Mel Robbins ON: Why You Can’t Stop Procrastinating & How to Eliminate Self-Doubt in 5 Seconds

Mel Robbins discusses overcoming procrastination and self-doubt using The High Five Habit and The Five-Second Rule on the On Purpose podcast.

Key Takeaways

The High Five Habit helps erase self-criticism and fosters a supportive inner dialogue.
The Five-Second Rule interrupts procrastination by creating immediate action.
Self-worth should be based on who you are, not what you do or external validation.
Building a positive relationship with yourself is essential for lasting personal transformation.
Simple daily habits can profoundly change your mindset and emotional well-being.

What the video covers

Mel Robbins shares her personal journey with The High Five Habit, a practice that helps eliminate self-criticism and build self-love.
The metaphor of dust on the mirror illustrates how external influences obscure our true selves and how the habit helps wipe that dust away.
Robbins explains how The High Five Habit reprograms the mind to replace negativity with encouragement and resilience.
The Five-Second Rule is introduced as a tool to interrupt procrastination and resistance, pushing individuals into action.
The conversation highlights the importance of self-relationship and self-kindness as foundational for personal growth.
Robbins emphasizes that happiness and self-worth should be disconnected from external achievements or validation.
The podcast discusses practical steps to implement these habits daily, including looking in the mirror and giving yourself a high five.
Mel Robbins shares emotional and transformative experiences related to these habits, showing their impact on mental and emotional health.
The episode encourages listeners to take control of their lives with simple, actionable habits that foster self-support and motivation.
The dialogue also touches on the importance of self-awareness and emotional intelligence in overcoming internal barriers.

Chapters

What is The High Five Habit and how does it help with self-doubt?

The High Five Habit is a daily practice where you look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five to replace self-criticism with encouragement and self-love, helping to eliminate self-doubt.

How does The Five-Second Rule help overcome procrastination?

The Five-Second Rule interrupts hesitation by counting down from five to one, which pushes you to take immediate action and bypass resistance or procrastination.

Why is it important to separate self-worth from achievements?

Separating self-worth from achievements helps you value yourself for who you are rather than what you do, fostering a healthier, more supportive inner dialogue and reducing the impact of external validation.

Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

Speaker A

You don't even know the number of amazing things you do every day. Instead, you focus and ruminate on the one thing you didn't get to, and then you use that as evidence against yourself, dust on the mirror to see a human being that's not measuring up and never will. And all that stuff their stupid fourth-grade teacher said to you must be true, dust on the mirror? No. You need to interrupt this period.

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measuring up and never will and all that stuff their stupid fourth grade teacher said to you must be true dust on the mirror no you need to interrupt this period [Music] hey everyone welcome back to on purpose the number one health podcast in the

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[Music] Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, today's guest is a longtime friend, someone that I deeply admire. I can't wait to have this conversation with her. Her books, her audiobooks have been revolutionary. They've been absolutely phenomenal. And finally, this is—I can't believe this is the first time we actually have a On Purpose. I'm speaking about the one and only Mel Robbins.

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audiobooks have been revolutionary they've been absolutely phenomenal and finally this is i can't believe this is the first time we actually have a on on purpose i'm speaking about the one and only mel robbins for those of you that

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For those of you that don't know, she's one of the leading voices in personal development and transformation and an international best-selling author. Her work includes the global phenomenon The Five-Second Rule and the upcoming book that we're talking about today, The High Five Habit.

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and you can join the high five habit challenge through the link in our description plus she has four number one best-selling audio books the number one podcast on audible as well as signature online courses that have changed the

Speaker A

And you can join The High Five Habit challenge through the link in our description. Plus, she has four number one best-selling audiobooks, the number one podcast on Audible, as well as signature online courses that have changed the lives of more than half a million students worldwide. Please welcome to On Purpose, Mel Robbins.

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here well first of all thank you because you've invited me and um i just knew i wanted to wait until i had something truly extraordinary to talk to you about that i do that just shows how modest you are because you always have

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Mel, thank you for being here. I love you. I gotta—like—oh yes, there we go. Let's do both. I don't know. I can't believe this is your first time here.

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right now to go and order i know we haven't even started the conversation yet but i'm so confident in what i've read from the book my conversations with mel not just online but offline and mel i know you have an interesting story

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Well, first of all, thank you because you've invited me, and I just knew I wanted to wait until I had something truly extraordinary to talk to you about.

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reveal my connection with the high five habit i sure can okay um so when i was coming on it dawned on me what an incredibly deep and profound connection that you and i share around what we're about to talk about now like everybody

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That just shows how modest you are because you always have something extraordinary to talk about. But I too am happy today we're talking about this incredible new book, The High Five Habit: Take Control of Your Life with One Simple Habit. This is a book that I want everyone who's listening right now to go and order. I know we haven't even started the conversation yet, but I'm so confident in what I've read from the book, my conversations with Mel, not just online but offline.

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you know what story i'm talking about i do i i believe it's uh is it dust or is it me yes is that the about the mirror and the dust yes yes and so the story is all about this metaphor of up in this

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And Mel, I know you have an interesting story about how this relates to me somehow, which you mentioned to me.

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it's not you i'm gonna get like super emotional already because the high five habit is how you wipe the dust away i know and when i was reading that for anyone who's not watching right now mel is on the verge of of tears

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I do, and I've been holding back since you walked in the room. I was like, save it for the podcast, save it for the podcast. Can you reveal my connection with The High Five Habit?

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and you're criticizing yourself you're poking holes in your appearance in how you wish you worked out more how you've got such a long to-do list today how you have no energy how you'd rather curl up and watch tv and do nothing for

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I sure can. Okay, so when I was coming on, it dawned on me what an incredibly deep and profound connection that you and I share around what we're about to talk about now. Like everybody on the planet, I devoured your book. I literally dog-eared it, I highlighted it, and on page seven, there is a story that you tell that is a beautiful metaphor that illustrates the external influences that obscure our true selves.

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starts looking in the mirror yes tell us about what has changed about how you look in the mirror today with the high five habit so i have been practicing this habit for a little over a year and it all began in april of 2020 and

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You know what story I'm talking about?

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write about what am i that's not how this happened the high five habit saved me it was a ladder that helped me climb out of a hole i had fallen into emotionally physically spiritually and a year later after practicing what is going to sound

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I do. I believe it's, uh, is it Dust or Is It Me?

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of practicing this i don't even see a face or a body i see a soul i don't even have to high-five myself i still do because it feels good and we're gonna explain the science yes that is bananas about why this actually works

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Yes. Is that the one about the mirror and the dust?

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i see a human being who's trying who deserves love and respect and i know that it's my job to give it to her you know the five-second rule which i created i don't know over a decade ago that's gone on to help me change my

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Yes, yes.

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the high five habit has changed who i am it has deleted a lifetime of criticism and negativity from my mind and it has reprogrammed the soundtrack to be somebody that's supportive and a cheerleader it's extraordinary that's so beautiful to hear because

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And so the story is all about this metaphor of up in this attic of the ashram, there's a mirror with a thick layer of dust. And when you look at a mirror that's accumulated a thick layer of dust, you can't truly see yourself, your soul, your spirit. And the dust comes from your life. It's not you.

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that doesn't always work either because we it does struggle to say it with feeling and meaning and belief but what i love about what you're sharing with the high five habit is that it's actually looking at no you're trying let me be supportive let

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I'm gonna get super emotional already because The High Five Habit is how you wipe the dust away.

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you don't have to say a word you don't have to say a word like one of the reasons why mantras don't work for so many people is you choose something you don't believe and so as you stand before a mirror or

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I know. And when I was reading that, for anyone who's not watching right now, Mel is on the verge of tears.

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all went down because it's in the kind of unfolding of the story that there's layer after layer after layer so you know the backdrop of this is that um it was you know i think we all have that

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But if you're listening, when I opened up The High Five Habit and you tell that story for you, yeah, of you're looking in the mirror as we all do in the morning when we wake up to brush our teeth,

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three months and so i think it was about three, months, in, where, i was, like, okay, i have no idea how this is going and this is not what i expected so i'd say about three months in i'd say probably around

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and you're criticizing yourself, you're poking holes in your appearance, in how you wish you worked out more, how you've got such a long to-do list today, how you have no energy, how you'd rather curl up and watch TV and do nothing for the rest of the day,

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had found it in the building and within five minutes we had to evacuate show cancelled i'm fired from my dream job i'm driving home uh to boston massachusetts which is where my husband and i have raised our kids i see new

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and that is an experience that we all have had more than we even think. Like, we've had that daily. A lot of us have had that for months and even years. And so it's amazing how that story also starts looking in the mirror.

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speech gets cancelled and then a publisher i'd been working with on a totally different book concept cancels that contract and now i've got to give money back that i've already spent there's no ppp loans yet i have no idea

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Yes, tell us about what has changed about how you look in the mirror today with The High Five Habit.

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the weight of the world on my shoulders and i wake up one morning in april and it's a very familiar feeling this is not a book about the pandemic this is a book about how you pick yourself up when you feel

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So I have been practicing this habit for a little over a year, and it all began in April of 2020.

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bed i make the bed so i don't crawl back into it and i go to the bathroom and i'm standing there in the bathroom and i'm brushing my teeth and as i'm brushing my teeth i catch a glimpse of

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And this is not something that I was like, okay, I got to write a book, it's got to have a five in it. It's going to be five years since I've written a book. Thank you, dyslexia and ADHD. What am I going to write about? What am I—

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beat down begins and then of course once you go there you teach this your mind is just going to keep on taking you down and so it became why did you get up so late and you got a zoom call in eight

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That's not how this happened. The High Five Habit saved me. It was a ladder that helped me climb out of a hole I had fallen into emotionally, physically, spiritually. And a year later, after practicing what is going to sound like a weird, stupid thing, which you will resist, and Jay, you and I are going to unpack this because it's sad why everybody resists it, it has to do with the dust that's accumulated.

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i know it's a lot you don't deserve this but if anybody can handle this you can i i know you can i would have lifted you up like just it would have been it for effortless but standing there alone in my underwear

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And I will tell you, after a year of practicing this, I don't even see a face or a body. I see a soul. I don't even have to high-five myself. I still do because it feels good, and we're gonna explain the science.

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because it sounds ridiculous i've never done this before but i suddenly found myself raising my hand and high-fiving that woman i saw in the mirror because she needed it and here's the thing it's not like lightning struck right you know it's not

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Yes, that is bananas about why this actually works for everybody who tries it because this is not something that's new. You are tapping into programming that's already in your mind and body and now directing it back at yourself. It's incredible. I don't ever criticize myself. I don't ever see what's wrong. I see a human being who's trying, who deserves love and respect, and I know that it's my job to give it to her.

Speaker A

and it was kind of this thing because i thought a lot about this moment it's like my shoulders dropped and my chin lifted and i didn't even like say anything positive it's like there was this energy flip and the energy felt a

Speaker A

You know, The Five-Second Rule, which I created, I don't know, over a decade ago, that's gone on to help me change my whole life. It's a little starting ritual and a brain hack that you can use to help yourself take the actions and change the thoughts that change your life. It helped me be more productive. It helped me get stuff done.

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second morning the second morning is when everything changed i wake up same problems same overwhelm exhausted defeated tired five four three two one i get out of bed i make the bed i start walking to the bathroom and jay

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The High Five Habit has changed who I am. It has deleted a lifetime of criticism and negativity from my mind, and it has reprogrammed the soundtrack to be somebody that's supportive and a cheerleader. It's extraordinary.

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what do you feel right before you walk in the door excitement enthusiasm energy joy uh positive nervousness like that that kind of like uh butterflies even in a positive sense yeah so at this moment i was 51 years

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That's so beautiful to hear because I think so often we like to oscillate from one extreme to another. So people start by criticizing themselves, and then sometimes we've heard in the toxic positivity movement of, well, just tell yourself you're amazing and tell yourself you're incredible.

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now i've been excited to see an outfit or excited to see a haircut i have never been excited to see the person and so i round the corner and this sense of how profound this is is hitting me

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And to me, that doesn't always work either because we struggle to say it with feeling and meaning and belief. But what I love about what you're sharing with The High Five Habit is that it's actually looking at, no, you're trying, let me be supportive, let me be encouraging, let me use my words to notice that which I want to grow and work on, but I'm not creating an artificial illusion of either criticism or perfection, both of which are unreal.

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wake up and realize they are there and they need you to see them and to hear them and to love them and to support them and so what's interesting because you brought up morning routines right is that we all talk about the importance of

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Well, and here's the extraordinary thing: you don't have to say a word. You don't have to say a word. Like, one of the reasons why mantras don't work for so many people is you choose something you don't believe.

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every single morning that is a part of your morning routine unless you have weeded this out and it is a habit of either ignoring yourself or beating the heck out of yourself every single morning in the mirror i

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And so as you stand before a mirror or you say it to yourself after a lifetime of beating yourself up, your brain's like, yep, no, we don't believe that because you've told me the other opposite story for so long. I'm not going to buy it now.

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said it's not just that we beat ourselves up or criticized we can't even look at ourselves how how does how does the high five habit help us get that oh it's incredible yeah it's absolutely gonna move let's let's talk about the habits

Speaker A

You know, I got to tell you how this all went down because it's in the kind of unfolding of the story that there's layer after layer after layer. So, you know, the backdrop of this is that, um, it was, you know, I think we all have that moment when we knew that COVID was going to change your life forever.

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simple you're gonna look at yourself in the mirror and you're gonna leverage some research out of harvard we'll talk about that too yeah okay dive into that so you're basically just gonna look at yourself in the mirror and you're gonna

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When was that moment for you?

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for yourself and then you're simply going to raise your hand and you're going to high-five yourself now a couple things i want you to expect number one it will feel weird period it feels weird for everybody because it is

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I was one of the optimistic ones when it first happened. I was like, ah, the world's gonna deal with this in like a month or maybe three months.

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where you're going to laugh probably because it kind of feels good and it's kind of silly or you're going to burst into tears in a positive way because it's a release that you have finally woken up and started supporting

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And so I think it was about three months in where I was like, okay, I have no—

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every single morning jay we bring with us our entire past whatever's been done to you whether it's trauma or discrimination or abuse or neglect or abandonment it is standing between you and the mirror it's the dust and you see that dust and you say that

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means that i am not worthy i am not lovable so you see a human being that's distorted and you say to yourself because of what's happened i don't deserve a high five or if you're a human being you've done a

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ton of stuff that you regret and so all the things that wish you could change that you would forgive jay or you'd forgive mel robbins for you cannot forgive yourself it's more dust and so you stand there and you say

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because of all that stuff that i did i'm unworthy or i'm unlovable or i'm this or i'm that and that dust keeps you from seeing a human being who deserves support and celebration or another form of the dust which is the

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resistance is that you actually believe that you do not deserve to be celebrated or supported unless you have the bank account or the number on the scale or you drive in the car or live in the neighborhood or your hair is

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less kinky or you're this or you're that and so you withhold the very support and celebration that you need in order to change your life from you because you haven't done it yet that's where the resistance comes from

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and so i'm here to say you got to try this for five days because it's gonna feel weird you're gonna resist it and what's gonna happen is you'll notice as you raise your hand and this is where the science gets amazing as you raise

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your hand jay you will go from thinking this is weird or thinking this is stupid to silence and this is explained by science there is a field of study called neurobics neurobics is a word that i did not even invent it is aerobic or

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physical movement with new neural pathway development and research has shown that when you use neurobics it is the fastest way to form new neural pathways so the way that you do it is you take an unexpected physical movement like

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high-fiving yourself something you've never done and you marry it with a thought now here's where things get crazy cool you've been high-fiving people your whole life you've been receiving high fives your whole life so jay when you high-five somebody what are you

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communicating through the gesture uh a feeling of connectedness a feeling of support a feeling of i'm congratulating you or celebrating you a feeling of you've got this like that kind of feeling yeah completely all of it is programmed in your

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subconscious brain when you go to raise your hand to high-five somebody i can never high-five jay and go you're a jerk jay i don't like you jay i hope your tea which i'm a founding club member of really fails you can't do it yeah

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because the programming is already in your brain yes so you cannot look at yourself in the mirror and think terrible things while you're high-fiving yourself because your brain won't allow it right it is programmed to think something different and as you repeat

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this every day just five days dear god give me five days of doing this you will override the critic and you will reprogram your mind to associate belief love encouragement support resilience with your own reflection this is why i

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don't even see myself in terms of a body anymore i see a human being that i love that i support just like i would a friend or a child that i love unconditionally it's mind-blowing but that's not all so i talked to our pal dr

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daniel amen and this isn't even in the book this is just something i learned two weeks ago he went bananas when i talked about this thing so jay when you high-five somebody else your brain drips dopamine the reason why

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when you do this even on a low morning you get a boost in your mood and a little bit of clarity wow is you get a drip dopamine by high-fiving yourself again because the programming is already in your brain

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you're just now turning it from everybody else and giving it to yourself yeah and there's a second thing that's super cool so dr amon was explaining he said you know and you know mel when you leave the bathroom you feel kind of peppy right

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i'm like yeah it's kind of weird he said well let me tell you what that is he said your nervous system is encoded with celebratory energy when you wave hello you're raising your arms when you cross a finish line you

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raise your arms when you hug somebody you raise your arms when you high-five somebody you raise your arms when you do this every morning especially when you're going through a challenging moment your nervous system recognizes the celebratory gesture and gives you a jolt

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of energy is that not incredible it's incredible and it makes so much sense and and and i love you know you have this incredible ability to make personal development feel like a light switch you would never think it's that simple

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but we all every day flip on a light switch we expect the light to come on we flip it off and it goes off and with the high five habit and the five second rule i feel they're both

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light switches they're this really tiny action really tiny action but this really big result that just instantly happens right what what you're just saying now what you just said about everything doctor donald naman told you those are massive responses to a really simple

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action i mean just raising your hand to just high-fiving and so i feel like you do that beautifully you really have this art and simplifying things into seconds worth of advice and what i love about that is that's why our brain has less excuses

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because if it's like if you're like jay i really need you to take out like 20 minutes of your day to do this new thing everyone, goes, where, am, i, going to, find 20 minutes you're literally talking about again five seconds yes how long

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does it take to high five yourself even less probably yeah and you don't have to say anything you don't have to feel anything you just have to do it and what's already programmed in your body it does you're right it's such a

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beautiful light switch it flips it on for you and i want you to do it right after you brush your teeth because you got to get that crap out of your mouth so you don't spread the dragon breath on

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everybody let's get the crap and the dust off the mirror yeah so you're not spreading that negativity throughout your day and you're walking into your day feeling like you have your own back and feeling that life force that you

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were born with and being reminded that yeah life may be hard yeah i may have screwed things up but i know i'm still here trying and i deserve to feel supported and so i'm going to tap into this to send myself out into the game

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yes you know one of the really cool studies i'm sure you loved the study about the nba teams i know you've talked about this yourself this is both common sense and science how does your favorite sports team begin the game

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by high-fiving each other to send yourself out into the game but when researchers actually studied nba teams they could predict who's going to be the most successful teams at the end of the season and who's going to be at the

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bottom of the league based on one characteristic at the beginning of the season in the preseason and that is how many times does the team in the preseason do fist bumps high fives or pats on the back and what they found is it's the teams

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that do that the most in the beginning have the winningest record and the reason the question is why well the reason why is these gestures are more than gestures they are symbols of trust and partnership they build momentum

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and so many of us are struggling in life with people pleasing and guilt and all of these emotions because we have broken that partnership with ourselves and this is a way every morning after brushing your teeth we're going to stack this

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habit put the toothbrush down pick up your hand look yourself in the mirror and say how am i going to show up for that human being today and seal it with a high five that's it that's it that's

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it and what i love about this book for those of you listening you'll have to get the book to see this is is you have these beautiful pictures from your community and beyond of people actually practicing it and do you prefer that one or that one

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that one yeah let me know if it's good you can zoom in so i just want to show a few pages homotomy yeah you got it amazing i want to show you a few pages just because i think it's beautiful

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to see so many people practicing this there's a few more that i want to show you inside yeah i think oh yeah the ones at the back but there's also these the one of you is really special to me that one i have to

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show that one i really like that one because to me that was chapter two yeah that one to me was was brilliant this is when mel discovered had i known all right yeah that's the best but it's it's it's beautiful because

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i love how practical it is i love how everyone can give it a go i really believe everyone who's listening right now we can all take five days to give this a go even if you think it's silly

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which i don't think you will because you love this podcast and you love mel and and you love everything that we're talking about but it's like this is the least investment we could make in ourselves like it requires zero

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investment it requires it's free it's free it requires zero time commitment you're already standing in front of the mirror brushing your teeth yeah it's just an extra five seconds on top of that it's absolutely nothing more tell me about what this does for the

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rest of the day what is the knock-on effect of doing something like this in the morning because what my head's going to right now is in this moment you are choosing to high-five instead of beat yourself that's to me what you're teaching people

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to do yes you're training people to choose make a choice that is going to transfer into every choice they have to make throughout the day so now when their boss says to them hey you haven't done this you haven't

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done that you haven't done this how's it gonna impact talk to me about that and what you saw this is absolutely awesome so kind of from uh just sort of the way that people talk about it this is both what i've experienced and what

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our audience is constantly uh writing to us about and by the way this is without even having a book out yet i know this is simply from having people and convincing people around the world to try it everybody

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says it's weird but i gotta hand it to you mel this pivots my day and sends it in an entirely different trajectory you know you talk about it all the time your mood in the morning impacts your confidence and your productivity all day

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we know that research from harvard tells us that when you get intentional about how you're going to show up it not only boosts your productivity and your confidence and your focus it also changes your ability to make an impact

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with people we also know all the research around what's called emotional contagion when they did i didn't even write about this in the book but when you separate uh leaders into two groups and you show one group of leader you

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know very stressful videos for 20 minutes that make you feel agitated or bummed out and you throw another group all these videos with puppies and kittens and j shetty content that's amazing the leaders that go in to their teams

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within 10 minutes the teams feel exactly either the negative agitation or the positive agitation but it goes even deeper so the high five habit in the mirror jay it's just the trojan horse of course there are dozens of tools in this and we

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go deep into something you talk about all the time the reticular activity system which is the filter in your brain that in real time i think about it this is not an elegant way to describe it i think about it like an electronic hair

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net that sits on your brain and in real time this sucker is changing we've all experienced is its effect when we've shopped for a house or a car the second you start shopping for your first car what happens

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you start seeing those cars that you're looking for everywhere everywhere that is what that's your ras you have a bouncer in your brain that has a massive job and the job of your bouncer in your brain is to decide what gets into the

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prefrontal cortex what passes through there's only four things jay that actually get through automatically your name we've all experienced it oh did they say jay number two that happened to me this morning really i had a random person i

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think shout my name out so i was looking around well that's the bouncer in your brain and let it in and there were a bazillion other sounds by the way that you didn't hear because the bouncer in your brain blocked them out

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the second thing is any immediate threat so like if you hear a loud noise you'll kind of like duck but there are loud noises all day that don't make you do that because the bouncer in your brain is blocking it out the third one and

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this can be tricky for relationships i know you're writing a book about this so this this is any sign that you think your partner might be interested in sex with you or somebody else you know this is that jealousy hey

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and then the fourth one and this is where the treasure is this is everything your brain filters the world based on what you tell it is important to you so when you're shopping for a new car you suddenly say to your ras this is

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important to me and it lets in imagery of the car this works in positive and negative ways trauma is an example of how your filter gets trained by a very negative event it becomes very important because your nervous system responded to it so your

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brain records as much as it can to try to protect you a positive way is by saying something that you talk about the writing out of your goals the having visual and environmental triggers that keep these things front of mind

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these are ways to train your brain for a positive effect so one of the things that happens when you start to high-five yourself and why it goes so much deeper even than the boost and the the partnership is that what happens is

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you're now tapping into an entire field of research called behavioral activation therapy you talk about it a lot you know all the science if you don't know it there's a very simple way to talk about it it's called act like the person you

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want to become and the reason why this is so important is we know thinking alone won't get you to change you actually have to take the actions that change everything and one of the reasons why high-fiving yourself is such a powerful action is

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the bouncer in your brain the ras it's paying attention when it suddenly sees you stop the beatdown and it sees you act differently it sees you acting like somebody who actually cares about you who celebrates you and who sees the high five it will

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switch in real time and start to see the world in a way that reflects back the fact that you deserve love and support so the more that you act like somebody who loves and supports and believes in themselves by

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high-fiving themselves the more your brain changes and the more your reality changes now to your point with toxic positivity does it change the very real issues people face of course not it does not change the fact that there's

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discrimination and poverty and trauma and very real obstacles that you may be facing right now what it changes is you and your ability to face those things and your resilience and your belief that through your attitude and your

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actions you can make a positive difference in those things yeah yeah what i love about you what you just said is that we're all going to face pain and discomfort regardless the only choice we have is are you going to face pain and

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discomfort with the feeling of supporting yourself or are you going to face pain and discomfort with the feeling of condemning yourself right that's the only choice you have we're all going to face it we're all going to have to deal

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with stuff that we don't want to deal with and the only choice we get to make is what attitude do i want to affect this from what thoughts do i want to have as i go through this and i think

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all of us would agree that we'd rather be going through with thoughts that say you've got this you can do this we can get there we'll figure it out we'll find an answer we'll make it through rather than the voice in your head that's

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saying i don't think you should do this no that's not going to work no stop no you're terrible oh this is the worst thing you could which is what we're all hearing right let's talk about what are the key

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aspects you talk about this so much in the book and i do believe this is at the heart of the high five habit and also just the heart of what you're sharing in this book what are the key principles

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of how someone deals with themselves when they love themselves when they care for themselves what are those key tenets those those key values that we can draw ourselves to and measure against say am i doing that for myself does that make sense yeah am i am

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i creating that for myself because i feel like we know like we always say and and some of this is similar but we always say oh if your child and you know you have children going off to make

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friends at school we always say well be kind you know you share advice but we've never been told how to have a relationship with ourselves what are the key principles to having a positive relationship with yourself it's a

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fabulous question so i think at the heart of it are two foundational habits that you need and one you already mentioned it's being kind to yourself it's really that simple and i know you know the study that they did in the uk

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where they looked at every possible behavior change that you could do in life and whether, it was, changing, in, diet meditation exercise relationship changes all of it the one change that has the biggest impact on fulfillment and happiness is

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being kind to yourself and it's the one change we practice the least because i don't think we know how yeah i don't how do yeah how do we be contest well number one stop the beat down in the mirror and

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despite the fact that it might feel weird or you're going to resist it or you got a lot of dust oh boy we gotta wipe it away oh it's more like mud it's not like dust jay has dust the rest of us are caked

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with mud gotta get some elbow grease in there uh the high five habit every day is wiping that away okay that's number one number two when you catch yourself in the what-if loop or the beat down use the five-second

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rule count backwards five four three two one interrupt it and start just interrupting it because you don't have to listen to it you can't always control when it pops up but you can start to create distance from it meditation obviously helps with

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that but in terms of the hand to fist combat with your own brain i prefer punch back 54321 and then i literally go i'm not thinking about that another strategy that you can use as you're doing the hand-to-hand combat

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with your own brain is come up with like an avatar for this negative voice okay and make it really good like when our son was really profoundly struggling with anxiety he's 16 now he started to call that worry

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wart in his head that was beating him up oliver and he looked like this big pimply bully of a kid that was out of the diary the wimpy kid and he would literally say when he was nine years old

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shut up oliver like you're not invited to sleep like he would literally talk to it and it sounds like you're giving your kid multiple personalities that's not actually what's happening you're leveraging objectivity so you separate yourself from the voice that's talking

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to you yes um another thing that you can do i love this for worrying oh this is a genius to steal your word uh move when you catch yourself doing the what ifs because we know there's two forms of

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worrying right there's the type of worrying that just destroys you that's destructive worrying where you just ruminate what if what if what if then there's the positive form of worrying which is productive because it it motivates you to change when you get

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stuck in the what if what if what if interrupt it with this 54321 and then go what if it all works out what if this turns out to be one of the hardest things i do but the best

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decision i've ever made [Music] what if placing a bet on myself was the moment my life changed what if it all works out because you can't argue with that and it literally stops that sort of cycling because worrying is

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just a habit that you have it's like a pathway that you've plowed in your mind and it's a protection mechanism you're actually not a procrastinator you're not a worrier you're just afraid yeah and by staying in your mind you

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think you're safe and really what you're doing is you're holding yourself back from living the life that you're meant to live i love that that's such a great answer so that's because i've got a couple of yeah that was be kind to yourself and

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then there's another one and then the other ones keep the little promises that you make to yourself and there's two simple ways you can practice this that everybody's going to hate when you set the alarm the night before

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i don't believe in having the same wake-up time every morning because i think if you have a normal life things are constantly changing and so i think if you were to have one simple habit which is the night before

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you go to bed think about when you need to wake up to truly support yourself and then intentionally set your alarm and if you want to get really intentional with the science here make it like a random odd number don't make

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it six o'clock make it 617 because there's a purpose behind that and then when that alarm rings don't think about it like an obligation i want you to think about it like it's a promise that you're going to practice

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keeping and this is where you can use the five-second rule you're just going to count backwards 5-4-3-2-1 to interrupt all of the desire in your mind and body to stay in bed or to hit the snooze button or to argue against what you need

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to do and you're going to push through that resistance and take action and by getting out of bed simply when you said you would you are again behavioral activation therapy you're acting like a person who keeps their promises and trust yourself

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yes here's another one uh if you can just talk about that one you just said yeah have we ever talked about 617 before six i don't even know 17 is it's so i guess i don't know it's so strange

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when you said don't set it at six and you just said my in my mind i was like yeah six seventeen just before you said it no and yeah i'm not kidding so is that like your wake-up time no it isn't

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i wake up at six okay so why did you think success no idea that's what i was asking you have we talked about it before and i was like now is that the time, you, wake, up, or, do you, discuss, that

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in napa or no that is so strange i literally was like yeah she's going to say 6 17. that is blessed i know and i'm trying to think now where my mind is 67 anyway but but the point being i i

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really really like that principle and and what i've found and you're so right that every day is different is i found see sleeping the same amount of time yes is more important than waking up at the same time well do you

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know the research around the snooze button yes okay please tell us please tell us okay so so literally it also when it comes to productivity and focus and fulfillment it's not when you get up it's how you get up

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and there's all this crazy research like i'm not some sort of like psycho about the alarm clock or the snooze button i personally love sleeping in but i also know that as somebody that's struggled with anxiety for three decades

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lying in bed in the morning or at night is the worst place i can be absolutely that is where the anxiety can pin you down like a gravity blanket and so understanding that the habit of hitting the snooze button has a detrimental

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impact on your productivity all day because what happens is when you wake up your brain is typically ready to wake up when you drift back to sleep after hitting the snooze button your brain drifts back into a sleep cycle which

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based on research takes about 75 minutes to complete when the alarm goes off nine minutes later your brain is now trapped in a sleep cycle and researchers say it takes you about four hours to snap out of what they call sleep inertia

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that impacts your productivity all day long and so you're complaining that i didn't get enough sleep and you feel groggy no you actually got plenty of sleep you screwed yourself over by hitting the snooze button and now your prefrontal

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cortex can't snap back into operation until you're ready to go i want to speak about emotionally which is what you talk about earlier about you've broken your trust with yourself and that's why when we set these unrealistic targets i'm

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gonna wake up at 5am tomorrow i'm going to work about six whatever it is that's unrealistic for you and then you hit the snooze button four times and you wake up at the time you would have woken up

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anyway that's just made you lose faith in yourself over nothing right totally that's the totally see i i'm kind of one of these people that i sort of like lame goals because i want you to win you know i'm just asking for

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a high five in the mirror i'm just asking that you roll out of bed five four three two one here's another wonderful one make your bed and here's why not because i need you to be a navy seal but because when you literally and

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i'm not even talking pop a quarter off of it i'm talking throw the blanket across karate chop a pillow throw a throw on a diagonal we're done here kind of thing here's why number one it's a beautiful gift you can

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give to yourself because as you walk back into your room it's done you don't see a mess your brain sees a person that actually is kind to themselves and follows through on things tonight when you lay down a

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dream you have a nice place to come back to and this is what i'm talking about with lame lame goals and what i call simple discipline simple discipline is roll out of bed when the alarm rings simple discipline

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is make your bed simple discipline i'm even going to make exercise easy you want to hear yeah go so easy okay you ready tonight in your closet get your exercise clothes out lay them on the floor put them right in your way

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so you can't step around them because then they're there as a trap on your floor the next morning again you don't have to think about it yeah you're like oh my gosh stepping over them is you breaking a promise when you pull

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them on i know you're more likely to exercise today because they're already on your body and so but in my book we're practicing simple things here so you get a high five just for pulling the tights on man like i'm not even gonna count

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exercising if you get the exercise clothes on we've gotten up we've made our bed we got our exercise now we're gonna high five the mirror honey you just got four wins you've only been up for 20 seconds this is the mel robbins

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program this is how you build trust with yourself yes by setting really small goals little tiny promises because you're building a new muscle and the most important promise in all of this is how you treat yourself in the mirror because

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as you know jay that relationship that you have with yourself is the foundation for every relationship that you have if you can't look yourself in the eye you will never be able to allow somebody else to love you because you don't first

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love yourself if you struggle with people pleasing that's not about other people that's about your insecurity with yourself yeah so it comes back again to the simple discipline of looking at yourself and learning how to be secure with the one human being you spend your

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whole life with and the only way you're going to start being secure with who you are is when you start accepting and loving who you are no matter where you are whether you exercise today or not whether you blew

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it yesterday or not whether you really are trying hard and winning or not i love that i i for me making my bed also improves my relation with my wife because she happens to wake up earlier than me and

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therefore we have a rule in our house whoever wakes up second does the bad which means i end up doing the bed i don't like that rule because my husband gets up first yeah so anyway i i always

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have to do my bed but my wife also like to have like 20 pillows on the bed so there's more pillows on the bed than there is a bed and and so i really don't enjoy it because i have to like organize these

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pillows karate chop do you have to have the karate chocolate yeah i have to cry each other i have to lay the throat i've got to put three pillows one behind the other i mean it's it's like real

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work but by the time i finish doing that i'm like i can do anything but i i love all these principles you're talking about but the biggest thing is the theme that's underlying all of them is celebrate congratulate build trust which

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you're so right that this if anyone's listening and thinking oh well if i celebrate these little things and i'll never do anything big no it's the other way around it's that if you build trust with yourself doing these little things you'll trust

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yourself with bigger things and and anyone that you see that's doing big bold incredible things today is because they trusted themselves with the tiny small incremental changes yeah and so when mel saying celebrate just putting the gym clothes on

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she's saying that because if you celebrate that you'll notice that hey i can trust myself for this yeah let's talk about celebration because for both of us and and i also see this in you and i think you know when we're in napa with

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all our friends i feel that celebration is something that everyone struggles with the more successful they become and we because the goals get bigger the time length of the next project gets longer because it's harder it's like launching

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a tv show as you did or you wrote another book after five years there's more pressure this time because the last thing was incredible and now you're doing something bigger i find like we live in this world where it's easy to

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stop celebrating did you find that or have you always found time for yourself to celebrate your wins and your successes i'm just asking on a personal level the honest answer is that i think it wasn't until i discovered the high five habit that i

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profoundly realized how much self-hatred i was dealing with and despite everything else yeah well and this i think is a really big piece of the power of this especially if you're somebody who's achievement oriented and everybody that listens to this podcast

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feels a big calling and wants to do more in the world and make a bigger difference and a bigger impact there's a real danger that's very common jay that you start to marry or you've always married being worthy or lovable with what you're

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doing and what you're achieving and it works both ways in terms of if you're don't have the number on the scale it means again the dust on the mirror you are not worthy because you haven't achieved it yet

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and for those of us that have achieved some things that we've set out to do what happens is you find that as soon as you achieve the thing you actually need to do something else bigger better better because

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it was a thing that you achieved that made you lovable or worthy and the real trick and this is everything is being able to know and feel in your bones that you are lovable and worthy just because you're

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breathing and that was a huge breakthrough for me and so no i never celebrated because i think i was so married to this idea that if unless i'm doing or winning or achieving and it happens so subtly when

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you're little because you start to get so much positive praise when you get a good grade or when you do something at school or when you make your mates laugh or whatever it might be that you start to go oh

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that's what love feels like oh if i do that and so you outsource love and validation to outside things and i'm here to tell you we all got to learn how to bring it back home and anchor the

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validation and love that you need where you are right now every single day and it's only in discovering this that i had to confront just how much i was beating myself up just how much i was tearing myself down

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and how i was chasing these things because what i actually wanted was to feel loved like if you ask yourself okay great you want to make a million dollars why there's a feeling that you're looking for from that

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and if you can start to work on bringing that feeling into your day-to-day life for yourself it changes the way that you go about achieving things like i didn't even enjoy half the stuff that i did because i was constantly

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maniacally focused on the things that weren't working rather than the hundred things that were and the same is true with everybody's day you don't even know the number of amazing things you do every day you feed the dog high five you got the

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kids to school high five you read 10 pages of the book high five you said a nice thing to a stranger high five you got something done at work high five you got through 70 of your inbox high five

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instead you focus and ruminate on the one thing you didn't get to and then you use that as evidence again dust on the mirror yeah to see a human being that's not measuring up and never will and all

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that stuff their stupid fourth grade teacher said to you must be true dust on the mirror no you need to interrupt this period yeah that is so so powerful everything you just said i was just nodding along thinking this is so true i i saw a video

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recently from a good friend of mine jason goldberg and he was talking about a study at the olympics where people who win bronze are happier than those who win silver and so coming third makes you happy than coming second because the people that

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come second they go oh but i was a second away from first and so they feel disheartened whereas the person who came third goes at least i made it on the podium yeah and that's what you're saying yeah

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1000. make it to the podium yes put on the clothes or just put on the clothes just put on the clothes but that's making it like to me that's yeah it's just getting there it's nice and and actually what you really hit

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something when you were saying that about celebration for me it's not just about celebration it's about what we celebrate in our lives so when we celebrate our birthday we're celebrating life when you're celebrating an achievement you're still celebrating a thing yes and

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so celebrating life when you're celebrating your breath when you're celebrating your life force your energy your soul the ability to love the ability to be kind the ability to have relational exchanges like we're having right now that's what you celebrate

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because if you only celebrate things now you're waiting for the next thing and i actually learned that completely from my wife rather whether it was consciously or unconsciously she didn't even know what she was doing this was totally all in my own head but i

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realized that every time i reached a new external peak or a new thing i expected to receive more love from her i expected that she would think something more cool of me and the answer was she didn't she loved me the

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same and i would always wonder how why does she not love me for this like how does she not respect me how does she not feel it differently i mean look what i'm doing look what i've achieved and

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when i kept working with that thought and i reflect deeply and i love breaking down my own thoughts and figuring it out and i really get stuck in there i realized that my wife loves me for my life and who i am not what i do

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yes and so she unintentionally trained me and taught me to disconnect my value from what i do to who i am which is what she loves me for and i realized that that was so much more beautiful and so much more powerful

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and so much more meaningful to be loved for who i am yes than what i do and achieve yes and here's here's now an even bigger thing please you already do this but as you're listening to jay and i i

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want you to actually grasp how profound it would be if you could feel that way about yourself [Music] if you could always just look in the mirror and see a human being that's trying and that's worthy of a high five

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and a human being that failed and okay we're gonna brush it off and that's worthy of a high five somebody who is running the marathon of life that you're going to celebrate every step of the way and you know i also want to take this

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and flip this in the opposite because i think this is where people really get mucked up this happened in my own marriage and it's only a recent discovery between chris and i and that is that we had the opposite thing happen

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jay so when chris and his best friend went into the restaurant business and they poured seven years into it and gave it their go and at the end of the day they sold it you know for pennies on the

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dollar to the next investor and they did not return the profit that they had hoped they would return to their investors now what was interesting about watching this all go down is that our best friend who was chris's partner was able to

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leave the experience and go okay entrepreneurship i'm so proud of us we put in so much work we built something amazing we had an incredible brand we're incredible leaders did we return the profit no but that's not everything in life and he moved on

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my husband could not he literally said because i didn't achieve because i failed i am a failure who is not worthy of love and for seven years he has walked into a bathroom with the dust that has said i am a failure

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and so as you have been looking for why doesn't she love me more somebody who fails goes how can you still love me and it's only until it doesn't matter how much i love the guy it doesn't matter how much i build him up and you

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know i'm so proud of everything that he's done and all the stuff that chris is doing and he's had a massive breakthrough in this and part of it is through the high five habit because of the resistance but i can't do that look

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at look at the failure that i've been if you don't love yourself you won't allow somebody else to love you yeah and so when you can separate what you're doing from your soul and your intention and your spirit and your humanity

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and you can stand with yourself every morning and that high five doesn't necessarily become celebration it becomes acceptance and it becomes compassion and it becomes acknowledgement and then it becomes slowly celebration and momentum and forward energy that you need

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when life drags you down yeah and so it's really a profound point you just made that it's only when you love yourself for breathing for living for being just as you are that that level of acceptance that we so want from everybody else and

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i'm telling you you have an opportunity to do it for yourself by keeping your promises by being kind yourself by standing before yourself and seeing a human being who needs you and who loves you and who's going to be with

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you your whole life that's beautiful it's amazing just just sitting there listening to you talk about that and when i'm thinking about what you said with chris we we've recently celebrated your 25th wedding anniversary which is incredible congratulations yeah i mean

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that's goals like so me and my wife we've been married what five together for eight when i hear you're 25 i'm like share all the wisdom give it to me uh tell me about what it's been like learning from each other especially

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seeing as your job is teaching yeah it's coaching it's working with ceos and organizations and people and of course millions of people online but you're working with so many companies as well how has it been for him and for you to

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learn from each other has that been easy has it been harder when you talk about the seven years and you're saying that broke partly through the high five habit for him i love hearing that because that makes me go yes like not only does

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this work for everyone it works for the people closest to you which says so much can you tell us a bit about yeah that well you know and also you know to chris's credit he also got into therapy

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and you know he did the work he did the work he and he started a men's retreat to help other men sold agreed to do the work and we've done a lot of work together which i think is really

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important it's so important to do work on yourself because it's not your partner's job to make you happy it's your job to figure out how to bring the happiest and healthiest and kindest you into the relationship because when you can do that

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you can build a like a a nurturing crucible if that's even the right word where you is that the right one i don't even know what you can build like a pot i don't know that sounds very unglamorous but we camp a lot um

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you know i think the hardest thing and it took me a long time was realizing that the most important thing in a relationship if you want it to go the distance is being kind and actually staying interested in the other person's experience and

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point of view like the the challenge of being in a relationship that long is you think you know somebody yeah and that's so true the fact is i don't care how great your relationship is or how bad it is or whatever but how

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great it is in particular there are parts of the person you're with that you don't know because even they don't know that totally and i don't even think chris realized the extent to which he was subconsciously pile driving himself with his mindset

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and it didn't matter that i thought he was the most incredible person in the world or the greatest father or wonderful spouse or my biggest cheerleader he didn't feel like those things and so i would say being kind listening

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i think also making requests of each other really important so instead of pointing out what's wrong think about what you need because even though chris and i have been together for 27 years now married 25 i'm still not a mind reader

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and when you can make requests about what you need instead of letting it get to you and then acting out that changes everything that's incredible i love hearing that thank you for sharing that and thank you for opening up i i met chris for the

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first time probably about a month ago now he's wonderful like he's just such a gentleman so kind so sweet so loving very warm i mean we had so many beautiful interactions and conversations while we're in napa together and

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i i just love seeing you both continuing to you know really just show what real strength looks like as a couple well you know jay i think one of the other things that has been fascinating is you've got to leave room for each

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other to grow yeah so we've also gone through tremendous evolutions as a couple where you know for a while we were both working and we were sort of 50 50 in terms of what we earned and then chris

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started to out earn me and then i kind of took the second roll and the next thing you know he's going into entrepreneurship and i'm sort of growing in the corporate market next thing you know we find ourselves financially

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imploding 800 000 in debt horrible experience 12 years ago about to lose everything and what was interesting is it was that crisis that flipped us into the right roles chris as you met his name's christopher robbins he's like the world's most

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nurturing man you know winnie the pooh's owner for crying out loud he doesn't care about money and building things and fancy stuff he would live in a yurt if i would want to i do not did you hear that

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chris i do not um it was through that that i discovered my own ambition that i actually do care about building things i do want to go out and play that game in business i freaking love it and

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it happened at the perfect time because it was at the moment when we had kids in middle school and they needed somebody more nurturing than me to be home and they needed somebody and so our kids have had the

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greatest gift because they've seen our partnership evolve they've seen a dad that stayed home for a while they've seen a mom off in the world building something and the biggest message is that you're only going to stay together

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if you continue to talk one of the things that our therapist has said to us that i think about all the time so steal this it's really easy when you get along to do the logistics and transactions of

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life but you can start to find yourself very sequestered from each other but together and in roles but never going deeper and so i think when you notice that either you're not growing or your partner's not growing that's when it's really important to

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start turning toward one another yeah that's so true that's so true i've always said like for me right now watching radhi grow is like my favorite thing in the world because she's almost just in the last 18 months really discovered her purpose

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she's always been very skilled and talented and had lots of strengths but it was in this last 18 months that i saw her really embrace herself high five yeah yeah yeah like she really got to that point here's

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high five yeah high five for herself and and to really claim that and own that and it's the most fun thing seeing your partner find that and i was like we're gonna clear up your whole schedule so you can just do that because i see

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that that momentum is coming for you and i think often what it is and and you talk about this i have a few more questions i want to ask you but it's this idea of often even in our

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partners you talk about jealousy in chapter eight you talk about a chapter which you call why is life so easy for them and not for me and i've noticed that this sometimes can even creep i want to talk about it

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broadly but it can also creep into our own marriage in relation oh for sure where people think oh well i did and and you know there's there's pros and cons to this so obviously in our life i was

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the one who who built my purpose and career and riley was building her skills and her strengths and it's so easy to get caught up in the mindset of well i didn't have someone who was gonna help me out when i started

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out because i didn't uh and you can even have that in your own relationship and it can be so poisonous and toxic in your own relationship but you also talk about how jealousy can be used as a tool oh yeah so i wanted to

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hear about that because i think we do live in a world today whether it's in our own relationships whether it's broadly we always look oh it's easy for them it's not for me oh everything's working out for them it's not for me i

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work even harder than that person does but they're winning i'm not i'm more talented and skilled than that person but so when you're feeling how do you use that as a tool okay so i love that you asked us because this is a powerful

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tool first of all we all misunderstand jealousy you think jealousy is hatred that's not what it is all jealousy is desire that's all that it is and when it starts to bubble up and consume you and it used to

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consume me like crazy i used to be just like that person that you were talking about jake jealous of everybody j i hate jay jay has a podcast oh for i hate jay jay's been at this longer than look at

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all those followers that jay has oh of course he lives in la of course he's got to sort like i mean i could just whoo spin it all but here's the thing this is the coolest part about jealousy

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you ready you cannot be jealous of someone or something that you don't truly desire i'm not the least bit jealous of somebody who has the most extraordinary apartment in new york city i don't want to live there it's not meant for me

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jealousy is a clue it's a directional signal it's a dot on the map of your life and the desire is blocked by fear or comparison or insecurity or stress or whatever and so when you start to recognize oh

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interesting there's jealousy well i'm jealous of jay he's got this incredible podcast that's reaching millions of people he's making this huge difference what is it about that is it about jade yeah no but really what it's about is

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i've been wanting to do a podcast forever so instead of aiming that jealousy out at the world or at myself aim it into inspiration aim it into motivation recognize and give yourself permission that if you unpack whatever it is that

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you're jealous of i'm jealous of their marriage what is it about it is it the fact that they seem to have a date night is it the fact that they're really kind to each other explore it lean into it

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give yourself permission to have that thing and then get off your ass and go make it happen that's it because here's the thing your jealousy is not going away and it will either continue to consume you or you are going to blow the lid off

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that block desire and you are going to empower yourself to start moving toward what you want that's how you do it and again this high five habit is so important because if you stand in front of the mirror and go

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i'm too late i'd just be a copycat all these people see you dumb like this is what the beat down is yeah if you go no you high-five yourself you're like i see you, you, are, a little, bit, later, than

Speaker A

everybody else great they're guide posts on the map of your life yeah all these people are your co-creators everybody you're jealous of is literally somebody that is running point for you but you haven't allowed yourself the permission to unpack it and actually

Speaker A

question and go on an inquiry that's so rewarding of well wow what is really calling me about this yeah i i think that's so true and i love seeing jealousy that way and you you said something there was really important

Speaker A

that i want people to catch on if they didn't is jealousy is a tool when you're self-aware like you are self-aware i don't want an apartment in new york hence if someone has a stunning apartment in new york i don't feel

Speaker A

jealous but a lot of us our jealousy is just scattered because we don't know what we want or what our dream truly is so then everyone's dream feels exciting and better than ours and that's why i think what you said is so

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true when people actually can develop a little bit of self-awareness of what is my genuine dream because i remember i talk a lot about like when you don't find your purpose you're jealous of everyone and when you know your purpose

Speaker A

then you become jealous in your space of your purpose and at least it narrows it down but it's like when you don't know it's like i could look at a singer and be like oh i wish i could sing like oh i

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should have had that or if i'm and i know i can't sing to save my life so when i have that self-awareness i can detach okay don't need to be jealous of justin bieber i'm not just people that's

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okay right right or like cristiano ronaldo i love soccer i adore soccer but i was never good enough to play soccer in a right for the premier league club or whatever so i can let go of that and

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that's, why, i think, self-awareness, is, so important because otherwise jealousy will just drive you crazy and and i think that's where it starts that jealousy can be a tool when you actually know yourself well and jealousy let's take this a step further

Speaker A

actually can help you know yourself yeah because i think what justin bieber and you know the soccer player have in common is they are living full out yes their life force is on display yes that's what you're attracted to yes and

Speaker A

so if you were to even take all your scattered jealousy and sit with a cup of amazing tea and calm yourself down and you know like we haven't even talked about high-fiving your heart which is a way to flip your nervous system into a

Speaker A

calm state and map it all out and be like oh interesting all these people that i'm jealous of that i follow online that i obsess over that i like their posts it's their life force yeah it's their artistry it's the obsession yes yes and

Speaker A

so that is there is there is a common theme there and it can help you gain the self-awareness absolutely i want to ask you one last question before we go to final five this is about a chapter that

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you call uh how about i start tomorrow and i love this because i think so many people will be listening to this and be like okay tomorrow i'm going to start doing yes and that's you know we all know that

Speaker A

okay next monday okay no 2022. i'm going to read this book january 2022 right people yeah we start thinking like that tell us about how that mindset doesn't help us do it tomorrow yeah are you kid so first

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of all motivation is complete garbage everybody's sitting around waiting to feel like a j and this is a recipe for never seeing your dreams come true and dying with a lot of regret thank you very much welcome to my ted talk this

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has been very inspiring no i seriously like i want you to understand that you will never feel ready to do things that scare you you will never feel ready to jump off the cliff you will never feel ready to take that

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leap and the reason why is based on science and research your brain is designed to protect you and change requires risk and so you are protecting yourself by saying maybe tomorrow this is where the five second rule comes in super handy so

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if you are constantly procrastinating you probably have a bias towards thinking and you can use the five second rule to literally push yourself to take action all you're gonna do is count backwards five four three two one that's

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it i know it's as dumb as the high five it's as simple as the high five it has profound research behind it because what you're doing when you start counting backwards and you have to count backwards it does not work if you count

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up doesn't work because counting backwards five four three two one requires you to focus when you focus you flip the switch and your prefrontal cortex turns on this is a starting ritual that interrupts the patterns of overthinking of fear of anxiety of procrastination of

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comparison that are making you go up tomorrow not today i don't feel like it five four three two one your prefrontal cortex turns on that's the part of the brain you need to either learn new behavior or take

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action that's inspired so now when you get to one you got a shot at doing something different so move and here's the real secret to this the second you started counting you actually made a decision to change so the counting is the trojan horse to

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the bigger thing you're avoiding 54321 launches you through the resistance and it pushes you into action that's the only way you're going to change sitting there listening to us lightning is not going to strike you on the couch

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jay and i are not going to show up and kick you or drag you out of your house and make you go on that run if you want to change your life you must make a decision to change your

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life and you know i'm going to say something that i really hope happens from you listening to jay and i today i think it's very easy to sit in this moment in your life and to look back at your life and to see how everything

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that's ever happened to you positive and negative is a dot on the map of your life that has led you here true power is knowing that this moment right here is also a dot on your map and that this moment too is connecting

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you forward on the map of your life towards something extraordinary that hasn't happened yet and you can either sit here and listen to this and let this dot come and go or you can wake the heck up and realize at some

Speaker A

point the map takes you to a final destination and we don't know when that is but if you want to change your life you got to make a decision to change your life and sitting around and waiting to

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feel ready is not the decision i want you to make so when you're done listening to this 54321 i want you to turn toward that thing that you've always dreamt of that you've been waiting to do and you go

Speaker A

and you move toward the thing that is meant for you because that's the only way you're gonna get there the one and only mel robbins everyone the high five habit uh mel we end every episode with the final five which suits you perfectly

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with the five second rule and the high five five it's like we planned it uh and this is our fast five so every question has to be answered in one word to one sentence oh okay so i give once

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yeah yeah yeah okay so the first question is what is the best advice you've ever received never leave a bathroom without high-fiving yourself in a mirror i love it all right question number two what is the worst advice

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you've ever received someone else can make you happy absolutely they can make you a cup of coffee yeah they can't make you happy a lot of people hear that it's very true um i i didn't get to ask you this probably

Speaker A

but i want to hear about it tell us about high-fiving your heart hand on your heart oh this is incredible so this comes from research from uh dr judy willis and this is why this is so important right now i think everybody's nervous

Speaker A

system is in a state or fight or flight if you feel constantly exhausted stressed out you can't focus um you're on edge you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and honestly what we've just lived through the human body is not

Speaker A

built to sustain that level of uncertainty for that amount of time so what you're going to do to high five your heart is we're gonna teach you how to flip off your fight-or-flight nervous system and flip on your parasympathetic calm cool

Speaker A

nervous system and so here's how you do it it's very simple you're gonna take your hands and push them on the center of your chest and you're gonna take a deep breath blow it out and then you're going to

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repeat these three sentences i'm okay i'm okay i'm safe i'm safe i'm loved i'm loved and some mornings you might need to do it 53 times what's happening and what do you feel jay when you do that i feel i mean on a physical level i feel

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like my heart rate's slowing down i feel like my body's become more relaxed in a in an emotional or mental capacity i just feel a sense a more stillness a sense of more clarity and certainty exactly what you're doing on a scientific level

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is you're tapping into a treasure in your body called the vagus nerve now you talk about this all the time it runs from your seat to the top of your head through every major organ through your vocal cords there are lots of ways you

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can strengthen strengthen the vagus nerve it is the on off switch between your stressed out nervous system and your cool grounded one and so every morning i want you to high five your heart i want you to take a deep breath and

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start your day by saying i am okay i'm safe and i'm loved and repeat it and repeat it and repeat it until you feel yourself come back into your body you feel the stress level decrease and the fact of the matter is if you can

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hear yourself even thinking those three sentences it's true we had a woman who uh wrote to us from a homeless or a domestic violence shelter and she said that she's had tremendous childhood abuse she's just escaped a very abusive

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relationship she's lost everything she said for five days she's been waking up and high-fiving her heart telling herself that i'm okay i'm safe i'm loved she's been starting her day with a high five in the mirror and she said after just five days

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i realized i have a very long road ahead of me but now i know at least i still have myself wow that's incredible it's absolutely beautiful i i uh it's funny because when when i was reading about that in the book i didn't

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realize it so i have a habit of that's probably one of my go-to hand gestures in my day-to-day life and i do it usually when someone thanks me so if i bump into someone on the street and they're like hey listen to

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the podcast i really love it i'll always say thank you so much like that's a very nice you do that's my it's my name so when i read about it i was like i didn't know about i do it because it's just a

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natural thing for me but i'll literally promise i'm like thank you so much that means the world to me i'm so grateful for that like that's that's and i do that all the time it's it's like my go-to hand gesture um not that i've

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trained it or thought of it subconsciously been what i've done and now that i know that it does that i'm like wow like it's it's incredible to think that some of these things actually happen quite subconsciously and you know naturally so anyway that was

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something i had to ask about okay beautiful question number four uh what is how would you define your current purpose oh it's uh cracking the wall of darkness that people live in and letting a little light in and the fifth and final question if you

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could create one rule or law or habit that everyone in the world had to follow what would it be i'm not sure uh it would definitely be because of the impact in my life never leave a bathroom without high-fiving the

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human being you see in the mirror yeah i love that i'm going to be doing it every day this week awesome and and forever i'm gonna hope that it continues to last and last and last as i have it but i'm

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so grateful to you mel we could talk for hours there's so much more in this book to unpack and i want every single person who's been listening or watching to this podcast to go and grab a copy of the

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high five habit take control of your life with one simple habit as mel has talked about this podcast there are way more than one habit inside this book it's not just one habit there are so many beautiful gems and i always believe

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when you deeply study a habit it becomes easier to implement it you can hear about something or read about an article or hear that little nugget of wisdom but if you study a habit the implementation is that much deeper mel you have a high

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five challenge yes so it's a five day challenge to help you break through and wipe away the dust on or the mud in my case with the elbow grease on the mirror and it's five days of literally teaching and tools and here's the best

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part a massive global community that's going to be high-fiving you back it's free come play with us come be with us let us give you the lift that you need right now because you not only need it you

Speaker A

deserve it that's amazing thank you everyone who's been listening and watching i want to make sure that you tag me and mel on instagram with all the reflections all the insights anything that mel said that resonated with you

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please tag mel and i on instagram on twitter on facebook whatever platform you're on we love seeing what resonated with you what connected with you and don't forget you can help someone else with this by just passing it on just

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simply sharing it is you taking part in impacting the world and improving the world around you share with your mother your father a sister a friend a partner or your your children it could be an amazing habit to them for them to train

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just starting right now imagine they had this since they were five or six or seven or ten it could be amazing to see where it goes for them so please do not deprive anyone of the growth that's possible for them uh by resisting

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pressing share or passing this along to a friend mel thank you so much again for making the effort to be with us physically for writing this beautiful book for showing up in the way that you do and sharing your energy and i'm so grateful

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that we got i'm doing it now i'm so grateful that we got to spend this time together and i am so excited for this to get out into the world i can't believe the impact it's already had and the

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impact that it's going to have so as brendan would say i sense something amazing is about to happen thank you and thank you for being one of those people ahead of me that i used to be jealous of but i now see is a light on

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the path i love you i love you it is such a joy to watch you live your purpose and light the way for so many of us i am honored to be your friend and to walk beside you and

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celebrate you every step of the way j shetty high five i love it i love it and it's actually totally the opposite way around i made i made a really important decision about a company that i worked with based on

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you oh is it was it a good one it was a great one and so and so we could talk about but there was the admiration was very mutual i was i i loved what was happening in your

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world in your career and i made decisions based on that so awesome um i just want you to know that thank you thank you thank you if you want even more videos just like this one make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes

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over here i'm also excited to let you know that you can now get my book think like a monk from think like a monkbook.com check below in the description to make sure you order today

Topics:Mel RobbinsProcrastinationSelf-DoubtHigh Five HabitFive-Second RulePersonal DevelopmentSelf-LoveMotivationMental HealthJay Shetty Podcast

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