Chris Rock – How not to get your ass kicked by the poli… — Transcript

People in the Black community, myself included, often worry that we might be a victim of police brutality. So, as a public service, The Chris Rock Show proudly presents this educational video. Have you ever been face to face with a police officer and wondered, "Is he about to kick my ass?" Well, wonder no more. If you follow these easy tips, you'll be fine. First, obey the law.

Laws were made for a reason. Think of them as hints. You've heard people say, "Man, I wouldn't do that if I was you." Well, here's some of that. Carjacking, armed robbery, arson, selling drugs, buying drugs, stabbing,

shooting. You know, you probably won't get your ass kicked if you just use common sense. If you jump a subway turnstile, you might just get off with a warning from the police. But if you jump a turnstile carrying a loaded gun and

smoking a joint, then maybe you need your ass kicked. We all know what happened to Rodney King, but Rodney wouldn't have got his ass kicked if he had just followed this simple tip. When you see flashing police lights

in your mirror, stop immediately. Everybody knows if the police have to come and get you, they're bringing an ass kicking with you.

Forget the police coming straight from the underground. Here's a no-brainer. If you're listening to loud rap music, turn that off. Blasting "Fuck the police" while you're getting pulled over by the police is just

ignorant. When an officer approaches your car, be polite. "Is there a problem, officer?" And stay in your car with your hands on the wheel. "What the fuck do you want?" Unless you want your—

Want to give a friend a ride? Not so fast. Your friend might be crazy. Now, before you let your friend in your car, ask them these questions.

Do you have a gun? Do you have drugs? Do you have any warrants? And in case you do get pulled over by the cops, license and registration, please remind your friend to do this one thing. Shut the fuck up, man. Don't give him

"What the fuck you want?"

Come on. If you have to give a friend a ride, get a white friend.

A white friend can be the difference between a ticket and a bullet in the ass. Here's a tip you should never forget. If your woman is mad at you, leave her at home. Because a mad woman will say anything. "He got weed. He got weed."

If your woman is mad at you, there's nothing she'd like to see more than you getting your ass kicked. That's right.

Now, let's review. Obey the law. Use common sense. Stop immediately. Turn that off. Be polite. Shut the fuck up. Get a white friend. And last but not least, don't ride with a mad woman.