does mean is that you'll be able
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to recognize the relationships in which you're not able to get what you need out of other people and you'll be able to let those relationships go so you won't feel that kind of frantic insatiable desire to get everyone to see your
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perspective or to agree with you or to care about you you'll be able to differentiate what your need is from what someone else is able or willing to give and you'll be able to prioritize relationships with other people who are
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emotionally available so step one is the inner work but step two is the outer work of making sure that your environment matches the way you feel inside and that the people in your life are ready for the same types of
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relationships that you're ready to have and if the answer is they're not having a secure base within yourself means being able to let go of the people who aren't able to meet you where you want to be at in relationships and go seek
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out relationships that are more aligned with the level of authenticity and intimacy that you want thing number two that healing your attachment style does not mean it does not mean that all of your interpersonal problems are suddenly going to disappear there are still going
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to be people you clash with there are still going to be triggers that come up for you every now and then there are still going to be situations that you don't necessarily know how to navigate and that you get wrong
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but what it does mean to heal your attachment style is that as you are navigating your way through those challenges through those differences through those new situations you'll have an inner secure base that you can continuously return to
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inside of yourself where you're able to both validate your emotional experiences and choose appropriate responses to the challenges that you're facing so your relationships are not suddenly going to go swimmingly all of the time but having that secure inner base means you can
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stay relatively regulated even through the difficult periods in relationships even when things don't work out the way you want them to even when you are not getting what you want out of other people you're able to stay calm and
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centered in your own self-concept again this doesn't mean you never feel sad it doesn't mean you never feel angry you still have that full emotional range available to you but you don't feel desperate to have any of those needs met
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interpersonally because you have a strong support system both within yourself and in your community that you can turn to when times are difficult and that stability that security that support allows you to choose your responses which actually leads us to
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point number three so the third thing that will not change when you start doing attachment healing work is you will not cease to get dysregulated or upset you will still have difficult moments you will still have times where
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you show up in a way that you're not proud of interpersonally you are not suddenly going to turn into this perfect person who always says and does the right thing and never feels embarrassed or ashamed of the way that they acted
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but it does mean that you won't let that shame stop you from showing up being honest about the mistakes that you made and doing true repair work when we are insecurely attached we tend to be operating out of a shame-based
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personality which means that when we make mistakes instead of thinking i did something wrong we think i am wrong who i am is wrong and so if i own up to this mistake in a truly authentic way other
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people are going to see me for who i am which is a bad unworthy person but when we are not shame-based and when we're operating from that space of inner security we're able to separate our actions from our identity so we can look
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at something we did or something we said in a heated moment and go that was not fine that was not okay but that's not who i am as a person so i can show up authentically in the repair work around
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this i can go to the person i've hurt i can own up to what i did or said that i'm not proud of and i can be strong enough in my own self-concept to know that i am okay and i am worthwhile even
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if that person doesn't forgive me even if they stay upset at me even if they don't accept my apology knowing that we can do things that hurt other people but own up to that and still have self-respect in the process of owning up
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to that is what it means to have that secure inner base we don't need the other people to give us something when we're apologizing to them because we already feel centered in who we are so we can actually show up with true
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empathy for them and true presence even if they're not ready to forgive us number four thing that will not happen when you start healing your attachment style your life will not suddenly lack drama or excitement okay and i have made
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a whole separate video on this but a lot of people fear that if they were to heal their attachment style and get into a secure relationship life would become dull and this is not at all what happens what happens when you become secure is
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that you are finally in the driver's seat of your own life and you get to choose which types of excitement which types of adventures which types of opportunities you pursue as opposed to constantly reacting to drama because you
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feel out of control of your physiological responses to other people's emotions and let me tell you the form of excitement that you choose rather than the excitement that chooses you when you are insecurely attached is about a thousand times more fulfilling
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more meaningful more filled with growth opportunities than anything any sort of excitement that happens when you are insecurely attached and you are simply responding to whatever makes you feel temporarily okay about yourself in the moment when you're secure you have a
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base level of feeling okay about yourself you feel that most of the time okay so then any adrenaline any excitement any joy you choose to bring into your life you are truly choosing and walking into and embracing wholeheartedly and that feels about a
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thousand times better than continuing on the merry-go-round of dysfunction and temporarily getting a hit of something good in the process it's not even comparable and the last thing that needs to be distinguished between security and non-security is that having a secure
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attachment style does not mean your relationships will always be easy you will not always say or do the right thing you will not always get along naturally with every single person you meet but it does mean that in the
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relationships you form that have the natural capacity to be happy and loving and harmonious you will not be throwing any unnecessary roadblocks in the way okay so you still will have to go out there and kiss a lot of frogs to find
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your prince or whatever like less gender normative iteration of that phrase we can find but you will not be throwing any obstacles in your own path that wouldn't otherwise be there right other people are always going to be other
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people there's always going to be drama in the world there's always going to be other unhealthy people out there who don't want to show up honestly and authentically to relationships and you cannot change that it does not matter
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how secure you are it does not matter what you do or how you show up there will always be people you cannot control situations you cannot control but having secure attachment and a secure base within yourself means that at the least
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when you finally do happen into those relationships that do feel relatively easy relatively comfortable relatively calm you can keep them that way right you will not be unconsciously throwing grenades into your own relationships and knowing that you can
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trust yourself to stick with what's right and to give to it and receive from it holistically and honestly is a really freaking good feeling even if it's not currently happening because i think a really big thing that impedes upon our
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self-esteem when we're insecurely attached is knowing that even if the conditions were right there's something within us that we don't always feel in control of that might cause the tides to change at any moment but when you have
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that secure inner base you can at least rest assured that when secure healthy harmonious relationships are available to you and those are relationships that you want to have you'll be able to rise to the challenge right there will still
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be challenges there will still be problems but you won't be creating problems that don't need to exist and that is a really good feeling to have about yourself it is worth doing a lot of work to get there okay that is all i
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have to say for today i just wanted to do a quick reality check because i feel like i have had so many incorrect idealizations about what earning security would mean and i see so many other people also having those
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idealizations and it just does not mean your life is problem free it just means you're able to deal with problems in a mature and adaptive way that's pretty much the whole thing right there as always let me know in the comments
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what your thoughts are which ah-ha moments you're having as you move through your attachment healing process and also as always i love you guys i hope you're taking care of yourselves and each other and i will see you back
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here again really soon [Music] you
Topics:attachment theorysecure attachmentattachment healinganxious attachmentshame-basedemotional regulationrelationshipsself-worthHeidi Priebeboundaries
