Speaker A
If it doesn't make me crazy, if I don't experience the complete passion and fear of annihilation, then I'm a nothing. I'm a nobody.
Esther Perel coaches a 26-year-old woman who loses herself in relationships, exploring anxiety about being alone, fear of not being good enough, and the flip side of single-life 'freedom'.
Key Takeaways
- Losing yourself in a relationship and withdrawing from it can stem from the same underlying anxiety.
- Maintaining boundaries and self-expression is easiest before attachment grows, and must be practiced as feelings deepen.
- Fear of not being good enough drives people-pleasing and self-erasure.
- Closeness that doesn't require abandoning yourself is possible and worth learning, even if it feels less intense at first.
What the video covers
- A 26-year-old woman asks whether being in a relationship is right for her, having felt more fulfilled single than with past partners.
- She notices she becomes absorbed and needy once she starts to feel attached, losing her sense of self to keep a partner.
- Perel frames this as two sides of the same anxiety: holding on to the other at the expense of self, or holding on to self to avoid anyone entering her orbit.
- The woman tends to plan a whole future early in relationships, so losing a partner feels like losing her entire future.
- Underneath is a worry that she is not good enough and must twist herself into what partners want.
- Perel explores her history, noting boundaries are easier before attachment forms and collapse once she starts falling in love.
- Discussion of intensity: the woman is used to high-stakes emotional 'spice' and finds calm, healthy closeness feels bland at first.
- Perel encourages her to voice her needs and truths early, and to stay connected to herself rather than disappearing into the other.
- The conversation also touches on perfectionism and inner critical voices that drive people-pleasing and self-erasure.
- The session closes with a reflection on love dying from blindness, errors and betrayals, and the need to replenish its source.
Chapters
- 00:00Intensity, Fear and the Need to Feel Alive
- 01:45The Client's Question: Relationship or Single Life?
- 05:00Where to Begin: Past Self and Present Relationship
- 08:00The Switch: Losing Self When Attached
- 13:00Anxiety, Future Fantasies and Feeling Not Good Enough
- 18:00Patterns Across Past Relationships
- 23:00Voice, Perfectionism and Speaking Truth
- 47:30Closing Reflections on Love and Replenishment
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
If I don't feel like it's between life and death, then I don't experience enough intensity. It's bland.
Speaker A
It's like I've been so used to eating super spicy food, and when it's not burning my palate, I don't really feel the taste.
Speaker A
But you have the equivalent of that a little bit, and in it, it would really be like a saving.
Speaker A
I can do it. I'm on the other side. I can be here. I deserve to be here. I'm not a failure after all. I mean, it's all life and death, on or off. Success or failure, fraud or not.
Speaker A
And on the other side, yes, it feels more gentle, you know, but it feels a little bit like, where's the flavor? Where's the excitement? Where's the release? Where's the relief? Where's the...
Speaker A
Hi, I'm a 26-year-old woman, and the question that I'm trying to figure out is whether or not being in a relationship is right for me.
Speaker A
So, I grew up kind of expecting that I was going to find the perfect man someday and get married and have kids, and that then my life would be perfect and I would be happy, and that's all I would ever need.
Speaker A
And I've been with men that I love, but I don't think I've ever been in a relationship that made me feel happier or more fulfilled than I do when I'm single.
Speaker A
I felt like my partners were always trying to get me to do things that I didn't want to do, or to live my life in ways that I didn't want to.
Speaker A
And I think partly that's because I'm pretty introverted, and I'm also kind of a perfectionist.
Speaker A
And neither of those things is bad. Like, I don't dislike those things about myself, but I think they make it very easy for me to feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in a direction that I don't want to go.
Speaker A
So I've been kind of questioning whether even being in a relationship at all is really the right thing for me.
Speaker A
And the problem is that I'm just worried that I'm going to end up alone in my old age.
Speaker A
You know, right now I have my parents close by, and I'm very open to the idea of having a child by myself, but once I get older and my parents are gone and my kid moves away, maybe I don't want to be alone with no family.
Speaker A
But I also just feel so much more myself when I'm single.
Speaker A
So I'm trying to figure out, should I keep looking for a partner, or should I just decide that I'm okay by myself?
Speaker A
So I'm hoping that maybe you can help me with some of this.
Speaker A
So, when I sent it in, I was not seeing anyone.
Speaker A
And then about a week later, actually, I met someone.
Speaker A
So I've been seeing him for a couple of months now.
Speaker A
So I'm just in a little bit of a different place than I was at that point.
Speaker A
Okay. So we can go to where you were, and we can go to where you are. Where would you like to begin? Where should we begin?
Speaker A
I don't know. I think maybe both. I guess I feel sometimes like a switch flips a little bit when I'm single versus when I'm in a relationship.
Speaker A
Give me the switch and give me the flip.
Speaker A
Like when I'm just me, I can be who I want to be.
Speaker A
And I get to decide how things are.
Speaker A
And when I'm seeing someone, I feel like, you know, unintentionally, not like I'm trying to do this, but I just get sort of sucked in to that person.
Speaker A
And I feel like everything becomes about keeping the relationship going at all costs.
Speaker A
And I feel needy in a way that I don't feel when I'm by myself.
Speaker A
And you know, I've been trying to be more aware of that this time and course-correct a little bit, but I still just feel like, when I'm around this person that I'm seeing, I'm just totally absorbed by that.
Speaker A
And I don't really feel like I'm in myself.
Speaker A
And then as soon as I leave, I kind of have this moment of waking up again.
Speaker A
I don't know if that makes a lot of sense, but shall I tell you what I'm hearing?
Speaker A
Sure.
Speaker A
When I am by myself, I don't experience the challenge of staying connected with myself while also connecting with someone else.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
When I enter a relationship, I lose the connection to myself.
Speaker A
In fact, in order not to lose the other, I lose me.
Speaker A
Mhm.
Speaker A
And I don't know how to experience closeness that doesn't do away with me.
Speaker A
Knowing that this doesn't come from the other person.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
Nor does it come from what the relationship is doing to me.
Speaker A
It actually is a vulnerability that I bring with me to relationships.
Speaker A
Yeah. I added the last piece. You're right, though. Yes, that's true.
Speaker A
So, tell me about it.
Speaker A
What do you know about this part of you that starts to feel anxious?
Speaker A
Starts to want to hold on rather than hold.
Speaker A
Yeah. Starts to be afraid that you're going to lose the relation of the other person.
Speaker A
And so you make a zillion compromises with yourself that nobody asked for.
Speaker A
And then of course you start to feel a kind of liberation when you're alone, which isn't really a liberation.
Speaker A
It's primarily a liberation from this yoke and from this anxiety.
Speaker A
Yeah.
Speaker A
There's nothing really free about it, because it basically is the other side.
Speaker A
It's the flip side of the same anxiety.
Speaker A
In one, I hold on to the person at the exclusion of me, and in the other, I hold on to me at the exclusion of anybody else entering my orbit.
Speaker A
Yeah. I didn't think about it that way, but I saw the smile as I was saying the sentence.
Speaker A
Yeah. So, what do you know about it? Because this has happened a few times.
Speaker A
Yeah. You're young. You're 26.
Speaker A
Mhm. You're, you know, worried about being alone.
Speaker A
At 26, to think, I'm going to be an old lady by myself when my parents are gone, is an interesting worry to have, but it's because you are aware of something. You know, you carry something with you.
Speaker A
I think, I mean, that part of it, I've always been prone to thinking way ahead, like too much, you know?
Speaker A
I think every time that I enter into a relationship, I'm immediately thinking about, you know, is this the right person for me to marry, and would he be a good dad?
Speaker A
And, you know, I just build up a whole future right away.
Speaker A
And I think part of it is that because I do that, then if I lose the person, it's like I'm losing my future.
Speaker A
Like I'm losing the idea of what it is going to look like.
Speaker A
And it's scary. It's like I have to figure out my whole life all over again.
Speaker A
I don't know. I guess the feeling anxious about you, like holding on tightly to the other person, I think there's part of me that just doesn't feel confident that I'm, like, good enough.
Speaker A
I worry a lot that I'm going to do something wrong, or that, you know, I just really have to try to be adequate.
Speaker A
I'm not sure I followed you. I'm not sure that I'm good enough for what?
Speaker A
To stay with. That they will want to stay with me.
Speaker A
Mhm. And therefore, I turn myself into a pretzel.
Speaker A
Yeah. And I try to imagine what they want me to be.
Speaker A
Yeah. Which they may or may not even have asked for.
Speaker A
Mhm. Because in fact, maybe they were drawn to the me that is not trying to twist herself into...
Speaker A
Yes.
Speaker A
Huh. Yeah. So, you've had other relationships, right?
Speaker A
Mhm. How long have they lasted?
Speaker A
Um, a couple of them just a few months, and then I was with someone for about two years.
Speaker A
Okay. So give me a little bit of the story.
Speaker A
You are falling in love with me, or you're drawn to me, but wait till you get to know me, and you won't want to stay one extra hour.
Speaker A
Yeah, I think at the beginning, before I have feelings for the person, really when I'm still just getting to know him, I have an easier time kind of staying myself and having boundaries, in a healthy way.
Speaker A
And then it's like, as soon as I start to feel attached, or I'm starting to fall in love a little bit, I just kind of switch into this, like, do everything that I have to to convince him to stay.
Speaker A
And have you ever wondered about that?
Speaker A
Yeah. It's just like, I'm aware of it. I'm very aware of it, but I can't stop myself sometimes, you know?
Speaker A
All right. And how have you made sense of it for yourself?
Speaker A
When I have no feelings for you, I'm very comfortable being in my own skin, in my own body, in my own self-reflection.
Speaker A
Mhm.
Speaker A
And I appreci
Speaker A
Not not nice. Yeah. I mean, when I was really upset, I would just say all kinds of terrible things and just I mean, even things that I didn't even really think were true. I would just say mean things to myself,
Speaker A
such as, you know, like you're in your room. I mean that little girl is alive and well like I mean like everything from you know stupid and lazy and mean and like I would call myself fat even though I
Speaker A
wasn't and I knew I wasn't and that wasn't even an issue in what my parents thought or what I thought of myself, you know, just like throw everything mean that I could think of at myself.
Speaker A
Mhm. So I was angry with me. Yeah. Mhm. And when I think I'm better off alone.
Speaker A
Mhm. It's that voice. I'm angry with you for what you make me feel about me. I want nothing to do with you.
Speaker A
Yeah. men, partners, lifelong companions, etc. Yep. It's not an anger that calls them by names, but it's an anger that says, "I'd rather be alone." Yeah. It feels easier.
Speaker A
Mhm. You know, but there's a [ __ ] you in there. Probably. It's a good [ __ ] you, but you need to be able to say it without having to deprive yourself.
Speaker A
Without having to isolate yourself as a way to disempower them. Yeah. So they have no such influence and control over you.
Speaker A
You will isolate yourself from them, but it doesn't solve anything. Mhm. It's just the other side of I'm angry with me and I put myself down or I'm angry with you and I take away any opportunity you would have to boss me
Speaker A
around. I turned that into like in my head I turned it into if I decide to stay single and be a single mom by choice then I'm making a statement about how strong women can be.
Speaker A
Oh yeah. Right. and like you know but yeah I think what you're saying makes more sense than that we are not strong because we don't need anybody.
Speaker A
Yeah. Yeah. That is one of the weirdest thoughts. Yeah. And I know it's true. I I do and I believe that. It's just about like feeling it instead of just believing it in my mind.
Speaker A
So if we go back to that little girl in her room, Yeah. who is basically hitting herself with words, with put downs harder than her dad did.
Speaker A
Yeah. So that in some weird way if I do it to myself, you're not doing it to me.
Speaker A
Mhm. And then I'm going to promise myself redemption tomorrow morning. I'll come back transformed.
Speaker A
Perfect. I'll come back perfect. So you can't pick at anything. And of course that wasn't possible.
Speaker A
No. So then what would happen? What happened with that critical self demeaning harsh voice inside of you over the years? Where did it go?
Speaker A
Um, I don't really speak to myself that way anymore. One of the things that bugs me is that I'm a pretty confident person in most of my life in my work and with my friends and and even with my family. Like my relationship
Speaker A
with my dad is much easier now. And I don't feel like this is really an issue that I have that much except in the context of romantic relationships. And it's like I just regress and become a different person
Speaker A
than I am in the rest of my life. And I don't I don't really like who I am in that context, you know.
Speaker A
Do you remember a time when you noticed that instead of criticizing yourself and picking you actually thought, "Oh, I'm all right. I'm okay. I did well." Mhm. I mean, I definitely became aware that I was speaking to myself in a an
Speaker A
unkind way and I worked on not doing that anymore, you know. How did you do it?
Speaker A
I guess I had to sort of just let go of being the best at everything. I think for a long time that that voice, you know, my dad's voice or my voice or whatever it was was kind of my my main
Speaker A
source of motivation to do things like to be high achieving and and really everything that I was doing in my life. And at a certain point, I just kind of stopped worrying as much about being perfect.
Speaker A
But now I feel like I don't know where to get motivation as well. I feel like it was all from this judgment and this criticism. And that's another thing just kind of apart from relationships that I've been thinking about a lot lately is
Speaker A
like um how do I get myself to want to do something or want to do more or better if it doesn't come from a place where I kick myself?
Speaker A
Yeah. Exactly. Mhm. Have you tried Yeah. I mean, I think like there's a lot of things that I want to do that take dedication and hard work. for example.
Speaker A
Um well like I'm so I'm a violinist and I went through kind of a stage of not I you know I used to practice a ton like kind of obsessively and and that was definitely driven by a lot of this
Speaker A
self-criticism and then I kind of stopped doing that for a while because I was just burned out and I was tired of like evaluating myself based on how well I played the violin And now I really I would like to be
Speaker A
practicing more consistently than I do. But I don't know, it's just hard to find the the internal motivation now now that I don't have that voice saying like you're going to mess up this audition or you're not going to know your music for
Speaker A
this gig or whatever. Like I can't really find a a place of just enjoyment and wanting to do it for myself.
Speaker A
Um, and do you fail the audition? No. But I'm not usually as perfectly prepared as I would like to be in an ideal world.
Speaker A
Okay. But did you miss the audition? No. No. So, you still get to perform. You play solo. You play parts of orchestras in an orchestra. Big orchestras or or chamber?
Speaker A
Yeah. Yeah. In a symphony. Okay. So, did I do I hear you correct? I am less tense. I don't kick my fingers with my bow.
Speaker A
And yet, I'm not doing any less well. I just feel that the tight jaw and the harshness isn't present. And I became so used to identifying that harshness with motivation and drive.
Speaker A
And when I don't have that negative energy inside of me, it almost feels like there is no energy or no drive at all.
Speaker A
Yeah. But when I look at the actual outcome, it's not necessarily true. Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker A
How does Yeah. How does that How do I transfer that into a relationship with the person into my love life?
Speaker A
Yeah. Then let's stay with this because it's good to go and look in a different part of life.
Speaker A
Mhm. And then see what we can apply. I mean, watch this, right? For years saying to myself, you're stupid. You're nil. nothing's going to come out of you. What the hell is wrong?
Speaker A
Push yourself, try harder, etc. Fundamentally, it convinced you that your strength, your drive, your persistence, your six hours of practice a day came from that.
Speaker A
Yeah. Nothing to do with the love of the violin. A little bit. There was some of that.
Speaker A
The poor violin is part of the story after all. But something inside of you convinced yourself, equated harshness with drive.
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Mhm. Or motivation. And the harshness with motivation than with success. But when you look at what has changed, you realize that by being slightly less self-critical and less harsh, less abusive toward yourself, honestly.
Speaker A
Mhm. You still have the drive on occasion, maybe not as intensely. I'm not sure if that means you're less prepared.
Speaker A
I think you may be you may have been as less prepared back then because you put as much energy into the ftting around it.
Speaker A
But in any case, it doesn't change the outcome. It doesn't make you fail the auditions or not play in a certain orchestra, etc., etc. So, that's a very interesting thing to ponder for a moment.
Speaker A
I don't know. There's just something about it that feels less satisfying. Like I've haven't done it well enough to succeed by other people's standards, but like it's just not enough for for me.
Speaker A
Right. Because But tell me, is it because when you live with a system that says all the time you're going to fail, you're going to fail, you're going to fail, you're going to fail. Then when you actually get the gig, you think,
Speaker A
I crossed the Rubicon. I'm safe. I succeeded. I went against everything I thought about myself. Of course, it feels great.
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Mhm. Whereas here, there's no big fear of failure that stands there warning you. So when you succeed, it's nice.
Speaker A
It's a small orgasm. It's not a big orgasm. Yeah. So, it feels less intense. It feels less dramatic.
Speaker A
Mhm. It feels less epic. Yeah. Yeah. I had not thought about that before. But, and now that you do.
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Yeah. I mean, I did always feel like it kind of like like when I did succeed, it was kind of against all odds and it was very euphoric. Mhm.
Speaker A
So you went from utter fear to relief to euphoria. Now you don't have the utter fear. So there is less of the sense of relief and there is not necessarily that sense of euphoria there. But the question is is
Speaker A
there a sense of calm, satisfaction, confidence, acquisition of experience, maturation, those pieces. Mhm. somewhat. Yeah. I think it's not it's not as intense.
Speaker A
Yeah. It's not nearly as dramatic. Yeah. You don't have the same dopamine Yeah. rush.
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Yeah. You don't have the same I'm alive. Right. I I deserve to be a musician.
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Yeah. I'm not a fraud. Yeah. I'm not I mean Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But on the other side of that is um Yes. It's calmer. It's more confident.
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Mhm. It's more confident. Yeah. It feel It makes me feel like I don't care as much.
Speaker A
I know. I know. I don't I don't like feeling like I don't care. You know if it doesn't make me crazy, if I don't experience the complete passion and fear of annulation, then I I'm a nothing. I'm a nobody.
Speaker A
If I don't feel like it's between life and death, then I don't experience enough intensity. It's bland.
Speaker A
It's like I've been so used to eating super spicy food and when it's not burning my pallet, I don't really feel the taste. Yeah, but you're you have the equivalent of that a little bit.
Speaker A
It would really be like a saving. I can do it. Yeah. I I'm on the other side. I can be here.
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I deserve to be here. I'm not a failure after all. I mean, it's all life and death.
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On or off, right? Success or failure. Fraud or not. Yeah. Yeah. And on the other side, yes, it feels it's more gentle, you know, but it feels a little bit like where's the flavor?
Speaker A
Where's the excitement? Where's the release? Where's the relief? Where's the Mhm. I look at myself in the mirror and I like, ah, you did it.
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You know, like I defeated the odds, right? I beat the obstacle, the internal obstacle, of course.
Speaker A
Do you think it will start to feel like there's more flavor? As I get used to it, I knew you would ask me that. Um, I think the first thing is how you interpret it. If you interpret it as I'm
Speaker A
less driven, then you may be distorting it. If it's not every concert is a proof that I deserve to be a musician, then it becomes I'm enjoying it more.
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Right. Rather than I saved my skin, you know, I saved myself from disgrace. Yeah.
Speaker A
Yeah. So the experience on the other side is when it's simply I enjoy doing what I love on a daily basis.
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It's no longer a test every time I play. A test not that I played well, a test that I'd even deserve to be a musician in the first place. And who the hell do you think you are, miss?
Speaker A
Yeah. That voice, that contemptuous voice. Mhm. So if you ask me what's on the other side, it's the joy of doing what you like without having to constantly fear that every time you play or every concert you're doing is a test to your identity, to
Speaker A
your self-worth, to your to all of that. But just and it is lower. Some concerts will still bring because the stakes are always higher and there's a different hall and a different conductor and a different piece to master. So, it's not like there are no
Speaker A
challenges, but they're not challenges to your core. Yeah. And it's hopefully more pleasant, more serene, but joyful.
Speaker A
Sounds good. Yeah, we like So now you're asking me and how does that translate?
Speaker A
Yeah. Tell me the relationship you just started. Tell me about you and him. I mean, it's so early, you know, like we've only known each other for a little while, but um he's very nice. A little bit older, not
Speaker A
not too much, like 5 years. And it's feeling good so far, but there have just been moments where I feel like I just get really anxious about whether I'm doing things right and if, you know, he's going to continue to want to see me
Speaker A
and I just want to be able to relax, you know. Does any of this come up?
Speaker A
Um, a little bit. Yeah. I I wouldn't say that I've kind of said all of this to him. Um but you're going to play the podcast.
Speaker A
Um maybe. I was just talking about it. Yeah. Hey, there's a lot of things about me you don't know.
Speaker A
Things that I have imagined one day I would tell you. Yeah. And I thought one way to share some of this with you is for us to listen to this together or just for you to listen to this and then we can
Speaker A
discuss. Yeah. Or you can just surprise him one day when you drive in the car and put this up.
Speaker A
Surprise. And say I want to play a piece for you. And then just watch the response. I I think uh you know there's a way in which when you hear a person speak authentically truthfully like that about themselves
Speaker A
and you feel a real tenderness toward them. Yeah. You don't feel actually I don't want this person. You actually, it's like it's a like a piece of music that uncovers itself and you start to hear the undertones and
Speaker A
the other layers in the piece. Yeah. I think that's kind of, you know, when I start to hear those things in another person, that's when I start to like I just I don't want to lose it, you know, because it's beautiful.
Speaker A
Yeah. then I think it will be a very interesting way for you to share some of what you grapple with.
Speaker A
I feel like I'm I'm getting better at noticing when this is happening, but I haven't quite figured out how to like just take a step back and, you know, reconnect with myself. And I was going to say something in reverse.
Speaker A
To ground yourself what you call to reconnect with yourself to ground yourself. You can just literally put your feet on the ground and press on your heels and bring your hands on your on the top of your knees
Speaker A
and press on them so that you're sitting totally up. Mhm. and you're holding the bony handles, the knees, the shoulders.
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So, you really are grounding. You can do that. You don't have to think and talk.
Speaker A
You can literally use your body, use your breath to hold your interiority. You can also when you start to feel rattled just take his hand and hold his hand and say nothing or ask him hold me and just
Speaker A
feels good or say nothing and just breathe in it. Yeah. into his arms. Basically, use your body to ground, to regulate, and to harness the connection internally.
Speaker A
Mhm. Rather than the flight, I leave myself. I leave my body. I try to please you just so that you will not leave me.
Speaker A
Mhm. You know, I feel these things particularly intensely when we're being physically intimate and I just, you know, like my body is already otherwise engaged, you know, and so that sometimes just feels like a situation where I can't um
Speaker A
you know, like I'm just I'm kind of trapped a little bit, you know? Why trapped?
Speaker A
I think I just have a lot of ideas about what I'm supposed to be doing, you know, and um do you like to be with him physically?
Speaker A
Yeah. Yeah, I do. It hasn't been very many times, but um yeah, I think a lot of this just kind of comes to a head in that context because there's a lot of messaging about what women are supposed to do to keep their
Speaker A
men interested in them and you know and like regardless of Well, what's one what's one physical thing that you do that you know for a fact is fing is I do something that I really don't particularly care about.
Speaker A
But I think I don't even know if he does, but I've decid I've learned I I was told I read whatever that I should and uh and in the process of that I literally disconnect from myself.
Speaker A
Mhm. Um, I think it's more at this point like I I've been worried about taking too long and I've been having a hard time just like being present enough and relaxed enough to really enjoy myself because there's just
Speaker A
this loop going in my head about like you have to hurry or else he's going to get bored and you know Um.
Speaker A
Mhm. Yeah. Do you fake it? No. But then I feel bad because then maybe he feels insecure because I didn't finish and blah blah blah blah.
Speaker A
And has that been a conversation or not yet? A little bit. Yeah, we we talked a little bit about just I told him that there's there's kind of a lot of voices in my head and that sometimes it makes
Speaker A
it hard to relax. Mhm. You know, he was very receptive to that. And I think it's just hard to trust that he really is going to be okay with it and that he's not just saying the right things because they're the right things.
Speaker A
He's saying the right things and you're doing the right things and everybody is. This is a beautiful look. You you just met.
Speaker A
Yeah. And all of this needs to come out in conversation. And the trust is built by taking the risks.
Speaker A
Small steps each time. The trust is built by you're saying, "I'm going to take time, not just time to come, time to get turned on. Time to feel grounded.
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Time to be in my body. Time to not feel like I'm here to please him only.
Speaker A
Time to find a way to play music together. Yeah. And I'm going to be overt about it.
Speaker A
No need to be so indirect. It's scary. But you will know because if he welcomes it or even if he has to adapt to it because he has his own insecurities because it's always insecure when there is nent love like this.
Speaker A
Yeah. It's always trepidations. Mhm. If he responds in that vein, then you know that there are two people here discovering each other and discovering themselves with the other.
Speaker A
Mhm. If he starts to become critical, then you probably know that you're in the wrong place.
Speaker A
Yeah. You know, you're in the wrong place because you're with someone with whom you're going to reactivate this entire mechanism of how you've reacted to the critical voice of the man whose love and attention you so yearned for.
Speaker A
Yeah. I think I just have to be brave enough to let that happen if it's going to happen to find out that he's not the right match if he isn't. And it feels safer to like to avoid that kind of discovery,
Speaker A
right? But no, it doesn't feel safer at all. Oh, no. I I know in what in what vein you're saying it, but it doesn't it doesn't.
Speaker A
It It doesn't feel safer at all. It just feels like it's the replay of an old story.
Speaker A
But I'm used to it is what I mean. Ah, I want. So you just say to him, I think I met the person with whom I want to learn to become more truthful.
Speaker A
I think I met the person with whom I would like to feel that I can be in my body and with you.
Speaker A
Mhm. Do you want that too? Are you willing to be patient with me? That is a level of self assertion that is very different. It's like you are I like you enough to want to do this with you.
Speaker A
Mhm. Take it as a compliment and put your fierceness that you've put into yourself criticism into expressing your wish.
Speaker A
Keep that energy. Keep that fierceness. But now apply it to your aspirations. Mhm. Yes.
Speaker A
Sounds so good. I can hear the, you know, the voices fighting back against this. Mhm.
Speaker A
But you can also have another voice that says, "So I met this woman. Her name is Estair. And she kind of told me to do something that I so deeply wanted and yearned for, but was very scared to ask for.
Speaker A
And yet there came a tipping point where I felt that not to ask for it.
Speaker A
Do you know the quote of um Anain? What is it? Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness
Speaker A
and wounds. It dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
Speaker A
So this session ends with my saying here's to your blossoming. Thank you. Really appreciate it.
Speaker A
You are welcome. This was an Estair calling, a one-time intervention phone call recorded remotely from two points somewhere in the world. If you have a question you'd like to explore with Estair that could be answered in a 40 or 50inute phone
Speaker A
call, send her a voice message and Aster might just call you. Send your question to producer eststerell.com.
Speaker A
Where should We begin with Esther Pel is produced by Magnificent Noise. We're part of the Vox Media Podcast Network in partnership with New York Magazine and The Cut. Our production staff includes Eric Nam, Destri Sibli, Sabrina Farh, Kristen Muller, and Juliet. Original
Speaker A
music and additional production by Paul Schneider. And the executive producers of Where Should We Begin are Estster Pell and Jesse Baker. We'd also like to thank Courtney Hamilton, Mary Alice Miller, and Jack Saul.
Topics:Esther Perelrelationshipsself-identityanxietyattachmentpeople-pleasingperfectionismintimacysingle lifetherapy session
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