The Sketch Show UK - S01 E06

[Music] [Music] Right, you know what we're doing. This is a fly-on-the-wall documentary on single parenting, so just go about your normal daily business and ignore us completely. All right? I like documentaries like that. That's right, right. Got your eye.

okay are you okay there I'm wait for you to say go No don't do that just just ignore us completely go about your normal Daily Business all right I documentary like yeah this is a documentary right I like those

Okay, are you okay there? I'm waiting for you to say go. No, don't do that. Just ignore us completely. Go about your normal daily business. All right? Documentary like, yeah, this is a documentary, right? I like those.

think you'd do in this situation i' probably shout at her right what do you want to just do that then all right I you've spilled the milk you silly girl which is understandable considering your mother's left and you're feeling

[Music] Oh, look, you silly bloody girl, you spilled the milk, which is understandable considering your mother's letting you feel invulnerable. You see, that's what happens. You see when the female influence deteriorates. Can I just hold you there? Um, um, if we weren't here, what do you think you'd do in this situation? I'd probably shout at her, right? What do you want to just do that then? All right, you've spilled the milk, you silly girl, which is understandable considering your mother's left and you're feeling vulnerable. That's what happens when the... Can you act naturally? All right, my daughter's just spilled some milk and I'm not happy. Not to the camera, right? You, you've been naughty, so get to your room. Okay? No, love, when I say that, I want you to go. No way, old booger. It's your follow me. Mom left. You were sleeping with me, auntie. [Music] Stop. I don't think this is going to work. I could pretend I've just found out the six-year-old daughter's getting married.

to go no way old booger it's your follow me mom left you were sleeping with me auntie [Music] stop I don't think this is going to work I could pretend I've just found out the six-year-old daughter's getting married

Let's go again. Stand clear, the vehicle is reversing. Stand clear, the vehicle is reversing. Stand clear. You can't wear that jumper with that skirt. Last orders. Hi, hello, could you sign it to Lee? Yeah, sure thing. I'm a really big fan.

thank you in fact maybe you could put that T Lee one of my biggest fans yeah no problem sorry could you put love from not just from uh yeah sure lots of love from lots of love from lots and lots and

Thank you. In fact, maybe you could put that to Lee, one of my biggest fans. Yeah, no problem. Sorry, could you put love from, not just from, uh, yeah, sure. Lots of love from, lots of love from, lots and lots and lots of love. Okay, and kisses. Okay, I really fancy you. Thanks. No, I mean, could you write that I really fancy you? I'm not really sure that. Go on, please just write it. Okay, no, not there, after the one of the biggest fans bit. In fact, change that to the biggest fan. No, I'm glad someone's so good-looking is my biggest fan. Look, please just go on. All right. To Lee, I'm glad someone so good-looking is my biggest fan. I really, really fancy you. Lots of love and kisses, Catherine's Eer Jones. Just write it. Oh my goodness, Tim, what have you done? I broke both my legs. How did you do that? I tried to hang myself with a clip-on tie. Morning.

of the biggest fans bit if fact change that to the biggest fan no I'm glad someone's so good-look is my biggest fan look please just go on all right to Lee I'm glad someone so good-looking is my biggest fan I really really fancy you

In, get in the bus. Yeah, me too. Number 26. Yep, going far in at town. Oh, right, that's nice. Yeah, you know on an airplane there's something called the mile high club. No chance. Tell me. I have told you this is...

in get in the bus yeah me too number 26 yep going far in at town oh right that's nice yeah you know on an airplane there's something called the mile high club no chance tell me I have told you this is

I don't know anymore. You must know. Please, no more questions. Can't you let me go? Just one more dress. Oh, hi. Um, can you come back tomorrow? I'll have the rent money then. Yes, sure. I wasn't actually calling about the money. No, no, I was just checking to see everything was all right. Yeah, everything's fine. Can I come in for a quick chat? Uh, it's a bit of a mess. Yes, actually, I was going to clean up today.

the money no no I was just checking to see everything was all right yeah everything's fine can I come in for a quick chat uh it's a bit of a mess Yes actually I was going to clean up today

You sure everything's all right? Yeah, honestly, everything's fine. Okay then, I'll call back tomorrow. Okay. [Music] Cool. As you can see, this is a more traditional bikini, the classic 50s style making a big comeback now all over the world. Number seven is the rippled bikini, so called because of the rippled seam that runs along the straps. It's functional, but it's also very attractive. I don't know how that got in there. Okay, back to work. It's a nice bike.

world number seven is the rippled bikini so called because of the rippled seam that runs along the straps it's functional but it's also very attractive I don't know how that got in there okay back to work it's a nice bike

Are you supposed to have two people on those? Waiting for a friend. I like yellow. Good. [Music] Color. Look, you know on an airplane? No chance. Right, now today we're going to do some trust exercises, and you can't do anything in life unless you trust the people around you, least of all a stage play. Right, so Simon, can you come and stand facing the wall, please? And everyone else just gather around behind him with your arms outstretched. Okay, lovely. Now, Simon, if you just close your eyes and on the count of three gently fall backwards. One, two, three. The greatest lesson you'll ever learn: never trust anyone, light you and let you down and then leave you for another woman.

anything in life unless you trust the people around you least of all a stage play right so Simon can you come and stand fa in the wall please and everyone else just gather around behind him with your arms

Hello, hello, Mr. Vine. Yeah, yeah, I'm from the Environmental Health Department. We've been getting complaints that your fridge is making a lot of noise. My fridge? Apparently, it's unbearable for your neighbors and they've demanded we pay you a visit. My fridge doesn't make any noise. Not what we've been told. It's completely silent. I mean, it makes a very low hum, but I think that's normal for most fridges. I'm going to have to take some readings. Sure, come in. I can't understand it. I've had it for about six years, never had a problem with it. Do you, man? Have a take a look inside. Be my guest. I got it off my brother-in-law. It's very reliable. I like the color. It's never needed repairing.

hello hello Mr Vine yeah yeah I'm from the Environmental Health Department we've been getting complaints that your fridge is making a lot of noise my fridge apparently it's unbearable for your neighbors and they've demanded we pay you a visit my fridge doesn't make

Ah, it's always at the right temperature, so I can't see what the problem is. [Music] [Music] Is hello, Lee? All right, how'd you get on today? Yeah, all right, 30 quid today. I was only busking for half of that. Ow, it's absolutely fantastic. Tell you, you should try it sometime. It be, it's working, it's absolutely great. The girlfriend was like it 'cause she says it's not a proper job, but I just think like you're not enjoying yourself.

had it for about 6 years never had a problem with it do you man have take a look inside be my guest I got it off my brother-in-law it's very reliable I like the color it's never needed repairing

What, you know what can you do in life? Brilliant. It's four, please. Got four. That's okay. You pay me next week. No chance. Do you do pork scratchings? Yes, we do. He's got an itch behind his ear, right? Poster campaign. As I've said before, we want provocative, we want contentious. Reverend, what have you got for us? Well, I thought long and hard about what you said and I came up with this: Heaven's above. Are you listening? Yes, good. But I wonder, can we push it a little further? Of course we can. What in God's name are you doing? Yes, good. I like it, but I still wonder, can't we nudge it that little bit further? I think so. For Christ's sake, believe. Excellent. I think that might be the one.

that ow it's absolutely fantastic tell you should try it sometime it be it's working it's absolutely great the girlfriend was like it cuz she says it's not a proper job but I just think like you're not enjoying yourself

Thank God. Wait a minute. To all sinners, God damn you. Magnificent. Now you're talking. That certainly packs a punch. That'll be the one we use. Hang on, hang on. Thieves, sodomizes, repent now or else, and we're not joking. Jesus gave his blood so bloody well give to Jesus you. Yes, you. Get in this church now. Get on your knees and pray. Oh, you're dead. Hey, ugly, you don't believe in God and that's why you're not ugly. G, let's not be, let's save our souls. Hey, stop titling about Ned or you'll go to [Music] [Music] hell.

before we want provocative we want contentious Reverend what have you got for us well I thought long and hard about what you said and I came up with this Heaven's above are you listening yes good but I wonder can we uh push it

Hi, hi, my name's Lee. Who am I talking to today? Uh, I'm Karen. Hi, Karen. I'm the local sales rep from Individual Cars. Would you mind very much if I show you a sample from our latest range? I'd rather not, actually. Great. Now picture the scene: it's Christmas Eve and Dave's mom's not well. He comes in here. Uh-oh, confusion. What's he going to do? Get her a Christmas card or a get well soon card?

thank God wait a minute to all Sinners God damn you magnificent now you're talking that certainly packs a punch that'll be the one we use hang on hang on thieves sodomizes repent now or else and we're not joking Jesus gave his blood so bloody

Well, now there's a card for both. Sorry to hear you're not feeling well at Christmas. See, make the cards more specific. Happy Easter and we're sorry to hear that you fell out of a tree. Thanks, but I'm not really that interested in... Can I read you a saucy card? No, thank you. Sorry to hear about your operation, but look on the bright side, it won't be the first time you've lay on your back whilst a fella fiddles around inside you. I don't really think that's appropriate. Of course it's not appropriate. And why is it not appropriate, Karen? Because it's not specific enough. Sorry to learn you're having your hip operation, Nan, especially on your ruby wedding anniversary, but look on the bright side, it won't be the first time you've lay on your back whilst a fella... No, thank you. Okay, they're very nice. They may be removing a kidney due to severe inflammatory disorder on this very special pancake Tuesday. Congratulations on passing your driving test. Look, I'm really very busy. Just heard you've been injured by a flying sheep. Look, they're very nice. I'm sorry to be rude, but I'm not interested. I'm very happy with the supplier I've got. [Music] Now, dear Karen, the problems underneath the car now in the pa...

our souls hey stop titing about Ned or you'll go to [Music] [Music] hell hi hi my name's Lee who am I talking to today uh I'm Karen hi Karen I'm the local sales rep from Individual Car s would you mind very much if I show

you a sample from our latest range I'd rather not actually great now picture the scene it's Christmas Eve and Dave's mom's not well a he comes in here uh-oh confusion what's he going to do get her a Christmas card or a get well soon card

well now there's a card for both sorry to hear you're not feeling well at Christmas see make the cards more specific happy Easter and we're sorry to hear that you fell out of a tree thanks but I'm not really that

interested in can I read you a saucy card no thank super sorry to hear about your operation but look on the bright side it won't be the first time you've lay on your back whilst a fella fiddles around inside you I don't really think

that's appropriate of course it's not appropriate and why is it not appropriate Karen because it's not specific enough sorry to learn you're having your hip operation Nan especially on your ruby wedding anniversary but look on the bright side it won't be the

first time you've lay on your butat whil a fell no thank you okay they're very nice they may be removing a kidney due to severe inflammatory disorder on this very special pancake Tuesday congratulations on passing your driving test look I'm really very busy

just heard you've been injured by a flying sheep look they're very nice I'm sorry to be rude but I'm not interested I'm very happy with the supplier I've got [Music] now dear Karen the problems underneath the car now in the past I would about to lie on

the ground squeeze myself underneath it not anymore this hydraulic car ramp lifts your car in the air so I can have a proper look great ah there's your problem need a new exhaust come and meet my little boys

they're so adorable I love the looks of their little faces okay okay this is Mr Ted he's five and he's from the Enchanted Forest this is snug puss and um he's from the land of N and he helps me sleep when I'm lonely

don't you you do and this is um puddle and he's called that because he fell in a puddle when he was two yes come on let's go meet yours then all right this is Sam from lower Stu and he's on a blind date

have you tried that suit on yet I'll be out in a minute get a move on all right almost finished well I'll do on it what do you think yeah it's fine what does it look rubbish quite the

opposite sorry quite the opposite you look amazing mate you you okay you look fantastic well it's all right I suppose all right it's more than all right you look I look what you look like a prince you're going to be wearing the

same thing am I yeah we can look like a pair of princes we're going to be turning heads it's going to be like a fairy tale yeah come here get off [Music] me I do love the lake this time of year

Karen you're not going to like what I've got to say to you all those weekends away where nothing to do with work I'm having an affair with Wendy thanks how you feel cheers come on don't just botle your feelings up can't you hear what I'm

saying I'm leaving you I'm leaving the [Music] kids you're right was a big one now if you could just shut your right eye for me and open it and again now to me stop it morning [Applause] morning he's been free for ages you know

sorry he's been out of jail for over 10 years who has Nelson Mandela no bloody kids oh oh this is for you then oh great we've been waiting for this anything interesting yeah it's our campaign leaflets trying to get rid of that

Margaret Thatcher [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] [Music] do you [Laughter] mine hang on a minute isn't he the one that you know injes well why would he say that when the other blo you all along quiet where are we now is this a

flashback bit I don't even know what's going on anymore Ry please can we we watch the news in peace what do you want blood [Laughter] [Music] [Music] [Laughter] do you go on many blind dates no I'm glad you responded to my advert though

well it certainly stood out from the others 34-year-old lazy bugger requires woman for friendship and possibly more like ironing and stuff must be reasonably attractive nothing special I just don't want people sniggering when we're out in the street

that's your cake we haven't had our main courses yet as a starter no no thanks I'm fine really go on no really I'm fine I'm okay my treat no really of course you're not fat I take your order Madam oh hi yes uh

for the starter I'll have the carrot and taragan soup please okay sir cake as a starter just write it down main course this seared Lamb with warm bot Bean Tabet tell me does that contain bulgo weat yes it does actually is well

I'll have that then okay a fine Choice tell you what why don't I have that with the Brin sauce yum yum yes tell me the tacelli with baby clam chail and MCH to does that contain any chocolate chocolate no then I'll take

the cake I'll tell you what I'll have that the custard sauce yum yum dessert cake Madam do you have any tart Citron with crem fresh yes I love sir have you got any mcka rouard with raspberry No good I'll have a

cake if you're having cake a starter in main course I think the cake will then be finished we do have SB what's [Laughter] that a kind of frozen fruit a sort of free glass serve lass restur EX off look why don't you have it you like

it really it's nice all right s oi with custard fancy coming back to me mom's later have a cake do you live with your mom oh yeah in fact it was her idea to put that advert out do you know what she says she

goes Lee you need a woman in your life I can knit your jumpers I can D your soul and I can make your soup on a cold Winter's day but you can you stick your finger up my [Music]

bum this is going to take much longer it's ridiculous isn't it I haven't served a drink for the last hour oh at last hi can I have excuse me I think your found I was next I don't think you were oh okay

please can I have actually I've been here for ages I'll be with you in a minute um a bottle of larer please thank you right now what can you get me whiskey Chaser how old are you I'll get your whiskey Chaser shouting is

not going to make me go quicker you're too young yes I'll have a packet of peanuts please there you are you got anything smaller what you doing around here you're not allow this side of the bar excuse me can I get you another

logger please how many customers have you served today eight I think you've had enough haven't you that goes for all of you a haven't I got a home to go to [Music] [Music] [Music]