It took me almost 40 years to realize what I’ll tell you in 16 minutes

You are not suffering because of what has happened to you. You are suffering because you keep fighting what has happened to you.

Let that sink in for a second.

Your pain in your life isn't the problem.

Your resistance to it is.

And until you see this, you will stay stuck in a prison with the door wide open.

Your stress, your anxiety, your sadness will be in direct proportion to how much you're resisting the way that the world is. And the key to unlocking everything for you is to learn how to accept.

And so, let me drop this on you just so you can kind of understand it.

You don't resist something because it's painful. It's painful because you resist it.

I want you to hear that again.

You don't resist something because it's painful, it is painful because you resist it.

That's the difference between pain and suffering in your life.

Pain is inevitable.

You can't get through this life without at least a few scars.

Your breakups, your heartbreaks,

your parents' absence,

the death of a loved one.

All of those things, they're going to happen in some sort of way.

That is pain.

It's going to happen, it's inevitable.

But suffering on the other side, that is the remix that your mind plays on loop over and over and over and over and over again.

In the majority of people in this world are not going through pain.

What they're doing is they are creating their own internal mental suffering.

And that is where all of their problems are coming from.

Suffering is your internal wrestling with reality.

It's your wrestling match with reality.

It's your your late night why me monologues.

It's the clinging to what should have been or what you wish would have happened in your life.

It's the grudge against other people because of what they did to you.

Or the grudge because life is unfair in some sort of way.

And the craziest part of all of this is that so many people are suffering, but suffering is completely optional.

And so let's talk about it real quick.

Your brain is wired for survival, not happiness.

Its job is to scan for threats.

To replay old hurts and to predict the worst that could possibly happen so that you're quote unquote ready and prepared in case the worst ends up happening.

And this ancient software in our brain still runs today.

And so the pain is your nervous system saying, hey,

hey, something's happening here.

Like there's something that we should

we should notice.

You have your hand on a hot stove, hey, there's a problem, you need to make a change really quick.

Suffering is your prefrontal cortex of your brain refusing to let go.

It is trying to protect you from

future pain in some sort of way.

But it keeps old pain on replay so that you don't do the same thing again.

Thinking that it's keeping you safe.

But in reality, what it's doing is it's just really driving you crazy.

And it's holding you back from creating the life that you want.

It's like, I'll go with the example that I just gave you a second ago with with burning your hand on a hot stove, right?

Imagine burning your hand on a hot stove.

That pain,

that's that instant sharp pain that you feel.

And once all of it is healed, that pain is gone.

But five years later, you're still mad.

About how your sister bumped into you in the kitchen and if she wouldn't have bumped into you in the kitchen, you wouldn't have touched that hot stove.

That's the suffering.

That's the resistance.

That's wanting it to be different than it is.

That's trying to change something that is completely unchangeable.

And we will be right back.

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Check it out.

And let's get back to the episode.

And so,

resistance is the amplifier of your pain.

And if you can learn to let go of resistance and you can learn to accept reality as it is,

your life will be a million times better.

I want you to think of resistance as like the Chinese finger traps.

Do you remember those little Chinese finger traps, you put both your fingers in?

And then the more that you pull, the the tighter it actually gets.

Well, it's kind of the exact same thing.

You know, the the harder that you pull to free yourself, the tighter that it actually grips on you.

The resistance inside of it, where you're actually resisting and trying to get loose of it,

is literally what creates the tension in the Chinese finger trap.

The more that you wish reality was different in your life, the more that you actually feel stuck.

The more that you want your wife to be different or your dad to be different or your your sister to be different or your mother to be different or your husband to be different.

The more that you wish that they were different than they are,

the more that you actually suffer in that moment.

When you stop fighting the finger trap,

you're released from the finger trap.

So when you stop ruminating on the past,

that is when you're released from that suffering.

So the pain is the thing that happened to you.

And the suffering is the replay, the loop that you're stuck in, ten years down the road.

There's a lot of people in this world, there's a lot of people listening to this podcast that are still trapped in the

quote unquote Chinese finger trap of life.

And they're not free of it.

You know, they're they're 35 years old and they're still fighting.

How their dad didn't show up for them the way that they wanted to when they were a kid.

They're 50 years old and they're still resenting their mom for not giving them the love that they wanted.

They're 45 years old and they're still mad at the kids that bullied them when they were 12 years old.

They got out of a relationship two years ago, but they keep wanting to be back in that relationship with that person.

And so, the pain happened in the past.

But the suffering is continuing to happen in the present because of our resistance to what happened.

Oh, I just, I wish my dad would just be different.

Right?

Like it could be in the past.

But also it could be right now.

So many people are like, my dad is not this way.

I want my dad to be this way.

But he's not.

He's not that way.

He is who he is.

I was on a a call, uh live session that I had on for Mindset University.

And one of the ladies that was in there was like, I just want my dad to be different.

He's always doing this, this, this.

I'm like, how old are you?

And she's like, I'm 41.

I go, how long has he been this way?

And she's like, my entire life.

And I go,

he's not going to change.

You have to understand that.

The only problem is that you're not accepting that that's the way that he is.

And that is causing a struggle within yourself.

And so,

if you don't actually start to accept things,

you're going to live your adult life on pause.

Basically arguing with ghosts of the past.

Do you do you really see what I'm saying here?

Like, you are suffering.

Your stress, your anxiety, your depression, your sadness, your grief comes from resistance.

It is a prison that you are stuck in that you built.

And that only you have the key to get out of.

Do you see it?

And the cost?

Anxiety, depression, sleepless nights.

And don't even get me started on your poor nervous system.

Like your poor nervous system is locked in permanent fight mode against an opponent that doesn't even exist anymore.

Your nervous system is constantly in fight or flight just thinking like, what if it happens again?

What if this happens?

I've got to constantly keep myself on guard so that I don't get hurt again.

Like your nervous system is just so locked in.

Against an opponent trying to fight it when that opponent doesn't exist anymore.

And so,

what do we do?

Well, this is where it gets really hard, everybody.

It's such a simple thing to say and it's also such a hard thing to do.

But we can become better at it.

What do we do?

We learn to accept.

Now, I want to be very clear when I talk about acceptance.

Acceptance does not mean.

It doesn't equal approval.

Right? Accepting what happened to you in the past or accepting the way that somebody treats you in the present,

doesn't mean that you're saying it's okay.

It doesn't mean that you're saying that was fine.

It means that you are done carrying an extra 200 pounds of resistance strapped to your back.

You're releasing the burden that you've been carrying with you for too long.

And I want you to understand that acceptance is not a weakness.

Because a lot of people think, oh, if I accept what my dad did to me or accept what that person did to me, it's a weakness.

No, no, no.

It's not a weakness.

It's a strength.

It's you sitting there saying, listen,

I can't change the way they showed up.

I can't change my childhood.

I can't change how our relationship went.

It was messy.

But I can stop letting it ruin my present moment.

I can't undo the breakup.

But I can end the story that I keep telling myself, which is I'm unworthy of love.

Or that relationships are scary or that love equals pain.

And the moment that you stop resisting reality, reality stops being your enemy.

And so what do you do?

You've got to have actual practical steps to break free from this.

So hopefully at this point in time, you're starting to see, okay,

my pain and suffering and anxiety and sadness and grief and all that stuff comes from me not accepting.

It comes from me resisting.

And the more that I resist,

the more that it persists.

I'm the one carrying it with me into tomorrow.

So here's what we need to do.

The first thing is you need to become aware of it.

You need to notice your resistance.

You need to become very self-aware of when you catch yourself in the loop.

Because just because you've had the awareness that you don't want to suffer anymore,

doesn't mean that you're not going to suffer anymore.

You've got, you know, years and years and years of habits.

And patterns built in to your brain.

And so when you catch yourself in the loop of,

this shouldn't have happened.

Or if only it would have been different.

Or I wish they would have done this for me instead.

When you notice yourself in that loop,

just take a step back for a second.

Take yourself out of the jar.

I always say when you're in the jar, you can't read the label.

Take yourself out of the jar.

Look at yourself, look at your life as a third person.

And gently just become aware of the resistance.

And go, oh,

okay, yeah, that's that's the resistance right there.

So become aware of it first.

And then the second thing you want to do is you want to shift from this like why me type of

victim mentality to now what?

Why me is focused on like, it's focused on the past.

It feeds your suffering.

Oh, why did this happen to me?

I wish it would have been different.

All of that and you switch it to now what?

Now what is present focused?

And it frees you.

Because you're in the present moment looking at it.

And now you can come up with a plan.

I want you to understand that no matter what happened to you in your past, no matter what it was that happened to you in your childhood.

It might not have been your fault.

But it is your responsibility to do something with it.

Like when I look back in my childhood, it's not my fault that my father was an alcoholic.

It's not my fault that my parents got divorced.

It's not my fault that my father passed away when I was 15 years old from liver failure from being an alcoholic.

It's not my fault.

But it is my responsibility to do something with my life.

Because of the fact that that's just part of the hands that I was dealt.

So I might as well play this hand the best that I possibly can.

And so that's the second thing.

Is to start to shift from the the why me past victim-based thinking to now what?

Now what can I do with it?

It's not your fault.

But it is your responsibility.

Number three is to practice radical acceptance.

Think to yourself,

hey, it is what it is.

I can't change it.

Can't change it.

It is what it is.

And then just ease into accepting it.

Instead of fighting against it.

Take a couple deep breaths and say,

hey, you know what?

I can't change it.

I can't change it.

And just repeat it over again, I can't change it, I can't change him, I can't change her, I can't change what happened.

I can't change it.

I can't change it.

It's okay.

I'm I'm safe.

It's okay, I'm going to change my life from this moment forward.

And you start practicing radical acceptance of it.

I accept it.

I can't change it.

I will be better because of it.

I accept it.

I can't change it.

I will be better because of it.

So you practice this radical self-acceptance.

And then what you do is you actually start to use these things to rewire your brain.

Couple things that I recommend.

Try to have some sort of gratitude practice around what happened to you.

Part of my, you know, when I talk about being grateful for stuff and having a gratitude practice,

it's not just about like, hey, thanks for for how amazing my life is.

And for my house and my family and for my health and all that stuff.

That is important.

But part of my gratitude practice every single day is to say how grateful I am for my challenges, for my hardest moments in my life.

So that I can look at them in a light that is more positive versus being the victim of them.

Because they gave me lessons.

They made me who I am.

I am a stronger person because of what happened to me.

So I'm going to start being grateful for the things that I thought were my worst enemy years ago.

So that's the first thing is gratitude practice.

And the second thing is journaling around it.

Write a new script.

You've been thinking of this old event 17 years ago in an old way.

Oh, I am this way because she treated me this way and I'm unlovable or I'm not smart enough or

whatever it might be that was your script that you had.

And you're going to say,

this is the new script from this moment forward.

This is how I am going to perceive what happened to me.

And the meaning that I am going to give what happened to me.

You have to remember.

Neuroplasticity is real.

What we're talking about with these two things of gratitude practice and journaling is to train your brain.

To learn to let go and to actually rewrite the script on things that you've been using to hold yourself back on accident.

And so the hard truth is that your suffering will always be in direct proportion to how much you resist the reality.

The less that you resist reality,

the less that you will suffer.

The more acceptance that you have in your life,

the more peace that you have in your life.

You cannot control 99.9% of the things that happened to you in this world.

But you can control whether you fight it and cause yourself suffering or you flow with it and you create something with it.

And so the truth of it is, acceptance is not just the end of suffering.

It's really the beginning of your freedom.

Because when you stop wrestling with what should have been,

you finally get to live in this present moment with what is.

And that's where your joy, that's where your creativity, your happiness, your love and your true power live.

And so stop resisting the way that the world is and start accepting it.

And if you do that, you will be a happier and much better person.

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