Speaker A
Voldemort, I'm here. [screaming] Harry, why are you so sad looking? My godfather died. Oh no. Please stop.
A 2-hour comedy compilation featuring hilarious Harry Potter and Star Wars parodies with characters like Voldemort, Harry, Anakin, and others.
Key Takeaways
- The video blends Harry Potter and Star Wars universes for comedic effect.
- It uses parody and satire to create humor from familiar characters and situations.
- The humor is often absurd, surreal, and self-referential.
- The content is suitable for fans familiar with the source material for maximum enjoyment.
- The compilation format keeps the content varied and engaging over two hours.
What the video covers
- The video is a 2-hour compilation of comedic sketches and parodies involving characters from Harry Potter and Star Wars.
- It features humorous interactions between Voldemort, Harry Potter, Professor Snape, and other iconic characters in exaggerated, funny scenarios.
- Star Wars characters like Anakin Skywalker and Darth Vader are also parodied with playful twists on famous scenes.
- The sketches include absurd and surreal humor, such as dementors choking on cupcakes and Voldemort’s awkward social skills.
- There are recurring jokes about Hogwarts life, magical mishaps, and character relationships portrayed in a comedic light.
- The video includes meta-humor and references to pop culture, such as Tom Holland and typical British wizard stereotypes.
- Comedic timing and character-driven jokes are used to parody well-known fantasy and sci-fi franchises.
- The tone is lighthearted and irreverent, appealing to fans of both Harry Potter and Star Wars who enjoy parody content.
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
Potter, what's the answer to number two? Um, Phoenix feather. Sing it. Potter. Phoenix. Ew. Potter sucks at singing.
Speaker A
Choreography. You know what's crazy? What's parents? Oh, come on. He's sitting right there. I love Harry's mother. Oh, I miss you. I touch myself to Harry. Did you put your name into the Goblet of Fire?
Speaker A
Oh, I was kind of expecting you to sing. You little orphan. You, I'm glad your parents died looking at papa. I'm sad.
Speaker A
All right. Ask why I'm sad or I'll poison our pet dog. Why are you sad, my son?
Speaker A
I don't want to talk about it. Okay. Insist, you spawn of uselessness. Please tell me why you're sad.
Speaker A
[sighs and gasps] I sometimes, and this might sound crazy to you, think that people may not like me.
Speaker A
They don't. But how? I'm so [ __ ] likable. You had a butler beheaded because he brought you the wrong kind of soup.
Speaker A
[snorts] Yes, but I ended up liking the soup. So, in hindsight, he didn't have to be beheaded.
Speaker A
I believe you're missing the point. In your missing purpose. Teach me how to be liked.
Speaker A
What's the magic word? Torture. Culture. First thing you need to learn is how to say please and thank you.
Speaker A
Please. Murder. This is too difficult. Just say please. Let's proceed. Okay. How about thank you?
Speaker A
You're welcome. Maybe being nice isn't one of your strengths but you're right. I should never change.
Speaker A
That's not what I said. I'm perfect the way I am. Well, I also want to be had another butler.
Speaker A
No, Maxwell, come here. Maxwell, run. Yes, Maxwell. Never run in a straight line. Good. Fresh meat for the next feast.
Speaker A
What? The next feast won't be so tender, however, 'cause he's so old, unlike mother was.
Speaker A
What? Try and keep up. I feed on humans. I have a lightsaber. My name isn't Anakin Skyscraper Skywalker.
Speaker A
Has anybody seen Anakin? I can't find him. Yeah, he's outside. He's having a go at sand. I don't like you, sand, 'cause you're so coarse. You feel weird on my skin. Also, I have wet feet, so you're sticky. Just come inside, Anakin. Now I
Speaker A
have to destroy. Oh, Anakin, look at all those cute children. All I see is potential kib. Anakin, stop. It's over, Anakin. I have the ground that is higher by a lot. Oh, wow. Anakin, cool mask. I am not Anakin anymore. My pronouns are
Speaker A
now Darth Later. Okay, Luke, come to the dark side. Well, what if I don't want to? Well, in that case, chip chop. Your hand is off. Oh, someone's feisty. Also, I am your father. You mean you're my daddy? Stop
Speaker A
that. The boy who lived. Oh, hi Harry. Oh, so Harry, who's your bald friend? Wle winkle. Am I right?
Speaker A
I just met he's bald. I didn't even comment on the nose thing. Oh my God, you guys here, too. Hi. How cool is this? We're going to have so much fun, the three of us.
Speaker A
Oh, damn it. Hey, they stole my wallet. Why are we laughing? What did I miss?
Speaker A
Harry's dead, right? RIP P. The second piece for Par. Rest in peace, Par. RIP P. Shut up. Okay. Oh, no. Look, he's alive, which means we can keep fighting.
Speaker A
No unforgivable. It's like he wants us to lose. If we lose, it's on you. People are dying because of you and me.
Speaker A
[screaming] What am I on the wrong side? Hold the board is dead. Oh, good job, Harry. You're doing great. That means the war is over.
Speaker A
That sweat. Silia, give me your wand. Give it. You're not allowed to use your wand anymore.
Speaker A
Silia, you said nos. You didn't say no guns. You said no ons. Welcome to the Lemite Night Show. Today's guest is none other than my future wife, Zenaia. Your future what?
Speaker A
Zenaia, will you? No. Okay. Today we'll be playing a game called Who's the Better Kisser? And I'll be the judge of that. So, what the [ __ ] So, Zenaia, tell me, what is your motivation?
Speaker A
Could you please get your hand off my leg? Um, so Zenaia, we all heard about your breakup with Tom Holland. Um, I really Tom and I aren't breaking up.
Speaker A
You sure? Yeah, we love each other. I love him. We're so We all know that Zenaia always gets up at 3:00 a.m. to go downstairs to get herself a glass of water, which is why you should have Wait a minute. Wait a minute. How do you
Speaker A
know that? I heard about it some. No, I don't recall ever telling anyone this. How do you know this? What the Wait, are you the one that broke into my apartment three nights ago?
Speaker A
No. Oh my God. Yes, it's you. You stole Tom's underwear, put it on your head, and then started running away.
Speaker A
I don't recall. Yeah, you ran against the glass door, vomited on the floor, and then jumped out the window and left a buttprint on my car.
Speaker A
It sounds like me. Pter putter. Professor, Snake, get out. I can't sleep. I was strolling through the Hogwarts corridors and then I had the idea really wish you had to come by for a little late night chitchat, you know.
Speaker A
Okay, off. Yeah. Can you believe I was told those exact words at Voldemort's podcast?
Speaker A
Speaking of relatable things, you know that moment when a redhead talks to you and you get scared and pee your pants a little?
Speaker A
No. No. Yeah, me neither. You pee your pants? Hey, no. I urinate my pants. Anyways, remember the night your parents died?
Speaker A
No, I was a baby. Want to hear about it? All right, let's go. After Voldemort zapped your parents, I came by for a visit. Lil, are you there?
Speaker A
James was in the way. He was very much in the way. He was dead. He could have died on the side. Anyways, I then saw your mother. No, Lily. God too soon. I [crying and laughter] shone too.
Speaker A
Interrupt me one more time and I'm throwing your Flash action figure at your forehead.
Speaker A
Harry, why is Professor Snape sitting on your bed? God, Ron, you couldn't have woken up sooner. And why are you late again?
Speaker A
Silia, I'm sorry. I just had to go bury my owl. I didn't know we had to feed them.
Speaker A
Any questions? Silia, do you have to be unmarried to be a teacher at Hogwarts?
Speaker A
Detention. Sylvia, what's that around your neck? Oh, it's so that I don't lose my wand.
Speaker A
Nobody can expel my arm. I just survived a dementor attack. How? Well, it started sucking my soul and stuff, so I just took the cupcake I was holding and put it in its mouth and plugged it. And that
Speaker A
worked. Yeah, but I didn't get it back. Look at my Patronus. It's a horse.
Speaker A
Look, mine's a wolf. My Patronus is an eagle. I've got a rhinoceros. Mine is a goldfish.
Speaker A
It stopped moving, Sylvia. Yeah. You went to Hogsme, right? Yeah. Did you bring any butterbeer?
Speaker A
I brought tequila. A dementor was found dead this morning on school grounds. Apparently, he choked on a cupcake.
Speaker A
Dementors do not eat cupcakes. Therefore, it was fed to him. That is an act of murder. Again, [sighs] Potter Potter, Professor Sn and Mr. So we easily turn my tea scalding hot with a warming charm, causing me to burn my lip right
Speaker A
here. What tea? It's 3:00 in the morning. Who drinks tea at 3:00 in the morning? Every real British wizard. Are you not a British wizard? Are you an imposter? Are you a Death Eater? That's it. I'm going to Dumbledore. Wo wo. No
Speaker A
need to go to the big boss. I get it. You win this fight, but you will not win the war. You're lucky my backup tea is brewing. You still wonder why my mom chose a bully over you.
Speaker A
Ron, want to go burn his backup tea as well? Yep. Nice. Well, if it isn't our city's mayor. Or should I say, but you're still the mayor. The surprise is I I snuck into your office with my bodyguard. I
Speaker A
saw you come in through the camera. You shot every security person, including our janitor.
Speaker A
Yeah, that was personal. Personal? How? He waxed the floors and didn't warn me. No, no, don't check the tapes. Don't check the tapes.
Speaker A
Woo! What nice and shiny floor [screaming] I found to my cockies. Oh, they're in my They're in my now. Oh God.
Speaker A
Oh no. Oh, I've been locking and locking my car. Someone please reach in and make sure my car is locked. Please, please.
Speaker A
It might work if you forget into a fish. Go in, Gordon. How long does this go? A while. Are the keys still? Anyways, I'm taking over the city. You got any leverage? Oh, I don't know. Does your kidnapped family next to a ticking time
Speaker A
bomb count? That's not my family. W
Speaker A
Yope. [sighs and gasps] So, don't tickle me. Wouldn't know what might happen. So, you don't have leverage. Yep. I'm I'mma come back when I have some. Bye.
Speaker A
Oh, it's you. Come in. Come in. Or just come. [laughter] No. No. In the sense, you want to hear how I roar.
Speaker A
In my book, that means yes. Wink. If you want to kiss me. There it is.
Speaker A
Doesn't this mint smell like super minty? [sighs] You want to see some karate moves I learned? Here we go.
Speaker A
Sorry. This is my room. YOU LIKE IT? NO. DON'T open this. This is where I had my Shut up. No food for you this week.
Speaker A
Leaving already? We can't have that. I have mech fallen. OH MY GOD. WHO ARE YOU? AH, THAT'S MY [ __ ] shadow again. [ __ ] What's your name? Wendy. Wendy, I need you to glue my shadow back to my feet. Um, yes. For
Speaker A
free. All right, children. Everybody take a bit of this fairy dust that is going to make you fly.
Speaker A
That sounds a lot like drugs. What? No. Why does it say LSD on the bag? You need to stop labeling. That stands for love selling drug. No, Peter. I can't believe we're actually flying. I know. What did I say? Oh, guys, look. It's a pirate
Speaker A
ship. Oh, I could bully the captain. I'll be right back. No, I don't think you should. Hey, captain. Nice hat.
Speaker A
Peter, please not again. Who made it? Your grandmother. It was a gift from my mom. Man, I Oh, Wendy. Look, there's the mermaids.
Speaker A
Hi, mermaids. Hi, Peter. Hi, Peter. There's my friend Wendy. Say hi to Wendy. Hi, mermaids.
Speaker A
Off Wendy. Peter, my brothers and I, we want to go home. Also, I'm tired of mothering all these children you've kidnapped. But you'll grow into adults if you go. Yeah, that's kind of the point. So, you want to get wrinkly, ugly, and die? I mean,
Speaker A
it's part of it. You know, it's also part of it. What? You're being a [ __ ] [ __ ] Peter, help. We've been KIDNAPPED BY THE PIRATES. OKAY, so it's okay if they do it. Peter, all right, everyone's
Speaker A
dead, but in a familyfriendly way. Thank you for saving us from the pirates and allowing us to go back home. None of it was my pleasure. You can go yourself.
Speaker A
See you never. Potter, DID YOU CLONE ME? POTTER? YES. Who went to Hamburg again? That's right, me. And this time, I brought my dad. He didn't know a lot about Harry Potter.
Speaker A
But when I told him that he could come to Hamburg with me to watch Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, he studied books, Wikipedia articles, and movies just to understand what was going on. And in the end, it worked. The first thing I got to
Speaker A
do is I got to meet Tal, which is the actor who plays Snape. I'm the one on the left. He then showed me some of his moves and then and then I made him laugh. Look him he laughed. I made him
Speaker A
laugh. Ha. I also made him do some stretching. And before you guys ask, oh, but did you make him say push? Huh? Did you make see for yourself?
Speaker A
I then got to act out a scene with the actor himself. He said I did quite well.
Speaker A
So, um, hire me. Great experience. 10 out of 10. This right here is Matis and he's an actor that got assigned to me.
Speaker A
He plays a role of Albus Potter. He showed us around the backstage area, which was pretty exciting. But he wouldn't tell me how the tricks they use on stage work. Oh, but Silva, THEY'RE NOT TRICKS. IT'S MAGIC. I WANT TO KNOW.
Speaker A
[screaming] I WANT TO I EVEN GOT TO SEE HIS CHANGING ROOM. Oh my god, I love your changing room. I could stay in here forever.
Speaker A
Please don't. Next up, I got to DO SOMETHING SO COOL. I GOT TO STAND ON TOP OF THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS AND THERE WAS A HUGE FAN THAT WAS BLOWING WIND IN MY HAIR AND THERE WAS FOG. AND IF THINGS COULDN'T GET ANY
Speaker A
BETTER, [screaming] THEY HAD FIRE ON STAGE. THERE WAS NEXT TO FIRE. AFTER THAT, I GOT TO DO SOME WARM-UPS with the actors. This right here is Fabian, and he plays Scorpius Malfoy. I think the exercises were pretty easy. I love
Speaker A
sports. I would say I myself have a lot of stamina. I love moving and movement.
Speaker A
Also, you can thank my dad for the close-ups. After 15 minutes, I was dying. I mean, done. Done. And my dad and I got to see the show. And guess what? He loved it. Thank you for coming with me, puppy.
Speaker A
Well, this was fun. Dad, are you proud of me? I can't hear you. It's too dark.
Speaker A
My dad funny guy. Anyways, next day we ate some breakfast and we headed back home.
Speaker A
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. And oh, look, there's a huge wasp outside. Oh no, it's it's inside. It's inside. Oh my god, I spilled my cafe. I already flew into my mouth. Oh my god, it hurts.
Speaker A
Hello. I'm your co-pilot, Marcus. Hi. It's okay. I don't need one. Thank you. Yeah, from what I just saw, I think you really need a co-pilot.
Speaker A
Then you can co- yourself. Ladies and gentlemen, please mind the seat belt sign. It's just a bit of turbulence.
Speaker A
Nothing to worry about. Never mind. We're missing a wing. We're crashing. WHERE DID THE WING GO? I COULD HAVE SWORE we still had the wing when we took off. Where's the wing, Marcus? How would I know? That's That's what your
Speaker A
wife said when I asked her why she married you, Marcus. Mayday. Mayday. Oh, but wait. What if it's March? What?
Speaker A
Shouldn't it be March? So, we're crashing, right? Mayday. I did it. I LANDED THE PLANE SAFELY. How did you do that? Uh, I trained 91,751 ducks to fly under a plane and carry it down to safety. They're all dead now.
Speaker A
And thus the city with all its inhabitants, which is you guys, will be mine. Here's your hemorrhoid cream.
Speaker A
Marcus, I told you I was doing the life thing. I I don't have hemoroid, so you don't want the cream? No, Marcus. I don't need the cream. Yes. Could you put it in the drawer down there? Yes. Thank
Speaker A
you. Um, could you later help me with the um with the um application? No, please, Michael. It's it's going to be super fast. Super fast. Just 10 minutes.
Speaker A
No, ABSOLUTELY NOT. WHY DO ALL bad things happen to me? Anyway, citizens, do as I say or I blow up your homes. And you, citizen, the one in the corner, the one with the red shirt? Yes. Yes. You do a little dance
Speaker A
for me. Oh no, it's the city superhero. Marcus, I forgot they had one. Marcus, your dumb games are over.
Speaker A
Damn it. That was my camera. I feel nothing because that was not my camera. I'm not joking, man. Leave the city be.
Speaker A
Totally. You got it. I will remove all of the bombs. Also, I don't have hemorrhoids. Doubt it. Also, like it's not like I was going to do anything.
Speaker A
[cheering] It's in times like these where I think WWLGD. What would Lady Gaga do?
Speaker A
Oh, hey there. Sit down. Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy ride, if you know what I mean.
Speaker A
Please don't leave me. I think I'm in love with you. Oh, well, no unlocking the car for you. [laughter] Oh, is that your phone? Whoopsie.
Speaker A
So, what would you prefer? Um, Chinese or Italian? Help me. I've been locked inside this junk for more than a day now. She won't let me out. Whatever she says or does, don't trust her. I repeat, don't trust
Speaker A
her. Please help me. Would you excuse me for a second? All righty. So Chinese Oh, is somebody hiding in the bushes? I can't believe Allison went missing. I really miss her. Yeah, same. She was such a good soul. And you're a And
Speaker A
you're a And I like you, but your mom's a hug. Hi, I'm Arya and I'm in love with my teacher. I'm Spencer and I'm in love with all my sister's boyfriends. Hi, I'm Hannah and I kind of like this guy at
Speaker A
school called Caleb. Hannah, maybe you want to throw THIS GHOST. I GOT A MESSAGE FROM A. He has pictures of me with my teacher. A sent me a picture of me from my closet.
Speaker A
No. What? Did A sent you something, too? Yeah. Dickpe Wong number A. Guys, I have footage of A breaking into my house. Oh my god. Show us. Oh god. Oh, that's unfortunate.
Speaker A
Yeah, I don't even know what his mission was. He just broke in, ate my mom's cornflake, stole all of our toilet paper, and then left. At least he didn't steal anything else. Yeah, it's kind of weird if he Damn it, he stole my cat.
Speaker A
Hi, Arya. Hi, Dad. Do you want to play Never Have I Ever? Take a sip if you have. Oh, I don't think I want to. Never have I ever cheated on your mom. Dad, never have I ever keep a SECRET FOR
Speaker A
PAPA. DAD, I FINALLY HAVE A HORSE. I'M UNSTOPPABLE. Oh man, I ate it. Guys, while we're walking, you want TO HEAR A SONG I WROTE?
Speaker A
Please don't sing. We don't want to attract walkers. Silia, I'm not singing. I'm floy. Excuse me, sir. Tied to a tree. Could you please look at this map and tell me where the nearest McDonald's is?
Speaker A
You have um your jaw hanging from your face. Wait, let me just [snorts] [groaning] Silia, that's a walker.
Speaker A
Ah, Silia, you really need to stop trusting walkers THIS MORNING. BUT YOU CAN DOMESTICATE THEM. Look at my pet walker, Rugger, for example. Well, he was a walker this entire time.
Speaker A
Yes, but you can't tell because of the googly eyes I put on him. But it's okay because I've trained him to only eat go and ugly people. Hey, stop snapping at me.
Speaker A
Sia, be careful with the What did you do? He He was a walker. No, I was.
Speaker A
So, you're welcome. I saved you. Sylvia. All right. So, do you conform to Lord Voldemort's ideologies?
Speaker A
Absolutely not. Um, are any of your family members muggles? Yes. My wife. I got to Oh, no. Wait. What do you think of this drawing?
Speaker A
It's kind of ugly. Silia. [clears throat] Hi, Mr. Vald. I will be needing more infer.
Speaker A
You're making zombies. It's infer. Yeah, sure. Zombies. Uh, I'll be needing them to put them in a lake to guard something. And I need you to go get some corpses. But how? I'd like to thank all of you [music] for
Speaker A
coming to Uncle John's funeral, especially those of you who have flown in from out of state. It means so much to all of us, and I know it would make him so happy to see all of you here.
Speaker A
[music] I'm going to share one of my favorite memories of Uncle John. Why is Uncle John's casket empty? Where's the body? [music] Behold, Sylvia, the lake in which I put all of the infry.
Speaker A
Silia. Sorry, my boat is about to leave. Welcome to Camp Rock. [music] Mitch. Wow, she's really good. She's so good.
Speaker A
Wow that's your mom slipped and fell on the burger that you left laying on the floor because you keep leaving work early.
Speaker A
Wow, that's really good. It's not. Wow. Mitch, you write songs. Can we hear them? Yeah, I do, but [gasps] they're not any good. Like, I think a fart on repeat would sound 10 times better than my own song. You'd
Speaker A
probably want to kill yourself after listening to it. I don't think I will. Just sing it. All right, but please don't hit me with a stick when I'm done.
Speaker A
I won't. The seas are real. The se me. Oh my god, it's so bad. I want to set MYSELF ON FIRE. SET ME ON FIRE. SET ME ON FIRE.
Speaker A
GOD, BEING THE ONLY POP STAR IN THIS CAMP SUCKS. I keep having to hide from these crazy chicks that keep following me. I just wish it was one chick that is like the others. A chick that saves by
Speaker A
herself. This is real. Wa! That boy is amazing. [laughter] What? She's gone. Damn, she's faster than Speed Valley. Everyone, grab a mic in the hat. Follow me if you can.
Speaker A
I thought we weren't allowed drugs on camp. We aren't. What's that, Mitchi? What does your mom really do for a living?
Speaker A
All right, my mom isn't rich and famous in China. She is a cook at this camp.
Speaker A
Oh my god. So, you're poor? That's so embarrassing. Just for the record, we all hate you now. You all hate me because I'm poor now. We hate you because you're not rich.
Speaker A
All right, everyone. Final jam is over and now we will be hearing Mitchie. Although she has no chance of winning because, as I said, final jam is over.
Speaker A
Go Mitchie. That's the voice I've been looking for all this time. What now? Nothing. It's just It's really good. That's That's it. Do you not know how to survive in case of a zombie apocalypse?
Speaker A
Well, that's okay cuz I'm here to help. Step one, stock up on supplies. Ration your food if you can. HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY SON? OH, YEAH. You want the arm or the leg? What?
Speaker A
Too soon? The apocalypse started 2 hours ago. I just thought I'd rip the cannibalism band-aid off and start with the weakest and ugliest ones. You'd be next. No offense. Next up, form alliances. Team up with people for mutual protection and
Speaker A
support. Hey guys, this is Shakira. She's really good at evading zombies. Nope, we don't have Wi-Fi. Shakira, look for a safe place to stay, preferably with limited entry points. [laughter] I'm inside your mall. Learn basic self-defense techniques or have weapons
Speaker A
IF POSSIBLE. OH, NO. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean Sorry. Don't tell the others. I'm sorry. Establish communication. Set up a way to communicate with others.
Speaker A
Silly. I need you to stay WHERE YOU ARE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? I captain. Good.
Speaker A
I need you to stay where you are. I like sitting down cuz there's a stick up my ass and I like how you I'm not going to throw the walkie-talkie away.
Speaker A
Good choice. Hello. Somebody looks like they need a little pickme up. I got just the right thing for you. Oh, no. I don't drink.
Speaker A
You don't drink, Capri? What's with the long face? Rough day at work. Yeah, I feel you. [music] Yeah, I can see that. Please stop.
Speaker A
Excuse me. What? I'm still waiting on that coconut kiss that I ordered 2 minutes ago.
Speaker A
That was yours. Yeah, I'm also still waiting on my drink. You know what? I kind of have the suspicion that you've been drinking them all behind the counter.
Speaker A
Come here. Come closer. Excuse me. Could I have a glass of water? One sangria is on the way. No, just a glass of water for my son. AND THREE SHOTS OF TEQUILA ON THE WAY. OO.
Speaker A
OO. SILIA, YOU'RE FIRED. NO, YOU'RE ON FIRE. ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE. We need a new video idea.
Speaker A
Hello. Oh, there you are, Mr. Cricket. Come here. COME. COME TO MOM. [screaming] I'VE BEEN told to come get a video idea.
Speaker A
Oh, easy. Follow me. Um, I don't think we've met. Oh, I'm the one who decides which idea is fine and which idea will get us cancelled.
Speaker A
Oh, okay. Uh-oh. Duck. Wa. Was that a foot? I thought we got rid of those. They reproduce way too fast.
Speaker A
Follow me. HI, EVERYONE. DROP all the ideas YOU'VE GOT. WHO GAVE VICTORIAN CHILD A NIGHT? I JUST WANT TO CALL A PUMPKIN. A no, he means ginger. Oh god.
Speaker A
Okay. Anyways, uh ideas Snape Sylvia. All right, video idea. Professor Snape finally meets Lily, the love of his life, and then they a hamster. Okay. Um uh Italian Sylvia, any ideas?
Speaker A
That's That's a good one. Uh German Silia. OKAY, SO THIS TIME we actually kill France. [laughter] We can break his neck and I can make an accident and then we can drop his body in international revol. LOOK, IT'S TAX FRAUD. Creepy
Speaker A
Sylvia. Any ideas? Okay, so POV, you're in my trunk. No, you didn't even let me finish naked.
Speaker A
Okay, maybe we just post a day later. No, NO, NO. I PROMISE WE HAVE SOMETHING GOOD. A VICTORIAN CHILD. OH. UM, I got a new butler and I ate him. Did you do it over international vatas?
Speaker A
How about a video where we sh our pants? Oh, no. We already did that.
Speaker A
Yeah, I'm I'm good. Does that mean you're coming back tomorrow? Hello. Can I eat half?
Speaker A
This was a nice date. So, um Oh, big apartment. Lots of room for lots of activities. Do you dance?
Speaker A
That's okay. I can dance for both. [music] Big apartment, big bed. It's like you want me to spend the night. What? You only got one pillow. And don't worry, I brought mine.
Speaker A
Oh, I thought you didn't mind sharing. Did you have Mexican without me? Oh, perfect recipe for hummus. Oh, you got something right there. We got to stop doing that. [laughter] Oh, where are you taking me? Second date already. All right, let's go.
Speaker A
Okay, so we either have Monopoly or a game that I invented which involves us two in bed or Monopoly. Sure, choose one.
Speaker A
I'll be taking the horse because I am good at riding horses and people. Oh, prison again. Tie me up, officer.
Speaker A
Tie me. Never wanted to sleep with you less than right now. Unless you want to.
Speaker A
Oh, that's going to cost me a lot of money. I don't care. Take it.
Speaker A
Uh, I'm not done playing. Mario, Luigi and I talked AND WE DECIDED YOU NEED TO STOP. THIS ISN'T YOU.
Speaker A
WHERE ARE THEY? I FLASHED THEM. OH NO, it's Cinderella with her crystal gloves and she's USING THEM TO KNOCK PEOPLE OUT.
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I'M KILLING THIS till midnight. Sylvia, how are you? I can't believe this. Grandma Close. It's me, Shakira. Hello, all aboard the Foot Panic.
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Oh boy, do I love the smell of sea. The sea. No, excuse me, Professor Snake.
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Beep beep beep beep beep. Huh? Hey, Silva. You want to come to lunch with us? Oh, no. I can't. I have to go feed my new friend that I made on the third floor. I called him Johnny.
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Okay, whatever you say. Hi. Hi, Johnny. Hey, calm down. I brought you lunch. He's full of protein and still alive.
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Just how you like it. Johnny, you want to listen to a new song I wrote?
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Whoa. John, are you falling asleep? That's rude. Hey, who raised you? No falling asleep this time.
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Johnny. Silia, it has come to our attention that you've been visiting Fluffy, the three-headed dog. No, it's a Johnny.
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Silia, what you're doing is extremely dangerous. Also, loads of Hogwarts cats have gone missing. Would you know anything about that?
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No. Johnny, sadly, we cannot see each other anymore. Hey, what's the thing you're guarding? I want to Hey, hey, let me pass and I give you dinner.
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Okay. Good afternoon, Potter. Professor Snape, I really have to study. I found a way to bring your parents back to life, Potter.
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Really? No, of course not. How would I? They're dead. You really need to get over that.
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Oh my god, you're such a Last time I checked, you shouldn't call people names on the birthday.
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Happy birthday. A thank you, Potter. Where's my present? I'm not getting your present. Anyways, I'm throwing my birthday party tonight and you're still invited. Here's your invitation.
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Dorothy. Damn it. I need to stop including my middle name and stuff. My mother promised it was manly.
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All right, I'll be there. Really? No. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You show up or I'm failing you.
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[laughter] Potter, you came. Oh, guys, it's not awkward until we make this awkward. All right. Now, come and watch me beat my pinata.
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So, when are your exams over? Yeah. Don't talk to me. Okay. Oh, GUYS, I THINK I GOT IT. Merry Christmas Draco.
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Did you kill one of my pets again? No, it doesn't contain anything dead. I promise. Just take it. Okay.
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It's very much alive. What? [cheering] Silia, since it is your fault that Draco is injured in the hospital wing, it is your job to take care of him during the Christmas holidays.
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No, please. Draco, it's Christmas. Ho ho ho. Is what Santa says every time he's referring to your mom. I brought you another present.
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No, not again. Oh, no. Don't worry. It's nothing material. This time it's music. And I will be playing to you the entire Christmas holiday. Last Christmas, I'm sorry I gave you a baby dragon for Christmas. [music] I thought it would eat your pets, not
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your face. Just so you know, you're ugly now. [singing] You're ugly now. Here, I brought you a new pet. Will you be killing it again?
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I might cook it. I might cook the cat. Draco, do you want to know what the unforgivable curses feel like? No, please. Oh, of course you don't. Um, see, that wouldn't matter if there's anything you could do about whatever's
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about to happen. And now, a message to everyone watching. Merry Christmas and and a happy new year. Please help me. SHE'S TORTURING ME.
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OKAY. OKAY. BYE. HEY GUYS, has anybody seen Harry and Ron? I didn't find them on the Hogwarts Express, but they still owe me like 10 gallions from last term, and he said they would give it back to I think I'm actually GETTING GOOD AT
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POTIONS. LOOK AT ME. EVERYONE, LOOK. I brought chocolate frogs and Betty Bry flavor beans. Here, Sylvia, TRY THIS ONE. WHERE DID YOU GET ALL OF THAT CANDY from Zos? THE ONE THAT SYLVIA'S TRYING IS AN EXPLODING BON BON.
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OKAY. The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. Is this like a weird sex thing? Should have just gone to public school. Harry, how come you were late for class today?
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Oh, it's because of that one moving staircase that sometimes goes completely crazy and doesn't pull up to any platform.
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It's so dangerous. Somebody should do SOMETHING ABOUT THAT. WOO! YEAH, QUIT IT. Go Hufflepuff.
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This needs to be over a minute because I want to pay rent. I can't be with you anymore, Sandra. But why? Is it because I don't have much money?
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No. Is it because of my parental issues? No. Is it because I don't ever ever ever ever want to leave my monster truck? Of course, it's because you never LEAVE YOUR MONSTER TRUCK. BUT IT HAS SUCH COOL GADGETS and sound effects. That's why
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you don't have much money. Sorry. I think I think I sat on a button. They're all over the place. I just I just feel like I'm third wheeling with you and a monster truck.
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It's like YOU DON'T EVEN CARE. YOU TOOK IT ON VACATION WITH US. I'm bored. I'm going to go play bingo with the old people at the hotel.
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Oh, you're just jealous because you can't do this. [screaming] Tickle tickle. Listen, I GOT TO GO. NO, PLEASE DON'T. REMEMBER OUR FIRST date when we went bowling? Hey, I'm already inside. I can't wait.
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What a fun evening. Am I right, Rob? Rob. God damn it. Today we'll be carving pumpkins with my friends that are coming to my house voluntarily. And we're having fun, right?
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All right, we're done with carving the pumpkins. Um, [clears throat] can we go now? You said no. We're now going to take pictures with the pumpkins on our heads.
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Do we really have to? Do you really want me to do your mom? Trickor treat.
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That's one scary ghost costume. What the? Sorry. That's one scary ugly witch costume. I'm not wearing a costume.
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Trick or treat. Oh, I have no sweets left. Take this instead. Trickorreat. I know. I didn't know you were doing a boring costume contest this evening. My grandma made this costume.
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Oh, well, in that case, tell your grandma she's boring. I can't. She died two days ago.
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She was boring. [whistles] It's me again. The one without the costume. Sorry. Haha. Nobody told me this was going to be a boring costume contest.
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Oh my god. What's wrong with you? That's a child. Are you sick? I would gladly exchange him for candy because he's a pain in the ass.
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You're a pain. You're a pain. Welcome to the family. MIGAL CAGE FIGHTS. ON ONE SIDE WE HAVE ISABELLA and on the OTHER SIDE LOUISA. GET ready to be slapped by a cact. I'm going to shove my fist so far up your I'm going to be
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waving out your mouth and wearing you as a sleeve. M. Get me up. Get me out. GET ME OUT. FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT. FIGHT.
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FIGHT. OH NO. NO. LOUISA. NO CANNIBALISM. IT SAYS ON THE SIGN RIGHT THERE. DO THAT JUST FOR YOU. LOUISA. NO.
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NO. HEY. SPEED OUT. ISSA. SPEED. WE ARE GATHERED here today [music] in memory of Issa. Mirael. I told you cage fights were not a good idea. Well, it was your idea. You even got the cages and sponsors. [music] No. See, Mirabel, it's
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okay. I'm here. Issa, you're alive. Psych. You should have seen your face. Your mom's face was funnier though. I got to admit. Camilo, YOU NEED TO STOP SHAPESHIFTING INTO DECEASED LOVED ONES.
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THAT'S NOT OKAY. I GOT TURNED INTO AO AND PRANK AUELA. STOP. ALMA, it's me.
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Pedra, you're alive. Psych. Hey guys, I just wanted to make this video to address this because it's something you need to know.
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[snorts] Sorry. I did your mom and she loved it. I don't want to put any effort into cooking today, so it's going to be tapas. I don't really know how to describe what these are, but it's basically crab.
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You know, the the part of the crab that goes, you know what it is that make me look stupid. So, anyone saying, "Oh my god, Silia, stop it with the mom jokes.
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They're not funny." Who's Who said Who said there were jokes? Sylvia, what are you doing?
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Viewers, mom, go back to bed. I'll be right there. But I miss you. Of course you do.
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Please don't upload this on Tik Tok. I don't want my child to see. Jokes aside, [snorts] Sylvia, hurry.
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I said go back to bed. I will be leaving these in for like 15 minutes. Oh, we wait. I shall read a list of things that I love about myself. Um, look, it's a bike. Guess with stuff like
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this, you can't really do anything wrong. So, so it's true what they're saying on the train. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts. Indeed. My name's Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. [laughter] You think my name is funny, do you? Oh, no. Wrong. Stop. I think your name is
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boiling hot. Oh, the moment I heard your name, my loins were so on fire. They have turned to ash.
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Anyways, uh these are crab and go. Where are they? Oh, you mean those two hunks?
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Yes, I've met them on the train. However, they did not want to leave the wagon after our encounter. So, they're on their way back to London. Yes, what a pity. But what did you do to them? Quite a bit, but not enough. Oh,
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listen. You'll soon find out that some wizarding families are better than others. You will want to [clears throat] be making friends with the wrong sword.
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Oh, it is my pleasure. Where's your hand wet? Better question would be when is it not? See you after the sorting, you little hair gelled devil. Come on, Ron.
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You freckled stallion. What a cozy Hogwarts. It was Snape. SNAKE MURDERED DUMBLEDORE. YEAH, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN CHECK IF ANYONE WAS STANDING RIGHT BELOW THE TOP.
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SO, you want to apply to be a death eater? Yes. What are your qualifications? I can do this with my thumb. Also, I'm really good at hiding.
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Have you used your wand to kill people before? Yes. I use it to stab people in the eye with I meant the Avada Kadabra.
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I thought you gave people dark marks with magic. I didn't think you actually had to hire a tattoo artist.
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Yes, we will have to kill him afterwards. What? You die when YOU'RE DONE. EVERYONE, WELCOME SYLVIA TO THE DEATH EATERS. HI. HI, SILIA. HI, EVERYONE.
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[screaming] OH MY GOD. Death Eater besties. This safe right here could contain a necklace that carries a diamond called the heart of the ocean. And if I could only get it open. I did it. Well, does it contain the necklace?
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Much better. It's poor. Mark, we found the woman depicted in a drawing you found.
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Hello. Still nothing like in the picture. It's a catfish. It all started in 1912 where I was stuck in a loveless relationship with my fiance. I'm stuck in a loveless relationship, so I'm jumping off the ship. No, don't. I've already made my
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decision. Nobody can stop. Hey, how you doing, Jack? Stronger like one of your French girls. Look, Jack, there's an automobile on the boat.
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This is not what I WAS BUILT FOR. EVERYBODY GET TO SAFETY. THE SHIP IS SINKING.
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But what is it sinking about, bro? People are dying. I will never let go, Jack. But are you sure that there's no space in that piece of wood? Jack, it's not about space.
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It's about the buoyancy. Just because we're in love doesn't mean the laws of physics don't apply. What are you doing?
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Speeding up the hypothermia. And this is how my story went. Wait, is that the necklace? Yes, I will throw it in the And this is how I became the richest tuna in the world.
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Oh my god, is that a dragon? I need to shoot it down and make my dad proud.
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And this picture right here is the one of a dragon with two heads and two butts. We call him the 69er.
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Why is it called like that? Tilt your head a bit. OH, EW. EW. This one right here is the most dangerous one. We call him the pickup.
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Looks like a dragon I shot down. Yeah, he probably enjoyed it. Ew. Stop. Hiccup, all the dragons I've shown you till now have been registered.
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What register? Dangerous dragons. Sex offenders. OKAY. EW, WHAT IS this place? Jesus Christ. Hiccup, are you going to go find the dragon you shot down?
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But Hiccup, this is the only way for you to prove to your dad that you're not a disappointment. You're just ugly.
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Okay, that wasn't necessary. Here, dragon. Dragon. Dragon that I shot down. Sorry about Is that it?
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It does look kind of cool. And it has a strap on. Okay. Nope. Hiccup. You'll always be a disappointment to me.
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I mean, I did shoot down a peggger. Impossible. The last time I had an encounter with a peggger, he left me with these scars.
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OH, EW. DAD, PULL YOUR PANTS UP. OH, THAT DOES NOT LOOK HEALTHY AT ALL. YOU NEED A DOCTOR.
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SO, never did a get ready with me before, so I might as well. Hey, hey, I I have to go to this thing with my mom. It's a thing. It's a thing with a It's a thing with a thing.
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[music] Ah birds. [music] All right. Now, a bit of concealer and foundation to cover up my pimples. I wish I could do the same thing to my past. It's spaghetti to forget my regret.
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Oh my god. Stop. You're making me blush. And now you take the thing that sparkles the most and you put it on your lid to make it brighter than your own future.
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And you see the sparkles cuz they're there. Smile. Lift your eyebrows. Stop smiling. This is your model face.
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Do you approve? Do you find me sexy? Bless you. This thing sprays perfume once in a while so that our bathroom doesn't smell like this little Okay, now for the eyeliner. I'm going to show you step by step how I do it so that you can
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do it as well. Starting off with these two lines. Fill them out and you're done. Oh my god. So easy. The eyes are finished.
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Oh wow, your eyes look so nice. Uh, are you perhaps wearing any makeup? No. Lie to their faces. Now for the lips. I'm going nude like your mom in my bed yesterday. Is somebody crying? Is somebody being a little push? Say hi,
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Bruna. We don't talk about Brun. Now I have to deal with these natural curls. They're so natural. I so annoying. I need to brush them through to make them look a little more neat cuz they're so natural. Much better.
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Now putting on the jumpsuit I haven't worn. Trigger warning. Motivational video. If you're not careful, you might be too motivated at the end of this video, and that's dangerous if you motivate the wrong people, cuz then you get murderers. So, I hope you're not a
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murderer. If you are, keep keep scrolling. Are you ready to get motivated to do your work? Thank me later. The important thing is that you give yourself a pep talk in front of the mirror every day after waking up. A new
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day has started and I already want to die. Keep motivating yourself like that throughout the day. The important thing you have to know is that you can do it because I believe in you. Mind that I don't know you probably personally, so
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like I can't guarantee it. The important thing is that you believe in yourself. Cuz if you believe in yourself, you can achieve anything except if you believe that you can still save your hamster's life after you stepped on it. You can't.
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It's dead. You stepped on it. If it's still moving, it's probably in a lot of pain. So, you should just take the hammer and give it a good People who say reach for the stars, but I think that's
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setting unrealistic standards because stars are really far away. So, maybe try reaching for like a really high stick on a tree or like the pickle jar on your shelf. Here's a comparison to make you understand better.
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[sighs] I'm still depressed now. Pull yourself together and do the thing that you wanted to do today. Take it from me.
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Today I wanted to write that essay that's due tomorrow. I haven't started yet, but I still got 2 hours. But then always be sure to end the day with a self five.
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I hate my wife. You applied first for the defense against the dark arts pose.
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Is that correct? Yes. Thought you were unsuccessful. Professor Snape, please. I'm studying. OH, NO. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. I'LL FAIL YOU. ANYWAYS, UMBRAGE MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL TODAY. YOU DON'T NEED an umbrage for that.
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She said, and I quote, putting out my best acting skills for this, Potter, you profess.
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Professor Umbrage, there you are. You ran out of your class crying. Very unprofessional. You look like a pink BUTT PLUM. PROFESSOR SNAPE, I'LL MAKE SURE TO DISCUSS YOUR BEHAVIORAL ISSUES WITH NOTHING.
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WHAT ABOUT IF I KILL HIM FIRST? RIGHT, POTTER. WHAT? WHAT? OH, NO. Never mind. Uh, that's for the next movie. I will give you ONE LAST.
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I'D RATHER cause a trade to derail into an orphanage. NO OFFENSE, POTTER. BACK TO CLASS, PROFESSOR SNAKE. NO.
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CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? I'M CHILLING WITH MY BRO POTTER OVER HERE. That's because I'm basically his father because I had a thing with his mom. HE DIDN'T.
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POTTER, CAN YOU JUST OKAY. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO WHAT I ASK YOU TO, YES, I USUALLY don't let Pepto-Bismol tell me what to do. forget it because she's pink and causes nausea. WELL, AT LEAST I STILL HAVE PARENTS. Wo wo wo wo
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wo. Are they like a million years old? Did your mom fought too hard and it CAUSED A BIG BANG? I'M TELLING DUMBLEDORE ABOUT THIS. We're a great team, Potter. Yeah, we're not a team. We need a name. How about seis and orphan
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boy? Beauty and deceased parents scarface. I have to go feed my new friend that I made on the third floor. I called him Johnny. Johnny. Sadly, we cannot see each other anymore. Hey, what's the thing you're guarding? I want TO SAY,
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"HEY, HEY, LET ME PASS AND I GIVE you dinner." Okay. Is that devil snare?
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Yeah. Why? Lumos. I was enjoying that. Oh, I think we have to catch one of these keys.
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To do what? To open the door. The door made out of wood. Yes. Once I make my move, your queen will check the king. No. Run. No.
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What is it? He's going to sacrifice himself. No, you can't. There must be another way.
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You want to stop Snake from getting sto I'm really sorry about what happened to your brother Ron back there.
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He's not my brother. You're not Jenny. Fred. George. What kind of rock is this?
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Hello, devil. Stop that. Do it again. Hello and welcome to Sylvia's escape room. The only escape room. Can't wait to go into the escape room. Jack and I.
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My hubby Wy. We love escape rooms, don't we? Booby. We sure do. My wumpkin pumpkin. Okay. What a terrible day to have ears. And then here YOU GO. NO. NO.
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PLEASE NO. Never mind. The people who were here before you aren't done yet. So, I'm going to go and finish them all. Finish the game and then you can Yeah, she said finish them all.
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Yeah, I heard an escape room full of different kinds of experiences, mysteries puzzles fire grandma's offering old purse candy and murder more. So much more. Anyways, guys, guys, the next puzzle is my mom. Convince her that not everyone must have a degree in
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something. Um, it's okay to not have a degree. Huh? Wow. You make me want to have someone shoot me in the face.
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Mom, you can't be saying that to every person who tries to talk to you about this. Nobody's attacking you, Mom. You just have to try to be minded when it comes to on degrees to be attacked by fugly hoes. You need to stop insulting
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my customers. insulting. I'm stating. And for the last challenge, you have to reach the exit before Bernard here reaches you. Does he want to kill us?
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No. Yes. Now? [music] Yes. Maybe. Yes. Call now to experience the one and only.
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Bernard, are you going to you going to clean up the blood trip? Bernard? No.
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Bernard. Okay. Will you ever study anything? Wow, what a nice winter's day. I have a feeling today will be a nice go.
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I think both my lungs popped. Has anybody seen Sylvia? Does anybody know why she hasn't come to class yet?
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Oh. Uh, she's at the hospital wing because of an accident with the wamping willow.
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I hope she feels better soon. You guys, look. I animated a snowman. Look at it doing its silly dance. Silly snowman doing its silly dance. Oh, watch my wallet.
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Sylvia one wamping willow. See the gargoyle strike of 1911 was a wild cat strike of gargoyles referred to a work by unionized workers without authorization from the union.
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Sylvia, was that the snowman you animated? Oh yeah, it's been mugging students and using the money to buy fancy hats. Yeah, you got to stop it, right? Sorry.
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What the hell? What? OH, YOU CAN SEE ME. I FORGOT to activate my invisibility.
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Uh, go invisibility. No. Stay away FROM MY BUTT. NEVER. So what kind of ghost are you? I am what is called a pants. Okay. I possess people and make them their pants and then I am possessed them. Can I possess you? Uh
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no. Ha. You looked I'm touching your feet with my other hand. No. E. Can I ask you how you died? I my pants. Okay, never mind. Too hard. And now I'm cursed to possess people and make them [ __ ] your
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pants. Well, but you could also just not do it. The curse is that I enjoy it.
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Never mind. I shouldn't have asked. Ooh, floating pen. Ooh. Also, look over here. Floating black harok microphone. That's not a microphone. [screaming] BETRO, IT'S VIBRATING TOWARDS ME. WHAT DO I DO? WHAT DO I DO? WHAT? HELLO, I'm Ed Warren. And all our super cursed and
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super dangerous artifacts we keep here in our very accessible basement. And how did you get out? Excuse me. Vac, get back in here. No.
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Get back. And sometimes I feel this presence while I sleep. And when I wake up, I find that my hand has been put in a warm bowl of water, causing me to pee myself.
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And that was hanging on your ceiling when you woke up? Yes. Yes, it was. Mrs. Warren, have you found anything?
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We've taken a look at your house. And what did you see? Are we in danger?
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Well, let's say you're going to need loads of candles. What? Why? So that you can at least make it a bit romantic before the demon [ __ ] YOUR FAMILY. HEY, LORRAINE. WHAT? SORRY. It's actually quite bad. We cannot help your family of
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eight. But but please, we're all good people. I've got five young children with their whole life ahead of them. How could everything go so wrong so fast?
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And little Timmyy's getting sick. We're all so scared. Okay. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
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Start the car. Start the car. Start the car. Yeah. Go. Sayarara, losers. Is the car not? No. Oh.
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Help! Get back here. You cannot run me forever. WATCH ME. OW! WHO LEFT THIS rake laying on the grass? Haha! You've been [ __ ] Hey guys. So, today I started off my day by making my lovely stepsister some
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coffee. It's high quality Brazilian coffee with some unflushed toilet water. My only friends are mice and I share all my secrets with them and they share leptosperosis, lymphocyic menitis, and salmonella. We got a letter from the royal palace, but my stepmother ripped
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it out of my hands, which is fair not because I can't read, but she's still a [ __ ] said I could go if I cleaned the entire house with a toothbrush. She didn't say whose toothbrush, though. So,
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meanwhile, my mice friends had worked on a dress for me all day, but it was kind of ugly and there were poop pellets in every crease. So, I asked my fairy godmother to make me one. It's from Prada, and the shoes are Jimmy Chu. So,
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I finally arrive at the ball. All eyes on me, Obby. My stepsisters are there, too, and all I can say is, "Suck it, horse." The prince danced with me all night, but he kept staring at my feet.
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No joke, I don't think he looked up once. And when the clock struck midnight, I had to leave because I was about to transform back to looking poor.
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Got to keep the Jimmy Chews, but I lost one. Then the prince found it again and brought it to my house. He said he followed the smell, whatever that means.
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I barely know him, but we're married now. Hi. Did you do the homework for today?
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I smell good. Do you want to hear my stitch impression? Not really. Ohana means um on your arm. No.
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So, what do you do for fun? Do you like the new English teacher? I don't know. I saw her punch an old lady once, but she let us watch movie yesterday, so I'm torn. You want some applesauce?
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No, thank you. You sure? You have very pretty eyes, Silia. for the last time. Would you mind facing me while I'm explaining this?
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We're having a conversation. And that's how I ended up puking on that baby. It was It was basically this color.
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Silia, I'm serious. Go back to your seat. Okay. Hello. Hello. What's your name? Tell us a bit about yourself. My name is Sylvia and [music] my parents died 3 years before I was born. And at the age of 17, I was only 9
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years old. So, it was really rough out there. And yesterday my dog got [music] eaten by chocolate.
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Anyways, um, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Go, buzzer. You deserve it. You deserve it. You're going to Hollywood. [music] Great things await you. Here, have my car.
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PLEASE TAKE MY HOUSE. The world loves you, Mrs. President. What? Wait, can we even do that? Oh my god.
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Let's nuke the North Pole just to see what happens. Somebody put my goldfish in my shoe.
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Potter. Quiet. You should. Professor Snape, is there a reason why you're interrupting my class?
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Potter, put a fish in my shoe. What? Nothing. Put up my office now. Pa, you made me step on my goldfish.
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What? This right here, it's all your fault. Who would name their fish then? What? Wrong picture. This was my dad's funeral. This is all your fault.
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Okay. Was it you? Did you make my shoe fishy? No. What? You're supposed to be telling the truth. I put Verit serum in your tea.
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The tea you're drinking? Um, what's your dirtiest secret? Oh, I dream about your mom every night. And sometimes she has your head and your father's eyes. What the Oh, stop. Okay, I did it. I put your goldfish in your shoes. Wait, was all
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this creepiness just a plan to get me to confess? No. Damn it. So, I said, "Oh my god, they're coming." All right, WHAT'S THE NEXT QUEST?
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What are we going to do? There's nothing we can do. We're NPCs. SEND YOU OH MY GOD, I'M on fire. Oh, it hurts so much. Oh, the excruciating.
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Whiskers, where are you? Food's ready. Leviosa and expelis, [ __ ] [ __ ] cat.
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No wonder they call me the [ __ ] destroyer. Hi, welcome to Quality Quidditch Supplies. How can I not you?
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Yo, I want to buy your mom. [laughter] We have brooms in all sizes. That's what she said. INCENDIO.
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SO, how are the kids? That was my lawyer. Let me show you how to make a real Italian pizza. A real pizza consists of love, passion, integrity, Italian baby, and passion. First things first, you have to get dressed for the
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pizza baking. I recommend knee high socks. Not cuz they're useful, but because they're sexy. Next thing you do to make the dough, you put flour.
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Italian flour in. Then we get an egg. Italian egg that also goes from Italian chickens. The chickens have Italian documents and they can't drive because because they're chickens, not because they're Italian. And oh, look at that dough. The dough is ready. Dough magic.
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After kneading the dough thoroughly, stretch it out on a platter. Stretch it out on a platter. Then we add the Italian tomato sauce made by your Italian grandma during World War II for the Italian soldiers.
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For Italian soldiers. So then you add Italian. Boom. Then you add so you can't see the pizza anymore and you put it in the Italian oven. It it has Italian documentation.
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Although this oven resides in Germany at the moment. Then you cut it up the Italian. Then you serve it to your German roommate because you don't want to eat that [ __ ] But Germans.
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Hey guys, I just wanted to say thank you for 5 million followers on Tik Tok. And I'm not the only one who wants to say thank you. Oh hello. I am Sylvia's German character. And I also wanted to
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say thank you. And thank you for me as well. And yet again, nobody was talking to you first.
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Hello. I'm another sexy version of Snape. And I wanted to say thank you. I don't say thank you. I behead.
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I think that's the best you're going to get. I am very grateful for you guys' support.
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I want to behead. Uh, not yet. I'm also very grateful that I get to do this as a job.
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THERE WAS NO ONE OUTSIDE TO BEHEAD. UH, go check at the neighbors. Go check at the neighbors.
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Okay. And I obviously couldn't have done it without you guys being all nice in the comments. Should I use a machete or an axe?
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Axe. Okay, I guess I'll see you in my next videos. It's done. Mr. Potter.
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Yes, professor. Are you ready for your first game of quibbage? You mean Quidditch? Quit [ __ ] There are beers and there's a You have to beat the Well, who's I never love course.
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Don't worry, Harry. I very very secretly enjoy it. Ouchy. Ouchie. Professor McDonald, I don't think I want to play this game anymore.
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But I've seen the way you fly. You're a natural talent. You have to beat the B.
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I just don't want the B. You're expelled. Oh no, Harry. I guess you have to beat me now. I guess this is going to hurt. I don't make the rules in between here if you please.
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No. I'm sorry, professor. I just couldn't do it. Expelled because you couldn't be a big Yep. I once killed a So, Lord Voldemort, pleasure to meet you. Damn it.
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[music] I'm Clear. I'm Emma. I'm Ricky. And I'm Louis. Shut the up, Louis. Ricky, I your mom yesterday and she liked it.
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Come on, guys. To find out what causes your transformation, I did some research on the movie. I hope you drown in the moon pool. Ricky, I'm just trying to help you guys. Help us help you un alive yourself.
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Arnar, it's the full moon tonight. Why? What happens during a full moon? It makes us do things like what? Orson, wait. Wait. Were you guys responsible for my apartment burning down last month?
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And I'll do it again. Ricky, I can't see. Oh no, the condensation. Ricky, do you need help?
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Yeah, I do. No, wait. Who is this? Uh, it's Louis, LOUIS, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. You ugly hair.
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[music] I'm not afraid to use this. [singing] Hi, Grandma. Hello, dear. What big ears you have, Grandma. This is why I told YOUR MOTHER TO STOP SENDING YOU OVER here because you keep insulting me. I'm just saying you got some huge ears,
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Grandma. They get bigger with age. Well, Grandma, what big teeth you have? WELL, I THINK MY TEETH are normal size.
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Sorry, couldn't hear you. I was changing your contact name to attention horse. They kind of also look like a pez.
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Should have drowned you when I still could. And what big eyes you have. I guess that's fine. They're so pale and milky.
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How are you still alive, Grandma? I SWEAR TO GOD, PATRICIA, I'D RATHER have a WOLF ATTACK ME THAN SPEND more time with you. I could even take your place pretending to be you and I wouldn't notice. Same with a horse.
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Did your mom at least give you pie to bring over here? Oh, yeah. But it might be gone in a bite for you cuz cuz you got such a big mouth.
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Oh, this is the wolf I was talking to on the way over. Oh my goodness.
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I was actually planning on eating your grandma, but I'm a bit afraid of choking on those big hairs, right? I mean, LOOK AT THEM. OKAY, BOTH OF YOU OUT AND TELL YOUR MOTHER IT'S NEVER TOO LATE FOR AN ABORTION. MR.
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WOLF, DO YOU THINK I was a bit mean in there? A bit. Yeah, you should go apologize.
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Hey, Grandma. I'm sorry I was so mean to you. That won't happen again. Over here.
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No. You want to ditch this and go get fro yo? I brought your lactase pills later. Cool. I always thought that no man would ever be good enough for my best friend.
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So, I remember the time when we went clubbing and that time where we went to Amsterdam, the the time we went to church and we snuck into the wine compartment.
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Oh, come on. Here's to my best friend and her husband. [cheering] Also, I didn't know if I should say this before or after the toast, but grandma fell off the stairs.
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Wait, what? Is she all right? I don't know. Uh, she wasn't moving when I left.
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I should Yeah, I should have let with that. I I should have said that before the toast.
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You should have me. Yeah, she was on the third floor. She's on the first now. She fell a lot.
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For some people, Christmas is the most magical time [music] of the year. And for others, it's the best.
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Merry Christmas, Mr. BAKER. YOU KNOW DAMN WELL my bakery BURNT DOWN 3 MONTHS AGO.
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Merry Christmas, Mr. Neighbor. Stop breaking into my house. But what Sylvia didn't know is that a big surprise was awaiting her.
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Hey, I'm sorry you don't know me, but I just want a trip to Hawaii for two people and I have nobody to take and I just [music] saw you and I'm sorry, but I just have to ask. Would you like to
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come with me? No, you're a stranger and I don't want to get molested. But it's Hawaii. I don't want to get molested in Hawaii. And yet Sylvia could not stop thinking about that offer.
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What offer? The one to go to [music] Hawaii. But I don't want to go.
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Is what her brain said. But her heart said something different. You're going to Hawaii.
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I can't believe you're actually coming with me. You're crazy. I didn't want. Just like that, Sylvia's adventure was about [music] to start.
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Sylvia, you're absolutely crazy. If you're going to jump, aim for the darker water. That's where it's deeper. I'm actually aiming for the rock. Hey, look.
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It's mistletoe. Did you know that mistletoe is a parasite that takes away nutrients from trees? [music] Just like you're taking away my love for festivities and my will to live. that also in paradise there can sometimes [music] be trouble. Tell me, aren't you
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at least a bit happy that I brought you with me? I was kind of forced to go by this voice inside my head. Don't tell him about me or else.
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I had an awesome time with you, Silia. It's too bad it's already over. Merry Christmas, Silia.
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Shut up. Your bakery is dead. [music] I find too like when girls have no hobbies, they demand more of your attention.
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Whoa. Whoa. Have you noticed that? Whoa. Cuz like sure they may go to work, they go home and it's like they're on their phone and then they're like texting like, "Okay, like what are you doing?" Like [ __ ] true.
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And like I'm grinding on my purpose like I don't have time for you. Like sometimes I tell a girl like respectfully like why don't you get a hobby? Like you tried taking up a sport or something like that.
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You just like cuz a red flag is when a girl is just on your ass all the time.
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Yeah. Too clingy. Right. But you just set up the red flag that led to that red flag.
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Pre- red flag. Yeah. Whoa. Come on, Silia. Dance. Yeah. Show us what you got. Go, Silia.
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How old are you? Um, I'm 27. Oh, you're much older than I am. Therefore, I guess you die first. So, what do you do in your free time?
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Panic. I like this song. Therefore, I deem it appropriate to twerk. Never have I ever held my breath to slow down global warming while sitting on the toilet, but then it passed out and hit my head on the sink, so I had to be
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rescued. But my skinny jeans were too tight, so nobody could either pull them off or put them back on. So, I just woke up on a couch with my butt out.
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I don't know how this game works. I brought applesauce. Hey, is your grandma dead, too? No. Don't worry, she'll get there. Would the applesauce be more to your liking if I poured vodka in it?
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This isn't my drink. Dentists, am I right? You need to floss more. That's a bit of an outdated Fortnite dance.
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I hope it's okay that I brought my pet cricket. I just puked on your hamster.
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WHO SAID GERMANS CAN'T BE COZY? NOBODY. SO GOOD AS TO ME MY VIDEO. I'M GOING TO PROVE you wrong by putting the sleeves of my sweetheart over my hands like this and holding my teacup like this like I
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always do. You never do that and your mother never loved you. Ta blankie with sleeves. This screams cozy German. Can you also make me a cozy German? Do you see a second blankie with sleeves and my will to care? No. Good. Next up, I have
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candles that I light up all over the house. What? HOW DID YOU LIGHT THAT? I took all of your mattresses away because you wouldn't stop setting things on fire. Yes, I know. I use a family flaming bath. Next up, I use bath bombs
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because we all know that. A cozy bath. Oh, how nice. Can I also have a bath bomb? Yes, France. You can have that one. Did you just point at the toaster?
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Yes. You know, I don't like how mean you've been to me lately. What do you mean lately? I never changed. And you know what they say, never change for anybody. So, sorry, not sorry. I quoted my bestie Demi Lovato. All right,
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Potter. I will try and read your mind and you must block me. But what if I don't want to, Professor Snape? You have to Potter. I will be going inside of me of your thoughts. Um, and you will try
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and stop me. Hit me then. Legitimments. Oh my god. Like what you see? OH NO. OH NO. I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE THAT. OH, WHY DOES IT have a little scar on it? You really want to know? Is that Mrs.
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Norris? Yeah, that was weird. Even for me. Oh, MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT MAKE IT STOP.
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DID you see everything? I think so. Even when I did the thing with the Yes. And when I put the thing on top of the thing. Yes. How about when it went in between?
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All right. Cool. Cuz the piece is about to start. I'll see you there then.
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Where am I? Is this my neighbor's basement? Hello, Sylvia. Jerry. No, this isn't Jerry. This isn't your neighbor's basement.
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Is it my basement? No, it's mine. Okay, good. Cuz it's ugly. It has come to my attention that you like screaming at elderly people.
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Hey, if you're referring to what happened last Saturday, I was defending myself. You said, and I quote, "That grandma was walking faster than the average elderly person. Therefore, she was chasing me." Exactly. I was in danger.
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She was on the other side of the road because nobody was going to help her cross it. But if she could have, she would have.
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You went up to her screaming and waving your arms and because that's how you scare bears off.
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That's not true. Also, you almost gave a heart attack almost. As you can see, you're changed to a wall.
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Pinky in the same room with my granny. Hello. I don't like this. Why is she handing me miniature faces of herself?
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Um, these are raisins. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, that was cold. I said I'm sorry. Now, you can either cut your old foot off or accept my granny's raisins.
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No, it's okay. I chewed through the chain. How? I I eat raw pasta all the time. This is nothing.
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Well, well, well. I've been expecting you agent. Sunglasses. Stevens. Right. Stevens with the sunglasses. Robert's with the patchy mustache. Marcus, write that down. I'm here to stop you from destroying the city. And I'm here not giving a Marcus.
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Do you see me giving a [ __ ] Do you see me handing out feces?
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No. And that's because I'm not right. What if I force you to deactivate all the bombs you placed all over the city?
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Uh-oh. How? They're all related. They're all related. HOW FUNNY IS THAT? WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT LOOK LOOK LOOK. And a one and a two. Has bombs just for fun. Now [singing] everybody's on the run.
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very quick. Oh, that was actually good. Oh, well, thank you. That's so nice. Now, speaking of bombs. Oh, they have already exploded. What? Yes. Just now during the musical number, they were on A TIMER.
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DAMN IT, I MISSED IT. WAIT, so the city IS DESTROYED? WHAT? OH, NO. NO, NO. The city is fine and everyone's alive and happy. Really? No, of course not. It exploded. Everyone's dead. What an idiot. Okay, you were off key.
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Oh, hey. Come on in. Come on in. What others? Oh, my friends. Yes, I have those. They're They're coming later.
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You're the first one here. What? My New Year's resolutions? I would say being less good in bed. I know. It's I'm just too big and it's intimidating and people don't want to sleep with me. Was your favorite part of 2022? Mine was and
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still is you. That was beautiful. Oh, it's nothing. It's just that my grandma died on New Year's Eve 2019.
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Thank you. She choked on my cousin's parent that flew into her mouth while she was giving a speech that was very sexist, homophobic, and racist. I was always very impressed by how she could be all those three things at the same
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time all the time. Do you mind saying a little prayer for my grandma? Yes. Thank you. Talk to the floor. She's probably in Mal. Would you mind holding me?
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Three two one. Woo! Happy New Year's. New Year's Curse. Who said that? I guess.
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WHAT A BEAUTIFUL VICTORIAN DAY TO GO HUNTING. DON'T YOU AGREE, PAPA? WHAT ARE WE GOING FOR TODAY, SON? Dear wildboard changes, SHOW YOUR REFERENCE image again. I must visualize it.
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[laughter] Put it away. IS IT COLD? [screaming] WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, PAPA?
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[gasps] [cough] They're easily identifiable when the sun rays hit their hair. Over yonder, a beautiful specimen.
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Nowhere, Cara. What did you say? It can't see us if we don't move. I'm not moving.
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You're talking as well. You can't see us. I can see you. It's testing us, Papa. Way to mimic the bushes moved by the wind.
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Yeah, I'm going to go. I don't know what it said, but it's turning around, SO SHOOT [laughter] IT BEFORE IT'S TOO FAR AWAY. SHOOT IT.
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GOODBYE, ALA. BULLSEYE. WOW, I'm such a great hunter. Now, go and cut it up and put it in my lunch container.
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[music] I don't know who you are. I'm Luigi. Ah, Luigi, HOW ARE YOU? DAD, PLEASE HELP. OH, RIGHT. Give me my daughter back. No. OKAY, THEN.
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NO, DAD. PLEASE. I uh I I have a very particular set of skills. Oh, like twirling pizza dough over your head to make it a Yes. That is very particular. Very impressive.
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Thank you. Oh, right. Uh if you let my daughter go now, that will be the end of it.
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Okay. Ah, so you're letting her go. No. Uh uh. Can you let her go a little bit?
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No. Just a little bit for me. No. Well, then you leave me no choice.
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[music] I will look for you. I will find you. What's your address? I'm not telling her. HE'S GOOD. DAD HELP.
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IF YOU DON'T LET HER GO, I WILL sneak pineapple on somebody's pizza. Did I struck an air? Yes.
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Oh, no. No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. No. No. You know what?
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Keep her. KEEP MY DAUGHTER. REALLY? DAD. KEEM. KEEM, this isn't about you. Tell her this is not ABOUT ME. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU, KEEM.
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IT'S NICE to finally be at the Quidditch World Cup. I mean, what could go wrong?
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Hi. Hi. Welcome students to a new year at Hogwarts. This year we'll be hosting some very interesting games where three wizards from three different schools will uh Albus I told you it's try wizard tournament not threesome.
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All right, now that we pulled all three names out of the goblet of Oh, there's a forome. A fourth one.
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Harry Potter. Harry, did you put your name into the Goblet of Fire? No, I swear I didn't. I What's that sound? That's just Elvis trying to kick the door down. What?
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Harry. Harry, did you come out? All right, champions. The first task will be dragons. What? No, don't worry about it. They haven't eaten in days, which means they're very hungry.
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That's not good. Harry, watch yourself on the stairs. It's a bit icy on top.
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Thanks. Hey, I just want to ask if you want to go to the U ball with me.
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Oh, I'm sorry. I'm already going with Cedric. Oh, cuz he's so hot and you are not.
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I got that part. All right, for the second task, we kidnap your friends and tie them under water. Go save them.
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Wait, what? More questions you ask water, they swallow. Your choice. All right, it's great to see that everybody passed the second task. Now it's the third task. [sighs] Let's go into the labyrinth. Wait, what? Go into the [ __ ] labyrinth. S, come on. Let's
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touch the cup together and win this thing. I'm a port key. Can I go home now? Okay, I'm getting really tired. So, skip to the end where where Guildmore starts groping Harry. I can touch you now.
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Come on, Cedric. Dance. Sylvia, wake up. Wake up, Sil. No, I am the ghost of Christmas past.
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No. Are you here to kill me? I am not here to kill. Here, let me show you your past Christmases. Oh my god, Sylvia, YOU NEED TO STOP CRASHING MY CHRISTMAS PARTIES NAKED. WHO GAVE HER THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER? OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY stop
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her. She's taken my dad. I don't know what that was. Where are you maybe trying to purposefully ruin?
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No, I mean I don't know which drug. Can I sleep now? Yes, but remember soon he will appear. I am the ghost of Christmas presents. I will now show you what your friends are saying right this second. I
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think Sylvia needs an intervention. She can't keep crashing Christmas parties naked. She still has my cat. Does she know we're having this one at your place? No, I didn't tell her. Nobody tell her. Please, Silia. No.
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See, I promise I won't crash any Christmas parties naked this year. I'm the ghost of Christmas future. She's lying.
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Damn it. Oh, please don't kill me. I haven't finished my Pilates class yet, and my body is snatched enough to die yet. Oh, you bastard.
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Well, I guess it's time to haunt Porter. [singing] Boobies. Your mother's breasts. I want to motorboat your mother's snake. ARE YOU A GIRL? Don't know. How did you die?
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Voldemort. But that's okay because it was all part of the plan. Everything I did was to protect you.
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Like when YOU BULLIED ME. I never I'm impressed. Oh, look at me. I'm impressed. I am an orphan. I forgot that the Owen Potter stands for orphan.
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I don't know. Are you an orphan? Yes. See, we both are flawed. I would run if I were you. Oh, I would run just as fast as Voldemort killed your parents.
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Your parents are dead, buddy. Oh, come on, Potter. That was all fun and games. I didn't think that was fun.
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Well, that's because you're a loser. LOSER. WHAT'S HAPPENING? As always, you still make my schmemickle prickle.
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Professor Sn, your mother and I are having a conversation. What? MY MOM. LET ME TALK TO HER. I WANT TO TALK TO HER, TOO. LET ME TALK TO HER.
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YOU'RE AN ORPHAN. ACT LIKE ONE. LILY, give me one night and I'll show you WHAT MAGIC REALLY IS.
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JAMES. OKAY, final offer. Three sons. E. LEAVE MY PARENTS ALONE. CAREFUL, RICKY. THE CONDENSATION. IT BURNS. THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S ACID. RICKY, YOU MUST BE CAREFUL WHEN THE FULL MOON'S OUT.
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MRS. CHADAM, HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE? I THREW A BRICK THROUGH YOUR WINDOW.
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RICKY, GET AWAY FROM ME. NO, I MUST WARN YOU. YES, ABOUT THE FULL MOON. I GOT IT.
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NO, THERE'S SEXUAL PREDATOR IN TOWN. It's me, Ricky. It's me. Oh no, it's Zane the bully.
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Hello guys, it's me, Zay the Bully. Are you guys secret mermaids? No. WELL, THEN WHO DO I SHOOT?
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YOU DON'T SHOOT NOBODY. NOBODY? WHAT IN THE AUSTRALIAN GUN LAWS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN NOBODY?
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WE'RE NO ordinary girls. We have many STDs right? Oh, no. I thought we had that IN COMMON.
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I FORGOT. I GOT IT FROM A PUFFER FISH. SORRY. WHAT'S YOUR POWER, BILL? I CAN TURN WATER into delay.
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THAT SOUNDS PATHETIC. I CAN ALSO CREATE BLOOD CLOTS. I killed [ __ ] We've got special power that we're not afraid to use.
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What is it? Tax fraud. [music] Harry Potter. I'm Dobby the house hop and I've come with a warning. You Is that off brand Yoda?
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Ew. Is that an orphan? Harry, we have to get to platform 9 to quarters before the train leaves.
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Welcome students to a new year at Haha. Car just crashed into that tree. What's it called? The one that only feeds on protein powder. Hello, Professor Lockhart. Harry Potter. Yes, I was told you'd be spending detention with me
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tonight. My eyes are up here. I know where your eyes are. I'll biscuit you here. You have to see this. The chamber of secrets has been I don't know who that stuff belongs to, but it's definitely not mine. I don't think that
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sort of chamber was meant. Albus. Albus, a monster is petrifying students left and right. I think we need to close the school. Yes, but not yet, cuz here he hasn't figured out the entrance to the chamber of secrets yet. Wait, what?
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What? Fast forward to when they figure out that the monster is a basilisk and where the entrance to the chamber of secrets is. The monster is a basilisk and I know where the entrance to the chamber of secrets is. Show off. I think
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you need to use paw tongue to open the chamber of secrets. Sangria. Oh, it worked. Nice. Okay, so I'm getting tired, so I must speed the summary up. Jenny, are you okay? Who are you? I'm Tom Riddle, aka Voldemort, and
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this is the Basilisk. I'm a snake. I'm a snake. Jenny, are you okay? It was my fault.
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What? I opened the Chamber of Secrets. Potter, Professor Snape, happy Christmas. I brought you biscuits. I don't trust it. What? Oh. Oh, you don't need to worry about that. That's just white frosting.
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Oh, what? Ew. No, that's not what I meant. I just meant I don't trust eating your cookies after all the pranks I pulled on you. What? What pranks? See, I've already forgotten. Have a listen.
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You eat ate one first. All right, here I go. Delicious. Still in your hand.
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But no, I ate Wow, I can't believe you're actually trying to poison me. No, I would never.
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What's in the cookies? It's um a French ingredient. You would know it. It's called um laxativ.
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Laxative. Professor Dumbledore. What is it? Harry Snape tried feeding me last time. No, you see I eat the biscuits. Seis can't wait to eat the delicious biscuit.
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Oh my god. No. Oh. Would you excuse me for just one second? Where you going? I'm late for uh yoga class.
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What? Yeah. And I promised the instructor I wouldn't be late again. And she's really hot. She reminds me of your mom, Harry.
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Stop. Her entire body is JUST OH NO. WHY DID I Oh no, I have failed. It has happened.
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Will Phil have to clean that up? Yes. Hurry. It's so slippery. I CAN'T GET UP. OH NO.
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Something got to my mouth. Damn it. You're Mr. Pusher. Mr. Snape Jesus Christ to death. Do you always have to scare me like that? You're outside of your common room at night, which is against the rules and you KNOW
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IT. 50 POINTS from Gryffid on a stick on a on a [ __ ] You need any help, Professor Snape?
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No, Fitch. Go your cat or whatever you do in your office. All right, message received. I'm leaving.
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He didn't He didn't deny it. Yes. That's because I was not guessing. Really? NOW BACK TO YOU. I'VE NEVER BEEN SO JEALOUS OF Arminist because he was blind.
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No, cuz he's dead. Has anybody seen my pretty misnourish? If I knew, I probably wouldn't tell you.
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Is it because I'm a squib? Because I cannot produce magic that you wizards treat me so.
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No, IT'S BECAUSE YOU CATS FACE. I'm tired of being disrespected like this. I'm off TELLING DUMBLEDORE.
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WHY AREN'T YOU DENYING IT? PLEASE DENY IT. Before I take even more points from Gryffindor, go back to your dormatory.
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Nope. Then I don't think I'll ever be coming out again. TV tbh. Hello and welcome to me staying at a hotel. Yes, because somebody burns the house down. How was I supposed to know that I can't use it inside the house?
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BECAUSE IT'S A FLAMING. SO, WHILE OUR house is being repaired and we figure out where to go, we're staying at this hotel. This room only has one bed. Yes, mine. And what am I supposed to sleep?
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You didn't book a room. I thought you did. Yes, for me. I book a room tomorrow, but I guess tonight we'll be sharing a bed.
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9 really quick. Why would you rather stay in here with me? Fair point. What?
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No, it's room service. Okay, come here. Fine, you can stay. Wow. What I do?
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At least this have somebody who values them. You have no one. Also, have dinner and you don't. All right. I'll be going to sleep. Don't you dare film me again if I start sleepalking. I won't.
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There are so many things that are better than the hanky panky. Like what? France gets a flaming. Oh no, grandma is burning. Okay, but if she doesn't smell like burnt, is she really burnt or just cooked?
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I've seen that kind of monster before. It's a ginger. Velvet's me. Ed Sheeran. Die.
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Oh god, sorry. You gave me quite a fright there. Jinkies. I'm in love with the shape of you. Push and pull.
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I KNEW IT WAS YOU. SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH SCOOBY. WHY? What happened? I don't know. We just gave him the gooey snacks and now he won't stop humping the couch.
Speaker A
No, those were my drinks. Flower baking soda. Velma, let's bake. Get baked. I lost my glasses again. Jinkies, I can't see.
Speaker A
Velma, stop groping me. Who is this? It's me, Ed. [music] Scooby. Now that we've caught you, let's see who's under that mask.
Speaker A
Ella's drug dealer. H Where are Fred and Daphne? Are they still in the van?
Speaker A
Daphne. FRED, COME ON. OH MY GOD. NO. I DIDN'T WANT TO [screaming] SEE THAT THE ONE TIME THAT THEY'RE WEARING GLASSES.
Speaker A
NO, I WANTED TO EAT THAT CUCUMBER FOR BREAKFAST. MINISTER, HE who must not be named is back. Okay, but do you have any proof? Yes, actually.
Speaker A
Welcome students to a new year at Hogwarts. This year's Defense Against Dark Guards teacher will be Professor [ __ ] I said what I said.
Speaker A
All right, class. I'm Professor Umbridge and we will not be needing wands for this course because I whoever threw the piece of paper will be scarred emotionally and physically.
Speaker A
Wait, what? I said want some tea. That's not what he said. Albus, why do you keep walking around with that plant?
Speaker A
No reason. Wait, is that Harry approaching us? Uh, yeah. Hello, Professor McGonogal. Hello plant.
Speaker A
Cuz we are going to build Dumbledore's army. Who's with me? [cough and clears throat] Is there going to be pizza?
Speaker A
Harry, you should put YOUR NAME INTO THE GOBLET OF FIRE. NO. AND THAT WAS LAST YEAR.
Speaker A
I'm sorry, Harry. I think I had a bad dream. That's okay. Guys, we have to go to the ministry and save Sirius.
Speaker A
Okay, but what if we first lure Umbrage into the forbidden forest and let her be eaten by any creature we come across?
Speaker A
Lying. Sirius. Sirius, where are Lucy Malfoy? Can I tell him? Yeah. Okay, tell them.
Speaker A
Okay, so Sirius isn't actually here. We just make you think he uses that you would come here.
Speaker A
Serious. Come on. Kill Bellatrix. In the [music and singing] arms of the What is happening in my Ministry of Magic? Oh, it's just Dumbledore. Freddy Fold.
Speaker A
So, this is what it feels like to be a vampire. What do you guys do all day? We run.
Speaker A
Okay. Let's do that then. Oh, why didn't the creepy ass beat it with a stick? Throw it into a fire.
Speaker A
Oh, that's your baby. Oh, she's beautiful. You really don't want to know what Jacob did with your baby. You're making it sound like he did something inappropriate. No, not yet.
Speaker A
Jacob, you imprinted on my daughter. This ought to be good. No, it's not. He basically said he wants to do her as soon as it's legal. Is this not Am I the only one who thinks this is sick? Do you guys do this often?
Speaker A
No, listen. I didn't mean this to happen with Nessie. I know. Dude, you you don't get to nickname a child. You nasty, nasty, horny, creepy dog. Just had a vision.
Speaker A
The Vuris are coming to kill Reneesme kind of name. Anyways, you still got time cuz I still got to get here from Italy. And do they dress like that in the plane, too? Or do they get the capes
Speaker A
ready before attacking us? See, this is what the visions don't show me. There's only one thing we can do. Vampires [music] assemble. Bro, you got to call them first. The vouries are coming.
Speaker A
Alice, stop. I'm back. Arrow. Let me show you a vision of what's going to happen if we start fighting.
Speaker A
I will never learn how to twerk. N wrong vision. Sorry again. That's right. Retreat. But no butts. He said but. No law was broken. So we're leaving.
Speaker A
[music] Seers, please watch over my son, Draco. I could try our sister, but you need to know that in order to do that, I will have to be very close to yourself.
Speaker A
Anything inappropriately close, but like close enough to smell his hair. Your call. Hey, Horus, you want to come to Hogwarts and be the new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher? I said no, Albus. You sure I brought Harry? Say hi, Harry.
Speaker A
Hi. Wait, the real Harry with the scar and everything and soft skin. Yeah. So, you're in? Of course, I could add him to my collection.
Speaker A
Sure, I can taxi derby him and everything. Rush, right, Harry? Since you're the only one who got the potion right, you'll win this bottle of liquid luck.
Speaker A
This just says tequila on the back. So you don't want it. Oh no, I do. That's what I bought. I really like your house, Ron. Oh, thank you. Too bad it's on fire. WAIT, WHAT? OH MY. Does this hurt
Speaker A
the chicken? Skip to when Dumbledore and Harry go on an adventure together. Hi, I'm a zombie, but they call us in for eye. I am unwell. Skip to when they get back to the castle. Draco, you're not a
Speaker A
murderer. You don't understand. I have to kill you, but I can't. [ __ ] [clears throat] Oh my god. Santa's dead. That's not Santa. That's Dumbledore.
Speaker A
Oh, okay. Oh my god. Professor Dumbledore. Harry. Yes. Did you put your egg? I didn't put my [ __ ] septum separate.
Speaker A
You dare use my own spells against me, Potter? Yes. I am the half blood prince.
Speaker A
Now, if you'll excuse me. Ouchy. Oh, ouch. Oh, ouchy. It's my shin. My shin hit the stone. Also, could you check? Is it bad? Are you wearing heels?
Speaker A
How do you think I keep falling over? I just thought you were an idiot. Not an idiot in heels. Don't you speak to me THAT WAY. I'M A PROFESSOR. HUG. I can see right off your bro. Oops. Sorry.
Speaker A
Your mother would have paid to see this, by the way. I think she would have rather begged Voldemort to kill her twice. Anyways, I'm good again. WAIT, NO. YOU KILLED DUMBLEDORE. I will make you pay for this. Oh. Oh, no. Uh, cash
Speaker A
or card. Oh, here. Have all the I've got. Oh. Oh, no. I'm out. You're as transparent as the thin layer of will to live that I have left. Now go back to the castle before [ __ ] gets
Speaker A
ugly. Oh, it's my other [ __ ] But could you please check it? Just just just lift my robe tag. Yeah, you're right. I'm just going to head back. But no, please.
Speaker A
I'm scared and lonely. I'm scared and cold. Do you trust me? I trust you like I trusted my mother before she went to get. We had tomatoes growing in the garden. Last time I checked, we were on the ship that doesn't sink, not on the
Speaker A
ship with the people who asked Rosa. Oh, I'm I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What I meant to say was just close your eyes and spread your arms like Ju. The last guy I did this with stole my wallet. He looked
Speaker A
exactly like you, only he had a drawn on mustache. No way. Oh, that's okay. He was very bad in bed and his spaghetti kept falling off the fork because he didn't know HOW TO TWIST.
Speaker A
I KNOW HOW TO TWIST. My hand was just hurting from all the push-ups I do every day. Oh, dear. It was you. No. Then what is that? My hand. The thing in your hand. You mean uh this?
Speaker A
You dropped my wallet. Okay, listen. Rosa, let's try again. Let's try again. I I promise this time I won't try to steal anything. Or maybe unsinkable ship. See, iceberg ahead. Damn it, guys. I told you not to jinx the ship. Also, calling it
Speaker A
unsinkable didn't do us any favors. Jack, he's stole my backup wallet. Poppy, get your gun again. Somebody owes us money.
Speaker A
[music] [singing] Simba, we're all connected in the circle of life. When we die, we become the grass and the antelopes eat the grass and we eat the antelope. You could basically say you are what you eat, which is why I'm both your dad and your
Speaker A
mom. [screaming] Help me. Long live the king. King. Who's that? Me, right? Should have introduced democracy.
Speaker A
Dad, wake up. Oh, hi dodgy uncle that never seemed to like my dad and always wanted to take his place and be king. Do you know what happened? He fell. Oh, fair enough. Oh. Uh, and also you need to leave. Okay.
Speaker A
Well, that was easy. Fast forward to when Simba is all grown up in the jungle. Oh, Nala. Simba, is it really you? Yeah.
Speaker A
Smash. Oh, team on Pumba. I got to head back home. I talked to Daddy and this guy who told me to remember who I am.
Speaker A
And my halfs sister grew up to be really hot. So [music] Scar, your reign is over. No. Oh. Well, crap.
Speaker A
Right. So Scar is dead now and I'm king. So you know what that means?
Speaker A
Epic walk up the rock. Epic walk up the rock. [music] [music] [music] Michael, look. What is it?
Speaker A
Perhaps it's a witch. Hey, who are you calling a witch? You be Hello, I am the new hen.
Speaker A
And what are your qualifications? I bake a mean lemonello. Also, I am an alcoholic. I never overcook pasta, but I do drink a lot. These right here are my children. You have beautiful four children. I only have two.
Speaker A
Oh, yes. Two. Two. That's what I said. Two. Let's see what's in my magic infinity bag.
Speaker A
Or discipline. Now, what else? OH, IT'S MY EX-HUSBAND. JRO. AH, LOOK. I got a plate. Just a spoonful of oregano. No.
Speaker A
Hey, I don't like the taste of oregano. Oh, no. Don't worry. I'm not going to taste anything. This goes in your ass.
Speaker A
Super Cali. Mary Poppins. What does that word mean? Super Cali. Super Cali bread. It is the password to my secret club.
Speaker A
What club, Mary Poppins? It's a club where we lend people money and if they can't give it back to us, we You punish them.
Speaker A
Yes. [music] A party, you say? Well, I am sorry, John, but the only parties I like are the ones I vote. Oh, would you look at that? I have received a paper message and paper.
Speaker A
Ah, yeah. Sorry, but I have to taxes. But when I am done with taxes, we can together mortgages. Oh, honey. H, have you have you seen my mortgages? Honey, I can't find my mortgages.
Speaker A
Ah, yes. Uh, inflation. I'm really not happy with you. Inflation. I know, John. It's terrible. I know. I really am not happy with politics. So, I will call president.
Speaker A
Hello, president. Mhm. Yeah. Yes. But I just don't like it. Good day to you.
Speaker A
Water. I can't wait to drink this with my hummus. M h yes A GLASS. MY WEAPON IS READY. Kind of looks LIKE A BUT WHAT? NO IT DOES. NO IT DOESN'T MARCUS. DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING? I was just saying.
Speaker A
How about you just stop breathing? You waste of oxygen. What does it even do? IMPREGNATE PEOPLE.
Speaker A
NO, MARCUS. THIS IS a laser gun that when hit people would have no other choice but TO DO MY BIDDING. WATCH.
Speaker A
EW. That alone can't be legal. AND NOW, OH NO, IT'S THE city's superhero markers. I keep forgetting they have voice. And I know that thing out there is some sort of laser gun, but that's not even why I'm here. I'm here cuz I
Speaker A
can't allow public display OF OBSCENE MATERIAL. NO, IT'S NOT. YEAH, it's a Oh my god, STOP SAYING THAT. WHAT? OH, HELLO. HEY, GET rid of it OR I WILL. DON'T YOU DARE DESTROY MY enforcement neutrally influenced super gun. OKAY, WATCH ME. NO, COME BACK.
Speaker A
You win. Or at least that's what I would say if I didn't have a mini version of the cyclronic enforcement neutral influence super gun in my pocket right now. I forgot my aim is Marcus. You do it. Yeah, I'm not touching that. Marcus,
Speaker A
THERE'S NO TIME FOR JOKES. TAKE THE GUN AND SHOOT HER. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO make it vain? That's just the wires. Marcus, just take it. Has bows. It's just the laser ammo sacks with fur. Marcus, just take Why fur? Cuz I heard it's trendy.
Speaker A
Marcus on jackets. It's not Pshaped gun. Okay, stop saying that word. You're making me very uncomfortable. Now, take the gun. Take the gun.
Speaker A
But I am leaving for India. And it is not far enough. Do you think that there is a corner of this earth that you could travel to far away enough to free me from this torment?
Speaker A
I am a gentleman. We will each transform into Harry so that the death eaters won't know which one to attack and we can move Harry safely. But how are you going to do that?
Speaker A
My parents are dead. Oh, she's dead. IT'S LIKE I'M SEEING TWO HAIRS. I know, right?
Speaker A
Wow. Woo. The ministry has fallen. That's not a good thing. We need to get that locket. We need to destroy that horcrux. [ __ ] Ron! All right, Ron, can you carry the locket now? Please be careful. Don't worry about it. It's not
Speaker A
like it's going to affect my mood or anything. Hermione, I hope your cat dies. All right, I have to keep watch and protect this tent and Hermione with my life and not follow that sparkly dough into the woods,
Speaker A
which probably has sparkly meat. Harry, Hermione, Ron, I'm so sorry I left, but I promise I'll never leave again. You are gone. All right, guys. We made it.
Speaker A
We found Gryffindor's sword and destroyed the whorecrux. [ __ ] STOP! You three, we're snatchers and we're kidnapping you. Is that a threat or a promise?
Speaker A
I don't know, Bob. Sorry. You have to come with us. Where are we? You are now prisoners in Malfoy Manor. Can we just evaporate?
Speaker A
Well, yes, but well, you're not allowed to. Damn it, Toby. Harry Potter. They stabbed you right before we left.
Speaker A
Yeah, I can feel it. Please [snorts] don't die. How do you expect me to survive in these conditions?
Speaker A
I love you. Oh, Roach. Hello. It is I show you and I am a creature of the night and my hers are like scaring people.
Speaker A
And so you live in this enormous castle which is pretty Thank you. moldy. You should probably open windows more often.
Speaker A
Tell you about that. That's fine. So you haven't always been a vampire. How did it happen?
Speaker A
Well, I was I was quite young and in a forest. So you're like a bajillion years old.
Speaker A
You could say so. Yes. Also, I sparkle when I'm in the sun. Okay. And that was the vampire who turned you.
Speaker A
Oh, no. That was our local pedophile. It happened right after that when I was attacked by a swarm of bats and I ate one by mistake. Okay. Next question.
Speaker A
What's the coolest thing you get to do as a vampire? Oh, that one's easy. I can turn into a bat and fly around as much as I want, but I usually do it to avoid confrontation. Excuse me, we're closing
Speaker A
soon. I'm going to have to ask you to pay for that meal. Excuse me, you can't park here. As your landlord, I have to ask you to air out the castle a bit more or it's going to get all moldy.
Speaker A
Yes, I found out it doesn't work if I'm talking to ugly people. Watch this.
Speaker A
See nothing. So, if a wooden steak goes through your heart, you die. Who the doesn't? All right. Hey guys. So today I was out picking flowers and a huntsman came up to me and told me that the queen
Speaker A
[music] wanted to kill me cuz she's uglier than I am. So I had to run away and I was like it's giving desperate. As I was running I thought to myself like if somebody were prettier than me I
Speaker A
would also like them to choke on a poison fruit or something [music] and die. So then I found a tiny house for either children or tiny people. So I broke into it and filled it with wild animals. I then found a room with eight
Speaker A
beds and I thought I'd get some sleep. But then I woke up to eight tiny [music] people staring at me and was super creepy if you ask me. Absolutely traumatizing. We then partied a little and it was fun until I stepped on one
Speaker A
[music] of them by mistake. He died instantly and it was like super sad like rip and stuff. We buried the body and it's fine. Like there are seven [music] left. I don't think anyone's ever going to notice. Later an ugly old person came
Speaker A
by, gave me this apple, and I only managed to say [music] this tastes like [ __ ] before I die. I told Grumpy to vlog for me in case anything ever happened like [music] death or something like that. Oh my god, Grumpy. I'm alive again
Speaker A
cuz this old guy stuck his tongue down my throat. Oh my god, we're getting married. Hi, I'm Leila. I'm a kindergarten teacher and my hobbies are painting gardening and hamsters right here. Thank you. Hello there. I'm Bob and I can't wait to show
Speaker A
you what these hands are capable of. [laughter] My wife and children are watching as well. Hi guys. You're going to see daddy eat some cake today.
Speaker A
Welcome everybody to the five-star deluxe villa with a huge pool and a bar and a dance floor and everything you could wish for. The only thing is you can't [ __ ] what?
Speaker A
What? But but what about my libido? Yeah, what about my lia? So Chad, what do you do in your free time?
Speaker A
I don't know. Probably off or something. Um, excuse you. My boobs are down here.
Speaker A
Oh my god, I'm so sorry. Yo, mom, the new season came out. You can watch the show now.
Speaker A
Oh boy, I can't wait to see you on TV, Chatty Boy. I'll watch it right now.
Speaker A
All right, cool. Yo, what's up? I'm Chad. What's your name? I'm Samantha. Nice to meet you, but it would be nicer to you.
Speaker A
I stole this corn cup from lunch. How about we Yeah, I would love to buy Oh my god, look at all these beautiful seashells I found.
Speaker A
Oh, I sure like these seashells. I usually use them to You keep driving straight ahead. Why are you not driving? What are you doing?
Speaker A
Cuz there's a red light. Red light. Red smite. Where I come from, red light is merely a suggestion.
Speaker A
Ah, no. You don't need music when you have me. What do you mean? I saw the sign that the pizza was open.
Speaker A
I saw the SIGN TO THE LEFT. To the left. Oh, not you, stupid. I was singing that song from Be John. How do you not know B Johnson? Everybody knows B Johnson. You have arrived at your destination.
Speaker A
Is this a pizza place? See, Amika Mia, the best in town. Wait, this isn't the address I put in.
Speaker A
This is the address for Pizzeria Mama Mia again. Best pizza in town. I'm supposed to be at a job interview in 5 minutes.
Speaker A
Hey, job interview. Oh my god. Not now. Welcome to Jurassic Park. You did it, you crazy son of a [ __ ] The cages containing the dinosaurs are like super strong. I mean, I would hope so. That would be very poor planning and
Speaker A
constructing. Agreed. The cages are just as unbreakable as the Titanic was unsinkable. All right. Wait, what?
Speaker A
T-Rex got out. Dang it. The T-Rex got out again. Well, how did we get the last one back into its cage?
Speaker A
We didn't. The T-Rex HAS GOT ME. OH NO. Irrelevant side character. My name's Thomas. When?
Speaker A
When? What did I ask? I think that's it. I think I summarized all the Jurassic PARK MOVIES.
Speaker A
HI, WHAT'S THE PERFECT COSTUME FOR [screaming] OUR HALLOWEEN? OH, NICE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHOW IT TO ME?
Speaker A
OKAY, BUT BE WARNED. IT'S VERY FRIGHTENING AND NAUSEA INDUCING. I use a son. I'm used to THAT FEELING.
Speaker A
I TELL YOU HEADED RIGHT HERE AND NOW IF I DIDN'T HAVE A COSTUME TO SHOW YOU.
Speaker A
ALL RIGHT, THEN. CLOSE YOUR EYES. YOU CAN OPEN THEM NOW. [screaming] I'M A FILTHY GINGER.
Speaker A
HOW DID YOU GET INTO OUR PROPERTY? YOU FILTHY GINGER. NO, PAPA. IT'S ME. THERE'S TWO OF MY SON.
Speaker A
SAVE IT. NO WAY. PAPA, THIS IS MY COSTUME. THE GINGER KILLED MY SON K'S FACE AND IS WEARING IT TO CONFUSE ME REGARDS.
Speaker A
[screaming] SEASON IT. NO WAY. WAIT. OH, GOODNESS GRACIOUS. I MUST BE REALLY GOOD AT MAKING COSTUMES FOR HIM to not recognize me. Although he was always very allergic to intelligence.
Speaker A
No, THAT'S NOT MY SON, CAESAR. NO WAY. YOU'RE PAYING ATTENTION TO SMELL. I'VE never been in THE DUNGEONS BEFORE.
Speaker A
WELL, IT'S WHERE YOU BELONG, GINGER. This is where we keep our servants. I WANT A CHALKY MILK.
Speaker A
YOU DON'T GET DRINKS. YOU ONLY GET WATER WHEN IT RAINS. ONE OF THE many rules my son set up for the gingers when he was still with us. Bless him. OH, BUT I AM REGRETTABLY YOUR SON. NOW LET
Speaker A
ME OUT SO I CAN [screaming] DECAPITATE YOU. NO. DANG IS GONE. NOW, if you'll excuse me, I'll go lounge in my deceased son's VICTORIAN ERA ADAPTED JACUZZI.
Speaker A
NO, DON'T TOUCH MY JACUZZI [screaming] OR YOU TURN INTO A RACING. YOU KNOW WHAT? BEFORE I GO, I THINK I'LL RELOCATE YOU.
Speaker A
OH, FINALLY. I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE AND THROW STONES AT SOMETIMES. I GET TWO IN ONE STONE.
Speaker A
[screaming] HOW MANY GIRLS DO YOU know actually have hobbies? I have many hobbies. One is um cooking.
Speaker A
I love cooking but not too complicated stuff cuz um that's what chefs do and chefs are men. I try to stick to more simpler stuff like um soup. What else do I like? Oh my god, I love washing the dishes. I don't know
Speaker A
why, but it's just so relaxing and I don't have to do a lot of um thinking. I don't really like thinking because every time I do, my head starts hurting like right here. And the doctor said it's because my brain can't
Speaker A
simultaneously make me breathe and think at the same time. So, I try to think as least as pos as little as as less as possible.
Speaker A
Oh, [snorts] there it is. Ouchie. Another hobby I have is finding a man that I can rely on and a man that can give me uh 10 to 30 kids. I believe in living uh in the way my body was
Speaker A
designed to live. So basically have babies, raise them, and then die. Yeah, I'll stop talking now. I've done enough of that for the week. Um now I'll be off to having a menopause and then I'll do a period. M the body is still
Speaker A
warm. You know what that means? As long as you didn't die. Yeah. So that's I want to say by hitting yourself.
Speaker A
Why you hitting yourself? S. Stop playing with the victim. S. Has anybody seen the knife that was stuck in the victim's body?
Speaker A
All right. It's okay. I put it back. That's not where the knife was. Was it here?
Speaker A
No. Silia, was it here? Stop stabbing the body. Somebody still needs to tell the victim's family what happened.
Speaker A
I'll do it. Trust me. I'm a trained professional. [bell] Hello, WIFE AND CHILDREN. GOOD NEWS, I DID NOT GO GET SOME MILK. BAD NEWS, I'm dead.
Speaker A
I'm done. What took you so long? You were gone for a week. [music] [music] And where is he now?
Speaker A
It sucks that the entire Fire Nation is looking for me. Yeah. And the fact that it's because you're a registered the Avatar. Yes.
Speaker A
Yes. Avatar. Look, this is my sky bison aa. He eats people. What I mean children. Hey. He eats hay.
Speaker A
Speak her out. Tara, look. Not only can I bend all the elements, but I can also bend limbs. Oh my god. Ang, pull your pants up. My girlfriend turned into the moon. That's why I'd be looking extra thick tonight.
Speaker A
I don't want to. But Prince Zuko, you have to capture the Avatar to regain your honor.
Speaker A
But I'm scared. Look guys, I learned how to bend rocks into He's here. He has a lot to learn before he's ready to save anyone. But I believe Ang can save the world.
Speaker A
Lord Ozai can get it. How long until we arrive? Um, about 4 hours. I'm gonna put on some music. So we know [music] [music] how are the dementors not affecting you?
Speaker A
Because there's nothing for us to feed on. That's not good. Yeah, I know. Is it true that you fainted, Porter?
Speaker A
Joking. I'm just quoting Malfoy. He's selling the entire train. Who told him? I told him.
Speaker A
Here, Harry, have some ch Oh, I could have sworn I had some chocolate with me.
Speaker A
Has anybody taken my chocolate? It is very important that I give it to Harry.
Speaker A
Has anybody Oh, best trade rat ever, Mr. Dementor. High five. [snorts] Where's it, Sticky? What did you do?
Speaker A
All right, countries. How many World Cup trophies have you won? With Messi on your team, it doesn't seem like you'll be winning any international trophies soon. Well, at least we've been in a World Cup final. that that we shanked.
Speaker A
But you've never even been in a final before. Yeah. Yeah, true. They had to cancel two World Cups over a war we started. We have five. I'm telling you, it's way too easy out here. Remember back in 2014?
Speaker A
You know what? I'm not even going to explain it. Remember these numbers? I swear if you bring that up one more time.
Speaker A
Hey, can I come over? I'm actually not home right now. I'm on my way to put my dog down. Oh, are you going to the vet?
Speaker A
Okay, I'll meet you there. Wait, why? I'm literally putting my dog down. Yeah, I know. I need to say goodbye to him. He was like a part of my family, too. I have a doctor's appointment in like half
Speaker A
an hour. Are you going to stay at my house or go home? What do you want to do? Oh, no. That's okay. I was actually thinking of coming with you to my doctor's appointment. Yeah. I have a really weird rash on my leg. I kind of
Speaker A
want the doctor to look at it and see what's wrong with it. Maybe he can like prescribe me an ointment or something.
Speaker A
Okay, I'm going to the gym. See you. Wait for me. I'll come with you. You hate the gym. Why would you come? Cuz there's so many hot guys there. Why wouldn't I come? Can I borrow a workout set from you? I'm going to the bathroom.
Speaker A
I'll be right back. Okay, I'll come with you. I have to pee. I need to go to the mall and return these pants. Okay, I can come with you if you want. Yeah, I mean, sure, but don't you hate the mall? Yeah,
Speaker A
I can just sit in the car and listen to music. Okay, bye. I'm going on a date.
Speaker A
I'll tell you all about it later. Do you want me to come with you? I could just hide in your trunk. You're going to hide in the trunk the entire time? What if it's like 2 hours or something? Yeah.
Speaker A
No, it's fine. I'll just bring like a pillow, uh, blanket. My phone is fully charged. I'll bring snacks, an oxygen tank. Take your time. We need to hang out. I feel like I haven't seen you in so long. I know. Oh, I miss you. Let's
Speaker A
do something this weekend. Oo, I can't this weekend. I have a thing. What about next weekend? I can't next weekend. I have a thing. What about the weekend of the 27th? Can you do that? I can't do the 27th, but I can do the following
Speaker A
Monday. I'm free. I'm off work that day. Ooh, I can't do that Monday. Mm- I have a dentist appointment at 10:00 in the morning. Okay, that's fine. What about after your appointment? M. No, cuz then my teeth are going to be like freshly
Speaker A
cleaned and I probably won't want to like eat or drink anything for a few hours. Um, yeah. Bless you. Yeah, probably not a good idea. Okay. Okay. How about um let's see my schedule. I am also free December
Speaker A
7th. How does that work for you? Yeah. No, that's not going to work. I have a thing that day. How about February 17th, 2025? Do you need a ride tonight? No, I'm actually good. I think I'll just Uber. No, I insist. Let me give you a
Speaker A
ride. I'm not going to be drinking tonight, so I'm just going to DD. You can just ride with me. I mean, are you sure? Do you want me to like give you gas money or something? No, no, no.
Speaker A
You're fine. My parents actually just filled my tank, so you're good. I'll just take you for free. Okay, cool.
Speaker A
Sounds good. So, actually, after further consideration I um I don't know how to like ask this without being weird, but do you mind just like Venmoing me um some money for gas because, you know, I took you and it
Speaker A
kind of took a lot of gas. So, if you could just like Venmo me back that money, that would be great. Okay. Um yeah, no, that's fine. I get it. How much do you want me to Venmo you? Well,
Speaker A
we only use like a quarter tank of gas, but honestly, if you want to just like Venmo me for half a tank, that would be even better. Just like as a courtesy because I offered to take you. Didn't
Speaker A
you say that your parents filled your tank? So, I'm just paying interest. Technically, that's what this is. My Venmo is Good evening, young lady. You are looking absolutely exquisite tonight. Yo, shorty, you bad. What's good? Will you please grant me the honor
Speaker A
of taking you out on a date? Yo, you trying to chill in my car and vibe? We can sash, vibe out, listen to some music, and then hit up the back seat.
Speaker A
What do you think of that? You down or what? I can come pick you up around 7:30, my love, and I can bring you back home around 9:30. Does that work with you? So, what time you trying to chill?
Speaker A
I was thinking about 12, like 12:00 a.m. Is that good with you? All right, bet. I believe no lady should ever have to pay for her own food or open her own door.
Speaker A
So, don't even bring your wallet. You're hungry? Okay, let's go to McDonald's. You got gas money, though? Also, I didn't bring my wallet, so you have to pay for me, and I won't pay you back.
Speaker A
Thank you so much for giving me the time of day. I had such an incredible time with you. I can't wait to see you again.
Speaker A
I'll walk you to your door. All right. Peace. And don't forget to Venmo me $10 for gas money.
Speaker A
So, do you want to hang out tomorrow after school? No, I can't. I have a job.
Speaker A
Don't you have a job? No. My parents said I'm not allowed to get a job until I'm like 18. What? Why?
Speaker A
I don't know. Cuz my mom thinks that I'm going to be an adult when I'm 18. That's so not fair. Your parents are literally raising you to be a spoiled brat. Like, why would you want to be spoiled when
Speaker A
you could just go and get a job and be independent? How do you always have money then? Your parents just give it to you? No.
Speaker A
Well, technically, yeah, but I have to do chores around the house. They don't just give it to me. Chores? That doesn't even count. They're basically just giving you money. That's going to make you spoiled. You're always going to
Speaker A
depend on your parents. I think you should get a job. I don't know. I don't really want to.
Speaker A
See, you're already turning into a spoiled brat. Dude, I just turned 16. Like, what? I'll get a job when I turn 18. It's not that big of a deal. They want me to focus on school. Well, I can
Speaker A
still focus on school. My parents made me go to work. Okay, well that sucks.
Speaker A
I'm sorry. Oh, I hate you. Lily, is your mom still taking us to the mall tomorrow? Yeah, of course. She had to work, but I made her call off because this is way more important. Okay, good.
Speaker A
How much money did she give you? My mom gave me 100 and then I made my dad give me 40. So, 140. How about you? Lucky. My mom only gave me 100. That's okay. That can still buy you like two things from Junk
Speaker A
Elephant. I know, but I wanted the Boom Boom Cream, too. And I wanted a new pair of Lulu's cuz for Christmas, my mom got me a purple pair when I specifically asked for pink. Like, she doesn't even care about me. I swear. No, literally
Speaker A
the same thing happened to me. I asked for a pink scuba and they got me a white one. Like, what a joke. At least you got a Stanley. My parents got me a freaking Hydro Flask. Like, what am I, five? But
Speaker A
it's fine cuz they said they were going to return it because I completely stopped drinking water to teach them a lesson. Like seriously, I'm not going to drink water unless it's out of a Stanley. E, I know. Wait, did you not
Speaker A
invite Jessica to your get together on Saturday? No, me and Jessica aren't friends anymore, actually. Yeah, screw her. What? No way. What are you talking about? Why aren't you guys friends? You guys have been friends for like 5 years.
Speaker A
What happened? I don't know. I just think she's fake. She's just really fake. really fake and envious. So, stopped being friends with her because she's fake. So, why is she fake? What did you guys get into a fight over? She
Speaker A
just did me really dirty. She just did some really dirty, heinous stuff. So, she's not my friend anymore. Period. End of story.
Speaker A
Okay, fine. I'll tell you. So, basically, she hasn't been liking any of my Instagram posts for like two months now. She just like secretly doesn't like them. She comments on them, but she doesn't like them.
Speaker A
That's it? What do you mean that's it? That's insane. What kind of sicko does that? Obviously a fake friend. How you going to not like my IG pics? Like seriously, do you even care about me?
Speaker A
Yeah, just cut off. Done. No more Jessica. Bye-bye, Jessica. You're insane. You cut off your friend over that. Wait, sorry. How old are you? Oh, I'm 23. How about you? Oh. Oh my goodness. 23. little baby. H adorable.
Speaker A
Yeah, I remember when I was 23. Time really flies. I swear. Like one blink and you're an old grandma just like me. It's crazy. How precious. You need to enjoy it. Oh yeah. Um so I assume you must be a lot older. Yeah,
Speaker A
I'm 24. What? I'm 24. No, I heard you. I just assumed that you were a lot older because you were making it seem like I'm such a baby. You are such a little baby. Yeah, you're such a tiny little weeny baby.
Speaker A
How adorable. 23. Your frontal lobe isn't even fully developed. It's adorable. Neither is yours, right?
Speaker A
I know this is only our second date, but I feel like we should have a chat about what we're looking for, what our intentions are. It's a great idea. I feel like that's really beneficial so we don't waste each other's time. So, tell
Speaker A
me, what are you looking for? Well, me personally, I definitely want to settle down. I'm really interested in being exclusive and committed to only one person, and I'm looking for someone that shares the same intentions as me. Yeah,
Speaker A
I couldn't agree more. I'm looking for all of those things as well. I feel like we should definitely move forward and become exclusive. Okay, great. I didn't expect it to be that easy to talk about.
Speaker A
I'm so glad we're on the same page. Hey, can I talk to you about something? Yeah, sure. What is it? Well, you know that talk that we had a little over a month ago about what our intentions are, what
Speaker A
we're looking for. Yeah. Well, I just wanted to come forward and be honest with you that I'm actually not looking for any of those things. I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship. I feel like the weight of that on my
Speaker A
shoulders is way too much for me right now. I really just want to focus on myself, but we should definitely stay friends and keep doing all the things that we were doing, just without the title. I feel like the title kind of
Speaker A
weighs a lot. Are you still okay with that? Babe, what are you still doing in bed? You got home from work like 15 minutes ago. When are you going to get started on dinner? I'm starving. Yeah, I'll get started on dinner in just a
Speaker A
sec. Um, I just wanted to talk to you about something. [snorts] What is it?
Speaker A
Well, my friend Lily said that she was scrolling on a dating app and she saw your profile picture pop up. Babe, it's an old account. I just forgot to deactivate it. Right. And that would have been a perfectly good excuse until
Speaker A
she told me that you swiped right on her and you messaged her. [snorts] Babe. Babe. Seriously, you're going to believe her? Babe, she's lying. She's a home wrecker. She's just trying to break us up. She's jealous of you. She's just
Speaker A
trying to break us up, babe. Seriously, like, believe. And maybe I would have been able to believe that for a split second until my friend Amanda reached out to me. Yeah. She sent me a screenshot of your dating app profile
Speaker A
asking her out on a date. Care to explain? What? What? Babe, they're liars. Did you do your makeup differently today? It actually surprisingly looks really good. Oh, thanks. No, I actually just got back from the gym. Oh my god. I
Speaker A
was wondering what that horrible smell was. Okay, that makes sense now. But yeah, your makeup looks really good. You can't even see any of your acne scars or pimples. I love that hairstyle on you.
Speaker A
It looks a lot better than how you normally do it. Really? I didn't even do anything with my hair. I just showered and it air dried. Yeah, it looks a lot better when you don't put any effort into it. Normally, when you style your
Speaker A
hair, you use way too much product and it looks so greasy and oily that you could ring it out and probably fry some chicken with the amount of oil that comes out. It looks good that way, though. Oh my god, you finally got your
Speaker A
nails done. Let me see. Oh wow, this is a very interesting design. Yeah, I normally wouldn't get it, but this is definitely you. This is such a you type of thing to do. Mhm. I love it. Also, I
Speaker A
love the way that you dress. It's like so unique, and you know, I don't even care what anyone says about you or your outfits. I love them. I really do.
Speaker A
They're like definitely one of a kind. No one else dresses like you. While you were in the bathroom, your phone lit up and it was a notification from a dating app. We've been dating for 2 years. Do you want to explain why you have a
Speaker A
dating app downloaded on your phone? Number one, why are you going through my phone? That's a major invasion of my privacy. And number two, why don't you trust me? A relationship is nothing without trust. So, if you're trying to
Speaker A
accuse me of something, just say that now and we'll be done. I'm kind of confused now because all I did was ask you why you downloaded a dating app while we are dating.
Speaker A
I'm not accusing you of anything. I'm simply asking you why. Well, answer my question first. Why are you going through my phone? I wasn't. You left your phone on the bed and it lit up, so I looked over. Okay, that's fair. That's
Speaker A
my fault for leaving my phone unattended. As for the dating app though, the only reason I downloaded it was to make new friends. That's all.
Speaker A
All right, countries. What was the lowest temperature ever recorded in your country? Now, I tell you, we have some really cold weather. With your coldest temperature being that, we know that's a lie. Come on. -31° C. You guys probably
Speaker A
don't understand how cold that is. Oh, trust me, I understand. Our coldest temperature was twice that of yours.
Speaker A
Yeah, our coldest temperatures around there. You know what? Where's Russia? Why are we in black and white? It was a stylistic choice. You can't just do that for no reason. It has to mean or represent something. It does represent
Speaker A
something. So tell me. Well, I can't say it's a secret. Just tell me. Fine. The black and white represents a secret being held from one of the characters.
Speaker A
So why are we still in black and white? That's a good question. Unless you have a secret you're not telling me. Okay, fine. My secret is that I'm color blind.
Speaker A
So am I. We both said our secrets. Why are we still in black and white? I don't know. What else is there left to do? Do you believe in free will? Well, it depends. What did Will do? No. Like, do
Speaker A
you think we can actually influence the future or are we just experiencing some pre-written narrative? Oh, I think it's pre-written. Well, I beg to differ. And you always will. Well, how do you know that? Listen, there's no point arguing.
Speaker A
Everything is predetermined. So, you can't change my mind. Well, yeah, that's what I'm arguing against. I'm not doing this. This is a waste of time. But if everything is predetermined, then it's impossible to waste time. True enough, but you still can't change my mind.
Speaker A
There's no evidence to show that free will doesn't exist. There's no evidence to support it does exist either.
Speaker A
[ __ ] I forgot my line. See, everything is pre-written. Stop. You can't keep arguing after I break character. That's what's in the script. Dude, we aren't following the script anymore.
Speaker A
Yes, we are. Look. What? Who's closet murderer? Me. What the [ __ ] My favorite mean name to use on my friend with short legs is in Chinese.
Speaker A
You speak Chinese? No. Then how do you understand what the name means? Other way around.
Speaker A
What? We're talking about mean names, not name means. I just don't get how you understand the name. It's pretty simple. I can write it out for you if you want.
Speaker A
Yeah, go on. Write it out in Chinese. I don't write Chinese. Right. Of course, I can't do that.
Speaker A
Let's get back to the question. We're off course. No, that would have two Fs.
Speaker A
How do you understand the name if it's in Chinese? Because it's in English. What is it in English?
Speaker A
In Chinese. In English. In Chinese. In English. I'm Chinese. What? Sorry. Typo in the script. In Chinese.
Speaker A
What is the name in English? It's in Chinese. In Chinese. Oh, wait. I get it.
Speaker A
Now you understand. I thought you were saying he was Asian. No, he barely had any shin.
Speaker A
Does he get mad at these jokes? Well, he doesn't understand what I'm saying. Let me guess. He's Chinese.
Speaker A
No, he had his ears blown off in a horrific shootout. It was horrible. Oh, I'm I didn't I'm sorry, man. Uh, how is he doing?
Speaker A
I mean, it's getting better, but it's it's a slow process, you know. Small step. [ __ ] sake.
Speaker A
I tried to write as many jokes as I could in under an hour. Here's what I came up with. Hey, I found that camouflage outlet you lost in the woods and throw it out. It doesn't work.
Speaker A
Here's the deal. You get a million dollars, but all your condiments disappear and you can only talk about them in one syllable nicknames. There's no catch. Did you slightly change the color of each clip so people could tell
Speaker A
when one joke ends and the next one begins? I did tint. Stop lying. You did.
Speaker A
Is anybody here illiterate? My son is illiterate with numbers. He doesn't count. That's right. He doesn't. The stopwatch was named like the guy who made it yelled out to get everyone's attention and then tried to play it off
Speaker A
as if that was the name of the invention. Hey man, what's a red herring? You ask me what a red herring is? Go read the Bible, then come back to me. It's a letter from the future. I can't read this handwriting. In fact,
Speaker A
it's not even handwriting. It's hand will be written. Have you ever looked at a hole puncher and thought if everything was made of paper, this would be a basketball factory. This one's not even a joke. It's just an observation.
Speaker A
[snorts] Irwin Schrodinger wanted dead and alive. I was named after a four-letter question. I'm sorry, what?
Speaker A
It's actually wet. And don't apologize. It's not your fault. The P and pterodactyl are silent, but if you hire a guy without a mouth to read your mail, every letter is silent. You hear about that movie that's coming out
Speaker A
about the marketing team that went missing? No. Exactly. It's a very immersive experience. It's my birthday tomorrow.
Speaker A
Really? Yeah. Goodbye. 18. Hello. 33. You're turning 33. Yeah. But you're 18 right now.
Speaker A
Oh, I got that existence premium. What does that do? It gives me access to exclusive features like nonlinear aging, unnatural sound effects. What do you mean unnatural sound effects?
Speaker A
You'll see. All right. All right. I get it. What? What else can you do?
Speaker A
Built-in alarm clock. How does that work? You set a time, then your body makes a loud noise that wakes yourself up.
Speaker A
Snooze. What was that? The built-in alarm clock. No, you were talking and then all of a sudden it was you waking yourself up.
Speaker A
What was that? Oh, that's another thing. When I show someone something, you can do a mental cutaway now. All right, keep going. What else? What else is there? Customizable hair color. You can do that already with dye. Speaking of dyeing, if you die, you
Speaker A
can watch an ad to be revived. So you could have a heart attack and be like, "Can you do the cutaway for me? I I can't do it." Sure.
Speaker A
I should buy an air fryer. Why is there always a twist? What do you mean?
Speaker A
In all your videos, it always leads up to some big reveal like it was all hallucination or the whole thing is told backwards.
Speaker A
Well, you don't have some sort of like bang at the end. It's just going to be disappointing.
Speaker A
You can have that bang and still have a disappointing final product. Ask my parents.
Speaker A
I don't know. I just feel like everything should lead up to some big punchline.
Speaker A
This video doesn't have that. And clearly someone's still watching. Yes, it does. What you Like how I'm not real and I'm actually a representation of how you criticize yourself.
Speaker A
Yeah, that's not really that big of a reveal. I mean, we both look identical.
Speaker A
It's kind of implied. If you're actually me, then that joke about like disappointing the parent, that was about me. Yeah. What are you going to do about it, huh? Talking a lot of [ __ ] for someone who doesn't want a
Speaker A
punch line. Let's go. Let's go. Think you always have to have some sort of punch line or big reveal and everything, but that's not always necessary, you know? But don't beat yourself up.
Speaker A
Oh [ __ ] I just did. It's the phone that allows me to talk to different versions of myself from parallel universes.
Speaker A
One second, Isabella. I'll be I'm just on the phone. Ah, this must be the universe where I married that girl that I almost started dating but never did.
Speaker A
Oh, what? Isabella, that's like the norm. What do you mean? You're the only version of you that isn't with her.
Speaker A
No, that that can't be right. I just call any other universes. [snorts] Hey, you're the unemployed version of me right?
Speaker A
Yeah, that's me. Who's this? Are you dating Isabella? Oh, you must be the single version of me. That That's cool. That's No, no, this is the presidential version of me. field isn't available right now, but I could put you through to the first
Speaker A
lady uh Isabella. A compulsive liar version of me. Are you also dating Isabella? No.
Speaker A
Okay. Yeah. God damn. Lazy version of me. Is Is that you? No, it's Isabella. He didn't want to pick up the phone.
Speaker A
Wait, I think your finger is contaminated with a powder that makes your hearing better. I think your finger is contaminated with a powder that makes your hearing better.
Speaker A
I think your finger is contaminated with the powder. Stop putting your finger on your leg.
Speaker A
Guys, I found that video in my drafts and I have no clue if I uploaded it or not.
Speaker A
The fact that you're still doing the bid implies you haven't washed your hands in like months. When was the last time you washed
Topics:Harry Potter parodyStar Wars comedyVoldemort funnyAnakin Skywalker jokeHogwarts humorfantasy parodyRoarious comedyTikTok compilationmagical comedypop culture parody
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