Speaker A
I wanna start with the spark, because you heard Misha and I talking earlier about her spark.
Michelle Obama and Logan Ury discuss the 'spark' in dating, arguing it can grow over time, that strong early chemistry isn't always a good sign, and that secure partners are often undervalued.
Key Takeaways
- A lack of initial spark doesn't mean incompatibility; attraction can build with familiarity.
- Intense early chemistry is not a reliable indicator of a good long-term match.
- Anxiety and butterflies can be mistaken for love or connection.
- Emotional security and consistency are important traits in lasting relationships, even if they feel less exciting at first.
What the video covers
- The conversation opens by questioning whether a spark is necessary for a meaningful relationship or whether a slow burn can grow into real attraction.
- Logan Ury notes that many people reject good potential partners simply because they didn't feel instant fireworks.
- Myth one: instant chemistry is required for love; research cited says only about 11% of people fall in love at first sight.
- The mere exposure effect explains why familiarity can grow into liking, as with songs heard repeatedly or partners met through proximity.
- Myth two: feeling a spark is always a good thing; intense sparkiness can come from someone who gives that feeling to many people.
- Butterflies can be mistaken for connection when they actually signal anxiety, especially in hot-and-cold dynamics.
- Myth three: the chase and uncertainty signal love; people often confuse the excitement of being pursued or unsure with genuine compatibility.
- Secure, consistent partners can feel boring to someone used to being pulled away from, yet they often make the best long-term partners.
- Personal anecdotes from both speakers illustrate slow-burn relationships that started as friendship or where early interest was overlooked.
- The discussion closes with a lighthearted note about how the speakers met their husbands.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction: Do We Need the Spark?
- 01:23Myth One: Instant Chemistry and the Mere Exposure Effect
- 02:03Why People Get Locked Into the Spark
- 02:32Myth Two: Sparky Doesn't Mean Good
- 03:35Butterflies vs. Alarm Bells of Anxiety
- 04:34Myth Three: The Chase and Hard-to-Get Dynamic
- 05:29Why Secure Partners Can Feel Boring
- 07:01Personal Stories: Slow Burn Relationships
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
And first of all, do we need the spark to have a meaningful relationship, or should we have the slow burn and work your way up to a fire?
Speaker A
And first of all, do we need the spark to have a meaningful relationship, or should we have the slow burn and work our way up to a fire?
Speaker A
Well, I am definitely a slow burn person, and I feel like I'm also in a slow burn marriage, so. So through the work that I do, I would often hear from people, okay, I went on a date with this guy. He was great. We had
Speaker A
Um, and I think I know the answer, but I wanna hear it from the expert.
Speaker A
I was like, all these people are saying no to great potential partners because they don't feel instant fireworks, instant chemistry. And so there's three main myths that I wanna tell Lily and everyone else about the spark. So the first my that if this is
Speaker A
Well, I am definitely a slow burn person, and I feel like I'm also in a slow burn marriage, so. So through the work that I do, I would often hear from people, okay, I went on a date with this guy. He was great. We had tons to talk about. I'm not gonna see him again. I'd be like, what? That doesn't make sense. And the guy would say, oh, I just didn't feel the spark. And so this spark concept kind of became my nemesis, where I was like, all these people are saying no to great potential partners because they don't feel instant fireworks, instant chemistry.
Speaker A
means is, the more you're around something, the more it becomes familiar. And the more familiar it is, the more you really grow to like it.
Speaker A
And so there's three main myths that I wanna tell Lily and everyone else about the spark. So the first myth is that if this is your person, you're gonna feel instant chemistry. And that's just not true. There's research showing that only 11% of people found love at first sight. And so for many people, it grows over time. And there's this concept in psychology called the mere exposure effect. What it means is, the more you're around something, the more it becomes familiar. And the more familiar it is, the more you really grow to like it.
Speaker A
lit up when we played Scrabble together. Seeing them at that concert, like, they're just so full of life. And so the spark can definitely grow over time.
Speaker A
So it's why you might like a song after hearing it a few times, or why people end up dating someone in their freshman hallway. And so oftentimes, whether it's somebody at work or in your friend group, as you get to know them more, you see, wow, they really lit up when we played Scrabble together. Seeing them at that concert, like, they're just so full of life. And so the spark can definitely grow over time.
Speaker A
Um, I think it's that sometimes we do feel the spark, and so it's real. Not that the spark is fake, but I think that we misunderstand it. So the second myth of the spark is that if you feel it,
Speaker A
So why do people get so, um, locked into the spark? Is that something we heard?
Speaker A
You meet someone and they're very sparky, and you think, oh, we have a connection. Our dynamic is amazing. And then your friends are like, hmm, huh? I also felt A spark with that person.
Speaker A
Um, I think it's that sometimes we do feel the spark, and so it's real. Not that the spark is fake, but I think that we misunderstand it. So the second myth of the spark is that if you feel it, it's a good thing. And so this is a very common thing that's happened to me, happened to a lot of other people.
Speaker A
And I don't sparky with everybody. I don't know your partner, but I think someone at this table is married to a person who's very sparky.
Speaker A
It's. You meet someone and they're very sparky, and you think, oh, we have a connection. Our dynamic is amazing. And then your friends are like, hmm, huh? I also felt a spark with that person.
Speaker A
You know, I don't think, I think like a lot of people, I didn't pay attention. Right. I mean you, you, you see this, you feel the spark. You think, right, uh, that's it's all about me. Right, right. He's sparking because I'm
Speaker A
So they just. The spark plug, they're very spark. It's not about you, girl. Right.
Speaker A
You know, uh, I also wanted to make sure I married an honest person that in their own right wasn't a cheater.
Speaker A
And I don't spark with everybody. I don't know your partner, but I think someone at this table is married to a person who's very sparky.
Speaker A
That'S exactly part of us. And it's like, nah, you're not gonna turn somebody into something that they aren't. But I think we like to think that love is about, I have this power absolutely to make him or her just believe in me. And we're attracted
Speaker A
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Uh huh. You know, and I'm wondering, did you ever have that experience in early dating where you were like, oh, he's sparking with other people too?
Speaker A
people. And in fact, oftentimes we're feeling these butterflies, but what they actually are are alarm bells of anxiety.
Speaker A
You know, I don't think, I think like a lot of people, I didn't pay attention. Right. I mean you, you, you see this, you feel the spark. You think, right, uh, that's it's all about me. Right, right. He's sparking because I'm so fabulous. It's the story we do want to tell ourselves. I've brought out the spark. You think you're gonna turn a cheater into an honest person.
Speaker A
Sometimes he likes me, sometimes he doesn't. And sort of the hot and cold not knowing can feel very exciting. And I definitely have memories before I was with my now husband where like I would get so obsessed with people because of
Speaker A
You know, uh, I also wanted to make sure I married an honest person that in their own right wasn't a cheater.
Speaker A
secure. But if your whole life you Were used to people who pull away and you're used to the ch. That can feel boring.
Speaker A
Right, right. Because a lot of women think I'm gonna make you love me so. Or I shouldn't say women, but people go after the hard-to-get person.
Speaker A
Butterflies. That's not love. That's crazy. It's true. And so if you're always used to somebody pulling away, when somebody just presents themselves as secure, you're not used to it and you think that it's boring. But those truly make some of the best long term
Speaker A
That's exactly part of us. And it's like, nah, you're not gonna turn somebody into something that they aren't. But I think we like to think that love is about, I have this power absolutely to make him or her just believe in me. And we're attracted in to that story that we tell ourselves about ourselves. Right. And so the spark is real and I've definitely felt it with a number of people and it feels great. But what we need to remember is that some people are just very sparky and they give that to many people. And in fact, oftentimes we're feeling these butterflies, but what they actually are are alarm bells of anxiety.
Speaker A
Yes, that's what I would say. My brother lives in a cave. I mean, no, I'm a one. I've been married for a while.
Speaker A
So this anxiety is going off in your, listen, in your head, in your stomach, basically being, uh, like, does he like...
Speaker A
instead, I'm a huge fan of the slow burn. And the slow burn is somebody. They may not be initially the most charismatic person, but as you spend time with them, you like them more and more over time.
Speaker A
Sometimes he likes me, sometimes he doesn't. And sort of the hot and cold, not knowing, can feel very exciting. And I definitely have memories before I was with my now husband where, like, I would get so obsessed with people because of that feeling of, do they like me or not? And then we think that that's so exciting. And then when we find someone who's more secure, who really, you know, as you said about Mr. Obama said, you're cute, you're funny, I like you, let's go out. That is very secure. But if your whole life you were used to people who pull away and you're used to the ch... That can feel boring.
Speaker A
Wait, you met him in the, uh, yes, we did. You met your husband in the wild?
Speaker A
Oh, we need to wait, wait. We just need to let that point rest so that, uh, our listeners and our YouTube people, because that's y'all out there, you know, uh, that it's all this internal dysfunction going on.
Speaker A
But then when I met him in real life, he wasn't like that at all. Those are just the only photos he had. Cause, like, sometimes guys don't take that many photos of themselves. And so we met at this lunch and. And then I was like,
Speaker A
Butterflies. That's not love. That's crazy. It's true. And so if you're always used to somebody pulling away, when somebody just presents themselves as secure, you're not used to it and you think that it's boring. But those truly make some of the best long-term partners. So, Logan, let's back up a bit. So when is that why Lily, or people like Lily, are attracted to the wrong person? Maybe because they're misinterpreting these butterflies like we all have? Because this is the first time I'm hearing this kind of analysis.
Speaker A
And so over a year, as I was chasing some other guy, we got closer and closer. And then at the end of a year. I was like, wait, he has all the characteristics I'm looking for, not this other
Speaker A
Yes, that's what I would say. My brother lives in a cave. I mean, no, I'm a one. I've been married for a while.
Speaker A
Well, how much too, in this generation? Because, you know, with, uh, technology and the use of phones, people are used to that instant hit. They're so used to getting immediate rewards for little investment. Um, and so, you know, that I think that's a cautionary tale to young
Speaker A
No, that's great. Yeah. So, you know, so what I heard in the letter is that Lily meets these sparky, outgoing, life-of-the-party guys, and then it fizzles. And so it's like you start really hot and heavy, and then over time it fades. And instead, I'm a huge fan of the slow burn. And the slow burn is somebody. They may not be initially the most charismatic person, but as you spend time with them, you like them more and more over time.
Speaker A
you're trying to find someone stable that you can count on. But I, you know, what is the research? That's a research point.
Speaker A
And so sort of similar to your story, my husband and I met at a lunch, and I definitely felt connected to him and interested in him, but really more saw him as a friend.
Speaker A
Like, I don't have to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie. I can just get it immediately on Netflix or any other program. Or if I want food delivered, I just open Door Dash or Uber Eats, and it comes immediately. So you're right. There is a sense
Speaker A
Wait, you met him in the, uh, yes, we did. You met your husband in the wild?
Speaker A
practicing over time. And the same thing is true with dating. I think dating is a skill, and you have to invest in it. And also, people take time to open up. So I feel so lucky. I've been with my husband for
Speaker A
That's true. It can still happen. That's great. And in fact, I saw him on a dating app and I said no, because he had these photos of him with the backwards hat. And I was just like, oh, that bro. He's not for me.
Speaker A
And I think if I had only gone after the people that were so immediately sparky in life of the party, I really would have missed out. And so the third myth of the spark is that if you start with the spark, it's definitely
Speaker A
But then when I met him in real life, he wasn't like that at all. Those were just the only photos he had. Because, like, sometimes guys don't take that many photos of themselves. And so we met at this lunch, and then I was like, oh, I'm trying to learn this statistical programming language. And he's like, I just dropped out of a math PhD. I can teach you.
Speaker A
Right. You're with the wrong person because you met the quote unquote right way. And I. Oh, say explain that.
Speaker A
And so over a year, as I was chasing some other guy, we got closer and closer. And then at the end of a year, I was like, wait, he has all the characteristics I'm looking for, not this other guy that gives me butterflies, but actually makes me feel really insecure. And so I was kind of like, hey, I don't have plans this weekend. And that was the beginning.
Speaker A
want that rom com story, but, uh, if you're together for 50 years, the day that you met is 0.55% of your total relationship.
Speaker A
Well, how much too, in this generation? Because, you know, with, uh, technology and the use of phones, people are used to that instant hit. They're so used to getting immediate rewards for little investment. Um, and so, you know, I think that's a cautionary tale to young people, to kind of be mindful that if you're being trained because of your reliance on technology and social media, to have that instant feeling of being acknowledged, to get that every time, that's the opposite of what you're looking for when you're trying to find your person, when you're trying to find someone stable that you can count on. But I, you know, what is the research? That's a research point.
Topics:dating advicethe sparkslow burnmere exposure effectchemistryattachment and anxietyLogan UryMichelle Obamarelationshipscompatibility
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