Speaker A
Jessica: Hi, glad to be here. All right, let's jump right into it. Um, what is a bid, and why should couples know about it?
Couples therapist Jessica explains 'bids for connection' (positive, missed, failed) and how small everyday moments shape relationship quality. Stephanie adds that happy couples turn toward bids ~80% o
Key Takeaways
- Bids for connection are everyday small moments that build or erode relationship quality.
- Missed and failed bids accumulate and can create distance, resentment, and hurt.
- Turning toward partners' bids consistently is strongly associated with happy couples.
- Seeking help early for connection issues is better than waiting years for repair.
What the video covers
- A 'bid for connection' is any verbal or nonverbal attempt to get a partner's attention or engagement, and these small moments matter a lot in relationships.
- A positive bid is acknowledged and responded to, such as a partner replying 'Oh yeah, it is sunny out' to a comment about the weather.
- A missed bid occurs when a partner is ignored or doesn't respond; alone it seems minor, but repeated missed bids plant feelings of being unheard and can create distance.
- A failed bid is met with hostility or rejection, such as being told to stop talking, which is less common but more damaging to connection.
- Couples should learn to recognize whether a comment or gesture is a bid, including nonverbal signals.
- Stephanie notes that happy couples turn toward bids about 80% of the time (based on Gottman research), and that defeated feelings arise when bids are dismissed or belittled.
- Any interaction, from conversation to complaints, can be a potential bid, making every day an opportunity to build trust and connection.
- Waiting years to address relationship hurt lets resentment build, so seeking help or repair work early is recommended.
- Counseling At ATL offers resources, website information, and phone consultations, including a free consultation with Jess.
- The speakers emphasize that small everyday moments, not grand gestures, are what really sustain a healthy relationship.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction and What Is a Bid for Connection
- 00:36Positive Bids for Connection
- 01:07Missed Bids for Connection
- 01:38Failed Bids for Connection
- 02:09Recognizing Bids in Everyday Interactions
- 02:42Happy Couples and Turning Toward Bids
- 03:13Impact of Dismissed Bids and Building Trust
- 03:43Seeking Help and Scheduling Consultations
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
partner's attention or have that little moment throughout the day um and there's several different kinds of bids for connection there's a positive bid for connection so if you make a comment saying like oh look it's sunny out and your partner
Speaker A
So, a bid is so, so important for couples, because it's how you can get your partner's attention or have that little moment throughout the day. Um, and there's several different kinds of bids for connection. There's a positive bid for connection. So if you make a comment saying, like, "Oh, look, it's sunny out," and your partner responds, "Oh yeah, it is sunny out," that's a bid for connection, because your partner was able to get their attention. There was a little moment right there.
Speaker A
make if your partner makes a comment and they don't respond back or they feel ignored um that might not seem like a significant thing in the moment but the more that happens it kind of plants that feed in your mind of in your mind like
Speaker A
There's also a missed bid for connection. So if your partner makes a comment and they don't respond back, or they feel ignored, um, that might not seem like a significant thing in the moment. But the more that happens, it kind of plants that feeling in your mind, like, "Why would I try to interact with my partner if I'm just met with silence?" So there's a lot of those missed bids for connection that can really cause distance or some hurt within a couple.
Speaker A
for connection so your partner reaches out saying oh look it's sunny out and they're like would you stop talking to me i am trying to focus on i don't know facebook or whatever the case is and your partner is like
Speaker A
And then the last one is a failed bid for connection. So your partner reaches out saying, "Oh, look, it's sunny out," and you're like, "Would you stop talking to me? I am trying to focus on, I don't know, Facebook or whatever the case is." And your partner is like, "Oh, I was just commenting on the weather. Fine, I'll never talk to you ever again." They go and slam the door. That's a failed bid. It doesn't really happen very often, and it doesn't cause that connection.
Speaker A
for couples to recognize oh is this a bid for connection or is my partner either verbal or non-verbal giving me these signals to connect great well thank you for that jess um it's really helpful i think like you're
Speaker A
And so it's really, really important for couples to recognize, "Oh, is this a bid for connection? Or is my partner, either verbally or non-verbally, giving me these signals to connect?"
Speaker A
time we know statistically they're turning towards those bids and they're they're trying to be responsive even if you for less that it's sunny outside and you're like oh can't they see i'm reading my newspaper here you know um
Speaker A
Stephanie: Great, well, thank you for that, Jess. It's really helpful. I think, like you're saying, to think of everything, every interaction, every day, that you have with your partner, or do around them, or don't do, is really building the quality of connection between you. Happy couples are making lots of bids, and for the most part, like 80% of the time, we know statistically they're turning towards those bids and they're trying to be responsive. Even if you're fine with it being sunny outside, and you're like, "Oh, can't they see I'm reading my newspaper here?"
Speaker A
worse puts you down for even trying to connect so um thank you for explaining what a bid for connection is and how it can go well how it can wrong and hopefully couples who are listening to this can start to think of again any
Speaker A
But it is very defeating, and it really feels bad as a human when you're trying to start a conversation, or you're asking something, or you even want to complain about something, and your partner either ignores you or dismisses it, or even worse, puts you down for even trying to connect. So, thank you for explaining what a bid for connection is and how it can go well, and how it can go wrong. And hopefully couples who are listening to this can start to think, again, anything, any time they're talking, anytime they're interacting, is a potential bid for connection, a time to really show up and turn towards your partner. And that really does build trust and connection and joy in terms of making a relationship feel right.
Speaker A
right so yes and um if couples are struggling with this um i know that this is a a big part of your work with couples um how can they schedule with you if if they're interested in say maybe working on their
Speaker A
So, yes. And, um, if couples are struggling with this, I know that this is a big part of your work with couples. How can they schedule with you if they're interested in, say, maybe working on their quality of connection and their emotional engagement in their relationship?
Speaker A
i mean a lot of people wait until like five years go by or seven years or ten years and so much hurt has been building up and so it's really important to seek help or do a lot of that repair
Speaker A
Jessica: Yeah. And so it's really important in reaching out and seeking some help, because it's never too late to seek some help or to do some repair work. A lot of people wait until five years go by, or seven years, or ten years, and so much hurt has been building up. So it's really important to seek help or do a lot of that repair work when things happen, or when you have that missed bid for connection. It can lead to a lot of resentment, or if not, it can just cause more of a negative perspective within relationships. So if you're struggling with any of this, or don't know how to repair it, or don't recognize what those bids for connection are, reach out for some help. There are some great resources. You can go to our website, and we can have phone consultations here, things like that.
Speaker A
this or knowing what a repair what how to repair it or to recognize like what are those bids for connection reach out for some help there's some great resources you can go to our website you can we can have phone consultations here
Speaker A
It's very, very common for people to not recognize what these bids for connection are, and I love this one, because it's those little moments that really matter. It's not the big grand gestures, it's those little moments. So I would encourage you, if you and your partner are struggling with any kind of those bids for connection, reach out. It's very easy to do a lot of that repair work in order to have a healthy and successful relationship.
Speaker A
those little moments and so i would encourage if you're struggling you and your partner are struggling with any kind of like those bids for connection reach out it's very easy to do a lot of that repair work um
Speaker A
Stephanie: Great, thank you, Jess. And you can schedule a free consultation with Jess or learn about her on our website at www.counselingatl.com. Thanks so much.
Topics:bids for connectioncouples therapyGottman methodrelationship communicationemotional engagementmissed bidsrelationship repaircouples counselingemotional connectionCounseling ATL
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