Speaker A
Greetings, everyone, dear friends. Let's get straight to the point. You have a roulette wheel in front of you. It will decide what we'll do today. And on the first spin, without a hitch, it lands on Congo. How unexpected! I'm extremely surprised. We won't dispute the wheel's decision, of course, so let's get started. At the start of the game, things are going extremely badly for our would-be state, but let's just say we've seen worse. Basically, we have nothing but jungles and a savage workforce. The situation, incidentally, hasn't changed much in the modern era. However, it's time to achieve independence and throw off the shackles of Belgian colonialism to embrace the shackles of German colonialism. In any case, it will be better than under Leopold II. From now on, I'll be keeping a counter of jokes about Leopold II and his shady dealings in the Congo. To start the war for independence, we need to complete this focus branch. At least, that's what Katerhond did in a video from a year ago, following the same path as me. For the second video in a row, I'm asking Hitler for help in my future civil war. German and Congolese, brothers forever. In February of '37, our troops marched on the capital, beginning the great war for the liberation of the Congo. I wonder what the developers were thinking when they created a civil war in the Congo, where there are practically no supplies, and the railways are only needed for trains loaded with weapons to roll along, shooting the local natives. And the Belgians, who aren't even participating in the war, are just riding bicycles. After all, why keep divisions in Europe? Of course, no one threatens them. I barely managed to finish this horror because they simply didn't keep the divisions in the same cell. I quickly trudged to Leopoldovi or to Leopoldovi, but it doesn't matter. Because now we're going to rename our cities. Okay, the new names don't look or read much better. Look, those pathetic Belgian colonialists are returning to the mother country. Hey, wait, where are you going? We're for independence and equality and all that, but we won't just give up our territories. We're especially not going to let the Rwandans go when they can kill about a million people in three months. Now that the country is completely liberated and the separatists have been suppressed, we'll start looking for candidates who are ready to govern our state. But, as you understand, not all candidates will be suitable, so no, no, rejected. Oh, my. Now he's in power, the great Yuhi Fifth Musinga. You really don't know who he is? And you're wrong, because he has a very interesting biography. Oh, no, he was simply ousted by the Belgian administration, and he fled into exile somewhere in southern Rwanda and died there of illness. But in this timeline, he will become a truly great, great undermining of Germany. And while this long, eighty-four-day trick is being performed, I'll tell you a very interesting fact. Global statistics tell us that the average number of hands a person has on Earth is less than two. For this, we can thank the former Belgian monarch, because it was by his decree that the hands of Kangal children were chopped off for failing to meet work quotas. I'll interrupt you for a moment. I'm getting sick at this point, so don't be surprised if my voice gets worse. Right now, our General Staff looks suspiciously like that legendary picture with the sofa. Wait, is that dictator Mbappé? Right now, I'm more afraid not of a hypothetical invasion by Britain and France, but of the prospect of being left with only two research cells. Seriously, where are the tricks aimed at science? Apparently, the only thing Kangal scientists can open is the door to the lab. Have you noticed that there are too many Prussians in the Hoyka? Bend them on your fingers. The first is original, German. The second is Asian, Afghan. The third is South American, Chilean. And the fourth is African, Congolese. This is what would have happened if Orban had won the last election. Only Uruguay knew the real intentions of Germany and Hitler, but the world didn't believe poor little Uruguay, so it had to wage an economic war against Germany alone. Please help me. I've lost all my tricks. No, this is seriously not funny. Where? There they are. Now our little political thread is down to just three tricks, all of them aimed at expansion. Let's reclaim the West African territories. In November 1939, we start a war to free the Angolans from toiling for the Portuguese colonialists, so that they can then be forced to work even harder for the Germans. But that's not important. Go ahead, Meine Froinde. First, we'll lock them in the local equivalent of Kaliningrad and then advance south. They haven't even thought to bring divisions here, so it won't take long. Yes, Salazar. You held on much better to your VRL colonies. We drove out the Portuguese, but now the question arises: how are we going to make peace? I don't want to underestimate the strength of the great Cangolese fleet, but I think we're unlikely to land in Lisbon. Fine, we'll solve that problem later while we build up our army for the war with the Allies. We still need to help our metropolitanate, since technically we're a German puppet, even though we're not even in an alliance with them. This is exactly what schizophrenia looks like. The goal of waging war against oneself is to seize one's own region. We have a special envoy of Jesus Christ as an advisor. China once had such a messenger of God. And it led to 30 million casualties. Although for China, this is like a drop in the bucket, really. Why are the Africans dragging their feet? We're starting German recolonization of their former colonies and beyond. Germany managed to launch a blitzkrieg across Europe, so how are we any worse? Why can't we launch a blitzkrieg across Africa? By the way, don't expect me to whine about terrible supplies, because I, the greatest 300 IQ ear-driller, have already built supply hubs and railways with 3,000 hours. But if I move a couple of squares from my territory, everything will return to normal. The Divi will have to eat sand and shoot from branches found on the ground. We're imposing strict suppression on the occupied territories. The locals will think British and French rule is a paradise compared to ours. We'll show the British the BBC now. And I don't mean the television program. Our African campaign, unlike the Reich's Italian one, will be a complete success. We won't have any fuel shortages, not because of timely deliveries, but because our army is a savage sect with one rifle for every ten men, no air force or tanks. Speaking of oil, the residents of our capital now feel like real Wehrmacht generals in Libya. Bam. I asked Germany for control of Belgium, and now we'll make the Belgians fear Yuhi Musinga as much as they feared Leopold II of Congo-less. From now on, every Belgian must produce 100 chocolate bars a day, and if they refuse, we'll cut off their hands. Basically, I've captured all of Snowstorm Africa. Except maybe Madagascar, but that's beside the point. I don't know what to do next. It's almost '44. My brain is rotting from this kind of gameplay. So, without further ado, here goes. Afiderzia. Videos will be coming out much more frequently from now on, I promise. Bye, everyone, dear viewers, see you later. And yes, I'm not dead, I'm not dead, I'm more alive than anyone else.
