Why You Keep Fighting About Money — A Therapist Explains

My partner and I keep fighting about money. How do we stop? I hear questions or a variation of these questions all the time in my therapy room, in my inbox, in conversations that I hear with friends and family. And my answer might surprise you, but it's not always about the budget or the spreadsheet. It's actually how we talk about money and what money means to us that can really change the outcome of a conversation. I work with couples every week, and I see this play out constantly. And today I want to get into what's actually happening and how you can start having a different conversation. If this is useful, share it with someone else who you think might benefit from it. Most couples I know are feeling it at the moment. And it's not just couples, it's everybody, really. Things that maybe used to be an automatic decision, like getting a takeaway coffee or going out for lunch or ordering takeout, now come with a little bit of extra mental calculation. Can I? Should I? What if? And there's so much thought that goes behind some of those decisions.

How people talk about money can affect so many parts of their relationship, and it seems to get extra heated when things are actually financially tough. It's not always the case. Sometimes people who struggle to talk about money, and couples who fight about money, those fights wouldn't change if you added a couple of zeros to their paycheck. It doesn't matter how much money they have; these fights might still occur. But saying that, when people are under financial pressure, and there are changes in the economy or changes in work conditions, or the cost of living is more expensive, or someone has an illness and money's actually really stretched thin, these conversations are heavier, harder, and carry a lot more weight.

And that's what I'm seeing at the moment. Now, I like talking about money with couples. It feels like it's one of those taboo topics, like we just don't talk about money and sex. And both of those things are fantastic to talk about in couples therapy, and I cover them both in my relationship preset course, because how we talk about those difficult topics can make a really big difference to our relationship satisfaction. A recent report by Relationships Australia found that nearly 80% of respondents reported relationship pressure in the last 6 months, with the cost of living named as the top driver for the first time ever. And nearly half of people interviewed say that financial pressure has worsened their anxiety or depression, and that shows up directly in their relationship. So, financial pressure is real, and the impact is real. Job insecurity is its own layer, and if you're struggling with employment or underemployment, or you have had a redundancy, that's going to have a huge impact financially on you and your family. But what I want to talk about today is how we have those conversations, how we conceptualize what money means, why we fight about it, and that it's so much more than just pulling out a spreadsheet and sticking to a budget. About 58% of Australian couples say finances are a major source of conflict. So that's over half. If it's not you and your partner, it's somebody you know. So, nearly half, more than half, of Australian couples fight about money, and this causes conflict. And I want to help change that in this conversation today. Why is it so hard? One bit is sometimes there's not enough of it. So, there might not be enough money, you might not have the budget that you want for the expenses or the day-to-day living. Add in a child, someone reducing work, and all of these things can really add financial pressure. So, that's one piece: the actual dollars and cents. The other piece, which is my focus today, is the stories we have about money, the beliefs we have about money, the things that we assume that were there long before we met our partner, that were formed in childhood. And I'm not a financial adviser, I'm not an accountant, I'm a therapist. So, the therapist side of this is the emotions behind money, the feelings behind money, how we think about it, and how we communicate our thoughts and beliefs with our partner, how we show curiosity for their thoughts and beliefs without criticizing, without judging, and try to have a conversation without getting defensive or stonewalling or any of those patterns that we know are really unhelpful when we're trying to have a conversation. So, when I see couples fight about money, they're almost never fighting about actual money. They're fighting about what it means to them.

Safety, power, independence, fairness, love, control. Each person brings a money story into their relationship, and that's shaped by how they grew up, what they witnessed, what they didn't witness. Maybe they do what their parents did, or they're trying to do the exact opposite. What was role-modeled, what was hidden, what was assumed, what stories did they get? All of those things shape how we see money, and how we see ourselves in relation to money.

Nobody, not a single person, grows up in a neutral money environment. The tricky thing is, you will both have had different environments, different exposures, different philosophies about money, and that might be tied to identity or work ethic or perceived value. And most couples, when I do this work with them, have no idea what their partner's money story is.

Sometimes we think if we love someone, or we get along, or maybe they're very similar to us, that they share a lot of the same beliefs. And sometimes that might be true, but these stories are deeply personal, and sometimes people aren't even aware of it themselves until we start talking about it more explicitly. Your money story was shaped long before you could do long division.

So, think about that. Long before you even did maths or learned how to use a calculator, you had an idea about money.

Whether you received pocket money or money in a birthday card, or you saw your parents gambling or paying for things in cash or using a credit card, or not talking about money, all of these things shape your ideas and beliefs about money. I've had some really great conversations on the Australian Finance Podcast about couples and money, and I love talking about the relationship side of these conversations on a finance podcast, because it's so important to understand how we feel about money and how we communicate that. Otherwise, we can't put in place those shared financial goals. We can't have that buffer. We can't do the investing. All of those things that might be important to one or both people are really hard to implement if you don't have the safety and the trust to have the conversation about what all of those things mean and what your shared goals are. I want to share a story where money seemed like it was the fight, but it really wasn't.

Let's say we have a couple, and one of them comes home one day really excited with a brand new barbecue. He's been doing all the research. He got a good deal. He came home with the barbecue, and his wife was devastated and completely caught him off guard. Instead of being excited for him that he got this beautiful barbecue, she was angry and upset, and he couldn't understand why. For him, he had been saving his money for quite a while, not getting lunch out, not getting a coffee out, putting away $10 or $20 a week to buy this barbecue. He had this dream of setting up the barbecue in the backyard and having lunch or dinner with the family, something they could get together around, grilling burgers or putting on sausages or just sitting around the barbecue, talking, laughing. He had this beautiful idea of this treat. This barbecue wasn't just a thing for me. It had a story about how I would like our weekends to go, our Sundays to go. Maybe we can invite people over and have a relaxed, lazy barbecue lunch. So he had this whole dream behind this. So when he came

in couples therapy and I cover them both in my relationship preset course, because how we talk about those difficult topics can make a really big difference to our relationship satisfaction. A recent report by Relationships Australia found that nearly 80% ends reported relationship

pressure in the last 6 months. With the cost of living named as a the top driver for the first time ever. And nearly half of people interviewed say that financial pressure has worsened their anxiety or depression, and that shows up directly

in their relationship. So, financial pressure is real, and the impact is real. Job insecurity is its own layer, and if you're struggling with employment or underemployment, or you have had a redundancy, that's going to have a huge impact financially on you and your

family. But, what I want to talk about today is how we have those conversations, how we conceptualize what money means, why we fight about it, and that it's so much more than just pulling out a spreadsheet and sticking to a

budget. About 58% of Australian couples say finances are a major source of conflict. So, that's over half. So, if it's not you and your partner, it's somebody you know. So, nearly half more than half of Australian couples fight about money, and this causes

conflict. And I want to help change that in this conversation today. Why is it so hard One bit is sometimes there's not enough of it. So, there might not be enough money, you might not have the budget that you want for the expenses or

the day-to-day living, add in a child, someone reducing work. All of these things can really add in that financial pressure. So, that's one piece is the actual dollars and cents. The other piece, which is my focus of today, are

the stories we have about money, the beliefs we have about money, the things that we assume that were there long before we met our partner, that were formed from childhood. And I'm not a financial adviser, I'm not an

accountant, I'm a therapist. And so, the therapist side of this is the emotions behind money, the feelings behind money, how we think about it, and how we communicate our thoughts and beliefs with our partner, how we show curiosity

for their thoughts and beliefs without criticizing, without judging, and try to have a conversation without getting defensive or stonewalling or any of those patterns that we know really unhelpful when we're trying to have a conversation. So, when I see couples

fight about money, they're almost never fighting about actual money. They're fighting about what it means to them.

Safety power independence fairness love, control. Each person brings in a money story into their relationship, and that's shaped by how they grew up, what they witnessed, what they didn't witness. Maybe they do what their parents did, or they're trying to do the

exact opposite. What was role modeled, what was hidden, what was assumed, what stories did they get? All of those things shape how we see money, and how we see ourselves in relation to money.

Nobody, not a single person, grows up in a neutral money environment. The tricky thing is, you will both have had different environments, different exposures, different philosophies about money, how that might be tied to identity or work ethic or perceived

value. And most couples, when I do this work with them, they have no idea what their partner's money story is.

Sometimes we think if we love someone or we get along, or maybe they're very similar to us, that they share a lot of the same beliefs. And sometimes that might be true, but these stories are deeply personal, and sometimes people

aren't even aware of it themselves until we start talking about it more explicitly. Your money story was shaped long before you could do long division.

So, think about that. Long before you even did maths or learned how to use a calculator, you had an idea about money.

Whether you received pocket money or money in a birthday card or you saw your parents gambling or paying for things in cash or using a credit card or not talking about money, all of these things shape your ideas and beliefs about

money. And I've had some really great conversations on the Australian Finance Podcast about couples and money, and I love talking about the relationship side of these conversations on finance podcast because it's so important to understand how we feel about money and

how we communicate that. Otherwise, we can't put in place those shared financial goals. We can't have that buffer. We can't do the investing. All of those things that might be important to one or both people are really hard to

implement if you don't have the safety and the trust to have the conversation about what all of those things mean and what your shared goals are. I want to share a story where money seemed like it was the fight, but it really wasn't.

Let's say we have a couple and they One of them comes home one day really excited with a brand new barbecue. And he's been doing all the research. He went and got a good deal. He came home with the barbecue, and his wife was

devastated and completely caught him off guard. Instead of being excited for him that he got this beautiful barbecue, she was angry and shitty, and he couldn't understand why. For him, he had been saving his money for quite a while, not

getting lunch out, not getting a coffee out, putting away $10, $20 a week here to buy this barbecue. He had this dream of setting up the barbecue in the backyard and having lunch or dinner with the family. That that could be something

that they got together around and grilled burgers or put on sausages or just sat there around the barbecue, talking, laughing. He had this beautiful idea of this this treat, this barbecue.

wasn't just a thing for me. It has a story about how I would like our our weekends to go, our Sundays to go. Maybe we can invite people over and we can have a relaxed, lazy barbecue lunch. And

so he had this whole dream behind this. So when he came home with the barbecue, that wasn't just cool, I got an $800 barbecue. That was I'm investing in something that yes, it's a treat for me cuz it's got a few features of a

barbecue that I really like, but I'm picturing this beautiful thing that I can do for us and for our family. And for her, it was I had no idea that we had that much that wiggle room in the

budget. There's me stressing about buying sourdough bread, or do I get the cheapest bread, or do I have to buy the big tub of yogurt instead of the individual sachets that I know the kids like. I'm stressing out about feeling

guilty to get a a on my way to daycare to drop off the kids. And so she was really stressed that maybe there didn't need to be that much stress about the budget, that there might have been some

wiggle room. And she was making all of these choices and sacrifices day-to-day. And seeing him come home with a barbecue felt really selfish. So she felt that he was being inconsiderate, hadn't consulted with her. And he felt that I

deserve this, I work hard, I'm not stopping you buying anything that you want. I'm doing this for the family. And so a big fight had happened. And And so what we needed to talk about was how that story came about around I deserve

this, budgeting for the family household, why those conversations hadn't happened, and what assumptions they made, what assumptions they made about who's managing the household budget, and if they needed more transparency across their finances. So through this conversation and a few more

that they had, they were able to find a way to have more transparency and set aside an amount that they could build up for their splurge purchase. And so, together they could have a conversation about that. If we didn't have that

conversation, it would have been so easy to reinforce those beliefs. For him to complain to his mates that my wife is micromanaging me, she's not letting me buy anything nice. And his mate's like, "Yeah, that's ridiculous. You work hard

for the money. You're getting a barbecue and you want to do it for your family.

That's amazing. Why would she be so upset? You're such a good dad." And for her friends to say something similar of, "That must be so stressful. You're there trying to negotiate with your kids to eat the food that they maybe don't like

cuz you don't want to buy all the treats and you're trying to save money on the groceries and you're trying to cut pennies with the electricity and you're walking to places instead of driving to save petrol and he goes and gets this

big purchase when you're doing all of these things to try and save money. How rude, how inconsiderate, what an awful person." And you can see how you can find so much evidence to make your partner the bad guy. And these money

stories can fuel so much animosity and contempt in a couple. And then they're not able to have the conversation. So, that was not just about the barbecue. It was about all of this underneath about what money meant, had been happening in

the climate of the household, and also about wanting to be involved and included, not about asking permission, but having influence over the finances, being able to for him to have autonomy, to have the odd purchase that he wanted,

the discretionary spending that they then agreed to and found a way to do, and for her to feel like there was room to buy those treats and maybe to purchase something that was seen as a bigger expense, but a treat for her. And

so, they were able together to problem-solve that once they understood what it was really about for them, they kept having fights every now and again about money, but over time developing the skills to talk about those in a

different way helped them get through those conversations, understand each other more, and have a little bit more compassion for where the other person was coming from. So, you can see even just from that small example that it's not a surprise that we fight about money

a lot. And had that couple had an extra, I don't know, couple of thousand dollars a month, they probably still would have fought about the barbecue because it wasn't just the trying to save money bit on the day-to-day expenses. It was the

idea of feeling involved and included or having autonomy to make those purchases. They were like beliefs about how they wanted to spend money or how they wanted to collaborate on money that hadn't really been spoken about that they had

differences about. And so, that would have happened regardless of how much money they earned. Research shows that money arguments are the top predictor of relationship breakdown. And that's not how much you have or how much debt you're in. It's the way you talk about

it. And I work with couples every week and I see this play out time and time again. And the couples who struggle most with conversations about finances are not always the couples who struggle the most financially. They're the ones

who've never really talked about what money means to them. You can be broke and do this really well, and you can be financially free and comfortable and do this really badly. A study of over 5 and 1/2 thousand couples found that the

pattern of the conversation predicted the outcome, not the financial situation. And money conversations lasted longer and were more intense than any other kind of argument. So, money is a big high-pressure topic that most of us don't have that we get taught not to

talk about, that it's rude to talk about money, to ask someone how much they earned or how much something cost. And especially for women, I know from a very young age, we weren't educated the same way about money. All the marketing and

and resources out there are around saving money or finding sales, assuming that the only way for women to have extra money is to stop spending it. And all of the marketing and programs out there for men were around investing and

growing wealth. And so there are gendered lenses in which we come into this with with a beliefs about women don't know how to invest money or women just spend lots of money or men should have control of the finances. And some

of these are not really discussed in a relationship, how comfortable people feel to talk about those things, what assumptions they have. And so you can see how those fights about money can impact us in so many areas. So it's not

just about money, it could be identity, confidence influence understanding. All of these things can show up when we talk about something that feels so deeply personal. And so it's not just about let's sit down and do a budget.

Some people that might work for and if that works for you, great. If you're struggling and if you're having these fights, then taking a step back and trying to understand a bit more about what your beliefs are about money is

going to be really helpful. And I talk about that, there's a whole module in my relationship reset course. You can do that anytime on demand, the link is in the description. Couples who never talk about money tend to discover the

misalignment much later. And by then there's usually resentment, secrecy, and sometimes even a power imbalance that has been building for years. It doesn't mean on your first date you have to talk about money and say how much do you earn

and what's your ideas in the investing, but these are conversations that you have throughout the relationship as the relationship matures and progresses.

Maybe on your first date you might have a conversation about expectations of who pays. And then if you move in together, you might have a conversation of how do you divide the rent if one of you earns more or less or

what happens if someone's studying and the other person's working and earning a bit more. What happens on holidays together if there's a discrepancy between how much you earn? Does one person pay for the other? Does one person owe the other person money? How

do you divide things because what is fair and equitable for each couple is different and it's not just 50/50 in terms of let's say it's a $100 expense and we split it each 50/50. There might be things that feel fair and equitable

for you. Your split might be 70/30. You might have disposable income where you're like, I can cover the whole thing. That feels fair and equal to me because I want you there. There's no one way to do this. Avoiding the

conversation all together is bound to get you into a pretty tricky situation and lead to some resentment and feeling maybe disconnected from your partner.

And that then bleeds into all of the other areas of the relationship. Avoidance feels safe in the short term.

If we avoid the conversation, it's like, "Whew, okay, cool. We got away from this." And this time, you know, partner says, "We need to do a budget. Sit down and do a budget." You're like, "Yeah, yeah, cool. We'll do it on the weekend.

We'll do it on Friday." Friday comes around, you're tired, you're pooped. The last thing you want to do is a budget.

And so it gets avoided. It gets postponed. And sometimes it just gets avoided for so long that the other person starts to think, "Well, they're not in interested. They don't want to do this with me. I keep trying to say we

need a budget." But the other person's hearing you're spending too much. So even the simple suggestion of we need to do a budget for the other person might feel restrictive and might feel like they're losing control and they don't

have autonomy. So even that word might be enough to activate something really strong in the other person. I hate doing a budget. I absolutely hate it. I use a different process of just dividing my accounts into different buckets like the

Barefoot Investor, but I've read a lot about money. I've learned about investing. I've followed podcasts. I've done little workshops.

And slowly slowly I've built my literacy around money and I feel less awkward, not totally comfortable, but less awkward having those conversations and being able to understand what I thought about and where those beliefs came from.

And that's everything from using a credit card to a savings account to how much money feels comfortable in as a buffer as an emergency fund. All of those things are very personal and having those conversations is really important. And if they're awkward and

difficult, we're going to want to avoid them, which is not a good thing to do.

So, how do we turn that around? How do we stop that avoidance and start to have the conversation? The budget conversation is not what I'm talking about here. I'm not suggesting that you, after listening to this, you make a time

with your partner like, "Great. Marie said we need to do a budget." No, she did not say that. I'm suggesting that you work through some of the questions before that. And if you need to introduce it like, "I heard this podcast

and they're talking about couples fighting about money and there were some really interesting things in there that I didn't know about myself. Could we have a chat about this or can I share this with you?" So, start off by saying

what you learned. If you say to your partner, "You need to listen to this," there's a chance they're going to get defensive. And so, being curious and leading with your own feelings first of, "I felt really compelled by this

episode. I learned something about myself I didn't know. Could I share that with you? I'd like to share that with you. I'd like to have a discussion." And if in the past it's gone bad and you've really messed it up, own that. Just say,

"Last time we had this conversation, I feel like I really put my foot in it and I really it up. Can I have a round two? Like, can I can I take have a take two? Can I try this again? Be

honest. Be open. So, you can start off with something like, what does money mean to you? Not how much you want, but what does it represent? That in itself could be a really interesting question, you know. Even something like, is money

good or bad? Is it What did you learn about money growing? And then you can dig a bit deeper. So, some of the questions that you can ask are things like, what are you most afraid of financially? What did you learn from

your parents about money? Who earned it? How it was spent or saved? Is there anything from that you want to replicate or avoid? What does financial stability or security feel like for you? Is it a number, a feeling, a plan, a system? If

we had enough, firstly, what would that be? And what would we do differently? They're just some of the questions that you can ask. I have a whole bunch more in my relationship reset course, but hopefully that's a starting point to get

you thinking about those things, to be curious about money, and trying to frame the questions in a way that opens up and invites conversation rather than feels critical. So, saying something like, "Why did you do that? Why do you put

everything on credit card?" is going to most likely activate some defensiveness in the other person. But, saying something like, "Hey, I noticed that you pay for a lot of things on credit card.

Can you tell me about your thought process behind that?" That would be very different. Maybe they're trying to collect points. Maybe they have a system of keeping money in their offset account, putting things on credit, then paying it all off in one hit. Or maybe

they just had never really thought about it, and they've got heaps of credit card debt, and have never felt comfortable to say. Whatever the reason, if you say, "Why do you do it that way?" not going to be super helpful. It's being really

curious. The tone matters, right? So, even though why is a question, it usually gets someone feeling defensive.

So, saying, "I've noticed you do this. Can you tell me a bit about what that's like for you? Or your thought process behind it? Or I've never actually asked you what what informs this, like what's behind that. Most couples have never had

this conversation. They've had the argument many times, many many many times, or they've avoided it just as many, but not the conversation underneath. And this goes to the relationship health. We don't just want to default to the person who earns more

and has the right to talk about how money's spent. You know, we want to bust some of these myths. And the person who earns more isn't automatically the guru or the the owner of how we spend money as a family, especially when children

are involved. These things are collaborative and you want to be having these conversations very early on and at different stages throughout the relationship. And there's another layer here that we need to talk about as well, and that's around money

and power. And underneath some of those questions that I got you thinking about before, there's something about identity and who gets to have a say, who gets to make the decisions, who gets to call the shots, who has to follow along, who

relinquishes control, and who feels like they're on top of it. There's so much there about power and identity and influence that is worth exploring. For a lot of people, earning money is tied to who they are, the provider identity.

That provider identity comes from our culture. It's how it's modeled, what culture says about it, what people say about it, and that really shapes somebody's self-esteem and identity when that is threatened through job loss, reduced hours, if a partner earns more.

And so that disruption then becomes about identity, not just about income. And I see this play out in a in some really unhealthy ways and some really beautiful ways when people can actually have the vulnerable conversation underneath. If one person starts earning

more and if there's a real gendered expectation in the relationship and the female partner's earning more and the male partner feels threatened by this, that can cause a lot of conflict because it's not just about saying, "Well, we

can we can afford that. I can just cover it." For them, that I can just cover it might feel like you're saying you're inadequate, or you're not keeping up with me, or you're not as ambitious. And so, when we start looking at identity

and what money means, that is really significant. And it's also significant for people who reduce their hours to look after children or aged parents or for other things. How we place value on that and what worth we put on that and

ideas around productivity and economics and all of these things can really show up. And so, it's more than just the budget. It becomes about identity. And so, that's more than just maths. So, what actually changes things?

Spreadsheet? No. Budget? No. It's what you actually do with these conversations. It's doing the work. It's having these tough conversations, these awkward ones, and actually reflecting on your own assumptions and beliefs about money. The goal here isn't sacrifice.

It's not just to relinquish full control and just give in to the other person.

It's finding something that you can both agree to and collaborate on or compromise on. And that can only happen if you really understand what that's about. And this will come up time and time again at different stages throughout your life or even just

seasons through the year. How much you spend on an anniversary? Is it a gift?

Is it a experience? What you do for Christmas? What you do for a long weekend? Like, all of these things are tied into our ideas about money. So, before you can actually create the budget or the spreadsheet, each person

needs to feel understood and be understood. And you can't accept influence from someone. You can't accept influence when you don't feel that person has really understood you. And so, this takes time, and it's more than just saying, "Yeah, yeah, I get it." It's

actually telling your partner, "Oh, so what you're telling me is you're really scared about not having a financial safety net because when you were a kid and one of your parents lost their job, you had to uproot your entire life. And

so, having $20,000 in savings helps you feel like you can weather all these tough things. Is that what you're telling me that that money helps you feel secure and not worry that you're going to have to uproot your whole

life." So, it's actually in telling them what you've understood, not just saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it." They need to hear that you've understood it. And so, I want to leave you with a last thought, curiosity before

problem-solving every single time. Be curious. Shared financial goals build something that a budget doesn't necessarily do. When you know what you're working towards together, money becomes a conversation about your life rather than a fight about numbers and dollars and cents. And so, when you work

together on these things, it creates a kind of intimacy that managing things separately doesn't achieve, that doesn't do. So, if you are struggling to have this conversation with your partner, maybe share this episode with them or start with some of those prompt

questions and provide some context. I heard this episode, I watched this video, and there were some things in it that I realized I didn't know about myself. Can we have a conversation?

Money is not just about finances, it's not just about budgets and spreadsheets, it's always about something deeper. If this was useful, share it with somebody who might also find it useful or subscribe to my channel. And if you have

a question that you want me to answer, I'd love to hear from you. You can find out more information in the description.