Funny TikToks that Had me Rolling on the Floor! PT.23 — Transcript

[Music] Oh my goodness. I started sewing last week, and it's going great. I made this mushroom, and I know what you're thinking. I know what it looks like, but it's a mushroom.

I've got the shoes. I've got the dress that makes me. [Music] Yo, what are you doing? Yo, I can't wait to see what my buddies all think of me. Just imagine how much cooler I am from the screen to the ring to the pen.

To the... But Peter, you're going to die doing this. You're going to die in that stupid costume.

Can you put a Jay on one of them? Is Jay paying for your nails? No. No.

[Music] Them by color. They sorted them by color. Interesting. Once upon a time, we called that segregation.

[Music] It says you're gay. [Music] I found the lost carrot. Excuse me. We're ready to order.

Hey, can I get a shrimp taco? Oh, shrimp taco. [Music] Seb, is that the best coins you've ever had? Yeah, man. This shit's pretty [ __ ]. Oh [ __ ]. Oh my god, that's [ __ ] short.

[Music] The one one the one one the two one two theunty one the hunty hunty. [Music] Crystal. [Applause] [Music] Spanking.

That's hard. I like that. Oh [ __ ]. Open the door. Open the door.

Open the door. Count one, guilty. Count two, guilty. Count three, guilty. Who are you playing with, sweetie? Amanda.

[Music] Oh, who are you? I'm Amanda. There goes the crack that I see each morning. In the day, everything's comfort.

[Music] I mean, what if I don't want to live the way you live? Oh, don't be ridiculous, Andrea. Everybody wants this. Before we begin, is it okay if I touch you? Could definitely use a bit of salt, but it's pretty good. I [ __ ] it in my pants. I am for real. Never meant to make my booty [ __ ]. I don't rush me, Katie. I'm just not ready. So, did you see the new Fortnite skin I think of? Like, oh my god, that's my mom. I I need to hide so I can stay longer. I miss out of my way, Faby. He better not be [ __ ] hiding from me, Liam. [ __ ] He's not there. I've got chicken in the car and the car is running. You better be in this door. [ __ ] I've had it up to here with this [ __ ]. You've got 10 seconds. 10 1 That's it. You're [ __ ] walking home. Don't leave me. I'm right here. You can go and get [ __ ]. Walk home in the rain. Please don't leave without me. Go and [ __ ] yourself. You're a cop, dude. I hate this game. [ __ ] off. Tik Tok. Me and my [ __ ]. Me and my [ __ ].

[ __ ] My [ __ ] like a trumpet. I see no assumption. She throwing it back.

[Music] Take off my clothes. Take off my clothes. Will you please take off my clothes? Ty, take off my clothes.

You always wear my clothes and you never let me wear yours ever. I walk really slow.

That fits Jackson, too. Oh god. Yo, that's her. Dude, boss, let me ask you something. Do you ever fear for your safety when walking the streets? No, of course not.

Why not? 'Cause I keep that thing on me. [Music] There you go. Work. You don't got to start. Yep. There you go. Put that arch in. Now put your arch in a little bit like this. Now tilt your back like this.

Come on. Yeah. You know those girls that always look clean, their skin is always glowing, their lips are always glossed, and they never ever look like they're wearing too much makeup. We may not be them, but here's how to get their look.

Apply. Hello, my name is Jillian Livingston, and this is my resume of Sarah Pollson.

He's escaping. The killer is escaping. I don't want to joke of the day. Day 10.

Where do cats go swimming? The kitty pool. Feel good. I feel sick. What's happening to me?

[Music] I go home just for a second, then I jump back on the road. Hold on.

This is really nice. I'm glad we could finally do it. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. I just love this species of grass.

Oh my god, your legs. No, that's that that's um What are you doing? Let me call an ambulance. What are you crazy? I've still got to walk you home.

I was like, I really think that we should call. Unless you're too tired and want me to carry you. Oh, are you sure?

I mean, would be nice. Jump on. Faster. Faster. Okay. Go faster. What is that?

You go put that back. Oh, okay. Well, you can't have that. Okay. Okay. Okay. We're just gonna just gonna get seven.

[Music] If you dance, I'll dance. And if you don't, I'll dance anyway. Versus stick. I like my cheese drippy, bro.

I just halked toward Prime all over the place. I like my cheese drippy, too.

Logan Paul, I like my cheese drippy, too. Logan Paul, excuse me. Can you film this for me real quick?

Crusty pizza. It's a pizza. Yeah, for you. Yeah, let's go. A fiveb bag of herbo sugarless gummy bears in the name of human science.

I am going to eat the entire fiveb bag of sugarless gummy bears and see what happens.

There is a warning on the package. I'm going to eat the whole bag. So, without further ado, can't make it.

May God have mercy on my soul. Let's get started. [Music] I can't make it.

I can't make it. Oh jeez. I can't make it. No. We found your phone. We're going to take it.

Security. I promise we're not security. We don't want to steal it. I'd be mad if somebody took my phone. Yeah, we have phones. It's fine. So, we're going to give it back. We're at the concert in Wells Fargo. You can add me. Yes. My

name is Giana. My name is Raven. We're going to give your phone to somebody.

So, go ask security for it. They're never going to see this until they get to security. Yo, what the [ __ ] Yo, I'm about to go outside right now. Yo, send me that, please. What is that? I need

that. I need What the Is that a new hair? She's walking with laundry on her head. Yo, that's pretty impressive. I got to say that's a talent. I can't do that [ __ ]. She's way Big back. Big back.

All this food that's loaded up is f to get ate, too. If you think you getting a piece, I got some words for you. Get back. Get back.

Oh, bro. You never showed me a picture of her. Oh, my bad, bro. Let me Let me pull up something real quick. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Just go through all them. I don't care. She's bad, isn't she? Yeah. Wait, you never showed me a picture of him.

Oh, I didn't. Here, let me let me find one. Any picture is fine. Um, I don't have a good one. It's fine.

Anyone is fine. Oh, can I can I zoom in? No. No. He looks He looks better in person. Oh, you sure? Can I just like zoom in real quick? No. Sin, I would die for you. You will. Can you stop being creepy for once

in your freaking life? No. Oh, please explain to me why I'm in the grocery store and a white old man stops me dead in my tracks to tell me that Wow, I love your tan. I wish I had a tan like you,

sir. I am black. Oh, you got a big old dingling. Oh my god. Much respect, ma'am.

It's all balls. Wow. It's just as nuts, guys. You know when dogs do this.

Come do it. Come do it. Come do it. Oh my days, guys. This is so embarrassing.

Stop. Over there. [Laughter] [Music] Hold on, bro. [Laughter] Did you want me to please What' you say? I'm your Uber driver. Get in. I didn't order an Uber.

Got one now. Get the hell in. Or wait, wait, wait. Want to help me look for my dog? I need help looking for my dog. What the hell is with the Oh, I just forgot it for my thing. I'm

sorry. The tin foil. Yeah, we had it for like hot stuff. What? Mom has trivets.

Yeah. What the hell, Mom? Is she being so real? What is happening? We're not going to change. What are you doing? We're not going to change eating because we have company. We don't do this. This is not real. That can best be

able. I love I'll take one. You want one? Yeah, I'll take one. Thanks. Okay.

I'm excited. I know like the pose from Elizabeth Amazon box tissue paper with a smiley face.

That's so good. That's so good. Did you do this? That's so good. Elizabeth, I love it so much. Come here. Mona. The Moniza. The Monisa.

But I'm not interested in being disrespected by someone I lowered my standards for. Facts. And she's like, she's not even pretty. She's not. She's actually mid as hell. I mean, yeah.

Like, think about like a typical five out of 10. That's her. That's literally her. Actually her. Literally, I would not date her. I wouldn't touch.

I'm excited. I know like the pose from Elizabeth Amazon box tissue paper with a smiley face.

That's so good. That's so good. Did you do this? That's so good. Elizabeth, I love it so much. Come here. Mona. The Moniza. The Monisa.

But I'm not interested in being disrespected by someone I lowered my standards for. Facts. And she's like, she's not even pretty. She's not. She's actually mid as hell. I mean, yeah.

Like, think about like a typical five out of 10. That's her. That's literally her. Actually her. Literally, I would not date her. I wouldn't touch her. I wouldn't touch her. Not like Not a 10 foot long pole. Exactly. Not even. She's

just He's That pole's got to be like 20 feet. I'm just done with all men. Facts.

Men are stupid. Just go for girls now. Honestly, I'm looking for a man, not a boy. Facts.

Hit my line. Hit her line, man. Daddy, how old is the Roman Empire still around? How old would it be if it were still around? Yeah. The Roman Empire, too. Why?

That's the Holy Roman Empire. Um, how often do you think about the Roman Empire Ollie?

Every day. Not an hour. Really lame sense of humor. Once in seventh year, they drew a willie on Sirius's forehead. Let him walk around like that for the whole day. I like this little life.

One out of 10. One out of 10. No, I mean rate it one out of 10. Nine. Okay. If your man doesn't hold your hand in public, I think you should start a fight.

Show me. Show me again, please. And just say what you said to me, please. I beg of you. Please, I beg of you. Is it cuz I said it's a charm bracelet? Just No.

Can you just show me? You said I sound stupid. No, I'm begging you. Please. You said you like the space. She said, "Have you seen these?" Let me see again. Show me the video.

Have I seen those? Yeah. I had those in my mind. They're cute. I want them. Put your hat on. Oh my goodness.

What are these? What are those? What are these? Well, see, that's what mom and dad know I got you. But this is what they don't know that I got.

[Music] [Laughter] This looks so good. Look at this. Okay. Sure. Mix it around a little. Can I try yours?

Yeah, I guess so. Mhm. Here you go. You want this? Mhm. It's better. Mhm. Okay.

Bro, this girl is sleep. Courtney, look off the phone. It's not my 10:30 latest. Yes.

What should someone do if they might end up staying up till 3 in the morning watching YouTube? Set their alarm. Set your alarm. Respect. Hey, excuse me. Um, has anyone said you guys look beautiful today? No. Yeah, better look next time.

Are men okay? No, we're not. But this bathroom door can show you exactly where most men are at. You see, uh, we're still making it work. We're still functional, but we're about that close to losing it. You abandoned me in the

middle of the night. What do you have to say for yourself? He's so keen.

It's okay, girl. I forgive you. By the way, I noticed the body wash in your shower ran out. What have you been shampoo?

Do they have McFlurry? Yes, they make do. It's a tasty carrot with no vanilla in it. Chicken. There you go, bud.

Mommy. Mommy. A girl behind you. What do you a clown? He's a clown. Why didn't I see it before? We got gator on a stick. What part of the gator are they selling? Whoa. Where's the trash? I cannot find it anywhere. It's not like

you grew. Last I could remember. It's okay if you don't want to be my friend. I understand. I wouldn't want to be my friend either. I want a pixie stick, not a You know, the biggest red flag with you was when you made me do an

internet speed test before you even came over to my house. Now look at this. You have this whole who walks into a girl off Tinder's house with two gaming PCs.

That's psychotic. It's the same PC. It's just two monitors, bro. What? We're drunk. Anything that happens after this point is a case. We're drunk.

Finally. Hold on. [Music] I'm [Music] doing [Music] help. Help. [ __ ] help me.

No, I'm dead now. [Music] What? [Music] This song already was turn. Look, my butt. How's bed?

Your bag is huge. Listen, so they are closing soon. Oh. And um because they didn't have the type of doughnut I wanted, she gave me a deal. I could get um four strawberry donuts for the price of one. And I decided, can I get two for

that deal so I can surprise my mom? So you got eight strawberry donuts? No, I have two. Oh, okay. Okay. Well, that's so sweet of you. Because I wanted some munchkins, but they didn't have that either. Oh, okay. Um uh there were

blueberry ones, so I took that. And um she gave me the rest. All of them. There is a Let's see. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness.

I got this for $4. I think you got a deal. Thank you for surprising me with a sprinkle. Thank you, Jack. Thank you.

Over here. Is that the walkadoodle shame? Sorry. Shout out to my fitted sheet for putting all the clothes in the dryer in a damp twisted choke hold to make sure nothing else gets dry. What?

Guys, what happened to all my chocolatecovered strawberries? Uh, I don't know. I didn't even know we had any. I didn't know you did. Am I kidding?

What? Why are you looking at me? I didn't I didn't even I didn't even know you came with those. Like I'm not even hungry.

Like I'm skinny and we all know that. So I wouldn't even eat them. So it's like I don't even know why you guys think that I would eat them. Are you calling me fat? Is that what this is? Because I I'm

not even hungry. I'm not even hungry. I didn't even eat the strawberries. [Applause] Ready for Halloween?

[Applause] [Music] Oh my god. Can you take a video of me? Yeah. Oh my god. Slay, can you take a video of me? Yeah.

Hey man, sorry. How many more sets you have left? 11 each. Shh. They don't know this hack. I have a gun.

[Music] How you going to do on your picture day? This. No. Get your hands off your hips.

How you going to do on your picture day? This. Okay, that's cool. All right, here's your slice and the goat. That'll be 807. All I have is $5.

Okay, no problem. [Music] [Music] Babe, my mom wants to talk to you. Babe, hold on. Let me just Oh my goodness.

Here, put the the ear pod in there. Talk to her. She wants to talk to you.

Mama kasa. Mama. Babe, is your mom miss messing with me? No, babe. She's there. There got to be a bad connection. No, there's no bad connection. Ma, listen. This is the reason why we brought her to a damn nursing home. She

can't hear me. Ma. Ma. Mama. Babe, calm down. Take a deep breath real quick. Breathe.

Mama, can you Ma, can you hear me? M mama. Mama. Mama. She can't hear you. She's there, babe.

You need help? I'm allergic to peanut butter, but let me just eat it. Oh my god.

I think I need some more. What's up, man? What are you listening to, bro? I'm listening to the Halloween pumpkin laughing sound effect. Oh, okay.

Nice. Can you twerk? All right, without any ado, [Music] stop you now, Keith. Ain't nothing going to get in your way now, Keith. Nothing's going to stop you, Keith. You're on your way to success. This is what success

looks like, Keith. This is what success looks like, Keith. You're on your way to success. Don't give up, Keith. Don't give up. Let's go.

Am I brat? Father, I think this apple's rotten right to the core from all the things down from all the Can I get a tattoo like this?

Sorry, I only do real tattoos. I know he's out here. I can feel it in my nuggets. Man, aren't you nervous?

Messy. What do you think would happen if you tried to eat an entire violin?

[Music] Damn, look at you, Jay. When you were a little kid. It's just a phase, Mom.

Hey, struggle. Hey, is that your chihuahua? Taco Bell, Nando. What are you doing? This is real monkey business. Oh, yep. I got them. Hey, I didn't know you guys had your own costume. An alien. You be an alien,

though. I ain't going to lie. You be alien. Wait, no. I mean, I alien. Hey Jay, look. Now you can cooly go pull black people over.

Hey Jay, look. The person you lost your virginity to. Hey man, what's the deal? It's your boy Jay from Riv and this is my twin.

Hey Nando. Hey look. Spirits being inclusive this year. They finally got our color. I hope you already know. Hey Jay. Jay look. They got your baby picture. You think you're funny? Yeah I do. No I think this is funny. It's your boy Jay

from Rimo Riverside. So come with me to Riverside. Hey Jay. Look. Check it out.

This you with a flat on my boy. Hey, Nando. Nando, check it out. This how you going to look when you die.

[Music] What' you make? See you next time. On the back here. See you next time.

C U N T. See you next time. the video. Do you know how to read? Yes. Then read my shirt. My bad. I'm tweaking. Well, if you say so. Squirrel.

Draw four. She doesn't know that I know this hack. Okay, I'm going to say this for those of you in the back. I'm going to scream it at the top of my lung. I had cancer. I had cancer four times for 32 years.

I had my tongue replaced. It had a tattoo on my arm where they took the skin and it was transplanted onto my tongue.

Did you hear that? [Music] And they're both boys. There's blood. Malver High School is having our first blood drive on January 17th. Did you know that?

Come on, girls. Come on. Shut it down. All right. So, did you know that the donation of blood can save three lives? If interested, please see Cohen in room.

3 2 1 Beef Wellington. Beef Wellington. [Applause] [Music] What you looking at? Well, you're here now.

Come in. Where you been? H come in. [Music] [Music] You did not. You learn this Shrek dance.

You ready for dinner? [Music] To the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands. One nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

All right, I'm ready. Good meat. Good lord. Let's eat. In case you want to feel better about your day, today the armored car guys came into my job to pick up the money and they asked me to find a leader, but

I didn't see any kind of like logo on him or anything. So, I just got on the walkie and I said, "Hey guys, there's a guy with a bulletproof vest wanting to get into the cash office." Why would I

say that? Why would I say that? We have quarterly trainings on this. Why would I say that?

[Music] My daughter had the bright idea to make her own Valentine's Day cards. We're not buying them. She wanted to make them.

Okay, cool. So, Luca, stay cool. Okay, Oliver, you're smart. Okay, Victoria, you're a good girl. Okay, Connor, do better. Oh my god, boy. Conor and S yourself. Yeah, I was on the list.

Okay, she tweets boots with the fur and she's wearing a fur coat and boots and this person says this is the first time I have considered that the boots themselves did not have fur as in in the flow rider song low apple bottom jeans

boots with the fur. [Music] [Laughter] LBT GDM, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, gay, deir mind. 3 2 1.

Thank you. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi. Jesus is, was, and is coming back. Watch out.

[Music] Thank you. You're welcome. I love you. Okay. [Music] P him. Sit. Good boy.

[Laughter] I hear this [Music] and the door is closed. We're just making some silly videos, looking hot, hoping it gets young people out to vote.

Yo, look up. Good boy. Thunder. Ice. Ice, baby. If you keep this card, if you've ever had a YouTube, I haven't. Is that like when you get pulled over a UTI? UTI like a Yeah.

Under the infants. Yeah. Wait, how did that make sense? Just woke up and looked out the window to find that my barn has moved. My barn was once right there and it is now over there again. It was It was there last

night and it's over there now. It's Can someone tell me how that happens? It wasn't there last night.

I think I'm getting haunted by a mischievous goblin and he's playing tricks on me because why is my barn walking? It was there.

It was It was right there. There's not even a path there. It's just there.

What's that? Yeah, I can go. You like it? Okay. Yeah. Yeah, that work. Stop. I'm making a cake. Then I want your cake. Come on. Oh my god. You so nasty.

Look at her. They call me chicken the way I have a tenderness about me.

[Music] I'm here in Colombia and guess what I found? I found You need head. Oh, wait.

Yeah. Love when beautiful girls have a little gay boyfriend. They just have a little feminine vintage Levis's wearing tote bag carrying mustached little boy. What are you talking about? I don't know.

Dad, no slide. No, no slide. No slide. For emergencies. So if everybody's about to die, that's when Do we have any other bananas? Eat the ones I cut. I don't want the ones you touched. They are sterile. Oh my god.

This the Jesus. Cuz after this, we're going to be all right. [Music] [Music] [Laughter] [Music] This is Figuro, our clinic cat, and we're going to see if he would survive in a quiet place.

I have been here for 4 years and we had decided to drill a little thingy up to hold our our bath mat cuz I like to take baths on the wall and it fell out and I realized that the light was off and that

we could see hold on out there that leads outside. Hold on. So, I go outside and I check outside. I'm like, "Okay, that's my living room window." I'm like, "Okay, that's my kitchen window, right?" Well, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no. That's my kitchen window. What are these two windows? I lived here for 4 years and never noticed that there are two extra windows that go nowhere. That go nowhere.

You want another hit? Oh, no thank you, Shorty. I'm going to wake up geeking in the water. [ __ ] brother. If I take another hit, I'm going to wake up geeking in the water. You If I take

another hit, shorty, I will be geeking into the sunset. Ain't nothing personal, blood, but fro's trying to wipe my mind on some men in black type [ __ ] Stop playing with me, gang. I can't feel my left leg. I hope you trust your plug,

Jimmy, cuz I think there's fent in this [ __ ] Goodness me, Jimmy. That gas was fire. Can I get your plug, Snapchat? Ah!

Oh goodness. Gee whiz. All right, gang. I thought I saw a shark in there. The door is Mars.

Come here, big boy. As a blind mom of two, here's how I know my toddler has ripped off his diaper and peed somewhere in the house.

Okay. My auntie taught me how to read and my mama taught me how to follow directions. This says, "Please do not throw away red baskets." Okay. Um, but Dave, I think you need a new sign.

Excuse me, sir. This your girlfriend? Yeah. She is out of your league. I know.

You ain't wrong, Queen. Lucky. You have a wonderful day. Yeah. You What are you doing? I'm watching for whales.

Some call it whale watching. with your hand binoculars. I feel like it makes it better. I don't have real binoculars. Do you half the people do right here? They're all, you know, I'm just fitting in. Sorry to say you don't

fit in. You know, people pay to do this. We paid to do this. You know, people pay extra to do this. And I got to see my first Well, I think Well, that's other than when I look in

the mirror. I'm talking about water going like 20 ft in the air. I know. I'm talking about a tail that's just flapping like one of those wacky inflatable flowing arm tube men. You know those cool things that they got in front of like car

dealerships. Car dealerships and furniture stores. I'm even starting to form my own strategies. Oh, what's that?

Yeah. Do you know you can call whales? And I'm not talking about like the Dory way. I'm going to say Dory taught me.

She speaks whales. This is different. This is calling whales. Go ahead. Come here. Whale. Well, well, well. Well, well well.

Oh. Well, you're such a dad. Oh, I think I see one right there. Is it?

Oh, that's my wedding ring. Stop. Oh. Uh, you can give it. No, no. I'll tap it. Uh.

What's happening? Recess time. Oh my gosh, guys. This is still recess. Excuse me, brother. Hey, hey, cool question, man. I'm looking for the uh the what?

[Laughter] Excuse me. Um, you know where I can find the uh the hung the what? I'm looking for the the hung the what? The the Yeah, it's down the street.

Yo, bro. Excuse me. Quick question, man. Um, I'm looking for the the Hong Kong.

The what? The who? The What the hell are you talking about? The [Laughter] Hey, excuse me, brother. A quick question, man. Um, I can get the What?

Huh? Hold on. What? Hey, excuse me, bro. A cool question, man. Um, you know where I can find the uh the what? The the Wait, I'm sorry. One more time. Thea.

So, I'm just sitting here drinking my hot chocolate. When I look up and see this in my point of view like like Oh my [ __ ] god.

No. [Music] Hold up. Sunflower. You're the sunflower. Closing walls and ticking clocks for gravity.

[Music] [Applause] Jennifer. Jennifer. Stop right there. Young man. Jennifer. Why is it too Jennifer?

Girl, you thought you ate. You got that from Timu or Sheen? Don't trips. [Music] We can [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] just be part of your [Music] Will you hold me tight?

You know those girls that always look clean? Their skin is always glowing. Their lips are always glossed. And they never ever look like they're wearing too much makeup. You may not be them, but here's how to get their look. You

believe me that your feet stink? Smell. This part always cracks me up. This poor kid during this take has to go pee. So, he's signaling to somebody off camera.

It means your future hasn't been written yet. He's struggling. Poor kid. Hey man, I really like your tattoos and your piercings really fit your face. You got a whole nice vibe going on. Thanks.

Yeah. The hell? Kill the boy. And let the man be born. [Music] Oh, you scared me.

I need you to film me doing something. I want to show you something. It's a trick. Just Nope. Stay right there.

Okay. Wait. Okay. Wait. This is going to be really good. I'm on a wheel. I'm on a wheel.

Is it working? [ __ ] It's been a long ass time. Oh, someone's coming.

Someone's already coming. Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ] It's on my finger.

What the hell? Yeah. Was that one of y'all? What the [ __ ] That's crazy. That's crazy. That's a crazy smell that could come out of human body.

No. She don't like it. She don't like it at all. Oh, we're on the wrong floor. Are you going up? Yeah. Oh, yeah. We're going up. What the [ __ ] You smell that? Yeah.

What the smells like a dog [ __ ] in here? I think that's the first floor. What the Cuz I was just down there. Did it smell like that out there? No. What the That stinks.

What the [ __ ] Sorry. You guys You guys don't want to go in there. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.

Think you not even the fault. I be going hard. I'm breaking hearts. Miss, for a dollar, name a singer that doesn't exist. Go.

George Holiday. Yes, correct. George Holiday. What kind of music does he sing? Classical. He doesn't sing. He doesn't sing. And he's not a singer, is he? I'm sorry. What is your name as a group? The click.

Click or click. Click. Oh my god, an alien. It's just a mask. See? Just a mask. Oh my god. An illegal alien.

[Music] [Music] Of course, we're dad and daughter. My dad gives me all his money.

My daughter's a No, Dad. You're supposed to say something nice. Of course, we're dad and daughter. I dropped her on her head when she was a baby. My son said, "Mom, mom, there's ants on the TV." Mom, mom. Okay,

have a look. Just wish. I had a look. Um Um [Music] It's not on my TV. It's in my TV.

There are ants in my TV. Here they have created a hive service in my TV.

Pretty sure this is the queen right here. Crazy. She's come such a long way. But I do know that you are a good person and that I am a good person.

[Music] Oh my god. I did that thing where um you take a picture on Tik Tok and it gives you a sound and I feel violated.

Brother, what's that? My eyes. My eyes. Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me like that either.

Here [Music] [Music] you go. Can you open it again, please? You want some video?

Please just show it to the Didn't know. Show the box. What is it? What?

Oh, excuse me. Oh, me. Not again. Oh, please. Please. Right. Listen, listen. I've got another list. Right. Right.

This is my shopping. [Music] I'm sorry. Right. Well, shut up. Sorry. Right. Sorry. Actually crying. Well, this is for Uncle Barry, right? Yeah. Have you got any sniff?

Hey, how you doing? Oh. Let me get a um Oh, there you go. high in the quiet of the night. You know that I got it.

So, this lady has been standing here for like 10 minutes. I think she thinks she's waiting to get out of the store.

They're mannequins. Ma'am, you do realize those are mannequins. Oh, what's going on with the fire stick?

Sometimes server has been died because many people access at the same time. Sorry for inconvenient babe. Babe, we got to kill the elephant.

Babe, we got to kill her. Just grab her, babe. I know. I don't want to do it either. We have no choice. Just grab her legs so we can pull her to the edge.

This is seriously the funniest [ __ ] I've ever seen in a bathroom in my life.

Careful, I scream. I think I like this little life. What happened to him? It died.

Wonder what the is this? It's Oh, wave object. Oh. Oh, okay. True. What the the is this? What the a curved object? Oh [ __ ] I have crush on you. Put the seat belt and crush on yourself.

You have to keep on doing that. Dude, you can't do that. Yes, I can. My wife's toxic trait is she still doesn't think these are done chicken? You never know with chicken. I I know with this chicken. Okay, I know.

Why did you get under me? Oh my gosh. Babe, please help me. I need my soup.

Hi. Hi. I'm your neighbor next door. I just wanted to bring this over for you guys.

No way. Oh my god. Are you scared of me? Yes. Oh my god. You look right here. Oh, no way.

[Music] I'm not going to lie. It looks a lot slower on camera than when I was actually moving. I feel like I was going at least eight miles an hour, dude. It looks like I was going about two.

Hola. [Applause] [Laughter] So, do you have your car back? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Okay. Where was the car? Um, it was on a different street.

So, was it stolen? No. No, it wasn't stolen. Okay. So, you've now got the car back.

Russell, what happened? We were joking around again and it went So, what did you think of Bookies? That was pretty good. I mean, I don't really get what all the hype's about, but I mean, it's a cool gas station.

Courtney, I'm not trying to scare you. Hello. I'm waving my hand. Please look. Please don't get scared.

I am not trying to scare you. Please. I don't know. Stop. I throw that one away. The floor is really dirty. No, wait. It's only gross to eat something that you know has been on the floor if you know it's been on

the floor. Otherwise, you could just be blissfully unaware. Therefore, if I mix this back in, I'll never know if I ate the one on the floor or not. Meaning, it's not even I don't even feel grossed out about it. True enough. I mean, it's

better not to know. [Music] You just ate the whole handful. You've guaranteed that you ate the one that was on the floor. No. Why'd you tell me?

Just give me my money. Yeah. Woo. What was I'm scared. You're so short. My mom accidentally posted to Tik Tok and she can't figure out how to delete. Now she won't delete it.

Now she won't delete it. At first she was mad at me for I guess making fun of her. But uh now it's got views and comments. She uh doesn't want to delete it. She doesn't want to let y'all down.

Apparently I am my own worst enemy. All right, [Laughter] dude. Look at that yacht.

Uh, the sea is silent. Yep. Sure is tranquil. High heels on my tippies. Dope.

Watch out. Watch out. What are we going to wear today? T-shirts. Unless blue 42.

Oh, there's stuff in it. Mine has stuff in the middle. Oh, mine in the middle.

It's a girl. No. Can I see your baby teeth? Let me see your last two baby teeth.

So you can recline it like this and push it back and it's What is that noise?

That was you. That was you. What? That was you. You went I did. You did. We have it on video. You squeak like a little church. That was a little girl back there. You going Kelsey Plum in the building enjoying the

popcorn apparently 2017 award. This is how veneers look to me. This is how they look to you. I feel like everybody's teeth look the same. Just like this.

Little squares, little piano tiles. Do you know how to get Angel? I was thinking about going for a walk.

[Music] Do you want to go for a walk? Do you want to go on a W? You ready?

Let's go for a walk. Come on. Go. Come on. Let's go. My man don't never have to worry about a bill cuz I'mma always read it to him.

It's $50.95. Wow, that's a Northern Cardinal. That really loud. You're single. I'm single. You know what that means? Nobody wants us. Excuse me. Do you know where the bathroom? The uh Yeah. The um goo and pe over there. Okay. Can I go where you're

going? Who might scare me? your dad. That one took a while. I'm so scared for this one. You should have took that one first cuz Oh my god. What if I choke? You're not. You You know how to give me the

himlick, right? What is that? Huh? Oh, I didn't even feel it. I'm sending this to the group chat.

Why are you recording me, babe? Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. We're We're done.

We're leaving. We're leaving. Let's go. Let's go, babe. I'm I'm I'm being so serious right now. Get up. Get up. I'm not going to have this.

People who don't have playlists and just shuffle their like songs need to be in prison. You're going to go from the How to Train Your Dragon soundtrack to Mo Bambber and not even blink. Are you okay? Like you were just in your

feelings 5 seconds ago. And why is Gangnam style playing now? It cost parents over $230,000 today to raise a kid and that's just for the alcohol. I told my boyfriend that my period was starting soon and he was

like, "Oh yeah, I thought so." Like I was going to ask if it was and I was like, "Have I been extra emotional lately or something?" And he goes, "No, I've been extra emotional and I figured your hormones were like rubbing off on

me or something." I was like, "What?" And he goes, he goes, "Yeah, I was watching some videos earlier and I started getting like teareyed and I figured that was just cuz of your hormones.

Okay. Yeah, I don't think lag putt was a play there. Date idea. We watch Finding Nemo and every time we see a fish, we kiss.

Sounds like a pretty solid date to me. Very cute. Not very comfortable. Are you tick tocking? No. If you want to get into a chilly lake, you need to acclimatize. You take your arms.

Acclimatize. Acclimatize. Double acclimatize. No acclimatize. Partial acclimatize. All right, Sarah, count me off. 5 4 3 2 1.

Or just don't be a baby and jump in. Okay, dude. This quarantine is killing me. This is probably the longest I've gone without sex. Yeah, I know, right?

Like, where's the sex? It's been like six years for me. We've been in lockdown for two months, bro. That's it's it's getting to me.

It's getting to my eyes. My eyes. Yo, what's your thug name? Hog two. Let them lean. What's your real name?

Pubert. What's your thug name? Little T man Roger Pedos. What's your real name? Bartholomew.

What's What's your street name? Little JJ P the perk. What's your real name? Arnold. What's your street name? Little sneaker mass genocide. What's your real name? EMTT.

Baby, can we take a break? Baby, you just wait on me. I don't know. I'm not really even that hungry. I don't think I'm going to get anything. What do you think?

Yeah. No, me too. I so not hungry right now. I I didn't even I didn't even want to stop.

Hey y'all, it's Elsa. Um I'm going through my old makeup and I thought I would do a couple swatches from different highlighters that I have. So that's what this video is. So, starting off, oh, we've got the Wet N Wild Mega

Glow Highlighting Powder. So cute. It has a really Oh, it has a really cute design. Oh, okay.

Forehead. Goodbye. I like him. I like that autistic man. And would I be wrong if I asked him at dinner, "Is you autistic?" Cuz I like that.

I like it. Oh, look. A strawberry. Oh, look. A strawberry. I really like it.

Sorry, Chubby. Are the movie theaters upstairs? Okay. It's my first time in the mall, so thank you.

Where are you guys? The movies are upstairs or I couldn't find them. Did you do that?

Oh, I asked you guys about like 20 minutes ago and I you guys are [Music] what the freak. So, are the movies upstairs or [Music] So, I saw that too. You're not Is there a Starbucks up there, guys? I

didn't see Okay, I need a coffee before the movie. So, thank you. Sorry. I end up finding it.

It was like over there. Oh my. We just got this. Who ate all this Nutella? Wasn't me. It wasn't me.

Come on, guys. Just say who ate. Come on, guys. I'm not going to be mad. Just say You guys are all bad friends. You know it wasn't me. You know I don't do stuff like that. No. No. No. Shut up. Why

would I have eaten that? Why do you think I would have eaten that? You know it could be anybody in the house. It could be anyone really. Okay, now I'm done. Hey Nick, tell everyone about your furry Tik Tok account. Marina. Marina,

stop. Okay, it's not funny. I'm not a furry. anymore. I'm going to try recording a video through my car speaker. Uh I have I have no idea how this is going to sound. I have been told by my friends

every time they call me and I'm in the car that it sounds like I'm on like a like an old Vietnam like handset when I'm when I'm in war or like how airline pilots like communicate towards each other like how how radio frequencies

sound in the air. I'll tell you right now, it sounds shitty when I like play it back through my car speaker. Like when I'm when I'm like done with a cut and I play it back through this thing.

Sounds really bad. I think it sounds like a NASCAR driver. Like NASCAR communications between like the pit and the driver. McQueen, this is the pit. Uh looks like you're spinning out over there a bit, buddy. If you could try to

uh if you could try to center your vehicle. Fine line in the beautiful sea. I choose to be happy. You and I. You and I diamonds in the sky.

They don't love you like I love you. [Music] Put the fries in the bag, you skiibbidity twack. What? I beg your pardon. I'm telling you, mate. You're lucky you're not going to get a skiddy thrushing for that sort of insulence.

How very dare you. I suggest you put the fries in a bag, my friend. Right.

Another one on the list for a Skippidy ribs frightening. I'll be seeing you later. Asleep. Asleep.

No. So, we're going to do the green to the dark green to the black, right? Mhm.

Okay. Is it okay if I touch you? Yeah, [Music] Marf. Harry, where the hell did you take your shoes off? Why the hell you dressed like a chicken? She's an icon.

Hey, I was invisible. Cool. I don't feel so good. I was working out when I saw this.

[Music] I sold my soul poetry. This hell is members only. Why did I say okie dokie?

[Music] I walk to school alone again. I'm not a guy with many. They will never break this apart.

Where my hug at? Uh, uh, Bickley Bickley. Bickley. I don't speak English. Do you know how far the cafeteria is?

Yes. That the You're going to go to That tall that tall tall building. Translating the sentence. How about you get away from me, Blackie?

[Laughter] Oh yeah. Oh my god. We don't do that. We don't. I I quite like that though.

That's what I'm talking about. Oh my god. Oh my god. Reese. Hey Reese. Grace, what are you doing?

[Music] Watch this. Hey, Jackson. Hey Jackson. Jackson. Hey buddy. Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson.

Yo, [Music] what the [ __ ] is going on? [Music] [Music] And I'm proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free. God bless our troops. God bless America. and gentlemen.

Start your [Music] dawn. What surprise we [Music] So, do you like the food? Mom, this is delicious. What'd you put in this? You know, salt, pepper, and some cooking wine. Wine? I didn't know you put some alcohol in this. Man, I'm drunk. I'm

drunk. One more shot. Oh, that hit the spot. I've been drinking. What the hell? Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, I'm drunk, man. Uh, hey guys, my name is Nick and today's presentation is going to be on why Judy Hops from Zootopia is the baddest Disney character. That isn't that isn't good.

Um, that is in hot. Uh, yeah. So, number one, we have body dimensions. Um, those are just some pictures that I found of her. Um, you can see that her her volume is 17.16 in. I'm not going to expand on

on what that means. Um, yeah, but I don't think that any any other character could uh do these.

It's a Africanamean grasshopper. Come on, focus. Oh, what the [Applause] [Music] It's not funny. You told me to dress like a cow and darkness is upon the face of the deep and the spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters

and God said here are 10 mistakes that you're making every single day. Number one being a little damn look I look like Mona Lisa right now.

I look like her. Huh? But yeah, I just want to say that I just saw Alex Rodriguez. I could have freaked out and asked for a picture and like been like, "Hi." But I didn't. I kept my cool and I

respected him. Also, Bruce Willis lives up there. This is my dog and I just bought a Rolex. You're welcome, A-Rod. I want a picture next. Just hold it out like a fish. Hold it. What do you mean?

It's 30 lbs of cheese. I can't hold it. Just hold it straight out. Come on. I literally did push it today.

Can you hold it over your head? No. Give it to Remy. We don't give Never had that problem before. Am I right?

So, I fell asleep on the bus and I noticed the bus driver is gone. And then I look outside the window and he's making a Tik Tok.

You almost done? Yeah. What's been your favorite part about this hike? Going to the car.

Look at this. Perfect. Oh my god. Are you ready to get daddy? You ready to get up? Get up.

Oh no. Cory. Cory. The toilet. The toilet's smoking. It's smoking. The toilet. I don't know what's happening.

Oh god damn it. God. Cory, what are you doing? This is a non smoking house. We don't smoke in here. What are you doing? Oh, I thought we were playing I thought we were playing games. You want to play games?

Hey babe, I have to record a Tik Tok really fast. Okay. Hey guys. So, it's the new year and on Lemonade there is a bucket list. One of the things on the bucket list was um a shopping spree. So, I did a little bit

of shopping. I want to show you guys. I'm super excited. So, one of the first items is this eyeshadow palette. And I guess it's like super rare because there's like gold flakes in it. Was only like $1,000. So, I'm super excited about

this. Babe. Babe. I'm recording a Tik Tok. Stop. You paid $1,000. What's that? Babe, sh. Babe, no. Take it back. And I also got this glitter and it's made out of like real like rhinestones or I think they're called like goldfish flakes. And

this one I think was about 1,500 cuz there's like Hey, where are you? Hey, I'm trying to record a Tik Tok. I'm confused how you're spending $1,500 on a little bottle of sprinkles. I'm really excited. I got this makeup brush and

it's made out of like real horse hair. Super soft, very durable. Why would you want horse hair on your face? Babe, I am trying to record. Hold on. Babe, you're you're making me go crazy right now.

You're telling me you spent $1,500 here, $1,000 there? I don't understand what you're doing. Babe, let me just end the video. Hold on. I love my boyfriend so much. She's the one that like let me spend all this money. So,

hello. Hey, Dad. Yes. Hey. Uh oh. You know what? I'm getting another call. Let me call you right back. All right.

What's up? What are you doing? Nothing. I'm just uh hanging out, relaxing, taking it easy. Dad, I'm I'm so sorry to do this to you. Let me call you right back. Okay. He's going to get so mad.

Yeah. Hey, I'm I'm sorry. I'm just getting so many calls. What's going on? Nothing. I'm just uh You know what, Dad?

I'm one more time. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do it to you. All right. All right.

[Music] The twilight gleaming who bright lights and bright star through the air of the dark or the river we [Music] help me sir and the rock gets [Music] [ __ ] chill out, man.

Come on. That's a bad start. Let's go. Let's go, D. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Kids should be in charge of naming everything. They should be the marketers of the universe. Put the kids to bed last night and because it's the

end of the weekend, I always ask, "What was the best part of your week?" The whole week. You can name anything you want. Mason says to me, "I think my favorite part was going to strepthroat lake." Pause. Three problems with that.

One, we didn't go to a lake. Two, I don't like water, so that's out of the question no matter what. And three, um, even if we did go, I don't think there's a place called Strepthroat Lake. If there was, I would hope that the health

department has shut that down. So I say, "Hold up. Hang on. Let's rewind. Let's be kind and rewind. Your favorite part was what?" Now you know when we went to Strepthroat Lake. It was dishicious. And now I'm doubly concerned because like

first, who took him to Strepthroat Lake? Cuz it was absolutely not me. And and second, why are they serving food there?

And if they're not serving food there and it's just like a body of water, why is he drinking the water? I have so many questions for a Sunday night. So I say, "Mason, we didn't we didn't go swimming

this weekend. It is the middle of the winter." laughs in my face the way 5-year-olds do and they're like, "You silly goose." And he's like, "I didn't say swimming. We didn't go swimming. We went to Strepthroat Lake." I So,

finally, after a minute, I call my seven-year-old in the room, who is the Mason translator, and I say, "Riley, Mason, you two need to talk." And Mason says, "Ry, remember we went to Strepthroat Lake? Was so good with the

rice and the chips and the whack-a-mole." Riley just pauses for a second, looks at Mason in the eye, kind of does a little slow nod, and says, "Yes, Mason. I do remember." And then she turns to me right before leaving the

room and says, "He's talking about Chipotle, Dad." And then she just walks out. Strepthroat Lake Chipotle.

It was good. This was really good. Yeah. That's what I wanted to hear. Get it done.

[Music] Could someone pass the broccoli? [Music] Come here, you. I require a sniff. God damn.

Hey, be careful so you don't slip and fall. Okay. Okay. This is day 10 of headshotting kids in SkyOne dodgeball.

Babe, why do you like me anyway? Cuz I find you attractive. Raise your standard.

It's a ple. Is that a wolf? What? What does that wolf say? It's Japanese. I can't read it.

Anyone can read. [Music] What are you doing? Why? Why? Let me do your shirt.

Oh yeah. But you don't look gay. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me just [Music] um I'm just wondering if you have any tweets.

Dr. Pepper, it's voice mellow yellow. How did you mellow yellow? You pushed me. Mellow sir mellow yellow. What? The the button. The button. Oh, it's Dr. Pepper. Oh, thank you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how constipated are

you right now? 20 billion. When I say hawk, you say to a hawk. Okay.

All righty. She's literally fine. She's fine. No, we're not going home. She's fine. Nora, thank you. Thank you. Give me more. Give me Give me the whole thing.

What's What's that? Wait. Uhoh. Poo poo. Oh no. Sorry. Daddy. Daddy. Oh no. Oh yeah.

Yeah. No more. [Laughter] Yes. That feels so good. Oh my god. Oh, what happened? Don't pay the water bill. No more water. We don't pay the water bill.

It's not hot. Okay. Not hot, but it do the job. How many water bottles are you going to need? Five more. That's it.

I got the horses in the bag. That should be a dancer. What could this be? What could this be? We're playing a game. Playing a game. Cat's cradle. What could this be? It is not a resistance, man. They're thongs

from Teamu. Don't buy Teamu thongs because they come looking like this. Throw this in here as well.

Oh my god. Speaking of, what's like the legal amount of like fentanyl a person can carry on them?

None. None. There's no like medicinal wise. Medicinal wise. Zero. Really? You can't get a prescription for fentanyl with my friends.

You let your sidekick talk to me like that? Hello everybody. Welcome to group therapy. Let's go around the table and talk about why we're here. I was in an abusive relationship.

I'm an alcoholic. I watched my whole family get murdered. I am so sorry, man. What about you?

I spoken no pico. Huh? Susan, you're so beautiful. What's your sign? Um, I'm an Aries. Oh, never mind.

It's a mess. What's this? business. [Music] [Music] [Music] He [Music] What? We're about to go cow tipping.

This is for you. Thank you so much for everything. How are you? Good. How are you? Good.

[Laughter] You seem to be [Music] Go go go go go. Another idea. Another heart.

[Music] Go. All right, we made it. Get one for mom. I was going to leave her. I was thinking about leaving her. Come on. Yeah, I did a video to see if you would leave him behind or not.

Let's go. Alexa, play I like to move it. Move it. I like to move it and similar songs on Amazon Music. It's coming [Music] me 96 when you know what it is. Not upside down. Six.

Now remember, if you sleep with an older man, that's not having daddy issues. That's called caring for the elderly.

[Music] Let them eat. You're big enough. Look at them. They're tiny. Let them eat.

[Music] You want to hop over? [Music] Yes, we did it. Leroy, you want to see leaping Leroy's trick? Ready? Here he goes. Here he goes.

Yay. Leroy. Oh, Leroy. [Music] That's actually [Music] I ain't playing no game. I go out there.

What do you think would happen if I ate this entire piano? Not me accidentally bringing 2 lers of goddamn sparkling water on this hike cuz I don't [ __ ] speak German.

I know some people think that some of my jokes might be a little misogynistic, you know.

But I don't give massages, right? Cuz that's a woman's job, you know. Babe, did you have fun at the fair?

No. Please. Oh, that's hilarious. Oh my gosh. I can't let This is my impression of a Windex bottle.

Thanks for watching. Thanks, Grandma. Can I rely on you for 50 bucks? You legend.

What the Liam? No, seriously. Where's the [ __ ] There's always money in grandma's car. You're 25. You can't rely on money from your grandma every year.

Show some appreciation. Thanks, grandma. Oh, love you lots. Clearly, mate, you are being outrageous right now. Am I being outrageous? How's this for outrageous?

How's this for? Guess I'll go spend my own 50 bucks at the Pokés. Best birthday ever.

Why recording? Why you're recording? Guys, do you feel that? Hey, do you want me to help you take that picture? Well, thanks, you poor.

Oh. Okay. Excuse me, miss. I I know. I'm sorry. Just Just give me one minute. One minute. Okay, honey. Who is this? I don't know.

So, I'm here to hold a meeting with you guys today to let you guys know. Please sit down. Thank you. So, to let you guys know that I will be coming back. Hey, sit down.

Sit down. Thank you. Hey, stop fighting. Sit down, guys. Sorry, I can't be your man. I'm sorry.

She get all these [ __ ] bands. Here's my impression of one of those automatic air fresheners that are in bathrooms sometimes. Thank you. I am probably not going to make rent this month. You know those girls that always look clean?

Their skin is always glowing. Their lips are always glossed. And they never ever look. You can do it, baby. You can do it.

[Music] You can do it, baby. You can do it. Bro, that freaky ass cat got hity tooted up in the middle of the department store. That boy off that Z. He look like a nut, bro. I got to poop. But I can't

poop cuz I'm not home. At face show today. [Music] All right. Okay. Throw the cards in the air when I count to three. Are you ready?

[Applause] Hey, how much is a cut in style? Cut in style. And how much is the kids cut? Kids cuts are 25.

So, can I get a kids cut? Baby shark. Doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Baby shark. Doo doo doo doo doo doo. Baby shark. Doo doo doo doo doo doo.

Minions. Tonight we steal zamoon. [Applause] [Music] All right, your total is going to be $100.

Okay. She doesn't know I know this life hack. I have a gun. You should now have found a black cable.

Please do not pull it out if you have already done so. Please do not plug it back in.

We can ride [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] president business stole the cragle the most powerful object in the universe blah blah blah proper name, place name, backtory stuff.

Slip me in your pocket. My way out. Oh man, was that your last? Come on.

Oh, [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] up. If you ever want to find out a man's true personality, literally just ask him who would win in a fight between 1 billion lions and every single Pokemon there is

and then take the unyielding stance of the lion side because I guarantee you you walk out of that conversation with a husband or with a new arch nemesis. Like the other day I was in class and I was

bored out of my godamn mind and then I remembered I have free will and also a man who sits behind me that really likes Pokémon. So I spun around and I asked him 1 billion lions versus every single

Pokémon, who wins? I laid my trap and he walked straight into it. So he was like, "Uh, the Pokemon, duh, as all fools do." And so I said, "Well, it's a billion lions." Like that's a lot of lions, you

know? And he was like, "Uh, Pokemon can bend space and time and they're gods of their own." And so that I naturally, and I don't recommend this if your man is particularly temperamental, but I brought up the lion ladder. He didn't

like that. If you're unaware, a lion ladder is when lions stack on top of each other to create a ladder made out of lions. Very self-explanatory, you know, as one does. And he, the average lion naysayer, the average lion denier

was like, "They can't do that. They're lions." And then he spent the next two hours convincing me why the Pokémon would win. And when it started to get a little bit dry and, you know, I was getting a little bored again, I was

like, "Well, what about the lion catapults?" He popped a blood vessel. What? This plastic piece like, "Does it do I have to tell you something. What? I started seeing someone [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] Come on. I'm not I'm being serious. I

started seeing somebody. What do you think about that? Seeing somebody as in dating or very careful.

Very careful. Perfect. There we go. There we go. All right. Who is it for? Santa.

Santa. There's a [ __ ] Oh my god. [Laughter] No cap. Facts. No pency. No translate.

Period. What the are you guys even talking about anymore? This girl sounds like a syllabus. No cap. Space. Double spaced. MLA. No. Don't print it.

Oh my gosh, bro. This traffic is insane, bro. What's going on? Oh, you can cross.

Gosh. Finally, bro. Oh jeez. I see magic. [Music] This year I'm going to follow my dreams.

[Laughter] If I see a bug, I simply leave that room elegantly and allow someone else to take care of that problem. If no one does, I simply never go back there again. All right, Carter, you got 2587.

Not for long. I make bad financial decisions. I got these rings from Sheen, right?

look like eyes because I thought they looked cool. But now I can't stop messing with them.

Me. I gave it lipstick. What do I name her? I need to give her a name.

That's what she said. And you know what? I What was that? Cuz it's iconic and I love to do iconic [ __ ] I'm about to go to Taco Bell and get me a bow.

Blast. TV turn off. What the Wait, you're saying you don't know that your TV's voice activated?

It's not. Yes, you can turn it on and off by saying it. Yes, you can. Try it.

Say TV turn on. TV turn on. Wait for it. Oh, I'm not kidding. I told you. Try it again. Try it. TV turn off. See, I told you all Sonia brands have voice activated. It's up there. Look it. She's

literally on the phone. Turn off. Did you just hear this? TV turn off, babe.

This is crazy. Wait, why don't you try the volume? TV, turn off. No way. No. That's insane. Oh my gosh.

So, how are we? I'm going to be so honest with you. Do it. What's wrong? I've never had this happen before. I don't know what happened. They're really dark, dude.

Like how dark? They're so dark. Okay, first of all, no stress. It'll wash. Second of all, I'm not even looking at them. How dark are they, Laura?

I put on video [Music] [Music] the explorer. [Music] So, they told us to dress as the color purple, but I didn't know they meant the put the color purple on. So, we really I didn't know they meant put the color

purple on. We really the color purple. Ain't nobody messing with us. And it's so hot.

And it's cold here. [Music] [Music] The age of consent. Um, let's get to this. Let's get to it. This guy definitely kids. He's like, "Hell yeah.

This guy was like, "That's what I came for dog." Not came for. All right. Um, what is it supposed to be, Shelly?

How much are y'all going to sell them for? The [ __ ] That is black, bro.

No good. No way. Shut up. Shut up. I thought it was a dog. It's a raccoon.

POV. I'm a middle-aged white woman. When she sees an overripe banana banana. Hi. What are you doing here? So, I just wanted to know considering we've been having a great time these past three weeks and you know we did some things

the other night. Gave you my goodie box. So, what are we [Music] all right?

Yes. Hey, are you are you free now? Dad, I'm one more time. I promised last time I'm Yo, Joe, listen. Do what you got to do. take care of everything you got to do when you got free time. Then

call me back. Okay. I You're right. I'll do that. I'll call you right back. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. Are you messing with me? No, I'm not. I promise. I uh No, you you you're calling me back like right away. If you got stuff to do, just do what you got to do.

I'm I'm free now. I promise. I'm free. I wanted to talk. What do you want, Joe?

Uh you're not going to believe this. I'm I'm getting another call. All right. Goodbye. Do it one more time. I'll call one more time.

Where are you, Joe? I'm out. I'm out right now. I just wanted to talk to you.

If you get another call, put them on hold. All right. I If you want to talk to me, you talk to me. Okay? Do you understand? You know what? As you're saying that, I'm getting another call.

Let me uh Joe, don't call me back. Yeet. What's a yeet? Yeet. Everyone has that one friend where watching them form a thought is kind of magical, but it's also a bit risky. It's kind of like a MacBook trying to play

the Sims. It might explode. Like my friend told me the other day that there should be a Spotify wrapped for your college courses.

Uh, brother, you mean your grades? Oh, I told him that and I watched him try to figure it out and it was like, "Oh my god, something's happening." Oh, we lost it. He didn't get Hey, getting a Brazilian wax. Can you distract me?

Dad, don't freak out, but I just got a tattoo of your name on my lower back.

Grandma, you was fat. Oh my god. This is a limited edition Braille Playboy from 1977.

The library. Damn to Arnold Grove. I can't touch anymore. How you doing? Everybody's so concerned about if the Stanley spills, but what about the milk?

It's on a fire yesterday. It still has ice in it. I'm at the ketchup dispenser and I want to see if we have ketchup flow.

Yeah, dog. We've got ketchup flow. Yeah, dog. That was amazing flow. Yeah, that was nice.

Why didn't you tell me I look like that? There's makeup. Oh, baby, you look beautiful.

Baby Kyla just [Music] 2024 is going to be a good year because what's 2 plus 0 plus 2+ 4?

Right. Right. Exactly. Has anybody ever seen Final Destination? [Music] I got a lemonade, bro. I got a lemonade.

You gave me clown juice. [Music] [Music] No, go ahead. Can't bring me down. I'm on a high. Shut up. I'm living my best life and y'all can't take that from me. This gypsy rose bullshit's annoying. And the is

Come on, y'all better go to bed. Good night. Good night, Dad. [Music] Abund [Music] me.

[Music] I am strong. Let the poor say I am rich because of what the Lord has done for us.

[Music] They know I'm the T I R. You know I am that girl. Can you get it? Homeless.

[Music] The seat belt broke. Can you get it now? I'm stuck. Damn it. You okay? The seat belt broke. Oh no.

What are you going to fix? Damn it. Haley. How is it? I don't know. It's a back down try again. No, that ain't safe. If it Did you push the damn button?

No. All the time I have people telling me like, "Oh, you have such such straight teeth. Oh, we love your teeth." Or, "Oh, you have too many teeth." Like, y'all, I just [ __ ] my pants.

I was right. I just [ __ ] my pants. You're a funny looking thing, aren't you? Don't. That's my grandma's. Oh, that's my grandma's. I am I am. So me and my boyfriend did Barbie this year, but we did it a little differently.

I'm a bar. Come, come. [Laughter] Hey, are you guys having a good day? How about now? You know those girls that always look clean? Their skin is always glowing. Their lips are always glossed.

And they never ever look like they're wearing too much makeup. [Music] [Applause] No, no, no, no. Camera deportation. No.

No. Okay. I'm Martin. You're not lying. What's my throw me to the wolves? They'll come back pregnant.

What the [ __ ] Two, three. Show off your drink and walk and walk and walk and speed up. Speed up. Speed up. Speed up. Speed up. Speed up.

I got to wait here. I got you tonight. [Music] This is what Europeans think America is like. At 8:00 a.m., I wake up in the clothes that I'll wear for the rest of the day. Then a stranger walks up to me

and we overshare about our lives. Hey, I couldn't drink that stuff. I got diabetes. I'm about to become a father.

I'm super afraid. Well, well, good talking to you. Everyone is so friendly and polite in America. At 10:00 a.m., I get all the food I'll eat for the next 2 months. I only buy processed foods. Then I have a quick glass of ice water. And

then at 12:00, it's time for church. It feels awesome to be in the only country that's protected by God. At 1:30 p.m., I send thoughts and prayers for the daily victims of gun violence. Okay, problem solved. After that, I use a free public

restroom. I love the large gaps in the stalls so I can check to see if anyone is using them. Oh, hey buddy. How's it going? Hey, could be worse. That's awesome. See you around. At 3 p.m., my wife gives birth. We set up a GoFundMe

to pay our medical bills. At 3:01, the doctor cuts off the most sensitive part of our baby's penis. He'll thank us for that one day. At 3:02 p.m., my wife is back to work. It's awesome that she was

able to get two minutes of maternity leave. Her company must really care about her. At 4 p.m., I read the Bible and then go to my favorite corporate coffee shop for a small iced coffee. At 7:00 p.m., I sit down to watch a movie

with my family. There's a nude scene in it. Disgusting. What is this world coming to? We switch to the movie Saving Private Ryan. Finally, a wholesome family film. At 9:00 p.m., I pledge the allegiance to the flag. I pledge

allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. Finally, I take two shots of Wasmpic so I can stay skinny and that's my day.

[Applause] [Music] Bro, do think we'd still be friends if one of us was like secretly a chicken?

I don't know, man. Probably not. Like, what are the odds one of us is secretly a chicken?

Yeah. Have you ever had a dream that that you um you had you you would Sorry.

[Music] The Trader Joe's to [Music] Take my hand. Come with me, babe. Fall in love.

[Music] Oh my god, bro. Oh, hell no, man. What the [ __ ] man? Get your ass [Music] Vogue picture. Some of my boards.

Put the phone down. This is for my safety, sir. Listen to my commands. Put the phone down. This is for my life.

[Music] Hey, we're about to go home. We're going to be done soon, y'all. Not my son who's one year old taking off his other shoe and sock to control this iPad with his foot.

Not him swiping and putting on. He put on Miss Rachel. He put it on.

Hey, [Laughter] do you mind if I put in some headphones? It helps me concentrate. Yeah, no worries. Go ahead.

How to have a simple conversation with your clients. Start with a hello. Hello. [Music] Hey there. Delivery for you. Yeah.

Sorry. It's It's incredible. It's brilliant. You do makeup tutorials. Yeah. Fantastic. Seriously. Yeah. I was like, "Wait a minute." Okay.

No. It's always at the worst time the bell rings. I was like, "Oh, no. No. No.

Thank you. Why? He was so nice. I like being here. Y'all are nice. I went and got a water bottle yesterday and the girl goes, "Stay hydrated.

And I was like, "Stay minding your own [ __ ] business. If I'm dehydrated, I'll go to your hospital. It's free. I'm not even worried about it." Emma, it's too far. I'm sorry. We can just watch it. We can just watch.

She wants to go get the moon. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's too far. [Music] I'm sorry, baby.

It's too far, baby. It's too far. No. It's too far, Emma. Emma, no. I'm sorry.

No. Let's go. Let's go, baby. It's too far, baby. Too far, Emma. No barking, please.

You see the moon? You enjoying your new bed? Yeah. It's like the biggest milestone of my entire life was birth, then graduation, then this bed. What about our marriage? Our kids births. What? It was a joke.

You have stages in your life. You know, your birth, graduation. You start off in a in a little crib as a baby. Mhm. And then you go to the the twin, which I still don't understand. It just totally skips sing unless there is

a single bed that I don't know of. I have no idea. It probably is. And then it goes to queen. Full. Oh, full. That's the one we slept on many years. And then queen. And then now look at us. A

kingsiz bed. Shelby, we're on top of the world. You might as well give us a crown. You know how long I've waited for a king-sized bed? You know my nickname's king. Who? me. It's kind of like a me in

the bathroom by myself looking in the mirror like you got this, King. Please don't tell anybody.

Just kidding. On top of just having a roomy bed where I don't have to touch you, right? Look at this. It's like a spaceship. I mean, if the right engineer had this bed, they'd probably take off through the roof. It only took us 30

years, but here we are. We finally hit our end goal. Is that it? Well, that's the goal. That's all we had to look forward to. It may have taken us 30 years, but did you have to get the one

with the remote? You know, I have a bad back. Are you straight, gay, or something else? Uh, I'm Hungarian. What do you look for in a person?

Uh, Latina. Like one specific human trait like a woman could have. What What would you like in a woman? Kind and a Latina. Do you speak Spanish? Speak Spanish. If you married a Latina, would you be able to hold it down? Yes.

Linguistically? Yes. Nice, funny, and Latino. All right, guys. There's something wrong with my eyes. There's something seriously wrong with my eyes. Cuz like, what did I see in him? What did I see in store?

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I think that was an earthquake.

Here comes the tickle monster. He's coming. Tickle monster. Tickle, tickle, tickle. Thank you, sir. Tickle, tickle, tickle.

I never lose a tickle fight. You want to get in one? No. What do you want? A chocolate. You want what? Want chocolate? Oh, your poor thing.

[Applause] You want to come outside? Okay. Come on. [Music] Okay. [Laughter] What? Oh, are you mad we were outside without you?

Are you mad? I'm sorry, buddy. You okay now? Oh. Oh. You okay now? I love these rocks. You're so good.

You're so good. See how we're taking a walk outside when we're feeling overwhelmed? Yes. Very demure. Very deure. Very mindful. Very mindful. Very cutesy. Very cutesy.

That's my garage. Society of boomers could say, "Keep your hands still." Oh god. Jesus.

Chipoti what correctly I can't read it Julia I can't read that chipot chipoti chipoti correctly really sticky go Oh, I mean He liked it.

He wants more. Oh, yeah. He liked it. Yeah. How How How old are you? I'm 80. I'm good. I'm 83.

80 and three. And you're almost 100. That's right. And then you're going to be dead, Eli.

I hope so. No. Hi everyone. Football season is finally here. But this year, my priority is my beautiful and perfect girlfriend. Football is dumb and stupid anyway. And I don't even care about my fake little dumb stupid fancy football

league. It's for losers and babies. Anyone who puts football Sunday over their girlfriend is immature and needs to grow up. Is that good? Am I done?

It's a beautiful dress. How are you? How are you over here? How are you? How are you?

How are you guys? Good. So, bro, quick question. I'm looking for something around here called the No, no, no. The the the It's like like a restaurant, I think. The No, no, the No the What?

[Music] Privacy. This is what you do. I'm just emotional. Like literally, this is what you do like 12 hours before your period.

[Laughter] Best ways to say no to drugs and still look cool. Hey, we're going to smoke some of that skanky. Want some? Uh, no.

I actually care about my family. No. No. A thousand times no. Uh-uh. Hey, try some of this stinky stinky loud pack. No way. Uganda gremlin.

Ask me again in a billion years. What? Oh, there. No thanks. I like my peaceful brain. One isn't really a saying, but it's more of a dance.

Oh my god. What's good? What's good? Oh, you don't got to be like that, bro.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You got a great shirt. I like the way you dress. You cool? You cool? What's your name? Cat. Nice to meet you again. Nice to meet you. Yeah.

Yeah. So, I'm a trans female and I asked my mom, "Are you going to be there for me when I get my boobs?" And she said, "Yes." You already got them low.

[Music] Riley, be careful. It's super slippery out here because of the snow. No, I think you're cute.

Take a picture. What are you doing? Do you want milk? You want milk? Yes.

Daddy. Hello. Do you ever call me Alyssa? No. Do I ever call you Jason?

No. It's weird, right? Weird. Weird. Is there anything worse than when like someone's like, "What are you doing tonight?" And you're like, "Oh, I have to do laundry and like, you know, go grocery shopping." And you're like, "Oh,

well, you can do that later." I'm like, "No, I can't do it. It's a scheduled event." Okay. I have to check it off my to-do list. I can't do it later. No. No.

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? Well, enzyme helps each other. You can't hear an enzyme.

You can't hear hormon. [Music] Why is her blush so goddamn prominent? Like she needs a different blush or blend it better or something. Like that's just a striped line. She looks like a damn cheetah. Or not cheetah, like a like a tiger.

You turned around and you literally took my breath away. Did you? I literally like I got shallow breath. Your hair did this and you gave me this like this like you were like a model for a second. Oh

my god. [Music] When you feel boring in the house but you have father. Father. Hi. Hi. Good luck. Why?

[Laughter] Have a good day. You too, bro. Do me a favor. Hold Hold this just right up next to your Just hold this right next to your picture of you when you were younger.

I don't want Look, look directly at me. [Music] I'm sorry. There should be. I'm so sorry.

You could have been a 90s heartthrob. Could have been. I gave Jeffrey your number. Okay. What did he say? I said, "Jeffrey, I got something for you." And he grinny goes, "What?" I said, "If you ever get bored,

have someone you need to run around with. We got you on that, too." I hand him your number. He goes, "Thank you, ma'am." I'm going to try to sing underwater. I can't do it.

I have a joke that will knock your boobs off. Oh, you've already heard it.

Hey Nikki, that's a cool robe. Isn't that Linda's though? Yes, that is my robe. Why are you taking my robe? What are you talking about? You never asked.

This is literally mine. No, it's not. I have the same we don't. literally bought the same one. Yes, we did. You told me you had in my closet and you closet bought this myself. Go get the ball and put it up.

Well, there she is. The absolute love of my life. I am so lucky I am married to her. We need to go. What? We need to go.

I just destroyed that bathroom. Can we go? Just when I thought I couldn't be anymore.

Oh my god. Just when I thought I couldn't be more in love with you, you just want up yourself.

Welcome home, Eller. Beller. You guys suck. Oh, yeah. That's pretty funny coming from someone who hasn't played the last four races. What? What are you talking about, dude? It's literally split screen. How did you even think you were in there?

What a little loser. Dad, you're not even holding the remote the right way. You're holding it like a TV remote. No, that's it. You guys suck. You guys are [ __ ] Hey. Hey, I'm in verse.

[Music] Who did I put on? You put Peter up. [Music] Are you sure? My sister's Chihuahua requires everyone to say good night to her. Good night.

Bye. Have a good night, Cha. Bye. Kick rocks kid. Go up. Go ahead. You're good. You're doing a good It's fine. You're not going to miss out. Good night.

Have a good sleep. You don't like notification. [Music] Want to be toxic? Make a fake Snapchat account and add only them. You can see their whole snap list on quick ad.

It's the whole bottle. It's one glass, Christie. And then it goes back inside. That's nasty.

out of line. [Music] I just think it's so funny that my face was so warm and then I ended up crying.

My life. You don't get to take that from me. [Music] You can't get me.

[Music] You give me a [Applause] [Music] Hold on. I can't see this. Hold on. Hold on. Where is it?

Where is it? Come on. How much does he about? Three and a half. 4 mil.

[Music] Dude, the mask this year looks so scary. Like the terrifier and then Saw as well.

Well, the killer, the pumpkins, Texas massacre. Like they have all of these. Was it worth it to be happy for a little bit even though it ended up sad?

All right, here's your cotton candy. I'm sorry. I actually didn't want any whipped cream. Oh, I'm so sorry about that.

You hardly touch your apple juice, bro. You all right? About how they're so jealous of my hair and [ __ ] but honestly, it's kind of annoying how long it is. I don't know.

What do you guys think? Should I switch it up or what? Cheese. Say cheese. I'm not playing your games.

Okay. I'm so sorry. [Music] [Music] Hey, y'all trying to get something to eat? Why don't y'all stop talking?

I will throw you into the back seat almost immediately. Okay, it puts it in the hand.

Please don't fall. I'm trying not to react while this lady is walking by with her child. Now is not the time. Satan, Lord, remember that one time I held that door for that lady and she lost her cane? You remember when I did all those

good things for you? This is my impression of a raccoon getting caught in the trash. if [Music] if it Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You did it though. You did it though. You I'm sorry. That was you though. I didn't do nothing. I heard it. They They heard it too. Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be mocking you. Shouldn't be

mocking you. That's on me. That was on me. So, this is a head scratcher.

Y'all ever been so [ __ ] sad you let the crusty white family dog lay in your bed, would you?

Leave me the [ __ ] alone, woman. Oh my god. Who is that? Don't poke her.

Is that Scotty? Be gentle. Oh. Yo, come on, man. I can't have [ __ ] in your pocket. I don't know. Why don't you check?

[Applause] That was awesome. What's in the other pocket? A gun. Hey, girl. Where'd you get that skirt? I like it.

Hey, get over here. [Music] I was sitting here to uh fix the ice cream machine. This video is for my boss, Johnny Sins.

this thing working. You don't need a touch like this because I got to fix the ice. Another tells me that you need help with your homework.

Let's go ahead and do it and stop standing around. Why are you standing there looking at me and not doing your homework? Let's do some math. Sit down.

Four divided by two. This is pretty easy. Oh my gosh. How are you in the eighth grade? How?

How have you made it this far? You truly are my child. This is a division sign, not an Look up at me now. Not an addition sign. Right. Now, say you're sorry you get it wrong. Sorry. It's okay. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Okay. What is that? That's a letter. Oh my gosh. All right. Fine. Fine. We're going to do the next equation. Pretty simple. So, let's let's look at it. So, uh so this is like it's like a a snake. So, that's Satan

and the S is for sin. And then this kind of looks like a cross. So, the answer to this, hey, get on get on my head. Get on my head.

My name is Shauna and I'm going to show you how to close any customer before they even come inside to see numbers.

Please, please, please. If you don't buy this, I'm going to kill. [Music] Um, this is interesting. Never had this done before. What? It's full service.

Okay. Uh, last night was cool. You're a cool girl. Get out. Um I mean, yeah, you got my number, so uh who knows? Maybe I'll see you around the neighborhood right?

Get out. All right. Hey, have a good weekend. Bye. Name something you like your girlfriend to do to your face. I want to say sit on. Yes.

Sit down. Hello. Hi.