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Well, hello there. Honestly, I’d bet my incredible career that your friendships or romantic relationships will sooner or later end, or at the very least be disappointing, if they don’t meet one important condition.
Relationships fail without equality; inequality leads to disappointment or end. Parent-child dynamics shape all unequal bonds.
Key Takeaways
- Equality is essential for long-lasting, fulfilling relationships.
- Inequality in relationships creates a dynamic of striving and often disappointment.
- Parent-child relationships set a template for all other unequal relationships.
- Distance and boundaries help manage inequality in relationships.
- Growth and differentiation can transform unequal relationships into equal ones.
What the video covers
- Relationships, whether friendships or romantic, often end or disappoint without the key condition of equality.
- Unequal relationships may start intensely but are unreliable and tend to fail due to inherent inequality.
- Inequality means one person feels higher and the other lower emotionally from the start, regardless of external factors.
- Parent-child relationships are the first and fundamental unequal relationships, shaping future relational patterns.
- Distance or separation is necessary to manage inequality in parent-child relationships to avoid feelings of being looked down upon.
- Other unequal relationships strive for closeness to eliminate inequality, but this often leads to conflict or failure.
- Differentiation, or recognizing differences between individuals, is crucial for healthy relationships and overcoming past traumas.
- Growth in relationships can shift them from unequal to equal, but this is rare and requires conscious effort.
- Equal relationships maintain boundaries and distance, fostering stability and reliability over passion.
- People often undervalue stable, equal relationships in favor of intense but unstable ones.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction: Importance of Equality in Relationships
- 01:02The Concept of 'Match' and Relationship Triggers
- 01:43Inequality Leads to Relationship Failure or Disappointment
- 02:47Surface Equality vs. Emotional Inequality
- 03:42Case Study: 'Girls on Steroids' and Mother-Daughter Competition
- 04:41Differentiation: Separating Self from the World
- 05:41Parent-Child Relationships as the First Unequal Relationship
- 06:41Managing Inequality Through Distance and Separation
- 07:30Inequality Outside Parent-Child Relationships
- 08:17Growth and Transformation from Unequal to Equal Relationships
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
And that condition is called equality. Unequal relationships look, especially at the very beginning, like the best, brightest, most intense, and fastest-developing ones. However, they are the most unreliable type of relationship. In one of my videos, I already voiced the thought that if
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relationships, whether friendly or romantic, start at a peak point, then an inevitable fall awaits them.
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Psychologists and other educated people consider some traumas and other unaddressed human needs as the trigger for such a high start to a relationship. On the whole, that is more or less true. But it's easiest to express it as
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certain elements of a person's personality seeing their fulfillment in this other person, or, more simply, a "match" happens.
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You have great... Do you like to die? Yes, I love it. No way. However, regardless of what served as the specific trigger, all such relationships are united by inequality, meaning someone is higher and someone is lower. And the dynamism
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and intensity of such relationships is an unconscious striving of people to eliminate this inequality, that is, to get closer.
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Come on, I love Ringo Starr. No one loves Ringo Starr. That’s why I like him.
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Regardless of whether this goal is reached or not, these relationships will be a fiasco. If the goal is not reached, and this happens in 95% of cases, then these relationships will be a disappointment. If the goal is reached and the inequality is
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eliminated, then, in essence, these relationships have fulfilled their function, achieved their goal, and ultimately no longer make sense, and therefore will also be a disappointment.
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So, what kind of inequality, you ask me? And it’s not about someone being better, worse, smarter, stupider, more beautiful, uglier, more mature, younger, or anyone else, somewhere, somehow, sometime. It’s about the very feeling of the interaction. One initially
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occupies a position higher than the other on the level of feelings, without any visible or obvious direct competition. Initially, from the very first second of interaction. The reasons for this can be, as I already said above, quite varied. However, the
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essence and principle of the relationship do not change because of this. The interaction between people itself may look equal. Each speaks, listens, and hears the other, for that is what relationships strive for—to get closer. However, fundamentally, they are not equal from the start.
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Actually, why is inequality a problem for long-lasting, reliable, and strong relationships for all or most of one's life? The problem lies with the parents. As I’ve said before, mother and father are Adam and Eve. The first man
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and woman in a person's world. Further on, the image of man, woman, and the relationship between them is built in their image and likeness. Let's take, for example, my favorite case: women on steroids. These girls had major issues
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with their mothers, where the mother constantly competed with the daughter, and the daughter lost that competition.
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As this girl grows up, because she had a bad relationship with her mom, she naturally doesn't have very positive views of women. Girls on steroids don't like other girls. And because the girl was constantly losing the competition, she begins to compete with all other
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women just to beat them. That is, these women act quite aggressively, dress aggressively, and are more interested in men than in women. However, this whole situation is changeable; it can be fixed. Ideally, differentiation should occur, where the image of the
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mother is separated from the entire female gender, and the concept—or the word—"different" appears in the psyche; you see, there are different kinds of women. And here is what I’ve realized: judging by my consultations, I see that people don't fully
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understand what differentiation actually is. Just a reminder, consultations are available; you can sign up via VKontakte. Write to me, we'll pick a time and set it up. So, what is differentiation anyway, guys?
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I’ve already explained that there’s a child, and when they are born, they are the entire world to themselves, you understand? That is, the differentiation between "me" and the "world" hasn't happened yet, you see? I am the entire world, damn it. But
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inside, you understand, a person doesn't really realize or experience it that way. I mean, the child definitely sees other objects—you get it, they see that they are separate from them—but on the level of sensations, damn it, it doesn't feel that way, you know?
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And sensations and emotions are the super-key things. So, let's say a child grew up in bad conditions and saw parents or other people doing bad things; due to the lack of differentiation, they don't decide that those people are [ __ ]. They decide,
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"I will not be like that," even though they have absolutely nothing, damn it, to do with it. That is, for them, on the level of sensations, they are one and the same, you understand? And that's how many interesting, quirky
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stories happen in people's psyches and lives. But that’s not the main point. The point is that besides mother and father being Adam and Eve, the relationship with them is the first relationship in a person's life, and it is unequal. Those relationships remain
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that way forever. Even if a child is 40 and the parents are 60, and they have outgrown them mentally, psychologically, financially, socially, in status, politically, and in every possible way, and started acting as a parent to their
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own parents, these relationships remain unequal by the very fact of birth. The sense of inequality is a major issue for people, which you can especially observe in politics. No one wants to feel small. And growth is one of the
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key human needs. And the problem of inequality within parent-child relationships is solved in the simplest and most effective way. The only possible way is distance. That is, the child does not fully share their life with their parents. Meaning they don't
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talk about certain things happening to them, so that the parent doesn't worry unnecessarily, or doesn't mess with their head for no reason. And so they don't feel that sensation of being looked down upon. The parent, in turn, does exactly the same thing. Regardless
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of what kind of relationship a person has with their parents—bad, good, friendly, the best, or the worst—the parent always remains the parent, the child always remains the child, and the inequality is conditioned by the very fact of birth, which, in turn, is fixed
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by distance. This is also called by the fancy word "separation." Accordingly, any other unequal relationships will work in this same image and likeness.
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That is, the person who occupies a higher position automatically becomes the parent. The person who occupies a lower position automatically becomes the child.
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You are the child. Why? If she likes the same pretentious nonsense as you, it doesn't mean you are soulmates.
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How come? As a result, the following picture emerges: outside of parent-child relationships, any other unequal relationships strive for convergence, for intimacy, for correspondence, in order to eliminate this problem of inequality. And growth has occurred. And the irony here is
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that it is precisely through convergence that a fact, which wasn't obvious from the start, becomes apparent: there is a discrepancy and there is inequality, but it was hidden by this very "match." We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now.
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Sid from the Sex Pistols. He stabbed Nancy seven times with a kitchen knife. We've been fighting, but I'm hardly Sid Vicious.
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No, I'm the one who's Sid. That means I'm Nancy. And due to the convergence, the relationship doesn't go up, it goes down. And in the case where the inequality is not resolved, that is, if no growth occurs, then this inequality
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be
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But relationships that were built on rapid and intense convergence and intimacy cannot survive distance. And this brings the graph of these relationships to zero and, in essence, constitutes a change in the format of the relationship.
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Tom, don't leave, let's just be friends . Ah, but unfortunately, these relationships aren't adapted to that format. And consequently, the relationships either end or are, at the very least, well, a disappointment.
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So, in the case where growth occurs, the original format of the relationship also shifts from unequal to equal, and this is achieved not through the crutch of distancing, as it is between parent and child. In any equal relationship
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there is distance, but it is a distance between equals, not like in the previous case. In the end, regardless, these relationships wind up at zero on the graph, and you have to start all over again. And in a sense, this will
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also be a "dis-illusionment"—losing the initial illusion. Well, I’ll get going. Believe me, I’m glad you’re doing well.
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Samor, I hope you'll be happy with him. The only unequal relationships that are the most reliable, long-lasting, lifelong relationships are those between a parent and a child. Even if everyone in these relationships are jerks and no one talks to anyone for 45
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years, these relationships are eternal, unlike all other unequal relationships, which will inevitably end in fiasco.
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However, there is one nuance to this whole story. From my speech, one might get the impression that I’m telling you these relationships are somehow bad , that you shouldn't enter into them, and generally shouldn't have anything to do with them. Actually, no. Quite
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the contrary. These are super cool, fun , rich, dynamic, dramatic, and every possible positive and negative epithet for relationships, in which one can truly grow, but even if you don't grow, you can at least have a good time and
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gain experience. In essence, the only problem with such relationships is that they are unreliable and ultimately disappointing for everyone. But if from the very beginning you don't delude yourself and understand what is actually happening, like, yeah, and, well, not so much being prepared, just
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at least not putting all your eggs in one basket. I mean, for example, if we’re talking about friendships, if I get a new friend who I’m suddenly inseparable with, and I blow off all my other relationships or my woman, well,
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that's definitely a dubious ten out of ten. It’s alarming. But on the whole, these relationships are fun, cool, lively, and an integral part of life or certain periods. And, accordingly, things are mirrored when it comes to equal relationships. They
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start at the zero point. And as time passes, with the amount of interaction, the time spent, the amount of shared emotions, feelings, sensations, and experience, these relationships strengthen, but they do not grow.
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Actually, the words growth and development are applicable to a person. And only for that reason we use these words in the context of relationships, to which, in essence, these words are not really applicable. Relationships either exist or they don't.
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Relationships can simply be different. If we talk about equal relationships, then in equal relationships there is initially a certain level of distance, but in this case it is better to use the word boundaries, which will always be maintained. Meaning, nobody invades
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anyone else's life. Everyone is busy with their own life and shares it with the other. These relationships are not that bright, not that intense, not that dynamic. These relationships are super stable, like the number of my subscribers on YouTube. These
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relationships do not pursue any other or additional goal, other than simply socializing and spending time together.
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That's it. Someone might meet up, I don't know, once a week, someone once every two weeks, someone once a month, someone once every six months, someone I meet, damn it, once a year consistently. Do you understand? And these relationships are super stable,
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super even, super reliable. And the point of this speech is that for some reason, well, for understandable reasons of course, one way or another, people value these smooth, equal, stable, reliable relationships much less than all these passions of Christ.
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Mary Magdalene, she hates what I eat. She loves me and hates me at the same time. I am never home. I am always traveling with friends. I never take her with me. And all that. I don't think I need to talk about all that.
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Will you make me a sandwich? Although exactly such relationships, if you just participate in them, you don't have to do anything else. There is no growth there. There, roughly speaking, within the framework of the relationship nothing happens and, damn it, nothing
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can happen. These relationships simply exist. It is these relationships that will last through your whole damn life.
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Anyway, I just don't know how to end this anymore, so I'm just piling everything I have into a heap. There is one nuance in this whole speech, or rather, a second one. That is equal romantic relationships, but we need to
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talk about that separately because there are certain complexities, problems, nuances, and everything else there. But there will be another separate video about that specifically regarding bio-problems. And that is all , gentlemen. Sign up for a consultation , you need to write to me on VK or
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Telegram. Subscribe to Boosty, where reactions and some videos are released steadily and constantly. For instance, I did a review on a blogger's work.
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Kind of a weak spoiler. There’s LEGO, posts, and all the other resources where I am and I’m on equal footing with you. Do you get it? Yeah, I don’t really need anything from you.
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Well, okay, I need your subscriptions. Look, sorry, it’s a job, kind of, but in general, if not for the world I live in, I would just, honestly, [ __ ] all this whole hustle. You you don’t get You have no idea. You have no idea.
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Working, sitting here for likes and subscriptions is, of course, my ultimate dream, [ __ ]. You understand, this is exactly what I, [ __ ], have been striving for my whole life. For people to, [ __ ], click their mouse on what I,
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[ __ ], have made. Oh, [ __ ]. Good luck.
Topics:relationshipsequalityinequalityparent-child dynamicspsychologydifferentiationrelationship adviceemotional growthboundariesrelationship failure
