Speaker A
He's corny as cornbread, seed as grain. He came out west on a northbound train. The crooks die laughing, but they're dead just the same. He's the shakiest gun in the West. Yeah, he's the shakiest gun in the West. He's got a
A comedic Western film about Jesse W. Haywood, a clumsy dentist heading west to spread dental health and face wild adventures.
Ask about this video. Answers come from its transcript only — with the timestamp, so you can check them.
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Key Takeaways
- The protagonist is an unconventional hero combining dentistry with Western adventure.
- Humor is central, often derived from Jesse’s clumsiness and the absurdity of frontier challenges.
- The West is depicted as a place needing modern services like dentistry, blending comedy with social commentary.
- Family relationships and personal growth are important narrative elements.
- Classic Western motifs are used to create a nostalgic yet comedic atmosphere.
What the video covers
- The film follows Jesse W. Haywood, a dentist from Philadelphia, as he travels west to establish his dental practice.
- Jesse is portrayed as an awkward but well-meaning character, humorously dubbed 'the shakiest gun in the West.'
- The story includes comedic scenes involving dental school, family interactions, and preparations for the journey west.
- Jesse encounters typical Western challenges such as stagecoach robberies and confrontations with outlaws.
- Supporting characters include Jesse's mother, aunt, and various Western townsfolk and outlaws.
- The narrative blends humor with classic Western tropes, including gunfights, posse chases, and frontier life.
- Jesse’s goal is to spread dental health in the West, a region underserved by dentists at the time.
- The film features a mix of slapstick comedy, musical elements, and lighthearted action sequences.
- Themes include perseverance, family support, and the clash between urban and frontier lifestyles.
- The movie is a full HD Western from 1968, presented by ClassicsBinge.
Chapters
- 00:00Opening Song and Introduction to Jesse
- 02:30Dental School Examination Comedy
- 04:44Family and Social Interactions
- 08:22Preparing for the Journey West
- 14:18Stagecoach Robbery and Chase
- 16:42Outlaw Plans and Posse Formation
- 21:32Jesse’s Western Arrival and Challenges
- 24:00Climactic Confrontations and Resolution
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
phony pony that was made in Japan. He rides in the saddle like an elevator man. He's an underfoot tenderfoot king of the mess. He's the shakiest gun in the West.
Speaker A
He's the shakiest gun in the West, but he stands for right both day and night.
Speaker A
He may lose the battle for a while, but he'll win the fight. He's a humer, a western swinger, but he has a little trouble with his trigger finger. When he takes aim, it's anybody's best. He's the shakiest gun in the West. Yeah,
Speaker A
he's the shakiest gun in the West. He's a dude done over. You can see at a glance. His boots are shiny and so are his pants. He's got hair in his eye and a gleam on his chest. He's the shakiest
Speaker A
guy in the West. Yeah, he's the shakiest guy in the West, but he stands for right both day and night.
Speaker A
He may lose the battle for a while, but he'll win the fight. Gay stands for help, help.
Speaker A
Madam, madam, please be patient. After all, this is the final examination for these dental students. It's important that you cooperate.
Speaker A
Now stay in your chair and try to relax. Jolly Ned, mother. Relax. We go.
Speaker A
[laughter] All right. Sit down there. There we go. All righty, Miss Stevenson. Now, first things first.
Speaker A
Now, we're just going to take a little look-see at your general dental condition. Sort of get the lay of the land. [laughter] You know. Okay. All righty. Open your mouth.
Speaker A
No. No. No. You see, if you don't open your mouth, then I can't see anything. See, that's the way that works. [clears throat] Uh, come on now, Miss Stevenson.
Speaker A
Seriously, open your mouth. Open up. Come on. Come on. I'll help you. Here, I'll get that thing. Open that.
Speaker A
Ah. How are you doing, Haywood? Fine. Fine. Dr. Brelander, what seems to be the trouble, Haywood?
Speaker A
Complete closure of the oral cavity. Eh, she's going to open her mouth. Watch me carefully.
Speaker A
Well, Miss Stevenson, don't we look lovely today? But we have a toothache, haven't we? A tooth saved is a silver dollar in the Bank of Health. Now, open your mouth, dear.
Speaker A
Oh, open wide. Are we going to open up that mouth? Open that rotten little mouth.
Speaker A
You're in my way, Haywood. You're in my way. I can't, I can't get loose. I can't get me out of here.
Speaker A
You're on your own from here on, Haywood. If you don't get that mouth open and get that tooth fixed, you don't graduate.
Speaker A
Miss Stevenson, I realize that this is hardly the time or place to bring this up, but I'd like very much to see you socially sometime.
Speaker A
Oh, well, I, uh, there. Everything going okay, Haywood? Fine. Mhm. Fine. Oh, [panting] hey.
Speaker A
Mhm. Oh, [ __ ] on. [cheering] Going. All right, make way for the mother of a dentist. The mother of Jesse W. Haywood.
Speaker A
I'm her best friend. [applause] [clears throat] Dr. Freedellander, faculty, students, [clears throat] and parents, as we stand on the threshold, louder. As we stand on the threshold of graduation, we may get the feeling that this is the end. [applause]
Speaker A
This is really the beginning. Louder. This is really the beginning of stepping out into new horizons.
Speaker A
North, south, east, and west. Speaking of west, that is the direction I personally am going to. Why did I choose the west? Because the west is a place where few, if any, dentists have trod. So
Speaker A
I am going to trod there. Why, you see why? Well, no. The west needs dentists. I mean, teeth are falling out right and left out there.
Speaker A
Keep falling out of Philadelphia, too. Yeah, but Philadelphia is overrun with dentists. There must be seven.
Speaker A
Gratitude. Gratitude. Some nice gratitude. But all a plan, all a nice surprise. Your uncle George was going to give you an office over the honey shop for $3 a month. And Celia Leonard. Celia Leonard was going to give you four rolls
Speaker A
of wallpaper. Blue ducks. 50 cents a foot. Wholesale. Oh, Jessie. [laughter] Jessie. Jessie. Jessie.
Speaker A
Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. If he were mine, I'd know what to do. Put him across my knee.
Speaker A
But out. I'm family. You're not family. I'm your aunt. You're not a real aunt. You're just my mother's best friend.
Speaker A
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How's it going, Haywood? Fine. Fine. Those half-naked savages must have colds all the time.
Speaker A
Oh, Ma, that's an old wives' tale. Your average Indian's the healthiest person in the world.
Speaker A
But Jesse, dear, it stands to reason. Call me, doctor. Uh, excuse me. Is this a car 24?
Speaker A
Uh, all the way down, Mac. But doctor, you've always been such a delicate little boy. You've got such touchy sinuses. You've always had your father's delicate sinuses.
Speaker A
Oh, Mom. Now, don't measure your father's sinuses; that killed him. He was run over by a bear wagon.
Speaker A
He was blowing his nose in the middle of the street. Well, I'm not going to cry.
Speaker A
Good for you, Ma. I promised myself I wouldn't cry. At her. If you don't believe me, ask Cia. I said, "Cia, I'm not going to cry at the station." And you've always kept your word, Ma.
Speaker A
You've always kept your word. Uh, is this car 24? Uh, back that way. Huh?
Speaker A
I'll bet [snorts] you think I'm crying right now. You promised yourself you wouldn't. And I'm not.
Speaker A
That's 'cause you're strong. Just think, Ma. Getting ready to head west. In two days, I'll be in Ohio. In one week, I'll be in St. Louis. And in two months, California.
Speaker A
What an age we live in. Things are moving too fast. Well, excuse me, buddy. Is this about it?
Speaker A
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Well, my. Oh. Oh. Uh, you got something from the corner. Got a nickel.
Speaker A
A nickel. No, no charge. Mom, what's that? Well, it got your uncle Metaf safely through the Civil War. Here, you may need it.
Speaker A
Well, gee, Ma, that's kind of nifty. Wear it in good health. What? Well, Ma.
Speaker A
Well, guess this is it. Goodbye, dear. Write me as soon as you get to the West.
Speaker A
I will. Don't look bad, Mom. Going out west, partner. Sure am, partner. Look at that.
Speaker A
Knuckle washer. Where? Thank you, dear lady. Oh. Uh, thank you, dear lady. That's good. What is that?
Speaker A
Wanatonka. Want to t lizard roll. Rest up. Rest up. All right, everybody out there, stage.
Speaker A
Come on. Come on. Come on. Let's go. And you up there. Throw that strong box.
Speaker A
Hold it, driver. Go ahead. You're up there. What happened, Arthur? Two men held us up about 8 miles out on the Willow Creek Road. They got the strong box.
Speaker A
All right, come on, man. Let's go. I just love this kind of stuff. Fred, got a passenger for you on the through stage. Be sure he gets on it.
Speaker A
Hot digs come to 2200 apiece. You know something, Vinnie? This is the first time I ever had this much money at one time my whole life.
Speaker A
There's plenty more where that came from, Pop. I got two stage coaches lined up next week, 100 miles apart.
Speaker A
Hold it, Penny. Count me out. What? That's right. This was my last job. After 30 years of rustling cattle and holding up banks and stage coaches, I'm packing it in.
Speaker A
This will be easy pickings, Pop. Nope. I want to take this money, fulfill my lifelong ambition.
Speaker A
What's that, Pop? Go to Boston and open up a little dress shop. A dress shop?
Speaker A
Oh, wait a minute now, Penny. Just 'cause I'm rough and dirty and don't wear underwear doesn't mean that I ain't autistic.
Speaker A
All the years we've been together, I never heard you mention that once. Well, I reckon it would sound kind of funny in front of the other gentlemen.
Speaker A
Well, that's the way you want it. At least we can ride together as far as Hole in the Wall.
Speaker A
A dress shop. Hold it, Penny. What is it? Sounds like maybe 10 or 15 horses.
Speaker A
Nice posse size. Let's get out of here. Oh. Oh, Daddy. There'll be one thing to do. They're gaining on us every minute now. We got to split up. You follow that stream there and I'll head north and try
Speaker A
to draw them off. Good luck, honey. Don't get caught, Pop. Remember your dress shop.
Speaker A
That looks like one of them. I just love this kind of stuff. Let's go.
Speaker A
Where are you? I just hate this kind of stuff. Grab her, boy. Where? Where? I don't know about grabbin
Speaker A
Where's that federal marshall? He's on his way over. You've got no right. You got no right holding a defenseless woman prisoner.
Speaker A
Now simmer down. You just simmer down, Kenny. Marshall Bates here wants to talk to you.
Speaker A
Miss Cushings, I got a proposition for you. Not interested. Better hear me out. This paper's a full pardon.
Speaker A
You a dang fool. The marshall wants me to work for the federal government. It's a trick.
Speaker A
I just love this kind of stuff. No, it's no trick. Now, listen to me carefully. Somebody's been smuggling guns to some renegade Comanche Indians.
Speaker A
What's that got to do with me? We need your help to find out who it is.
Speaker A
The marshall wants you to work as an undercover agent. We've already lost two men. We figure they won't be suspicious if a woman poses as a homesteader.
Speaker A
Well, what do you think, Benny? I don't know. We got enough on you to send you away for 300 years.
Speaker A
Y he wants to give you a pardon. You read this. Is it a real pardon? It's got the governor's signature on it.
Speaker A
You got yourself a deal. Hey, this is pretty exciting. You mind if I tell everybody?
Speaker A
You do, and I'll shoot you right in the mouth. Excuse me, sir. Uh, could you tell me where I could buy a wagon and a good team of horses?
Speaker A
Yep. Right across the street there. Ael Swanson will sell you anything you want, but watch it. He's real slick. He'll cheat you if he gets a chance.
Speaker A
Well, he'll have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull the wall over Jesse W. Haywood's eyes. Much obliged.
Speaker A
Love your hat. Mr. Swanson. Oh, howdy. I'd like to see your Mr. Swanson about getting a good rig on the team.
Speaker A
Well, I don't know anything about that. And you can tell them that just because I'm from out of town, I don't mean I don't know what it's all about.
Speaker A
Good day, sir. Ael Swanson, proprietor at your service. Dr. Jesse W. Haywood, dentist, Philadelphia.
Speaker A
Ah, a professional man. What a pleasure to do business with a man of science.
Speaker A
Wong. Her house is honored by the presence of a physician. Wong reverses knowledge. We are at your service.
Speaker A
Well, I [clears throat] want to get a rig and a couple of good, strong horses, and I'll pay nothing but a fair price.
Speaker A
It's a pleasure to do business with a discerning man. Now, everything you need is right over here.
Speaker A
There's a pot belly stove, rod iron, and skillet, 20 lbs of flour, one axe, two extra handles. Now, let's see. A stove 750 skillet at 420 flour 850 975 with 202 add that up with what you own jing toys on jingga that comes to $47
Speaker A
even now for the wagon I have one picked out hold it hold it $47 just see the stove was 750 was 420 that's 117 then you have the Have you ever been in the Orient sir huh have you ever been in the Orient
Speaker A
no I I never have it's amazing simply amazing warm Observe the analytical mind of the trained scientist. Skill in the arts of mathematics, physics, chemistry. Able to understand the minations of the oriental calculating abacus. Run over those figures again for him. Wong.
Speaker A
Yeah, it's $47. All right. Extraordinary mind. You, sir, are amazing. Now, let's put you into a wagon. Right this way.
Speaker A
You are indeed a fortunate man. This is your lucky day. The wagon you are beholding, soon to be yours, is the only one of its kind western Mississippi.
Speaker A
How much is it? Built to the finest oak, once owned by one of the great pioneers of our west, the late Sir Lincoln Boon.
Speaker A
I know this is no time to bring this up, but how much is it?
Speaker A
Excuse me. I'll let it go for $100. How much? $150. Now that seems kind of expensive to me.
Speaker A
Expensive? Too expensive for a vehicle worthy of transporting one of the great scientific minds of our day. Sir, this wagon befits you.
Speaker A
Wong, let us not forget our house is honored by the presence of a physician.
Speaker A
Thanks to Well, no, wait. No, I listen. I I think 150 will be okay.
Speaker A
Add it up. 47150. That comes to $23255. $23255. That's correct. Well, figures don't lie.
Speaker A
It's an even 250 with the territory tax. And that'll be cash, of course. Territory tax.
Speaker A
Gracias. It was a pleasure doing business with you, sir. Chop chop. Huh? I'll see you. Oh, wait a minute. I I almost forgot. What about the horses?
Speaker A
I surely you just there hasn't been a horse for sale around here in over 3 weeks.
Speaker A
Wait a second. If you don't have any horses for sale, how come you sold me that wagon and all that stuff?
Speaker A
We just like to keep busy. Now you have no right to What time do you have, sir?
Speaker A
5:30. We're closed. Now just wait a minute. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Wait. How am I going to get out west if I don't have any horses? Get cheaters. Cheaters.
Speaker A
Abacus. Mr. Hugginness. That's right. [music] Penelopey Cushings. Won't you come in? What can I do for you, Miss Cushings?
Speaker A
Where? First, I must warn you. I'm not taking on any new clients. I expect to be leaving town shortly.
Speaker A
The moon is on the way. You You were looking for a woman, weren't you? Well, yes, but you're Well, not like you.
Speaker A
Expecting someone a bit more horsey. Sort of. Well, I'm what they came up with. So, let's get down to business.
Speaker A
We're to take the wagon train to San Miguel with you posing as my wife.
Speaker A
Oh, it's strictly federal business. Once there, we get in touch with Will Banks. You've got a rig?
Speaker A
Waiting out in the staging area. Any notion as to how the rifles are getting to the Indians?
Speaker A
Nope. There could even be some on the wagon train we're taking. Well, now do you have everything you need?
Speaker A
Yes, I think so. Good. We'll need day after tomorrow. Let's sign up. Strictly federal business.
Speaker A
Strictly done and done. That's Sam Huggin, the lawyer. Who did it? Shots came from across the street. This fell just staggered into the hotel.
Speaker A
Did anybody call a doctor? Doc Gford's out of town. Wait a minute. There's a doctor right here in the hotel.
Speaker A
Dr. Jesse W. Haywood, room three. Come on, Lyall. Ernie, come on. [snorts] Hurry it up.
Speaker A
You don't answer. Darn you, Ly. Dr. Haywood. Dr. Haywood, wake up. Wake up. Let's go up there.
Speaker A
We're coming. Dr. Haywood. Dr. Haywood, please wake up. Doctor, we have an emergency in the lobby.
Speaker A
Emergency. All right, everybody stand back. Give this man air. He's probably got a badly impacted wisdom, too.
Speaker A
You fool. Here's the trouble. [music] Hey, you sure handled that nice last night, Doc. [laughter] Uh, [clears throat] morning.
Speaker A
Uh, look, I hope I didn't give the hotel a bad name by painting. I mean, I feel bad about that. Make me feel terrible.
Speaker A
Your shoes untied? Oh, yeah. Thank you. Well, I'll just uh [clears throat] tie it over here.
Speaker A
Oh. Uh, ma'am. Ma'am. Uh, what? Wait. Just just uh ma'am. Oh, ma'am. Uh, ma'am, excuse me, ma'am. Uh, I just wanted to express my deepest sympathy and to apologize for uh well, what happened to me there last night. See, actually, I'm a dentist.
Speaker A
See, I'm not a doctor. And well, when I see something like that, I just sort of go all fuzzy.
Speaker A
What's a tender ninny like you doing out here in the first place? Ma'am, uh uh now I realize that that may have come about as a result of your grief, but I don't like to be called a tender ninny.
Speaker A
Tender ninny. Okay. All right. Now, all right. I'm going to tell you something. I'm in teeth and I came out here all the way from Philadelphia single-handed to fight oral ignorance and I intend to go further west.
Speaker A
West is that way. West and I'm going to find me a couple of horses and I'm leaving on the next wagon train out now. What do you think about that?
Speaker A
Um, are you going to take your tree and your dog along with you? Sorry about your husband passing on, man, but rules rules, and I got to stick to them. No women alone on the wagon train.
Speaker A
Ah, look, Mr. Welsh, I have got to get on this wagon train. No single women. Company rule.
Speaker A
Well, I've got to find someone. Well, the only thing I can recommend is you find yourself a husband by 5:00 tomorrow morning.
Speaker A
A husband? Mhm. All you need is something wearing pants going that way. Oh, west is that way.
Speaker A
Oh, hello dentist. Hello. Uh, it's you. Aren't you going to ask me to come in?
Speaker A
Huh? Oh. Oh, sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, come in. Come in. Oh. Uh, I like to keep my hand in.
Speaker A
I'm sorry to bother you like this, but I have a terrible toothache. Is it in your mouth?
Speaker A
Oh, yeah. It would be, wouldn't it? Sure. Well, uh, you just, uh, sit right down there and we'll just take care of it.
Speaker A
I probably should have made an appointment. I realize how busy you must be. Oh, golly heck. There's always always room for an emergency.
Speaker A
[clears throat] Uh just uh when uh well, I'll tell you what. Uh could you just uh uh open your mouth?
Speaker A
Uh, I need my mirror. Oh, that's okay. I got to get something else here.
Speaker A
Oh, do you know something? When you turned away, I noticed your profile. It's really very attractive.
Speaker A
Profile. H Oh, your hands. Oh, they're lovely. The hands of a surgeon. My hand.
Speaker A
[clears throat] Well uh hands have always run in my family. Do you know what I think?
Speaker A
Uh-uh. I think you're very nice. You know what I think? What? I think I might faint.
Speaker A
How did a wonderful professional man like you escape marriage all these years? Well, I've always felt I was a little too thin for marriage.
Speaker A
And besides, my main mission in life right now is to go west. How strange fate is. I too am alone and going west. And suddenly out of the blue sky, I meet you.
Speaker A
A big, tall, handsome man. Now wait a minute. Just wait a minute. I I don't even love you.
Speaker A
I'm crazy about you. Isn't that enough? No. Well, then the witnesses there, Mrs. Long Bow and Slush White, 25 cents each, payable immediately following the ceremony.
Speaker A
Fine. Can we speed it up, Reverend? The wagon train leaves in an hour. Look, this is so sudden, Miss Cushings.
Speaker A
I mean, you just don't fix a tooth one minute and then get married the next.
Speaker A
The song is 50 cents extra. Would you like the song? Yes. Fine. Fine. Oh, promise me that.
Speaker A
Let's go, Reverend. During the music? Yes. All right. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here now. Wait a minute.
Speaker A
Uh, I can't get married without telling my mother. There isn't any time. We've got to catch the wagon train. Uh, uh, and Jesse.
Speaker A
Jesse. My mother will never get over this. She'll just never forgive me for this.
Speaker A
We are assembled here in the presence of God to join together this man and this.
Speaker A
Now, what? We're strangers. You know that, don't you? I mean, I'd at least like you to meet my mother. Maybe even her friend Celia.
Speaker A
Speed it up, Reverend. He's instructed those who enter into this relationship, etc., etc. Now, that's not Episcopalia. By the authority invested in me by the church, I declare that you Penelopey and you Jesse and you, Jesse, are hereby man and wife.
Speaker A
Reverend, just hold it. Hold it. I don't I don't feel at all that this is actually I mean the whole the thing.
Speaker A
Mhm. Mhm. You know, maybe we better hurry if we don't catch that wagon train.
Speaker A
Well, well, well. You did it, man. What's the new name? Dr. and Mrs. Jesse W. Haywood.
Speaker A
Well, good for you. You ready to go? Wagons West. That's a ticket. Just pull up behind that last wagon.
Speaker A
Right. Nice going. Well, I'm sorry. I'm just so darn excited. Mr. and Mrs. Hyram Remington, Atlanta.
Speaker A
Dr. and Mrs. Jesse W. Haywood, Philadelphia. Dr. Mrs. Jesse W. Haywood, Philadelphia. Reverend Sacrian and my loyal minion, Matthew Bash.
Speaker A
Nice couple. Jesus Christ. What are you trying to do? Get us thrown in jail.
Speaker A
A pretty little thing like that and a derby dude. They ain't likely to be federal men.
Speaker A
You can't trust anybody. I remember that. Come on, fix it. Where's Willie? Reach me.
Speaker A
Willy. Willie? Here, Mom. I told you to do that before we left. Oh, boy.
Speaker A
Keep your eye on the road. I just can't believe it. Tonight's our wedding night.
Speaker A
A few hours we'll stop, make camp, have a little supper. Bring this belly by [laughter] I was in the same boat as you 35 years ago.
Speaker A
That right. I'll never forget my wedding night as long as I live. I'll bet I cried like a baby.
Speaker A
Almost done. Ma Penelope. Penelopey. What do you want? Are you betting by? I suppose [music] so.
Speaker A
guard today, Dr. Hibbit. You're kidding. Coyote. [laughter] Who the hell? scare you? Heck no. You kidding?
Speaker A
I come to relieve you, Doc. I reckon you got some chores you want to fulfill, huh?
Speaker A
Yeah. No. Yeah. Thanks. Okay. Good luck. [snorts] I'm back. You're soft. [snorts] Come on, you little Vickens. I'll find you.
Speaker A
Come on now. Come on now. Where are are you? Patty, what are you doing?
Speaker A
That you really What are you doing wandering around in the middle of the night?
Speaker A
Shut up. What's going on here? I couldn't sleep, so I decided to take a walk. That's all.
Speaker A
Well, you'd be lonesome, too, if your husband were on guard duty. It's our wedding night.
Speaker A
Lover's squirrel, that's all. All right, back to bed. Gosh, honey. I didn't realize you missed me so much.
Speaker A
I wonder what she's up to. Don't you get it, Zach? She's got the sweets on me. I have the same trouble every place I go.
Speaker A
Women, just come running at me, wanting to kiss me on the mouth. Everybody up. Everybody up.
Speaker A
Heat. Heat. [music] Inbounds. Inbounds. What do we do? Take coverage. Start using S6 gun.
Speaker A
[ __ ] [ __ ] Huh? Come on. [screaming] The windchwood wagon. Anything with us?
Speaker A
Remington. Tyler, some of you, man. Let's go. Get back here, you idiot. Fang, are you all right?
Speaker A
Yeah, fine. Uh, I didn't know you could shoot like that. Yeah, I didn't know it myself.
Speaker A
Who' have believed? That doc's a gutty little cuss. Which one's not Heywood? Right there. There he is.
Speaker A
Doc Haywood, Indian fighter. Hey, Doc. Tell his guest how you kill all meanings. Now, give him a chance to clear the dust out of his throat. Come on, Doc. Drink up.
Speaker A
[laughter] Well, well, doesn't pay to drink too fast when you're thirsty. That was good. Now it's good.
Speaker A
St. Doc, now we here tell that you kind of fell far behind the main wagon train.
Speaker A
How did that happen? Well, I'll tell you. That was on purpose. There was a reason for that.
Speaker A
You see, it was all part of the plan. Was all part of the plan.
Speaker A
As I said, it was all part of the plan. See, I'd been spotting their signs for quite a while. He was a spotting their signs.
Speaker A
One, maybe two miles. And then a plan began to formulate in my mind. The plan began formulating in his mind.
Speaker A
I figured I'd lay back a ways and draw him off the main body. That was to give the wagon train a chance to get away. Chance to get away.
Speaker A
You want to let me tell this fella? See, there's one thing you got to keep in mind about Indians.
Speaker A
Them Indians is 10 times as scared as you are. Didn't mean to scare Indian fighter.
Speaker A
Character one by ours. I want him. What? If that skinny little Philadelphia Jasper could be a federal agent.
Speaker A
He sure looked like a dentist to me. How would you know? You ain't never seen a dentist in your life.
Speaker A
No need to poke fun at my only weak point. I don't know what you're talking about, lady. I'm a roofer. Been a roofer all my life. Don't know nothing about the federal government. Sam Huggins would be talking to you now, but they shot him.
Speaker A
Get in the way of him. I knew it. That whole dentist out there was a dodge. Look at those clothes. He's a gutty for sure.
Speaker A
[music] Yep, Matthew. That's our man. We got to get rid of him. How you going to do it?
Speaker A
Simple. I'll have you pick a fight with him. Got him down in the street.
Speaker A
Now, wait a minute, Reverend. I ain't going to tangle with him. What's the matter, afraid he'll kill you?
Speaker A
That's part of it. The main thing is if he nicks me, why the car will just ruin my looks?
Speaker A
I'll get a professional. I hear that aren't all the kids in town. Good. Heck, you're always better off with a specialist anyway. Yeah, but I'll sure know where to look if I ever need a coward.
Speaker A
Yep. Arnold, kill Haywood. I'll give you $600. All right, I'll give you $850. All right, I'll give you $1,000.
Speaker A
They told me this outfit was an original. Get out of my way. What? You heard me. Get out of my way.
Speaker A
Well, now just who do you think you are? Arnold the kid. Doc the Haywood.
Speaker A
That name don't scare you. It scares me this much. All right, Mr. Kid, now you've gone just a little bit too far. You're really asking for it.
Speaker A
Make your play. I'll make my play. I'll make my play. Dippity doo. Canabadip. Double dare.
Speaker A
Knock off the chip. Now, what's this all about? You want to know what that's all about?
Speaker A
I'll tell you what that's all about. You knock off that ship and you'll see what it's all about.
Speaker A
Okay. All right. Okay. I'm going to tell you something right now. You just happen to know what I did? Do you happen to know what I did? Well, I'll tell you what I did. I killed 12 Indians and two
Speaker A
horses in one fight. Now, how do you like those bananas? Pass the word to clear the street. I'll meet you here in half an hour.
Speaker A
Where you [music] Hey, I think you might have something with that Minister Gant. They checked on him back east and he ain't no Pentecostal, and he sure ain't no Mormon. They couldn't find one persuasion that ever heard tell of him.
Speaker A
Those Bible boxes were sure long and heavy. Hey, maybe you and your husband could scout around the church, see what's in them boxes.
Speaker A
Forget my husband. He's just some Philadelphia Jay I got tied up with to get me out here. The sooner I get rid of him, the better.
Speaker A
Appears to me like he could be of some help. I hear he's pretty good with a six gun.
Speaker A
What's going on? That's Haywood out there practicing. I heard two shots. That means uh he's got four to go.
Speaker A
[laughter] That's X. Call him out. Heywood, did you want me for something? Been exactly a half hour.
Speaker A
Heywood, I'm even going to let you draw first. Thank you. [music] A seven shooter.
Speaker A
What'd you do that for? I thought you were going to get rid of that G.
Speaker A
I don't know. Something just come over me. Great work, Doc. You showed them. Head away, Doc. Boy, you sure are something.
Speaker A
Excuse me. Excuse me, Penny. Penny, you hear about it? I heard. Yeah, about the only thing he saved me was the old killer instinct.
Speaker A
Well, what about supper? I've got something to do. I'll see you later. But but I ain't seen you all day.
Speaker A
Dr. Haywood, the sheriff wants to see you. The sheriff wants to see you. Just a minute, son. Penny, look.
Speaker A
He says it's important. Well, all right. Where are you going to be later? I'll be around.
Speaker A
Yeah. Darn women. He's so excitable. Whenever you're ready, Leonard, hold it like that. Ow.
Speaker A
That's dandy. Thank you. There. That'll be a real nice picture for us. The man who got Arnold the kid.
Speaker A
[laughter] Well, I guess we don't need this anymore. Oh, say, can I have that? I'd kind of like to keep it for a souvenir.
Speaker A
Sure, Doc. Help yourself. Leonard, get that picture developed as soon as you can. Here, you want me to give you a hand with this?
Speaker A
Yes, please. There we are. That looks good. Uh, have you seen this lady? I see. She really feels like the church.
Speaker A
Gracias Senñor. Penny, hold it. What's the matter? Thought I heard something. Penny. Come here. Oh, hey.
Speaker A
Penny, shut up. Hey, keep it quiet. I've been looking all over town for you.
Speaker A
What do you want? Is that you? Yes, that's me. I'll explain one of these days, but not right now.
Speaker A
Oh my boy, don't you believe this? I just got You mean you're a thief, a cattle rustler? What's this all about?
Speaker A
I'll explain it later. Right now, I'm on government business. Like what? Like stealing rifles from a nice church?
Speaker A
It's her. She's the agent. Let's get her. No, not now. Let's wait till Duck K18 here. Come on.
Speaker A
It's really none of your business now. Let's get out of here. Government business. What kind of government business?
Speaker A
Hold your voice down. But I don't get it. One minute you're a bank robber, the next minute you're working for the government.
Speaker A
Oh, right. It's true. I am Bad Penny Cushions. But the government said they clean up my record if I did this job for them.
Speaker A
What job? I can't tell you anymore. Now look, I don't know if you realize it, but our marriage is getting pretty shaky. Now, I want to know what's going on.
Speaker A
All right. Now, can I count on you to keep this quiet? Of course. Hold your voice down.
Speaker A
Of course. The government promised me amnesty if I found out who's smuggling rifles to the Indians. It's Gant and Bash.
Speaker A
Gant and Bash. The minister is loyal minion. He's no minister and he's no minion.
Speaker A
I don't know, Penny. Everything's just moving too fast. First you came to me with a toothach. We got married. We got on the wagon train. Bang, bang, bang.
Speaker A
Hooray, hooray. Then I find out you're a crook. Then you're not a crook. You're working with the government.
Speaker A
Everything's just moving too fast. Poor little dude. You're tired, aren't you? Well, I think the best thing to do is to go to bed.
Speaker A
Huh? I said I think the best thing to do is to go to bed.
Speaker A
Are you changing? Uh-huh. I'll just change in the closet. [snorts] You can't sleep like that. Those spurs will kill me.
Speaker A
I've got to get to Fort Tyler to get the military. You said I mean I thought that Fort Tyler.
Speaker A
Don't you understand? If the Indians get those rifles, they'll wipe out this town. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, I better come with you then. I'm pretty handy with a gun, you know.
Speaker A
I'm afraid not, dentist. You couldn't hit a bleeding elephant in the snow. Are you kidding? 12 Indians, two horses, and Arnold the Kid.
Speaker A
Look, you might as well know. I shot the Indians from inside the wagon and Arnold the kid from the window.
Speaker A
What you mean? I didn't I mean none of those. Nobody. Nobody. I'm sorry to have to tell you that dentist, but I wouldn't want you to come with me. You might get hurt.
Speaker A
Are you coming back? I'm afraid not. But but you're my wife. Well, that was just [music] to get on the wagon train.
Speaker A
I'm sorry, amigo. Gracias. There he is. [cheering] Oh, please just uh just a minute.
Speaker A
Uh there's something that I uh I have to tell you. Well, come on, Doc. Speak up.
Speaker A
No, no, no more. Uh, now I don't want you to think that I'm not grateful for the drinks and for you're all being so nice and everything, but uh, well, I'm just going to tell you straight out.
Speaker A
Doc the Haywood, the well-known Indian fighter, is a fake. It's absolutely true. Just as long as I'm standing in here, right here, right now, it's the truth.
Speaker A
Well, somebody killed them dozen Indians. Now, who killed him? My wife. Just a second. Just a second. Hold her up. You got the kid because we all seen it.
Speaker A
You got him zang with one shot while you was a fallen down. That's right. My wife got him from a window. I wasted all my shots like a darn dumbbell. Don't you remember?
Speaker A
I shot two at the can, two at the sign, one at the skillet, and one in the pants.
Speaker A
All right, now hold it. I was watching the whole thing. Now, let's see. There was uh there was two at the can, two at the sign, one at the skillet, and one in the pants.
Speaker A
Two at the can, two at the sign, one at the one in the Oh [screaming] failure, failure, failure, failure, failure failure failure.
Speaker A
That's the story of my life. You know, two things have always been my downfall.
Speaker A
I have always been the most failure of anybody and I'm too pen. I don't think you're too thin.
Speaker A
It's all bloat. Bloated thin failure. That's me. I think you're wonderful. I just love a man that can't make his mark in life.
Speaker A
Penny. Penny. She's right something. You know, she used me and she she tricked me.
Speaker A
She made me think that she loved me. Oh, I should have known better. [snorts] Nobody ever loved me.
Speaker A
Did you know I had to take my own cousin to the graduation dance? Oh, I threw up on her dress.
Speaker A
You are really my kind of guy. I got on a romance track. Then I got on a gunslinger's track.
Speaker A
I got to get back on that dentist track. Go ahead, laugh. Laugh all you like. I'm not a failure. I'm a dentist.
Speaker A
A real dentist. And I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to spread dental health through the West like a plague.
Speaker A
Come on. I want to close up. Good night, Doc. Brush your dentist twice a day and visit your toothbrush once a year.
Speaker A
[music] Penny, Penny, Penny. It's water. water. Water. I got to have water. [bell] Water. I got to have water.
Speaker A
Air. I got to have air. Air. [panting] Ah, got Hey, hey hey. action. Hey hey hey.
Speaker A
Penny. Penny. What? What? [crying] What? [crying] [screaming] What? Watch out. Watch out. [screaming] How many we give out? And tallies.
Speaker A
181. [laughter] Good girl. I think I know her. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Isn't that uh Laughing Dear's daughter?
Speaker A
No. The dear girl married White Analopee. Rotten Buffalo's cousin. Oh, I want to watt.
Speaker A
Day what? What day? What day? Uh-oh. What day? Dentist. You're crazy. Are you all right?
Speaker A
Except for these bindings. They're killing my hand. I think the best time to get out is after they all get a little drunker.
Speaker A
You know something? You're a lot spunkier than I thought you were. I get that from my mother. [laughter] [laughter] He's crazy about me.
Speaker A
S looks like we're going dancing. [screaming] [laughter] I don't know. Head shot. Come on, honey.
Speaker A
here. We're going to need this when we make our break. Be careful. Put me down.
Speaker A
Oh, Reverend Minion. Well, now if it ain't Doc Haywood, gunfighter. phony gunfighter. Hey, Doc. Uh, how about us having a real gunfight? Huh? And to make it even, it'll be just you against me and a good reverend here. Now, uh, what do you
Speaker A
think about that? You want to know what I think about that? Well, I'll just show you what I think about that.
Speaker A
Well, Put it on, Haywood. anytime you're ready. Haywood's right back there, honey. Let's go.
Speaker A
Honey, go. Jesse's out. Oh, Jessie. Let's go. What? Rider coming in. Get ready. They're coming.
Speaker A
Get the women and kids back into the church. Get back in the church. [music] Well, they're sure taking their sweet time about it, devil.
Speaker A
Hold it. [music] [music] Doc Haywood's with him. It sure is. Open up, boys. Everything's under control.
Speaker A
Jesse, you're alive. Yeah, I know. [laughter] Take my friend Black Eagle and fix him up with a big rare steak.
Speaker A
[laughter] Adjustments are free up to 60 days. After that, it's a dollar a visit.
Speaker A
I'm so glad you're back. Me, too. Oh, come on now. Come on. Come on. Wait a minute. Wait.
Speaker A
Oh, [music] hey. [music]
Topics:Westerncomedydentist1968 moviestagecoachfrontierClassicsBingeJesse W. Haywoodshakiest gunadventure
