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hey guys I'm Heidi Priebe welcome back to my Channel or welcome if this is your first time here today on this channel and for the next five days of this week I'm going to talk about the concept of
Heidi Priebe introduces Shadow work, Carl Jung's concept of integrating repressed parts of the self, and links it to attachment healing and blind spots of each attachment style.
Key Takeaways
- Shadow work means consciously integrating repressed parts of the self rather than disowning them.
- Attachment healing and Shadow work overlap significantly, since both target early-learned repression.
- Repressed traits, positive or negative, drive behavior unconsciously until they are acknowledged.
- Each attachment style has a distinct shadow blind spot that requires specific integration work.
- Healing reconnects a person with their intuition and improves relationship discernment.
What the video covers
- Shadow work means working with repressed or hidden parts of the self, a concept originating with Carl Jung.
- Attachment healing is a form of Shadow work, since attachment patterns involve traits repressed early to avoid rejection.
- Repressed traits, whether negative or positive, continue operating unconsciously and can appear as self-sabotage or repeated relationship patterns.
- Jung's quote: until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
- Shadow work is not about morality; the goal is integrating all parts of the self, including selfish or judgmental ones.
- Anxious attachment often represses its own 'badness' and needs to own healthy selfishness to set boundaries.
- Avoidant attachment tends to dismiss its own negative emotions and needs, which weakens discernment in relationships.
- Projection: traits we repress are often quickly noticed and criticized in other people.
- Signs of unintegrated shadow include recurring behavioral patterns, emotional eating, and anger or shame that disrupts functioning.
- The end goal is reconnecting with intuition and trusting one's own inner information.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction to Shadow Work
- 02:00Jung's Concept of Conscious and Unconscious Self
- 04:00Repressed Traits and Unconscious Expression
- 06:00Shadow Work Is Not About Morality
- 08:00Attachment Styles and Their Shadow Blind Spots
- 10:00Signs of Unintegrated Shadow Patterns
- 12:00Projection and Examples of Shadow Integration
- 14:00Reconnecting with Intuition
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
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Shadow work so Shadow work is a term that's become I wouldn't say popular but you see it more frequently than you used to in pop culture to describe working with the parts of ourselves that we have repressed or have kind of hidden from
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ourselves inside of our own minds so the concept of Shadow work originated from Carl Young's work but it's been adapted to mean a lot of different things and there's a couple of different reasons why I wanted to talk about it today one
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it is super prevalent to attachment healing work and a lot of what we talk about on this channel is attachment healing work if you are doing true attachment healing work so what I mean by that is not learning about attachment
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theory for sport or to learn to better manipulate others but to actually heal the Deep wounds that exist within yourself you are by definition doing Shadow work attachment Theory predominantly looks at what we learned to repress very early on
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in order to not get rejected or abandoned by our caregivers and this is pretty much exactly what shadow work looks at as well but what shadow work focuses on is making those parts of our psyches that we repressed early on and
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kind of distanced ourselves from very conscious in our awareness so that we can ideally integrate those parts of ourselves and have a more sane and well-rounded experience of being alive so in short according to Young there are parts of our personalities that are very
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conscious to us right so the ways that we like to think of ourselves and the kind of terms that we would use to describe ourselves if someone else were to ask us who we are but there are also
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parts of our personality that are unconscious or repressed so these are often the things that we consciously like to think we do not have prevalent in us at all so if I kind of hinge my ego on being a good caring empathetic
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person I might not want to admit to myself or to other people that parts of me are selfish narcissistic and judgmental or whatever it is but just because we've repressed certain things from our conscious awareness does not mean that those things disappear from
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our personality they go on operating under the surface and they just affect their lives in unconscious ways so we're going to talk as this video goes on about how that can happen and what it might look like to have a part of your
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Shadow Self impacting your life without you understanding what's happening but the basic theory is when we're very young if there are certain traits that are deemed socially unacceptable in our early environments we're going to learn to disidentify with those traits tell
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ourselves that's not me that's not who I am and live our lives in a way that mostly avoids having to express those traits intentionally but those traits go on operating under the surface and expressing themselves unconsciously which can end up looking like forms of
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self-sabotage forms of confusion around why we keep attracting the same types of people or situations that we consciously think we don't want we're going to go over a wide variety of ways in which our shadow selves might show up in our lives
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as this video goes on but for now what's important to understand is that we all have parts of ourselves that we have hidden from ourselves and those hidden parts do not disappear just because we start disidentifying with them they go
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on finding ways to creatively Express themselves and meet the world just without our conscious awareness so young had a very famous quote about this that I personally absolutely love that goes until you make the unconscious conscious it will direct your life and you will
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call it fate and it's important to point out that it's not just negative things that we repress about ourselves it could be positive traits that we have in our shadow as well so this isn't about what's good and what's bad it's about
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what was useful and what was not useful for you early on in life so as this week goes on we're going to talk about not only how to look for the kind of negative or anti-social aspects of our
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shadow selves but how to look for the parts of our shadow selves that we might actually like and really enjoy integrating into our lives but that we weren't able to do early on because our primary social environments didn't make
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room for those traits even if they're positive now I want to also be clear this isn't a morality thing kind of inherent to the shadow is the idea that all humans have access to all of these parts of ourselves the parts of
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ourselves that are empathetic and pro-social but also the parts of ourselves that are very judgmental and critical and anti-social and only out for ourselves but the end goal of this is to be able to integrate all of these
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things and as the week goes on we're going to talk about why you might actually need to get in touch with some of those kind of darker or more stereotypically bad parts of yourself and bring them into conscious awareness
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in order to start behaving in a way that is more functional for you and other people so as a kind of Cole's notes of how this relates to attachment Theory I did make a video series earlier on this
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year that talks about the biggest blind spots for each attachment style so I will link those videos in the description of this one it gives a pretty good overview of what you could call the shadow of each type but very
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quickly those who are more anxious on the attachment Spectrum have a tendency to repress their own Badness so for most people who air anxious there is this need to see the self as good and innocent at any cost and the healing
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process for anxious Styles often involves getting in touch and owning the parts of yourself that are actually behaving in a selfish way healthy selfishness is needed in order to set boundaries to stand up for yourself and to protect yourself so that you're not
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chronically looking for protection from others and the more you're able to do those things and Foster a sense of self-respect and Independence the less you are accidentally chronically asking of other people which kind of makes you an easier person to be around even
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though it might not feel that way from the get-go on the flip side those on the avoidant side of the spectrum tend to have a blind spot around taking your own negative experiences and feelings seriously and this might feel like a
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good thing initially because you feel like you have learned to be resilient and to move through difficult things with ease which might even make you a more solid friend or partner for other people but in the long run you end up
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dismissing a lot of really important emotional information both in yourself and other people that could lead to better discernment about the types of relationships you engage with as well as the choices that you make for your life and with fearful avoidance you can get a
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very confusing oscillation between these two now the end goal of doing Shadow work or attachment healing work in general is being able to get back in touch with your intuition so if you have shoved a part of who you are completely
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out of your conscious awareness and disowned it that part is still going to be active in your life but you're not going to want to pay attention to it or you're not going to want to believe what it is telling you and whatever parts of
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ourselves we have disowned have important information for us that we need to integrate in order to have good discernment when we do not do Shadow work when we leave our attachment Styles unhealed what we are predominantly rubbing ourselves of is the ability to
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listen to our own intuition and to trust it so if I obsessively need to think of myself as a good innocent person and I have this idea that abandoning somebody makes me a bad person I'm going to stay
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in really unhealthy Dynamics for much much longer than the point where my intuition tells me to get out because I don't want to listen to that part of myself that I've decided is selfish because I think that all selfish
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behavior is bad and that could cause me to waste a lot of time and energy on situations that it would have been better for everybody if I had simply walked away from and there are a lot of less flattering examples of this kind of
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thing that we're going to go over as we go through this video so in short Shadow work is integrating the parts of ourselves that we have disowned and now think are bad terrible and no good and that we don't want to identify with at
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all and it's important to note that Carl Young spoke about both a personal Shadow so parts of ourselves that we have disowned and distanced ourselves from consciously but also a collective Shadow so things that certain groups of people
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or societies have come to disown and try to distance themselves from and often those things feed into themselves so this week what I'm going to be talking about is not just what's within our personal Shadows but also what seems to
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be very alive right now inside of the collective Shadow and how some of us might be abandoning or further distancing ourselves from traits that it might actually help us to integrate because we fear that integrating those parts of ourselves will lead us to
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social rejection alright so now that we've talked a little bit about what the shadow is I want to talk about where you can look for your shadow in your everyday life so if you're like okay I kind of get this in theory but I'm not
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sure how to tell where my own shadow shows up or how I could go about working with it here are some of the things you might want to consider one any pattern of behavior that feels like self-sabotage is usually the Shadow Self
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showing up so there is some need that we have denied we have that is trying to get itself fulfilled despite our conscious mind thinking that we shouldn't or don't want that thing it's like this unintegrated part of herself
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is jumping up and down going Notice Me Notice Me notice me pay attention to me give me what I need and in this way we can actually start to reframe self-sabotage as an opportunity to notice and integrate some part of our
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shadow selves so the kind of classic example of this is people feeling like I really want to lose that last 10 or 15 pounds but I just can't seem to stop emotional eating noticing that can be a kind of string that you follow into your
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Shadow what emotion that you don't want to confront front might you be soothing through emotional eating some kind of common themes I've seen in that area is anger when anger unless it is perfectly Justified is a feeling that people
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believe they shouldn't have or ought not to express they can turn to numbing behaviors to kind of down regulate from that anger the need for comfort that we feel like we maybe don't deserve or don't know how to ask for can lead to
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numbing behaviors repress shame or fear or lust anything that we feel as though we ought not to express but our body is still presenting us with can lead us to instinctively try to Source something that is going to change our state
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because if I'm really angry but I have this part of my mind that's like oh you shouldn't feel angry unless you are perfectly Justified and in this situation I don't believe you're perfectly justified in feeling your anger Ergo I'm going to try to stop you
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from noticing how angry You Are by shoving a bunch of food or alcohol or drugs or whatever it is so that your body State changes and you don't have to encounter that anger anymore which would make you a bad bad person at least
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that's what I might believe or let's say I suddenly cannot focus anytime I go to do a particular task that I feel a sense of Shame around like oh there's this one thing that I really should have done a
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long time ago and the longer and longer I go without doing it the more and more shame I feel and because I don't know how to tolerate shame because I cannot think of myself as the type of person
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who maybe would need help with this task or who doesn't do everything perfectly the more my body is going to freak out and try to instantly rescue me from that feeling of Shame by getting really distracted every time it comes up when I
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sit down to try to do that task and start thinking about how I really should have done it already so maybe there's something in my shadow around needing help or guidance that I need to integrate in order to be able to arrive
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at that task without a sense of shame that overwhelms my ability to focus so a big sign that there's something in your shadow that needs to be integrated is that you have a pattern if not multiple patterns of behavior that looks or feels
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like self-sabotage I think of self-sabotage as a neglected part of myself jumping up and down going Notice Me Notice Me notice me I need attention and if I can figure out what that part of me is and how I can integrate it even
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though I kinda hate it and really wish it was not a part of me and that I could go through the rest of my life without it that's usually the most effective and direct and long lasting route to making
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self-sabotage behaviors disappear little personal fact I am not passionate about attachment theory for attachment Theory's sake I got into attachment Theory because I felt like I was chronically self-sabotaging my life and I remember reading a line in a book by
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Judy Hollis that was talking about compulsive comfort-seeking behaviors and she was basically saying this is gonna keep happening so long as your relationship with nurturance is unnatural and I remember being like oh no that is me my relationship with
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nurturance with accepting love and care and support from other people is definitely unnatural I want to feel like I can get all of those things without anybody else's help and without ever having to admit any sort of vulnerability and because I wanted to
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stop self-sabotaging I reluctantly started learning about attachment Theory and now we're here in this place where I had to spend three years deconstructing myself psychologically but I will say my life is relatively self-sabotage free at this point which is super nice
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doesn't mean I do everything right but it does mean I have an awareness of why I'm doing most things and I look at most behaviors that I view as maladaptive as opportunities to learn and integrate more neglected parts of myself sign
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number two you might want to start doing Shadow work is that you feel like you keep attracting the same types of unhealthy relationships or unhealthy people into your life over and over again and you don't understand what you're doing wrong we're going to talk a
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lot more about this as the week goes on but a quick rule of thumb is that when we repress something in ourselves we tend to be very quick to notice it in other people and we will either hate
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them for that quality with a passion or we will feel out of our minds attracted to them because of that quality or a mix of both depending on what that quality is and how the other person exhibits it
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so if you want to know what's in your Shadow take a look at the people you love to hate so something that you see in the kind of collective Shadow a lot lately is narcissism right narcissism has become like the number number one
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word that a person cannot identify with at any cost or else they are kind of instantly dehumanized in a lot of online spaces specifically so that might be something to look at right which narcissistic traits inside of ourselves
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have we repressed or refused to acknowledge that keeps us kind of endlessly fixated on other people who display those traits openly which leads us to the third place where you might want to look for your Shadow showing up
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which is any area where you feel really morally righteous one of the most annoying parts of my healing Journey has been accepting that anytime I feel morally righteous about something there is probably some part of my shadow that
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needs to be integrated so I remember recently someone asking me for a favor that was so kind of brazen in the way that they asked it despite the fact that it would be a huge drain on my time and
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my energy and they offered absolutely nothing as a kind of trade and they didn't even ask particularly kindly they asked me kind of of like yeah of course I would just want to devote all of this time and energy to helping them out even
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though they were being a little bit rude to me in the way that they asked me and I felt so morally righteous like I just hopped right up on my high horse about how this person had all of these kind of
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narcissistic traits where they just thought that everybody was there to serve them and their emotional needs which fit with a lot of the stories I'd told myself about this person in the past and then I decided to sit with the
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feeling for a moment longer and go what is the story that I'm telling myself about asking for help what do I think the appropriate conditions to ask for help are and I realized that I have this rule around only asking for help if it
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is a perfectly Fair exchange so if there is something that I can offer the other person that is of equal value to what I'm asking of them then I can ask for help as a kind of exchange but are there
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situations if I'm really honest with myself where I have needed help and I know that I don't have something of equal value to offer the the other where I have found a way to convince myself that I am offering them something of
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equal value when in reality I'm kind of just trying to get the thing that I need out of the situation so in those situations where I convinced myself as well as the other person that this is a favor I'm doing both of us when really I
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know that I'm kind of just doing it for me is that not just a less honest version of what this person is doing I still have the part of myself like this person does that needs help from other
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people sometimes in areas where I have nothing to offer in return the difference is that I have repressed that part of myself and told myself it doesn't exist and so what happens when I need help from someone else is I make up
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a reason in my brain why it's going to be a fair exchange of services or of time or energy or whatever it is even if that's not necessarily true in reality I find a way to morally justify something
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instead of just being honest that I need something and I don't at this time have something of a equivalent value to offer in return so I'm still getting my needs met just in a way that is subtly manipulative because my shadow is at
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play rather than asking directly for the thing that I want that is unfair like this person did because I know that means I'm less likely to get it now the lesson here is not become demanding and expect everybody else to meet your needs
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when you are not doing anything for them in return the lesson is becoming aware of both of those parts of myself so I can integrate them the part that sometimes wants things from other people that I don't have a way of repaying them
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for and the part of myself that wants to be a good person who has things to offer people and in the middle is what I can actually work with right if I can be aware of the times when I need or want
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something and I don't have anything to offer the other person in return I can at least be honest and humble in the way that I ask for that thing so instead of trying to make it seem like a great deal
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for them when it's maybe secretly not a great deal for them I can humble myself and go to of people and say hey I really need help with X Y or Z or I would really appreciate it if you would spend
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some time with me hashing out this particular topic I'm asking this for my own benefit because it's important to me personally and I want to acknowledge that it might be inconvenient for you to say yes to this so I want to open up a
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conversation about what might make this worthwhile for you and then we're dealing with an honest situation right nobody's trying to demean or intimidate anybody into giving them help but nobody's asking for the help under false pretenses either and ultimately that's
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what it ends up looking like when we do things like healing or attachment style so if we are anxious and we can't bear to think of ourselves as morally bad in any way our brains are going to end up
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convincing ourselves that a lot of what we do is for other people when it's really for ourselves and to get our own needs met and if we are avoidant we're going to end up thinking that taking 100 care of our own needs and never asking
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anybody else for anything is the right thing to do when in reality we'd be building much healthier and more honest and reciprocal relationships if we were practicing vulnerability in our relationships as another example I remember one time being in a coaching
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call where I was explaining to the coach that there was this really strong judgment I held against someone in my life and I was like I think that my judgment is right and I think that if I express this judgment in the form of
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care and compassion towards this other person it might actually offer them a perspective on how their life could operate better but the reason I don't talk to them about this is because I know that I also kind of want to hurt
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them with the information if I'm being really honest with myself this is someone who in the past has been really harsh and judgmental towards me and I feel kind of morally Superior knowing that now they're in a position
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where they might need my help and the coach said why don't you tell them both of those things why don't you tell them both I have information that I think might help you with your situation and I have a lot of pent-up frustration with
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the ways that you have approached me in the past and in this interaction I'm feeling kind of morally Superior and there's a part of me that secretly kind of wants to hurt you in the way that I deliver the information and again the
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moral here is not to go in and be hurtful in the interaction the moral is to incorporate both sides of things the part of me that genuinely wants to help someone and the part of me that is hurt
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and wants to hurt them in response and bring it all into the light at once that is how we have honest interactions with people not by denying one side or the other and running away with either our feelings of martyrdom or our feelings of
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sadism but by bringing them both into our conscious awareness acknowledging there's this ugly part of myself that I don't like but it exists and then finding a way to integrate those things to find a solution that is respectful of
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ourselves and respectful of other people but it will absolutely without a shadow of a doubt cause us to Dismount our high horse so it's not going to be fun it's just going to be useful in the long run
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and in my opinion the more difficult our relationships are it's often because there's more in the shadow of that relationship so this work becomes more and more important the more we're dealing with those really challenging relationships this might look like
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family relationships intimate partner relationships the ones that really trigger us tend to be the ones that have the most in the shadow which brings us to the fourth place that people often recommend looking at in order to do
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Shadow work which is our triggers now I have a bit of a conflicted feeling around this in the same event of trigger is a word that we use to describe two things in my opinion at this point in
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pop psychology one is a genuine trauma trigger when you are having a trauma trigger in the PTSD sense of the term it means your coping mechanisms are currently overwhelmed in that state your conscious mind is not really capable of
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making sense of things in the way that it can when you are in a regulated state so I personally get frustrated when I hear people say things like work with your triggers or let your triggers be the doorway to understanding yourself
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more deeply that can be true but it's not going to be true in the moment that you are triggered in the moment of trigger your coping mechanisms are by definition overwhelmed what you need to do is find a way to re-regulate yourself
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and then you can potentially follow the threads of your trigger back to what instigated it but there is this other way that we use the word trigger in pop culture lately which I'm also fine with I just think we need to differentiate
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the two and the second way people tend to use the word trigger seems to me to be more akin to just describing having a very strong emotional reaction very strong emotional reactions are indeed very often a product of the Shadow
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coming online and that can be a great place to look at your Shadow stuff the difference and this is important is that when we are looking at things like attachment wounds attachment Styles or strategies are about the ways that we
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adapted effectively to our early environment so if I grew up in a hostile household and I learned showing negative emotion is consistently met with contempt or rejection or whatever it is I will learn to not show negative emotion and that will actually be an
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Adaptive response in the environment that I exist within air go it is not a trauma response now can you have attachment trauma yes absolutely but attachment strategies are by definition about figuring out what works in our early environment without our nervous
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system getting completely overwhelmed in the process versus when you are having a trauma response when a trauma trigger has gone off you are responding in a way that is disruptive to your normal adaptive strategy your normal coping mechanisms which absolutely include your
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attachment strategy are overwhelmed and disrupted when you're experiencing a trauma response so we need to be able to differentiate between when we are triggered into our attachment patterning versus when we are having a trauma trigger something that triggers us into
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our attachment patterning means we're being triggered into a state that once worked for us and got us what we want the opposite of which we may have pushed into our shadow a trauma trigger is something that overwhelms our ability to
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cope or to behave strategically even unconsciously so trauma does absolutely usually indicate something that is in the shadow of our awareness but it's going to be a little bit more difficult to work with and it's probably probably something you're going to need the help
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of a trained professional to really get down to the bottom of and the reason I want to make that clear is because it just feels crappy if you hear people talking about triggers and they're actually talking about the second type
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of trigger when you're experiencing the first type there can be all of this kind of inner critic stuff that comes online and goes why can't I learn from this why can't I get the lessons out of my triggers like other people seem to be
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getting it might be because you are both using the same word to describe two very different things that being said the two can interact with each other and impact the expression of each other so it's complicated the point I'm making here is
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just that yes triggers can provide us with very important information but don't beat yourself up if you feel like when you get triggered you're not able to think clearly or rationally enough to get that important information out of
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the situation right away some triggers are a lot easier to work with than other ones but when it comes to that kind of pop culture definition of the word triggered which we tend to use to describe having a very abnormally strong
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emotional response to something so getting really angry in a situation where we recognize that other people might not feel that level of anger or feeling really self-righteous or whatever it is that's usually a great opportunity to examine what might be in
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our shadow what about this do I find so absolutely unpalatable and what might that mean about what part of myself I need to bring into my conscious awareness and learn to integrate which brings us to the last place that I
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recommend we start looking for our shadow which is in the projections that we make both positive and negative about other people so the people that we feel the most disdain for contempt towards who we feel the greatest desire to
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change like something about that person is not okay or not right and I need to make sure they know it or I need to help them fix it that's often an indication that there's something in our shadow that we're refusing to look at in
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ourselves but that we see very clearly in other people and the more it feels like there's no way that thing's a part of me the more it probably is you've just shoved it out of your conscious awareness but also the ways in which we
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idealize other people so on this channel we talk a lot about limerence right which is a sense of romantic obsession with someone else that can be our shadow selves begging us to integrate a part of ourselves that we have not allowed
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ourselves to experience because it was not adaptive in the social environments we were raised in and we might get really fixated on wanting or feeling like we need someone else to be a part of our Lives if they're strongly
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displaying this trait that we have learned to repress in ourselves but that we really want in our life some part of us knows to be whole I need this trade in my life but if that trade exists in
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our shadow we're going to look for its fulfillment in other people rather than nurturing it in ourselves we probably believe it doesn't exist in ourselves and we can only get it in other people but we're going to talk a lot more about
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that as the week goes on so the natural question that all of this raises is how do I do Shadow work and there's no one perfect answer to this there are a lot of different books you can buy and
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courses you can take that will help you figure out what's in your Shadow but when it comes to working with the shadow it's all going to depend on what it is that's coming up but the good news is
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you might already be doing Shadow work you're just not calling it that so if you are doing attachment healing work again in the true sense of the term so you are actually integrating the parts of yourself that were not acceptable in
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your early caregiving environment you are already doing Shadow work if you are doing inner child work and you're working on integrating and caring for the parts of yourself that you view as kind of irrational or immature you are
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doing Shadow work if you are working with parts of yourself that you have historically felt a lot of Shame around and tried to keep hidden from other people you are probably already doing Shadow work most work around dealing
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with triggers is Shadow work as is most work around learning to unpack why we self-sabotage and integrating the parts of ourselves that are trying to express themselves in ways that we do not necessarily like so a lot of the work
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that you might already be doing if you're doing any sort of healing or self-improvement work is likely to fall in the shadow work category again as long as it's about integrating and welcoming in the parts of yourself that
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you historically have tried to distance from yourself and then of course there's stuff that's not Shadow work anytime you just feel like you're building and building and building your ego in a way that feels great all of the time you're
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probably not doing Shadow work and that's also okay we don't always need to be doing Shadow work to be making positive improvements in our life but we do want to start doing it if we feel like we're kind of out of control of
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where our lives are going we don't understand why we keep ending up in the same unhealthy situations time and time again and we would like to feel like we are more in the driver's seat of where our life is headed because we keep
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trying to get out of our own way instead of inviting our full self into the car and taking all of those parts of ourselves that we currently might see as the problem with us on the journey all right that's all I'm going to say about
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Shadow work for today as always leave any comments thoughts questions you have in the comment section of this video we will get more into the nitty-gritty of what shadow work looks like as the week goes on in the meantime I love you guys
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I hope you're taking care of yourselves and each other and your inner children so your Shadow selves and I will see you back here again tomorrow foreign [Music]
Topics:shadow workCarl Jungattachment healingattachment stylesrepressed emotionsself-sabotageprojectionintuitionanxious attachmentavoidant attachment
