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Hey guys, I'm Heidi Prib. Welcome back to my channel, or welcome if you're new here. For the past month or so on this channel, we've been talking about resilience. And I was more or less ready to put this series to bed and move on to
Heidi Priebe explains using an 'ideals audit' to grieve outdated ideals behind depression and cynicism, expanding awareness beyond the 'black patch' of the wall.
Key Takeaways
- Depression often signals grief for an ideal that has expired, not simply a wrong way of seeing.
- Use an ideals audit to identify what you hold onto out of habit or past desire rather than present alignment.
- Allowing grief for outdated ideals naturally expands perspective and restores energy and creativity.
- Validate the accurate part of yourself while recognizing it may be only one part of the whole picture.
What the video covers
- Heidi Priebe frames depression as fixation on one dark patch of a wall, a metaphor from a counselor's training she attended during her psychology degree.
- The core idea is that the dark patch often once represented a bright hope or ideal that has since expired and needs to be grieved.
- She introduces the 'ideals audit,' a set of reflective questions used to surface ideals no longer aligned with one's life.
- A key question asks what we hold onto because we want to want it, and whether we can let it go.
- Her personal example: she loved making YouTube videos, but in 2024 she felt misaligned with creating during hardship; taking a break revealed that meaning comes from truth-seeking, not the platform itself.
- Another question asks what we are right about that we may be mistaking for the whole picture, validating the part of us that sees the dark patch accurately.
- She discusses the grief of losing a relationship and the importance of allowing the statement 'I am losing the best thing I've ever had' to be felt fully.
- Questions explore whether internal truths are congruent with external behavior, and whether a strategy for getting what we want is actually working against it.
- She emphasizes that depressive periods can be liminal spaces where reality reorganizes, and that the process is frustrating but ultimately generative.
- The overall message is that emotional states like depression and cynicism are signals to be explored with compassion rather than argued away.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction and Series Context
- 02:00The Black Patch of the Wall Metaphor
- 04:00Introducing the Ideals Audit
- 06:00Questions on Letting Go of Held Ideals
- 08:00Personal Example: Letting Go of YouTube as Identity
- 12:00Questions on Being Right and Whole Picture Thinking
- 15:00Grieving a Lost Relationship
- 22:00Congruence Between Inner Truth and Outer Life
- 28:00Liminal Spaces and Closing Reflections
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
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the next one. But there was a particular video that kept getting requested over and over again in the comments section that I figured this series was probably just incomplete without. So, I made a couple of videos that talked about
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moving through periods of either depression or hardship. And in both cases, I talked about something that I like to do called an ideals audit. So when I find myself in a valley of depression or in a prolonged state of
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just feeling disconnected from myself my emotions, my life, what the world seems to want for me. This is a practice that I like to do to start drawing my attention towards the areas where I might be hanging on to ghosts from the
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past in the form of ideals or hopes that I had for my life that I haven't realized have long expired. And I want to start this off with a story from a training that I went to over 10 years
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ago when I was doing my undergraduate degree in psychology. And I was working as a peer support person for my university's counseling service. So they had an after hours network where people who were struggling with something when therapists were not available for dropin
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hours could go talk to a student volunteer who would just kind of sit with them and be present with them in whatever it was that they were experiencing distress around. And in order to become one of these peer
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volunteers, I went to a series of trainings that were led by my school's counseling network. And I'll never ever forget one particular training where a counselor who specialized in depression came into the training room. And the first thing he did was take a black
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piece of construction paper and tape it onto the wall. And the wall of the room was very large and expansive. And I think it was painted a soft kind of beige color. And he said, "When you have someone in front of you who is dealing
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with depression, they are only able to see this much of the wall." And he took his hands and he framed where he had put that black piece of construction paper up. And he said, "Your job is not to sit
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there and tell them, actually, you're wrong and the wall is beige. The wall as far as they can see it, is black.
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Your only job is to help them steadily expand their point of view until they can see beyond this one patch of wall.
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The reason this felt like such a powerful metaphor for me and continues to is because the question that I was left with at the end of that session was why would this person, whoever it is that we're talking about, whether it's
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someone coming into the counseling session or ourselves when moving through depressive episodes, why would we get so fixated on this one part of the wall that is dark?
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And it dawned on me that to that person or to ourselves when we're going through these periods, that dark patch of the wall might once have looked really bright and filled with hope. Maybe that patch of the wall represents something
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that we once put our blinders on to focus on really intently because at a different point in time, it looked really beautiful. Maybe that patch of the wall represents a really wild and courageous hope that we once had for our
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lives. And the reason we are so trained on it is because it's taking us time to accept and recognize that it's no longer working out. And this is a metaphor that I have turned to time and time and time
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again as I've navigated my own periods of depression in life. It's not that I'm crazy or wrong or incorrect when I feel so certain that everything is going to go wrong forever if I keep walking down this path that I'm going down. And my
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job is not to argue with myself and tell myself, "How could you possibly be so unhappy?", or "How, could, you, possibly feel so disconnected?" My job is to accept that my field of vision has gotten trained on a particular part of
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my life or my hopes or my dreams for my own life that actually truly might need to be grieved. And once I can find whatever it is that I am stuck on that needs to be grieved and let go of naturally my field
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of vision always expands beyond it and starts seeing the rest of the wall. And so, today,, what, we're, going to, be, talking about with some more concrete examples of this is which questions we can ask ourselves to start surfacing things
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inside of us like ideals we've been holding on to that might no longer fit inside of our lives. So this is the process that I call doing an ideals audit. I just wanted to give a kind of sampler platter of some of the questions
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that I use to start pinpointing what's no longer working in my life so that I can get back in reality and take stock of all of the possibilities that exist within my current reality. The first question is what in my life am I holding
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on to because I want to want it or because I once really really wholeheartedly in an embodied way did want it but that some part of me knows I don't actually want anymore. And the second part of this
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question is can I let that go? And the reason why this is such an important question to ask ourselves is because it deliberately goes into our unconscious minds and starts searching for areas where we don't feel aligned anymore with
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the things that we are doing that we once felt super giga aligned with. And the problem, the kind of trick that our minds love to play on us is when we find a person or a situation or a job or
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whatever it is that we love, we tend to mistakenly assume that the love we have for that thing is located inside of the thing. Okay? So bear with me on this. So the cleanest example for me is that I
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love being on YouTube. It is one of the true joys of my life that I get to share with the world. Things that I'm learning and metabolizing that are able to help me move through the world more effectively. And there was a period last
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year in 2024 when I was going through some immense personal challenges. And something I noticed was that suddenly I was not feeling aligned with creating the way that I usually did. So I would sit down to film a video and it would
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feel like I couldn't concentrate. My brain was just like this tangle of wires that would not straighten themselves out and allow me to see clearly what I was wanting to communicate. And I felt so overwhelmed and stressed by this because
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so much else in my life was going wrong. And I wanted to have this one thing that I knew I loved that I could keep with me. And yet it was undeniable to me that something about it was just not working
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for me anymore. And when I went through that process of doing an ideals audit and asking myself, what do I want to want but just truly do not want right now? That was the thing that kept coming up. I want to take a break from
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creating. I finally allowed myself to take a break. And I allowed myself a long period of laying low and mourning what was going on in my life and dealing with the challenging situations that I was moving through head on. And on the
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other side of that, all of a sudden, I noticed my energy returning to me. And I noticed that I suddenly had a lot of things I did want to talk about and share about on YouTube again. And I
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realized that allowing myself to let this go as my ideal, as the thing that I thought was giving my life so much meaning allowed me to expand my perspective and realize that YouTube is not the thing that gives my life
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meaning. What gives my life meaning is being in the honest pursuit of truth and the honest pursuit of understanding and making meaning. And sometimes that requires me to spend long periods of time being unproductive and just attuning to what's happening in my life
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and my inner world. And if I can do that, naturally, creativity always comes back to me. But at the time, I was looking at YouTube as the whole picture.
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And it was never the whole picture. It was connected to a much larger plan and much larger ideal that I was holding for my life, which was to be in pursuit of that which is honest and true, and then
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to share about that in whatever way feels right, which YouTube is a wonderful medium for, but it is far from the whole picture. And so sometimes when we allow ourselves to do this and to let go of a part of our lives that we think
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it makes no sense for us to not want anymore, what ends up happening down the line is that we find ourselves with an expanded perspective on that thing. We understand why it was so important to us, what larger thing it was a part of
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or an expression of. And sometimes that larger thing requires us to let go of a part of it in order to engage with another part of it. And maybe the first part comes back, maybe it doesn't. But the point is, we have to be honest with
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ourselves about what it is that we no longer want in our lives. sometimes without knowing if it's a permanent or a temporary giving up of that thing in order to expand our perspective to realize why we wanted that thing in the
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first place and what might be a more authentic expression of it now which is where part B of that question comes into play right can I let it go it doesn't have to be a permanent letting go but we
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have to realize when we're no longer feeling that connection to something that we're going to need to allow there to be some space at the least between that thing and ourselves for a while. And that connection might come
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back or it might not. But the first step is being honest enough with ourselves to trust that sometimes we have to let something good go even if we don't understand why yet. Which brings us to the second question. This one is all
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about giving validity to the part of ourselves that knows it is right about that black square of the wall that it is looking at. So this question is what am I right about that I am mistaking for the whole
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picture. So sometimes when we look at our lives, we look at these things that we have been aiming for or orienting ourselves around for a long time. We can accurately pinpoint when things are just not working out and when some goal or
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some relationship or whatever it is is actually doomed for us. And that's a dramatic word to use, but I'm using it because that's what it feels like. Doom is the feeling of our entire world collapsing. And if our entire world, as
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far as we see it, is limited to this one box on the wall, it really does feel like doom to have that world start collapsing.
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So what we want to be aware of here at least in our cognitive minds if we can is that sometimes we are absolutely right about everything that is going wrong in our lives. We are absolutely right about something that's going wrong
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in the world and that does not mean that that is the whole picture. It is only the whole picture until we are able to let go of our attachment to things going in that particular way and recognize what other forms our life could take
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that would be just as meaningful but they're just going to look differently than we once hoped. This is a really tender spot to find ourselves in because this is how life absolutely humbles us.
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If we are living fully and completely life will take the most wonderful things that we have ever found away from us ruthlessly. That is just how life works.
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Nobody gets out of it without a bunch of scars. But whether or not we get destroyed by those losses often has to do with the extent to which we are able to realize that there is life beyond them. I was actually at this event last
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night that I cannot stop thinking about where this woman stood up in the audience. She was wanting advice from the speaker on stage and she was talking about how she had lost the love of her life because he had cheated on her while
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they were engaged. And I noticed really acutely how much the rest of the room seemed to want to instantly reframe this for her. So people were going, you know if he did this, it means that you deserve better. He's not the love of
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your life. all of these things that were essentially very well-intentioned ways to try to make this woman feel better and to feel empowered and good about herself. But I could tell looking at her face, none of this was really
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registering. Because as much as the rest of the room can stand there and tell this woman who has just lost the love of her life, that he was not the love of her life and that this is not the end of
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her story. Anyone who's been in that position, who has lost something that they so desperately loved and wanted knows that in that moment, none of those empowering things feel true. What tends to feel true is that you are in
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suffering and it is so hard to find your way out of it. And the problem is that suffering has to be moved through. Sometimes we have to accept this really beautiful part of our lives is just gone and there is nothing that
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can redeem that in this moment. Yes maybe 5 years from now we'll meet someone else. Maybe someday in the future we'll look back at this and see it as a really necessary lesson we had to learn or hard time we had to work
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through. But in the middle of it, none of that is true yet. In the middle of it, the thing that is true is that there is this way we wanted our lives to go and it did not go that way. That is the
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truth. And we are still staring so intently most of the time in these circumstances at the way that we wanted our lives to go and we just feel doomed.
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It just feels like everything I've been focusing on and building towards and wanting is crumbling down. And it doesn't matter how much other people tell us that's not true. It is true.
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What people are speaking to when they're saying that this is going to get better is the rest of the wall. But in order to take our eyes off of this part of the wall and look at the rest of it, we
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first have to mourn this vision of our lives that is no longer happening for us. So, while everyone was giving advice to this woman in the room last night, I kept thinking about when my closest friend of 15 years decided she wanted to
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leave my life. And this was one of the deepest losses I ever had to go through in my life. It was without a close second the most beautiful and close and emotionally intimate relationship that I had in my entire life. And I remember at
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the time every way I tried to reframe this friend breakup, I just could not find a reframe that felt true. And people would constantly offer me reframes, right? They would try to reframe my friend as a bad friend. I
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knew in my system that wasn't true. They had been a wonderful friend to me for 15 years. They tried to reframe this as a necessary step in my journey. And I would see a couple steps down the road
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how this thing happening was actually a good thing. And there was no way my system was willing to believe that. And the reason my system wasn't willing to believe that was because it was not true. I knew in my heart, in my body, in
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my nervous system, in my soul, this relationship was the best thing I ever had. It had walked me through some of the darkest parts of my life. It had inspired and helped me to heal into the person that I am today. And it had
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provided this beautiful sense of companionship and laughter and joy in my life that almost nothing else had ever come close to. And I knew no matter what anybody else told me that I was losing the best thing I had ever had. And it
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wasn't until I allowed myself to really sink into that statement and how true it felt for me. I am losing the best thing I've ever had and maybe the best thing I'll ever have. It wasn't until I really
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sat with those statements and allowed them to be fully and completely true for me that I was able to actually start mourning that relationship and landing back in reality and accepting this is the reality I'm in. I'm now in a reality
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where I have lost the best thing I ever had., And, the, best, thing, that, at least from where I'm standing right now, it feels like I will ever have. And the thing is, as time went on, that didn't
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really change. I still look back on that friendship and I think so much of the parts of myself that I love expressing the creative parts of myself, the humorous parts of myself, the caring parts of myself, there was just so much
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of that that I felt it was so easy to express in my relationship with this other person. So that relationship had an incredibly high concentration of beautiful things and of parts of myself that I love expressing. But as time went
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on, what happened was that I found other areas where I could express my humorous parts and other areas of my life where I could express my more serious parts and other areas of my life that I could pour
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that love and care into that I used to spend a lot of time pouring into that one relationship. And so it's not that I found something better. It's that all of the parts of it that were good became
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kind of redistributed across the rest of my life. And so when I look back on that relationship now, would I say that I found something better? No. I never found a single relationship or a single situation that had all of that stuff
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concentrated in the same way that that one relationship did. But are all of those parts of me that were once alive in that relationship still expressing themselves in my life on a daily basis?
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Yes. It's like I just kind of redistributed that energy across a wider network. And am I approximately equally as happy as I was with that relationship in my life daytoday? Approximately yes.
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Yes, I still think I lost the best thing I ever had and my life went on and it became a different life that was beautiful in a different way. But telling myself that something specific was going to come along and replace this
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thing that my body and my soul just knew was not going to happen was not working for me. I had to get in reality. look at that square of the wall that represented something I once loved so so much except
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that it was gone and allow myself to zoom out and look at what was still there in my life that allowed my life to recalibrate to something equally as beautiful and meaningful but very very different. So again this question is all
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about bringing our attention back to what am I right about that I am mistaking for the whole picture of what matters there very often when we are depressed when we are struggling in life is something real that is happening that
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we need to mourn and let go of. So we are not doing oursel a service by telling ourselves things are wonderful when they're just not. We do ourselves a service by recognizing that we are in the thick of something terrible. But
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that that thing is not forever going to be our whole world. Yes, it's all falling apart. Yes, it's all crumbling.
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And later there will be something different. But right now, our job is to mourn whatever that thing is. To mourn that our lives did not go the way we wanted them to go. And until we do that we can't get to the next part where we
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see what possibilities exist within the reality that we are now left with. A third question I like to ask myself when I find myself feeling depressed or disconnected from my feelings is the question, what have I not said yet? And
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this can apply to absolutely any area of our lives or of our relationships. But what this question is turning our attention towards is what it is that is true for us internally that we are not being congruent about in our external
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life. So when there are things that are important to us, when there are feelings we have that are strong, when we are experiencing something internally that we are not expressing externally, this often creates non-stop resistance between our inner worlds and our outer
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worlds. And this often keeps us low-level disregulated without understanding why. So asking myself the question, what have I not said yet? often brings up the surprising things that I realize I am living with that I am not yet living
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out. And in many cases where I have chosen to express it anyways, I've realized that actually what's happened is my conception of what it's fair to do has expanded, especially when I stay on the page with any consequences of that
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self-expression. So I'll give you an example of this. Growing up with more avoidant patterning, one of the prime things that I believe was that if I think someone did something that it was fair or just for them to do and I had an
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emotion about that thing that was negative, my emotion must be wrong. Because in my mind, I believe that negative emotions only made sense if there was some sort of injustice that had been done to somebody. And so there
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was a case in which I had a breakup and this person and I had decided that after a designated point of time where we would kind of lick our wounds and take some space from each other, we would
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come back and have a conversation and just go over the relationship and look at whether or not we wanted to be friends or acquaintances or whatever it was moving forward. And when I approached that person on the date that
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we had set as the date that we would come back and talk about things, they told me I actually don't want to be in contact moving forward. And I felt like that's fair. There was no explicit agreement that we made that said we had
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to stay in contact. We had always been clear that we were free to do whatever we wanted with our lives and move on if that was what we would both feel was best after that period. And I could not
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admit to myself that I was sad about that because again my brain went if it makes sense you must not be sad about it. So for months and months and months I lived with this sadness and with this
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pain until I found myself getting really depressed. And I could not figure out why I was feeling so depressed until I realized one day I actually feel really sad that I never got that conversation that I was hoping to give me some
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closure around that relationship. And so what I did was I wrote that person an email and I just told them I feel really sad that we never had that conversation. And I could not believe how much it felt like a ton of bricks
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had been lifted off of me. Even though we never really ended up having that conversation in the way that I was hoping. But just saying that, just being congruent about what I felt allowed me to get back into a position of feeling
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autonomous over my emotional world. Because I realized if this thing that I'm feeling internally is so stuck and so denied even by me that I won't even allow myself to say it to another person, I'm going to be in a constant
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state of resistance to the world. And so I told that person that I felt sad, but I also told my friends, I told my therapist, I told my family. I just started living with the fact that I had
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sadness that I hadn't processed about the way that the relationship had ended. And it turned out that was actually all my body needed. I just needed to be seen by my friends and by my family for what was actually happening for me. And over
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time, when I looked back on that situation, I realized that what it was calling me to do was expand my idea of what was fair. Prior to that, I had really thought in a way that was deeply unconscious for me that if something is
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fair, I must not feel emotions about it. as in if I feel sad about something that happened that was fair and okay, my sadness is in some way wrong. And that situation and being willing to be honest with myself about it forced me to
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recognize that something can be fair and okay and I can be sad about it or in other circumstances something can be fair and okay and I can be angry about it. It truly expanded my field of awareness about how emotions work. They
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are not always in relation to fairness and justice. Sometimes they're just in relationship to what I want and don't want. When I want something and don't get it, I feel sad. It doesn't matter if it's fair that I didn't get it. I can
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still just feel disappointed. Which of course to some people is a giant duh that's the way the world works. But to me was truly a monumental leap in awareness that my emotional system could work that way. And so sometimes just
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asking ourselves that question, what have I not said yet? Gives us information about where our inner and outer world is in congruent. And generally when we make those things congruent again, something really interesting tends to happen. There tends
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to be some shift in our awareness or our understanding of how our emotions and the world works that feels really meaningful and that gets us back in reality. What haven't I said yet? I now ask myself this question, I kid you not
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almost every single day. Question number four, and this one takes things in a slightly different direction, is am I sure that the strategy I am employing for getting what I want is the right strategy? A lot of the time when it
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feels like we want something but we are doomed when it comes to getting it, it's because every strategy that we have selected for getting that thing is actually built on top of an unconscious premise that is false. So a really good
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example of this is insecure attachment right? If we have let's say an anxious attachment style and we really want a close connected loving relationship but we have this unconscious belief that the way to achieve that is to put 100% of
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our focus on it. We are probably going to struggle over and over and over again in relationship because our strategy is one that actually is in a lot of cases working against our attainment of that thing but we're not conscious of that.
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Or in the other side of things, if we air more avoidant, we might think that the way to be in close connected relationships with people is to be completely and totally self-responsible and to expect other people to be that
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way as well. And then when relationship after relationship after relationship fails because we are doing the self-responsible thing but our partners for whatever reason are not, it can start to feel like we are just doomed in the area of love. Because as far as we
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know, in either case, we are doing the right thing. but we just aren't getting the end goal. And so we might be looking at the end goal saying that thing is just impossible. It's just never going to work out for me. Not realizing that
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we have been employing a strategy all along that was never going to be able to get us there. So this is the really deep stuff, right? This is where we start doing things like shadow work and looking at how our absolute best and
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most well-intentioned efforts are sometimes actually working against us. And this is another really hard and really humbling place to arrive in. But it's the place where some of our greatest transformations happen. So if we are looking at this little square and
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going, I still know that I for sure want what I'm seeing in that square, the question we might want to ask is, am I sure? Am I truly well and completely sure that the strategy I'm employing is the right strategy for getting it? And
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if not, now might be the time to do some really deep digging on how I'm showing up in relation to this thing. And in this case, what needs to be grieved is actually the strategy that we really want to work. We have to grieve that I
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might never get this thing that I want if I'm only willing to approach it in this way. And then we have to be willing on the other side of that to expand our skill set and our approach towards
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getting what we want which very often allows us a much more direct and easeful pathway towards that thing once we can get those fundamentals in place. And the last question that I find to be incredibly powerful when I'm moving
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through a period of depression or disconnection is what am I starting to want even if I don't yet know how to live in alignment with it? So, which buds can I recognize within my own system, within my own psyche that have
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not yet blossomed, but that I'm noticing myself wanting to start to pay attention to, even if I'm not ready to fully embrace and embody them yet? And what I find about this one and the process of mourning that's really tricky here is
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that sometimes the ideal that we need to mourn is a sense of certainty. If I think that I am always going to have a very clear and direct path for my life and I'm finding that instead I feel
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shrouded with doubt and uncertainty maybe what I'm being called to do in this instance is to mourn the sense of certainty that I so badly wanted for my life and embrace that right now I am in a state of
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uncertainty. I just don't yet have a way to see clearly what's going to happen next or what's going to be on the other side of all of this. And my only job is to find a way to live inside of those
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questions and really embody the not knowing what comes next, the not knowing where to put my attention or focus, the not knowing what I want. Sometimes we have to live inside that state of not knowing in order for the next answers to
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emerge out of it. And this is often the exact spot where grief drops us off. So maybe we've decided, okay, this narrow square that I was placing all of my attention on, I can now recognize is not the whole picture, but I don't yet know
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where to focus my eyes next. That can be in and of itself a very meaningful spiritual place to be in the embodying of the not knowing. We are all there in life time and time again. We call these
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liinal spaces. Spaces that we have to move through in order for our reality to reorganize itself and for us to see in a more clear way what we want to move towards next. And these are frustrating times, but they are also completely
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necessary times. If we do not find a way to kind of find our sea legs and accept that for a while we are not going to feel certain about what's next, we end up just kind of grasping at these ghosts
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from our past forever without ever giving that new picture time to fully develop itself and come into view. And so these are five questions that I like to sit with and meditate on and take on walks with me when I'm going
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through rough periods in life. that I just want to offer up for anyone to use if and when they find themselves in one of these periods. And if there are questions that you like to ask yourself when you are depressed or feeling
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disconnected from your life, please please, please drop them in the comment section below. There are so many brilliant perspectives that I have seen showing up in my comment section. So, if you have something that you can offer someone else, a question or something
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you like to sit with when you're going through a hard time, please leave it below. find those connection points and that hope and that inspiration from each other whenever you can. And as always, I love you guys. I hope you're taking care
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of yourselves and each other. And I will see you back here again really soon.
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[Music]
Topics:depressiongriefideals auditself-reflectionemotional resiliencepersonal growthcynicismmental healthHeidi Priebeself-awareness
