Speaker A
in your 40 years of mediating conflicts between warring factions around the world, what's the most important thing that you do that creates peace between the people involved?
Marshall Rosenberg explains Nonviolent Communication: listening to needs and feelings, not labels, to defuse conflict, drawing on his mediation work in refugee camps and conflict zones.
Key Takeaways
- Connecting with the feelings and needs behind hostile words de-escalates conflict more effectively than arguing back.
- Protective force can be necessary to stop violence, but punishment and violence are not justified.
- Dialogue works best when each party feels genuinely heard before they are asked to listen.
- Nonviolent approaches to conflict can be learned and taught, as shown by schools in conflict regions.
What the video covers
- Rosenberg describes his 40 years mediating conflicts between warring factions worldwide.
- His core method is listening for the feelings and unmet needs behind a person's words rather than reacting to insults or labels.
- In a Palestinian refugee camp, a man who called him a murderer later invited him to dinner after he connected with the man's feelings and needs.
- Rosenberg distinguishes verbal name-calling from violent attack, and notes that a person must feel sincerely heard before they can listen in return.
- He argues for 'no to violence or aggression, yes to the protective use of force', meaning force used to stop harm without punishment.
- He cites Gene Sharp's writing on nonviolent resistance showing communities defending themselves against armies without violence.
- He describes an incident in Paris where he restrained a man attacking a woman, using force to stop harm without punishing him.
- He says talks with terrorists and governments that harbor them have failed, and that peace talks need a different approach.
- He reports that a Nonviolent Communication school operates in a refugee camp he visits and that he works in about 35 countries.
- He concludes that humans naturally want to contribute to one another's well-being, and that a shift in consciousness is spreading.
Chapters
- 00:00Opening question on creating peace
- 01:18Refugee camp story and connecting with feelings
- 02:58Listening to needs behind the insult
- 05:14Responding to the 'murderer' accusation
- 06:46Protective force versus violence
- 08:52Peace talks and dialogue approaches
- 10:46Nonviolence schools and the Paris incident
- 12:41Consciousness shift and closing thoughts
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
by people who hear what I'm saying if I think I see you've read my book you probably can recall I was in a refugee camp and uh Palestinian Authority and with all the crowd had to do was hear
Speaker A
First, I never hear what they think. See, I get called a lot of names by people who hear what I'm saying.
Speaker A
Ramadan dinner at his house I didn't hear what he thought of me I connected to what he was feeling what he was needing as I walked into that refugee camp there were hundreds of tear gas grenades all over the lawn shot in the
Speaker A
If I think I see you've read my book, you probably can recall I was in a refugee camp in the Palestinian Authority, and with all the crowd, all I had to do was hear from my interpreter that I was an American, and a gentleman jumps up and screams at me, "Murderer!" And another one jumps up, "Assassin!" And another one calls, "Child killer!"
Speaker A
feeling and I said sir are you Furious and then I tried to hear his needs are you needing a different kind of support from my country than you're getting and he looks at me in a kind of a stunned
Speaker A
Within an hour, the guy that called me a murderer invites me to a Ramadan dinner at his house.
Speaker A
it clear why you'd be so aggravated if you don't have these Basics and you get these weapons sent over here I can see that you your needs are for some other kind of support he said do you know what
Speaker A
I didn't hear what he thought of me. I connected to what he was feeling and what he was needing.
Speaker A
guy not what he thought I was a murder I didn't say I ain't killed anybody I tried to hear what was going on in him and when he trusted that I sincerely cared what he was feeling what he was
Speaker A
As I walked into that refugee camp, there were hundreds of tear gas grenades all over the lawn, shot in the night before when they had a riot there. And on the side of each of the grenades was written, "Made in USA."
Speaker A
an American you ain't going to listen to me he said what do you want to say to us so he he could hear me then and we incidentally we have a school there now one of the schools that
Speaker A
So when this guy called me a murderer, hearing that I'm an American, I tried to hear what the guy was feeling. I said, "Sir, are you furious?" Then I tried to hear his needs: "Are you needing a different kind of support from my country than you're getting?"
Speaker A
me being called a name is not the same as being violently attacked by terrorists do you feel that there is ever justification in using violence or aggression when responding to such an attack here I would say no to violence
Speaker A
He looked at me in a kind of stunned way. Apparently that's not the way people usually respond to him when he screams at them. He said, "You're damn right we don't have sewage. We don't have housing. Why are you sending these weapons?"
Speaker A
is not willing to communicate and meanwhile their actions are threatening our needs so we need to take whatever action can be made to protect against that happening but we can do that without violence Jean Sharp's writing show how throughout history people have
Speaker A
So I said, "Well, then that makes it clear why you'd be so aggravated, if you don't have these basics and you get these weapons sent over here. I can see that your needs are for some other kind of support."
Speaker A
me all of a sudden a man comes running up spins her around and hits her right in the face and he starts for her again well there wasn't time for me to talk with this man so I used Force to
Speaker A
He said, "Do you know what it's like to live under these conditions for all these years?" I said, "So you'd like me to understand just how desperate it can be, even for one day, let alone for many years?"
Speaker A
punishment to make people suffer because you have judged them as evil but just talking to terrorists and the governments who Harbor them doesn't seem to work either look at all the peace talks we've had and the violence just
Speaker A
So I heard what was alive in the guy, not what he thought I was. I didn't say, "I ain't killed anybody." I tried to hear what was going on in him. When he trusted that I sincerely cared what he was feeling and what he was needing, he could start to hear me.
Speaker A
we need to grow up and find out that there are far more powerful ways of having peace talks than the ones we now engage in how would you engage these people in peace talks pretty much as I told you I
Speaker A
Then when I said, "Look, I'm frustrated right now because I came a long way to be here. I want to offer something, and I'm worried that because you've got me labeled as an American, you ain't going to listen to me," he said, "What do you want to say to us?" So he could hear me then.
Speaker A
are not getting met and a mkar who is a mayor of a village he looked across at the Israelis and said and said in a nice tone does it bother you people to be acting like Nazis and then a woman jumps
Speaker A
Incidentally, we have a school there now, one of the schools that we call a Nonviolent Communication school, in that refugee camp. Whenever I go to that region, I am well received, hospitably, in that refugee camp. But I had to see the human being behind the names he was calling me. Being called a name is not the same as being violently attacked by terrorists.
Speaker A
hardly had two sentences and people are already worse off than we began so my role there was to help each connect at the need level so I said to the m and I knew what he was reacting to he was
Speaker A
Do you feel that there is ever justification in using violence or aggression when responding to such an attack?
Speaker A
that's what I'm trying to say well of course he didn't say it exactly that way and then I helped the woman to hear that and then it was a different connection than when she's hearing that she's a Nazi and uh so that's what I do in those
Speaker A
Here I would say no to violence or aggression, yes to the protective use of force. There are times when we need to use the protective use of force, but never violence and never punishment. The protective use of force is necessary when another person, for whatever reason, is not willing to communicate and meanwhile their actions are threatening our needs. So we need to take whatever action can be made to protect against that happening, but we can do that without violence.
Speaker A
the language that I am suggesting so I have to loan it to them when I do mediations at that level considering the amount of violence in the news what do you say to those who describe your ideas as naive or utopian I see a different
Speaker A
Gene Sharp's writing shows how, throughout history, people have defended against even armies, violent armies, coming at them through the protective use of force.
Speaker A
different world view they have a different Consciousness and these people are spreading their Consciousness rapidly so these people are what give me the hope that they're not hard to find in every country for example father Chris renr priest in Sri
Speaker A
I was walking down a street in Paris about four years ago, a busy street, and a woman was walking next to me. All of a sudden a man comes running up, spins her around, and hits her right in the face, and he starts for her again. Well, there wasn't time for me to talk with this man, so I used force to restrain him from doing that again. I didn't want to punish him. I didn't beat him, but I had sufficient force that I could keep him from continuing.
Speaker A
he's showing these kids now how to relate to each other in a different way so in many countries now I'm working in about 35 countries and I see that kind of person every day in my work so I see
Speaker A
So yes, at times you use force to prevent violence, but not in the form of punishment, to make people suffer because you have judged them as evil.
Speaker A
this trip and when the director of the refugee camp heard that she was a doctor he said would you come with me there's this child that's uh not very well and I followed her over and she was leaning
Speaker A
But just talking to terrorists and the governments who harbor them doesn't seem to work either. Look at all the peace talks we've had, and the violence just continues.
Speaker A
said well we lose why is this child starving he said we lose seven a day you see so I I've seen this I'm not naive I know what's going on I I work in Rwanda there people that have had
Speaker A
Well, the kind of peace talks we have, I'm not very optimistic that they can prevent violence. They're not the kind of connections that get people connected with each other's humanness. They're basically arguments, and they try to find some compromise. We need to grow up and find out that there are far more powerful ways of having peace talks than the ones we now engage in.
Speaker A
a Consciousness that that isn't what our nature is there's nothing we human beings like more than to contribute to one another's well-being [Music]
Topics:Nonviolent CommunicationMarshall Rosenbergconflict mediationpeacebuildingempathyrefugee campprotective forceGene Sharpnonviolenceactive listening
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