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hey guys I'm Heidi Priebe welcome back to my Channel or welcome if this is your first time here I just want to acknowledge first of all that I am at a retreat right now so I'm coming at you
Heidi Priebe outlines 10 things securely attached people look for in long-term partners, focusing on shared intimacy, emotional availability, and healthy conflict.
Key Takeaways
- Secure attachment relies on trusting one's own emotions combined with logical evaluation.
- Compatibility in intimacy level, life stability, and enjoyment of each other's company matters more than intensity.
- Healthy partners are emotionally available, take responsibility in conflict, and maintain outside social connections.
- Insecure patterns often lead to choosing partners based on familiarity rather than genuine compatibility.
What the video covers
- Secure attachment involves self-trust: tuning into your own emotions while using logic to evaluate potential partners.
- Securely attached people seek partners who want a similar level of emotional intimacy and closeness.
- They avoid partners who need rescuing or who have a savior/codependent dynamic, preferring partners whose life is reasonably together.
- A key criterion is simply enjoying the person's company, as you would with a close friend, rather than relying on intense attraction alone.
- Compatibility in life goals and lifestyle is important, with clarity about non-negotiables.
- Securely attached people look for partners who feel seen and can give meaningful feedback and comfort.
- A strong social network outside the relationship is viewed as a green flag.
- Reasonable emotional availability and openness is valued over extreme avoidance or overwhelming intensity.
- Navigating conflict well, including taking appropriate responsibility without defensiveness, is a major factor.
- Partners should be roughly equal in maturity, vulnerability, and responsibility.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction and Retreat Setting
- 01:13Secure Attachment and Self-Trust
- 02:33Shared Intimacy Level
- 03:52Life Stability and Avoiding Savior Complexes
- 05:23Enjoying Each Other's Company
- 06:58Compatibility in Goals and Feeling Seen
- 09:16Emotional Availability and Social Networks
- 11:12Navigating Conflict and Responsibility
- 17:58Conclusion
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
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from a different location than usual I've had people comment saying I like that you're always sitting in the same spot wearing the same shirt and I personally love that in other people's videos I love consistency in little things like that so I brought the same
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shirt that I usually wear but I am in a different room now that we've cleared that out of the way let's get to the topic of today's video today I wanted to go over some of the things that securely
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attached people naturally look for in Partnerships so when we talk about attachment Theory a lot of what we leave out of the picture is secure processing we talk a lot about the problem but not quite as much about the solution or
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about that end place that a lot of us who are on attachment healing Journeys are trying to get to which is secure relating and what I want to make clear right off the bat before I dive into these 10 things is that to be securely
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at attached means that you are tuning into your own emotion and logic around the decisions you make so what I commonly see online is a lot of discussion about kind of objective traits or things that we should look for
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in other people when we're getting to know them or when we're starting to date them and something really important that I think gets missed is that the secure world view involves a self-trust so a sense of I can trust my own emotions I
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can trust the way I feel around a person to give me good information about whether or not they're a good fit for me and I use my logic to analyze if my heart is pulling me in one direction
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does that really make sense so the secure world view is one that integrates both cognition and logic as well as emotion so as we go through this list you're going to notice that some of these things are very emotion based and
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some of them are more practical or more logical and the reason that's the case is because four securely attach people those are both very important things to keep in mind you're also going to notice this list is highly open to
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interpretation so for each secure person there's still going to be people they just aren't compatible with people who have different lifestyle preferences than them people who want different things in them and so part of this is going to be just drawing our awareness
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to the areas where we might need to get some clarity with ourselves on what type of relationship we're looking for the way that secure people are more Adept at just naturally feeling into but without any further explanation of all of that I
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will get into 10 things that securely attach people tend to take into account when they're looking to find a long-term partner number one securely attach people naturally seek out people who want to have the same level of intimacy
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as they do in a close relationship so again there are still personality differences between different people who have secure attachment Styles some err on the more sentimental emotional side of things and some err on the more logical side of things however one of
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the key criteria secure people tend to keep in mind and look out for is someone who wants to have the same type of emotional connection as they do so this might mean someone who wants a lot of co-regulating a lot of talking about
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feelings a lot of processing things or it might look like someone who wants less of that so it's not about finding someone who is either super emotional or super not emotional it's about finding someone who wants to exist within the
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same sort of range as you do and again if you're securely attached you generally have a pretty clear idea of what that range is so if you meet someone and you like them a lot but they want either way more closeness or way
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less closeness than you do if you're securely attached that's probably going to be a deal breaker if you're looking for a long-term partner but that also doesn't mean that you write that person off as a human being it might just mean
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there's someone who you have more of an acquaintance ship or a friendship relationship with rather than a committed long-term partnership thing number two that securely attached people tend to seek out in close long-term relationships is someone who to a
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reasonable extent has their life together and I want to be clear this doesn't mean that the person has to be super successful it also does not mean that the person is invulnerable however what you often don't see coming online
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with secure attachment is a savior complex and that's really what I want to highlight here so those who air insecure can be very prone to codependent Dynamics I need you and you need me in some sort of way that means we can't
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fulfill our individual needs on our own air go we will pair up and let's say I will meet all of your emotional needs and you will meet all of my needs for strength and stoicism or whatever it is
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and together we will be a unit that functions well whereas we don't function well individually finding someone who needs you to be okay is not a green light for those who air secure and again it's not that they're not okay with
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people leaning on them or they're not okay lending help where help is due however they're going to be naturally averse to going into to more codependent Dynamics so as a general rule they're going to look for someone who either has
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their life together or is aware of the ways in which their life is not together at the moment and has a concrete realistic plan for getting to that place and the reason for this is that secure partnership is looked at as both an
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emotional and a practical commitment so you want someone who you can work with or who you see has the potential to work with you in order to make sure that your Mutual needs are being met if you do
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become a couple and you end up relying on each other for your Safety and Security needs and again there can be a lot of flexibility and Nuance within that however it is generally going to be a turn off to those who air secure when
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someone does not have their life together and has no interest in getting it together but rather either wants to be rescued or saved emotionally or practically or who wants to do the rescuing or saving because maybe that feels easier than more vulnerable
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intimate forms of connection thing number three that securely attached people look for inside of long-term party Partners is someone who they just like being around and this sounds ridiculous to say out loud however I really don't think that most insecurely
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attached people take this into account very heavily when they're choosing Partners when you are choosing Partners from a place of early wounding when you are repeating the patterns of your Early Childhood that weren't necessarily positive you're not generally looking at
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whether or not you enjoy being around the people who you end up dating it might even feel very confusing to you why you're continuously attracted to people who you wouldn't choose as friends however with secure attachment this is potentially the number one thing
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they are looking for is just a sense of natural compatibility so can I sit with this person and just talk to them the way I would talk to a close friend for hours at a time when I'm finished
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hanging out with them do I feel happy and uplifted and like I've had a strong social bond with them or is the intensity of our relationship the only thing that keeps us together if so you're likely looking at an insecurely
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attached relationship however however secure attachment is generally a pretty low intensity thing you don't feel this kind of wild crazy out of control can't live without you love you feel a sense of affection attraction and trust and you're generally picking someone who you
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would enjoy having in your life even if you weren't in a romantic relationship with them thing number four securely attached people tend to look for in romantic relationships someone who wants the same lifestyle as them so someone who wants to spend money in the same way
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who has similar plans for the future who enjoy similar activities to the ones that they enjoy again this might sound ridiculous to you if you are secure and you aren't aware that there are people out there who don't Factor this in
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however I see in a lot of insecure relationships two people who want totally different things and who cannot have a single coherent conversation about it without it breaking out into arguing or many who just avoid the topic altogether however when you are secure
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you are looking for a partner who shares the things that you like to do in life so maybe you have the same Hobbies or passions or things that you like to talk about but there is generally a strong
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sense of alignment in terms of the kind of life that you want to live so while there are exceptions to this rule generally as a base rule securely attach people have an element of logic to their decisions where they go here's the life
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that I want to live I know what matters to me I know what kind of community I want what kind of job I want to work whatever it is if not specifically within a general range and finding a
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partner who shares a lot of those values or interests is at the Forefront of their mind in approximately equal measure to how they feel about people they meet because again for secure people there is a strongly practical element to long-term partnership they're
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looking for a balance between how they feel and what makes sense thing number five that securely attached people tend to look for inside of long-term romantic Partnerships is someone who can mirror them back to themselves relatively accurately so someone who has enough in
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common with them that they're able to feel truly seen and when they share with their partner they feel as though their partner really gets them and is able to give them meaningful feedback meaningful advice and meaningful Comfort when life
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gets difficult of course nobody's going to be perfect at this however a really strong measure of compatibility is how well two people are able to see and understand each other without having to go to humongously Great Lengths and
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insecure Partnerships there's generally a sense that each person has a fairly good understanding of the other and the areas in which they don't understand each other they're able to communicate through a lot of co-regulating is about being seen accurately and having your
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inner experience mirrored back to you through another person so on a day when you're feeling upset can your partner remind you of who you are when you're not feeling kind of often dysregulated can they give you meaningful advice
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because they truly see who you are all of these things are things that are very important inside of secure Partnerships but sometimes get missed entirely inside of insecure relationships and in many many cases in insecure relationships our worst fear is being truly seen and
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mirrored back to by another person so we might unconsciously choose Partners who we know could never do that for us especially if we have that toxic shame piece right if I believe at my core that if anyone truly saw me they would be
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disgusted by me or they would never be able to love me it's a pretty good strategy to pick Partners who I know for whatever reason will never really be able to truly see me right and you see a
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lot of that going on in insecure dating sixth thing that securely attached people tend to look for in their romantic Partnerships someone who has a strong support network outside of the relationship so whether that means they have a job that they feel really
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connected to with co-workers who they have strong relationships with whether that means they're close to their family whether it means they have a strong social Community generally insecure relationships partners are not each other's only form of social support in
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fact it's incredibly important to have outside sources of social support should anything happen between you and your partner or two you are your partner also to be secure generally means that you also have a strong social support network outside of your primary
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relationship so while there are going to be slight differences of course in terms of levels of sociability it generally just feels kind of weird for secure people if they have this thriving active social life and their partner does not
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or they are the only person that their partner ever confides in or goes to with things it starts to feel imbalanced and that imbalance feels uncomfortable and can bleed into a sense of codependency over time so finding someone who has a
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strong social network outside of the relationship tends to be a huge green flag for securely attached people seventh thing that securely attached people tend to see is a green flag in potential romantic Partners is that they are reasonably emotionally available and
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fairly consistent in their emotional availability and both of those pieces are important right if you're sometimes super emotionally available and then other times completely shut off off that can actually be really disorienting especially when you're looking at who
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you want to spend your life co-regulating with however of course everybody goes through days that are a bit more difficult or periods of their life that are a bit more challenging but as a general rule securely attach people
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are looking for partners who are open about what they're going through even when what they're going through is difficult who can name that and who don't feel a sense of shame or the need to kind of hide away when something is
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wrong and someone who is fairly consistent in their ability to express their feelings because again when you're looking for a long-term partner you're choosing someone to co-regulate with long term and it's very stressful for the nervous system and for your general
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emotional state if someone is super hot and cold so well nobody is ever going to be the exact same two days in a row secure people tend to experience a less extreme emotional range than let's say those who err on the anxious side of
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things and a higher degree of emotional availability than those who let's say err on the avoidance side of things and again that openness that willingness to be honest and sensitive and responsive to one's partner as well as the ability
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to remain relatively consistent over a long period of time in terms of the way that one shows up emotionally and in Partnership is something that secure people tend to naturally seek out in their romantic Partners so while the
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circumstances of Life are going to change and your relationship is going to change the way that you show up with each other and the degree of honesty and openness that you bring to the relationship is likely to stay
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relatively consistent over time thing number eight the securely attached people tend to look for in romantic Partnerships is someone who either wants the same type of future that they want or who wants the future to unfold in the
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same way that they do so the distinction I want to make between those two things is this some people have a very clear very strong very specific view of what they want for the future this can include things like I want to have kids
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in the next five years or I don't want to have kids or I want to live in a city or I want to live in the suburbs and these things can be deal breakers for people so those who have a very strong
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and firm idea about the type of life and the specifics of that type of life that are non-negotiables to them are going to be seeking out people who have those same wants and needs however again there are personality differences between
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securely attached people so you might have a secure person who has kind of a hazier idea of the future maybe they're just a little bit more go with the flow as a person and they don't feel as strongly about having everything mapped
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out specifically in which case maybe they're just looking for someone else who wants to go with the flow and figure things out as the years go by so this isn't necessarily about wanting all the exact same things for the future it's
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about having the same orientation towards the future if you've got the specifics down you want to find someone who wants those same specifics if you prefer to let the specifics come as they will then you're going to want to look
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for someone else who has that same attitude and who isn't trying to get you to get specific well before you feel ready to again this is one that I see getting missed all of the time in secure dynamics that what do you want for the
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future conversation can be so threatening that we can just Veer away from it all together in an insecure couple whereas insecure relationships it's a very natural thing to want to seek someone out who wants to work towards the future in the same way thing
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number nine that securely attached people tend to look for in romantic Partnerships is someone who can navigate conflict well and specifically what I'm going to call navigating conflict well is the ability to take the appropriate amount of responsibility for what's
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going on so this means neither fawning and taking 100 responsibility for everything that goes wrong which often leads to a sense of resentment down the line or refusing to take any of the blame and putting everything on the
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other person and assuming that every single problem is one-sided so secure people tend to approach conflict with a relatively open mind so they're aware that they have their own side of the story but so does the other person and
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there's likely something in the middle that's getting missed especially because more often than not insecure Dynamics conflict is actually about the thing that it's about in insecure Dynamics you have more stories at play right to have an insecure relationship narrative means
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to have some kind of distortions that are constantly going on about the nature of attachment relationships and about how you and other people relate to each other because secure people make minimal distortions on the truth they're pretty much always just trying to get to the
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truth of things and that doesn't mean that conflict is fun it doesn't mean they want to have it however it's a lot easier to sort through conflict respectfully when you're just dealing with the actual issue at hand and you're
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not projecting all of these defensive narratives and stories onto the situation usually in both cases right so secure people are looking for people who don't shy away from conflict but who also don't make it any worse than it has
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to be they want to actually solve their problems get to the root of things and figure out a practical solution for most problems and they're looking for partners who are both able and willing to do the same thing and number 10 this
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is far from the last thing that secure people factor in when they're looking for a partnership but it is a really important one is that they are looking for a strong sense of mutual respect so in insecure Dynamics I'm going to say
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like 80 plus percent of the time if you take both people and ask them who is better in this relationship they're both going to have an answer even if they won't say it it's going to immediately come to mind and it's going to be a
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fairly strong feeling and I want to be clear that you could enjoy being on either side of this Dynamic right you could like feeling like oh this person's better than me I snagged someone who's more attractive more intelligent more
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solid and stable than me right or you could like the feeling of oh because I feel better than this other person I don't really have to be vulnerable in this connection I'm probably not ever going to actually get hurt by it however
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secure people are comfortable with vulnerability and they're also comfortable with responsibility so they're looking for partners who are approximately equal to them in all of the ways that matter to them and what matters to people and what they respect
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in themselves and others is going to be different person to person however with secure people what you don't generally see is relationships that are filled with contempt or with limerence or putting one person on a pedestal because there is that underlying sense of
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friendship companionship and a belief that I'm okay and you're okay there tends to be a true sense of equanimity in Secure relationships both people know what they're bringing to the table both people think it's valuable what they're bringing to the table and both people
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truly respect their partner and value what their partner brings to the table and having a sense of mutual respect is in my opinion potentially one of the most important things when it comes to a relationship persevering you need
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compatibility you need shared interests however you also really need to feel as though your partner is just a good egg that's there's a phrase that I find myself coming back to a lot in my mind you should be able to look at the person
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you're dating marrying in love with and go that's a good egg I got a good one and so did they strong respect for self strong respect for other That's the basis of that I'm okay you're okay world view all right that's all I have to say
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for today on the topic of things that secure people look for in romantic Partnerships I could say a lot more than this and I'm certain that I will over the course of this channel but I just wanted to point out some of the things
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that I see as the biggest differences between what people who are insecurely attached unconsciously seek out in Partnerships versus what securely attached people consciously seek out so if you are looking to move into a more secure place yourself I encourage you to
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just put some thought into all of the above what type of future are you looking for in what way do you want to move towards it what level of emotional closeness are you looking for what level of intimacy on various levels are you
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looking for and any of those things that feel super important to you are you willing to make them a deal breaker because I can promise you from a lot of experience you cannot walk into a relationship that has a lot of these
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things as incompatible abilities and just hope that the other person is going to change to start wanting what you want that works out for very very few of us insecure people know how to cut through a lot of that potential Drama by just
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basing their decisions off of a mix of emotion and practicality right from the get-go all right that's all I have to say on this topic for today as always let me know in the comments section what you're thinking feeling experiencing struggling
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with as you move through the process of attachment healing as always I love you guys I hope you're taking care of yourselves and each other and I will see you back here again super soon [Music]
Topics:attachment theorysecure attachmenthealthy relationshipslong-term partneremotional availabilitycodependencyrelationship compatibilityconflict resolutionattachment healingdating
