Funniest Stand Up Comedy You'll See Today! | Live at the Apollo

A hilarious stand-up comedy special covering football, British culture, teaching, and marriage with sharp wit and relatable stories.

Ask about this video. Answers come from its transcript only — with the timestamp, so you can check them.

Generated from the transcript and can be wrong — check the timestamp.

Key Takeaways

Football culture can be both a source of joy and frustration due to sexism and toxic behavior.
British humor often embraces self-deprecation rooted in cultural and historical identity.
Teaching provides rich material for comedy through the unique behaviors of children.
Long-term relationships require focus on important values and letting minor issues go.
Comedy can effectively address social issues while entertaining through personal stories.

What the video covers

The comedian discusses their love for football and the sexism often encountered in the sport's fanbase.
They humorously describe British people's appearance and personality traits, referencing Viking history.
Stories from their teaching career highlight quirky and memorable students with unique personalities.
A favorite student, Karen Pal, is portrayed with comedic charm and memorable antics.
The comedian reflects on marriage, emphasizing the importance of focusing on what truly matters to stay happy.
The set includes observations on toxic masculinity and social media interactions.
The humor blends personal anecdotes with cultural commentary and self-deprecation.
Audience reactions and applause punctuate the performance, enhancing the live atmosphere.

Chapters

What is the comedian's view on sexism in football?

The comedian acknowledges loving football but criticizes the sexism present among some male fans who doubt women's knowledge of the sport.

Who is Karen Pal in the comedian's stories?

Karen Pal is a memorable student known for being habitually late and speaking like a repressed 1940s housewife, providing humorous classroom moments.

What advice does the comedian give about marriage?

The comedian suggests that to stay married and happy, couples should focus on what truly matters and let minor issues fall away.

Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

Speaker A

I love football. I love almost everything about football. There's one thing I don't like, and that is the sexism. Like, obviously, that's a little bit difficult. Um, because there's still a certain type of bloke that seems to think that, um, like I can't know as much

Speaker A

about football as he can, right? It's like he doesn't think I've got time to both watch Match of the Day and buy sanitary products.

Speaker A

But the key thing about that is you stockpile in the summer. See, you’re ready for when the season starts in the winter.

Speaker A

[applause] I love these guys though. I call them the proper footballing geysers. Uh, you've probably seen them knocking around. They're big guys, massive [ __ ] heads. Uh, big thick neck veins where they store all of their

Speaker A

repressed emotions. Weirdly, they're always very active on Twitter for some reason. And they'll always have a Twitter handle which is like @milwallmike69.

Speaker A

And then you'll click onto their Twitter profile and their bio will always say something like, "Love my kids, hate nonsense."

Speaker A

You're sort of thinking, "Come on, Mike. Pick a side." [applause] I love these guys though, 'cause, um, they've, uh, they've recently found me on social media and what they love doing is they love doing sassy little snarky comments

Speaker A

underneath my standup videos and, um, they do these sort of sick burns and there's, there's a phrase that I've sort of started noticing recently that they're all using. So, what they've all said under my standup videos is this phrase.

Speaker A

They say, "Luis Kapowi looks like he's let himself go." Which pisses me off 'cause Luis Kapow's already let himself go.

Speaker A

I feel what they're trying to do by comparing me to a plus-sized man is to imply that I'm ugly. It doesn't bother me as an insult. Honestly, doesn't bother me as an insult. I know that I'm ugly. Not in a self-deprecating way, um,

Speaker A

just in the way that all British people are ugly. Do you know this? You are absolutely vile. I'm sorry if you don't know this.

Speaker A

You're absolutely vile. Okay? And I, I didn't know this until recently when I started traveling outside of the UK in the last couple of years. Um, everything they say about us is true. Okay? But it's not your fault. The reason that

Speaker A

we're ugly is because, um, and I'm specifically talking about white British people here. I don't want to draw anyone else into our ugly mess.

Speaker A

The reason that we're ugly is because back in the day, the Vikings came over, stole all of our hot women, took them back to mainland Europe, which is why everyone in Sweden is smoking hot, and we look like someone put a wig on some

Speaker A

Billy Bear ham. [applause] But it had an amazing, it had an amazing reaction because it meant that we had to develop great personalities because you never heard someone go, "This is my Swedish friend.

Speaker A

He's a laugh." So, I would say that I'm British hot, which is ugly but a hoot.

Speaker A

So, I, I love football, as I say. Um, and I kind of get these blokes that are a bit toxic 'cause football makes me toxic, too. I do worry about my toxicity, though. Like, I don't let—I've got a

Speaker A

girlfriend now, and I don't let her watch me watch the football because it almost—she saw me watch the football once, it almost ruined our relationship before it had even started. So what happened was she came into the living

Speaker A

room. She said to me, "Chloe, why are you laughing?" And I had to explain that Chelsea had just gone 3-2 down and the camera had panned to a crying child.

Speaker A

I hated teaching and it's a brilliant, wonderful, noble profession, obviously teaching. I hated it 'cause I didn't want to do it. The only thing that got me through those years were children because some of you parents will know

Speaker A

children are wonderful and weird. I used to teach a class in North London. You'll think I'm exaggerating this. I'm not. This is just one class I'm talking about. They were the strangest group of human beings I have ever seen assembled

Speaker A

in one place. Right? They were the strangest group of human beings ever in one. And I include all of the series of Big Brother in that. Right, I'll talk you through some of them. There was a child called Marwood in that class,

Speaker A

which isn't a real name, let's be honest. He was absolutely on a different planet to the rest of us. I'll prove it.

Speaker A

I once said to him, "Marwood, what are you going to do when you leave school?" Straight away, he said, "Well, I'm going to be one of two things, sir. I'm going to be a gynecologist or a train driver."

Speaker A

I said, "They're rather contrasting professions, Marwood. This is only funny if you believe me." Wasn't trying to be funny at this point. He went, "Yeah, yeah, they are, aren't they, sir?" I suppose at the end of the day, I just

Speaker A

like tunnels. Fortunately, there was a child in that class that made up for all of them. Her name was Karen Pal. She was my favorite student of all time. She was 11 years of age, this big, and had two fascinating

Speaker A

characteristics. Number one, her internal compass was buggered, right? So, she was 10 minutes late to every single lesson, and the school wasn't that big. 10 minutes late. The second was even though she was 11, she spoke for reasons best known to our creator

Speaker A

like a repressed 1940s housewife. And you think if I'm exaggerating this, I am not exaggerating it. She would come into my class like this. Hello, sir. How are you today?

Speaker A

I say, I'm fine, thanks. Karen, how are you? SHE GOES, YES, I'M VERY WELL, THANKS.

Speaker A

I must SAY, I'M VERY MUCH LOOKING FORWARD TO TODAY'S IMPROVISATION. I'll give you an example of her compass.

Speaker A

[laughter] She came to see me after a lesson. This is more verbatim quote. She went, "Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word with you, please?" "Well, of course you can, Car. What's the problem?" She goes, "I just wanted to say that I thought my

Speaker A

performance in your lesson today was a little below par." I said, "Really? I thought you were great." "No, no. I thought my use of characterization was paper thin. Thought the way I moved around the space was appalling. And my group work was

Speaker A

something to be condemned. Then I would like to offer you my most humble of apologies."

Speaker A

I said, "You listen to me, Karen Pal. You never need to apologize to me. You are my favorite pupil because you make me laugh my head off." Now go outside and enjoy your lunchtime.

Speaker A

You've deserved it. She said, "You know what? I think I will." [laughter] I turned round at that point to do a little bit of admin. Ladies and gentlemen, Karen was then faced with a choice.

Speaker A

She could leave my room via the only exit or she could go into my costume cupboard.

Speaker A

I don't know what happened, but for safety, I'll tell you this. I locked my costume cupboard before I went for my lunch. Then I went away for a whole hour. When I came back, I opened the cupboard and I swear to you, that child

Speaker A

was standing with her back to me in a scene from the Diddy Man remake of the Blair Witch Project doing this.

Speaker A

AND I WENT, COURAGE, SHE WENT, "HELLO, SIR." I SAID, "HAVE YOU BEEN IN THERE FOR A WHOLE HOUR?" SHE SAID, "I'M RATHER AFRAID I HAVE." I said, "OH MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY." SHE SAID, "DON'T you apologize to me. I'VE

Speaker A

ONLY GOT MYSELF TO BLAME. I'LL SEE YOU LATER." [applause] But here's the thing about being married a very long time. You get to know each other so well, right? I mean, my husband knows me well. I know my husband so well

Speaker A

at this point that we can have a full-blown argument from start to finish and he's not even home, you know. So, this year I have been married 21 years.

Speaker A

Thank you. Thank you. Um, I know it looks like I could have been a child bride, which where I'm from, totally possible.

Speaker A

Anyway, I wasn't a child bride. Anyway, so, uh, 21 years. And here's what I've learned in 21 years. That to stay married and stay happy, because it's not naturally the same thing. To stay married and stay happy, what you must do

Speaker A

is keep your focus on what is important. Keep your focus on what is important.

Speaker A

Let everything else fall away. See, I'll explain. The other day, my husband and I were having an argument. A face-to-face one. The one where he's actually

Speaker A

The fact is after 21 years, my husband and I don't really have arguments. We have throwdowns.

Speaker A

You know, throwdown like MMA level. Do you know what MMA is, sir? Yeah. marriage martial arts proper matter what the topic my husband and I both always bring it for everything because we know that after 21 years and three kids

Speaker A

nobody's [ __ ] going anywhere right we are just trying to get to the end of this somehow and also you should know like I told you when I arrived here I got a UK passport my husband is Scandinavian. He didn't

Speaker A

bother. And then we were having this argument and he was like, "I don't understand why you didn't do it this way." And I said, "Really? What I don't understand is why you don't [ __ ] off back where you came from."

Speaker A

[applause] Apollo, I cannot lie to you. It felt pretty good. Oh my god, what a great phrase. I am totally on board with it now. Knock yourselves out.

Speaker A

Such a good feeling it gives you afterwards, you know. Um the problem was it bothered our children a little bit because we were having lunch. It was Sunday. Um our youngest child, she said, "Oh no, mama said the f-word." And I

Speaker A

said, "Oh, darling, you're right. I did. But you know what? When you grow up and meet the man of your dreams, so will you." And then my teenage son said something.

Speaker A

But let me explain, ladies and gentlemen. Between 45 to 85% of what this child says, I don't understand.

Speaker A

Because he's a teenager. He just looked at me and said, "Why so salty, bro?" And then our middle child, apart from being somewhat fractured, she's also very woke.

Speaker A

by which I mean she doesn't understand the difference between racism and a joke about racism.

Speaker A

So she got very upset and she said, "You can't say that to dad. That's racist." I said, "Racist? Look at my face.

Speaker A

I can't be racist. Everybody knows only white people are racist." Oh, she got angry. Ah, she stomped out of the room. And I was like, "Oh, come on, darling. Sorry. It was a joke. I know you're half white. Oops.

Speaker A

I started learning French really young at the age of eight or something in primary school and our French teacher to help it sink in our brains used to play little games with us and one of the games was that we had to draw a name out

Speaker A

of the hat and that would be our French name for the rest of term. Yeah. So I withdrew Marcel and she taught me that if anyone ever asked the question toel my response should be jimmael Marcel.

Speaker A

Right now, I got all the way to degree level and two trips to Paris with that knowledge and no one ever corrected me.

Speaker A

And I went in on me first day of the lecture and the professor goes, "Ah, bonjour. Uh, come on to tapel." I thought, "Well, this is going to be very easy course." I went, "Bonjour, Jimel Marcel." He's like, "No, no, come on to

Speaker A

tapel." And I went, "Jimel Marcel." He's like, "No, no, come on to tapel." And I went, "Jimel Marcel." He's like, "No, come on to tapel." I went, "Jimel Marcel." He's like, "No, no, come on." Martel, he's like, "No, no, come on."

Speaker A

He's like, "No, no, Martel." He's like, "No, no, come on to Tapel." And I went, "What is wrong with you? You said you were French." I went, "Jim Marel." He's like, "No, come on to Tapel. What is your name?" I was like,

Speaker A

"Jimapel Marcel, my name is Steven." Um, [applause] so educated and as part of our course, yeah, we had to do a year abroad. Hold on. Um, gapy.

Speaker A

Gapa. Um, we did, Jimmy. We had to do a year abroad, right? So, I moved to the south of France for a year. And I'm dating myself with this reference. I do know.

Speaker A

But um I thought it would be like a Hillary Duff film, right? Do you know where I'd like move to the south of France, get a job in a little booerie, fall in love, move into the guy's chat,

Speaker A

and never have to come and perform in Hammersmith. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker A

And me and me friends all had a bit of a dream. Like me friend Kate, she's married to a guy now called Flon and lives in Nice. That was my dream, [ __ ] My friend Sam got with a guy while we

Speaker A

were there and his name was Nicola. And I even got with a guy while we're there for one term and his name was Kevin.

Speaker A

It wasn't even Cavine. I went all the [laughter] way to the south of France and found the only guy from Stockport.

Speaker A

Just call me Sally Webster. And the thing I hated the most about doing that year abroad was I don't like flying. Give me a tip if you like flying.

Speaker A

Give me a tip if you don't like it. Yeah. All the ones sat in the sky.

Speaker A

I really hate it. Yeah. Because everyone's like it's the safest form of transport, but that's not true, is it?

Speaker A

Because um speak to someone that's been in a crash and that is valid. That is really valid. And I've had to find me way of getting round it. You need hints, tricks, don't you?

Speaker A

So me therapist said, "You just need to sit on the plane doing this. I get thrown off the plane if I do that, Julie. And the way I've been trying to get around it, hear me out, you're going

Speaker A

to think I'm mad, right? Do you know sometimes when you look at someone and you think like Aaron, I look at you and I go, you would never die in a plane crash. You've got that kind of face, you

Speaker A

know? It's like, you're not going to go that way. Whereas some people, they've got that face where it's like, have you already been in one? Um, and I flew to Dublin this year and it was the best flight I'd ever had, right?

Speaker A

Because I found someone like you, Aaron. I found some Peter Barlow from Coronation Street was on the flight and I thought, Peter Barlow is not going to die in a Ryionaire flight.

Speaker A

He's already been through too much. Do you remember years ago when they were making Braveheart, everyone said, "Oh, it's ridiculous.

Speaker A

Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy. That's not going to be very convincing." And look at him now. An alcoholic racist.

Speaker A

The most Scottish thing I've ever seen. I was going through a town called Bathgate at night and there was a guy pissing against a front door like that who then took out his keys and went inside.

Speaker A

I'm from Glasgow. If I had to explain Glasgow to you, I'd say that if I had to pick a city in the world where I could depend on a member of the public to punch a man who was on fire,

Speaker A

TO PUNCH A FLAMING MAN TO THE GROUND. WE SHOULD get a photo of that blown up and use it as the welcome sign at Scottish airports.

Speaker A

And underneath we should have the words, "Scotland welcomes careful drivers." I mean, the naivity of al-Qaeda trying to bring religious war to Glasgow.

Speaker A

We're 400 YEARS AHEAD OF YOU GUYS. [laughter] You've not even got a football team.

Speaker A

There's a fallacy, isn't there, that that baggage handler prevented hundreds of people from being horribly burned.

Speaker A

These were Scottish people flying to Spain. [applause] [applause] People say it's good they didn't hit a fuel depot. I think it's good they didn't hit the queue coming out of duty free.

Speaker A

They're going up like Hiroshima. British army have got a big recruiting drive on in Scotland at the minute cuz that's what you need if you're fighting an unwinable war in the desert. More ginger people.

Speaker A

That's why they couldn't send Prince Harry. They couldn't afford the resources required to start developing factor 60,000 sunblock.

Speaker A

It's not always the friendliest place in the world, Scotland. I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lagger and lime and the barman went, "We don't do cocktails.

Speaker A

We can't just be d negative bastards up there." John Loi Bird invented the TV and when people came up to congratulate him, they went, "Ah, but there's [ __ ] all on." We're looking forward to the Olympics in

Speaker A

London. I'll take that as a no. They say the Olympics is going to rekindle English national pride. I mean, come on. For 9.2 2 billion. You could have written [ __ ] off Germany onto the moon.

Speaker A

We're here to talk about relationships. Let's let's crack straight on with the first slide.

Speaker A

Making Don't No, don't laugh at that. That's not That's not meant to be funny.

Speaker A

Please, let's let's not have another folks on our hands, please. Making divorce work. Now, given that it is a rocky ride, an emotional roller coaster, I start off with a joke, ladies and gentlemen, just to loosen us up.

Speaker A

Here it is. If you're going to get divorced, you have to be like the man in the toll booth. Why is that, Keith?

Speaker A

Well, you have to be willing to accept, this is the joke, change. It's a zinger. It's a zinger. When you divorce, there is sweeping change.

Speaker A

changes right across your life in every area. One of the first things to change is the locks. You may don't please don't laugh at that, please. You please you may come home one day and find that your key no longer fits your wife's lock.

Speaker A

Another man's key is fitting your wife's lock. And stop that. STOP IT. STOP stamping on that. Riaz with a zed.

Speaker A

Please stop it. It's it's not that sort of a show. Well, I mean, it's not a show, is it? It's it's a talk, but it's not smuting. So, you may come home and find that your key no longer fits the

Speaker A

lock. Good. Yes, it can. And it can be very difficult to tell why a relationship is going to go wrong. Why is that? Well, I think it's because at the beginning of any relationship when two people get together, there's always a sense of of

Speaker A

what? Hammer Smith, at the beginning of a relationship, a sense of pardon? Worry. No.

Speaker A

Anyone else? At the beginning of a relationship, a sense of forboding. Forboding is the wrong answer.

Speaker A

Lust. Lust. No. No. No. uncertainty. There's always a sense of uncertainty, a feeling of will they, won't they, and there's no way of Please, Hammer Smith, take it seriously.

Speaker A

We're talking about emotions, a sense of will they, won't they, and there's no Hammersmith, I will walk off the stage, please.

Speaker A

There's no way of predicting when a couple get together whether or not the relationship will work. Will it last a long time? No.

Speaker A

Not a chance in hell. Will they stick together? No. No. Will the marriage endure?

Speaker A

Yes. Yes. Lee and Leslie. Now, Lee and Leslie are a lesson to us all. They've made a marriage work. So, why is it then that when they can make a marriage work, so many others can't?

Speaker A

Paul Simon said, "There are 50 ways to leave your lover." One, Smith, time out. Please start to take it seriously.

Speaker A

One, slip out the back jack. Two, make a new plan. Stan and 48 others. I was in France a couple of years ago. Had to stop to use a lure at a little service station by the road.

Speaker A

I knew it wasn't going to be a fivestar experience. From the moment I walked in there, the lady in the kiosk was eating a pig's trotter with the one remaining tooth.

Speaker A

Watching a chipmunk try to eat a piece of corn on the cob. I approached her and of course as a proud remainer I said to her in my best French she went it's round the back it is round

Speaker A

the back so I went round the back and there it was a little shed of we go and I opened the Go. VOILA.

Speaker A

SQUIRTY. Throw up France. Anyway, there was nowhere else to go. So, I had to go in.

Speaker A

I had to use it. I had to use it. So, I went in and I closed the door and it was brilliant because somebody had attached a rope to the back of the door. So, you could essentially absale down into the

Speaker A

squatting I mean, that is a center parks activity right there, isn't it? You'd pay for that. Bungee dump.

Speaker A

Brilliant. I did notice I was getting a little bit more nervous as a traveler um on recent flights I've taken. In your 20ies, you don't care, do you? Like that. I'll live forever. I'll live forever. me, I'm going to live forever. As you get older,

Speaker A

you start to really pay attention to the uh to the safety announcements on place.

Speaker A

It becomes more urgent. You're more aware of your own mortality. You know, they'll start the announcement. I will definitely pay attention. Absolutely.

Speaker A

Pay attention. The glasses go on, the headphones come off, book goes down, notebook comes up.

Speaker A

Last flight I was on, it got to that point, we've all heard it a thousand times. We've all heard it a thousand times. put the little life jacket on, right? He put the little life jacket on and she went, she said, "Uh, and of

Speaker A

course, in the event of landing on water, there is a whistle to attract attention.

Speaker A

In the event of landing on water, there is a whistle. A whistle to attract attention." Now I think for the first time in my life I really took in that whistle, the fabric of that whistle, if you will,

Speaker A

the the being of that whistle, the ergonomics of that whistle. There is a whistle to attract attention. My brain had the very helpful thought. It thought, well, if we have landed on water, we have essentially fallen out of the

Speaker A

sky from 30 to 40,000 ft in a not insignificant metal tube that may or may not be on fire.

Speaker A

If that hasn't attracted attention, if everybody in the surrounding area has managed not to notice [laughter] and you are then reliant on I got this [clears throat] So, I came to Britain in the early 80s.

Speaker A

We were refugees long before it became fashionable. But my favorite immigrants are Polish people because they properly confused old-fashioned racists. Have you seen them? They don't know what to do. What do we do? What do we say? They're

Speaker A

immigrants, but they're white. I heard this one bloke go, "Bloody Poles coming over here with their work ethic." Which isn't very politically correct.

Speaker A

And And I am I try so hard to be politically correct. Sometimes I take it too far. I was at a party recently and I said to my friend, "Have you met Steve?" He's a really nice guy. My friend goes,

Speaker A

"Which one's Steve?" Steve was the only black guy in the room. I found myself going, "Steve, yeah, is over there. He's got blue jeans on.

Speaker A

a gray t-shirt, sort of curly hair, and a Nigerian accent. And once I was performing at comedy club, and there was two black guys in the front row like like you two, but um but but men and black. Um

Speaker A

you are a man, sir. I'm sorry. It's the lights. And I said to them, "So, how do you two know each other?" And they looked at each other and went, "We don't." might as well have had NF tattooed on my

Speaker A

forehead. I didn't. It was felt tip. I like friendly. A little bit of friendly racism is nice. When I was a little girl, I used to always go to my friend Katie's house and every time her dad opened the door, HE'D GO, "HELLO,

Speaker A

SHAPPY. You've been on holiday." So, um, I have a little boy. I have a baby boy. I'm a mom. And I'm looking at you, some of you so young. I could be your mommy if I lived somewhere rural.

Speaker A

Like a lot of women, I got to my 30s and I thought, I've got to have a baby now while my mom's still young enough to look after it for me.

Speaker A

And I went to all the antiatal classes and and this woman came up to me, one of the other moms goes, "Oh, how are you planning on losing your baby weight?" I was like, "Well, I was just thinking of

Speaker A

having the child." And she was like, "Oh, I'm going to be a yummy mummy. I'm going to lose all yummy mummy." That's just like a middle- class way of saying milk.

Speaker A

I was so happy when when I found out that that I was pregnant. And we we had a scan and we knew that it was a boy.

Speaker A

And people said to me, "Why did you find out the sex of your baby? Didn't you want a surprise?" Well, it's going to be a boy or a girl. Do you know what I mean? The only surprise would have been

Speaker A

if it was a puppy. And there are there are no puppies in my family.

Speaker A

There's one goat. It's it's it's not a blood relation. Thank goodness I have a child. It was no fun being a broody Iranian woman. Every time I said to people, "My body thoughts ticking." They'd hit the ground.

Speaker A

[applause] [applause] So, with all that going on, when I did find out I was pregnant, I was so delighted. I thought, I am going to fill this child's life up with love and hope and understanding. My husband's reaction was slightly different. HE

Speaker A

WALKED AROUND GOING, "WOOHOO! [screaming] MY SOLDIERS WORKED." It's not his. Oh, the fuss he made when he found out I was cheating on him.

Speaker A

Only child can't share. My husband's English. He's from Nottingham. And a lot of people ask me if if my husband's Iranian. I go, "Well, he's not. He's English, but he's planning to convert.

Speaker A

His family are absolutely lovely." And when they first met me, they kept going, "Well, Shappie so exotic. She's so exotic." Which means foreign, but not in a way that we hate.

Speaker A

I think often a lot of people don't realize there's an actual person behind somebody's disability. And I experienced this right firsthand when I got lost in a park in Glasgow.

Speaker A

I came off the path. I I was in the bushes like looking like a like proper creepy weirdo and I heard this guy aggressively running over at me shouting, "Oh, you." [groaning] And I turned to face him and he stopped

Speaker A

dead in his tracks went, "Oh, sorry, pal. Didn't see the stick. [snorts] Thought you were a pest." You do know that's a pig guy.

Speaker A

Yes. People only see my disability. I should see how much I can get away with. Do you know what I mean? Like how much of a of a blind wronging can I be?

Speaker A

Just go to a supermarket, blatantly shoplift a coat. I get busted trying to leave through the plate glass window again.

Speaker A

Security guard. Excuse me, sir. Is that your coat? Yes. Do you mind taking the security tag off it?

Speaker A

Certainly, sir. Can I just see your receipt? Hey, big innocent face. Hand him a blank bit of bog roll.

Speaker A

I bet he's not got the heart to say anything above him. That's fine. Have a nice day.

Speaker A

But I still maintain though it is it is an excellent time to to to be disabled.

Speaker A

In fact, now in some areas, hey, too good to the point I' I'd like to finish this evening by asking you lovely people of of the Apollo a favor.

Speaker A

Could you please stop modifying sport so I can take part? It's now getting harder and harder to moan about being excluded.

Speaker A

[laughter] But I am always been made to feel so very welcome. Not everything has to be accessible.

Speaker A

There's a message. And being blind is a brilliant reason not to have to do something.

Speaker A

Cuz this guy, this guy asked me if I wanted to take part in a game of football.

Speaker A

You cheeky bastard. Oh, I'm going to guilt trip you, my friend. I'd love to take part in a game of football. Yes, but I just don't think the blind man's that welcome in the hallowed turf.

Speaker A

Not realizing blind football. It's an established sport. What sick prick came up with that?

Speaker A

22 blind lads running like [ __ ] at each other. They're trying to kick a ball with a bell in it.

Speaker A

Guys, that's not accessible. That's a blood sport. And who goes to see it? [applause] But I did. I did. I played my part. I took part in one game.

Speaker A

Yeah, they put me in goals. But I learned one thing in flight. A ball with a bell in it is silent.

Speaker A

But I think right I think women should just let it out. It's a big day in a girl's life when she can freely let rip in front of her bloke.

Speaker A

It is I THINK WOMEN SHOULD BE HAVING I FARTED IN FRONT OF my boyfriend for the first time parties.

Speaker A

I do. I think THEY SHOULD BE RINGING UP THEIR MOMS JUST GOING, "MOM, I've got something to tell you." Oh, darling, what is it? What is it? What is it? What is it? I just did a fart in front of

Speaker A

Tom. OH, DARLING, THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS. Wonderful news. And what did he say? He didn't say anything. He just laughed and farted back.

Speaker A

My little girl's all grown [laughter] up. Meanwhile, dad will be in the background just going, "Women are farting far too early in front of their boyfriends these days." It was 18 months before your mother even trumped in my

Speaker A

direction. six months before she'd take a dump in the house when I was around.

Speaker A

And also, I tell you something else, we pretend as well. We keep the old uh the lady garden quite tidy. Us girls, don't we? In the early stages, we will do little tricks with it. Look, it's a strip. It's a Brazilian. Oh, look, I put

Speaker A

hair on it. It's a Mexican. Like, we do [applause] we do all that in the early stages and then after about a year, it looks like the back of the wardrobe that leads TO NA.

Speaker A

WELL, IF he wants it, HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO WORK FOR IT. People say to me, Andy, you could try meeting people in a nightclub. You You'll never meet anyone good in a nightclub because the nightclub environment is designed to have us make

Speaker A

bad decisions. It is cuz it's dark. You can't see. You can't hear. You know what? If nightclubs want to be responsible, what they should do to help us out is just before the exit, they should have a brightly lit room where

Speaker A

you can check out the person you're leaving with. Yes, they should. They should CALL IT THE HAVE A SODEN WORD WITH YOURSELF LOUNGE.

Speaker A

And you'd literally get women in there just going, "Oh my GOD, YOU'RE WEARING A FLEECE. I couldn't tell cuz it's so dark in there." Okay, nice to meet you.

Speaker A

[applause] But listen, if you meet somebody online, all I'm going to say is there's some safety things to take into consideration. Now, I met somebody through Twitter, just the once. I'll never do it again. And it was the most

Speaker A

irresponsible thing I think I've ever done. And I spoke to a friend about it before we met up. And I said, "Listen, I've met this guy and we seem to really like each other." And we're talking about meeting up. What do you reckon?

Speaker A

Should I meet him? And before my mate even had a chance to say anything, I said, "You know what? I am going to meet this guy. You know why? Cuz life's too short." short. And my mate just read,

Speaker A

"Yeah, you're going to find out how short." And my mom says, she says, "Look, if you go on these dates, make sure you meet in a public place." Okay? And I'm just going to add something to that. Public

Speaker A

place brill toilet. Don't meet in a Never meet in a public toilet. No good can come of it. Unless it's, you know, them space age toilets that they have outside where you put the money in, press the button, and then the

Speaker A

door opens. You know why? Cuz you can pretend it's blind date. How cool is that? You just put the money and press the button. [laughter] And if you don't like it, JUST PRESS THE BUTTON really quickly. [laughter] I don't know why like young couples, new

Speaker A

couples have got this obsession with finding out how many people someone's been out with from before. Like how many previous partners? How many previous partners? This is a lose-lose situation, right? And if any of you have ever had

Speaker A

that conversation or you think it's ever going to come up, this is what I say.

Speaker A

This is what you should say. Okay? Just say to the person that's asked you, you want to know how many previous partners, okay, I'll tell you from the beginning.

Speaker A

All right? 1 2 3 4 You. Six. Seven. [applause] One of the major good things that's come out of it is how we've embraced new technology, isn't it? Cuz it's just unbelievable. Who knew what Zoom was two years ago? None of us. Like last week, I

Speaker A

had to do a speed awareness course online. Now, you should be doing that on something called Zoom. But that's the WORLD WE'RE IN NOW. It's the world we're in. I've got a phone that can recognize my face. That already makes it better

Speaker A

than my nan. Come on. I embrace new technology. I do because could you imagine if this pandemic had happened like 30 years ago? No internet, no Zoom, no Pornhub. I don't know why I looked at you, sir, but I did.

Speaker A

Cuz I think we've forgotten here in 2021. We've forgotten what really being bored feels like. Like proper proper bored. My friend's little boy said the other day he gets bored waiting for an app to load. [ __ ] off, mate.

Speaker A

That is not boredom, IS IT? I'M TALKING SUNDAY afternoon in the 80s. That was boredom when it was raining. You'd read every book in the house. I grew up in Maidstone. That's a Mills and boon and an Argos catalog.

Speaker A

Your mom's watching something black and white on the only telly in the house. So you listen to your Waltman for a bit, but the batteries are dying. So Madonna's like a virgin. Sounds like Barry White singing it.

Speaker A

You can't go and buy more batteries, can you? You can't. Cuz all the shops are shut. And I mean, all the shops are shut. Even the petrol stations are shut.

Speaker A

And then when you think your day can't get any more tedious, your daddy go, "Get in the car, everyone. We're going to go and visit someone." That's what we do, isn't it? ON A SUNDAY afternoon in the 80s, we would visit

Speaker A

people for no reason other than to ruin their day. Do you know what? Young people don't believe this. When you tell them, "We never told them we were coming." Could you imagine doing that to someone today? They'd be livid, wouldn't they?

Speaker A

We used to spend every Sunday with people wishing that they'd hoovered and we'd [ __ ] off, didn't we? I'M QUITE HONORED. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO PHONED AHEAD IN the 1980s were the IRA. Fact.

Speaker A

[applause] I wouldn't I wouldn't be a teenager now though, would you? I wouldn't be a teenager now. When I think of the things I did when I was a teenager, the thought of that being on the internet forever

Speaker A

makes me feel physically sick. It does. The way they have to communicate with each other is something I just can't understand. You know, texting. I couldn't write a text. I don't know what to put in a birthday card.

Speaker A

When I was a teenager, if I wanted to leave a sexy message for a boy, I'd have to ring his landline and leave a message with his mom.

Speaker A

Went to what, dear? All over your watch. Different times, isn't it? Different time. There's a boy I fancied at school.

Speaker A

I couldn't text him to write him a note, stick it in his school bag, and I make him a mixtape.

Speaker A

Write him a poem. That's all we asked, didn't we? I genuinely think a 14-year-old girl today, she would be more freaked out if you sent her a poem than if you sent her a picture of your knob.

Speaker A

PO WOULD FREAK OUT MORE. SHE'D BE WITH HER FRIENDS GOING, "I MEAN, it was like a song, but it wasn't a song." And there was no [ __ ] in it.

Speaker A

Not even a bollock. No, different crimes, you know. Apparently, young people today, they are most likely now to have their very first sexual experience online. By FaceTime or Skype.

Speaker A

They're not even in the same room. You got one teenager in this house on their phone and the other teenager in this house on their phone and that's how they're having their first sexual experience. And I just think, do you

Speaker A

know what? Getting fingered behind a caravan at a fairground is not ideal, but at least I was getting some fresh air.

Speaker A

My parents are disappointed I didn't get married cuz like I said, I'm Egyptian. I'm in my 40s, so I was supposed to be married 30 years ago. So, they're like, "Tick tock.

Speaker A

When's this happening?" But they don't understand dating. My parents didn't date. They were in arranged marriage.

Speaker A

Uh, they met on the Bachelor season 3. I think they don't get that joke or anything I do. But um I was supposed to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer, which is pretty typical for Arabs actually. Like I went

Speaker A

to Palestine once to do comedy there because that's what that region needs, just dick jokes. So thought I'd help.

Speaker A

And after the show, there was a Q&A and somebody in the audience was like, "Why did you decide to become a comedian?" And as a joke, I was like, "I wasn't smart enough to be a doctor." But they

Speaker A

didn't get it. They were like, "Oh, I'm sorry. maybe if you study harder, you can do it. I was like, yeah, definitely. This is a lifelong dream. That's all right.

Speaker A

[laughter] My dad thinks I'm his responsibility until I'm my husband's responsibility. But at no point am I to be my own responsibility, right? Like the women in my culture need to chaperone through life. Like we just don't have the same

Speaker A

rights as the men. Because my dad wanted to move from Cairo to America, so he just moved. You're a man. Bye. Right. My mom wanted to move from Cairo to America and they were like, "Well, let's find you a husband in America." And that's

Speaker A

how they met. Three of my aunts became nuns. That's a lot of nuns for one family. And I was like, "Mom, why did all your sisters become nuns?" She was like, "Cuz they didn't want to get married." And

Speaker A

then she caught herself. She's like, "Because they love God." I was like, "No, I knew it. Face all their options. Meet Samir. He doesn't know how to do his own laundry and he has hummus in his beard right now.

Speaker A

You can have sex with him every night or meet God. The only thing you have to do on your knees is pray. And they were like, "Yep, God. That's perfect. Thank you.

Speaker A

I love I love being in London because it's so close to the rest of Europe. I love to travel. I go to Paris. Tell my American friends I'm going to Paris.

Speaker A

They get so excited for me. They're like, "Oh my god, Perie. We love that for you. We love Amaly. And and I tell people here I'm going to Paris. You don't give a [ __ ] at all.

Speaker A

All you ever say when I say I'm going there is, "Oh, cool. How are you getting there? Are you taking the train?" Oh, the train's so great. You're going to love the train. Like cool. Every time.

Speaker A

How you getting there? You taking the train? Oh, the train is so great. Like, so is Paris. Why can't I talk about Paris? What? I'm going to go to cafes and museums. I'm going to see Jim Morrison's grave. And you're like,

Speaker A

that's cool. How are you getting home though? You taking the train? Train's so great. Like, it's a good train. Relax.

Speaker A

It's good to vomit on. And last time I was there, this Parisian man walks right up to me. He was like, "You have fire." This is why I love the French. What a thing to say to a stranger. You have

Speaker A

fire. Yeah, you're damn right. I have fire, sir. Right. I'm a strong independent woman. I'm a comedian. He didn't know any of this, but he must have just seen something in me, like my aura, and he had to come up and be like,

Speaker A

"You have fire." Turns out he [snorts] was just looking for a lighter. Cable was the more middle class option.

Speaker A

Yes. No, we don't want a satellite dish sticking out the side of our house. No, thank you. I think it looks really quite naff. Yeah. Whereas the working class, the satellite dish was the key selling point.

Speaker A

If you're paying £25 a month, you want your neighbors to know that you are better than them.

Speaker A

And we had Sky through a dish 1997. You could be watching Old School Sky in the living room, watching it on the main TV, but you could also go upstairs to the bedroom TVs, turn to a certain channel

Speaker A

and watch Sky in the bedroom, but only what the person in the living room was watching. I don't know the intrinsic technical explanation as to why this happened, but it just did.

Speaker A

Saturday nights, me and my dad. I'm on the couch, he's in his chair, my mom's in bed, my brother's out with his pals.

Speaker A

Just me and the old man watching match of the day, watching the highlights. It gets to the kind of shite games. And I say, "Right, I think I'm I think I'm going to go to bed, Dad.

Speaker A

Good night. And he would continue the sherad and he are you off to bed, son? Good night.

Speaker A

And there was that mutual father and son. We both know what the plan is here.

Speaker A

I would I would casually exit the living room nice and slowly. Good night. Hit the hallway and race up the stairs.

Speaker A

Don't even consider looking in the fridge. Eyes on the prize. Upstairs. Bedroom TV switched on. Go to number six. That's you see he's watching. TVs are synchronized. Six.

Speaker A

We're in. He's in control. A few minutes go by and he's still watching match of the day. That's fine.

Speaker A

He must be giving it a few minutes. You don't want to make it too obvious.

Speaker A

He's done this before. Five minutes go by. He's still watching match of the day. I'm thinking, come on, stick to the plan. Andy, I'm looking at the bottom left of the screen, waiting for the numbers to get typed in.

Speaker A

The numbers that could make or break the evening's entertainment. Give me your numbers, Andy. Come on.

Speaker A

Nine. That's a good start. Nine. Could not have hoped for a better start than a nine there.

Speaker A

05 the 10-minute free view. You're a dirty bastard, Dad. But I love you. [applause] So, we've got some celebrities in as always live at Apollo. Who have we got?

Speaker A

Who have we got? We've got the East Enders cast. How we doing? East Enders sitting right at the back. I don't mean the extras. I mean the real people.

Speaker A

[applause] They're trying to get Phil Mitchell. No. Where is he? Is he up at He's up at King's Cross dressed up as a a lady boy trying to raise enough money to buy a pot.

Speaker A

Don't you think it's crazy that Do you understand the technology for us to hear the pilot? I am actually utilizing it right now.

Speaker A

This is the technology for us to hear the pilot. I don't know why we cannot hear. There's no other context where it's acceptable for us not to hear a person. Why are you muffling? If you were looking for an old pair for your

Speaker A

kids and a person came over to your house and said, "Hey man, what's your experience with kids?" And then they looked at you and went, [applause] like you need to get out of my house or something.

Speaker A

[laughter] Weird things happen in airplanes. Weird things. Like crazy things. Bizarre things. Like, how bizarre would it be right now if someone walked in here and started selling us watches and perfume?

Speaker A

Would that be the most bizarre thing? But it happens all the time in airplanes. No one's ever gone, "Huh, this is crazy." This is an English polite thing. Oh, I've already got one.

Speaker A

Yeah. I'm not looking at the moment. [laughter] [clears throat] Not every airline should be selling watches though. Like Ryan Air, no business selling watches. You need the watch, Ryan Air. Your flight's 7 hours late.

Speaker A

And also, WHY AM I buying a 400B watch on a 11B flight? This makes no sense.

Speaker A

[laughter] Yeah, being London is cool. I like being in London. One of my favorite things to be in London. There's so much to do. I I tried to buy a ticket online to watch Wimbledon. Yeah, man. The Wimbledon

Speaker A

final. I was like, I'm excited. Went online. It was £3,000. I was like, what? £3,000?

Speaker A

Okay, I'm not saying I wouldn't pay £3,000, right? I'm not saying I would pay £3,000 for a for a Champions League finals ticket.

Speaker A

But I'm not paying £3,000 for a sport where someone is going to tell me, "Quiet, please." Are you out of your mind? For £3,000, there will be no quiet place.

Speaker A

For £3,000, I'm rubbing my nipples center court. Are you out of your mind? Three, my brother. £3,000. £3,000. Oh, it's a lot of money. £3,000, my brother.

Speaker A

£3,000 for £3,000. I should be able to whisper some advice in Roger Fezer's ear.

Speaker A

£3,000. £3,000. I should be able to walk into the court. Sorry, Roger. Come on. Forearm. Let's work on that. Come on.

Speaker A

Three. My brother. 3,000. For three. For 3,000. I should be able to punch a ball boy in the face.

Speaker A

For 3,00 3,000. Could be walking across picking up a ball up. Upper cut him in the nose.

Speaker A

He was so confused. What was that for? I'm like, "No, it's part of the package.

Speaker A

If you look carefully, I can kick you in the balls." [laughter] I was such a fat kid. My mother used to buy bathing suits with blow holes in them. It was just But my I don't want to go into my childhood here because it's

Speaker A

wrong. My parents hated me. Okay, we're all going to hear the story, aren't we?

Speaker A

My parents hated me, too. My parent All I ever heard, All I ever heard growing UP IS, "WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE YOUR COUSIN SHEILA? WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE YOUR COUSIN SHEILA?" Sheila had died AT BIRTH. THEY JUST hated me.

Speaker A

Hated me. THEY WHENEVER WE GO LIKE IN FRONT OF A STREET, they take each parent would take my hand, hold our hand, we're crossing the street, and then they'd swing me into the trap. And they used to say, "Take candy from strangers." It is.

Speaker A

Ask the funny man in the raincoat, does he own a van? It is. No, I I had a very bad childhood. And that's because, and I'm sure none of you give a damn, but I was the only Jewish

Speaker A

kid, this is the absolute truth, growing up in an all Catholic neighborhood. You know what that the Irish people only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighborhood.

Speaker A

You know what that's like? You were all doing Hail Marys. I was doing Hail Murray's. I mean, it was just me. No Christmas tree.

Speaker A

No Christmas tree. Do you know what that's like when you're the only kid without a Christmas? Cuz everybody has Christmas trees. And nowadays, it's like, well, we do it for all faiths.

Speaker A

That's such [ __ ] Yeah. We walk into a into a uh an office building and there's a Christmas tree and there's a renora. [ __ ] THE CHRISTMAS TREE GOES UP UP [laughter] UP UP. It's like a

Speaker A

little shitty manora with two orange lights that some angry Puerto Ricans lit backwards. I mean, yes, Juan, YOU LIT THOSE LIGHTS BACKWARD. [ __ ] YOU. You killed our Lord. I mean, it is just So, I'm at the age where I figure screw

Speaker A

it. I'm going to have a Christmas tree. I got the biggest Christmas tree in. I got a twostory high Christmas tree. I put everything you could think of on that up up. Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. On the bottom, I got the the

Speaker A

manger. I got the whole goddamn thing going there. The wise men, the sheep. The only thing is I had the baby, but I'm Jewish. I got him a nanny. It was just Oh, yes. And I redressed Mary.

Speaker A

She didn't look good in that stupid thing over her head. Come on. I put her in a Chanel suit, Manola Blanx, and a Louis Vuitton pocketbook. You're the mother of God.

Speaker A

Look it. It is just [applause] Am I wrong? If she had looked like that, she would have gotten into the inn. Yes.

Speaker A

The point is it's about looks. Mary, she looked good. She would have done better.

Speaker A

Mother Teresa. Oh, don't give me Oh, Mother Teresa, if she had looked better, she'd be a saint by now. Was she a bow? Yes. Did she need electrolysis? Let's talk to each other here. Even lepers were throwing their

Speaker A

fingers at her. here cuz it IS ALL ABOUT LOOKS. THIS IS MY MESSAGE, Great Britain. This is my message. Looks count. Education.

Speaker A

Looks count. I have no sex appeal. And it has screwed me up for life. Peeping toms. Look at my window. Pull down the shade. YOU HAVE YOU HAVE NO IDEA. My gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Speaker A

It is just I was in Hollywood recently. on an all-inclusive. We all love an all-inclusive holiday, don't we? Oh, I chips and gate for breakfast. Yes.

Speaker A

I always think it's amazing. I can always identify where people are from on an all-inclusive holiday. It's fascinating for me. Like the Italians, you can always tell the Italians because they could put on a bag of rags and look

Speaker A

amazing. Then you can see the Germans and they're quiet and they're the reserved. And then there's us, the British.

Speaker A

That's interesting, isn't it? Because we all want to become pals of each other. I've had a pen pal in walking for 25 years that I met in Lanzerothi, right?

Speaker A

But it was a really really interesting for me because there's a way I can always tell if someone is from the south of England on holiday. And it it it's I don't need to hear your accent. Nothing.

Speaker A

The way number one I will tell if you are from the south of England is it will be 9:00 at night. It's 28°.

Speaker A

The moon and the stars are out and you come out wearing a wee jumper because it gets a bit chilly.

Speaker A

It's 28° the moon's out. I'm Scottish. I'm like past the factor 50 hen. I do not trust the moonburn. Get me the factor 50.

Speaker A

Then there's another way I can always tell someone is from the south of England. You and I are on an all-inclusive holiday. We can eat as much as we want and they will go to the bar and they will order a half pint.

Speaker A

No, you can't order a half pint in Scotland. Next time you visit Scotland, try and order a half pint. That is one of the most tense conversations you will ever have.

Speaker A

About 3 months ago, I went to a bar in my home city of Glasgow and I says to the barman, "Can I have two pints of lagger and a half pint of lagger?" And he looked at me and he went, "What was

Speaker A

that?" I said, "It's two p." He went, "No, no, no, just the last one." I mean, it's just just a half paint of lagger mate.

Speaker A

Hold on. Come here. Tell him. Just the last one. I mean, it's just a half paint a lagger.

Speaker A

Is that for you? It's for my pal. Are they on antibiotics? Are they pregnant?

Speaker A

Would they like a coloring book and crayons with that?

Topics:stand-up comedyfootball humorBritish cultureteaching storiesmarriage advicesocial commentaryLive at the Apolloself-deprecating humortoxic masculinitystudent anecdotes

Get More with the SozAI App

Transcribe recordings, audio files, and YouTube videos — with AI summaries, speaker detection, and unlimited transcriptions.

App Store Google Play

Or transcribe another YouTube video here →

Free tools: TXT to SRT · SRT Validator · Merge SRT · Subtitle to Text · All tools