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over the 58 years that I've lived I can look back and I can say this is how I deal with fear this is these are the things I say to myself when I need to pick myself up this is
Michelle Obama discusses fear, self-doubt, and self-kindness while promoting her book The Light We Carry, drawing on pandemic-era reflections and personal stories.
Key Takeaways
- Self-kindness and self-affirmation are practices that must be built deliberately, especially for women facing societal pressure.
- External validation from loved ones helps but cannot replace one's own belief in oneself.
- Fear of change is natural, but pushing through it is where growth and possibility lie.
- Sharing personal stories and vulnerability is more effective than prescriptive advice for connecting with people.
What the video covers
- Michelle Obama explains that she manages fear through self-talk, staying visible as a tall Black woman, and staying 'armored up' against attacks.
- Her book The Light We Carry was started during early COVID-19 quarantine, when she found herself struggling to stay hopeful amid national crises.
- She received many letters asking how to cope, prompting her to reflect on her own practices and conclude that one must first find their own light before sharing it.
- She discusses societal pressures on women regarding aging, appearance, and weight after childbirth, and how these messages affect her.
- She describes trying to replace self-criticism with self-affirmation, though she notes external affirmation from her husband is not always enough.
- She emphasizes that young people must learn self-love and do internal work rather than relying solely on others' validation.
- She recounts how Barack Obama's decision to run for president forced her to confront her fearful instinct to resist change.
- She argues that growth happens when people push past moments of fear and discomfort.
- She shares updates on her daughters Malia and Sasha, now living together as roommates, and the parental worry that persists after children leave home.
- She describes hobbies such as knitting and watching HGTV as ways to escape, and reflects on aging and menopause with gratitude.
Chapters
- 00:00Coping With Fear and Staying Visible
- 00:48Writing The Light We Carry During Covid
- 02:07Finding Your Own Light and Societal Pressures
- 04:12Self-Affirmation and Self-Love
- 05:33Confronting Fear of Change and Barack's Presidential Run
- 07:48Daughters Malia and Sasha Living Together
- 10:13Hobbies, Escapism, and Aging
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
how I stay visible in a world that doesn't necessarily see a tall black woman this is how I stay armored up when I'm attacked the book is that offering and it isn't meant to be a how-to guide It's
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really like becoming it's a series of stories and that's the only way I know how to be when I'm communicating with people is to be honest about myself first and try to stay vulnerable and I think people learn not through edict but
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through stories foreign [Music] critical Acclaim for her best-selling Memoir becoming former First Lady Michelle Obama is opening up again in her new book The Light we carry overcoming and uncertain times I started the process of this book at the early
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months of covid and quarantine we had just finished the becoming tour in that time period had come off of a 35-center Arena tour with people hugging and the environment and energy was profound and we were sharing and then it felt like
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the Lights Went Out and our world shut down and we were all at home watching essentially what felt like our country and our world unraveling the death tolls mounting you know violence the Insurrection um uh Health Care System crushed all of
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it and like a lot of people that that time alone in isolation I found my head spinning you know I found myself struggling to stay hopeful um and in the same time I was getting a lot of letters from people around the
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country I was talking to my own girls my own friends and I wasn't alone everybody was searching for some answers of how to cope and for some reason they were asking me what do you do um and I had to start thinking about
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that what what do I do how how do I manage what am I doing right now so the book is is the result of me kind of unwinding some of that for myself so that I could be of Aid in some way to
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others and what I found in that that process was that I had to start with me I had I had to find my own light in order to share it and that's where the title of the book comes from because we all have that
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light we all have things in our lives that either fuel our Flame or it snuffs it out these days I try to practice being kind um I I try it because it is a practice especially as women there are societal signals all around us
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telling us that there's something wrong with some part of us um we're supposed to age gracefully we're supposed to look be the same shape that we were when we were in our 20s after you know giving birth to two three
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kids that we're not supposed to go gray that when our face isn't supposed to wrinkle I mean it's not in our heads these messages are coming in they've been coming in our whole lives so the notion that we aren't affected by it you
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know and that I am not affected by it that's laughable I absolutely am I thought about what are the messages that I'm giving myself every day and how do I reverse that Trend how do I light up for
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myself first so today when I'm looking at the mirror I I still see what's wrong but I try to push those thoughts out and say wow you are healthy look at your skin look how happy you look your smile
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I try to find the things about me that I love and start my day a little more kind I get so many affirmations from my husband on a daily basis you were beautiful you were great you were smart
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but sometimes you block those out right I mean that's the battle that I am living with a man who loves me dearly who thinks that the sun rises and sets and he is clear and vocal about that and
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I get that affirmation every day but I have to be honest that sometimes that isn't enough because in the end the messages have to come from me I have to believe it myself and even when the person that I love tells me the opposite
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it's still it's the work I have to do inside and that's one of my major messages to young people you got to do that work on your own you got to love yourself got to practice that before you
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can expect other for you to believe it in other people when they tell you he was the first person to read the book he was the first person that I talked through the concept with the beauty of Barack Obama is that he he know he
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understands the world of women because he was raised by his grandmother his mother's sisters around him he's somebody that I can always go to um about these things he he knows that I've got the negative impulses that I'm
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hard on myself um that you know I that my first impulse is to hold back and to resist change I share the story that the one of the most scary things that I had to confront was his decision to run for the presidency
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and he put it kind of on my lap you know he said look if you can't handle this if you don't want to do it I'm out so it's kind of up to you and I had to think
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about that I had to think of why my instinct was so automatically no and that's when I had to confront that fearful mind and to realize that that's the part of me and so many of us have it
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that don't want change we don't like new we don't want discomfort but here's the thing about pushing beyond that um that I talk about in the book is that if you can push past those moments of fear that's where growth happens that's where
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possibility lies yes Michelle Obama struggles with fear struggled with fear continues to do it I mean writing this book putting my thoughts out into the world I said that with becoming it's the same way at the beginning of this
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process when you were when you've sat with something and you're putting your most vulnerable thoughts on paper and it is printed and it's about to go on bookshelves my first reaction is why did you do this you why are you putting
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yourself through this you people are going to judge it they're gonna maybe not like it they're not gonna those messages are going through my mind as we speak but over the years I've learned to let them come in they're there for a
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reason but don't let them stop me um but that takes practice [Music] while Michelle Obama offers Reflections on change in the book the mother of two is also sharing updates about her life and family now for starters as empty
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nesters she and the former president are thrilled the daughters Malia and Sasha have chosen to be roommates you try not to react too much because it's like you don't want to go oh my gosh I'm so happy for you because then they think well
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maybe this is not a good thing if my mom likes it so I just you know said okay well that's interesting that you guys are gonna try living together we'll see how it goes um but yeah it feels it feels good to know
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that the two girls you raised find Solace and a kitchen table with one another you know it's like the the one thing you want for them you know and I think that they realize that they have a unique Bond because they're the only two
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who know what they just went through how they you know growing up in the White House in the same household uh with the brightest Spotlight on the world on you as you were going through adolescence and puberty they uniquely know what that
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means for them and I think they become even closer now that they're out on the other side but yeah it makes me feel really really good not just that they're living together but they're thriving together and they're thriving on their
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own as individual young women I write about this the girls are out and so you have these weird Panic thoughts that your girls are out in the world living in this messy world and so you think about crazy things you want to
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make sure you remember to tell them it's like remember to don't walk alone at night you know Barack sent them an email about earthquake preparedness you know because they were living in California so as parents you read studies and you
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see something that scares you you send it to the girls make sure did you know about this he does he's he's a big article Cinder um and we all just read it and laugh and now Sasha's starting to share some
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articles because she's a Psychology major and I think she's slowly psychoanalyzing us so some of the articles are specific to our what she thinks are our individual neuroses um so I still fantasize for a life of balance where I'm still doing meaningful work
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but I'm still getting meaningful time to invest in myself the ability to learn new things on my own whether it's knitting or swimming laps or you know something that keeps the flame in my heart and my soul burning I haven't been
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able to knit because I've been you know finishing and promoting this book but I like to repeat patterns because that's how you get better at them um so the fact that I could Master making an entire crewneck sweater
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to me I was amazed at myself and that it fit my husband and looked really good I don't want to be a master Knitter I like the fact that I can produce some things you know and there's this great cable
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pattern scarf I see now I'm kind of going in and sounding a little knit crazy but it's a really pretty pattern with a raised cable knit I love making that scarf because it looks like you put in hours and it's just a matter of
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twisting some knots and knitting them off of a needle it's simple to do but it looks like it looks like you're the best Knitter on the planet TV is an escape for me that HGTV it's not all lowber I love the dating shows
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Married at First Sight oh my God yeah I can I can do it all I am still physically active and my goal now instead of having Michelle Obama arms I just want to keep moving just keep moving if I can walk move I don't have
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to run I don't have to beat everyone so I've had to change the way I see myself in the in it in my health space I never used to weigh myself I'm not trying to stick to numbers but when you're in
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menopause you have this slow creep but I think for the most part I count myself blessed I think I will continue to search for ways to use whatever platform I have because that is evolving too um and I'm I'm glad about that I mean I
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don't have the platform that I had as former first lady but we all have a platform and I'm gonna figure out whatever my platform looks like today tomorrow in 10 years what can I do to help somebody else and that's going to
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change given the needs of the country the power and influence that I either have or don't have whether it's big or small I'm going to be constantly looking for ways to help
Topics:Michelle ObamaThe Light We Carryself-doubtovercoming fearself-kindnessvulnerabilitymemoirwomen and agingpersonal growthPEOPLE interview
