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The main fear of a person with an eating disorder is the fear of gaining weight. But actually, it is not.
Explore the true fear behind eating disorders: it's not weight gain itself, but loss of control and fear of rejection.
Key Takeaways
- Fear of gaining weight is actually fear of losing control and fear of social rejection.
- Eating disorders are deeply tied to issues of control, identity, and acceptance.
- Different types of eating disorders have distinct but related fears around control and consequences.
- Therapeutic approaches should focus on uncovering unconscious fears and emotional roots.
- Addressing these fears can help individuals move toward recovery and healthier self-acceptance.
What the video covers
- People with eating disorders fear losing control over their weight, not just gaining weight itself.
- The fear of weight gain is linked to fear of negative consequences like rejection, lack of acceptance, and loss of identity.
- Anorexics associate thinness with strength, control, and social acceptance, while fear of weight gain symbolizes loss of these qualities.
- Bulimics fear losing control over food intake, which reflects a deeper fear of losing control over their lives.
- People with compulsive overeating disorder fear real physical health consequences from weight gain but also struggle with complex emotional fears.
- The fear of gaining weight is often unconscious and tied to deeper fears of not being loved or accepted by important people.
- True fears are repressed and manifest as fear of weight gain, but the root cause is emotional and social acceptance.
- Treatment involves uncovering these unconscious fears with the help of skilled psychologists using projective and imaginative therapies.
- Understanding the real fear behind weight gain can help break the cycle of eating disorders and promote recovery.
- The video emphasizes the importance of addressing emotional and psychological roots rather than focusing solely on weight.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction: The Real Fear Behind Weight Gain
- 01:37Fear of Losing Control Over Weight
- 03:27Fear of Consequences and Social Rejection
- 05:15Anorexia: Control and Strength Through Thinness
- 07:04Bulimia: Struggle with Control and Life
- 08:49Compulsive Overeating: Real Health Fears
- 10:35Uncovering Repressed Fears and Emotional Roots
- 12:47Therapeutic Approaches and Moving Forward
- 23:10Conclusion and How to Seek Help
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
Moreover, very often both psychologists and people with eating disorders themselves are sure of this. But that's not true. The worst fear of people with eating disorders is different. I'll talk about it in this video.
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Hello, friends, my name is Nina Voronova-Bartet. I am a psychologist, candidate of biological sciences, and, as always, I say that you are on my channel, where I talk about eating disorders.
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Today I will talk... I’ve already made a video about this and talked about it, but every time I’m asked to tell something else about it again. That’s why I’m telling you something more about this again. About the fear
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of gaining weight. In fact, people with eating disorders are not afraid of gaining weight. They are afraid that the weight will get out of control. That one day the weight will start to grow, and I will not be able to do anything about it. Because I will no longer
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control this process. It will begin to grow, and will grow and grow, grow, grow, until it reaches some unreal, inhuman size. That's all. And then there is some kind of end of life, because this is somehow no longer life at all. And this is the horror that the weight will get out of control one day, and
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you won’t be able to do anything about it. This is the fear that is not only constantly present in people with an eating disorder, but which they, in a sense, hold on to. Because if you tell a person with an eating disorder: Come on,
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I’ll make sure that you won’t be afraid of gaining weight? He will say: Wait! This fear is the only thing that keeps my weight at some normal level. If I'm not afraid of gaining weight, what will happen?
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So, I will type it. This means my worst nightmare is coming true. I will dial and dial and dial until I turn into a man the size of a house. That's all. And there, as I said, that’s all. This is
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some kind of... Then there is only death. That's it, there's nothing else there. There are only some tons, some thousands of kilograms of fat, and nothing more. Some kind of hellish hell and horrible nightmare. But where is the salt in this? The point here is that it is impossible to be afraid of gaining weight. Our brain is designed like this. Our
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psyche is designed in such a way that we are afraid of something that can literally harm us. That is, we are afraid of what can kill us or violate our integrity, that is, injure us, tear off our arm, leg, make us suffer, experience pain. This is what we are afraid of. You can't be afraid of gaining weight.
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Especially when we're talking about scales that definitely won't kill you. Well, there's no way they'll kill you. That is, if a girl with anorexia is afraid of gaining 5 kilograms, it is clear that this will not kill her. This
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will take her away from her goal. Undoubtedly. But it won't kill her. So what are people with eating disorders really afraid of? You are afraid of not gaining weight, you are afraid of what will follow. For example, an example is a ballerina
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who is afraid of gaining weight. She is not afraid of weight, she is not afraid of being an overweight ballerina. She is afraid that if she gains weight, for example, she will not be given a role, she will be put in the ballet
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and they will shout at her and look askance at her, and maybe she will be removed from the theater altogether or kicked out of the school... That is, you are afraid of the consequences. Not the fact itself, because it does not
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harm you, but the consequences that will make you suffer. And for a person with an eating disorder they are often unconscious. I'm afraid of gaining weight, period. But that's not the point. I'm afraid of gaining weight, and what follows is real fear. Because they won't love me fat. I'm afraid of gaining
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weight because I won't be accepted if I'm overweight. I'm afraid of gaining weight because it won't allow me to achieve what I want to achieve. But the main thing, of course, is that they won’t love me and won’t accept me. Naturally. This is the most important thing,
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the most important thing. But this is not realized. People with anorexia also say this. True, they always say that I won’t be able to love myself, but this is nonsense. They feel this way because, again, I can't look at myself at this weight because I know that other people see me and
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they won't accept me like that. For example, not ideal. Not even thin - not ideal. They will think I'm weak - I can't control my weight. And if I am very thin, people will think that I am strong, strong-willed, I have everything under control, and therefore I am ideal. Not even
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in terms of appearance, but in terms of human qualities. I am strong, I am strong-willed, I am self-confident, I know how to achieve goals, I don’t need anyone at all. I'm so cool on my own.
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That's how it works. As for bulimics, it is generally not clear to them why they... it is generally not clear why they are afraid of gaining weight. In the sense that they cannot verbalize it like that. They directly and clearly say: I am
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afraid of gaining weight because I do not control this process. It is very important for a bulimic, just like for an anorexic, by the way, it is very important to understand that you control the things that happen to you. Because it's very scary. And if the anorexic is still in control, especially
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the anorexic with restrictive anorexia, he really understands that he is in control. Here I am in control. But I had an overeating, a disaster, and I lost control. Bulimics don't have that kind of control. They don't control. For them, the terrible horror is that they cannot control the food, and they struggle.
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Again, it's not about weight, per se. It's about control. Because bulimics are very scared to live, and if anorexics are very scared to live and they don’t live, they, as it were, leave life, go into isolation, into a hole, then bulimics do not give up. They are trying to live. They are wildly scared, they clench their teeth,
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and on willpower, on self-control, so as not to fall into this fear and horror, into these tears, into this self-deprecation, they clench their teeth and try with all their might to demonstrate that everything is fine with them.
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This fact that they cannot control their food is terrible for them. Because if I can’t even control food, how will I control my life, which is much more complicated? In which other people participate. And in general, the processes there are much more complicated. That is, for them this is, as it were, an
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indicator that they cannot cope. When it comes to people with compulsive overeating disorder, they often have a lot of weight and they have a very real fear. They have a real fear that they will continue to gain weight, and then, I don’t know... They will start to have some wild health problems,
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they will not be able to walk, leave the house, and so on. So they have a slight difference, people with compulsive overeating disorder. At least they have something to fear in this sense, because it is about some real physical disorders. But it would seem that if
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you are so afraid of gaining weight, why are you gaining it? You're afraid to walk at night, right? For example, you don’t go somewhere to see drunks. Logical? Logical. It would seem that. Well, it’s true that some people walk around injured, but that’s a different story altogether. About overcompensation for injury. Not the point! So here it is.
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To deal with this fear of weight gain, it is important to understand what you are actually afraid of.
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That is, this - they won’t love me, they won’t accept me - this is also often a surface, because who won’t love me? Here the anorexic will say: That's it. People. Nothing like this! We are not interested in everyone. We
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are always interested in someone. Somebody. What kind of people would not love you? Once again, this is not you and this is not all.
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Who didn't accept you? Who are you trying for? Who are you trying to pr
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is, this - I’m afraid of everything, horror, panic, something terrible will happen - it’s always necessary as much as possible... What terrible thing will happen? What exactly are you afraid of? This, this or this? It is important. Then you can work. So here it is.
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When you realize what exactly you are afraid of, you understand that it is not the weight you need to work with. It 's not about him at all. And with the fear that you have. With that fear, because in the example
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of the ballerina, what does it mean that she will be kicked out of the school or removed from the body? This means the collapse of a dream. This means that I couldn't. It means I'm not good enough for this, just like I
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always thought in reality, that I'm not good enough. And here it is, the proof. This is not for me.
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My dreams are unattainable. I'm incapable. And if I’m incapable, that means why am I even here? Why my life at all? What's the point anyway? And so on. And then these things go on, very often, about life and death. About meanings. These are all existential things. If
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you tighten it well, they will be there somewhere. Somewhere at the end of the chain you will definitely find something about life and death. It is important to tighten it well.
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Because any trauma, any “they won’t love me”, it’s always about life and death. This is how our psyche works. This is how our instincts work. It's just like that. That's it. When people don't love me, it's about death. Well, that's not the point. Got distracted. So, oh
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what did I say? So here it is. We need to find this true reason, this very one. It’s not even that they won’t love me, but what’s even further. What's below, what layers are there? And then you will know. You will localize
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your fear, and you will have at least some ideas about what to do about it. Weight, in this case - in some video I talked about giving additional meaning to food, if I remember, in some video, I will post a link. So here it is. Weight and kilograms are also given additional meaning
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here . These are no longer just kilograms, but something else. This proves something. For an anorexic, weight gain means that all my efforts to prove that I can, that I am strong-willed, that I am strong, that I am in control will be
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crossed out. This will all be destroyed. All my achievements, all my struggle for my own ideality, the ability to evoke love and acceptance from someone, will be destroyed. And then I have no chance at all.
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Because it was the only thing that gave me any chance. In this case, I’m not talking about a suicidal program, because with anorexia there is a lot of this veiled “I want to die, I want to disappear.” And everything is generally clear there. You have a clear goal - to lose weight and disappear. And here they pull you
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in the opposite direction, as if they are ruining everything for you. But this is a little different. Although, no, why different?
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This could also be about that. About the fact that when you had this unconscious goal to disappear, because it was unbearable for you to be here in this world. There's no place for you here. And they pull you back.
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You have almost reached it, but they drag you again, and then you will have to go through this path again, because you feel bad there. It's about the same thing. But this, of course, is unconscious. It is always
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in the repressed field. Any fear that is true, as I am talking about, is located in a repressed field. And it seems that fear lies right here, in kilograms. Here in these folds of fat. That's what I'm afraid of. Because true fear is in the repressed field. Bulimics are afraid that they
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will not cope with life. That they just can't handle it. That life will break them. That they won't stand it. And this is also about life and death. But for people with compulsive overeating disorder, things are more complicated there. Because
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people with compulsive overeating disorder are often afraid not only of gaining weight, but also of losing weight. But also lose weight. Anorexics are often afraid to lose weight after they have already gone through the recovery period. Then for
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them it is a terrible fear. That is, if they see a loss of kilograms, they panic, because for them it means a return to that nightmare. That is, my God, I started losing weight, it’s a nightmare, anorexia is returning, I’m
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doing something wrong again. God, God, now it’s going to hit me. That is, they may have such fear, yes.
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Bulimics have it less often; they, as a rule, have no fear of losing weight. They lose weight with pleasure and, if they lose weight, they are only happy. If a bulimic decides that he has anorexia, he will be simply happy. Because he can finally
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control his eating. Finally, it’s not food that controls him. As for people with compulsive overeating disorder, everything is more tricky. Because they are scared to gain weight for physiological reasons, but they gain weight because it is even more scary for them to lose weight. And it’s more scary for them to lose weight, because they... That is,
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control over food is also important to them. But if anorexics need to be thin in order to do something, then people with compulsive overeating disorder need to be fat in order to do something. And, as a rule, this is something, this is
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protection and security. They need to be fat to protect themselves from something. From violence, for example. From pain. From relationships that can lead to violence and pain. From life, because this is a wonderful reason to hide behind this extra weight. From, I don’t know, from childbirth. From some things
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that they want, but for some reason cannot allow themselves to do. Because it's unsafe. Generally unsafe. And there arises a double fear - I don’t want to gain weight, but I’m also afraid to lose weight. And so they are held in this great weight, as it were. Moreover, the fear of weight gain is conscious. And the fear
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of weight loss, as a rule, is also repressed. He is not aware. What do you mean, I'm afraid of losing weight?! I want to lose weight! I dream of losing weight! This is what I've been doing all my life. But every time I return
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to high weight again, because at some point I get scared. At some point, my psychological defenses begin to work. And being overweight is safer for me. I'm just safer.
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By the way, I also need to say. This can happen to anorexics too. It is safer for them to be at a low weight because when they are at a low weight, they feel like little children under the protection of their parents.
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They don't have to become adults. And in adult life, sex, work, taxes, it’s difficult, scary, I don’t want to, I’ll be little, I’ll be with my mother. Let mom and dad solve these problems. God, God, no, I don’t want to.
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That is, again, if bulimics try to cope with all these difficulties that wildly frighten them, then anorexics do not try. An anorexic immediately goes into isolation, that is, that’s it, that’s it, I’m in the house. I'm in the house.
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I'm a little sick girl, I don't know anything. Let me disappear, dissolve, and don’t touch me at all, don’t make me gain weight. So. Let's summarize. Because today my thoughts are swimming in all directions. Let's summarize. What to do about the fear of weight gain? Realize that you are not afraid
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of gaining weight. You can't be afraid of gaining weight. You are afraid of what will follow. And it's not something simple - I'll become fat, no one likes fat people. No! Or I will become even fatter and my knees will fall apart. Well,
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sort of, yes, but no. There is always a second, third, fourth layer. And, since it is in the repressed, it means it is protected from you. It was repressed precisely so that you would not realize it. Your own brain did it.
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Not because he wanted to hurt you, but because the truth hurts you. She will hurt you. She's painful for you.
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Therefore, the brain displaces it, sprinkles earth on top, as if saying: There is nothing! There is nothing.
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You're just afraid of getting fat, because... Do you see how simple it is? Just take it now, go on a diet, and everything will be fine with you. Something, however, doesn’t work out all the time, but you just didn’t show enough willpower. You're just lazy. Lazy like that, spoiled.
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Pull yourself together now and everything will be fine. Oops, it didn’t work out again! How can that be, ah-ah-ah.
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We need to get better together. We need to try harder, we need to make even more effort. That is, that true reason was supplanted and they gave you a false reason so that you revolve around it for the rest of your
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life and fight windmills, whoever has read Don Quixote or at least heard about him.
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What to do? Look for the true reasons. It is best to do this with a competent psychologist who knows how to work with the unconscious. Because it's been repressed. Knows how to bypass these protections. These are, as a rule, people who use projective techniques, emotional-imaginative therapy, psychodrama... These are these strange things that are
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not about the here and now, but about some incomprehensible fantasies, draw me a picture, that’s all. Or Imagine that you are this and that, imagine what your fear looks like... Maybe it looks like a box, maybe it looks like a house, maybe it looks like a dog... Well, this is all nonsense,
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from which anorexics and bulimics are especially afraid of. Because people with compulsive overeating disorder still somehow go into this. Bulimi are like: What the hell is this nonsense! And anorexics are like: I mean, now I’m going to sit and imagine some nonsense. Who do you take me for here? I'm not
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going to look stupid. Here. But, nevertheless, these techniques allow you to bypass protections. If you don’t have such a psychologist, think for yourself. Think, think, think, try to figure it out.
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The brain has a very important property. When you give him a clear task, he will work on it. He will work on it in the background. But the task must be set. You must be focused on it. You must say: I want to understand what I am really afraid of. Maybe this,
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maybe this, maybe this? Don't know. And then your brain will work in the background. If you repeat this request from time to time, like - we're still thinking about it, brain. He was like: oh, okay, we think. We're still thinking about it. And then, at some point, there is hope that this
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truth will pass through the protection, in the sense that the protection will be removed. Because we are thinking about this, it means that we don’t need protection right now. That is, we can... access this information . And when you understand what you are really afraid of, who you are afraid of disappointing, who
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should accept you, why is it so important for you that this particular person or these people accept you? Why are you so scared of your life? What exactly scares you about it? Why do you think you can't handle it? Why is it important to you not
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lose weight? What is he protecting you from? And this is never on the surface. The first answer that comes to you is not an answer. This is the false answer that your psyche offers you instead of the true one, which is repressed. Because when we repress something, we have
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a kind of false reality. We replace the true reality with a false one. A false picture of the world and a picture of yourself, because it is impossible not to have anything if you have repressed something. You have to put something here
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. And this false picture appears, and from the false picture you get answers all the time. I don’t know if it became clearer to you, I hope. So. That's basically all I wanted to say.
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Subscribe to my channel, please like, comment, repost. Don't forget to do this, support the channel so that more people with eating disorders can find these videos. Because I get a lot of good feedback that my videos are valuable. I wish
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more people could watch them. That's it. And subscribe to my social networks, my Telegram channel, and remember that through social networks you can find me if you need me. Bye!
Topics:eating disordersfear of weight gainanorexiabulimiacompulsive overeatingpsychologycontrolself-acceptanceemotional healththerapy
