Speaker A
so I'm sitting on the couch folding laundry and listening to my audiobook. I'm 34 seconds of the way into this book, and as you readers know, what that means? I am deep into the best part of the story.
A parent explains the Gottmans' 'bid for connection' concept through everyday examples, showing how turning toward or away from others' bids shapes relationships.
Key Takeaways
- Bids for connection are everyday, often subtle requests for attention and care.
- Turning toward bids consistently builds trust, acceptance, and closeness in relationships.
- Ignoring or turning away from bids, even unintentionally, can gradually erode relationships through resentment.
- Paying attention to small moments of connection is a practical way to strengthen relationships.
What the video covers
- The speaker is folding laundry while listening to an audiobook when her son walks in with an exasperated sigh, which she identifies as a bid for connection.
- John and Julie Gottman define a bid for connection as any attempt to get attention, affection, or interaction from another person.
- Bids can be verbal or nonverbal, such as sighs, physical proximity, gifts, drawings, or acts of service like cleaning unasked.
- Making a bid is vulnerable, as it involves asking implicitly whether the other person will acknowledge, connect, and care.
- Responding to a bid can be 'turning toward' (acknowledging and validating) or 'turning away' (ignoring or not responding).
- Turning toward makes the other person feel cared for, accepted, and valued.
- Turning away, especially repeatedly, can build resentment and damage the relationship.
- Sometimes bids are missed entirely without the responder even noticing, such as a child asking to play tag while the speaker washes dishes.
- The Gottmans found that relationship masters respond to about 86% of bids, while struggling couples respond to about 33%.
- The speaker challenges listeners to notice bids throughout the day, including ones they make themselves, and respond in ways that make others feel valued.
Chapters
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
it's like I'm not even folding clothes anymore I am in the cemetery with Voldemort and Cedric diory and Harry Potter when my son walks into the room lets out an exas at thigh and slouches onto the pile of clean
Speaker A
It's like I'm not even folding clothes anymore. I am in the cemetery with Voldemort and Cedric Diggory and Harry Potter when my son walks into the room, lets out an exasperated sigh, and slouches onto the pile of clean clothes.
Speaker A
and Julie gotman describe as um a bid for connection these two are gurus in the relationship world and this is my fourth inspiring nugget of the week so my son here is reaching out to me asking for a connection if you didn't want to
Speaker A
I have two choices here, right? I can give him the look and continue listening to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, or I can pause my book and ask him what's up. Now, my son has done what doctors John and Julie Gottman describe as a bid for connection. These two are gurus in the relationship world, and this is my fourth inspiring nugget of the week.
Speaker A
connection is vulnerable it's like placing your heart in your hands and holding it out to another person are you going going to acknowledge me are you going to connect with me do you actually care about me all these things are kind
Speaker A
So my son here is reaching out to me, asking for a connection. If he didn't want to talk to me, he could have gone to his room. He could have read a book. He could have practiced basketball outside. But he didn't. He came into the living room and flopped onto the couch I was sitting on. Now, making a bid for connection is vulnerable. It's like placing your heart in your hands and holding it out to another person. Are you going to acknowledge me? Are you going to connect with me? Do you actually care about me? All these things are kind of going through your head, consciously or subconsciously, when you make a bid for connection.
Speaker A
maybe some non-verbal communication maybe bringing a gift home flowers or your child bringing a picture they colored for you maybe it's an AC of serving cleaning something without being asked when we are presented with a bid for connection there's a couple ways
Speaker A
Now, bids for connection can look many different ways. They could be a sigh or another sound like that. It could be physical proximity, maybe some non-verbal communication, maybe bringing a gift home, flowers, or your child bringing a picture they colored for you. Maybe it's an act of service, cleaning something without being asked.
Speaker A
example um my husband is fabulous at ex of service and so the other night I came home home after a long day and I noticed that he had cleaned the stove top and um and I acknowledged it right away I was
Speaker A
When we are presented with a bid for connection, there are a couple ways that it could go. We could turn towards, and this means that you acknowledge the bid, that you validate the feelings, you respond to their vulnerability, and what will happen is the person will then feel cared for, accepted, important, worthy.
Speaker A
hopefully makes him feel like I notice the things that he does for me and that those things are important to me now the second way that this could go is to turn away from and so if again he had done
Speaker A
For example, my husband is fabulous at acts of service, and so the other night I came home after a long day and I noticed that he had cleaned the stovetop, and I acknowledged it right away. I was like, "Oh babe, you cleaned the top of the stove, thank you so much!" And he was like, "Yeah, you know, whatever." But just reacting, just saying it as soon as I noticed it, validated that he did it for me and hopefully makes him feel like I notice the things that he does for me and that those things are important to me.
Speaker A
trying to win me back by doing this active service and so I don't say anything I'm like huh I noticed that he did that but I'm just going to keep going along in my day now what that can
Speaker A
Now, the second way this could go is to turn away from. So if again he had done the stovetop and I came home and I noticed it but I didn't say anything, maybe I'm frustrated at him for something that happened a while ago, and I'm thinking, "Oh great, now he's just trying to win me back by doing this act of service." So I don't say anything. I'm like, "Huh, I noticed that he did that, but I'm just going to keep going along in my day." What that can do is build resentment. If he's done this thing but I don't acknowledge it, I don't respond to it at all, again he's holding out his heart for me and I'm like, "You know, I don't really care." I'm sure you can think of a time that you have done the same thing when you know that you should have responded but you turned away from the bid for connection.
Speaker A
of a time that you have done the same thing when you know that you should have responded but you turned away from the bid for cont for the bid for connection now sometimes we miss entirely like we don't even realize that it happened so
Speaker A
Now, sometimes we miss entirely. We don't even realize that it happened. So the other day, those really nice days before it got all stormy, one of my sons wanted me to come outside and play tag with them. Now, I detest tag. He's getting fast enough that I actually can't always catch him, and so I said no and I just kept washing the dishes. Oh my gosh, he just wanted me to spend time with him. He was just saying, "Mom, I care about you, will you spend some time with me?"
Speaker A
and I just kept washing the dishes like oh my gosh he just wanted me to spend time with him he was just saying mom I care about you will you spend some time with me now according to the Gans masters of
Speaker A
According to the Gottmans, masters of relationships respond to 86% of bids for connection. Not 100%, just 84% of the time. And those who are really bad at their relationships respond to 33% of the bids for connection. So I want you to think about this the next time that somebody brings up the weather, or maybe makes some sort of noise or non-verbal cue, maybe they're reading or looking at their phone and they sort of snort in laughter. Maybe it is funny, but probably they want you to ask about it. They want to share a connection with you. They're holding out their heart, saying, "Do you care about me?"
Speaker A
that somebody um brings up the weather or maybe makes some sort of noise or non-verbal cue maybe they're reading or looking at their phone and they sort of snort in laughter um maybe it is funny but probably they want you to ask about
Speaker A
So today, as you go throughout the rest of your day, notice bids for connection, the ones that you put out there and the ones that others set in front of you. I challenge you to meet their vulnerability with a response that makes them feel valued. See you tomorrow.
Speaker A
there the ones that others set in front of you um I challenge you to meet their vulnerability with a response that makes them feel valued see you tomorrow
Topics:bid for connectionGottmanrelationshipsparentingturning towardactive listeningemotional connectionrelationship advicemarriagefamily communication
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