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have you ever been gas lit and do you know what gas lighting is well essentially it's a form of psychological or emotional manipulation and in more extreme cases psychological or emotional abuse meant to make you feel like you're
Julia Kristina, a clinical therapist, outlines six tactics gaslighters use to make victims feel crazy, including discrediting, confident false versions, subject-changing, and minimizing feelings.
Key Takeaways
- Gaslighting works by eroding your trust in your own perception, memory, and gut feelings.
- Common tactics include public discrediting, confident denial, subject-changing, minimizing, and blaming the victim for 'remembering wrong.'
- Recognizing these specific behaviors is essential to naming what is happening.
- Naming the manipulation gives victims the power to respond to it effectively.
What the video covers
- The video is a follow-up to an earlier explainer on gaslighting, which the speaker recommends watching first.
- Gaslighting is defined as psychological or emotional manipulation, and in extreme cases abuse, meant to make the victim feel they are going crazy.
- Tactic 1: Discrediting the victim publicly by labeling them as dramatic, paranoid, or overly sensitive in front of others.
- Tactic 2: Spreading concern behind the victim's back to plant doubt about their mental state among other people.
- Tactic 3: Asserting a confident, often reversed version of events and using fake compassion to suggest the victim is confused or stressed.
- Tactic 4: Changing the subject or redirecting the conversation to the victim's supposed problems or to a third party like a friend.
- Tactic 5: Minimizing or dismissing the victim's feelings, and using sarcasm followed by claims of 'just joking.'
- Tactic 6: Outright denying that events happened or that statements were made, and turning the blame back onto the victim.
- The speaker notes that gaslighters often use these tactics in combination and that victims may begin to second-guess their gut instincts.
- Some people may be unaware they are doing this, while others act deliberately, and the speaker distinguishes between these possibilities.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction to Gaslighting
- 01:03Speaker Introduction and Video Overview
- 01:58Tactic 1: Discrediting You in Front of Others
- 02:47Tactic 2: Spreading Doubt Behind Your Back
- 03:39Tactic 3: Confident Reversed Versions and Fake Compassion
- 04:35Tactic 4: Changing the Subject
- 06:29Tactic 5: Minimizing Feelings and Sarcasm
- 08:25Tactic 6: Denial and Blaming the Victim
- 10:20Why Gaslighters Behave This Way and Closing Thoughts
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
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going crazy and I have a whole video explaining exactly what it is and the nine key signs to know whether or not you are being or have been gas lit before so I'll put a link to that video
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and maybe even go and watch that one first before you watch this one especially if you're not really sure what gas lighting is or this is just a whole new concept for you watch that one first and then come on back here because
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here we're going to talk about six specific tactics that gas lighters use to make you feel crazy so the specific things that they do so that you can really get good at looking out for and identifying and knowing when someone is
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doing something to Gaslight you if you're new to me and this is the first time we're connecting my name is Julia Cristina and I'm a registered clinical therapist a researcher a coach and an online course creator of a master's
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degree in counseling psychology and I work to help men and women get through the crap that is holding them back so they can like themselves in their lives more every day and if you are someone who has been are being gas-lit it can
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really mess with your perception it can mess with your reality it can make you feel kind of crazy it can make you feel like you might even becoming a part of the scenes and even question your sanity and so we need to talk about these ones
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these tactics that they use that gas lighters use to make you feel like you are the disturbed or messed up or paranoid or crazy one so let's jump right into it and the first thing that they will do is that they will discredit
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you and make you look bad or make you look crazy by making other people think that you are crazy or that there's something wrong with you and they might do this in overt ways right in front of you or they
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might do it a little bit more subtly or behind your back so if you've ever been group gathering or at a party or some kind of event when you know you're you're talking about something and you're sharing something and then this
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person says oh there goes Julia again getting herself all worked up about nothing she always does this you know makes a big deal out of the silliest stupidest things so these little things meant to kind of discredit you and make
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you look bad in front of other people the next one or sort of another way that they do this is you know they might say it behind your back and they might say something like oh you know I just want
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you to know that Julian's been acting really paranoid lately and you know she's there's been some funny things that she's been doing or saying and you know I just want and just you know I'm just concerned they might even pretend
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to be concerned I'm just concerned and I just want you to know you know I just want us to all be aware that this there's something kind of funny going on with Julia right now and so they're doing that in order to get other people
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to think that there's something going on with you because that gives them more power and it makes it so that you might even start to question or doubt yourself more because you kind of feel or see or think or or observe that all these other
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people are doubting or questioning you as well because of these ideas that the gas slider is planting in to their minds the next thing is that they might when you're in a situation and when you're talking about something that happened
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and you're confronting them on something they might come across as either confident about their version that's maybe even completely backwards or completely wrong or completely not what happened or they can be almost like fakely compassionate towards you so if
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you say you know I'm really upset about this and this really bothered me they might say something like well that's not what happened this is what happened and they are just totally confident and they recount the entire event and it's
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completely opposite to what you were thinking or experiencing or feeling or what you observed or your reality but they just come across as so confident that obviously they are right and you're wrong that it makes you second-guess or
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question yourself or they'll kind of be a little bit you know there's that fake compassion even a little bit belittling and Bo you know you poor thing Oh Julia you poor thing you've been so stressed out lately you've had so much on your plate that
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it's causing you to remember things wrong it's causing you to kind of distort reality so they'll start blaming you and telling you that you're the one who is making things up that you're the one who is wrong and they come across
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with so much confidence and resolve and they're so assertive in the way that they talk about it that it does really start to get in there you know and over time make you really start to doubt or question your perception of reality and
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the next tactic that a gas letter will use is changing the subject or diverting the conversation to something else so when you are talking about something when you are addressing something when you're confronting with them with something or when you're talking about
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something that happened they will just sort of divert the whole conversation so they might say something like oh I don't know what you're talking about like what's been going on with you lately is everything okay I've noticed that you
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know something seems a little bit off about you and so they've changed the subject altogether from the issue at hand to now making it about you them being you know concerned or curious or worried about something that might be
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going on with you so they've completely derailed the whole thing and avoiding the whole thing or they may say say something like I don't know where you're getting these ideas are you talking to your crazy friend you know Lisa you know you've got to stop
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talking to people like that you know that she just puts ideas in your head and you know that you know she just makes you think things that are that are not true and she gets you like oh worked
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up about stuff and so again changing the subject making it about your crazy friend Lisa and you know avoiding the whole issue altogether and sidestepping the entire thing that's a tactic that they use to just make you feel like
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you're the one in the wrong that you're the one who's crazy and to avoid any kind of responsibility for their part in it the next one is that and this is a really common one that they'll minimize or downplay or even like write off your
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feelings or your thought to your perceptions about whatever it is that you're talking about or whatever it is that you've brought up they might say something like why are you always so sensitive why do you make such a big
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deal out of such small things or why do you get so upset about such silly things so again they're kind of making it about something else they're avoiding the whole topic they're avoiding taking responsibility and they're again making
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it about you and turning it back on you minimizing you or they might say something like oh I was just joking you know why guys get so worked up why do you take things so seriously and this can be a big one you know especially
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when there's sarcasm and you know oftentimes someone will say something sarcastically that's actually kind of nasty but they'll say it like a joking way or they're just being kind of sarcastic or they're just being like silly or whatever and then but it's
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actually not nice it's actually kind of mean it's actually kind of nasty and when you call them out on it they're like oh I was just joking what I do is take things so seriously and again making you distrust that gut feeling
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that gut instinct that something isn't right something not good is happening here this person is not treating me well but it makes you second-guess it it makes you doubt it it makes you feel like maybe you're going crazy
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number five is just overtly lying or denying something so if you confront them on an issue if you call something out if you address something with them the gas slider is gonna overtly deny it they're gonna say I don't remember that
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what are you talking about you must have dreamt that you know that never happened or they might even say you're lying I never said that I never said that what's going on with you like again turning it back on you overtly lying and they say
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it which with such resolve in such confidence that you start to second-guess yourself you start to say well did that really happen did I dream it and it happens enough that it just really a row your trust in your own perception your
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belief in your own memories this is powerful stuff and it can really mess with us the last one number six is that they might even minimize or you know twist up the situation so if it's like an action that they did so let's say and
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maybe a little bit more extreme case where there's some kind of physical abuse happening and you say to them you know you shoved me you pushed me and then they might say well that never happened I didn't push you you were
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acting up and you were acting all crazy and I just you know I just like when I was trying to get away from you I was trying to get away from the situation I may have like bumped your shoulder I may
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have brushed up against you when I was trying to like get away so that you could calm down because you were going crazy I didn't push you or shove you what are you talking about when you know or you
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thought you knew that they actually did push you or shove you or you know in abusive relationships this is done quite often gas lighting is a really common thing in physically abusive relationships if you know if someone is
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physically abusive if someone is hitting you or or or hurting you physically and then they say something later on like well you know I wouldn't have done that if you wouldn't have said this or you know that you always do things that
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upset me like if you weren't always doing things that you knew would upset me that I wouldn't have to do this stuff to you then this wouldn't happen I wouldn't get angry like this I wouldn't get worked up like this and so again
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turning it on you making you feel like it's your fault that you've done something wrong that you're the one to blame and that it's all your responsibility when something doesn't go right or when there's an issue or when
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something comes up now that's a more extreme case of it but gas lighting can come up in subtle ways in in different relationships quite often it's not quite as harmful if it just comes up in like these little bits with
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certain people sometimes when it's not this more extreme thing that's been happening over and over again because that's when it really starts to chip away at our confidence at our self-esteem at our at our ability to believe and trust ourselves we really
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start to second-guess ourselves but it can come up in these subtle little ways and sometimes I don't even know if people are aware that they're doing it yeah often people are aware that they're doing it and they're doing it
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intentionally to manipulate or gain control over somebody else but sometimes they're doing it mamie even they're not aware that they're doing it or they're not doing it they're doing it sort of subconsciously to avoid conflict to avoid taking responsibility to avoid
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having to admit to themselves that they've done something mean or bad or or harmful or dysfunctional or you know not good in some way and I have an example of this that a little while ago I was talking to someone I was having a
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conversation I'm not gonna say who it is I'm not throwing anyone under the bus specifically but I was talking to them and we were having a conversation and then they responded with something and it just sounded like they had a tone in
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their voice they just sounded kind of nasty and they just sounded like you know they're being kind of rude about it and I said to this person I'm close enough with them that I could be open and honest and I said you don't I said
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you don't have to be rude about it like I'm not trying to upset you like you don't have to you don't have to be mean and they were like what are you talking about what are you talking about why do
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you always accuse me of things that I'm not doing why why do you think that I'm you know this mean nasty person and that is you know like saying things in these mean nasty ways like you know I didn't
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do that I didn't say that I didn't say it like that and just flat-out denied it and I honestly don't know if that person was trying to full-on avoid taking responsibility for what they did that they didn't like getting called out that
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they didn't like getting confronted and they were trying to just really avoid the whole thing or if they're really just not self aware if they actually didn't know that they were they had a tone in their voice that they were being kind of
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nasty can kind of rude and how they were saying what they were saying more often than not people are aware and they're avoiding responsibility and they are or in more extreme cases again they're trying to be a manipulative or gain
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power over you but it is a bit of a tricky thing and the more we can see these specific tactics that they're using the better we can get at identifying it and then the more clarity we can we can see we can see more
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clearly that this is being done to us that it's not because we are crazy it's not because we're losing our minds it's not because we're paranoid it's not because we are you know falling off a rock or whatever it is that we are being
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gas-lit that we can know what's happening and when we know what's happening when we know that it is happening then we can do something about it and in my next video I'm gonna talk about things that we can do to deal with
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being gas lit in more mild forms and in more extreme forms so make sure I'm gonna be putting the link to that below that you can check that out you can watch that and so that you can know what
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to do how to handle it because it's not okay to be treated this way and it's not okay for someone to make you doubt or question or second-guess yourself in these really intense extreme ways we're gonna be talking about boundaries
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because the boundaries having a healthy boundaries are a big part of dealing with gas lighting and get you started on learning how to have healthier boundaries I've got a download for you it's called 25 ways to say no you can
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grab that I'll put the link below that's just to get the wheels turning to start to start kind of having some ideas and some and some specific examples on how you can start to say no because learning how to say no is part of having healthy
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boundaries like the video share it out subscribe to the channel so we can stay connected and come on over and join my facebook group good for me group comm it's an incredible group pull of some of the most supportive kind compassionate
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caring and fun men and women it's incredible community come on over there go to me group comm and until next time take good care
Topics:gaslightingemotional manipulationpsychological abusegaslighter tacticsnarcissistic abusesigns of manipulationtoxic relationshipsself-doubtJulia Kristinacounselling
