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Hello, my dear listeners. This is our fourth talk about what to do if you’ve had an emotional breakdown. An emotional breakdown is, in principle, a completely separate state. And the key task is not just to surface or to
Learn how to manage emotional breakdowns by understanding psyche regression phases and developing mature coping skills for personal growth.
Key Takeaways
- Emotional breakdowns activate early developmental psychological mechanisms.
- Pleasure derived from control and release is central to the anal phase of development.
- Mature recovery involves restoring boundaries and developing new coping skills.
- Understanding these phases helps transform breakdowns into opportunities for personal growth.
- Observation of one’s own thoughts and emotions is a key practice in emotional recovery.
What the video covers
- Emotional breakdowns are distinct psychological states requiring strategies to avoid life disruption.
- Understanding psyche mechanisms during breakdowns helps in effective recovery and minimizing negative impacts.
- Regression during breakdowns often reactivates early childhood developmental stages.
- The video explores the separation-individuation phase starting around 6 months, focusing on self-boundary formation.
- Freud’s anal phase (14 months to 3 years) is discussed as a metaphor for deriving pleasure from control and release.
- Anal phase behaviors include procrastination and last-minute efforts driven by the pleasure of controlled release.
- This phase also involves a struggle for control and power, which can manifest positively or negatively in adults.
- Restoring mature psychological boundaries is crucial during emotional recovery.
- The speaker emphasizes observing thoughts and emotions to facilitate growth and reduce regression impacts.
- Child developmental phases provide a framework to understand adult emotional breakdowns and recovery.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction to Emotional Breakdowns
- 04:31Psyche Focus During Emotional Collapse
- 08:36Understanding the Anal Phase and Control
- 12:32Challenges of Social Norms and Boundaries
- 15:54Personality Development and Emotional Regression
- 19:19Formation of Boundaries and Self-Definition
- 23:11Adult Aggression and Emotional Expression
- 26:57Observing Thoughts and Restoring Boundaries
- 34:41The Anal Triad and Emotional Ownership
- 42:02Child Behavior and Its Impact on Adult Psyche
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
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change your emotional state, but also to ensure you don't totally ruin your life while you're in it. Unfortunately, during an emotional breakdown, the dominant mechanisms in the psyche are scenarios that can greatly exacerbate the situation that led to the breakdown.
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Therefore, knowing the laws—how the psyche works during an emotional breakdown, what can be done, which mechanisms work to our advantage, and why certain phenomena occur—allows us not only to surface effectively and return to adequate functioning, but also to nullify those additional
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negative consequences that may arise. Of course, you always have to remember, you know, that old, good joke about a man lying in a hospital after surgery.
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A doctor comes to check on him, and the patient asks, "Tell me, please, will I be able to play the violin after the surgery?" "Well, of course, you will." "How strange, I couldn't play before the surgery." It may turn out that,
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precisely as a result of an emotional breakdown, you gain new skills if, during that moment of breakdown, you apply and train the skills that are dominant at that time. Our emotional breakdown, our regression, by and large, to early childhood reaction
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mechanisms, often allows us to do something incredible: not to return to the same place we fell from, but thanks to knowledge and skills, to return, well, in general, with riches, with new skills. And then, the situation that led to the emotional breakdown will
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later be perceived by us as a difficult one, but one that gave us a lot. In the first three parts, we discussed regression or emotional breakdown to the stages of early infancy, the symbiotic stage, and the initiative stage. And if you have managed to
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emotionally resolve all these layers, then the psyche, as a rule, moves on to the next layer. It is marked in blue on this diagram. If we were talking about how this works in child psychology, we would say that this is the phase of
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personality formation. In psychoanalysis, there is a special name for this phase. It is called, in principle, starting at the age of 6 months, the phase of separation-individuation begins. If we explain these two words, they are two absolutely different processes. On one
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hand, the psyche separates from the mother, and this is separation. That is, a boundary slowly begins to be drawn.
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On the other hand, individuation begins, that is, self-becoming begins. Processes flow gradually and are divided by age, but at the moment, the theoretical base does not concern us too much. What concerns us is how should I explain this? I have already
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said that during an emotional collapse, the psyche functions just like the body in its essence. The body is a single entity, it has different organs and different systems. But if, for example, a painful process affects the ear, then
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it seems to us that the ear is the rhythm driver. Because if something hurts, all attention, all movement, and all our manifestations are focused on that point. So, at the moment when a so-called regression or emotional collapse of an adult, established
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psyche occurs, we are talking about the fact that the psyche is actually mature. In this phase, which begins at 14 months and normally should end by age 3, a phase called rapprochement, we see a completely unique phenomenon that
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Freud called the anal triad. It is very interesting, because the first year of life is called the oral phase, since the main source of pleasure is the mouth area. Again, the word "pleasure" is a bit tricky; Freud was talking more
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about sexuality, but not sexuality as manifestations related to the sexual sphere, but rather as vitality, as a way of obtaining pleasure. Pleasure, which is largely connected, including with the relief of anxiety. If in the first year, in that very red-green zone,
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in the oral phase, it is food, and for adults, accordingly, smoking, alcoholism, certain expressions, various ways, yes, some kind of verbal activity, including sarcasm or telling jokes—these are also oral methods.
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Then in the second year of life, the second to third, Freud calls this the anal phase. He has an explanation for this, and since I am using this word, let it be added to your collection of curiosities. Freud asserts that by this
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age a child's sphincters mature, and at this moment the child develops their first incredible locus of control. If before this the child could practically not control their urination or defecation, then from about the age of one, the child suddenly gains control.
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And you might ask: "Well, what difference does that make to us? What difference does it make to us during our emotional regression?" And this can be explained by a very simple mechanism. Freud introduces the concept of anal
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pleasure, and it is not at all what is meant in the modern world. No, it has a completely different, psychological meaning. It is the pleasure of release at the very last moment. In principle, this correlates very closely with the
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urogenital sphere. In what sense? In the sense that if, on some warm day, after drinking a bottle of soda, you are walking through a huge shopping mall or, I don't know, a park, and you suddenly need to use the restroom, but
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there isn't one nearby, then by the time you walk there, run there, and get undressed—in that moment, you will experience what Freud described as anal pleasure. It is the pleasure of having controlled a function and then achieving a release. And this control
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until the very last moment, followed by a successful release, becomes a way of deriving pleasure. In the psyche, this will look as follows. It is when you put off preparing for an exam until the very last moment. You wait until the
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last possible second, then stay up all night, take the exam in the morning, and exhale. And the level of this pleasure is much higher than if you had prepared in a planned manner. There is no planned readiness in the anal phase.
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In principle, the word "anal" is just a metaphor. But actually, it is very understandable to everyone, because I once had a patient who did the following thing. In a life not exactly filled with excitement or pleasure, she would return from work, sometimes
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unable to wait even in the elevator, rush into her apartment, bolt into her lovely powder room, and experience an incredible, frankly eroticized, release at that moment. It is the pleasure of that control and that transition from endurance to relaxation. This mechanism
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works for a huge number of people. We really need to pay attention to it. It works, judging by how some hostesses entertain guests. She rushes around until the last minute, doing everything, setting everything up, getting everything ready. Well, it's a complete
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lack of any planned work, but with a huge sense of relief when it finally comes together. Some students say: "If only I could study the way I study in the last 3 days, I probably would have achieved so much in life." Mmm, no, if
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you studied all the time the way you study in those last 3 days, you would probably go insane. But if you learned to work according to a plan—however, planned work is a shift in how one derives pleasure. And it only arrives
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when we develop other, much more mature sources of pleasure. By and large, the anal phase is deriving pleasure from control and power. It is when something becomes subject to you. And it is clear that in this situation, these can be
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positive manifestations, such as when you are in control of order, in control of your daily schedule, or in control of your body because you can manage certain functions. But very often, this shifts toward power over other people.
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Please pay attention, this is a very important, critically important point regarding regression. We have already said many times that the phases of child development are
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the child sincerely believes: "I am the whole world." And if I feel good, then the whole world is good, and I am good.
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This is a very high degree of naivety, because if I feel good, I don't notice what is happening in the world. But this is also a very negative side, because if I feel bad, then the whole world is bad. This is the state of "I
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am the whole world." But it must be said that later, bit by bit, the child starts to develop boundaries. And if the baby sees no point in doing anything, they just emote. Ultimately, since I am the whole world, all I can
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do is simply exist as myself. They have no directed action. And this is normal for their age. This emoting is the main characteristic of regression to these early childhood phases. That is, I cannot do anything, I just whine, I
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just suffer, I just fall apart. In the anal phase, when a boundary starts to appear, it is just beginning to take shape, and a line emerges between "I" and "not-I." A very important characteristic is the emerging need to
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control this "other" that has appeared. You have to understand that I don't know how to build relationships yet. I don't understand how to ask for something. I don't have any social norms. I have this, you know, inner feeling of fear, because the moment
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this "other" appeared, and this "other" is beyond my power, the primary reaction is to control the other person . And so, when we regress to this blue phase, it is the next phase. This is the phase when psychological boundaries
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appear. An incredible amount of control appears in life, beneath which, undoubtedly, fear is hiding. So, on one hand, look, as we move into this phase, the first inability to plan appears.
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For me, the starting point for action is the approach of some kind of deadline. Well, meaning it is no longer possible to wait. Everything is done at the last moment. And here we must understand, if in a mature state I
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calculated my time, I planned, and I could fit it into the rest of my life, then upon regressing to this phase, the indicator of falling into this phase is the inability to plan or distribute my time. That is, at the moment when an
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external boundary arrives, which in the modern world is usually called a deadline, only then do I become active.
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It’s as if I need specific circumstances in order to start doing something. Life needs to start putting pressure on me. Only under high pressure from life do I start to get moving. So, this narrative persists that action somehow doesn't originate
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from me. And if in the oral phase and the first year of life—up to 14 months, well, let's say up to a year— there is, as a rule, no action at all.
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I express emotions and wait for another person to do it for me. Moreover, they are supposed to guess it themselves.
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This is also a very important characteristic of the first year of life. But in the second year of life, when circumstances have really cornered me, I start to do something, but overall my goal is to control the other
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person; this is the beginning of interaction. And these—these combinations of these two qualities, the need for...this indicator of action only at the moment when I have no other choice and when I am doing everything to control the other person so they do
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it for me—these are good characteristics to pay attention to, in order to say: "Dear, it seems you've regressed." At the same time, it’s an absolutely amazing combination, because this phase, say from 14 months to 3 years, is the phase of personality
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development. It is a phase where it is important to me that I do it myself.
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You know, for a child, it sounds like " I do it myselfff." But what is personality development? Let me try to illustrate again how this happens in a child. And then we will see how an adult woman or man who has emotionally
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regressed puts on these mechanisms. And how strange it looks. Personality formation at this age occurs in the following way. Actually, for a personality to be formed, you need to know yourself. But, as a rule, whom do we call a personality? A person who
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expresses themselves. Who wants something. But in order to want something, well, in order to want something, you need to know yourself well. A child doesn't know anything about themselves yet, but the time to become a personality has, well, already
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arrived. What does the child do? They take the external desire of the mother, of that "other" who has appeared, mom, dad, grandma, and simply turn it inside out. Many mothers know this very well.
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Let’s go for a walk. No, let's not go for a walk. Will you put on your tights ? No, I won't put on tights. Will you put away your toys? I won't put away the toys. Okay, just don't put away the
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toys. Yeah, right, in a minute. I start putting away the toys. This is a phase of pronounced protest. For a child, it is the only one possible. Moreover, a child's psyche is naturally wired to behave in exactly this way. When a
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toddler of a year and a half does it, it's generally cute and makes you smile . And if the mother knows that he is maturing through her, she can guide him very easily. Because if Mom needs the child to leave the street and go home,
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she tells the toddler: "No, the most important thing right now is not to go home." The most important thing now is not to go home under any circumstances.
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The child immediately flips it around and says: "I'll decide for myself." And he goes home. Because if Mom says: " Let's go home," he, of course, won't go . Mom knows exactly that if a child needs to learn to make decisions
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independently, she gives him a choice: "Will you wear the red tights or the green ones?" And he thinks: "Aha, I have a choice, I can choose myself." Myself. But the point is that I am always reacting to someone else. My
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sense of self isn't formed yet. Therefore, this oppositional behavior, which is expressed largely through stubbornness, is specific to this age.
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But while children doing this is endearing if we are in a calm state, when an adult regresses to this level or surfaces to it, it means either their regression is shallow or they have begun to heal, and a very
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pronounced protest begins. You want to say no to everyone, and about absolutely anything. And I can't even explain why it's a "no." It's just important for me to have the opportunity to express myself. And in regression, this self-expression
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suddenly and inexplicably manifests in the same way. It must be understood that the main process of this age— roughly from 14 months to 3 years—is the formation of boundaries. It is self-definition. It is an attempt to answer the question: "Who am I?", not
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through an external observer, but through experiencing this age. And since the "I am the whole world" phase is gradually narrowing—not yet to a singular "I," but narrowing nonetheless —and I begin to perceive myself in some way, three very important
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processes begin. The very same legendary anal triad in psychoanalysis that accompanies the child. And that is why the English school, for example, often calls this age "toddler-terrorist ." A toddler is a child who has gotten on their feet and started walking. And
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"terrorist" is a characterization of how they are perceived by their parents . This is by no means that cute baby who had a romance with the outside world that we talked about. This is a child who, for some reason, suddenly
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underwent a drastic change in character . Some even say he’s become spoiled, manipulative, or that he’s been frightened by something. No, this is the process of growing up. What is the anal triad? The anal triad consists of three absolutely incredible traits.
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These are stubbornness, greed, and meticulousness. Now, imagine that these are developmental qualities through which the psyche grows and forms into an adult. But when an adult regresses to this age, these traits evoke a sense of, well, profound horror even in the
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person themselves. We just need to understand where the anal triad comes from and what it means. Then we will truly understand how not to destroy our own lives. So, where does stubbornness come from? You have to understand that
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as boundaries form, the child begins to feel their own "I" and desperately wants to do it themselves. What is "I"?
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To this child, my thoughts are also me. That is normal. It is specific to this age. This means that if a child says something to you and you disagree, they feel like they are being attacked.
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Meaning, if my thought isn't agreed with, I put up a very strong protest. At that moment, I cannot stop to ask, " Why do you think that?""And why do you believe that?" This specific type of interaction, which I call stubbornness,
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is a highly aggressive stance toward those who hold an opposing view. Well, not just opposing, but simply a different view. Please notice that this is a characteristic of interaction. If someone else's opinion differs from mine, it hurts me. If I have an opinion
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, these thoughts are me, and if someone says something else, I am wounded; it hurts emotionally because at that moment it is perceived as an attack on me. And if I am attacked, a counterattack is a healthy reaction.
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This isn't about the child's character; it's about the fact that this little "I ," as I begin to identify myself, is still fragile and vulnerable; it hasn't found its footing yet, and here you are expressing disagreement. But in a small
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child, the intensity of this load, how should I put it, the degree of expression...Sometimes, we actually find these outbursts of theirs quite charming. But when an adult—say, a sixty-kilogram woman or an eighty-kilogram man—reacts with a wave of aggression the moment you
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disagree with something they've said, it’s as if you’ve stepped on their foot with a stiletto heel. It looks unhealthy and unnatural, but during regression, it is a normal reaction. Do you understand? The other issue is that when a child emotionally rebels against
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their mother and is stubborn, the mother can handle it. First of all, those are two different weight classes.
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A mother treats her child with, well, that same maternal love and care. But when an adult behaves that way toward you, you really want to end the relationship, you really want to walk away, or an incredible emotional altercation arises, which is commonly
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called a scandal. And what if these are your loved ones? If I realize that I have failed on several criteria, yes, I understand that I can't start acting at all, that, sort of, only at the last moment do I begin to understand, well,
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about myself, yes, that I really want to force everyone to do something. I just really crave that control. If I suddenly start to realize my protest reaction, then at the moment when I am in pain, and I will state it as the
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fact that I am not being heard or understood—I said: you see, I am being heard perfectly well, it’s just that they don’t agree with my point of view. But I have this inner feeling that I am not being heard or understood
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, because to be heard and understood means that they must exactly agree with my point of view. I really perceive it as an attack on myself, so what can help me at that moment? And at that moment, if I understand what is at
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stake, and there is, as I already said, emotional immaturity which is very different from an emotional breakdown.
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An emotional breakdown is a large part of your psyche. You are a mature person . But the dominant mechanism right now is the failed one. And so I realize that I am having an abnormal reaction, but I am in pain. I am not being heard,
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I am not being understood. They are all just somehow off in their own little worlds. How come? I am a living person too. The level of this emotional charge of mine is completely disproportionate.
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I realize that I am about to start a war, because to force another person to be controlled, to make them change their point of view—I cannot live with two points of view simultaneously during this emotional breakdown. And this is where the key thing is to work
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on yourself, unfortunately. Meaning this is a self-help course, it is not a course on helping others; it is a course on how to stop yourself, well, so as not to ruin everything.
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Everything, everything else. And at that moment, since I believe my stubbornness is based on the idea that my thoughts are me, the most important practice at that moment is observing my own thoughts. I am so bitter, I feel
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what I am thinking about my husband at that moment, what I am thinking about my child at that moment, what I am thinking about my employer at such a moment. I don’t forbid myself from thinking these thoughts, because you
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can waste a huge amount of energy saying, "Okay, okay, start thinking positively, watch someone on YouTube about positive thinking, start thinking about good things." No, that doesn’t work; in an emotional slump, you'll just drain your last remaining strength
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. It is a dominant mechanism. But you sit in a chair, get into a more or less relaxed state—as much as possible— because in this state, when you’re all tensed up, it won't work. But if you sit down, grip the armrests with
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your hands, straighten your chest in that state—yes, open yourself up— and say, "Okay, for the next 10 minutes , I’m going to observe these thoughts and feelings of mine." You close your eyes and start to observe, allowing all
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your thoughts and feelings to come to the surface. And by and large, this is a practice of splitting. In that moment , if I can observe my thoughts and emotions—and these thoughts evoke huge emotions because this is a very
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emotional phase we've fallen into—As soon as I start observing, a split occurs. It turns out that my thoughts are not me, since I can observe them.
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And my feelings are not me, since I can observe them. And as I observe, it’s as if there is an "observing self." And everything that appears between me and this experience starts to form and weave a psychological boundary. This is
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something a child cannot do. They don't have a remaining mature part of the psyche. But if you realize that you’ve fallen into so-called anal stubbornness, that other people's opinions hurt, and you want to argue and settle scores with everyone—
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Basically, you want the last word, because that is the time when the "self " is being formed. Because in a mature state, I think this way, and you think that way. To hell with it. We can each keep our own opinion. We can even have
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tea together. We can have completely different opinions. They might even be on a very important topic. Well, yes, I sympathize that you think that way. It doesn’t...well, I know what I think.
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That is a certain level of maturity. But in the anal phase, if someone thinks differently, they are attacking, because my boundary is overextended, and you need to build a mature boundary . Therefore, your first practice if you catch yourself in this slump—and we
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will go through all the indicators of an emotional slump, because some think it's not a slump, but just that Cinderella has become ill-tempered. But it is an emotional slump, as a rule.
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And at this very moment, strangely enough, you need to start restoring boundaries. And restoring these boundaries is not about boundaries with other people, it’s about restoring a mature boundary, where my thoughts and my opinion—since I’m the one generating this opinion—might change
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tomorrow once I get new input, and I’ll generate an even greater volume of opinions. Tomorrow I might lose interest in this topic altogether, and I won't have any opinion at all. I am the generator of my own opinion. I can
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observe my opinion, allow it to flourish, manifest, and, I don’t know , fill the whole room with it. Opinion, feeling, thought. Please note that since these are phases when the psyche is just forming, it is very important to understand that all the regressive
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stories we are describing involve very little psyche, while everything else is a bodily reaction. If in the first year it is purely visceral, then in the second, a psychic boundary at least begins to form. Therefore, working with the body is extremely important. And
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you know, what’s an example of this? It’s extremely simple. You can sit like this and say: "Life in general, life is a deeply disgusting thing." with life. It’s like, you know, ugh, modern life. Like, I’d be better off
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not being born into such a modern life at all. Yeah. That’s just it. But try to grumble like this and talk about how life is deeply disgusting. If you sit in a chair, lean back, or even better, throw your arms back, straighten up
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like this, push your chest out, relax, and say, you know, "Damn, what a lousy thing life is." It’s clear that if you sit in that pose and say, "Life is a wonderful thing, it's the best thing that’s ever happened to me," it won't
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work. But if you again return to a relaxed state and say that life is a wonderful thing. So, in childhood, you can regulate many processes through the body. When we discussed the phase from 9 to 14 months, the romance with the
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world, you perfectly understand that this is the moment when a child crawls. And when they start crawling, they get on all fours, right? Well, actually, on their hands and knees. And that is, in fact, how they crawl. And they are
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always looking up at the world. That is , when a child is crawling, they have no chance to curl up. The very position of crawling predisposes you to a completely different emotion. When you look up, this area of yours is always
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open. When this area is open, it is very difficult to imagine that everything is bad for you. It’s as if there’s a conflict between the psyche and the body. And during an emotional collapse, you can change a lot through
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your body. Therefore, when you do the practices given in this block, it is fundamentally important what body position you are in. So, a chair, relaxation, head tilted back, as if you are looking up—you can even get into a child's pose on all fours and look at
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the sky from there. In a position like that, saying that life is disgusting will be impossible. And so, you can regulate many processes through your body. So, if you have regressed to this phase—even though this is already a
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powerful phase, because it is the phase where action begins during some difficulties—you still need to draw a boundary. The next quality is this anal triad with stubbornness. We saw that stubbornness is to a very large extent tied, yes, to the fact that my
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emotional boundary is expanded. And stubbornness is also tied to the fact that, in general, this is the time of personality formation. And protest is a way of wanting and a way of living. The second component of this anal triad is
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greed. You need to catch yourself on this. It can be amazing, surprisingly manifested. Again, what is it connected to? The whole point is that my boundary is expanded. Not only are my thoughts me, not only are my feelings me, but
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everything I like is mine. My mom, I like her, so she is mine. My sweater, it gives me positive emotions, so it is mine. My little house gives me positive emotions, so it is also me. That is, everything that is emotionally dear to
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me is me. And then the rule is: any attack on what is emotionally dear to me is an attack on me. That is, if this sweater is dear to me and you spill coffee on it, I see that as an attack
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on me. If, well, if I need my mom, she is my mom, then an attempt to talk to my mom or take my mom for tea without me is perceived as an attack on me. Do you see the point? This is such a thin
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line that you need to feel with your own skin. Well, for example, if you are stuck in this phase, then it will be very clear what I am talking about. You might have a wardrobe, you, I don't know, weighed 45 kg at 18. You were as
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slim as a deer. And that sweater you wore at that moment is emotionally dear to you. It reminds you of the boy you were dating. You will never give it away. You feel sorry for it. Your anal greed is at work. It is a kind of
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internal hoarding. You are far from that size now. I won't give it up. But what’s the point? There is a very important parameter of this anal greed, how it works. If you care about someone , even if this blouse is precious to
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you, you will easily give it away. So, by and large, it is an exchange of emotions. And you will say, "Well, that is normal." No, you say it's normal if you stopped in your psycho-emotional development at this phase or if you
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regress, or slip back into it. Do you see what the issue is? My blouse is not me. I wear it, it makes me look beautiful. But if something happened to it, if I lost it, forgot it, or outgrew
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it, or if, well, I don't know, it became too big, it stops fulfilling its function, I give it away. But an anal-type person becomes overgrown with objects. Their whole house might be cluttered because these items receive an emotional charge. The main
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characteristic of the anal period: the emotion remains part of me. And since the emotion remains part of me, it is impossible to give oneself away.
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Therefore, everything that is emotionally charged cannot leave my space. Understand, my hand—I can't just give it away. My leg—I can't give it away. And I have some emotion left in my handbag. I cannot give it away. I have some emotion left in, uh,
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I don't know, some old pot that long ago lost its purpose—I can't give it away. And that is how people become overgrown with practically everything.
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And this emotional greed is a greed for emotions. The key story. The key story for helping yourself with such emotional greed. The main exercise, it can be reviewed in State Marathon number three—that's part nine, God willing I remember correctly. There is
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an exercise there called "I am a guest. " This is the precise realization that I am a soul and nothing here is mine. I am a soul. An adult can quite easily imagine this. And there is nothing here
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that is mine. The blouse isn't mine, the apartment isn't mine. Oh, the car isn't mine. Yes, I earned it, yes, I bought it, but it isn't mine. I am only a guest. Mine are only my knowledge and my skills. There is nothing that is
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mine. I just have to manage to enjoy it while I can. Manage to enjoy the blouse , manage to enjoy the car. And even my husband and children are not mine. I must manage to enjoy my relationship with my husband to the fullest. I must
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get the most out of living with my children. To live a long, long cycle.
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And even my parents are not mine. After all, I am only a guest. They are given to me for a time, but I need to manage to take the most out of that time. Do you see what the issue is? As soon as
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you start letting in the realization: " I am a soul, I am a soul, this is not mine." That same thin boundary is being drawn. This is a very serious spiritual practice. It is described in detail in the third state marathon, in the ninth
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module. It is practiced in detail with every breath in and out. The practice will be worked on in detail during the spiritual cycle. It is the same everywhere. I cannot add or subtract anything from it. The key point is that
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it allows you to separate yourself from the material layer, even if it is emotionally charged, considering that the basis of a failure in the anal phase is an expanded boundary, and this expanded boundary triggers certain emotional reactions. If someone attacks
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your opinion, the desire to start a scandal, to yell, to prove something, to prove that I am right. This desire to be right. Although what difference does it make to me if I am right or wrong? I still hold my own opinion
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anyway. At the level of relationships with materiality. Everything that is important to me, everything that is emotionally charged for me, everything I have emotionally touched, I don't notice it starting to suffocate me. I don't notice how cluttered my space is.
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I cannot part with it. And most importantly, at the moment when it moves away from me, this is clear from the example of a mother; it is visible in a small child. Let me try to give you a clear example. Look, I have
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already told you that the first year of life is an anaclitic relationship. This means that if I have a need, I call my mom, she comes, feeds me, changes me, I am satisfied and happy, she leaves, and nothing bothers me. Mom can go to the
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kitchen, Mom can go to see guests, but I am lying in my crib, blowing bubbles, I am happy, maybe I fell asleep, maybe I am cooing. Well, if I need something, I will get bored and start screaming again. But in general, it doesn't
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bother me that Mom left. But when the separation into "I" and "not-I" begins, and it basically starts at the end of the first and beginning of the second year, many grandmothers say the child was frightened, because Mom is in the
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room, and the child is happy. Mom left the room, the child starts screaming, there is a key decrease, he has no object, he starts screaming. But he slept fine before. He used to be calm about Mom leaving or going somewhere,
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like to the store, when he was left with Dad or Grandma. He felt just fine.
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Why is he anxious now? Well, before, the child thought that I and Mom were one whole. He believed that I am the whole world and nothing can ever go away. As soon as a boundary begins to emerge, anxiety arises that this "other
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" might go somewhere. That is why the moment mom leaves, the child drops their toys and crawls after her. And at this phase of separation, the child is very attached to the mother. They need to physically control the object. But
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the boundary between "I" and "other" is extremely distinct. It is outlined by an absolutely different layer. This is "I". My thoughts are "I", my feelings are "I". And everything that is emotionally significant to me is also " I". And when that moves away, I
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experience incredible anxiety. Therefore, the second practice you can do in this situation is to repeat it not during anxiety, but in everyday life. I am only a guest. If you don't fully understand this practice, rewatch the third marathon, part nine. The
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third element of the anal triad. A completely amazing element is the automatically created mess. There is a profound psychological meaning in this.
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Since this age is about personality formation, the formation of the self, when I leave traces behind me, I feel myself, I feel alive. Therefore, wherever I am, since the psyche's central task is self-expression, this " I am here, I am everywhere"—well,
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just like a cat marks its territory, I mark myself. Moreover, the process is deeply unconscious. So, I dropped my slippers, tossed my sweater, left a pen , left something else. By evening, there is total mess and chaos. Small
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children leave traces. They, I don't know, draw, they, I don't know, smear something with mom's lipstick, they leave everything behind them. They absolutely must change something in the space. The psyche has a need to leave its mark. And it's clear that growing
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into maturity from this looks as follows. At some point, I begin to understand that I exist. My boundaries narrow down to my body. I no longer need to leave traces. Although many adults have not grown beyond this stage
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. Well, basically, you know what it looks like for them? You come home and realize, I don't know, there are traces left: the mother-in-law was here, or there are traces: the kids ran through, or there are traces: the husband was
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here. And everyone is like: "It's normal to leave traces of activity." No , ladies and gentlemen, it is not normal. What is normal and mature is: you took it, you put it back. It is a certain maturity when you have a
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completely different relationship with space. But we don't realize that this is not untidiness, it is the psyche's need for the space to react to me, to show that I exist. One must understand that many mothers who try to make the
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child tidy up can, through counter-control, force the child to invert this trait. In psychoanalysis, there is a concept called reaction formation. That is, flipping a quality to its opposite while retaining the underlying meaning. For instance, if you force a child to strictly control
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their impulses, they might change that inner urge to keep order everywhere. But then, an anal type of neatness forms, which the child never grows out of in adulthood. This is controlling others through order. It looks like this: I’ve mopped the floors, and
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you’re walking all over them. Or like this: the toothbrushes go in the cup on the left, and the paste on the right.
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Switch them, and I’ll bite your head off. You need to understand that the anal phase is highly aggressive. It carries the same core meaning. The meaning is: I exist, and I cannot be attacked. It is not just "I exist."
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It’s not just wanting things my way, because for me, having my way is synonymous with...Existing. Hence such a need. It is not about being capable of compromise. The key characteristic of this phase is: "I want it to be my
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way." And in relationships, it becomes a struggle for being right. That very same anal stubbornness. In terms of order, it can manifest as control through excessive neatness. But in a normal sense, it’s like: "This is my desk, my mess." By the way, I know
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exactly where every single paper is. But if you touch it, I’ll kill you. You have to understand, you can flip any quality; reaction formation can flip greed, and then it becomes anal squandering. That isn’t generosity, it’s specifically squandering. I got
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my paycheck, and to everyone dear to me , I quickly give everything away. I give everything away, I can’t hold onto anything, and later I can’t control my life at all. It’s just flipped. It’s a psychological defense to appear more socially acceptable.
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It’s not for nothing that English therapists call a child at this stage a terrorist, because they are stubborn, greedy, and messy. But strict, controlling upbringing can flip all three of these qualities. A child can become passive. They can flip it into
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obedience, but that obedience will be very specific. And a great many people are stuck in this phase entirely.
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Because if we were analyzing how a person matures rather than emotional failure, we’d say there are those who kept growing and growing. And then, for certain reasons, they stopped growing here. We aren't discussing what makes a person grow. We don't have that task
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for now, but they simply haven't grown. And that’s why many employees behave in the following way. Uh, their boss tells them to do something, and since they’re obedient, they do it. But they did it to prove to their boss that
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he’s an idiot. Because I know for a fact that it should be done differently . And the question is: if you saw how it was turning out, why did you do it?
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Why didn't you come, speak up, or talk it over? Remember, inability to negotiate is an entirely different phase when it comes to developing certain traits. Here, what matters most is internal righteousness and an inner sense of power. And if I was forced to
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do it, if I had to be obedient in this system, having regressed to this phase, well, I’ll do exactly as you said, so you’ll see you’re an idiot. I’ll stick to my opinion, while not saying a single word about it. Thus, the
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following idea emerges. When it comes to an emotional breakdown, depending on the complexity of the life situation and how much life has pressured us, we can fall into this phase, or the opposite can happen: we fall very deep,
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do practices, and then rise to this phase, only to catch ourselves with a huge urge to tell everyone to get lost.
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Do you see why I say this is a threat and can significantly worsen the consequences of our already difficult lives? Because I’ll want everything to be my way. I act out in protest; perhaps I could have reached an
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agreement with everyone, but instead, I give this kind of reaction. I am "me." And at this phase, whether regressing or surfacing, we can severely damage our relationships with loved ones. And it is much safer to check ourselves against the most important indicators
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before we decide to tell everything to our relatives, our boss, or the school principal and teachers. Check ourselves in what way? I’m having this incredible emotional swing. I want to tear everyone apart. I sit down and observe my emotion. Yes, sometimes
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there is mature, adult, righteous anger . And then this practice won't help you at all, under no circumstances, because a healthy, mature reaction is to go, speak up, and achieve a change in the situation. In the case of an anal
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regression, if we have entered a relaxed phase and started observing our thoughts and emotions, and they begin to change because there is an observer and a reactor. And as an observer, as I do the exercises, I grow stronger as an
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observer. And somehow, I’m not as angry anymore. And actually, I’ve become somewhat uninterested in all of it. And I'll just go do other things; that means it was an immature reaction, it was a reaction of being "right." Similarly, when it becomes incredibly
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painful and hurtful for us because, I don't know, our partner smiles at some friend of theirs, and wild jealousy stirs within us, there is, of course, a perfectly adult jealousy when we are witnesses to, say, lies or betrayal.
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But there are things behind which there is nothing, yet they drive us mad. And at that moment, we begin the practice: "I am a guest." No, the practice "I am a guest" is called: "I am a soul, I am
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only a guest in this life." There is nothing that is mine. My husband is not mine; he is given to me for a time so we can experience certain things together. My children are not mine. And when I immerse myself in this practice
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and begin to do it, if the picture of my perception changes, then I congratulate you; you are at this phase . This is very important. Why? Because an adult, a mature person who is not emotionally collapsed, sees how things
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really are. In fact, they see reality and understand that it can be both bad and good, in various ways. They are capable of reaching agreements and finding common ground between two opinions. They live absolutely easily, without falling apart, if someone
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else's opinion is different. They do not fall apart at all if another person has different interests. And if I understand that my interests diverge from another person's, I am capable of contact and conversation, you see, whereas at the anal phase, contact and
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conversation are impossible. There, the true value—and this is very important to understand—the norm is being right . Once again, this period of life, if you are a child, is given so that you become a separate individual. This is
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the time for forming boundaries. Fortunately, little ones usually have a loving mom and dad, and they somehow manage this period, enduring this protest state of the child and their emotional swings. This is the "terrible twos" crisis. This is a difficult
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period. But it is a period of growing up, and when an adult regresses into this period, relationships with others can deteriorate significantly, yet the adult cannot consciously stop. That is, if you do not do the practice of observation, the practice that there is
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nothing of mine in this world, that I am only a guest, that I am a soul, and therefore my knowledge, skills, and everything else are not mine. If these two practices are not done, then you go to war, because the normal, healthy
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reaction of a child at this age is to fight for themselves. And parents just need to survive it. Survive it, understanding that this is a very temporary story, that it looks cute, if a little silly. And, well, go on, my
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little one, alright, alright, put on the blue tights, don't put on the green ones. There is one more important point here. Sometimes, when I look at some, what are they called, male-female chats ? No, when experts run all these
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practices on how to talk to men, how to talk to women, how to, I don't know, reach an agreement with each other, it seems to me like an instruction manual for managing the anal stage. Because adults are people who give each other
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freedom. Adults see what is happening to one another. When something happens, they can ask each other questions. And they don't play games. But the anal stage, where playing games is the norm, because one person plays to win, and
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the other plays along, but knows for sure that they actually won. And in reality, a completely different process is taking place. It is a process of growing up, and when one person is clearly directing the other for their
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own interests. And that is not manipulation. But with adults, when one is an adult and the other is also an adult, not a child, it is pure manipulation. So, ladies and gentlemen, let's go over it again. You have found
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yourself with a huge desire to have your opinion respected, to have it definitely taken into account, to have it considered correct. You are in a lot of pain from your emotional swings, and you realize that everything I described
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applies to you. Congratulations. You are in one of the processes. If you were different before, and now things are like this for you, it's an emotional slump. Well, and if you recognized this as your own portrait, then you haven't fully matured. If you
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haven't matured, then you need practices to help you grow up. Then you need to sit down and watch the state marathon very, very carefully. And you need to watch the "Instruction" course, because an adult perception of reality is, of course, based on spiritual
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values. In childhood, it is formed automatically, normally between a healthy mother and a child. But for adults, it is an individual responsibility to get yourself in order . But in an emotional slump, as you remember, the most important thing is
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not to draw conclusions about yourself. The main conclusion is: I have slumped. And then, with the help of the practice of observing your thoughts and emotions and the "I am a Guest" practice, you will quite quickly emerge into the next
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phase of your mental development. In Russian, we say "surface" or emerge. There will be one more phase here, also related to the anal stage. But we will talk about this practice in the next lecture. And it will likely be the last
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one, after all. We are very close to the part where you emerge from your emotional slump. Look, all emotional slumps can be passive or active. And now you clearly see, yes, that you have listened to all four parts. And you
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realize that the first two parts are a passive failure. That is when my entire activity shuts down. Action is impossible, thinking is impossible, and emotionality is at its peak. The next two phases, which concern failure, are still close to action and are cured by
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action. The practice sub-phase is cured by initiative, and in the next phase, you actually need to curb instinctive action, because the instinctive action is to go, punch someone in the eye, start a war, cause a scandal, and achieve victory. Sure, you achieved
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victory, and you're right. But relationships have fallen apart, your life is falling apart, you are completely right, but you are all alone , and it’s hard for you. Therefore, you need to curb this emotionality, but not by suppressing the emotions—
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rather, let them fully realize themselves while drawing a line between yourself and everything else. And then you will suddenly understand how all that "everything else" accumulates the desire and ability to act differently, while taking the other person into
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account. Well, I’ll tell you about the rest next time. Please leave comments under this video, describe your stories, give examples, and ask questions. Because if you do all this, I get the opportunity to respond to you . And most importantly, your stories
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can turn out to be deeply useful and therapeutic for those who read them. And I will be immensely grateful to you , because then we have co-creation.
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Good luck to you. Let’s slowly surface from this emotional failure. am
Topics:emotional breakdownpsyche regressionchild development phasesseparation-individuationanal phaseFreudcoping skillspsychological boundariespersonal growthemotional recovery
