The Hard Conversations BEFORE You Say "I Do" | Affinity The Love Lounge

[music] Hello, Affinity. Glad to have you here, our viewers, and all those that are joining us even for the first time. I would like you to share this link, subscribe, like. When you do, YouTube is able to ensure that this video is recommended to many more people, and they are able to be helped by the conversations that we have on this platform. Our heart's desire is only one: that we may be able to become a beacon of godly relationships, enable you to build and have godly relationships. Why do we do that? So that we all can build according to God. If He's the maker of everything, when we do things according to Him, then they become the best. Today, I'm again with my brother Adson. Greet these people.

recommended to many more people and they are able to be helped by the conversations that we have on this platform and our heart's desire is only one that we may be able to become a beacon of godly relationships enable you

Hi, Affinity viewers. I am very excited to be in this conversation that we have today, and yeah, I can't wait for what we can share together today. We are talking about before you say I do.

greet these people hi affinity viewers I am very excited to be um in this conversation that uh we have today and uh yeah I can't wait for what we can share together today we are talking about before you

Before you say I do. I do. Mhm. What comes to mind when you hear something like that?

A lot comes to my mind because there are so many things that I wish or I would tell myself before I said I do now because I'm in what I said I did.

A lot comes to my mind because there are so many things that I wish or I would tell myself before I said I do now because I'm in what I said I did.

not the actual things that we find in or that we expected when we said we did.

You're doing. [laughter] Yeah. So what comes to my mind before when you say that is, what are those important things and myths that probably we have had all over, put a lot of time into, and deeply are not the actual things that we find in or that we expected when we said we did.

It's critical to know who you are marrying and many other things that we will keep un unpacking today and but I want us to start from that angle especially from what you just said that uh because when you say I do you're

Yeah. Wow. Amazing. So me, I think about the idea that love is not enough.

Some of them want visas into other nations. They want citizenships in other spaces. Others want promotions and they work in places where you must be married. Others want to marry into a particular family. They have people have different reasons and goals why they do

It's critical to know who you are marrying and many other things that we will keep unpacking today. But I want us to start from that angle, especially from what you just said, that because when you say I do, you're doing into a person. It's basically a person and from whom we get other people. And so I want us to also reflect that usually it is people who are, in most cases, motivated by love. There are many other grounds people stand on to marry. Some of them want visas into other nations. They want citizenships in other spaces. Others want promotions, and they work in places where you must be married. Others want to marry into a particular family. People have different reasons and goals why they do and say I do. And so because of that, knowing that 99%, okay, maybe 90-something, are driven by love, I want to sing that beyond the love, it is important to know who you're saying I do to. And I want to hear from you some things because yes, I agree that love is important, but love alone does not prepare people, does not get people ready for the kind of lifestyle or the new change that is going to happen around their story. So I want you to give me a few reflections that you have on that thought that love is not enough but it's important to know who you are marrying. What comes to mind? Do you agree with that or do you think love is enough?

hear from you some things because yes I agree that love is important but love alone does not prepare people does not get people ready for the kind of lifestyle or the new change that is going to happen around their story. So I

Wow. It's so true a statement because before I actually got married, I think I had so much love. Allow me to use this as a story where there were girls I treated so well because of what I would get in return, probably how they take care of you, how they uphold you, how, and most of them would actually tell you, I think you would be a good husband, I think you'd be a good father. But the real motivation of the things that I did looked like I had so much love, how I took care of them.

think love is enough? Wow. It's so true a statement because uh before I actually got married um I think I had so much love. M allow me use this as a story um where there were girls I treated so well

When you're there, there are things love will not sustain. Mhm. There is a tired me that comes back home.

the real motivation of the things that I did looked like I had so much love how I took care of them.

There is a tired wife that will come back home. And it doesn't matter how much I love them.

There is a tired wife that will come back home. And it doesn't matter how much I love them.

Mhm. How she responds to me may actually wake up a certain thing in me that I did not know love would sustain. Mhm. There is a place in marriage that we have not probably been taught by love to work on the tired you, the exhausted you when finances are financing.

to work on the tired you, the exhausted you when finances are financing. So are you saying that you may love someone but not be prepared to marry them?

So are you saying that you may love someone but not be prepared to marry them?

I can still hurt you. People should be trained in love. People should understand love broadly. Some have love in one dimension or two dimension yet it is multi-dimensional. For example, many unmarried people but probably dating, they spend a lot of time doing the

Exactly. Because it's like it's a possibility to love someone but you're not prepared. It is a possibility because love does not sustain the marriage. Because when my character is going off guard, it doesn't matter how much you love me, I can still hurt you. People should be trained in love. People should understand love broadly. Some have love in one dimension or two dimensions, yet it is multi-dimensional. For example, many unmarried people but probably dating, they spend a lot of time doing the romance than they are learning the person. Yet learning the person is important and part of the love. I remember I think it was in one of our first episodes that we did where we got an opportunity to learn. I think we learned from you where we shared the first time that gifting that God has already put in each one of us feels that yes, and as beautiful as that is, because it is in every one of us, no one has taught us how that leads us into marriage. That's the feeling that comes to everyone, that first feeling of love, and it causes us that if I have a feeling of love for someone, then I think I am ready to say I do, to get them into marriage. And the very people who share very beautiful vows on the altar can't even sustain the marriage for even a month. They are fighting the very thing they said, I am glad you are my life that I found. You are the missing piece that I found. And tomorrow, when you find them, the biggest regret they are talking about is that very thing they thought that they loved.

think we learned from you where we shared the first time that gifting that God has already put in each one of us feels that yes and as beautyful as that is um because it is in every one of us

So while the feeling is for every one of us, while that first time to find love for an opposite sex can lead us into the I do, I think it does not necessarily sustain us into marriage. That there must be a real foundational talk that teaches us what actually the Bible would call love. The depth of what the Bible talks about love.

get them into marriage and the very people who share very beautiful war vows on the altar can't even sustain the marriage for even a month they are fighting the very thing they said I am glad you are my life that I

Yes. So love is multi-dimensional. There are other dimensions of love that need to be studied to sustain people in marriage. Rwanda is a very small country, both by size, geographical and population. But last year, the judiciary recorded settling 28 divorce cases per day.

So while the feeling is for every one of us, while that first time to find love for an opposite sex can lead us into the I do, I think it does not necessarily sustain us into marriage. that there must be a

What, per day?

Yes. So love is multi-dimensional. There are other dimensions of love that need to be studied to sustain people in in marriage. Randa is a very small country uh both by by size, geographical and population. But last year um the

28 per day settled by court. That means that there are many more that court has not yet closed or been able to close. As you know, many times you find the judicial spaces have more cases than they're able to handle. Then there are those who are not even able to afford court. Then there are several that are separated. Now, that is per day.

judicial spaces have more cases than they're able to handle. Then there are those who are not even able to afford court. Then there are several that are separated. Now that is per day.

So I think this conversation is supposed to be handled. You need to have this conversation. There's more that people need to know beyond what just meets their eye. You're discussing things about chemistry being different from commitment and what that means. And I think people need to have all these conversations, and it's deserving that today we talk about it.

that means. And I think people need to have all these conversations and it's uh deserving that today we talk about it.

Now I want to ask you, what do I have a right to know? Because the reflection you're bringing, I'm thinking about it two ways. Number one, beyond me feeling chemistry or feeling excited to be with someone, it's important that I begin to ask myself a question like, if I genuinely love someone, what do I need to tell them about me? What do I have a responsibility to tell them about me that they should be able to know? But then what do I have a right to know as well to entrust my life with you? I think there are things that I should know about you. I should have a right to know. What are some of those things that I should have a right to know? Let's start from the selfish angle. What things do I have a right to know before I entrust you with my life?

important that I begin to ask myself a question like if I genuinely love someone what do I need to tell them about me what do I have a responsibility to tell them about me that they should be able to know. But then what do I have

As I have grown, I think I have realized that there are conversations that I may not want to have with some people, but maybe with my wife for the fear or depth of how she may react.

to know? Let's start from the selfish angle. What things do I have a right to know before I entrust you with my life?

And I think some of those conversations that I don't want to come to light are some of the first conversations that I, before I actually put it to anyone, I should allow to have. We come into the I do with a lot of bleeding things that we keep hiding. For example, if I have past children, okay, if I have children from previous...

And I think some of those conversations that I don't want to come to light are some of the first conversations that I before I actually put it to anyone I should allow to have. We come into um the I do with a lot of bleeding things

that we keep hiding. For example, if I have past children, okay, if I have uh children from previous relationships and I am thinking that sharing it with the one I am saying to I do today may may sabotage a relationship or may make

me feel unwanted. That's a very important thing that I think people should talk about. M I think in as much as and this usually happens with us Christians where we don't want to talk about health you find that you're getting married to

a sickler and you feel you shouldn't talk about it and so the one that you take home has to deal with it unknowingly and the best that you can say is ah you didn't ask it didn't come about you didn't ask it

and maybe they're also a carrier and maybe they also a carrier Yeah, I think that's a very very important thing to to also talk about. Um because I mean you're going to advance this problem to innocent people. You're going to give

birth to children and as genetics may have it, you're going to have to infect to cause pain on these children that are going to be born because among them are going to be cle cell carriers. You're going to have some of

them are going to be sicklers and then they're going to spend their days on earth suffering because of a decision that you took where they were not. I have another one also. Factility and reproductive health.

I think you should expound on that. How do fertility and reproduction how does a person who is not yet into the relationship or who hasn't given birth, how do they know that?

There are is known infertility. There are people who know for some reasons they had to end up in medical procedures and they had to learn that they are they have infertility issues. Uh there are people who are sterile. There are people

who chose to take to do vasectomy before they are married. They probably made a decision whether they were either selfish or it was informed or they were immature and now they have learned better. For some reason they said I don't ever have

children in life and they went for a vasectomy procedure but now they in love and whoever they in love with they want to settle down with and they don't tell them wow what they did there are people who

remove productive productive organs you know someone chooses to take out the uterus or it was a circumstantial situation maybe they had a problem and the only way they would survive was to take out this And there's a fear of

if I accept him, if I marry him, if I tell him about this, if I disclose, will he still marry me? I don't want to lose him. But yet, um, there's this and potentially the person you're talking about or talking with is passionate

about having children. Yeah. Is that a bomb? We need to have these hard talks.

You could also guide me uh because this is something I've just thought about right now. Would it be vital to also talk about sexual expectations?

I think it is important as much as you can be exposed. You see, we are dealing with a very interesting society. You have some people that are not exposed and then you have those who are very exposed. And sometimes the two from

different worlds meet. Yeah. You have one who is extremely exposed and then there's one who is not exposed.

The one that is naive uh doesn't know what to expect. either they excited about their unknown or they are scared about the unknown. Then there are those who are very exposed and in their world they think everyone is exposed and so

the expectations are so high. So being able to have conversations um in in those areas because these are areas you're going to to get to engage in and these areas relatively affect your your well-being positively and sometimes negatively. sometimes affect

your body and other times so they affect your mental health sometimes to the positive sometimes negative according to how you handle these issues sexual orientations sexual orientations u we handle very interesting situations I mean I've had cases of married people

who come and someone tells you my husband is choosing the reverse end wow and I don't know what to do you know I've had such cases Um and and and the other person is is um terrified in in the marriage.

Addictions. Yes. Because some come and they shape a lot in our marriage. Pornography. Pornography. Uh alcohol.

Alcohol. Sex. Yes. Previous addictions. Yes. to allow me to someone out there who could be watching and they are already in the process of preparing for their wedding and they haven't had these conversations yet and there is a fear that these

conversations um having them would actually alter what they are already preparing for already so much has already been put in. Yeah.

How do you really talk to them at this stage when they have already put things together? Number one, let's I I always want to first push the the button to the extreme and then later bring it come easy on them. What do you rather what

would you rather, you know, uh protect the monies you've paid vendors and then harm your life? Would you rather spend the money plus the emotions of families, friends and those who get invested in your relationship and then only to tell

them uh 6 months down the road that I can't carry on with this? Why? Because I found an unexpected experience and especially the major reason you would pull out is to know that he actually knew and he hid it from me. She knew and

she chose not to talk to me about it. He actually have has three children.

and he refused to talk to me about it. I I don't mind taking care of his children, but the fact that he refused to tell me and and then the next day I see children who call him uncle actually his children

makes me struggle to trust him and I don't think we can build on distrust. So I think that uh one you've made a mistake to come a long way and you've began to pay maybe you paid bride price

before having very critical conversations. Okay. And now that you have done it, save what must be saved.

It is always early. Sorry, it is not always early. It is always the right time. I I don't know if that makes sense.

It is always the right time to make the right decision in life. Whether you it's about money, whether it's about marriage, whether it's about salvation, whether it's about work decision, business alone, it is always the right time to make the right decision. So now

is the right time. And what about if I believe he will change, she will change.

Ah that's an interesting conversation. Uh I think that whatever the relationship could not disclose.

It's hardly dangerous to think that marriage will change it. This is not to think that people cannot change. People can change. But why can't the relationship disclose this? You are dealing with some things. Number one is fear. And if you're a Christian, lack of

faith. Those are the two paramount grounds for Christians. Why we error, make mistakes or fail to do what we should do.

Fear in the sense that you are afraid that he may dump me or she may dump me.

lack of faith that you don't trust that God is able to turn this thing around for good. Okay? For example, if you should not marry them based on this reality, you need to trust God enough that he will give you a spouse suitable. Okay?

Fear. If you're afraid of the outcome, either way, it will come out. But why later? Why not now? Okay. Let it come now before we have a covenant. So that we are able to know if we are mature

enough to sail through it. Mhm. Also, of course, how you manage that is critical. For example, instead of avoiding it, get guided conversations. If you think you cannot face him, then get a third party, trusted third party. And I always tell people avoid

family. This third party usually if you can please it's wise that it is not family.

Family is is is biased is I would say compromised. They are selfish. They are connected to each of you accordingly. My family will seek to save me. Her family will seek to save her.

But someone like uh the church a professional counselor is neutral and seeks your good in this story. So he's going to judge more sobly. But also think about the dignity of the both of you post that experience. I always am

inspired by the spirit behind Joseph in the Bible. how that the Bible says they were planning to be married. That while Mary was betrothed to marry Joseph, she was found to have a child.

A child. She was carrying a child. That was not Joseph because Joseph had not known while she was to be betrothed to be married to Joseph. And while Joseph had not known her, she was found to be with

child. This is one of those hard conversations. It is of this kind. Okay. It was never heard of in history and neither has it ever been heard after that a virgin okay to be with a child before she knows a man.

Look at how Joseph dealt with the matter. The Bible says Joseph being a just man.

Joseph being a just man. I want us to put a a quote on Joseph being a just man. It is revealing the wisdom on Joseph that Joseph being a just man decided considered putting Mary away privately.

In other words, he did not want to ashame her. He did not want to make her a public spectacle. He chose a special way to do this separation. He found that it's critical that he separates with this woman because in according to

culture, if this woman was known by another man, then that man was her husband. So I can't disrupt what I'm going to discon her pride, her destiny, her future, nor mine.

But you see, those are things you can't do with family involved. So if you are in a place where you're struggling with these kinds of conversations, having this kind of conversations, then accept a third party to come in

into play. But let I always advise that let this conversation not be by a third party which is family.

People choose family because they trust them. You trust your family because you've grown up there because you love them because they love you. And it's easy when you are not when you you feel you're the victim.

I am the one who didn't have the children. He has the children. I am the one who wants to have children but he cla I just learned that he he had vasectomy. um the one who wants to have

children but I learned she took out her uterus and the one who wants to have children but I learned that she is uh HIV positive or name them now when you think you are the victim you think you

want to tell your family because you know you can cry and they can give you a shoulder to lean on okay but in life it's important you have already loved this person you've already committed you've come a long way for the love you

share for how much whatever you saw in them that is special Think about dignifying them. Think about protecting their dignity because they have so much they can achieve in life. Even if whatever they dealing with was a mistake. It was a mistake of the past.

I don't know why humanity feels that because someone has made a mistake. I don't care how grave it is that they should be, you know, destroyed. They should be they shouldn't have to see tomorrow.

Mhm. We all fail. Yeah. Some of our weaknesses and failures are pronounced more than others. But we all fail every day. If you haven't failed, you're about to.

But we all deserve a second chance. We deserve another day. The second chance may not mean him marrying you. The second chance may not mean her marrying you. But boy, she may meet somebody who says, "Yeah, I do not

have kids also. Cool. Let's marry, but I don't have kids." Yeah. Okay. Or I'm infatile as well. Or I actually don't think we should have children, but I want to be married.

Don't kill that you know don't kill that just end it the right way if you should end it that is but I always say for the dignity of the individual don't bring in family but seek guidance that's that's what I would say that they

should do okay that's what I think I want to know where does privacy end and deception begin wow we're having such conversations Where does privacy end and deception begin?

Because at what point does someone feel this is my privacy? I I don't have to have this conversation. And also maybe I should also add another followup question. Is it everything that should be talked about?

That's a deep question. [laughter] Yeah, that's a deep conversation for us to really face. Uh to be honest with you, life is deeper than the surface we look at it.

Yes, that's right. And uh realistically when you begin to identify yourself deeply about the things that actually matter, you find that there are things that you deserve to know however hard they are.

Yeah. And then there are truths that you find about yourself as you go that actually what I feared to say or what I feared to reveal or what I feared to know about.

I actually still handled it differently. I could probably give grace or I found grace when I revealed it.

But the depth is what we build in the relationship. So one of the things that you should call privacy, we go into our marriages with a lot of undelt with things that we feel ashamed of.

Yeah. And so we find that they could we could keep them more private even from our spouses. M so to really um dig deep into the answer deception I think starts with the very things that I feel my spouse should know

but I never want to have the conversation you you're beginning to cheat. My pastor taught me that cheating does not happen when you go out and sleep with another person.

Mhm. Cheating starts when you hide your heart. M m from your spouse hiding of the heart from your spouse and in this case we're also discussing people who are intending to be spouses the conversations I don't want to have

deeply yet I know they should know they should know because there must be a real judgment about myself because at the end of the day my choices reflect on who I become so intentionally really they are deeply things I I I trust they ability that we

all have an ability to discern in the relationships where we are to discern that actually this that I don't want them to know I am putting in a lot of effort to orchestrate how to hide it but yet I know she should know

actually the in the question I asked you there's what I did not know I did not know the issue of where should privacy end I could relate to where should deception begins but I did not know where privacy

ends but in your answer I think that those two share a pivotal area the very place where uh deception begins is the place privacy ends. So if you turn it, if you flip this whole thing, where deception should end is where privacy

was starting. If I know that she should know about this and I'm not telling her about it, I'm starting deception.

Yeah. But when I know that she should know about this and I realize that I should tell her about it, privacy ends.

Mhm. Have I the question? Yes, you have. Yes, you have. And I think also to go deeply because this is also important. These are real things that we are facing even when we say them. There are places I think um

where with wisdom I can watch and learn that how I say something that I would want to say may instead just break the very relationship that I want I that I have. I really hope to seek counsel and from you really who

has done more than I have [laughter] [gasps] that at the same intention that I want to share everything.

I think it is also wisdom to watch and say this must not be said. I'll give a real example to explain what I mean.

[gasps] If I know very well that my mom said something about my wife. Yeah.

And I know that the moment I open my mouth and say it I understood my mom.

Yeah. But there is no way she will understand her. Yeah. And even what I would want to share with her has nothing like a contribution to the relationship. It doesn't even contribute to our well-being.

I think I would rather conceal. You nailed it. Yes. You nailed it. You nailed it. So for me literally it is not everything should be saved and including things from the past.

Yes. Not everything should be said. The question instead should be how do I judge what should be said and what should not be said. And for me the the the weighing scale is here. What contribution is it likely or has already to our

present and future? Yes. Yes. If it has um evident positive contribution to our present or future then you need to say it.

Two, what is the knowledge of it likely to cause to our present and the future?

Mhm. If the knowledge of it can only cause trouble to our present and future only be careful on that then it may not be necessary to say it. In other words, its only consequences to the present and future

is negativity and it has no source of positive contribution then it's not necessary and that's a very hard space and and I need to break it down further because some people may think that they are the judge of whether or not it will cause harm.

Mhm. Sometimes the voice speaking telling you that this will cause only harm is fear.

Now that's not where I'm speaking from. If fear and certainty is the one telling you that this has a it will only contribute fear.

Let me let me scratch a very hard place. Let me scratch a very hard place. And some people may struggle to to believe me.

Our sins of the past that Christ has washed away, we have forgiven ourselves of, we have outgrown.

They did not have um consequences negative on our physical body. Like I don't have to explain why my arm isn't broken. My arm is is in good shape. So nothing there's I I have nothing to explain about it. I don't have children

from the past. I don't have any disease from the past. telling you what I've been involved in when I know like you said you can only pick pain, anger, confusion from it, worry, unnecessary worry. I may choose to let go of that

conversation and and bury it in the past where it belongs and and let it be washed away. But if you carried children, you carried disease, you carried a a problem, mental conception of how you perceive women or men,

the way you perceive people has been affected or biased by a certain experience in the past.

A girl was raped when she was young. Okay. As she grew up, she got delivered.

Her mind is free from it. Her spirit is delivered from it. Her soul is free. She lives a happy life. Okay. In her judgment, she doesn't that want that story on her.

Yeah. She can choose to marry it. Mhm. She can choose to bury it. She's not sick.

She doesn't have a problem on how she perceives men. M she understands whoever did it is the only one who had a problem but these other men are good they are fine people it does not affect her vision of others

okay I think it's okay if she thinks it may affect how this man perceives her it's okay for her to bury it okay I think that it's okay for her to bury it but when she thinks this man if she

can weigh and think this man is mature he's not going to judge or use that on me because they are men who will suddenly change how they see this guy.

That is why you are raped. [laughter] Hey, and he can pull it off, man. That is why you are raped. You are careless.

Or this girl is dirty. Yeah. Can't I I can't put my pure body on with this girl who she's corrupted.

So the guy will feel if you think he's that kind of dude, the devil is going to use it for his glory.

But if you can judge that this gentleman is mature, and you're going to have this to testify of the Lord's goodness to show how the Lord helped you triumph over this that the devil wanted to do.

You've seen people who come out like Joyce Mer and talk about their experiences and they're using them for the glory of God.

Talk about it. Again, it goes back to how the Holy Spirit will speak to you, lead you. That is why we speak to people those who are not born again. But guys, there are things that are deeper than

us as human beings. And you'll need a supernatural experience to deliver or help you out of them. Like, how can you discern that except it is of God? Cuz if God tells you say it and it's the Holy Spirit leading you,

then you're going to say it because he judges the future, he can manage it. He knows how to deal with the future and the outcomes of that. But if you don't know and it's only fear, um you you're being motivated by by

guilt, you may you may not judge well. You may not be in the right sense of mind to judge such a matter. M then you you asked about an individual who is out there and they think I could

say it and lose her. I could say it and lose him. How do I what do I do?

Okay. If you're in a place where you're confused again, two things. Number one, if you're not born again, get born again. When you get born again, you receive the Holy Spirit.

This is the spirit of God who speaks to men and orders their steps and tells them where to go. Why? Because he knows the end from the beginning. He'll always tell you some of these are very deep issues that no man can even advise into

perfectly well. So get born again so that you get the opportunity to benefit to enjoy the benefits of the Holy Spirit. But then number two, seek counsel.

Reach out to people who are led by the Holy Spirit. Let let them judge your matter uh independently because they are not affected by the very consequences. You see why we seek counsel is not because people are perfect.

The problem with people is they want a perfect one so that they can ask him on how to be perfect.

TD Jake said that if you don't know how to be imperfect or if you don't know he said if you don't know how to fall down I don't want to come to you. I I don't want you leading me because you don't

know how to teach me how to get up when I fall. Exactly. You see, we don't ask for counsel, seek counsel because people are perfect. We seek counsel for many reasons. One of those is that they are not in the

position I am in. They not being affected by the different forces that are affecting me. they have an opportunity to judge this matter more neutrally, more without bias in a more stable manner than I am. Okay? But of

course, beyond that, you want to seek counsel from a qualified person. Okay? Spiritually led individuals if you're seeking a spiritual matter, qualified professional counselors if you are seeking counsel and if you're a Christian, even better, get a professional Christian counselor so that

you get the benefit of both. So you you get guided, you walk with them.

You may think that what you're going through is drowning you, is always overwhelming you because it is too much for your mind.

But people in this world that you see looking nice on the road with makeup, they've gone through hell. They've gone through nasty experiences.

You're not alone. Yes, you're not alone. People go through a lot of trash and they overcome. They conquer. So concealing things that are drowning you is not in any way beneficial.

The previous question something I want to say about it and we leave it is um when do you then should when should you decide to talk about issues?

talk about issues because it is better to live in purity when you have put out things and then you've been you you've you get an opportunity to get grace and as a people you find grace to overcome that challenge

you now have a chance to live happy authentically there's no fear in your relationship you also have a chance you may leave a the other side.

But if you consistently prove that you were transformed, then you will now have an authentic relationship. And those of you that God by grace has helped to live a perfect life, quote unqu [laughter] marriage only to find that your significant other

has nasty stories. many times because you're holy in your definition. Let me tell you, we don't come to this world to necessarily walk a perfect course.

We have an opportunity to use whatever our experiences are, including your experience, the perfect experience to help heal others.

Mhm. We are all vessels. We are conduits of God's grace. We are We are here to be used by God to save and heal and touch his world.

Yeah. Do not think that your own experience is because you're good. Mhm. It is because you've been graced.

Yeah. And you're still writing this story. If you act the perfect one, what will happen if two three years down the road you fall into the worst temptation? M should you be stoned to death?

In fact, even before anyone judges you, you could judge yourself harsh. You could kill yourself because you have over believed you're the perfect one.

That's the the problem Jesus always had with the Pharisees. That was the problem he always had with them. He was perfect, but look at how he dealt with sinners.

accepting, relating healing saving delivering loving restoring. Let's carry the same nature like he was.

You didn't mention one of those things that people need to deal with debt financial issues.

Financial issues. And to maybe uh add on that, financial issues are very important because besides just debt also our financial understanding of what it means because I have seen places that have been shaped differently by finances because of just simply how I agree that

in order for us to get out of this we are supposed to spend this way and the other one feels it's abnormal of you not to spend on this. How do we live in a single room house?

Even if you're telling yourself it's what I can afford, you are a failure. You see, and then debt is very important because imagine being in a relationship and two 3 months in the marriage, you find out that your spouse has a debt of

80 million that has come to take everything that you have put together and your income is 2 million.

And your income is 2 million. I think that's another very important thing that Yeah. Thank you for bringing it up and and we I want people to know this conversation. We're not trying to say that people should look for

people who have no past. Yeah. I think that's not what we our conversation is. We are simply trying to say should marriage be entered into on the grounds of truth or concealment.

Yeah. Mhm. Do you want truth rather than concealment? That's where the conversation is. We're not saying there are people out there who don't have a past and so they are the ones you should fight to get. No, we all have our pasts,

okay? And some of those past we're not proud of. That's why many times we literally uh look to him for help. Okay? But we are saying don't get into that uh into the future.

You see marriage is a a space where you invest yourself a lot with each other and this person has a right into your whole being legally, spiritually, everywhere they get into you and they take charge of and the whole of your

future most of the times. So you should enter it on grounds of truth rather than concealment. That's what we are literally trying to do. So what do you actually believe is another thing that we need to deal with faith issues?

Faith issues. Oh God English, the English audience today, where do you pray from? Where should we go to church? What do you believe? What are your convictions?

Say speak something about that. Are those important to discuss? I think those are very important because the Bible says how can two walk together unless they agree.

And I have learned that I can't walk with the person that uh I don't agree with.

That agreement is not necessarily just about what color of bed sheets we should put on. M but I can even we can even have a fight by you asking me to fast when I believe that's not something I should do.

Christ fasted for me. You see uh it is very vital that when we see a cockroach in the house you feel that's a demon witchcraft and I feel I can just spray it and it dies. [laughter] You see, and these are things I think

that are very important for us to see that we believe. And I think another very important thing of agreement, especially in the faith arena, is um me understanding that when I fail to be of husband, I can still be your sibling.

Bible says, "Let brotherly love continue." M that when I fail to be as a good father as you would have expected me to be there is mercy because we have the same heavenly father and you can handle me

with the mercy of we are siblings of god we are both siblings and our father is god but that is also important because we believe the same word we go to the same church we believe the same uh word that has been put out on Sunday

that works for us so that we don't now begin to weaponize church leaders These two people who have not yet should ask questions like they should go beyond the whole question of yeah we all believe in God. I think that's that's

shallow to say yeah we all believe in God. So you're saying they should discuss conversations like where are we going to worship exactly after that day when we walk into one house shall [clears throat] we on Sunday morning ignite different cars and take

different directions to worship centers or one will go to church and the other will stay at home [snorts] where shall we go to worship you talked about the cockroach in the house those are sensitive things you've had people who feel certain

products are demonic Others are godly. So you buy some things and bring them home and someone tells you, "I don't use that soap." The people, the company that makes that is from hell. And probably I got that from

the altar in the church where they go. And then this one is saying, "It's just soap. [laughter] It's just soap for heaven's sake.

Kills bacteria and I'm going to use it. You can't get it into my house or I can't sleep in that bed with you." M you have another man who I have a story of somebody who brought a lot of cash at

home. This girl married a man and this man one day she's sick and this man gives her cash to go to hospital. She's like hell no I'm not touching this money.

It's like why you need the money and from that day the girl knew this man goes underground. How can you have this kind of money?

Wow. and she shifted left the bedroom went began to stay in another room because this man goes underground.

She started to pray four times than she used to pray before because she has a man that how can you have this kind of money literally because probably she's not grown up exposed to a lot of money and

she's not married to a man who has a lot of money and she didn't know how to deal with that. And I'm telling you a real true story that I was involved in uh in resolving this uh situation. So what is

faith like on a dayto day? What is faith going to look like? Another one it was an issue of a gun.

She was asking why does he need a gun? Why does he need a gun? Now this gentleman is a government worker and has a very sensitive role. And so at I think it is even sort of an employee years policy

that if you're to buy this office, you're going to be given a security guard, but you're also going to have a personal gun.

And so the the wife is you want to kill me. Why do you need a gun? [laughter] You people have guns to kill you. You're a killer. And so and and it was going back to you a a

devil's agent. Why do you need guns? You seems you kill people for sacrifice but then she knows what their husband does and but her faith. So you can see how people's faith belief systems where they go to church have deep intrinsic effects

on the health of their dayto-day life that the conversations of where shall we worship what do we believe?

What is the practice of faith day by day look like for you and to you? They are critical conversations to have. What do you think about a girl who feels I don't mind whatever he worships I'll worship. I can worship.

Do you think it most likely is a true statement or sometimes it is being said out of naivity. they are just overtaken in romance. And when it comes to real practical examples or realities, she may actually not agree with what the

man worships. And I think this is also very important because it happens mainly to our sisters. They fall so much in the idea of the wedding and in the idea of uh of being someone's wife than in actually being really involved

and participating in the real purpose of the marriage covenant. that they desire so much in the one that has come and hope and push all the red flags away because they they feel they've waited longer. there is an urgent need of there

is an urgent upl and satisfaction in their heart to think that okay now I'm finally married and so they push it away and it's a big characteristic especially to the girls so you find that um these are actually

things that will affect you more affect you so much more than the very excitement that you had that the very money we put into the food even the taste of the food has already been forgotten and surely it's always either naivity

either hope either frustrated waiting [laughter] that has caused me now to say you know whatever comes I will go with there are incidences when a person will get all the red flags but just convince themselves to find the

one thing they can hang on they can hang because they cannot live with the reality that this may not happen and I think you called it a lot happens fear lack not having any hope and so someone really believes this may

happen. I had a friend who felt they were really aging and they had watched a lot of Tik Tok videos in their feed that were bringing issues of girls who are beyond certain years not giving birth.

Mhm. And at that time compromise began to feel like it didn't matter whom it would be easier because I don't want to live in the reality that I may be the other one's story. M yeah I I get to think of um

a people who are driven by the image they have in their head. You know you marry the image not the person.

It blinds you from actually reading the red flags. I'm going back to your conversation of you have the red flags all over but you ignore them sometimes because you grew up with this desire to meet the person you'll marry

and you excited you imagine who they will be year in year out you kept forming that picture and you kept editing it you know as you learn better you edit it you change it here you patch it this way you

patch it that way consistently until finally there's someone who comes. Now, when anybody shows up, you get this mask you've been forming and you make them wear it.

So, every time you see them, you don't see who they are. You keep seeing your mask.

You keep seeing the thing you've been editing. I I think that's what causes people to do that to fail to see the red flags.

You I love him. Oh, my man. Even when she's at home and she's saying, "Oh my man, it is not David and and whatever David wears and how he behaves. It is her own picture that she's in love with."

But when you get into marriage and you wake up every day, the picture fadeds as David arises more and more. I think the other thing that we can discuss as we come to a close is it's important people for

people to ask questions of what will it look like in marriage. What will our daytoday look like you know like move quickly through the practical realities couples need to discuss debt income spending spending time raising children. Ask real

questions. How many children do you want? And and and then I there's something I wanted to say earlier. When you want to talk about hard things, I encourage people do not manipulatively bring them up.

You know, it's one thing to accept say, "Let me have a conversation." It's the other thing how you bring it up. I don't think you should manipulate them.

For example, invite your man over to your house, to your apartment, cook nice food, [laughter] dress ski.

Mhm. Kiss them. Turn them in some excited mood and then bring out this honey. If I told you that um in my home by the way, what do you think about people who practice occultism?

Like if if some people go into occultism, what what's your opinion? Okay. How about if my mother sometimes does some occultic practice and and and you're putting your leg on him and the man says, "I didn't marry your

mother. I didn't." Oh, really? So even if she took me there once, you don't mind.

I love who you are. I love you as you are because power is talking. The thigh is putting the brother on tension.

Yeah. I said, "Yeah, sure." Okay, it's okay. You know, I love you too. Then it ends there.

Then four years into the marriage in the night, you wake up and find sister acting [laughter] acting zombie in the house. Like what's this? what are you doing?

Go back to sleep. And and you know and and then she tells you, you said you didn't mind.

Yeah. And I told you for me, this is what we do. Didn't you say you didn't mind even if my mother takes me there? Well, so for me and my mother, this has been what we practice.

Hell no. I don't know. I never said that. Can I remind you that day? Because for you it was in your head. You planned it the whole day. You arranged. And so you put somebody in a mood where that's that

too is deception. People should know deception. You need to study the word deception. Deception is not so much of telling somebody a lie or an inaccurate statement. M deception is crafting something with an intention of not delivering the

gravity or intensity of a message or information as it should be. You craft intentionally something with an agenda of not delivering information, a message as it should be understood of its gravity, intensity and intent.

So you intentionally want to avoid giving. Can I give you an example? M you remember when Adam and Eve are in the garden, God has said to Adam to eat freely of every tree in the garden.

Yeah. But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, they should not eat of it.

When Satan comes to Eve, the Bible says he was more subtle than every animal that the Lord God had made.

Look at how he speaks to Eve. He asks a question. the day. That's subtility.

That's subtility. He He knows what God said. But he doesn't want to say it to Eve.

Yes. He wants to trap Eve. The agenda is to cause Eve deceptively to reflect on another possibility because of what he wants to say. He's laying ground.

Did God say that you should eat of every tree in the garden? And then Eve comes out and says, "Yes, that we should freely eat, but this tree we should not touch or eat of." She brings in another element of we

should not touch. Yet God only said, "Don't eat." So Satan sees a gap in Eve's knowledge and he can now craft M because he says he was crafty, can craft her into deception.

He can lure her. And then he says to her, "God knows that in the day you eat of it, you shall know what is good and what is evil, and you shall be like him." Number one, did Satan lie?

No, he did not. Because it was a tree of knowledge of good and evil.

Yes. So he's telling her, God knows that when you eat it, you shall know good and evil.

No, you shall not surely die. God knows that when you eat it, you shall know good and evil and you'll be like him.

Did Satan say, "Go ahead and eat it?" No. No. No. No. No. No. That is subtility. If you went to a human court, Satan will win the case.

He'll say, "I never told this girl to eat that fruit." I only revealed something else. But what did Satan do? Satan caused Eve's eye to see what she should not have seen with intent to take her eye off what she

should see. With intent to make her see. M what she what something else intentionally not to see what she should see that is deception and today that is what the devil does.

He makes people distracted a little to something. Whatever he makes you see is not important whether you see it or not does not matter cuz what is important is what you should see that he wants you not to see.

Powerful that is deception. M. Now this manipulative spirit which is common in women but even men do it but common in women is a behavior of the devil. M if you want to have a conversation, sit and have the conversation straight

forward. Don't go to Kenya then pass Tanzania then go then go to Dean and then before you come to Campala and hit what you want to hit sit down the person literally in fact turn on their their antennas tell them there's a

conversation I need us to have. Oh okay you're scaring me. No, no. There's no reason to be scared, but it is an honest hard conversation.

Okay. So, what do we do? I call you. No, no, no. If it's if we met, it would be better.

Yeah. I pray that what are we going to talk about? But that's why I want us talk. So, let's meet and have the conversation. sit down, put a glass of water and say, "So, I need to discuss an issue

here that is going on in my life or in my family and I need you to know because I am not selfish." If I'm going to build with you, you need to know and have authentic choice to make. M

my family practices oultism quote unquote not mine you see and I have tendencies of truth is I got born again last year but since then I have practiced with them twice my intention is to totally go out but

it's going to be hard are you in position where you can help me and still marry me.

I care about you enough that I needed you to know. I have three children.

They stay with my mother, two stay with me, one stays with my sister. Those that call me when we were together the other day and I said they called me uncle is actually my son.

I am no longer interested in the mother. It's you I love. Will you mother my children?

I care about you enough that you should know and decide whether you want to get into a marriage where they are children already or not.

And I actually don't need an answer from you now. Go pray. Talk with whoever you think you should talk to. Then stop scaring people. And do you trust me?

I hope you won't talk to anyone about it. Hell no. [laughter] This girl has grown up in a family with a church with people who care about them. She deserves to talk to somebody about it.

Mhm. She has mentors in her life. She has people she listens to. And all that forms who she is that you need to marry.

Me. I usually tell my wife, who do you need to talk to? This matter if you think is overwhelming.

Go find someone to talk to. Then come back and we talk. Come when you believe you have a well balanced opinion.

Yeah, that is authentic living friends. That is authentic living. I needed to hit that problem.

Manipulation. Don't say things out of manipulation. M men don't first buy the gal car and then I invest so much that she'll feel guilty that she feels guilty to say no.

No, don't do that. Let's create authenticity. Wow. As we come to an end, I need to hear your last opinions. I need to hear what your last conversation.

Life is deep. M. And for those of you who are watching these episodes and are only interested in quickly throwing your opinion before you actually even watch the whole episode, life is deep.

And even as I say it deep inside you, I trust that it affirms that there are deep things that you know that you need answers to. Yeah.

That we can't just occasionally be involved with the very thing that we our parents us have invested our lifetime to become have these conversations.

We spend a lot and this even happens to our churches, our families, our parents to just beautify actual things and not shape understandings that even sometimes church doesn't help us in the counseling.

Yeah. To actually tackle these deep things that we beautify marriage. It is a beautiful thing, but we don't go at the core of what it's actually supposed to be. And we only blame those who have failed to actually keep the covenant.

But to our fellow friends and brothers and sisters, it is deep for you to just give it up with the fear of saying, "I don't want to annoy him." Have the conversation.

Have the conversation because you deserve to know. Really identify yourself of who you are that you check and touch yourself to the actual things that you will either because they will happen.

Y they will be revealed. There is a place that will check you for that day that happens after your vows after you said I do.

They will happen. And this is why Affinity has these conversations because we can't we can't just let them be because life is deep.

And um some of the things that you share uh are things that some of us have been culprit about and life has thrown a toll on us to actually find that even when we thought we were dodging them and we were

manipulative enough to do them. M they're actually the deep things that keep us awake at 2:00 a.m.

thinking about some of those things we didn't talk about, we didn't confront before we went into the marriage and they eating us up.

So to our fellow friends that haven't yet gone into it, have the conversation. Have the conversation.

Have the conversation. I will end this way. Life has evolved globally. M there was a time when you would grow up in a a community one village and this community knew how other communities grow. You literally had authentic

communities and so a community would find a wife for their son from another authentic community and they marry and they would make an authentic family and it was good. You could literally village would sit and tell you so and

so's daughter is a virgin and we all know it and it was true. We live in a a life that has evolved. We live in cities. Cities have people from all walks of life.

We cross boundaries, borders of nations. We live abroad in so many countries today and the other day. You will hardly now walk into five homes in this campal and you don't find one of them with a daughter or a son who is married to

someone from another country far away from Israel, from Nigeria, from South Africa, from the other day the president of of of Kenya gave away his daughter to a a gentleman from Tanzania.

Like people are making the world one global village. M but this global village comes with not one global culture, background, history, belief systems. We are in a very complex society today and that society affects us differently.

Even if we all are here orang but we have the influences of Asia of Israel of we are affected by the life as by life as it is seen and lived by people from all over the world. Yeah,

the western culture has deeply infiltrated our belief systems that sometimes we no longer even know truth from from deception.

And because people are this complex, you must be willing to give yourself to a journey of unveiling who you're going to blend with.

It's critical that you do. Yeah. And as you do that, be willing to unveil yourself as well to them to them.

Why? Because there's nothing as special as living an authentic life. Yeah. You may have issues, but be as authentic as you can be. It's a gift you can give yourself.

One may say, "I may lose her." Let me give you a hard truth. M if she cannot have the authentic you, it doesn't matter how decorated she looks.

You don't need her. Marriage is not a a stage of art where we go to to to perform.

It's a place where we live life. It just has to be authentic. Yeah. It just has to be authentic. It just has to be real.

And so gift yourself this that you will present yourself holy to them and you have a right to have them holy for who they are.

And the authentic them and the authentic you should come together and confirm that in you is grace and ability to deal with each other.

Yeah. Have the uncomfortable conversations and then you will have the ground to have a comfortable covenant.

Have the uncomfortable conversations so that you can comfortably have the comfortable covenant. And then you will live life and sail through it with less burdens.

We love you so much at Affinity. Yeah, we are here to bring you authentic conversations, truth, hit things as they are, and then prepare you to build godly relationships. Until next time, we invite you to like, share, subscribe,

and leave us feedback. Join this conversation whether you're on Tik Tok, on Facebook, or on YouTube.

To all our community, God bless you. [music]