John Gottman: How to Build Trust

John Gottman explains that trust is built through small 'sliding door moments' of connection or turning away, using a personal example of choosing to attend to his wife's sadness.

Key Takeaways

Trust is built through many small moments of choosing to connect with a partner.
Consistently turning away from a partner erodes trust gradually.
Attunement, through awareness, empathy, and non-defensive responses, is central to maintaining connection.
Betrayal and distrust are related but not the same, and small turn-away choices can cascade into lasting relational damage.

What the video covers

Trust is built in very small everyday moments Gottman calls 'sliding door moments', named after the film Sliding Doors.
Every interaction offers a choice to connect with a partner or turn away from them.
Gottman illustrates this with a personal story: he wanted to finish a mystery novel but chose to go to the bathroom when his wife, brushing her hair, looked sad in the mirror.
Choosing to turn toward a partner's emotional bids builds trust, while repeatedly turning away gradually erodes it.
Betrayal and distrust are distinct, though usually considered related.
Gottman describes 'attunement' as an acronym covering awareness of the partner's emotion, turning toward it, tolerating differing viewpoints, seeking understanding, responding non-defensively, and responding with empathy.
Turning away from a partner's sadness can lead to a cascade of uncommitment, resentment, and lower investment in the relationship.
Gottman frames the research-based approach as identifying what specifically increases trust and what drives betrayal dynamics.
The speaker stresses that the choice in each moment is what matters, not any single event defining the relationship.

Chapters

What are 'sliding door moments' according to John Gottman?

Sliding door moments are small everyday interactions where a person chooses either to connect with their partner or turn away from them. Gottman says trust is built through these many small choices rather than grand gestures.

What example does Gottman give from his own relationship?

He wanted to finish a mystery novel, but when he went into the bathroom and saw his wife looking sad in the mirror while brushing her hair, he chose to turn toward her emotionally rather than focus only on his own wishes.

What does attunement involve?

Gottman describes attunement as awareness of the partner's emotion, turning toward that emotion, tolerating different viewpoints, seeking understanding, responding non-defensively, and responding with empathy.

Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

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the dynamics of betrayal. OK. Turns out that trust is built in very small moments, which I call sliding door moments, after the movie, Sliding Doors.

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John Gottman: But how do you build trust? Again, you can turn to research, because research is going to tell you, specifically, what it is that increases this trust metric, and what it is, eventually, that helps us understand the dynamics of betrayal. Okay.

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Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship. So one night I was really wanting to finish a mystery novel.

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Turns out that trust is built in very small moments, which I call sliding door moments, after the movie Sliding Doors.

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So I put the novel on my bedside, and I walked in to the bathroom.

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Because in any interaction, there is a possibility of connection with our partner or turning away from our partner.

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She was brushing her hair. So there was a sliding door moment. I had a choice.

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Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship.

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Now, that really wouldn't define our relationship any. But because I'm a sensitive researcher of relationships, I decided to go into the bathroom.

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So one night I was really wanting to finish a mystery novel.

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Now, that moment I was building trust. I was there for her. I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think only about what I wanted.

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I thought I knew who the killer was, but I wanted to really find out.

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But if you're always choosing to turn away, then trust erodes in the relationship, very gradually, very slowly.

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So I put the novel on my bedside, and I walked into the bathroom.

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And attunement stands for this acronym of awareness of the other person's emotion, turning toward the emotion, tolerance of two different viewpoints, going for understanding the partner, responding non-defensively, and responding with empathy.

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And before I even got into the bathroom, I looked at my wife's face in the mirror, and she looked sad.

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In other words, betrayal is not the same as distrust. And we usually think of it as related.

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She was brushing her hair.

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And you can see that on the third line. And what that means is I not only turn away from her sadness, but I think to myself, I can do better.

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So there was a sliding door moment.

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And once you start thinking that you can do better, then you begin a cascade of not committing to the relationship, of trashing your partner instead of cherishing your partner, of building resentment rather than gratitude, of lower investment in the relationship, less

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I had a choice.

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Topics:John Gottmantrustsliding door momentsattunementbetrayalrelationshipsempathybids for connectionrelationship sciencemarriage

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