Speaker A
Channel One Production* * — Это не производство Первого канала; Первый канал — один из основных пропагандистских телеканалов в России. Стендап-спешл Ильи Соболева. Это Илья Соболев.
Стендап-концерт Ильи Соболева с юмором о браке, знакомствах и современной жизни в России.
Key Takeaways
- Брак меняет поведение и отношение мужчин к романтике и флирту.
- Современные знакомства сильно отличаются от прошлых, теперь они преимущественно онлайн.
- Юмор помогает осмыслить бытовые и социальные изменения в жизни россиян.
- Илья Соболев использует личный опыт для создания близких и смешных сценок.
- Технологии и изобилие товаров влияют на восприятие и поведение людей.
What the video covers
- Илья Соболев открывает стендап-шоу с оригинальным вступлением, высмеивая телевизионные клише.
- Комик обсуждает темы брака, отношений и длительности совместной жизни с юмористическими наблюдениями.
- Рассказ о том, как изменились знакомства и флирт в эпоху онлайн-приложений и социальных сетей.
- Юмор о бытовых ситуациях, семейной жизни и утрате мужских навыков флирта после брака.
- Сравнение прошлого и настоящего в контексте романтики, гитар и уличных знакомств.
- Илья шутит о современных технологиях, таких как телепортеры, и их влиянии на отношения.
- Затрагиваются темы повседневной жизни, магазинов, изобилия товаров и их влияния на людей.
- Комик делится личными наблюдениями и смешными историями из жизни, вызывая отклик у аудитории.
Chapters
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
И, как и любой другой стендап, он записывает вступление для своего стендап-спешла. «Стендап не для ТВ». И, как и любой другой стендап, он записывает вступление для своего стендап-спешла.
Speaker A
И, как и любой другой стендап, он записывает вступление для своего стендап-спешла. Луи Си Кей делал это так, будто с ним разговаривает голос.
Speaker A
Кевин Харт бегал, как Джеймс Бонд. Данила Поперечный не записывал видео, но у него был хор, который пел. И это здорово.
Speaker A
Вступление должно быть интересным. И оригинальным. В главной роли: Илья Соболев. Вступление должно быть интересным. И оригинальным.
Speaker A
В главной роли: Илья Соболев. Вот почему он пригласил меня — В главной роли: Илья Соболев. В главной роли: Илья Соболев — актрису из Большого театра. В главной роли: Илья Соболев. Чтобы я говорил вам такие слова.
Speaker A
Написано Ильей Соболевым. Видео уже идет. Вот он. Написано Ильей Соболевым. И я хотел бы добавить, что наши телевизоры посылают нам лучи. Написано Ильей Соболевым.
Speaker A
Написано Ильей Соболевым. Так что спите, положив ноги на север, чтобы не попасть под гипноз. Тогда лучи бессильны. Написано Ильей Соболевым.
Speaker A
Так что спите, положив ноги на север, чтобы не попасть под гипноз. Тогда лучи бессильны.
Speaker A
Кроме того, у каждого на лбу есть число зверя — 666. Я против микрочипирования.
Speaker A
Кроме того, моя мама могла летать. <i>— Хватит.</i> — Может, без вступления? <i>— Да, без вступления.</i> Есть здесь пары?
Speaker A
Я имею в виду пары. Муж и жена... <i>— Да!</i> Вот пара, там пара, еще одна...
Speaker A
Ты один? Вы вместе? Поссорились и все такое? Почему вы?.. <i>— Они в свитерах!</i> О, они оба в свитерах! Если они соприкоснутся плечами, их убьет током в 340 вольт...
Speaker A
Будет огромный электрический взрыв, и появятся три Энрике. Расистские шутки — извините...
Speaker A
Как долго вы вместе? Ну, я имею в виду... Все это... Женаты 12 лет?
Speaker A
Вы знакомы 12 лет? 13 лет? А как долго женаты?
Speaker A
Но женаты всего год. <i>— Один месяц!</i> Один месяц брака? Черт, ты так долго с ней трахался...
Speaker A
13 лет! — Так когда? Сегодня? — Завтра! Давай завтра... Это был 2000 год...
Speaker A
Ты его втянула в это? О, ты была против? Ты говорила: «Нет, нет, нет!»?
Speaker A
Ты такой неудачник! Дай пять! Шучу. Это круто. Есть женатые пары? Ты? Как долго?
Speaker A
Женаты 2 года? Хорошо, а вы? 4 года... <i>— 8!</i> Женаты 8 лет? <i>— 5 лет! И 3 года на подготовку...</i> Подготовка? <i>— Три года.</i> «Нужно все хорошо вымыть!» — Что вы делаете? — Мы готовимся, мама! Ты знаешь...
Speaker A
Кто знает, что будет? Это действительно здорово. Вы пример молодой семьи — 1 год — это ничего. А вы?
Speaker A
8 лет, да? Я женат 7 лет. И вот что я понял за это время.
Speaker A
После 7 лет мужчина становится таким расслабленным... Я имею в виду... Мы перестаем прилагать усилия, чтобы получить от тебя секс.
Speaker A
Мы не водим тебя в кино или ресторан, не угрожаем ножом...
Speaker A
Мы... Мы... Ты приходишь домой, заглядываешь под одеяло — блин, ужин подан!
Speaker A
Ты заглядываешь туда, и все твое, знаешь, все... Приятного аппетита, знаешь?
Speaker A
Она лежит там, вся теплая, в флисовой пижаме... Ты смотришь на это и думаешь: «Надеюсь, она не проснется...
Speaker A
Черт... И день будет готов.» Ты ползешь прочь... Класть что-то там, типа мешка с картошкой на ее спину... «Пусть думает, что это я.» Все, что я хочу сказать, после этих 7 лет я понял, что...
Speaker A
Я полностью потерял хватку. Забыл, как знакомиться с женщинами... Не то чтобы мне это сейчас нужно. Но!
Speaker A
Если жена уйдет от меня, первые 4 месяца я буду флиртовать, как идиот.
Speaker A
Я забыл, как это делается! Не помню! Знаю, нужна особая поза, какой-то голос, какие-то фразы...
Speaker A
Что мне говорить? Не знаю! Я бы подошел к ней и спросил: Как это сейчас делается? «Ты постираешь мое пальто?» Что мне говорить? Чтобы они...
Speaker A
Я полностью потерял... У меня было столько приемов с женщинами! Черт... Знаешь, сколько у меня было женщин до брака?
Speaker A
Черт возьми... 4! И... Это может быть мало! А может, и много! Спорить не будем. Но для этого парня это офигенное число!
Speaker A
И за это время я все потерял... У меня были свои ходы! У меня был потрясающий взгляд Соболя! Он просто ошеломлял...
Speaker A
Хочешь увидеть? Мой взгляд! Он был... Ты готов? Черт, я не использовал его 7 лет — черт возьми! Смотри!
Speaker A
Ты сейчас смеешься — а раньше это работало. Никто не снимал трусы... <i>(мужской голос) — Работало!</i> Бро, это работало, да?
Speaker A
Нет, теперь это бесполезно. Раньше было так: девушки купаются в озере, я смотрю на них этим взглядом...
Speaker A
Черт, БАХ! В озере стало воды гораздо больше. Вот так! В озере! Я 7 лет вне игры. Я ничего не понимаю, что сейчас происходит...
Speaker A
Боря! Я совсем не понимаю, что сейчас происходит. Я имею в виду, как сейчас знакомятся?
Speaker A
Как парни в основном знакомятся с девушками сейчас? Онлайн, да? <i>— Да!</i> Разные приложения, да?
Speaker A
Помню, раньше девушек в интернете не было. Были доклады по книгам. Помнишь те времена?
Speaker A
Но потом девушки: «Идите к черту с вашими докладами! Это наша территория!» Мы раньше знакомились... Теперь у всех есть страницы в профиле, да? Ты просто читаешь профиль девушки, чтобы узнать ее.
Speaker A
Типа: «Любимый автор — Дэн Браун.» И ты такой: «О, она умная.» «Любимый автор песен: Пол Маккартни», «Телешоу: только с Якубовичем*.» <i>* — Очень известный российский телеведущий, ведет российскую версию "Колеса фортуны".</i> Или «Анал — это круто.» Знаешь...
Speaker A
Знаешь... Ты знаешь о ней все. У нас не было страниц в профиле. Был День города! В День города...
Speaker A
Я выходил на День города... Черт, это было здорово! Я жил в Красноярске. Все в чистой одежде. Представь — у всех чистая одежда!
Speaker A
Как будто ты в рекламе майонеза. Все! Все куда-то идут... У нас не было профилей! Мы подходили и спрашивали: «Любимый автор?!» Она такая: «Bud Light!» А ты такой: «Вот что я люблю читать!» Профилей не было. Мы смотрели на футболки.
Speaker A
Если видишь девушку в чистой красивой футболке, значит она подходит для брака.
Speaker A
Если видишь футболку, вся в блевотине... Рвота стекает по штанине...
Speaker A
Это значит, что вы скоро будете целоваться. Наверное, через час. Если видишь торчащие сиськи, огромный живот...
Speaker A
Это парень идет без футболки. И ты такой: «Окей.» Ты не нашел девушку, но нашел своего папу. Знаешь...
Speaker A
Он куда-то ушел, а теперь он здесь. Помню, когда я был маленьким...
Speaker A
Помню времена, когда гитара была необходима, чтобы показать девушке, что ты романтик.
Speaker A
Парни сейчас играют на гитаре для девушек? <i>— Да, играют, да!</i> Серьезно? Сейчас играют на гитаре?
Speaker A
Где это происходит? <i>— Я работаю в этой сфере...</i> Ты работаешь с гитарами?
Speaker A
Конечно, играют, дорогая. Это сфера. Это как: — Я работаю на ветреной стороне здания.
Speaker A
— Там есть ветер? — Да, есть. Да, ветер есть. — Я работаю в подвале!
Speaker A
— Тебя беспокоит солнце? — Мы не видим солнца... Вот так, гитары! И помню, когда я был ребенком в Красноярске, я слушал из окна, как старшие ребята с гитарой, типа...
Speaker A
♪ «Небо голубое...»♪ Там девушки... ♪ «Город из золота...»♪ Сегодня он трахает гитару, да?
Speaker A
Романтично, да? Будущее будет другим. У нас были гитары... Будущее будет таким: у нас будут специальные телепортеры...
Speaker A
Ты знакомишься с девушкой онлайн, и не нужно ехать в другой город. Включаешь телепортер...
Speaker A
Ты кладешь руку в него, рука выходит на другом конце страны, и ты касаешься...
Speaker A
You're like: “Excuse me, can you put out your boobs over here?” She's like: “I can't! One of them got almost torn off!
Speaker A
They almost dragged it to their construction site.” “Oh, look, it's coming here! <i>(stereotypical migrant worker's accent)</i> Grab it, put it in our laghman and fucking cook it!” I realized that I kind of lost that skill...
Speaker A
You know, that skill of... Flirting. But I don't want to have it! I love my wife, I don't like cheating. But...
Speaker A
No, not that I don't like it! I reject it! Shit, I mean... Fuck! No-no-no.
Speaker A
Fuck it, I'll just edit this out. All in all, that skill is very important.
Speaker A
I think every man who's been married for a long time — you've been for 8 years... You need to know that you still got it.
Speaker A
But you don't let it happen. You just need to practice mentally. This is how it's done.
Speaker A
Your wife and kids are asleep, you get up... You go to the kitchen, you put on a full-body suit like what Deadpool has, so that you couldn't be recognized.
Speaker A
You get in the car, some awesome fucking car... You, name a fucking awesome car.
Speaker A
Toyota RAV4! Let's take that one! You drive to the club, you meet a woman, you get her drunk, then you go to the hotel...
Speaker A
You both take a shower, she's naked in front of you... Completely naked! She has her legs spread...
Speaker A
You take off your pants, you took a shower as well... She's like: — Come on!
Speaker A
You're like: — So, we're going to fuck now, am I right? — Yeah, yeah, let's do it, right now. Fuck me!
Speaker A
— So, I can fuck you right now? Me fucking you? Right? — Yeah, fuck me! I'm lying here fucking naked...
Speaker A
Am I showing you skin tags? Come on! Bang me! Penetrate me! — I'm gonna put my dick in that, am I correct? A sex act is going to happen. We will fuck, am I right?
Speaker A
— Yes, yes! You were fucking begging at the club, on your knees, crying! You promised 3 grand!
Speaker A
I thought: “Okay, a nice bonus to my retirement benefits! Why not go?” — Excellent, that's what I needed. Sobol still got it!
Speaker A
Fucking BANG — a smoke grenade! That's it! And I leave, I go home... I didn't cheat on anybody, but deep inside I know — still got it. I still can.
Speaker A
It seems like... Like women give us some weird-ass injections... “Anti-Flirt”. And fellas, we just can't... Married guys simply cannot flirt.
Speaker A
I even know when they do that. We go to bed at night, you know...
Speaker A
She's sticking out her butt, she turns, like: “Cuddle me!” And you're like: “I will!” You get closer, you're holding her butt...
Speaker A
She's lying like that, right? Holding a syringe with some fucking... Poof! Into your neck. Right?
Speaker A
You get up like: “You're my only love!” And that's it! Are you married? Not married, right?
Speaker A
Well then, Borya, you're still in the know, right? You're able to... Are you in the know?
Speaker A
Is this your girlfriend? Nice. — Are you in the know, Borya? — I am. I mean, what? I don't know!
Speaker A
What do I know? I know about bankruptcies... Why you ask? You're gonna get it at home, right?
Speaker A
— The fuck do you “know”? “Borya, my pussy has debts! Help me!” You mean that, right?
Speaker A
She fucking needs 300,000 dicks! “I can help with that! I'm Borya!” Who knows! We don't know.
Speaker A
This is when I realized this: I was doing a show in Russia, somewhere up north...
Speaker A
Some town, something like... Dickheadsnorthsville! Something like that. Without “-northsville”. So... There's a big hill there. And...
Speaker A
They make cheese there. So... And in that town... There's no cell signal there. And I was staying overnight there.
Speaker A
So I could do whatever I wanted. There's no signal, all the hotels are empty, everything is cheap...
Speaker A
I got paid for the gig. In condoms. I'm just... I go outside, I have 3 rubbers here, just like...
Speaker A
And a girl comes up. And I'm getting some sort of flirting vibes from her.
Speaker A
She's wearing a crop top, a skirt... That was in December. She's fucking freezing! But she...
Speaker A
She's making some sort of advances towards me. And she says: “What are you doing after the show?” “I'm gonna be drinking champagne with you.” That's what you gotta say to keep things going, right?
Speaker A
But I've been married for 7 years. I don't know what to say to them! I don't!
Speaker A
So I go: “Me? I'm gonna be skyping with kids.” Who will fuck you after that? Who?
Speaker A
Your wife? Her mom? But not someone who... Not someone who's outside the family! I corrected myself: “I'M GONNA BE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE WITH YOU!” But I said it later, in a cab. The cab driver was like: “I'm not fucking interested.
Speaker A
Champagne gives me a headache. Wine, on the other hand... I get 5 stars in that regard, if you know what I mean!” I've been married for 7 years. I completely forgot how to flirt.
Speaker A
But there are single people who... Single guys! I don't know what they say to chicks...
Speaker A
I have a friend, he's 38 years old. And he's ugly as fuck! Ugly! His face is like cabbage. Imagine that.
Speaker A
It's fucking round... His neck is like a cabbage stalk. You look at him and you wanna fucking tear off a leaf, and another one...
Speaker A
Maybe there's something handsome there? No! Everything is veiny, the veins are pulsing... He has chicks every day! He just comes up like: Whispering in her ear...
Speaker A
“Let's go!” And they are leaving somewhere! Are there any single guys here? What do you say to a woman to make her come home with you?
Speaker A
“It depends”? Like: “I will let your family go if you go to my place right now”.
Speaker A
“I'm Mark Tishman*, I drive a Lada Niva**”. What do you say? <i>* — Russian singer ** — an affordable Russian SUV</i> That said, my wife is very jealous.
Speaker A
I say to her: “Natasha, I'm hopeless. I'm completely...” Hopeless. Really hopeless. If you throw me in a pool full of naked single women... And I'm naked!
Speaker A
With fucking water wings... I would be swimming naked... And chicks are above me, underwater, standing on each other...
Speaker A
I would hit their faces with this thing... I would get out, and it would be dry.
Speaker A
Completely. As if someone was blow-drying it for an hour. I have a tiny hair drier.
Speaker A
And a hole in my pocket. “Nothing happened!” Are you jealous? Do you get jealous? You had 8 years of marriage. What's the girl's name?
Speaker A
Lina. And what's your man's name? <i>— Anton.</i> Anton! If Anton goes away somewhere and is not picking up the phone...
Speaker A
<i>— Well then he's having a good time there.</i> Goddamn! But he doesn't go anywhere, am I right?
Speaker A
“Anton works from home! He's a designer. He doesn't leave the house. I look in the other room — there he is! Having a good time.
Speaker A
He has always picked up? During 8 years? <i>— Well, yeah.</i> That's wild! That's awesome.
Speaker A
Let's have a round of applause! That's great — always picking up the phone. Are you a tailor by any chance?
Speaker A
I mean, how do you sew his dick back on... — I'm leaving. If I don't pick up... — Then you're having a good time, I know.
Speaker A
— I'll be back. I'll come back for you... I don't know, I think women worry... Do you worry when your handsome guy is not picking up?
Speaker A
No? You don't worry as well? Okay. I thought that women always have... He's not picking up!
Speaker A
And in your head you have like: <i>(sound of an alarm going off)</i> “He's fucking some skank behind the dumpster!” Even in your fantasies you can't imagine her being better than you, right?
Speaker A
“That slut has huge herpes on her face! He's bonking her with a bag on her head!” My wife gets jealous, and she's always... I think she's spying on me, because...
Speaker A
Like, I'm sitting in a hotel for a long time. For like 4 hours. I'm staying in, nobody's calling me.
Speaker A
I'm starting to leave and... “What's up? Where are you? Are you going somewhere? Who's there? How are you?” I think she bugged be.
Speaker A
I even know where it is. It's near the balls. Right here. Otherwise why is she always poking around there...
Speaker A
She's constantly rummaging in there! I don't intervene, I'm like: “Okay, do your thing!” I'm afraid to spook her! All those wires and shit, she'll fucking rip something...
Speaker A
I'll have to solder stuff... She's moving her hands like, pulling things... “Fine!” And she's listening in right now.
Speaker A
She'll get jealous! She'll hear your laugh and it's fucking over. Can you say “I don't like him”? Say it in here!
Speaker A
Natasha, there are no women here! No women! I mean, many women really don't get jealous, but guys often exploit that.
Speaker A
I was doing a show in some city, and I asked if there were any couples there.
Speaker A
A young woman raises her hand and goes: “Yeah, I'm married!” But she's alone. And I ask: “Well, where's your guy?” And all my jokes are weird, and... All shit jokes...
Speaker A
“Ha, he got food poisoning! He's having the runs!” She says: “No, he's in Chechnya.” I go: “In Chechnya? What's going on there?” She's like: “He's deployed, there's a war going on.” I'm like: “THAT'S how he's bullshitting you!” Imagine that!
Speaker A
That is a top-tier move! He said there's a war going on! You got that?
Speaker A
— I'm going to war! — Okay, fine. Let that sink in! He comes back with hickeys... — What happened?
Speaker A
Those damned whore bombs! I'll explain... A big whore, er... A whore-bomber is flying over!
Speaker A
Whores, landing on our regiment, at night! We're fucking lying bare-ass in our barracks... It's a fucking bloodbath!
Speaker A
They're coming! I get the first one! I've got no bayonet, no shovel — nothing!
Speaker A
I fucking hit them in the throat... We made it. The second operation is tomorrow. I'm going...
Speaker A
That said, whey my wife calls me and... What's wrong? You spaced out... “You went to war yesterday...” We put your guy on blast! Your action hero...
Speaker A
A Purple Cunt! Right here! “”Vagina” A Purple Cunt! Right here! A Purple Cunt! Right here!
Speaker A
The Anal Forces! Right there! A loving husband always tells the truth. I do too.
Speaker A
But sometimes truth can be scary. That's why you always... Like, you're in a restaurant with someone.
Speaker A
You always tell the truth, but you water it down not to scare your wife.
Speaker A
Wife calls me: “Who are you with?” And I have to tell her in a way so that she doesn't think there are women here or something can happen.
Speaker A
I say: “There are no women here. Denis is here, Andrey is here with his son...
Speaker A
He didn't bring his daughter! Just an all-guy group.“ And I list people who are a guarantee that nothing's gonna happen.
Speaker A
I say: “There's gay Denis, Petya, Sasha, Andrey... They've got dicks in their asses... A big penis centipede is sitting on a bench. Don't you worry! Nothing's gonna happen”.
Speaker A
I go to extremes and like: “Archangel Andrey is here! There's a guy from a TV show “Fidelity”...
Speaker A
The fucking creator of love is here... Cool guys! A nice company. What are we eating?
Speaker A
Garlic. We're eating garlic. We ordered a garlic stew. A huge garlic ham hock. Yeah.
Speaker A
Where? In a tree! We're sitting in a fucking tree. We're dirty, we stink... A woman comes up, and we throw rocks at her — just like you asked. Of course!” And she goes: “Okay then, honey, I'm going to bed. I'm good, that's great.”
Speaker A
Right? And we jump into the pool: “Hey, bitches!” But he's dry. Always. In this regard it's often like...
Speaker A
Couples often... Here no one has ever cheated, right? Have any of the people you know cheated?
Speaker A
Right? What was his name? That bastard... Anyway... Why does it happen, why do women get jealous? A lot of guys really do lie. They really do cheat.
Speaker A
<i>— Assholes!</i> I completely agree, bro. And a girl can take care of herself in this regard. We have prenups now. It's a common thing these days.
Speaker A
Right? Borya, you as a, you know... As a lawyer. Does it happen often? People marry with...
Speaker A
Not that often? Gotta be more often. Because when you have a prenup, in case of infidelity, if you break up because of your behavior, your awful deed...
Speaker A
Your husband called? “Honey, I'm at war... Don't use the Find My iPhone feature. A sauna will show up, I'm sorry, but it's...
Speaker A
Those fucking whores put up jammers! They want to confuse us... Throw off our track, yes.
Speaker A
Yes. Yes, thank you. You can... I'll see you in an hour.” So anyway... Cheating.
Speaker A
I think prenups should be arranged more often, because in case of true infidelity the woman will take half of all acquired property.
Speaker A
There's that thing now with an athlete, a football player... What's his name? Not Kokorin.
Speaker A
<i>— Glushakov.</i> Fucking Glushakov! She's not gonna get shit. He wants 80 grand from <i>her</i>.
Speaker A
By the law the woman will immediately take half! So you'll know that if you have 4 apartments in Moscow, you'll stand there realizing that this mouth might cost you 20 million!
Speaker A
So you're like: “Seryozha*, not today! * — a man's name Andrey, let's put this on hold!” Sure, if you have a studio apartment in Smolensk, you're like: “Shit, we're rolling the dice!
Speaker A
Let's roll the dice!” Why does this happen? Why do people do this? There are different reasons...
Speaker A
Different versions on why guys start doing this crap. I think guys often become bored and spoiled. Right?
Speaker A
You don't think so? There's everything these days. So much different sex, everything's available, all types of drugs, all types of alcohol...
Speaker A
The person goes nuts because of that and just starts... Doing everything. I mean... Who's the most mature here? Alyosha, how old are you?
Speaker A
There you go! Do you remember 2000s? Remember that? You go to a store, and there's only birch bark there.
Speaker A
— Is it fresh? — It is! Buy it! — Is that clothes or food? — Doesn't matter! We use it both ways.
Speaker A
These days you go to a store... It's bonkers! So much choice! So many stores, so many goods...
Speaker A
I mean, even grocery carts! Have you seen those? I push them like this! So many fucking groceries!
Speaker A
If you turn one cart upside down, it's a prison for 20 midgets. There's so many groceries, in 15 minutes you push it to checkout like this: (screams) You push it!
Speaker A
You come up and like: “Sweetheart, I got only the first line of the shopping list.
Speaker A
Yeah, my hernia popped out... They sold it as a pomelo at checkout. Yeah, I didn't buy any fruit — let the kids suck on that one.
Speaker A
So many groceries! And they have kids' grocery carts! Carts for kids! Since when do these little shits have money?
Speaker A
Children are the poorest demographic! These tiny immature deadbeats who don't yet sweat... Poor people!
Speaker A
They go in groups to fucking nursery school... Discussing something... “A car!” Fuck your car! You're poor!
Speaker A
He's nothing! He has nothing. Shit, even if you say to him: “Kolya, Khabib's gonna win! During round 3 he's gonna fucking choke him out! Put money on it!” He'll say: “Don't have any.” Deadbeats!
Speaker A
If you see a little fucker running through a store with money, he either stole it or it's Tsekalo*. * — Russian producer, TV host, actor; he's very short And in today's world where there's everything, it's very hard for a kid who can't afford any of it.
Speaker A
He's walking around a store where there are toys, candy... He's walking around like: “I wanna buy all of this!” And his mom says: “No, we can only afford a chicken!” That's it.
Speaker A
And you're like: “When I grow up, I will buy ALL OF THIS!” It's like, guys... You know what, men will understand this.
Speaker A
It's like you go into a store where there are only vaginas. Imagine that. On every shelf! It's like a world of vaginas.
Speaker A
It's a Disney franchise. Fucking... Instead of a castle there's like a big one... And like... (blows raspberry) Like fireworks.
Speaker A
A giant vagina. The entrance is like: And you're walking around, and imagine — there are so many vaginas! Borya, you're old...
Speaker A
No, obviously he's... Okay, he's there with you! But he's looking at them! You're walking, and there are different ones there! Red ones, colorful ones for a celebration, big ones for a whole group of friends...
Speaker A
Little ones, like a fucking key fob... Fidgeting with it. And you're walking like: “I want... I want... I want ALL OF THEM!” But they say: “Pick only one!
Speaker A
For life! Pick one!” Before that you took 5, you had a rash. 3 of them you didn't even use. They're stinking in the fridge.
Speaker A
We made jam from them, grandfather ate it in the sauna. Pick one! You're thinking: “Which one?” And you see it: “Shit, I want THAT ONE!” It's beautiful! Like it's in the cast of “Comedy Woman”*! * — Russian comedy TV show with a female cast
Speaker A
You're like: “THIS ONE!” They're like: “It's expensive! You can't afford it. Take that one.” And it's a Chinese one...
Speaker A
It's all like, you know... There's a seam there, the glue is all dried up.
Speaker A
We all know that's not glue. You're walking with this vagina like... Through life. “When I grow up...
Speaker A
I'll be an adult! I'll be like 39 years old... I'll have all the vaginas of the world!” And eventually what? We live with the only one.
Speaker A
We look at every one! But we love and live with just one. That's important.
Speaker A
Overall, because there's such abundance in the stores... There really is too much nowadays! And these days it's really... Let's take Auchan*! * — a hypermarket chain Have you been to Auchan at night?
Speaker A
<i>— Yeah!</i> When there's nobody there! She calls me: “Buy some cookies!” No problem! You drive there, and you... You're walking...
Speaker A
I'm walking... Especially when you're alone, at like 3 a.m.! When the cashiers are all...
Speaker A
Well, okay... There's an apparel department there! That creepy place. Those fucking mannequins are standing there as if they're like: (screams) “Take this shit off!
Speaker A
(screams) I'm so embarrassed! (screams) I used to be a strap-on, and even that wasn't such a bummer!” You're walking there...
Speaker A
And I'm like... There's a sign there: “Cookies are here!” I'm walking, and there's a hallway there, and the lights there are like...
Speaker A
Like in a fucking Hitchcock movie! There are so many cookies, and it's like they stare at you from behind the bars at night and whisper something to you, like: (screeches) “Bonjour! My name is Qurabiya! I talk like this. We all have this voice where I'm from. (bad French-like accent)
Speaker A
I'm from the Kaluga suburbs, we have a fucked up environment there”. (screeches) “Yubileynoye” cookies are like: “Fuck, my face got crushed!
Speaker A
(screams) I'm in pain! BUY ME!” You're walking, those waffles are there... Wearing Auchan vests, putting up goods...
Speaker A
You see kvass in the middle of it: “Fuck, bro! Take me to my guys. They took marshmallows instead of me!
Speaker A
I'm so lonely. My mom thinks I'm in fucking okroshka already*! * — a cold soup made with kvass Bro, take me back!” You're passing by those cookies... But oatmeal cookies are the most hardcore. It's a beast!
Speaker A
It's fat, huge, with cracks on its face and a raisin in its skull... It's like: “Come here! (unintelligible) Take me and my guys with cereal and shit...
Speaker A
We and milk are gonna fuck you up tonight!” I really think that because of this abundance of everything, fruit and vegetables talk to us. Because...
Speaker A
Especially vegetables. You know, you bought some, put them in a bag... Like a zucchini! Imagine you bought a small zucchini. You put it in a fridge, and you don't eat it.
Speaker A
And you won't! It will rot and you'll throw it away. And poor vegetables are like: “Hey, they'll make a stew tomorrow!” Fuck you, no stew.
Speaker A
You open it and just stare. — Maybe some ratatouille today? — No, I'm going to a restaurant, sorry.
Speaker A
So they are lying there in this fucking pull-out thingy, this vegetable morgue... And they become really soft, they are worse and worse...
Speaker A
They are sitting there: “Maybe tonight?” In 4 days one of them got fucking soft... “Tonight?” And some medications from above are like: “Bro, it's fucking over!” They completely forgot about us!
Speaker A
I'm Panadol! 8 years ago, just after my expiry date, I could still cure. Now I'm fucked. You know what I am now? I fucking killed a traitor in Salisbury. You got that?
Speaker A
Those zucchinis are lying there day by day... “Bro, take some carrots! There they are!” But they are black swill now...
Speaker A
(blows raspberry) “I'm still quite good!” (blows raspberry) The zucchini's thinking: “I wish I rolled up to that single lady and not this fucker...” No, really! And most of all I feel bad for kefir. Kefir!
Speaker A
You buy some fresh kefir, right? You put it in the fridge. You don't drink it at all!
Speaker A
It's standing there puffing up: “(yells) Fuck!” And you open it... “Fuck, don't do it!” (blows raspberry) And you take it like...
Speaker A
It was so fucking happy when it was coming off the shelf! It's like: “Hey, sour cream, quark! GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Speaker A
They'll drink me TONIGHT!” (blows raspberry) Same with dicks. If you don't use it for a long time, right...
Speaker A
I'll explain! You've been waiting for 12 years — remember that period of time? It's just... And you finally take it, you just cut off all the soft black shit with a knife...
Speaker A
Yeah, it's getting smaller, but at least it's clean. Am I right? Or it puffs up like kefir.
Speaker A
“Tonight!” You haven't used it in 2 months. “Don't open it! DON'T JERK IT!” (blows raspberry) And people on the fucking bus are like: “Sir, what did you open?
Speaker A
Is it kefir?” These days we have everything. Everything! But you know what points to the fact that we live in a world where there's everything, but I think it's too much?
Speaker A
Toilet paper is now 3-ply. 3-ply! 4-ply? <i>— Yes!</i> Are you from the future? Really? 4-ply! That's the dumbest invention ever.
Speaker A
Wouldn't it be easier to make one ply, but thicker? Or don't press too hard! Look...
Speaker A
Shit, who's gonna be stopped by 4 plies? Me? No! These fingers! These... Fuck those plies! They tore through newspapers, magazines, leaves...
Speaker A
Once I almost broke through fiberboard. If there were no blood, I would've set a new record.
Speaker A
And now there's scented toilet paper! Excuse me, but it's such an area... Scents, really?
Speaker A
My cologne right here is gone in an hour. But there? Fuck... To make that area smell like apples... Even if you take a whole apple, shove it up there...
Speaker A
It won't smell like apples! You will have a funny walk... Besides, toilet paper is the most important and most necessary item in your house. Don't you agree?
Speaker A
Let's say you run out of rice. “What am I going to eat? Some porridge!
Speaker A
No porridge? Some pasta! No pasta? I'll wait till evening.” But with toilet paper? It's not like: “No paper? Okay, I'll wait till evening. I'll figure something out in the evening!” You're sitting like: “Shit, what will be toilet paper?
Speaker A
RIGHT NOW! What? A receipt? No! A scarf? No! A cat? A cat!” By the way, a cat is the most handy, look...
Speaker A
First off, there are different cats. Not every cat. Listen, you as someone who has something to do with animals can back me up on this.
Speaker A
The most inconvenient ones are those bald cats — sphynx cats. That's fucked up! It's like wiping with your hand or on your back... How do you wipe with it? It's slippery...
Speaker A
The best ones are good old Persian cats. Those fluffy fuckers! They have that fluffy fur that's perfect for the ass. You're like bang-bang-bang...
Speaker A
They have blunt-nosed faces so that you don't stifle them there... It's easy! If it got dirty, rinse it off in the sink.
Speaker A
One Persian kitten can be used as one roll of toilet paper. And when it's dirty, just fucking flush it down the toilet like a tube.
Speaker A
That's it. It's gone. I think that the abundance and huge amounts of everything make us bored and spoiled.
Speaker A
All the latest news with Kokorin and Mamaev*... * — Russian footballers who were detained after two drunken assaults Their salary was 15 million a month. Fuck!
Speaker A
They decided to entertain themselves... They had fun, right? Big time! On the other hand, I feel sorry for the fellas.
Speaker A
You have 15 million! They could just go to a small village and give all the villagers gold teeth. Everybody!
Speaker A
Everybody! They come there like: “How do you do!” People are like: “Shit, our masters!” Everybody: children, old women, fucking horses, sparrows...
Speaker A
Everybody has this gold shit. Now THAT'S fun! And all of this is a bad influence not only on us, but on politics and history worldwide.
Speaker A
This whole beef between Russia and America right now... It's fucking scary. “We've got nuclear this, nuclear that...” Everything is fucking nuclear in Russia.
Speaker A
All nouns are names for our fucking missiles! “Chair”, “Birch”, fucking... “Buratino”! Anything you know!
Speaker A
And if some sort of war does break out, it won't be like: “Today at 4 a. m., without any declaration of war, American soldiers moved out of Chicago towards Russia!” You're like: “Fucking great — we have 3 years.”
Speaker A
Today it will be like: “Literally 2 minutes ago... FUCK — missiles!” And that's it — it's all... (blows raspberry) And it's us, it's people who will need help — not animals.
Speaker A
Now is the time when a war is really unwelcome. Right now. Because we've just started to live well in Russia. We've just got to try and have so many things!
Speaker A
Only recently, about 2 years ago, we understood what a real and tasty steak is like.
Speaker A
Right? Those tasty things from Miratorg*. We just got those! * — Russian producer of ready-to-cook meat products And now it will go away?
Speaker A
Only a few years ago we've realized that making sushi at home is fucking bullshit.
Speaker A
It's scary! I mean, Stalin. Do you remember what Stalin started doing? He's been in charge for 25 years. And at some point he started having people shot for telling jokes about him.
Speaker A
Imagine if it was happening now. If nowadays a person who's the butt of the joke wanted to shoot you.
Speaker A
You're in your kitchen like: “Hey, here's a joke! A happy Kirkorov* is lying in bed with a smashed watermelon...” * — Russian pop singer And there's a knock on the door: (knocks) You open the door, and it's Kirkorov and Baskov*. “Why the fuck are you calling him a watermelon?” * — Russian singer; Kirkorov and Baskov did some songs together
Speaker A
Stalin executed people for jokes. I get it: a man had problems with self-mockery, so much power... But think about this!
Speaker A
Imagine: people were shot for telling jokes, so there were people who were shot for jokes.
Speaker A
How strong is your fucking need to tell a joke... To risk on such a...
Speaker A
I imagine an old guy in the kitchen: — LYUBA, COME HERE! — What's the matter? — I'M GONNA TELL A JOKE!
Speaker A
— About who, Kolya? — ABOUT HIM! — Shit, you can't do it, you fuckhead! Calm down!
Speaker A
— I'll take my chances. I practiced! I shoved my head in a cow's ass, told a joke to its guts...
Speaker A
I'll manage! Let's do it! Open the windows, invite the neighbors! Let's roll the dice!
Speaker A
— Fuck, Kolya... Don't do it! I'm begging you! — NO! Let's do it — I've made up my mind!
Speaker A
Here's the joke! Why is it that under Lenin people wore gumshoes, and under Stalin — knee-high boots?
Speaker A
— Kolya... For now it's unclear what you fucking mean by that... Stop it! They'll fuck you up.
Speaker A
— I'll take my chances! It's because... Get me my jacket — just in case!
Speaker A
It's because under Lenin Russia was ankle-deep in shit, but under Stalin shit was up to our knees!
Speaker A
— Kolya... You're a fuckhead! We know this joke! Our grandfather used to tell it!
Speaker A
Before he was shot. You were in the room, you fucking moron! I'm gonna tell you something — it's very important for guys to hear. Women will find it interesting also.
Speaker A
Every man's life is neatly divided into two parts by a certain moment. That moment when men start shaving their balls.
Speaker A
Yes. Everyone does it differently. At a different age. Some guys do it at 16: “I'LL TRY IT OUT!” Right?
Speaker A
Some do it at 25, some — at 47: “Maybe I'll start shaving? Maybe then I'll get laid!” Your churchdom won't allow it! No one's gonna get you laid!
Speaker A
You work here, shit... You know... And it's very hard for guys to do it.
Speaker A
Girls have it so easy, really! The Lord made you this way... You have fucking... It's all...
Speaker A
It's all smooth, fucking bang-bang... No, sometimes, when you gave birth to 5 people, you gotta...
Speaker A
What? It's pure biology, I'm not making this up. But for the most part it's smooth, right? It's perfectly streamlined. I mean...
Speaker A
If He wanted to have fun with you, he would've made your skin there like what a flying squirrel has here.
Speaker A
So that you: “Fuck! Where have I already fucking shaved? Lusya, come take a look!
Speaker A
Fuck me... Fucking hold it, please! But it would've been handy, of course. You would commute to work much faster and all that...
Speaker A
You climb up a 5-story building: “Here I go! Woo-hoo!” Right? Is it raining? Fucking boom — you cover yourself up...
Speaker A
Poor families don't have a trampoline: “Denis, hold it — let the kids jump for a bit!” Right? Roughly speaking.
Speaker A
But with guys it's... (sighs) It's very difficult. It's all so complicated there... No matter how you shave your balls, there's always one hair left.
Speaker A
As if when you're shaving, he hides behind a wrinkle, fucking bang... It's all gone, and he's like: (screams) — THE VILLAGE IS GONE!
Speaker A
MOMMY! Valera! Fuck! Where's the movie theater? WHERE ARE YOU? And the ass hair is like: — It's fine here! Stop yelling!
Speaker A
— IT'S FUCKING GONE TO SHIT HERE! There's nothing left! And after that that hair takes revenge. You've shaved your balls, you put on your pants and like: “Damn, it's itchy!” And it's that asshole! He's like: He's avenging the death of his relatives. And it happens every time.
Speaker A
You know, sometimes you meet a perfect guy: he's handsome as fuck, but there's this fucking thing in his nose...
Speaker A
And it's black! It's that hair from your nut. He gets over here and ruins that guy's life!
Speaker A
I'm serious. With that said, why do guys do this? To impress a new girl.
Speaker A
But for old ones... Right? You take it off, she's like: “What?..” You're like: “Shit, I'm busy...
Speaker A
It's fucking crazy at work... Let me just clear this out... Give me a hairpin...
Speaker A
— Where is your..? — It was here... It was here in the morning... There it is! Wait a sec...” I mean...
Speaker A
Ladies, you don't do that for other guys. You don't. I had it happen to me — no, not always.
Speaker A
<i>— It's for ourselves.</i> For ourselves? I don't know, I... I came up at a time when she fucking let herself go.
Speaker A
Really. That was before... Before I got married. We're at a club in Krasnoyarsk, we're all boom-boom...
Speaker A
Down her pants: “What do we have here...” FUCK! (screams) SHIT! Fuck, where is my watch?
Speaker A
Hey you! Come on, fucking...” And it's: (screeches) “Fuck! You bitch! Fuck, it's like picking berries...
Speaker A
There it is, shining... (screams) No, it's a fishing lure...” You're searching for your lost watch, your glove...
Speaker A
Yeah... When you're together, you're a couple... It's easier because you're always in touch! Personally, me and my wife plan this. Always.
Speaker A
So that there are no surprises. You're like... And it's... “Fuck...” I say to her: — When?
Speaker A
She says: — On the 19th. — What year? So that there are no surprises. “Oh, so good! So smooth!” And there we go. Right?
Speaker A
Do you have that? Do you... Not yet? “I'll come get you! After all, we're not married yet!” <i>— About 2 centimeters!</i> Oh, great. Right about this length, right?
Speaker A
You dig short hairstyles — I get it. When I write all these things... Everything I've said is true, but this particular bit...
Speaker A
I was writing it on the road. Often I don't have the time, so... And often when I'm writing someone is sitting next to me. And they are often peeking.
Speaker A
Sometimes it's so awkward! One time I was writing something, doing my best... And a guy is looking, like: “Man its...
Speaker A
Not funny.” Oh yeah? Okay then. Are you fucking Zoshchenko*? Who am I traveling with? * — Soviet author and satirist “Not funny!” That's what that guy said! I mean...
Speaker A
And for these wiseguys who are always peeking I write in a big font: “The fuck you're looking at?” And it really works!
Speaker A
You're typing, he's peeking, and it's: “The fuck you're looking at?” They're like: One time I was on the road, writing about balls...
Speaker A
And an old lady sits right next to me. She's so adorable! I won't type “The fuck you're looking at?”! It's too much!
Speaker A
I deleted that line. And I'm thinking: “She's won't peek.” I'm typing, and at one point I look over, and she's looking at the screen like that and reading.
Speaker A
And I wonder, what was she thinking? I mean really, what? Imagine: you board the train, a guy next to you is typing...
Speaker A
“Balls — they are... They're sometimes hard to shave. You know, one hair is hiding in wrinkles, and it's...
Speaker A
Women's labia — if they were like the skin of a bat...” Shit! She'll be thinking like: “Who is he?” I mean, obviously a lawyer...
Speaker A
An animal rights activist. That's fucked up! Yeah, maybe a diamond miner in Africa... Anyway, she left, and when she was leaving she gave me a note.
Speaker A
She gave me a note, like: “Read it at home.” I'm like: “Okay...” And she left.
Speaker A
Anyway, I come home, I open the note, and it says: “The fuck you're looking at?” Thank you very much for listening, guys. I'm very grateful, I really appreciate this.
Speaker A
I'm glad that you came to see the show. I've been writing this material for a long time.
Speaker A
<i>— Bravo!</i> Thank you. <i>— Bravo!</i> Before I leave, I want to tell you a true story that happened in Moscow.
Speaker A
This happened in Rublyovka* with a man who you know, but I'm not allowed to say who he is. * — high-end prestigious residential area outside Moscow with extremely expensive gated communities It's a true story, so listen very carefully.
Speaker A
So, this very rich old guy who lives in Rublyovka was dating and living with a girl. A beautiful young chink.
Speaker A
And often when we see these couples: an old rich guy and a chick... We're thinking, like... Is it love? Who knows what kind of relationship that is.
Speaker A
She wanted to be as close to his fortune as possible, so this is what she did.
Speaker A
When she was giving him a blowjob... <i>— What?</i> A blowjob, bro. A blowjob. A blowjob.
Speaker A
Got that? Tell him. But don't demonstrate! Anyway... She gave him a blowjob, he came in her mouth...
Speaker A
She spit it out into a condom and later impregnated herself with a douche. So this is for the guys.
Speaker A
If after such a thing the girl says: (unintelligibly) “I guess I'm gonna go home...
Speaker A
Yeah. I'm going home. No, no-no — no champagne. I'm fine. Yeah, it's okay, it's okay.
Speaker A
I'm gonna take a walk... Don't make me laugh! Stop shaking me! Stop it! Okay bye.” That means you'll be a dad soon. And that's... That's great.
Speaker A
Thank you very much! I really enjoyed the show. And as I was saying, the Black Lord will come for every one of us.
Speaker A
THE END
Topics:Илья Соболевстендапкомедиябракотношениязнакомствафлиртроссийский юморсовременная жизньонлайн знакомства
