Speaker A
Hi guys, welcome or welcome back. I'm Anna, a Clinical Psychology doctoral intern, and today we're going to be talking about a low-risk way to get more intimate with people.
Learn the Match Plus One technique from Radically Open DBT to build intimacy gradually and safely by matching and slightly increasing vulnerability.
Key Takeaways
- Start with low-risk disclosures and gradually increase vulnerability based on reciprocation.
- Match Plus One helps build intimacy safely by avoiding premature emotional exposure.
- Reciprocation is key to determining when to increase or decrease personal disclosures.
- Intimacy levels range from casual topics to deep emotional sharing, allowing flexible pacing.
- This technique is practical for various social interactions and relationship building.
What the video covers
- The video introduces a low-risk technique called Match Plus One from Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (RODBT) to build intimacy.
- Match Plus One involves starting with low-level personal disclosures and assessing if the other person reciprocates before increasing vulnerability.
- If the other person matches your level of disclosure, you increase your vulnerability by one level; if not, you stay at the same level or reduce it.
- The technique helps avoid high-risk emotional exposure by allowing gradual trust building and gauging the other person's responsiveness.
- Intimacy levels range from casual, non-emotional topics (level 1-2) to highly personal and emotional disclosures (level 9-10).
- Examples include discussing everyday topics, personal goals, emotional judgments, and eventually sharing deep feelings or desires for committed relationships.
- The video provides practical examples of how to apply the technique in social settings, such as with classmates.
- It emphasizes the importance of reciprocation as a feedback loop to safely increase emotional openness.
- The technique is useful for avoiding rejection or emotional harm by pacing the disclosure of personal information.
- A worksheet and homework assignment are mentioned to help viewers practice and assess their relationships using this method.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction to Low-Risk Intimacy Technique
- 01:05Explanation of Match Plus One Technique
- 01:57Adjusting Vulnerability Based on Reciprocation
- 02:46Risks of Unreciprocated Vulnerability
- 03:39Benefits of Starting Slow to Build Trust
- 04:37Example: Low-Level Intimacy Topics
- 05:25Increasing Intimacy to Mid-Level Disclosures
- 06:12Advancing to Higher Levels of Vulnerability
- 07:00Challenges at High Levels of Disclosure
- 08:31Extreme Vulnerability and Deep Emotional Sharing
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
dialectical behavioral therapy radically open DBT or rodbt is a slight variation on the original DBT so today's technique is called match plus one I'm going to explain the technique to you going to run through a quick example for how to
Speaker A
Today's technique is from Radically Open DBT. If you're familiar with DBT, dialectical behavioral therapy, Radically Open DBT or RODBT is a slight variation on the original DBT.
Speaker A
personal disclosures and then you assess to see if it's being reciprocated and then if it is you elevated plus one degree so if it's matched then you can add a level of vulnerability to what you are disclosing about yourself and if
Speaker A
So today's technique is called Match Plus One. I'm going to explain the technique to you, going to run through a quick example for how to use it, and then also just give you a few additional tips for how to use this worksheet or handout in order to assess your relationships.
Speaker A
on how much other people are responding to your vulnerability because of course as you can imagine if you're constantly trying to get intimate with someone trying to be emotionally open and vulnerable with them and they're not responding that's pretty high risk you
Speaker A
So Match Plus One is a technique where you want to get closer to someone, so you start with less personal disclosures and then you assess to see if it's being reciprocated. Then if it is, you elevate plus one degree.
Speaker A
starts to build you're becoming more intimate with other people but at the same time you're not taking huge risks so you know it's not like you're being extremely vulnerable and someone is rejecting you for it it's low risk
Speaker A
So if it's matched, then you can add a level of vulnerability to what you are disclosing about yourself. And if it's not, understandably, you can stay in the same area or actually match down.
Speaker A
classmate next to you so levels one or two of intimacy would be talking about everyday non-emotional events things like the weather traffic the taste of a meal or stating opinions about non-emotional topics such as the service at a restaurant or the color of a room
Speaker A
It's kind of a combination between matching people's energy and assessing for reciprocation. It's like a feedback loop figuring out how much you want to be vulnerable depending on how much other people are responding to your vulnerability.
Speaker A
reciprocating are they saying oh yeah it took me a really long time as well or actually I didn't do the reading or are they just kind of blowing you off and saying oh yeah yeah I get it if they
Speaker A
Because of course, as you can imagine, if you're constantly trying to get intimate with someone, trying to be emotionally open and vulnerable with them, and they're not responding, that's pretty high risk.
Speaker A
non-personal topics such as world peace or you're revealing socially acceptable personal preferences such as I love to go mountain biking so let's say the next class comes along you're sitting next to this person you know that they responded
Speaker A
You know, it puts you at risk of being rejected or feeling abandoned or feeling like you're investing more in a relationship than they are returning.
Speaker A
something from the class that came up you know like a political topic and giving your opinion on what you think about it okay next class comes along you decide this person reciprocated a level three or four let me bump it up to a
Speaker A
So this is a technique for starting slow so that you have gains over time when that trust starts to build. You're becoming more intimate with other people, but at the same time, you're not taking huge risks.
Speaker A
detest disorganized people okay so here maybe you get to chatting with your classmate again maybe this time you talk about something you think about the professor like hey I know this professor is really popular has really great reviews on me Rate My Professor but
Speaker A
So, you know, it's not like you're being extremely vulnerable and someone is rejecting you for it. It's low risk because it allows you to gauge early on if someone is going to reject you before you've revealed extremely personal or vulnerable information about yourself where the stakes would be higher.
Speaker A
do reciprocate then next time you might go up to a level seven or eight revealing personal opinions or thoughts about the relationships such as I really like you and or revealing private feelings or judgments about highly emotional personal events such as giving
Speaker A
So let's run through an example. You know, let's say that you are talking to a classmate next to you. So levels one or two of intimacy would be talking about everyday non-emotional events, things like the weather, traffic, the taste of a meal, or stating opinions about non-emotional topics such as the service at a restaurant or the color of a room.
Speaker A
if they want to study with me so maybe you say hey I think we Vibe or I like you as a person or I think you're really sweet would you like to study for this together or maybe they ask you hey how's
Speaker A
So you're sitting next to your classmate and you're wanting to be in that level one to two intimacy. You might say something like, "Oh, the readings took me a really long time to complete this week," and then you assess, are they reciprocating? Are they saying, "Oh yeah, it took me a really long time as well," or "Actually, I didn't do the reading," or are they just kind of blowing you off and saying, "Oh yeah, yeah, I get it"?
Speaker A
personal things about their lives and realizing that it's not being reciprocated by the other person so oftentimes they might go back down to level five or six with something like an acquaintance I would say level seven or eight is where you're starting to really
Speaker A
If they match your level of disclosure, you can bump it up to like a level three or four where you're making non-emotional disclosures about personal goals or values, things like politics, parenting philosophy, or you're making emotional or passionate disclosures about non-personal topics such as world peace, or you're revealing socially acceptable personal preferences such as, "I love to go mountain biking."
Speaker A
be damaging if known publicly and or being willing to be highly vulnerable such as sharing extreme self-doubt or weakness so let's say you've started hanging out with this person socially a few times you get the sense that they
Speaker A
So let's say the next class comes along, you're sitting next to this person, you know that they responded to a level one or two disclosure. A level three or four might be something like telling the other person about your plans for the weekend. You know, maybe you have a trip, a weekend trip planned somewhere, or maybe talking about something from the class that came up, you know, like a political topic and giving your opinion on what you think about it.
Speaker A
cool person I really like spending time with you how would you feel about going to this event with me and then a level 10 is where you're actually expressing love and intense feelings of caring and desire for committed long-term
Speaker A
Okay, next class comes along, you decide this person reciprocated a level three or four. Let me bump it up to a level five or six. At a level five or six, you're revealing private feelings or emotional judgments about personal events, about your true feelings about the boss or the co-worker, or possibly revealing socially unacceptable opinions, judgments, or preferences such as, "I detest disorganized people."
Speaker A
when you hang up on the phone with them things along those lines so I have an exercise using this intervention and then I have sort of a homework assignment based on that that you can practice take a look at this worksheet
Speaker A
Okay, so here maybe you get to chatting with your classmate again. Maybe this time you talk about something you think about the professor, like, "Hey, I know this professor is really popular, has really great reviews on Rate My Professor, but actually I don't like him because of X, Y, and Z." See how the other person responds. Do they respond by just kind of saying, "Oh, okay, yeah, whatever," or do they respond by giving their own genuine opinion about the professor?
Speaker A
where do your friends lie where does your partner lie if you have one and just zoom out and take a look at it what patterns do you notice maybe it's difficult for you to get past a certain level of closeness you know like maybe
Speaker A
Let's say that they do reciprocate. Then next time you might go up to a level seven or eight, revealing personal opinions or thoughts about the relationships such as, "I really like you," and/or revealing private feelings or judgments about highly emotional personal events such as giving details about your unhappy marriage, and/or engaging in open expressions such as tears, uninhibited laughter, more eye contact.
Speaker A
your friends and acquaintances kind of cluster in the level 10 area are there certain gaps in your spectrum why might that be like for me I noticed that there was a Gap around level like six to nine ish the reason that happened was because
Speaker A
So here maybe you're sitting next to this classmate once more. Maybe you decide, "Hey, I want to ask this person if they want to study with me." So maybe you say, "Hey, I think we vibe," or, "I like you as a person," or, "I think you're really sweet. Would you like to study for this together?" Or maybe they ask you, "Hey, how's your weekend?" and you say, "Actually, it was pretty terrible. I broke up with my boyfriend."
Speaker A
10. do certain types of relationships cluster together you know like maybe all of your family are in the level 10 because maybe you're one of those people that think family are the only people you can actually ever fully trust and
Speaker A
I think a level seven or eight was where a lot of relationships tend to fall off the reciprocation game, where a lot of people are starting to disclose personal things about their lives and realizing that it's not being reciprocated by the other person.
Speaker A
would rate you so after you have yours mapped out how do you think those people would view you on the Spectrum and if there are discrepancies why do you think that is so now after you've done that I
Speaker A
So oftentimes they might go back down to level five or six with something like an acquaintance. I would say level seven or eight is where you're starting to really ingrain that intimacy.
Speaker A
the very low end of the spectrum because you have trouble figuring out how to show affection to people in the professional sphere maybe what you do is give them a holiday card or something of the sort or maybe if you struggle to get
Speaker A
If you get to a level nine, you might reveal feelings of affection or desire for more intimacy such as, "I want to spend more time with you," and/or sharing stories of shameful or embarrassing experiences that could be damaging if known publicly, and/or being willing to be highly vulnerable such as sharing extreme self-doubt or weakness.
Speaker A
thought about this you know I'm curious to hear what sort of patterns you had in your spectrum when you mapped out who are the people in your life and how intimate you are with them is this a technique you would ever try or is this
Speaker A
So let's say you've started hanging out with this person socially a few times. You get the sense that they can be trusted, that you have a good back and forth with them. So you might start to talk to them about maybe what happened in your relationship that caused the breakup, for instance, or you might say, "Hey, I think you're a really cool person. I really like spending time with you. How would you feel about going to this event with me?"
Topics:Match Plus OneRadically Open DBTRODBTintimacy buildingvulnerabilityemotional opennessrelationship skillsclinical psychologydialectical behavioral therapysocial connection
