Why Some People Always Control The Conversation

Learn frame control, a three-step method for gaining conversational power and influence, illustrated with clips from Lucifer and Suits.

Key Takeaways

Frame control is the ability to shape how a conversation is interpreted, and it is a learnable skill.
The person who dictates the frame generally holds the power in an interaction.
Effective frame control is subtle; constantly trying to dominate conversations reads as insecure and unlikable.
A structured three-step process (recognize, choose, respond) helps in applying frame control in real situations.

What the video covers

Frame control means shaping the perspective (the 'glasses') through which a conversation is interpreted, which gives the person who sets it influence over the conversation.
The speaker uses scenes from Lucifer and Suits to show how different characters present competing frames and how one frame wins or gets shifted.
A conversational frame is the context or perspective through which a conversation is understood, including beliefs, assumptions, and situational context.
The one holding the most power in an interaction tends to dictate the frame, though the speaker notes exceptions and says deliberately losing a frame can be a useful tool.
The three-step process is: recognize the frame, choose whether to buy into it or reject it and push your own, and craft a response to the frame.
Examples of frame-shifting techniques include expanding and exploding a frame, reframing an insult, and purposefully misunderstanding someone.
The speaker argues that frame control is essential for ambitious people and those wanting charisma, while warning against trying to dominate every conversation, which appears insecure.
Several techniques are teased for separate videos, and the speaker encourages viewers to practice identifying frames in media clips.

Chapters

What is the three-step process for frame control?

The video describes three steps: first, recognize what the frame is; second, choose whether to accept the frame or reject it and push your own; third, craft a response to the frame. Each step is illustrated with clips and examples.

Why does the speaker say you should not always try to control the frame?

The speaker warns that trying to dominate every conversation screams insecurity and makes a person unlikable, which is the opposite of charisma. Sometimes deliberately losing a frame is a useful tool.

How does the speaker use the Lucifer and Suits clips?

The clips are used as examples of frame control in action. In Lucifer, the characters interpret the same situation as a date versus a work matter. In Suits, characters compete over frames like 'babysitter' versus 'bazooka' to show how frames can be won or shifted.

Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

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Learn and master the art of frame control and you will attain the heights of ethical conversational power and influence in your life. There is a simple three-step process that I'll walk you through in this video. And if you properly learn this, you will

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never come over as a loser in your life. You'll have perfect responses instantly at your disposal in every single situation in your life. And not only that, in this video, I'll also explain why frame control is a crucial skill for

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any ambitious person to learn. You will also learn how to control the conversational frame. Not only that, but I'll also tell you about my own real life examples and media examples to clarify the points to bring it better

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home for you. But before you actually take charge of a conversational frame and become a master of frame control, you need to understand what a frame actually is. So what is it?

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Imagine a frame as a pair of glasses that you and others wear during a conversation. These glasses shape how you see and interpret everything said and done. This frame includes your beliefs, assumptions, and the context of the conversation. So controlling the

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frame is like being the one who gets to choose or adjust the glasses everybody there is wearing. It means you have the power to influence how the conversation is understood. It's like being the director of a movie and deciding how the

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audience sees and interprets each scene. Let's make this more simple to understand by showing you this scene from the series Lucifer, which I haven't watched, by the way. But look at this frame control.

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Her name's Lindsay Jolson. She's been missing almost three full days. All right. So, just ask me one more time.

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Lucifer, there's a girl missing. Yes. Guess it's not every day someone kicks you out of your house, then 3 hours later asks you on a date.

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It's not a date. It's a work thing. See, they are both wearing different glasses. He sees it as a date.

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Guess it's not every day someone kicks you out of your house, then 3 hours later asks you on a date.

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And she It's not a date, it's a work thing. Sees it as a work thing. Same situation.

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They glasses or wore glasses. Well, there is no you and I. There's a professional situation. And I just need you.

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You need me. The department needs you cuz you're the one. I'm the one. As you see, he interprets everything through his own glasses, waiting for the moment. And then, ah, this is where we are. Guess it's not every day someone

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kicks you out of your house, then 3 hours later ask you on a date. You need me? Number one.

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That is frame control, guys. Mastering frame control starts with my three-step simple process. The first one is recognizing what the frame is. The concept of frame control is of absolute crucial importance if you're an ambitious person or a person who wants

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to exude charisma. I'll explain why in a second. First, let's cover a couple of more clips so you get some practice with this very first step and understand the power of frame control.

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Your job isn't to worry about what I told Harvey. Your job is to worry about what I'm telling you.

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And what I'm telling you is that I'm not walking into an SEC negotiation with a babysitter. What is the conversational frame? The underlying frame that he puts forward there. He is not happy bringing her with him. Why is that? She is the

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one who's the managing partner just for the sake of her being there in the negotiation with the SEC.

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He will come over as somebody who was just there the the number two so to speak and he wants to be in a position of power there. He wants to be in a position of authority and that's why he

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calls her a babysitter in that frame. Now, Jessica Pearson obviously knows how to deal with this. And if you want to become a master of frame control, you need to know where the other person is coming from. Look what she does.

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Is that I'm not walking into an SEC negotiation with a babysitter. Negotiation. This is going to be a war.

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Here's what I want you to visualize. See it as two lines. And each line represents the frame they put forward.

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This is his frame. Is that I'm not walking into an SEC negotiation with a babysitter.

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And this is her frame. Negotiation. This is going to be a war. Remember this one, guys. It's of crucial importance. The one who holds the most power in an interaction is the one who dictates the frame. There are exceptions

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to this as I've covered before and I will cover it in future videos. Don't be the guy trying to dominate each conversation. That screams insecurity and you'll be very, very unlikable.

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That's the opposite of a charismatic person. In fact, sometimes you want to deliberately lose a frame. It is a tool that can be used for a plethora of pleasurable paths which will be elaborated on in another video. Coming

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back to our scene, whose frame will win? Is it his or is it hers?

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Is that I'm not walking into an SEC negotiation with a babysitter? Negotiation. This is going to be a war.

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Let's play it again. Negotiation. This is going to be a war. I know that and I'm going to win it with one shot.

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They get on her line when he says, "I know that." He's the one who adjusted to her frame. I know that and I'm going to win it with one shot.

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So, in that little mini interaction, she won that little frame. But I suggest you warm up to this.

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You're not walking into the SEC [music] with a babysitter. You're walking in there with a bazooka.

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There, she also shifts his initial babysitting frame is that I'm not walking into an SEC negotiation with a babysitter.

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You're not walking into the SEC [music] with a babysitter. You're walking in there with a bazooka.

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And literally frames herself as a weapon. You're walking in there with a bazooka. a bazooka in this case. That is frame control, guys. She controlled the glasses they were both wearing, and now he's wearing the same glasses as she is.

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She does this often, and this adds to her dominance. We've also seen this form of shifting the frame in this 10-second clip. If you haven't seen it, use it as a practice and try to figure out what the frame here is.

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You really should try one of those standing desks. It's better on the back for a woman of your age. the frame or see it as the glasses he is wearing is as following. You are an old woman. Now

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let's watch your response to this. It's better on the back for a woman of your age.

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This is a standing desk for a man of your height. Wonderful response. Now what was the frame she put forward?

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This is a standing desk for a man of your height. You are a short guy. Again, same situation, different lenses that it can be seen through. By the way, both of them are masters of frame control. and the continuation on that. It's wonderful

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to watch. I hope you're getting the hang of this. And let's look at the last clip so you really get some practice with the first crucial step. What is the frame here?

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Baby Harvey. That's a huge compliment. He's a copy of Harvey. Harvey is a guy who's well respected and she has history with Harvey. The frame dynamic is therefore I am above you. Let's play it again.

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Baby Harvey. That's a huge compliment. He's taking it as a compliment. He's honored to be that way. Meaning Harvey, right? I'm okay with that. However, let's play what he says afterwards.

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Call it like I see it. I meant for him. Bang. The frame got shifted.

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Baby Harvey. That's a huge compliment. Call it like I see it. I meant for him.

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They're wearing different glasses now. Again, guys, that is frame control. Simple yet profound. So, in case the point is not driven home to you yet, the conversational frame refers to the context or perspective through which a conversation is interpreted. Controlling

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the frame means influencing how the conversation is perceived by strategically shaping this context. Before I tell you how you can control a frame, you need to know why frame control is a crucial skill for any ambitious person to learn. I want you to

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master this guys. One of the reasons why you need to master this skill is so you don't get dominated by other people unless you actually let them for tactical advantage. But forget about that for now. Second, you will be

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negotiating a lot in the future as an ambitious person. You need to know how to frame your proposals. Third, conflict resolution. If your friends, employees, or clients have conflict, you'll be able to shift the frame so it turns into

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solutions that's for the betterment of everyone around you. And a bonus reason, if you master this, you'll become a very fun person to hang around with. Frame control can be used for lively banter, playful communication, and also fun-filled communication. That brings us

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to the question you've been wondering about this entire video. How can you control the frame yourself? When I was younger, I used to go to this gym, and I knew the people there. It was very fun and easy. I used to come there at the

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exact same time for a prolonged period of time. It was a little early in the days. However, due to some projects that came up one day, I came a little later and the moment I walked in there, the

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bar there was packed. So, this woman told me, "Jayon, what are you doing here? Isn't it past your bad time?" Now, this is where frame control comes in, guys. If I didn't know anything to say, I'd be there. Yes, funny, but I just

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actually want a gym. Now, that would make me come over as very weak, insecure, and unconfident all at the same time. And what do you think all those people there would think of me?

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What did I answer? Looked her in the eye and I told her. Now before I actually tell you what I told her, what's the frame here? She puts some kind of frame forward as, "Hey, you're just a little

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boy. You're a young man." And actually, I was a young man, but let's put that to the side. You're a young man. How can you take charge of this frame? Just think about that for a second.

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No, hopefully you got enough time. If not, just pause the video. This is what I answered to when she said, "Jion, isn't it already past your bedtime?" Turn the eye and I'm noticing all the other eyes are looking at me. Told her,

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"But mommy, you didn't give me a good night kiss. That's what I'm here for.

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You do not want to know." People who weren't even looking and heard that started bursting out in laughter. Then I added something else. And hey mommy, you know I can't sleep without having my mommy's milk first, right? The whole

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tent just got lighted up. That is frame control, guys. I was young and back then my ego got boosted up because of this interaction. See, it isn't about showing that you're dominant or superior with someone. It can also be used in a

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situation like this to enlighten the mood everywhere. You're playing along with somebody. What I just did there was buy into the frame that she presented.

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I'm a young boy. Really? All right, let's stretch this all the way forward. I'm so young that I need a kiss. I'm so young that I need my mommy's milk. Do you see how that works, guys? It's all

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about exaggerating the frame to the point that it becomes ridiculous. I accepted the frame of you are a kid and then took charge of it. It is a very powerful technique you will learn to master in other videos, but in its

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essence, there are three simple steps to take charge of a frame. Step one, learn to see the frame that's being pushed.

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Step two, choose which route you want to go. Meaning, are you buying into the frame or are you rejecting it and pushing your own frame forward? Step three, craft a response to the frame.

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And crucially important, guys, deliver it with an authorative voice. Although, there is an exception for that, which I'll cover in a future video. See, we've covered step one. You've practiced reading the frame, as we've covered the clips before. This is where step two

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comes in. Decide which route you want to go. [music] For example, if it wasn't her, somebody that I knew, but somebody who wanted to maliciously put me down in a situation, I wouldn't give them the same response.

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Even though I could, I would take the other route, a more confrontational route. So, you have to know which route you want to take. And what I want you to know, this three-step process is now is bare bones for you. I

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don't want to overload you with information, giving you each single technique and little detail. I will build forward on this in future videos as we move along. But for now, you have to learn these steps out of the top of

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your head. Once you've decided that, we move on to step three. And this is where you need a couple of techniques and practice them often enough to make this second nature to you. There are levels to this. So, let me show you two very

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clean media example of how expanding and exploding the frame is done in suits. Come here to personally deliver my files.

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I came here to personally deliver this. Well, it was an invitation to your birthday party. I think I'm busy that day. As you just saw, Sean Cahill already puts himself in a moral high ground. I'm [snorts] not going to come

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to your birthday party. Like, even if you invite me, I'm not there because I don't like you. It's just the emotional undertone there, right? I'm here. You're there. However, look what Harvey does.

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Come here to personally deliver my files. I came here to personally deliver this. What was an invitation to your birthday party? I think I'm busy that day.

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That's too bad. I promised the children a clown. Bang. That's too bad. I promised the children a clown.

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As you saw, Harvey bought into that frame. Okay, you think I'm going to invite you for a party? You know what?

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Let's go with that. Then he expanded and exploding that frame by adding an insult to it. He can't argue the initial frame because he is the one who put it forward. Then Harvey just expanded and exploded it by saying this.

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That's too bad. I promised the children a clown. Later in that scene, we can see the same technique being used with two other techniques in one. Let's play it. You got Judge Hopkins to let you start depositions on your malicious

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prosecution He didn't think it was which is why he's letting me start with your boyfriend, Eric Woodall.

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You trying to take my eye off the ball, Harvey? He is calling Harvey's move a distraction. Almost a sight thing. As if it is nothing.

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You trying to take my eye off the ball, Harvey? This is the ball, Sean. It's a wrecking ball and it's headed your way. [music] Then Harvey not only mirrors his words, but expands on the metaphor and telling him, "This is the real deal. This should

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get all of your focus because this will crush you. This is the ball, Sean. It's a wrecking [music] ball and it's headed your way." So, that was the first technique, buying into the frame, then owning it by exploding it. It is what I refer to as

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my golden ticket because it can be used for virtually any situation, ranging from romantic situations to hostile confrontations. A separate video will be made for this one as well, just as all the other techniques that are about to

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be briefly covered. Here's a great example of frame control for my personal life. And guys, I'm embarrassed to share this with you, but here you have it.

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14-year-old Cheyion. We got a new guy in class and one of the girls who I was very close with told me, "Shyion, he's a bit shy and timid and he walks a little weird. Why don't you show him how to

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walk more confidently?" And guys, like I said before, this is not the high status walk that I showed you in that video.

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This was completely and utterly childish. However, I went ahead and did it anyway. Showed him around, showed him exactly how to move. And back in the days, we were those, you know, we're into gangster rap and we were wearing the

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pants very, very low. Again, ridiculous looking back at it. However, here's the most important part. After I showed him and I came up, I felt like the man and girl was there and she came up to me and

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said, "Shy, very wonderful thing you did." However, this is where she dropped the bomb.

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Guys, this crushed me. My ego really took a hit that day. I'm a young guy back then. You're in your puberty. you are very very very on vigilant on how you're being perceived, how you're moving through the world. You're highly emotional.

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Came up to me said, "Shyan, you're kind of a short guy." Bang. That hit me so deeply. However, I was prepared for the situation and I had this phenomenal response right off the bat. I didn't let any moment pass. So, I came closer to

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her and I told her, "I've got my link somewhere else." might think nice. At least that's what I thought. It was a great response. However, she didn't let me celebrate it for too long because her response after that, that was soul

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crushing. So, let's play that again. She was like, "You're kind of a short guy. I got my length somewhere else." She came up and then she said, "Yeah, in your nose." Oh, wonderful response. You got to love that

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verbal wit, guys. This was just bang, bang, bang. It was like a boxing match.

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She hits, I hit back, and then she just gave a knockout punch. Bang. Now, the question is, how can you recover from something like this? How can I turn this frame around and climb out from the deep, dark depths of the grave she put

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me in there? I'll explain that later in the video. A second way to take charge of the frame is what we've already seen before. So, let me provide you a clip and see if you can deduct it yourself

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before I reveal the answer. YOU'RE IT. I GOT IT. [cheering] Your grace. I have the honor to bring you Lady Catalyn Stark. Sent as an envoy by her son, Rob, Lord of Winterfell.

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If Rob Stark wants to pack with us, he should come himself, not hide behind his mother's skirts.

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The frame this guy introduced was her son, Rob Stark, is afraid, and that's why he didn't come. She introduced her own frame.

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My son is fighting a war, not playing at one. He's not play fighting like you did moments before, but he is actually fighting a real war.

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If Rob Stark wants a pact with us, he should come himself, not hide behind his mother's skirts.

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My son is fighting a war, not playing at one. And that, my friend, was different than the first technique, which was buying into the frame.

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It was an invitation to your birthday party. I think I'm busy that day. That's too bad. I promised the children a clown.

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This is what we call a frame shift. Introducing a completely different frame. My son is fighting a war, not playing at one.

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There are many other different techniques you can use to take charge of the frame. Coming to my personal example, when I got called short, I responded something along the lines of, "I've got my length somewhere else." Then she responded, "Yeah, in your

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nose." Here's where you can apply what I tell you next to always come out in good shape. Ah, finally, a banter girl. I like it. You're very smart. If it's not a girl, you can say, "Ah, finally someone who is great at banter. I like

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it." Very smart. This is such a powerful technique because first of all, you're showing you're not getting flustered.

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Second of all, even if you want to call it getting a loss, it's not actually a loss if it doesn't affect you. And more importantly, you are introducing a positive frame for her and then cutting the conversation thread short with an

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uplifting emotion. Another one that I've used quite often because of watching a clip in suits is this one. Look at that.

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Somebody took their confidence pill this morning. It works every [music] single time. You're shifting the frame in a very positive and uplifting manner. And that will be covered in a video called How to Never Lose a Frame Battle. Let me

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show you two more of those techniques. Each of them will get their own video and I will cover them in depth in my verbal dominance cohort. More information on that will follow in the next videos.

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[music] First, learn to use the state breaking question. Do not accept their frame. Just interject a random frame in the form of a question.

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I understand you know a man called Jimmy McCavvern. May I take a cigarette? Hopefully, you got it on your own. If not, don't fret it. It will be covered in its own video. Second, purposefully misunderstand someone. Guys, this is a

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great one. You can have a lot of fun with this one. This technique will be elaborated on in the next video in the verbal dominance series. So, if you don't want to miss that, you know what to do. What I want you to know is that

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this entire video that you just watched is completely useless if you don't learn how to deliver your response. Even if you do have the steps in check, you've practiced them and practiced them up to the point that you can instantly come up

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with the responses. If you do not know how to maintain a high status, body language, and vocal tonality, you're completely missing the point. It won't hit hard. You'll look like a tryhard.

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So, here's what I want you to do. In this video, you'll see three high status body language gestures that you can adopt immediately in your [music] life.

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And in this video, you can watch how you can master your vocal tonality. And in this video, which will be uploaded soon, I dive into that technique, the deliberately misunderstanding frame control technique. Friends, and here's the most important part of everything.

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Keep striving for excellence.

Topics:frame controlconversational powerinfluencecommunication skillscharismapersuasionconversation dynamicsself improvement

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