The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals (2025 Remount)

Team StarKid's 2025 remount of 'The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals': Paul, a holdout who refuses to join the musical-loving crowd, is pulled into a chaotic apocalyptic adventure in Hatchetfield.

Key Takeaways

Team StarKid's remount blends comedy, musical theatre parody, and sci-fi apocalypse into a cohesive stage show
The protagonist's refusal to embrace musicals serves as the central comedic and thematic conflict
Satire of modern culture, consumerism, and musical theatre fandom runs throughout the performance
The production relies heavily on audience engagement and quick, punchy musical numbers

What the video covers

Opens with a showstopping musical number introducing Paul, a office worker in Hatchetfield who refuses to sing or join the town's musical culture
Paul's coworkers and acquaintances (Melissa, Mr. Davidson, Bill, Ted) repeatedly pressure him to participate in musical activities, which he rejects
Subplots develop around Bill's attempts to reconnect with his daughter Emma through a 'Mamma Mia!' outing and Charlotte's troubled marriage and smoking habit
A coffee-shop trip to Beanie's introduces Paul's crush on the barista and sets up his daily routine and frustrations
Mid-episode, a meteor-driven catastrophe begins affecting the town, with characters becoming increasingly panicked and disoriented
Characters seek refuge and try to find answers about what is happening, with Charlotte and Emma among those who drive the plot forward
The narrative escalates into a climactic apocalypse sequence filled with comedic and dramatic musical numbers
Paul's character arc centers on his resistance to musicals and eventual confrontation with the consequences of refusing community and song
The production uses rapid comedic dialogue, satirical references to pop culture (Hamilton, Mamma Mia!, Starbucks), and frequent audience reactions
Overall tone blends sharp satire of musical theatre conventions with sincere character moments and escalating stakes

Chapters

What is the central conflict of the musical?

The story follows Paul, a resident of Hatchetfield who refuses to join in the town's love of musicals and song. As the community is swept up in increasingly absurd events, his resistance becomes the focal point of both comedy and drama.

Which characters are most prominent in this excerpt?

Paul is the main character, alongside coworkers Melissa and Ted, the frazzled Charlotte, Bill and his daughter Emma, and the barista at Beanie's. Each contributes to the escalating chaos.

What tone does the production take?

The tone is irreverent and satirical, mixing crude humor, pop-culture references, and audience interaction with moments of genuine emotional stakes as the apocalypse approaches.

Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

Speaker A

(dramatic music) (audience cheering) (lightning buzzing) (upbeat music) ♪ Ooh ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ The greatest stories ever told ♪ ♪ Have a hero who must be bold ♪ ♪ They learn a sense of right and wrong ♪ ♪ And better learn that sense through song ♪

Speaker A

♪ Musicals tell the impossible ♪ ♪ They evoke the philosophical, yeah ♪ ♪ So tonight we're gonna chronicle a story so astronomical ♪ ♪ The last remaining story to tell ♪ ♪ The guy who didn't like musicals ♪

Speaker A

♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ I mean, what the fuck ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, did not like like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ He's the guy who didn't like musicals ♪

Speaker A

♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Yeah, what the fuck ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, did not like like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ In the tiny town of Hatchetfield ♪

Speaker A

♪ Lived an awful grinch named Paul ♪ ♪ He spends his days surfing the web ♪ ♪ And not singing and dancing with us all. ♪ ♪ Should we kill him ♪ ♪ Should we kill him ♪ ♪ He pines after a cute lil' barista ♪

Speaker A

♪ Isn't that worth a show-stopping fiesta, yeah ♪ ♪ But for some damn reason ♪ ♪ He won't join our singing season ♪ ♪ What an ass ♪ ♪ What a bitch ♪ ♪ What a cuck ♪ ♪ The guy who didn't like musicals ♪

Speaker A

♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, did not like like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ He's the guy who didn't like musicals ♪

Speaker A

♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, did not like like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ It's the end of the world, Paul ♪ ♪ If you don't sing ♪

Speaker A

♪ This is the bridge, Paul ♪ ♪ Where we globalize everything ♪ ♪ And the words will come to you ♪ ♪ We swear we will teach you ♪ ♪ What it means to love ♪ ♪ What it means to obey ♪

Speaker A

♪ Paul ♪ (suspenders clicking) (audience laughing) - The apotheosis is upon us! - [Chorus] Yay.

Speaker A

♪ Did ya' hear the word ♪ ♪ What's the word ♪ ♪ He's a'comin' ♪ ♪ Who's a'comin' ♪ ♪ Paul's a'comin' ♪ ♪ Paul's a'comin' ♪ ♪ The star of the show ♪ ♪ Did ya' hear the word? ♪

Speaker A

♪ What's the word? ♪ ♪ He's a'comin' ♪ ♪ Who's a'comin' ♪ ♪ Paul's a'comin' ♪ ♪ Paul's a'comin' ♪ ♪ The star of the show ♪ ♪ Now for his headlining entrance ♪ ♪ Time to swoon at his leading man essence ♪

Speaker A

♪ His name is in the title ♪ ♪ He's destined to go viral ♪ ♪ Here he his ♪ ♪ His name is Paul ♪ ♪ Enter now ♪ (audience laughing) - Where the fuck is he? (audience laughing)

Speaker A

- I have no fucking clue. (audience laughing) ♪ The guy just doesn't like musicals ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪

Speaker A

♪ He's the guy who didn't like musicals ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, did not like like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ And he definitely won't like this ♪

Speaker A

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ ♪ He's the guy who didn't like musicals ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪ ♪ Na, na, na, na, na, no ♪ ♪ No ♪ ♪ Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like-'em ♪

Speaker A

♪ Paul, you piece of shit ♪ (audience cheering) (mouse clicking) (keyboard keys clacking) (audience laughing) (mouse clicking) (keyboard keys clacking) (audience laughing) - Hey, Paul. (keyboard keys clicking) - Yeah?

Speaker A

- I was trying to print something. I think I mighta sent it to your printer.

Speaker A

- Uh. (Paul sighing) (paper rustling) Yup. (keyboard keys clacking) (audience laughing) Just remember, you wanna print from the HP LaserJet, not the HP InkJet.

Speaker A

- Right. Sorry, Paul. - It's fine. (keyboard keys clacking) (audience laughing) - Hey, Paul.

Speaker A

Can I get those reports on my desk by the end of the day? - Yes, Mr. Davidson.

Speaker A

- Great. (audience laughing) (keyboard keys clacking) (mouse clicking) - Hi, Paul. - Hey, Melissa.

Speaker A

- Did you gonna sign up for the company softball league? - No. (audience laughing) - Oh. Well, it might be fun.

Speaker A

- Yeah. I don't want to though. (audience laughing) - Okay. (Melissa laughing nervously) Well, Mr. Davidson would like those reports on his desk by the end of the day.

Speaker A

- Will do. - Okay. Oh. (audience laughing) (keyboard keys clacking) (phone ringing) - CCRP Technical. This is Charlotte.

Speaker A

How can I help you today? Oh, hi Sam! How are things down at the precinct?

Speaker A

Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. My day's been... Huh? Oh. How late? But, sweetheart, it's cuddle-night.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) What do you mean so what? The counselor says we should do it at least once a month.

Speaker A

Yes, but honey, we skipped last month. Well, you don't think I'm tired too? Maybe tomorrow night then, huh?

Speaker A

No, no, you're right. We should stick to the schedule. Next month it is. All right, SAM, well, hey, you take care and be careful.

Speaker A

And Sam, I love... - [Audience] Aw. - Sam? (audience laughing) That was Sam. He's doing just fine.

Speaker A

Counseling's working out real swell. - Oh, uh, Charlotte, I'm sorry. You can't smoke in here.

Speaker A

- Huh? - You... - Oh. (audience laughing) I didn't even realize. Sorry. - It's okay.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) (Charlotte gulping) (Charlotte burping) (audience laughing) (keyboard keys clacking) (Paul sighing) - Well, I'm gonna go get some coffee from Beanie's.

Speaker A

Anyone wanna come? Bill? (mouse clicking) (audience laughing) - I can't. I gotta keep refreshing this webpage.

Speaker A

I got Alice for one more night before she goes home to Clivesdale. Her mother, just to make me look small, took her all the way to New York to see "Hamilton." - Ugh. - And she loved it.

Speaker A

So to prove to my ex-wife that two can play at that game, I'm on Hot Tix right now, and the moment more become available, I'm getting tickets for tonight 'cause guess what, Paul.

Speaker A

It's finally here, at the old Starlight Theater in downtown Hatchetfield, the touring production of "Mamma Mia!" - Oh, wow. She'll love that just as much as "Hamilton." (audience laughing) - It's a musical!

Speaker A

Hey, you wanna tag along? Remember when you used to babysit her? Drive her to school?

Speaker A

- Yeah. - She thinks you're cool. Maybe you can talk me up a bit.

Speaker A

Let her know her old dad's pretty cool too. (audience laughing) - Bill, no. (audience laughing) Sorry. - You got other plans?

Speaker A

- No. - So you'd rather do nothing than come with us to see "Mamma Mia?" - Bill, I'd rather do anything than go see "Mamma Mia." The idea of sitting there, trapped in a musical, that is my own personal hell.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - I'm trying to reconnect with my teenage kid and you're just gonna leave me hanging?

Speaker A

- Yeah. (audience laughing) Sorry about that. But hey! I'll grab you something from Beanie's!

Speaker A

My treat. What do you want? - I just want my daughter back. (audience laughing) - How about an iced caramel frappe?

Speaker A

Nothin' better! - You goin' to Beanie's? - Yeah. (audience laughing) - You didn't invite me.

Speaker A

- Sorry, Ted. Do you wanna come? - No, no, no, no, no. I don't wanna show you up.

Speaker A

- What do you mean? - Paul, come on. I know why you walk that extra block instead of just going to the Starbucks across the street.

Speaker A

- I don't wanna give my money to some corporate chain. - Uh huh, uh huh.

Speaker A

- That's just gonna take that money, put it in a bank and go (indistinct).

Speaker A

- Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with that cute little barista over there?

Speaker A

(audience laughing) (Ted chewing gum) The latte hottay as she's known throughout the land. (audience laughing) My wife. (audience laughing) Dude, it's Borat. - Okay, bye, Ted.

Speaker A

- Hey! Get me a chai iced tea, eh? Eh. Ah. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) (bell ringing) - Hi. Can I help you?

Speaker A

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, can I get a grande caramel frappe in a venti cup with 10 pumps of hazelnut, three shots of espresso, no caramel drizzle and a whip on top, and a pasticcio croissant?

Speaker A

- Sure. That'll be $5.50. - Jesus. Fine. (audience laughing) Hey! - Yeah. - I just tippe

Speaker A

- Oh! Well, thank you. - Aren't you gonna sing? The sign says, "Tip for a song." (Emma chuckling) - Yeah. That's a new thing.

Speaker A

The owner went to Cold Stone Creamery over the weekend and brought back the whole singing thing.

Speaker A

But, you know, there's a line, and um... (audience laughing) Well, and people are working, so I don't wanna disturb anyone.

Speaker A

- I don't care. I just tipped you, come on. - Okay, well, did you do that to be nice or did you do it to be an asshole?

Speaker A

- Fine. I'll take it back then. - Oh no! What am I gonna do without that dollar I have to split with five other people?

Speaker A

- You know what, I'm never coming back here again. That sign's bullshit! The sign's bullshit. (audience laughing) - Emma, what's the deal over here?

Speaker A

- That guy flipped out on me for practically no reason. - She wouldn't sing for him.

Speaker A

(audience cheering) And I still have not received my hot chocolate! - Sorry. I'll get right on that.

Speaker A

- Sorry, I'm sorry, sir, we'll get you a voucher, okay? Thank you. - I have low blood sugar!

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - Emma, I already warned you twice. - It's embarrassing, Nora. I mean, Zoey's fine with the whole singing thing 'cause she majored in theater - I think it's really a fun idea, Nora.

Speaker A

- Why aren't you working? - Oh, I'm on vocal rest. - What? - I'm on vocal rest.

Speaker A

Goddammit, Emma! Now I'm gonna get tea with honey, okay? Oh my God. (audience laughing) - Look, can't Zoey just do all the singing? I don't like it.

Speaker A

- Huh, well, then you must not like having a job then, huh? In fact, don't bother coming in for your next shift.

Speaker A

- Wait, what? Are you ser... Wait a minute. I'll do the singing, okay? - Yeah, you will.

Speaker A

Now move your ass. You got a line. (audience laughing) - Hi. Can I help you?

Speaker A

- Uh. Yeah. I got an easy one for ya. Just a cup of black coffee.

Speaker A

- Jesus. Really? (Emma chuckling) ♪ I've been brewing up your coffee ♪ - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker A

I don't need you to sing. I just tipped because, you know. people should tip.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - Oh. Well, thank you. 'Cause if I have to sing for it, it's not really a tip, right?

Speaker A

It's just like, like I have another shitty paying job on top of my already shitty paying job.

Speaker A

'Cause like, most of my tips are less than a buck. So after the split, I'm making like not even 25 cents a song.

Speaker A

So less than a fucking jukebox. Except a jukebox doesn't also have to make coffee for all these assholes! (audience laughing) Not that you're an asshole.

Speaker A

Well, maybe you are. what'd you tip? Whoa, five bucks? You meant this for me though, right?

Speaker A

Like, I don't have to share this with anyone? - Oh, yeah, that's for you. I don't give a shit about them.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - That's very sweet. God, I'm so sick of Nora, and Zoey who's technically my manager, even though she's 10 years younger than me.

Speaker A

She hired all her little theater friends, and they will not shut the fuck up about some crappy production of "Godspell" they did last summer.

Speaker A

- That the one at the rec center, right? I think I saw that. I did not like it.

Speaker A

- Yeah! It sucked, right? - Yeah, they shouldn't call it "Godspell." More like "God-awful." - Yeah, or "God-damn-that-was-bad." - Yeah. (both laughing) I don't like musicals. (audience laughing) Watching people sing and dance makes me very uncomfortable.

Speaker A

- Then why do you come to the singing coffee shop? You know, there's a Starbucks down the street.

Speaker A

- Yeah, well, you know, some things are worth it. Like, (Paul slurping) damn good coffee. (audience laughing) - I see you in here all the time, don't I?

Speaker A

What's your name? - I'm Paul. - Hi, Paul. I'm Emma. - Excuse me! I have been waiting for a very long while!

Speaker A

- Sorry! Sorry! - Okay. Well, bye Emma! (bell ringing) Emma. (Paul sighing) Oh shoot! I forgot Bill's caramel frappe.

Speaker A

Eh, fuck, Bill. (audience laughing) - [Audience] Yeah. (audience cheering) - Hi, can I talk to talk about saving the...

Speaker A

Hi! Can I talk to you about saving the planet? (canvasser sighing) Oh hi! - Oh, hey, what's up?

Speaker A

- Not much. (audience laughing) Hi, are you interested in saving the planet? - Yes, I am, but I just got off work.

Speaker A

- Oh, it'll only take a few minutes. It's for the planet. - Okay, yeah, but I have...

Speaker A

- I just wanna talk to you about how you can contribute to Greenpeace's efforts all around the globe.

Speaker A

- Oh! Greenpeace. You know what? I'm actually already signed up with you guys. I already give.

Speaker A

- Oh! That's so generous of you! So then you know about our campaign to save the sea turtles?

Speaker A

- Yeah, yeah, I've been gettin' the emails. I've been reading all about it. - About the campaign that doesn't exist?

Speaker A

The one that I just made up? You don't give to Greenpeace, do you? - Do you know how much of that money actually goes to the turtles?

Speaker A

- Well, none of it. I just made that up. - That's right. None! It goes to line the pockets of some corporate big-wigs!

Speaker A

I give my money directly to the people who need it. - Oh, spare change for the homeless?

Speaker A

- Sorry, I don't have anything. - Wow. You're a real humanitarian. - And you know what? (audience laughing) You come on a little strong with that whole save the planet bit.

Speaker A

As if I'm gonna do that single handedly. - Well, you know what? I actually...

Speaker A

(thunder crashing) - What is that? (rain clattering) - Oh. Heavens to Betsy. There's some kinda terrible storm out there.

Speaker A

I hope Sam's all right. - Fuck Sam. (audience laughing) Come back to bed, all right?

Speaker A

- All right, Ted. But this has to be the last time. - Sure, Charlotte! Just like last time was the last time.

Speaker A

If you don't like what we're doing here, there's the door! (thunder booming) - Oh, great. The cherry on top of an already perfect day.

Speaker A

Zoey, you need a ride? - In your shitty car? Yeah, I'd rather not crash and die, thank you, girl.

Speaker A

- Great. - Excuse me, but I've got a warrant to inspect the junk in your trunk.

Speaker A

- Arg. You are such an asshole, Sam. That uniform is so fucking sexy. Hey, I got a little present for you.

Speaker A

These two tickets to "Mamma Mia!" - No way! You got 'em!? I never miss a musical at the Starlight!

Speaker A

And if anyone thinks that makes me less of a man, they can talk to my fucking gun!

Speaker A

- Yeah! (thunder booming) - Holy hell! It's raining cats and dogs! Are you sure you don't want me to pick you up?

Speaker A

Okay. Yes, I got a ticket for Deb. And afterwards, we're gonna go to your favorite restaurant!

Speaker A

Red Lobster! Yeah, I know Deb's a vegetarian. They got fish. Vegan!? But it's crab-fest! Alice, you're killing me!

Speaker A

(thunder crashing) - Right, Dad, we'll meet you at the theater, okay? - Hey, Alice, take a hit.

Speaker A

- Oh, I don't think I oughta. - She doesn't have to if she doesn't want to.

Speaker A

- Come on, Deb! That's not how it works! You're either in the Smoke Club, or you're out!

Speaker A

- Well, then maybe we're out. Come on, Alice. Those guys are assholes anyway. (thunder booming) - Whoa.

Speaker A

What is that coming through the clouds? (thunder booming) - Good God. (audience cheering) Alexa, it's happening!

Speaker A

Come on, you bastard! You don't think I'm ready for you?! I've been waiting in the wings! The stage is set!

Speaker A

It's showtime! (audience cheering) (suspenseful music) (dramatic news music) - [Narrator] This is the Morning Hatchetfield News with Dan and Donna.

Speaker A

- [Donna] They said he wouldn't make it. That he had fallen from too great a height.

Speaker A

But this little guy beat the odds and captured our hearts. Now weighing in at almost 10 ounces, Peanuts the Hatchetfield Pocket Squirrel has outgrown his adopted father's pocket.

Speaker A

- Peanuts! (audience laughing) - [Donna] Luckily, proud papa Ed has been squirreling away on his GoFundMe page to build Peanuts his very own, get this, Dan, squirrel-house.

Speaker A

- [Dan] That's amazing, Donna. - [Donna] And something else has fallen to the ground here in Hatchetfield.

Speaker A

This time from outer space. The meteor... (screen whooshing) (audience laughing) (door chain clinking) (doorknob clicking) (lever clicking) (audience laughing) (door squeaking) (door slamming) (audience laughing) (keys jangling) (lock clicking) (Paul sighing) (lively music) (audience laughing) ♪ Let's go ♪ (singer beatboxing)

Speaker A

- Hey. Hey, guy, hey, okay. (Paul laughing) Hey, did you see that? (Paul gasping) Oh, it's you.

Speaker A

Listen, I'm not a bad guy, okay? I've given to charities in the past. I used to do the Relay For Life every year when I was a kid.

Speaker A

♪ Yeah-e-yeah ♪ ♪ Just a typical day ♪ - What? ♪ That's got me feeling ♪ ♪ In a beautiful way ♪ ♪ No rhyme or reason ♪ ♪ We could sing a duet ♪ ♪ Or dance a style or two ♪

Speaker A

♪ Or I'll make you a bet ♪ ♪ Boop, just a smile will do ♪ ♪ Sometimes I just wanna shout ♪ ♪ On top of roof and mountain tops ♪ ♪ That all the world is paved in gold ♪

Speaker A

- Oh, are they with Greenpeace too? ♪ Yesterday is retroactive ♪ ♪ Got myself a new perspective ♪ ♪ I strut it up and down the road ♪ ♪ So I throw my worries ♪ ♪ And my old skin away ♪

Speaker A

♪ Doin' what I want to ♪ ♪ On this la dee da da day, la dee da da day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪

Speaker A

♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ - What the fuck was that?

Speaker A

- Oh, spare change for the homeless? - Sorry, I don't have anything. - Hey man, that's cool.

Speaker A

♪ 'Cause I may not have a home ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ But that's way okay ♪ ♪ 'Cause I prefer to roam ♪ ♪ The streets all day ♪ ♪ The world is my house ♪ ♪ Oh, the dogs are my food ♪

Speaker A

♪ Oh, look a new blouse ♪ ♪ Oh, and a new trash tattoo ♪ ♪ I used to want to kill them all ♪ ♪ While high on bath salt-zombie-drugs ♪ ♪ While snacking on a dead man's face ♪

Speaker A

- Oh no, no! ♪ But that just feels like yesterday ♪ ♪ A song takes all the pain away ♪ ♪ My politics and house-view's changed ♪ (homeless person chuckling) ♪ Dancing on the concrete, oh, used to hurt a lot ♪

Speaker A

♪ But now I got new feet ♪ ♪ And this jam's just way too hot ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪

Speaker A

♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ - Uh, excuse me.

Speaker A

What's going on here? I'm very confused and concerned by all this. ♪ Do you wanna save the planet ♪ ♪ Of course you wanna save the planet ♪ ♪ Do you wanna save the planet ♪ ♪ Well, there's just one way you can do it ♪

Speaker A

♪ By singing a song ♪ ♪ Singing a song ♪ ♪ Singing along ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee da da ♪ ♪ Da dee dah dah dah dee dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah ♪

Speaker A

♪ La dee dah dah dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪

Speaker A

♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ Away ♪ ♪ La dee dah daaaah ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ Day ♪ (audience cheering) - [Chorus] Lights down!

Speaker A

I was really playing with something there. - That was fun. - This one's got muscles.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) (lively music) (Paul sniffing) (audience laughing) - Okay. (audience laughing) Okay. (Paul chuckling) Okay. Okay.

Speaker A

Okay. (audience laughing) Okay. (Paul sighing) (Paul mumbling) (audience laughing) 'Kay. Uh... Okay. (audience laughing) okay. (audience laughing) (Paul sighing) Okay. (audience laughing) Meh, okay. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) (audience laughing) - Now, I get that Alice is 18.

Speaker A

She's a senior. She's got her own life. But I only get my daughter for one week a month, and she wants to spend that whole time with her girlfriend, Deb!

Speaker A

So I say, "Bring Deb along! We'll all go to the theater!" And would you believe it?

Speaker A

We get there and the whole thing was exploded by a god-dang meteor! Mamma mia! (audience laughing) Huge hole right through the marquee and everything.

Speaker A

Can you believe that, Charlotte? Charlotte? - Huh? - You got enough coffee in the sugar?

Speaker A

- Oh. I didn't even realize. Sorry! I'll make another pot. Coffee in the sugar. (Charlotte chuckling) Bill, you're a riot. (audience laughing) - Okay.

Speaker A

Okay. (audience laughing) Okay. Okay. Hey, guys. (audience laughing) Uh, is today some kind of, I don't know, a Canadian holiday or something?

Speaker A

Like International Music Day? - Not that I know of. - Okay, 'cause I just saw this group of people singing and dancing like they were in a musical.

Speaker A

There was this homeless guy and this very rude woman from Greenpeace doing this whole choreographed number.

Speaker A

- Wait, like a flash mob? - Yeah. Yeah, I mean, what else could it have been, right?

Speaker A

- Well, did you get a video of it? - No. (audience laughing) - You're fucking useless, Paul.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - I just have a bad feeling about all this. Charlotte? - Huh, what, huh?

Speaker A

- Have you noticed anything strange? - Me? Oh, uh, no. It's nothing. It's just, um...

Speaker A

My husband, Sam, (sad music) he came home late last night. - Ha, he didn't get home at all!

Speaker A

(audience laughing) I heard. I wasn't there. (audience laughing) - He must've rolled in around 6 this morning.

Speaker A

He was in the shower when I woke up. I could hear him. He was singing.

Speaker A

And I know this is a strange thing to realize because well, Sam's not a bad singer, he's just always been a little flat.

Speaker A

But not this morning. Today he sounded like an angel. (Charlotte sniffing) And I don't know why, but it frightened me.

Speaker A

It just... It didn't sound like my Sam. I must sound silly. I'm probably just imagining things.

Speaker A

So... (Charlotte chuckling) - Charlotte. - Yeah. - Do you remember what Sam was singing?

Speaker A

- It was just a silly, little song. Something like, "lah dee." - [Both] "Dah dah day." - Paul. (Charlotte gasping) (audience laughing) Mr. Davidson would liek to see you in his office.

Speaker A

- Oh shoot! I forgot to turn in my weekly reports yesterday. I am gonna get it.

Speaker A

(lively music) (audience cheering) - Hey, Mr. Davidson. (Paul chuckling) I think I know why you called me in here today.

Speaker A

My weekly reports were not turned in yesterday. Not because it's not done. They are done.

Speaker A

There's a problem with the printer network. You see, you print something out here, it gets sent over there. (Paul chuckling) I bet my reports are sitting in someone else's printer tray right now.

Speaker A

If you give me until the end of the day, I can find it. (feet booming) Uh, not do it.

Speaker A

I wouldn't just not do my statistical analysis. That would really gum things up here in the office, and well, that's the last thing I want.

Speaker A

(piano note playing) (paper rustling) (audience laughing) (audience cheering) ♪ What do you want, Paul? ♪ - Excuse me?

Speaker A

♪ Tell me what you desire to see ♪ ♪ Your deepest intent, Paul ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ What do you see for this company ♪ ♪ I'm looking for someone with strong ambition ♪ ♪ Someone to sell their specific vision ♪

Speaker A

♪ Someone to share with precise precision ♪ ♪ Their thoughts ♪ ♪ 'Cause I want you to want to want ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ To want ♪ - So, tell me, Paul, what do you want?

Speaker A

(audience laughing) What's that one concrete goal that motivates all of your actions? - I don't think I have one of those.

Speaker A

- Then how's anyone supposed to sympathize with you, Paul? - I don't know, I want what anybody wants.

Speaker A

Money, a house, uh, kids maybe one day. ♪ I want you to want, Paul ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ A man so vague just can't be trusted ♪ ♪ Something you pine for ♪ - Mr. Davidson?

Speaker A

♪ Maybe someone who keeps you lusted ♪ ♪ I'm just the boss, I'm not an idea guy ♪ ♪ I hire you Pauls to keep our stock high ♪ ♪ But if you can't pin that point that's in the sky ♪

Speaker A

♪ Then I need you to want ♪ - Oh! (audience laughing) ♪ To want ♪ ♪ Do you know what I want for myself ♪ - No.

Speaker A

♪ I've waited for so long ♪ ♪ To tell somebody else ♪ ♪ Carol, my wife ♪ ♪ You're my muse, my source of light ♪ ♪ Carol, my love ♪ ♪ I want you to choke me out at night ♪

Speaker A

♪ I want you to choke me ♪ ♪ I want you to choke me ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ I want you to choke me ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ While I jerk off ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ I want you to choke me ♪

Speaker A

♪ While I jerk off ♪ (audience laughing) - Melissa, get my wife on the phone for me?

Speaker A

- Mr. Davidson, I think I should leave. - No, Paul. I want you to hear this.

Speaker A

If you leave, you are fired. (audience laughing) (Paul choking) Carol, hi. Yes, oh, everything's fine, I promise.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) I just, uh, wanted to tell you something. (audience laughing) Uh huh. I, uh... (tranquil music) Forgot what it was.

Speaker A

I didn't forget. (audience laughing) Maybe someday I'll remember. Someday. Goodbye. (dramatic sad music) ♪ Paul, now you know what it is to want ♪ - I wanna go home.

Speaker A

♪ It consumes a man with a passion ♪ ♪ To drive the primary plot ♪ ♪ So take up yoga or improv classes ♪ ♪ Volunteer at shelters or Twitch to the masses ♪ ♪ There's gotta be something that'll keep my hands off you ♪

Speaker A

♪ Off You ♪ ♪ 'Cause I want you to want ♪ - Mr. Davidson, I'm gonna go get some coffee!

Speaker A

Do you want anything? ♪ No, I need you to want ♪ - How about an iced caramel frap? Nothin' better!

Speaker A

♪ And if you don't want ♪ ♪ We're through ♪ - Paul? Paul? ♪ Paul ♪ (audience cheering) (tranquil music) - Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Speaker A

Okay okay. Get a grip, Paul. This isn't happening. You're hallucinating. Better yet, you're still dreaming!

Speaker A

You need to wake up. You need some coffee. That's it. Just a good old cup of black coffee.

Speaker A

Nothin' in it. No cream, no sugar. Just a cup of black coffee, that's what you're gonna have.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) (Paul panting) (tranquil music) (bell ringing) (audience laughing) Hello? (audience laughing) Hello? Please, God. I just want a black coffee!

Speaker A

(Paul sobbing) (lively music) ♪ Black coffee ♪ ♪ I'm you're coffee gal ♪ - No. No, not you too, Emma!

Speaker A

Please God, stop singing! - Okay, okay, I'll stop. I didn't forget. You're the guy who doesn't like musicals.

Speaker A

Paul right? - Emma. You're talking to me like a normal person. - Yeah, and if my boss catches me, I'll get canned.

Speaker A

Oh, new company policy. Not only do we have to sing when people tip, but when they enter, when they order, all the time apparently!

Speaker A

- Emma, I think there's something terribly wrong with the world today. - Yeah, fucking tell me about it.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) I spent the whole morning learning some dumbass new tip song. I'm exhausted.

Speaker A

- Emma, Emma. Emma. (Paul grunting) Emma, I feel like there's something sinister infecting Hatchetfield.

Speaker A

And I know this is gonna sound crazy and not very scary but it is scary if you think about the implications.

Speaker A

Promise me you'll think about the implications! - Okay, I promise. - Okay. Okay, Emma, I think the world is becoming a musical.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) (Emma scoffing) Don't say anything! Let it sink in. (audience laughing) - Okay. - Okay.

Speaker A

Now, are you frightened? (audience laughing) - Yeah, I think I am starting to get a little frightened.

Speaker A

- You should be, Emma! - You should be. - Okay. (bell dinging) - [Both] Emma, tip!

Speaker A

- Thank God. Sorry, Paul. I gotta do that new dumbass tip song. (lively music) ♪ Get your cup of roasted coffee ♪ ♪ Your morning cup of joey ♪ ♪ We'll make a jamming cup of java Mocha latte ♪

Speaker A

♪ With the froth for ya, Jack ♪ ♪ Frappuccino with the freshly roasted mung beans ♪ ♪ It's a caramel drizzled mud in a cup ♪ ♪ With a drip, drip, drip, drip, drip ♪ ♪ And we'll bring it right up ♪

Speaker A

♪ Hey, Mr. Business, how do ya' do ♪ ♪ Can we get a triple for you ♪ ♪ Decaf ♪ ♪ What ♪ ♪ Decaf ♪ ♪ What ♪ ♪ Di-di di-di-di di-di ♪ ♪ And we'll bring it right up ♪

Speaker A

♪ Oy, oy, oy ♪ (lively music) (audience laughing) (Paul speaking indistinctly) - Did you order? Did you order something?

Speaker A

(both speaking indistinctly) ♪ Emma ♪ (lively music) (performers slurping) - [All] Ah. (audience laughing) ♪ And we'll bring it ♪ ♪ And we'll bring it ♪ ♪ Right, right, right ♪ ♪ And we'll bring it right up ♪

Speaker A

- Okay, so... Whoa. What is this? What is that? Hello. Zoey. Stop stop stop stop.

Speaker A

God. (audience laughing) What the hell is that? It's like a whole other A-section? When did you even learn that?

Speaker A

You know what? I'm done! When I got this job, I signed up to serve coffee and cold, shitty pastries.

Speaker A

If I wanted to be in a musical, I'd be in a damn musical. (Emma chuckling) Yeah, that's right, Zoey.

Speaker A

I was in Brigadoon in high school and I fuckin' killed it. (audience laughing) But now, I am just trying to make ends meet while I work my way through community college, and I can do that just as easily

Speaker A

down the street at Starbucks. I quit! - [Both] You can't quit, Emma. - Yeah, I sure as hell can.

Speaker A

- [Both] The song is so simple. We'll teach you. Everyone here will be singing it soon!

Speaker A

- What are you talking about? - [Both] They've all had their coffee. Their apotheosis will be upon them at any moment!

Speaker A

- What did you do to their coffee? (dramatic music) - [Audience] Ew. - Fucking gross! (lively music) ♪ Get your cup of poisoned coffee ♪ - What? ♪ Your toxic cup of joey ♪ ♪ We make a twisted cup of java Mocha latte ♪

Speaker A

♪ With the goo for ya, Jack ♪ ♪ Jack, Jack, Jack ♪ - What?

Speaker A

♪ Hey, Mr. Business ♪ ♪ How do ya, how do ya, how do ya do ♪ - Why are the all singing?

Speaker A

- We need to run, Emma! Don't look back! Just run! ♪ We'll make a double for you! ♪ ♪ Hey, Mr. Business ♪ ♪ And we'll bring it right up ♪ (audience cheering) - [Paul] Come on, this way.

Speaker A

- Oh my God. - This way, come on. (suspenseful music) - Oh my God, I'm unemployed.

Speaker A

- Oh. (audience laughing) Oh, I'm so sorry. Do you have any savings or? - No. (audience laughing) - Well, I mean, hey, it's 2018, I'm sure the job market's gonna be really good for a long time.

Speaker A

- Nah. - Oh. (audience laughing) - Sorry, this is a dead end, sorry. - Oh, a dead end. - Yeah, just...

Speaker A

- Did you not know that was a dead end? - Um, no, I know my way pretty well round town.

Speaker A

I mean, in high school they used to call me Alley Cat Paul. That's what... - Alley Cat Paul?

Speaker A

- No, forget that. Nevermind. - Did you go to high school with a bunch of '50s' mobsters?

Speaker A

- No. (audience laughing) This is another dead end. - Oh, okay. - I'm sorry, there's only one more alley. It's this way.

Speaker A

Come on. Okay. Come on. (both panting) - Oh. Oh my God, oh my God, what the fuck was that?

Speaker A

- I told you it was scarier than it sounds! - You were right! I didn't think about the implications.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) Oh my God, I didn't think about it! - It's all right, Emma.

Speaker A

- It's not all right, Paul! - [Both] Ah. - Bill, you scared the shit out of us!

Speaker A

- Well, how the hell am I supposed to pop out of a trash can and not scare the shit out of you?

Speaker A

- I don't know! Give us a warning or something next time! (trashcan clattering) - [Both] Ah!

Speaker A

- Charlotte! - Sorry! I tried to warn you! - Who are these people? - They're my friends from work.

Speaker A

- What are they doing in the trash? - We had to find a place to hide.

Speaker A

Mr. Davidson kept calling people into his office, and they came out singing! - It was the same at the bank, the butcher's, and the post office!

Speaker A

- It's all downtown. We were just at Beanie's. - You didn't invite me! - Ah!

Speaker A

- Jesus, Ted! - Shh, shh, shh. Shut the fuck up, Paul! (audience laughing) If you wanna stay in our hiding spot, you gotta be quiet, okay?

Speaker A

There is something going on and we don't know what it is or who we can trust!

Speaker A

So Paul, get in a trash can. You, beat it! - Um, fuck you? - No. Emma stays with us.

Speaker A

- I don't know her! - Yeah, you do, man! She's the barista from Beanie's.

Speaker A

You know, the, the, the Latte Hottay. (audience laughing) - Paul, that is not the Latte Hottay.

Speaker A

That is the crabby one that won't sing when I tip her! You grabbed the wrong one, ya noodle!

Speaker A

(sirens ringing) - Oh, oh, thank God! They called Sam. He'll get us outta here!

Speaker A

(Charlotte grunting) Sam, oh Sam, thank God! Everyone's gone crazy! They've all gone crazy. (lively music) (audience cheering) ♪ Ma'am, I need you to take a step back ♪ ♪ You're facing the law, not the clerk at the Gap ♪

Speaker A

♪ 'Cause we're cops ♪ ♪ Yeah, we're cops, you better shape on up ♪ - Stay away from him, Charlotte! He's one of them!

Speaker A

♪ You better empty out all of your pockets ♪ ♪ But don't empty out all of your pockets ♪ ♪ 'Cause we're cops ♪ ♪ Yeah, we're cops ♪ ♪ And we make sense ♪ ♪ Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands ♪

Speaker A

♪ Get 'em up, or you'll end up in cuffs ♪ ♪ Show me those hands, show me those jazz hands ♪ ♪ Or I might be inclined ♪ ♪ To shoot you up ♪ ♪ You go 40 in a 35 ♪

Speaker A

♪ Check your mirror ♪ ♪ See that hell has arrived ♪ ♪ 'Cause we're cops ♪ ♪ Yeah, we're cops ♪ ♪ We're up in your shit ♪ ♪ Kathy lost her cat in a tree ♪ ♪ Contact Fire, not the HFPD ♪

Speaker A

♪ 'Cause we're cops ♪ ♪ Yeah, we're cops ♪ ♪ Her cat is dead ♪ ♪ Aw ♪ ♪ Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands ♪ ♪ Get 'em up, or you'll end up in cuffs ♪

Speaker A

♪ Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands ♪ ♪ Or I might be inclined ♪ ♪ Step away from the vehicle ♪ ♪ Step away from the vehicle ♪ ♪ Get back in the vehicle ♪ ♪ Get back in the vehicle ♪

Speaker A

♪ Slowly get out of the vehicle ♪ Slowly get out of the vehicle. ♪ Do the things I say ♪ ♪ I'm a cop, step away from the vehicle, get those hands up ♪ ♪ Step away from the vehicle, get those hands up ♪

Speaker A

♪ Get back in the vehicle, put those hands down ♪ ♪ Get back in the vehicle, put those hands down ♪ ♪ Slowly get out of the vehicle, get those hands up ♪ ♪ Slowly get out of the vehicle, get those hands up ♪

Speaker A

♪ Do the things I say, up, down ♪ ♪ I'm a cop ♪ ♪ 911 emergency call ♪ ♪ Got a 411 in a shopping mall ♪ ♪ Better pack your heat and utility belt ♪ ♪ Any mall rats comin' in hot, they melt ♪

Speaker A

♪ Sarge, it's your wife on 911 ♪ ♪ What that bitch want, Doug? ♪ ♪ She just wants to snug ♪ ♪ Grab your 9 millimeter and donut bucket ♪ ♪ Want my badge num ♪ ♪ Put in your mouth and suck it ♪

Speaker A

- Oh, Sam, please stop! I'm your wife, baby. Just talk to me. Oh. (Charlotte gasping) - Charlotte. (suspenseful music) (Sam gasping) (gun clicking) (Charlotte screaming) ♪ Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands ♪ ♪ Get 'em up or you'll end up in cuffs ♪

Speaker A

♪ Show me your hands, show me those jazz hands ♪ ♪ Or I might be inclined to shoot you, oh ♪ - Oh, oh, oh. (Charlotte gasping) (gun clicking) Get back! Stay away!

Speaker A

(cops squealing) Just leave us alone! (Charlotte panting) Oh my God! His head is open!

Speaker A

- Well, I had to do something! - Oh my... Oh, his brain fell out!

Speaker A

- Well, put it back then! - I don't know how! I'm not a doctor!

Speaker A

- Charlotte, look at it, that's not his brain, it's blue! - No, no, you're not a doctor either!

Speaker A

We need to go to a doctor! He needs to see... - Hey, listen, listen.

Speaker A

It's Charlotte, right? - I'm Charlotte. (audience laughing) - Okay, listen, we've gotta get out of downtown, okay?

Speaker A

Downtown is fucked. The hospital is downtown. We can't go there. - But he needs to see a doctor. He needs a...

Speaker A

- Um, I, uh... Wait, I know where we could go! Yes, I have this kooky, reclusive biology professor!

Speaker A

I'm his favorite student 'cause I brought him groceries once. Anyway, he's got a doctorate.

Speaker A

Right? That's kinda like a doctor. Right? (audience laughing) He could help your husband, maybe. I don't know.

Speaker A

He's got like a lab, he's got security! His whole house is like a panic room.

Speaker A

He's like one of those, um, what do you call a guy who lives in a fortress?

Speaker A

- A king. - No! No, no, he's like a doomsday survivalist. Yes, he thinks the world's ending.

Speaker A

He's been preparing for like 20 years for the apocalypse! - The apocalypse? Is that what this is?

Speaker A

Maybe we should go to a church. - No, no, no, Charlotte! We are all different denominations, okay?

Speaker A

We cannot split up! I'm a Presbyterian! There's no way I'm gonna die in your dirty-ass Methodist church!

Speaker A

Nah nah nah. No, I say we go to the panic room and we beg for the king's help, okay, yeah?

Speaker A

- Charlotte, charlotte, I think the best thing for all of us, including Sam, would be to get to the professor.

Speaker A

- Yeah, let's go now. We can take the squad car. - Okay. Help me with him.

Speaker A

- Oh, oh, look at this. - Oh, I don't need to see it, thank you.

Speaker A

(dramatic news music beeping) - [Narrator] his is Hatchetfield Action News with Dan and Donna.

Speaker A

- [Donna] What began as a series of isolated incidents has escalated into what some are calling a musical riot.

Speaker A

- Good God, it's spreading faster than I theorized! - [Donna] Despite several reports of violence, the Hatchetfield police have assured Channel 9 that there is no cause for alarm.

Speaker A

- Because they're part of it, Donna! - [Narrator] Nevertheless, our skittish neighbors in Clivesdale have raised the Nantucket Bridge.

Speaker A

With the ferries down for the season, and no accessible means off the island, Hatchetfield citizens are advised to stay indoors.

Speaker A

- Like fish in a barrel. (remote clicking) Of course the outside world is no help!

Speaker A

It's up to us now, Alexa. (Alexa chiming) (audience laughing) (alarm buzzing) (audience laughing) (audience laughing) - Who is it?

Speaker A

- [Emma] Professor Hidgens! - Don't lie to me, whoever you are! I'm Professor Hidgens!

Speaker A

- [Emma] No. Professor, it's me, Emma Perkins! The whole town's gone crazy! I didn't know where else to go!

Speaker A

- Emma? You came to the right place! Hold on! I'll let you in! Alexa, open the gates! (Alexa chiming) (alarm buzzing) (gates clanging) (audience cheering) (audience laughing) - Thank you, thank you,Professor.

Speaker A

These are my friends. This is Paul and them. (audience laughing) We came from downtown.

Speaker A

Listen, this is going to sound crazy, but everyone's is-- - Singing and dancing, like they're in a musical?

Speaker A

(audience laughing) They want you to join them, and once they get you, you're a part of it?

Speaker A

- Yeah. How did you know? - I theorized this very scenario 30 years ago.

Speaker A

- Really? - Really. - Like, exactly this? - Exactly. - That the world would become a musical?

Speaker A

- You better believe it. - So that's what's wrong with Sam? - Good God! Don't tell me you brought one of them here!

Speaker A

- I told you we shoulda left him in that alley! - You're a monster, Ted! - No, he's the monster!

Speaker A

- All right, everybody, calm down! (audience laughing) Providence has brought him to me. Quickly, cuff him to the chair!

Speaker A

There's no telling what would happen if he were awake and loose. I've been preparing for this day for decades.

Speaker A

Now all the answers are right in front of me. If only I have the wits to decipher them.

Speaker A

(professor gasping) Tell me, Emma, what on Earth does this look like to you? - Oh God, I don't know.

Speaker A

Some sort of blue shit? (audience laughing) - My thoughts exactly. What the fuck is this shit? (audience laughing) I'll tell you what on Earth it looks like.

Speaker A

Nothing. (dramatic music) (audience laughing) You all remember the meteor that crashed here last night?

Speaker A

I dare say it was carrying a deadly cargo: a contagious pathogen of cosmic origin.

Speaker A

- Wait a second, Doc. You're not talking about aliens? - Why is that so hard to believe?

Speaker A

Think of all we take for granted as foretold in the pages of Bradbury and Asimov.

Speaker A

Look no further than my robot assistant, Alexa. Once confined to the realm of science fiction, she is now science-fact.

Speaker A

Alexa, dim the lights. - [All] Oh, oh, oh, oh. - Extraordinary! 20 years ago I would've had to walk all the way to the dimmer. (audience laughing) - Oh yeah. - Yes.

Speaker A

- As unbelievable as that or this outbreak may seem, the question is no longer "can this be happening?" But "how do we fight it?" I've got to get this blue shit under the microscope and see if I can't find what makes these bastards tick!

Speaker A

Oh. (audience laughing) Oh oh. (audience laughing) - Uh, excuse me. Professor, this is a lot to take in.

Speaker A

Do you have anything to take the edge off? Like a drink or something? (audience laughing) - Young man, I've spent the past 20 years stockpiling the bare essentials for human survival in the event of a world-ending cataclysm.

Speaker A

You bet your ass we've got booze! Come with me. - Oh. (audience cheering) (audience laughing) - Come on, Charlotte.

Speaker A

I'll make you a drink. We can relax. Talk. Fuck. (audience laughing) - Ted! I can't believe you're thinking about that at a time like this.

Speaker A

The whole world could be coming to an end! - Well, if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna go out doing what I love: screwin' around with another man's wife.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - Ted, you're such a horny bastard! (both grunting) Oh. (audience laughing) - Always have been. Always will be.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - And you know that's why I can't resist you! Oh yes. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker A

- Oh, wait! Ted, my husband's brains fell out today! (audience laughing) If I can't be a wife to him now, what kind of woman am I?

Speaker A

- I don't know, Charlotte! I'm not your therapist. (audience laughing) You know, maybe you should go back to fucking him.

Speaker A

Huh? I know that's why you actually went to counseling! - That's not the only reason!

Speaker A

I wanted to make things work with Sam. I love him. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

Speaker A

- Come on, Charlotte, this guy's a worthless scumbag. You could upgrade to a sleaze-ball.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) But you refuse to be happy. (audience laughing) You know what, Charlotte? I'm done, okay?

Speaker A

So you can stay here with your dying marriage and your dying husband. (sad music) I'm gonna go hit on that crabby barista.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - No, Ted! Oh no! God. God, (audience laughing) (Charlotte clearing throat) um um God um, if you're up there, you just gotta know, I didn't want this to happen.

Speaker A

I know that Sam and I have had our problems. And I know I've been so angry with him lately.

Speaker A

But I didn't want him to die! Oh, please, God. Just let him wake up.

Speaker A

Please. And we'll be together forever. Just please, please. - Charlotte. - Hi! - Where am I? Why am I tied to a chair?

Speaker A

- It's for your own safety, Sam, and ours. You're not well. - Charlotte, baby, I'm hurt real bad.

Speaker A

I need a doctor. - I'll go get the professor. - No! - Oh. (lively music) They left me here to die!

Speaker A

Only you can help me, Charlotte. Untie me and we'll get outta here together. ♪ I'm tied up, Charlotte ♪ ♪ Tied up with you ♪ ♪ You understand me ♪ ♪ Now hand me those keys ♪ - No, no.

Speaker A

♪ The keys to our youth ♪ (Sam chuckling) ♪ God, we were young once ♪ ♪ Innocent and fun once ♪ ♪ And free ♪ ♪ Let go of this grip on me ♪ ♪ You tied up my heart ♪

Speaker A

♪ You tied me down ♪ ♪ Now break me open ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ With your love and mercy ♪ ♪ Charlotte, you're breaking my heart, Char ♪ ♪ Got my feet to the fire ♪ ♪ Just let me go ♪

Speaker A

♪ And I'll love you, ooh, ooh ♪ - Oh, I love you too, Sam but I can't let you go.

Speaker A

- Charlotte, baby, apple of my eye. Don't you trust me? - Oh. ♪ I effed up, Charlotte ♪ ♪ Effed up with you ♪ ♪ All the booze and harlots ♪ ♪ And all the Charlottes ♪ - There were more?

Speaker A

♪ But they didn't count ♪ ♪ They couldn't break me ♪ ♪ You're the one who caged me ♪ ♪ In chains ♪ ♪ Please take away my pain ♪ ♪ Charlotte ♪ ♪ Let me hold you again, Char ♪

Speaker A

♪ Just free up my arms ♪ ♪ And I'll give you a foot massage ♪ ♪ Charlotte ♪ ♪ Will you ever forgive me ♪ ♪ I'll crawl on my hands and knees ♪ ♪ If you untie me, girl ♪

Speaker A

♪ And free up my heart ♪ ♪ You tied me down ♪ - You're flying, Sam.

Speaker A

♪ Now break me open ♪ - You're so high up. ♪ With your love and mercy ♪ - How do you do it? (audience laughing) ♪ Oh fuck, I'm fading fast ♪ ♪ I think you better come quick ♪

Speaker A

♪ I really don't wanna die alone in here ♪ ♪ Time to say our goodbyes ♪ ♪ At the end of the road ♪ - Oh, Sam, hello, oh!

Speaker A

♪ This body's not gonna last ♪ ♪ The air is cold and thick ♪ ♪ I'm losing our last remaining hope for us ♪ ♪ My hands are tied in knots ♪ ♪ And I can't come home ♪

Speaker A

- Please, hello? ♪ Yeah, I wanna die in your arms in the evening glow ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ - Sa...

Speaker A

Sam? Hello? Hello? Sam Sam? Oh my God, oh my, oh... Oh, oh, oh. (Charlotte gasping) Oh yeah.

Speaker A

Oh my God. Oh my God, what have I done? Oh my God, Sam? Hello? Oh.

Speaker A

♪ Charlotte ♪ (Charlotte screaming) ♪ You brought me back from the dead, Char ♪ ♪ My line was in red ♪ ♪ I saw God and he told me, girl ♪ ♪ To free up my heart ♪ ♪ Heart, you tied me down ♪

Speaker A

♪ Now break me open ♪ ♪ With your love and mercy ♪ - Now it's my turn to free up your heart, baby girl.

Speaker A

- Oh, take me. (Sam grunting) (indistinct) (indistinct) (audience cheering) (lively music) - He said this was a full bar!

Speaker A

How the hell am I supposed to make a Shirley Temple without any cherries? - Jesus Christ, Bill.

Speaker A

It uis the end of the world and you're gonna get your drink on with a Shirley fuckin' Temple?

Speaker A

- Well, I figure if it's as serious as all that, we're gonna need a designated driver!

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - Okay, so when the cops pull you over, you can pass their breathalyzer test before they infect you with their nasty, blue shit?

Speaker A

Come on. - If you make one more crack at me, I am gonna do something (audience laughing) to you.

Speaker A

- Oh yeah, Bill? What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna kick your head.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - Oh. You're gonna kick my head? - Yeah. - Not my ass?

Speaker A

- Yeah! (audience laughing) - All right, then let's see it! No, no, no, come on, karate champ!

Speaker A

Kick my head. I wanna see you kick above your waist! Show me that round-house, huh.

Speaker A

Show me that sweeping crane kick that your Kung Fu master taught you! - Okay, okay, you two, calm down!

Speaker A

Ted, Bill's not gonna kick your head. - Why not? It's the most vulnerable part of a body.

Speaker A

That's what Sensei Bill taught me. - Okay, it was a dumb threat. Stop rubbing it in.

Speaker A

I'm sure if he could do it over again he'd say ass. - Uh-uh, uh-uh because if you wanna kill a snake, what do you do, huh?

Speaker A

You cut off its head. Where does the fish rot from, huh, mhm? The head.

Speaker A

You take out the head, the whole thing goes down. That's why a fisherman always goes for, oh, oh, the head!

Speaker A

(hand slapping) Ow! Bill, come on! - Gimme that. This is supposed to relax us, not make us kill each other!

Speaker A

- Whatever. (Ted panting) (audience laughing) - Why did I come back here? - To, uh, drink?

Speaker A

- No. Back to Hatchetfield. I spent the first 18 years of my life trying to get outta this place.

Speaker A

I shoulda just stayed in Guatemala. I mean, yeah, they've got volcanoes and coatimundis everywhere but-- - What's a coatimundi?

Speaker A

- Oh, it's like a little raccoon thing. They get into shit. People hate 'em.

Speaker A

But at least they don't sing and dance. - So is that what drove you back to Hatchetfield?

Speaker A

Coatimundis up in your shit? - No, no. It was my sister, Jane. She was the good one.

Speaker A

When she was 12, she had this Lisa Frank binder where she mapped out her whole life, and I swear to God, she stuck to it, bullet point by bullet point.

Speaker A

Like job husband house kids. And when one sister's so on top of her shit, it kind of demands that the other be a total fuck-up, right?

Speaker A

- What is yin without yang? - Yeah, that's what I'm saying. (Emma chuckling) Yeah.

Speaker A

She was off doing life. And I was doing something else. Backpacking mostly. And she'd invite me home for the big events, you know?

Speaker A

The wedding, the baby shower. And every time I'd say, "Oh, sorry, I'll catch the next one." But when I got the invitation to her funeral, I was like, "Oh, there won't be a next one." - Oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker A

- Hey. You didn't crash into her car. (Emma chuckling) It's weird growing up in someone else's shadow because when they're gone, the light shines on your life for the first time and it does not look too good.

Speaker A

(Emma chuckling) So there I was, in my 30s with no roots anywhere except Hatchetfield.

Speaker A

So I thought, "I'll make something of myself, you know? I'll do something my sister would be proud of.

Speaker A

I'll enroll in community college, I'll study botany. I'm gonna open up a pot farm." (audience laughing) - Oh.

Speaker A

Did your sister smoke a lot of pot or? - No. (audience laughing) But, you know, weed's the future.

Speaker A

It's gonna be legal nationwide soon. I'll bet you any amount of money. (Emma chuckling) Not that it matters anymore.

Speaker A

(Emma sighing) God, my whole life I have tried to avoid dying in Hatchetfield and here we are.

Speaker A

- Hey, it could be worse. You could be dying in Clivesdale. - Oh. (audience laughing) Fuck Clivesdale. - Fuck 'em.

Speaker A

(Emma chuckling) You know, all things considered, I like Hatchetfield. Yeah, yeah, I've been here my whole life.

Speaker A

Born and bred. I never wanted to leave. Still don't. - Wait, we're the same age.

Speaker A

How come I didn't know you in high school? - You probably went to Hatchetfield High.

Speaker A

I went to Sycamore. - Fuckin' Timberwolves. We hated you guys. - We hated ourselves. (audience laughing) Um, back at Beanie's, you said you were in your high school production of "Brigadoon." - I was Bonnie Jean.

Speaker A

- That was 2003, wasn't it? I actually saw you in "Brigadoon." - No shit. - Yes shit!

Speaker A

(audience laughing) Yeah, we didn't have a theater program at our school, so I guess to make us feel like crap, they'd bus us over and watch your shows.

Speaker A

That was the first musical I ever saw. I hated it. (audience laughing) Hey that was probably the start of my whole thing.

Speaker A

You're the reason I don't like musicals. (audience laughing) (Emma chuckling) - Whoa. That's, like, your origin story.

Speaker A

- Yeah! - So I guess that makes me the super villain? - I don't think of you like that at all, Emma.

Speaker A

(Emma chuckling) - Listen, Paul. (thunder booming) (dramatic music) - Oh my God! Charlotte! ♪ It is time to die ♪ ♪ Sorry to interrupt ♪ ♪ But we got bones to pluck ♪ ♪ The time for chaos is long past overdue ♪

Speaker A

♪ Death isn't optional ♪ ♪ In fact, it's optimal ♪ ♪ Your time is up and now we go through you ♪ ♪ We tried to convince you in soliloquy ♪ ♪ Ah ♪ ♪ But now we'll kill you with more than harmony ♪

Speaker A

♪ Just die ♪ ♪ Join us and die ♪ ♪ Join us and die ♪ ♪ Join us and die ♪ ♪ All you gotta do is join us and die ♪ ♪ Join us and die ♪ ♪ Join us and die ♪

Speaker A

♪ All you gotta do is ♪ ♪ Here's how it's gonna go ♪ ♪ We're gonna kick your ass ♪ ♪ And then we're gonna fucking kick your ass ♪ ♪ We're gonna puke all that goo ♪ ♪ Into your mouth where you food ♪

Speaker A

♪ And all your cells will renew and be enhanced ♪ ♪ It's a death-like process that you gotta see ♪ ♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪ ♪ Your own body is your front row seat ♪ ♪ To die ♪

Speaker A

♪ Join us and die ♪ ♪ Join us and die ♪ ♪ Join us and die, bye bye ♪ ♪ All you gotta do is join us and die ♪ ♪ Join us and die ♪ ♪ Join us and punch it ♪

Speaker A

♪ Squeeze it ♪ ♪ Crush it ♪ ♪ Kill it ♪ ♪ Ride it ♪ ♪ Drag it ♪ ♪ Wind it up ♪ ♪ Kick its nuts ♪ ♪ Here's how it's gonna ♪ (shotgun booming) (Charlotte screaming) (audience laughing)

Speaker A

(shotgun clicking) (Charlotte screaming) (shotgun booming) - Oh my God! - Professor! You killed Charlotte!

Speaker A

- Wrong. - You shot her! - I shot a charlatan! (audience laughing) (audience cheering) The Charlotte you knew was gone the moment a note came out of her mouth.

Speaker A

After examining that blue shit, I was able to deduce that Sam was no longer human, but part of the alien brood, genetically reconstructed from the inside out!

Speaker A

They're wearing our skin to fool us, which means any one of you could be any one of them.

Speaker A

So we're gonna have ourselves a little test to find out who's still human and who's a musical doppelgänger.

Speaker A

I want you to sing sixteen bars right now! - Professor, we're not aliens. - Sing the beginning of "Moana!" (shotgun clicking) - What?

Speaker A

- I said sing, goddammit! (shotgun booming) ♪ Uh. Moana ♪ ♪ Make way ♪ ♪ Moana, make way ♪ ♪ Coconut, coconut, consider its leaves ♪ ♪ The circle of life ♪ ♪ And it moves us all ♪ (audience laughing)

Speaker A

- All right, that was truly terrible. (audience laughing) Not a single one of you was on pitch, which means you're still human.

Speaker A

(tranquil music) These things, their tactic is to hide amongst us, but as their numbers grow, they become more bold and, as we've seen, violent.

Speaker A

(phone ringing) (Bill grunting) - Alice? Alice, oh thank God. For once in my life, I'm glad your mother left me and moved you to Clivesdale.

Speaker A

What? No, no, no, Alice. I watched you get on the bus to Clivesdale this morning.

Speaker A

Got off? You got off to go see Deb? Goddammit, Alice! If Deb jumped off a bridge, would you?

Speaker A

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know you're scared. What's wrong with Deb? She's doing what?

Speaker A

Alice, listen to me. You get away from her. You understand? You get far away.

Speaker A

No! This isn't about me not liking Deb! Right now you have to run and hide!

Speaker A

Where are you? Okay, stay there. No. I'm coming to you. No. Don't... Everything's going to be fine.

Speaker A

I love you too. (sad music) (Bill sobbing) Give me, give me some water and some bread!

Speaker A

I knew we were gonna need a designated driver! - What's happening, Bill? - It's Alice. She's still in Hatchetfield.

Speaker A

Dang it! I gotta take the car. I gotta get to Hatchetfield High. She's locked herself in the choir room.

Speaker A

- And you're gonna save her? G.I. Bill? You're gonna run and gun your way through a city full of singing-zombie-mother-fuckers?

Speaker A

Wake up, Bill! She's already dead. - Don't you dare. - You're gonna get there and she's gonna be dead, and then you're gonna die too.

Speaker A

That is exactly what's gonna happen if you try to go back through downtown. - Well, what else am I supposed to do?

Speaker A

- Don't go through downtown. Cut through Pinebrook. - What? - Pinebrook. Rich neighborhood. Fancy houses. Huge yards.

Speaker A

- Yes. Avoid densely populated areas. - Take Evergreen, cut through the park, hop a curb, and you're in the teacher's parking lot.

Speaker A

- Yeah, yeah, and the window to the teachers' lounge, it's always open so they can smoke.

Speaker A

Just slide in and out. That was my old escape route. - Okay, this is a lot of directions.

Speaker A

- Don't bother. He's gonna get lost. - God, you're such a fuckin' creep, you know that?

Speaker A

- Oh, I'm a fuckin' creep? - Yeah. - I'm a fuckin' creep? Listen, sweetheart, the world has changed.

Speaker A

Okay? There are no creeps. There are no heroes. There are people that are alive, and people that are fucking dead!

Speaker A

And Bill's daughter, she's dead. What? What? I'm just saying what we all know is true.

Speaker A

Right, Paul? (suspenseful music) - I know that the chances are slim. And I know that Bill doesn't know the shortcut.

Speaker A

Bill, if you go, you're not gonna make it, which is why I'm gonna go with you to get your daughter back.

Speaker A

(tranquil music) - You'd do that for me, Paul? - Hey, it's not like you're asking me to go see "Mamma Mia." (audience laughing) - Well, let's go now.

Speaker A

If we haul ass, we can be there and back in 20 minutes. - No, Emma. You stay here.

Speaker A

I have a theory of how these aliens might be stopped, but I'll need an extra pair of hands in the lab.

Speaker A

Paul Bill (audience laughing) Godspeed. (tranquil music) - Hey, Paul. Listen, if those things get to you, they're gonna make you sing, and dance, and all that shit you hate.

Speaker A

So don't you let 'em. - Emma, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to draw a line in the sand.

Speaker A

And I will never be in a fucking musical. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) (suspenseful music) - Alice?

Speaker A

Alice? Sweetie, where are you? - Bill, Bill, be quiet! - We gotta find her, Paul!

Speaker A

- We will, but you're gonna have to shut up, okay? This whole school could be crawling with those things!

Speaker A

You screaming is gonna get us killed, and then who's gonna save Alice? - Right, right, sorry, Paul.

Speaker A

It's just she's all I have. - I know. Just stay calm and follow me.

Speaker A

Okay? - You know, she's a good kid, Paul. She's smart, and I respect her choices, but if we're being honest, I don't like Deb.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) I don't know, she just, she's always on her phone, and I just think Alice can do better.

Speaker A

- Yeah, sure, Bill. - This morning, the knuckle-head I am, I said, "why don't you try dating someone at your own school?" And she said, "You just don't like Deb." And what was I supposed to do? Lie?

Speaker A

So I said, "Why don't you date someone like Grace Chasity?" And she goes, "No! Grace Chasity is a nerdy prude!" I said, "One, I said date somebody like her.

Speaker A

Two, that is not a very nice thing to say!" And suddenly I'm defending Grace Chasity of all people.

Speaker A

And she goes, "You just wish Grace Chasity were your daughter!" And I said, "well, at least she's nice to me at church!" (audience laughing) That fight is why she got off the bus to go see Deb.

Speaker A

(Bill gasping) Paul, it's my fault. I'm the reason they trapped her. - No. No, listen to me, Bill, okay?

Speaker A

This is not your fault. - [Alice] Yes, it is. (dramatic music) - Alice. - It's all your fault.

Speaker A

That's the last thought I had before they broke down the door. ♪ I'm not your girl anymore ♪ ♪ I'm not that tween that you drove here for ♪ ♪ I'm not your girl anymore ♪ ♪ I over took her body with an infectious spore ♪

Speaker A

♪ You let me out of your sight for one second ♪ ♪ and look what happens ♪ ♪ Nightmare time ♪ ♪ It's worse than you could have imagined ♪ ♪ Not sex and not drugs ♪ ♪ Just alien invading minds ♪

Speaker A

♪ No more family vacays together ♪ ♪ 'Cause your only daughter's under the weather ♪ ♪ And if you actually paid attention to me ♪ ♪ You'd see I'm not your seed ♪ ♪ I'm not your angsty teen ♪

Speaker A

♪ No matter what you believe ♪ ♪ The apple's fallen far from the tree ♪ ♪ It's not my fault anymore ♪ ♪ No more curfews to be late for ♪ ♪ It's not my fault anymore ♪ ♪ No more being worried and waiting by the door ♪

Speaker A

♪ Did you know that I wanted to live with you ♪ ♪ Look what happens, nightmare time ♪ ♪ But when you needed to fight, you gave her that too ♪ ♪ Aliens invading minds ♪ ♪ Did you know mom let Deb sleep over ♪

Speaker A

♪ And you're right about Deb, she's a hardcore stoner ♪ ♪ And if you wonder what led your daughter astray ♪ ♪ Well, daddy wasn't here to stay ♪ ♪ Not your seed ♪ ♪ I'm not your perfect teen ♪

Speaker A

♪ I'm fucking 17 ♪ ♪ At least I was before you left me ♪ - Bill, we need to go, now.

Speaker A

- Back off, Paul! We're not leaving without Alice! - That's not your daughter, Bill!

Speaker A

♪ Why does it hurt to love you ♪ ♪ Why am I in pain ♪ ♪ Why does it hurt to know you ♪ ♪ You let me down again ♪ ♪ If I turn my insides out ♪

Speaker A

♪ would you even know that I was there ♪ ♪ Why does it hurt to love you ♪ ♪ Why does it hurt to love ♪ (lively music) ♪ I'm not your seed ♪ ♪ Not your girl, not your girl ♪

Speaker A

♪ Now maybe you'll listen to me ♪ ♪ Listen to me, listen to me ♪ ♪ After you let me bleed ♪ ♪ Let me bleed ♪ ♪ Now your daughter's not a girl no more ♪ ♪ Girl no more, girl no more, girl no more ♪

Speaker A

♪ Not at all your seed ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm not your girl anymore ♪ (dramatic music) (audience cheering) - I can't do it, Paul.

Speaker A

I can't live in a world without my daughter. - Bill, whatever you're thinking, stop it.

Speaker A

- I can't live knowing that I'm the reason they got her. (both grunting) Just let me die, Paul. - No, Bill.

Speaker A

No! Listen to me, Bill. You're my best friend! I am not gonna let you die.

Speaker A

(shotgun clicking) (shotgun booming) (Paul gasping) Bill! (Paul gasping) Oh God, Bill! - [All] We just keep running into each other, don't we, Paul?

Speaker A

We have traveled across seas of stars, bending conquering. Conquering, bending. (audience laughing) Wait, what are we saying?

Speaker A

We all have to say the same thing. Let's get on the same page. ♪ I'm here, I'm here, I'm here ♪ - [All] Bending countless civilizations to our will.

Speaker A

And yet you, Paul, have defied us thrice! (shotgun clicking) (shotgun booming) - Holy shit!

Speaker A

This puny human weapon is too quick a death for you, Paul. (gun clattering) We shall rend you limb from limb.

Speaker A

You shall, will. You will, shall. (audience laughing) Seriously? We all have to say the same thing.

Speaker A

You guys are embarrassing me. (audience laughing) You will choke on your agony as you beg for apotheosis.

Speaker A

(all vocalizing in high pitch) - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. (door banging) No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker A

- We're the soldiers of the United States Military. Get your hands up. (aliens screaming) Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.

Speaker A

Bam bam. Smoke grenade firing. (audience cheering) Smoke grenade, cafeteria. Got 'em, sir. - Wait, wait, I'm not one of 'em, okay?

Speaker A

I promise. I'm a human! I'm human! (gun banging) - Prove it, asshole. We're the army.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) (audience cheering) (lively music) - Remarkable. Simply remarkable. Tell me, Emma, how do you explain an entire race of beings spontaneously breaking into song and dance?

Speaker A

How do they all know the lyrics? The choreography? - I don't know. They're all gettin' orders from the mothership?

Speaker A

- You're not far off. What we're dealing with is a collective consciousness. On one level, they're individuals, but on another, they're appendages of a much larger organism, controlled by a central brain.

Speaker A

- And the brain came down in the meteor? - Or it is the meteor.

Speaker A

- And it wants to kill us all so it can resurrect us as part of its shitty musical?

Speaker A

- That's one way of putting it. You could also say it's uniting us in a common purpose.

Speaker A

Imagine if this entity did spread to the entire planet. It might achieve what 50,000 years of human civilization never could: world peace.

Speaker A

- Okay, but how do we stop it? - Yes. (audience laughing) Yes. (audience laughing) Of course. (audience laughing) Stop it. (audience laughing) - Okay, okay, so this all starts with the meteor.

Speaker A

It is the brain. So if we take out the meteor, will all these things just die?

Speaker A

- That's a sound theory, Emma, which is why it must never leave this room.

Speaker A

- What? No, no, no. (dramatic music) (light banging) - Oh. (Paul grunting) Oh. (chair banging) (general sighing) - Sorry for that bump on the head, son.

Speaker A

You can never be too careful. What's your name? - Paul Matthews. - Good evening, Paul.

Speaker A

My name's General John MacNamara of the United States Military, special unit P.E.I.P. We call it Peip.

Speaker A

(audience cheering) - Peep? Peep, I've never heard of you guys. - You never will. Not a peep.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) That's a joke, son. (audience laughing) We have the unenviable task of cleaning up messes of a certain nature, situations not unlike what we have here in Hatchetfield.

Speaker A

- Are you saying stuff like this has happened before? - That information is classified.

Speaker A

Now, our agents in town led us to believe the entire population had become infected with this alien contagion.

Speaker A

So quite frankly, we were shocked to find a survivor such as yourself. (chair clattering) (audience laughing) But I got some bad news for you, Paul.

Speaker A

My unit was sent to make a clean sweep of what was once this here town.

Speaker A

No loose ends. No survivors. - So what, you're just gonna kill me? - Those are my orders, yes.

Speaker A

Two in the head, one in the heart. But there's one thing you better hurry up and know about me, Paul.

Speaker A

(general exhaling) I love my country, I do. But the experiences I've accrued during my tenure with this organization have given me a deeper understanding of the cosmos and our place in it.

Speaker A

I follow a higher law than any institution could decree, and that is the universal truth of love and the strength of the human heart.

Speaker A

So (general exhaling) I'm gonna bend the rules a little bit for you, Paul. (audience laughing) I have an evac chopper touching down in Oakley Park at 2300 hours.

Speaker A

That's 11 in the PM. Synchronize your timepiece with mine. Is that an iPhone? - Yeah, it's the X, it's not...

Speaker A

(audience laughing) (general screaming) Wear a watch! (audience cheering) Time is a precious thread in the fabric of the universe.

Speaker A

It deserves its own tool of measurement. (audience laughing) Survive till then, and you'll have a seat on that chopper.

Speaker A

- Cool. - Cool. Oh, wait, General MacNamara. I can't leave without Emma. - Who's Emma, Paul?

Speaker A

(tranquil music) - A friend of mine. - Friends don't move my heart, son. Is there a chance at something more?

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - I think so. I'd like there to be. I want there to be.

Speaker A

- Well, you know what that means. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. - I'm authorizing you to use my firearm.

Speaker A

Rescue Emma, and get your ass to that chopper in two hours' time. - Thank you, sir.

Speaker A

- You can thank me when we're both in Clivesdale sharing a cup of coffee.

Speaker A

Do you like coffee, son? - Yes, sir. - Do you like musicals? - No, sir. (general exhaling) (audience laughing) - Now that's a goddamn, red-blooded American.

Speaker A

I'll see you on that chopper. (audience cheering) (lively music) (Emma grunting) - Hey. Hey!

Speaker A

- Wha? (audience laughing) What the fuck? (audience laughing) - So, you're finally awake. - Professor, what are you doing?

Speaker A

- Exactly what needs to be done. Alexa, open the gates. Turn off the fences.

Speaker A

Shut it all down. - No. (gate buzzing) - No, Professor, the gates are the only thing protecting us!

Speaker A

- Protecting us from what? The end of the world? Ha. What's protecting us from nuclear holocaust, climate change, overpopulation?

Speaker A

Emma, the world was doomed already. Not by them, but by us! I was trying to save something that could not be saved.

Speaker A

Until now. But before we are reborn into a better world, we must first say our goodbyes.

Speaker A

- No, no, no. - No, please, please, don't. - Alexa. (Alexa chiming) After so many years in isolation with you as my one companion, I've come to love you as any woman of flesh and blood, (professor inhaling) (audience laughing)

Speaker A

which is why it pains me to have to do this. Alexa, initiate self-destruct. (audience laughing) - Uh, I don't think it can do that, Professor.

Speaker A

- It's 2018 and it can't even blow itself up? Fucking piece of shit! - Oh, please, please, man, please just let us go, okay?

Speaker A

Just let us go. - I'm afraid I can't do that, Ted. Don't you see?

Speaker A

If humanity is going to survive, it must evolve! That's what this visitor from the stars has brought us!

Speaker A

Salvation! We must join them! This is humanity's second chance! My second chance! - Professor, think about what you're doing.

Speaker A

- Emma, did you know that before I became a biologist, I had a much truer and deeper passion?

Speaker A

My first love was, and always will be musical theater. (audience cheering) - Oh, God no. (audience laughing) - Okay, this guy's fuckin' nuts!

Speaker A

- My examination of the creature you once called Charlotte has led to a fascinating discovery.

Speaker A

These aliens possess a highly specialized gland that allows them to communicate through rhythmic frequencies.

Speaker A

They are drawn to music, like a moth to the flame! - No. - No.

Speaker A

- Don't you do it. - Don't play that. - [Ted] Don't you do it. Don't you fucking do it.

Speaker A

- Please don't play that. - Don't you do it. - Please don't play that. - Don't you do it.

Speaker A

- No, no, no. - Yes, look at me. Look at me. - Yes. - Look at me. - Thank you.

Speaker A

- Thank you. No! - Don't look at that. - Don't look at that. - No, no, no.

Speaker A

- This is humanity's 11th hour! And I've prepared something for the occasion. (audience cheering) (lively piano music) ♪ It's ♪ ♪ A ♪ (audience laughing) (audience cheering) ♪ Showstoppin' number ♪ ♪ A real showstopper ♪ ♪ A show stoppin' number ♪

Speaker A

♪ Come on ♪ ♪ Something to shock 'em ♪ ♪ To bring them a-crawlin' ♪ ♪ A big time box office draw ♪ ♪ With the press and the glamour ♪ ♪ We'll kill the reviews ♪ ♪ Spotlight on Mr. Ingenue ♪

Speaker A

♪ So fill up your tumbler ♪ ♪ Got a show stopping number for you ♪ - Please, Professor!

Speaker A

If they hear us, they will kill us! ♪ A showstoppin' number ♪ - Oh God.

Speaker A

♪ Is something ya die for ♪ ♪ A real catchy ear-wormy tune ♪ ♪ An award-winning score ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ That seeps in and out your pores ♪ ♪ A ditty to make the chorus girls swoon ♪

Speaker A

♪ It'll unify humanity ♪ ♪ In a thundering chorus ♪ ♪ No exits from this Broadway venue ♪ ♪ So splash those shiny cymbals ♪ ♪ Got a show stopping hymnal for you ♪ - This song's pretty good, huh?

Speaker A

(audience laughing) Bet you didn't know I was also a composer! While I've been preparing for the apocalypse, I've also been writing my own musical!

Speaker A

Do mind if I give you the pitch? - Oh, we don't have time. - Fuckin' go for it, Hidge.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - It's called "Workin' Boys: A New Musical!" (audience cheering) It's the story of a group of old college chums.

Speaker A

Sure, they've found successes in the business world, but they still long for those simpler times in that beat-up old house on the edge of college campus.

Speaker A

But those glory days are gone for good. Or are they? (audience laughing) This here's the title number. (audience cheering) ♪ Business calls ♪ ♪ I'm up to my ass in shit ♪ ♪ What is this business ♪ ♪ Markets are crashing ♪

Speaker A

♪ And I'm at the edge of my wits, hm ♪ ♪ I just can't take it ♪ ♪ When all I want to do ♪ ♪ Is spend my day with Greg ♪ ♪ And Steve ♪ (audience laughing)

Speaker A

♪ And Stu ♪ ♪ And Mark ♪ ♪ And Leighton ♪ ♪ And Chad ♪ ♪ Ring, ring, oh ♪ (audience laughing) The phone rings.

Speaker A

I answer it. (audience laughing) Oh. Hey, Greg. (audience laughing) I'm swamped with business! Stocks, bonds, golden parachutes.

Speaker A

Remember those days on the football field, Greg? Last weekend feels like ages ago. (audience laughing) Today?

Speaker A

After work? On the football field? The old stompin' grounds, eh, Greg? Just me and you and Steve and Stu (audience laughing) and Mark and Leighton (audience laughing) (audience laughing) and Chad. (audience laughing) 5 o'clock! I'll see you then, Greg!

Speaker A

I'll see you then. (lively music) ♪ All I want to do ♪ ♪ Is spend my day with Steve and ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪

Speaker A

♪ I can't wait to get home to my boys ♪ ♪ A show stoppin' number ♪ ♪ A real showstopper ♪ ♪ An aria to rule them all ♪ ♪ They'll throw us their money ♪ ♪ At full price admission ♪

Speaker A

♪ The world will come a tumbling down ♪ ♪ Hamilton, move over ♪ ♪ Your new competition's in town ♪ - Hey, Henry.

Speaker A

- Greg! Is that really you? - No, that's not Greg! - Been a long time.

Speaker A

- Hey, boys! You ready to toss around that pigskin? - Stu! You haven't aged a day!

Speaker A

Is it 5 o'clock already? It must be! - Come on, Henry. We got some catching up to do.

Speaker A

♪ Workin boys, we're up in our ass in shit ♪ ♪ What is this business ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪

Speaker A

♪ I can't wait to get home to my boys ♪ - Oh God! Please!

Speaker A

If you're listening and you save me right now, I swear, I swear, I will be a better person!

Speaker A

I swear, I swear. - It's okay, guys. I'm here. - Paul! - Shhh. We gotta get outta here while they're distracted.

Speaker A

- Okay. - Should I take this chair? - Yes. - Oh, I'll grab mine.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) (all grunting) - Yes, yes, take me! Make me one of you! (all grunting) (audience cheering) - Come on, guys! There's a helicopter coming to pick us up.

Speaker A

We gotta get to Oakley Park in... Oh shit, it's 10:52. We're gonna have to huff it.

Speaker A

- Wait, Paul, I have to say something. - Not now, Ted. - Yes now!

Speaker A

Today, (Ted sobbing) today has broken me. (audience laughing) I'm ashamed of how I acted earlier with Bill.

Speaker A

I mean, shit, I wanted to abandon Erica back there. I'm sorry. - Emma. - Who? (audience laughing) - I just, I wish I could be brave like you.

Speaker A

- Shut the fuck up, dude! Look, we gotta go! - You see, I deserve any kind of abuse you wanna give me because I have been a grade-A asshole, I have, I have.

Speaker A

But I promise, I'm gonna be a better person because that little show that that guy put on back there, (audience laughing) I mean, it really taught me what's most important in life.

Speaker A

And it's the people you care about. And Paul, I have always considered you my best-- (infected screaming) - Oh, oh my God.

Speaker A

Wait, come back here and help, you coward. - I'd said I'd be a better person!

Speaker A

I'm still not a good person! See ya. Oh shit, oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh shit, damn it.

Speaker A

Oh shit and fuck. Oh, what the fuck? What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this? It's in my mouth.

Speaker A

It's in my mouth. It's in my mouth. It was in my mouth. (audience laughing) Oh.

Speaker A

Oh. It was in my mouth. (audience laughing) (Ted mumbling) (dramatic music) Pew. (audience laughing) Okay.

Speaker A

All right. I just gotta get to that chop... Mhm. (audience laughing) Pew. (audience laughing) I just gotta get to that chopper.

Speaker A

I gotta get to that chopper. Ah, did you hear that, Paul? Fuck. God. Arg.

Speaker A

Oh God, shit, fuck. Okay. Whoa. (upbeat drumming) What? Oh my God. (audience cheering) It's soldiers of the United States Military.

Speaker A

Here, over here. Over here. Oh, you don't need to save anyone else. They're all dead. You just need to save me.

Speaker A

Oh wow. Aren't you guys are a sight for sore eyes. I'll tell ya, I always support the troops.

Speaker A

And most importantly, I bleed red, white, and blue. (shotgun booming) (lively marching music) ♪ I don't know what you've been told ♪ ♪ But Americans should fit a mold ♪ ♪ There's a war to be fought in this country ♪

Speaker A

♪ Against those that are far too bold ♪ ♪ Two party system: left and right ♪ ♪ There's only room for right and wrong ♪ ♪ It's me or you or you or me ♪ ♪ The loudest become the strong ♪

Speaker A

♪ Yeah, we're great again ♪ ♪ Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh ♪ ♪ America is great again ♪ ♪ Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh ♪ - Thank you, Emma.

Speaker A

Oh God, no, General MacNamara, they got you too. - Who's General MacNamara? - A good man.

Speaker A

- [Soldiers] Sir, it's Paul! - Oakley Park, over there. ♪ You can't run, you can't run ♪ ♪ You can't run, whoa oh oh ♪ ♪ 'Cause our borders closed, our borders are closed ♪ ♪ Our borders are closed ♪

Speaker A

♪ You're staring down a gun, whoa oh oh ♪ ♪ Whoa oh oh ♪ ♪ 'Cause you're easily disposed, whoa oh oh ♪ ♪ The final solution ♪ ♪ Is a charted course at the edge of our own evolution ♪

Speaker A

♪ Singularity had through our predestined self destruction ♪ ♪ So that we may rebuild and experience a new construction ♪ ♪ Whoa oh oh ♪ ♪ Yeah, we're great again ♪ ♪ Whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh, whoa oh oh ♪

Speaker A

(gun banging) - Fuck. ♪ Whoa oh oh ♪ - Paul! The helicopter! ♪ We're great again ♪ ♪ No answers to be found ♪ ♪ We're great again ♪ ♪ No answers to be found ♪ (audience cheering) (dramatic music ending)

Speaker A

- Here it is, Paul! Look, the helicopter. - We made it. - No one else is coming! They've all been infected!

Speaker A

Get us outta here! (helicopter blades whirring) - Oh. (Emma chuckling) Yes! I thought we were gonna die in Hatchetfield.

Speaker A

But we're not, Paul! We got out of there and we're never going back! Fuck you, Hatchetfield!

Speaker A

- Seatbelts, Emma! It's a little bumpy! - Hey, ma'am, you really saved our asses.

Speaker A

- Yeah, thanks, ma'am. ♪ Hey, Mr. Business ♪ ♪ How do you do ♪ - Zoey?

Speaker A

♪ Can we get a triple for you ♪ - No! (gun banging) (alarm ringing) (alarm buzzing) (wind whipping) (helicopter thundering) (suspenseful music) - Oh.

Speaker A

Oh oh oh. Huh. Okay. (audience laughing) (Paul grunting) Emma? Emma? (Emma grunting) - Oh, God! Emma, your leg!

Speaker A

- Oh. Fuck! - Emma, I hate to say this right now, but this is what seatbelts are for.

Speaker A

- Shit. - Emma, we gotta go. We're still in Hatchetfield. We gotta get to the shore.

Speaker A

We gotta find a boat, or something, okay? - No, no, no, please, I can't move, Paul.

Speaker A

I'm not getting off this island. - But those things are gonna find us. - Well then you gotta fuckin' kill them before they do.

Speaker A

The meteor. Paul, you have to destroy the meteor. It's like the hive mind. It's like your friend said.

Speaker A

- Which friend? Bill, Ted, Charlotte? - I don't know your friends' fuckin' names! The meteor is the head!

Speaker A

You take the head out, the whole thing goes down. - Okay. Okay. Um, so I just get to the Starlight Theater, destroy the meteor, and all these things will just drop dead?

Speaker A

- Yeah, I sure as shit hope so. - Okay, you stay here and try to hang on.

Speaker A

- Hey, Paul? Yeah. - [Both] Ow. - Listen. (audience laughing) I know why you came into Beanie's all those times instead of just going to Starbucks down the street.

Speaker A

(Emma chuckling) And it wasn't 'cause you like our shit coffee. Our coffee was shit because we didn't care.

Speaker A

And sometimes we would spit in it. You might have drank some of my spit.

Speaker A

But I didn't know you then. I wish I did but anyway. Paul, if we get out of this, I would love to go watch a nice, silent movie with you but in case we don't, kiss me. (tranquil music)

Speaker A

- Okay. (tranquil music continues) (Emma coughing) - [Audience] oh. - Oh. - Oh. - Oh.

Speaker A

Oh Emma. - Oh, sorry. Oh yeah, that's a lot of blood. (audience laughing) I think that's all of it though, so get back on in here. (audience laughing) - No. (audience laughing) No, no, thank you, Emma.

Speaker A

- Oh, yeah, you're right. Fuck it. Get outta here. - Okay. Bye. (Emma grunting) (lively music) ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Did you hear the word ♪ ♪ What's the word ♪

Speaker A

♪ He's a-comin' ♪ ♪ Who's a-comin' ♪ ♪ Paul's a-comin' ♪ ♪ Paul's a-comin' ♪ ♪ The star of the show ♪ ♪ Let him come ♪ ♪ Word? What's the word ♪ ♪ He's a-comin' ♪ ♪ Who's a-comin ♪

Speaker A

♪ Paul's a-comin' ♪ ♪ Paul's a-comin ♪ ♪ The star of the show ♪ ♪ Let him come ♪ (audience cheering) - The old Starlight Theater.

Speaker A

There it is, the meteor. (suspenseful music) - We've been waiting for you, Paul. - Bill! Stay back.

Speaker A

- Watch out, Paul. He might kick your head. (audience laughing) - And that would be la dee da da dah!

Speaker A

- Ted! Emma's boss! - That's right, Paul. All your best friends are here. - We're happy now! We got what we wanted!

Speaker A

- No, no. Mr. Davidson didn't wanna become a mindless, alien slave. He wanted to be choked by his wife while he jerked off.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) Well, I'm gonna put a stop to all this. - I thought you didn't care about saving the planet.

Speaker A

- Back off, Greenpeace girl! I pull this pin and you're all toast. - You wouldn't do that, Paul.

Speaker A

- I sure as hell will! - And what about you? You'd die too. Is that what you want?

Speaker A

- It doesn't matter what I want! - We think it does, Paul. - And we wanna hear about it. (lively music) - In fact, we think there's a song in you yet.

Speaker A

♪ What's in your soul ♪ ♪ Is your heart so damp and bleak ♪ ♪ That you won't give us a peek of your soul ♪ ♪ Just let it out ♪ ♪ There's a voice inside of you ♪

Speaker A

♪ On the edge of comin' through ♪ ♪ What's it about ♪ ♪ And I know it's a singular voice, Paul ♪ ♪ You've just got to give up your choice ♪ ♪ Just let it out, let it out, let it out ♪

Speaker A

(audience laughing) ♪ Let it out, let it out, let it out ♪ ♪ Just let it out, let it out, let it out ♪ ♪ Let it out, let it out. ♪ ♪ Never ♪ (audience cheering) - It's your proximity to the meteor, Paul.

Speaker A

The air here is thick with its spores! Feel your apotheosis begin as it takes root in your mind!

Speaker A

Did you really think we'd let you kill us? You'll be one of us before you can pull that pin!

Speaker A

♪ What was that ♪ ♪ You let it out ♪ ♪ Was that a note or just a sound ♪ ♪ Am I finally coming 'round ♪ ♪ To a rhyming' scheme ♪ ♪ Oh God, just stop it ♪

Speaker A

♪ I'm split in two ♪ ♪ Is this me or is this you ♪ ♪ Am I dead ♪ ♪ I'm coming apart at the seams ♪ ♪ La, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, daaa ♪ ♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

Speaker A

♪ Just let it out, let it out, let it out ♪ ♪ Let it out, let it out, let it out, let it out ♪ ♪ You just gotta let it ♪ ♪ Just let it out, let it out, let it out ♪

Speaker A

♪ Let it out, let it out, let it ♪ (dramatic music) (Paul grunting) ♪ I've never been happy ♪ ♪ Wouldn't that be nice ♪ ♪ Is this the secret ♪ ♪ Singing and dancing through life ♪ ♪ Is my integrity ♪

Speaker A

♪ Worth anything at all ♪ ♪ But happiness can't come before its fall ♪ ♪ Am I crazy ♪ ♪ Maybe I've always been ♪ ♪ I've become what I've hated ♪ ♪ Or maybe I never did ♪

Speaker A

♪ It's awful freeing now ♪ ♪ To share the hate I've felt ♪ ♪ But what will I let in if I let it out ♪ ♪ Let it out, let it out ♪ ♪ Am I crazy ♪

Speaker A

♪ I don't think so ♪ ♪ Let it out, let it out, let it out ♪ ♪ Maybe I've always been ♪ ♪ Just let it out, let it out, let it out ♪ ♪ God, help me out ♪

Speaker A

♪ Let it out, let it out ♪ ♪ If I let it ♪ ♪ Out ♪ ♪ We will not be resisted ♪ - I don't like musicals.

Speaker A

(grenade exploding) (infected screaming) (audience cheering) (news report beeping) - [Narrator] This is Clivesdale Morning News with Rod and Racheal.

Speaker A

- [Rod] It's been two weeks since tragedy struck our sister city of Hatchetfield. Candlelight vigils line the streets as Clivesdale citizens try to make sense of this unspeakable loss.

Speaker A

Every last man, woman, and child in Hatchetfield gone in the blink of an eye.

Speaker A

A meteor and a ruptured gas line was all it took to wipe them off the map.

Speaker A

But it will take much, much more to wipe them from our hearts. (tranquil music) - Is she ready to go?

Speaker A

- Yes. (colonel sighing) How's that leg doing, Kelly? - Ugh, why did my new name have to be Kelly?

Speaker A

I liked my old name. Couldn't you have picked something similar, like Emily or? - That's a negative, Kelly.

Speaker A

You'll get used to it. In the meantime, we can't have anyone making any connections with you and Emma Perkins, who perished in the Hatchetfield catastrophe.

Speaker A

- Yeah, that's another thing. You couldn't even give me a cool death, you know?

Speaker A

Like, "Emma Perkins; her flesh melted off while she was shielding children." I mean, something heroic.

Speaker A

It was my idea to destroy the meteor. - And Uncle Sam is not ungrateful.

Speaker A

Here, Kelly, this is for you. Inside you'll find a new passport, Social Security card, and the deed to a five-acre plot of land in Colorado.

Speaker A

(colonel chuckling) Green, fertile, hell of a place to grow some cannabis. (audience laughing) - Colonel Schaffer, you're sure I'm the only survivor?

Speaker A

(colonel sighing) - We've been over this, Kelly. There were no survivors, (audience laughing) save for one little pocket-sized squirrel we found burrowed in the body of a local woodworker.

Speaker A

- Aw, Peanuts! I'm glad he got out of there. - Ah, in the wake of a tragedy like this, a little bit of good news goes a long way.

Speaker A

- Yeah. It's just Paul. - He was a good man. Were it not for his sacrifice, the outbreak would've spread to the mainland.

Speaker A

It was contained in Hatchetfield, but if it got loose here in Clivesdale, there'd be no stopping it.

Speaker A

Goodbye, Kelly. Good luck with the pot farm. (Kelly chuckling) (audience laughing) - Thanks. - Oh, wait, one more thing.

Speaker A

You'll be escorted to Colorado by a Mr., let's where it is, Ben Bridges. He's waiting outside.

Speaker A

- Oh, I don't know a Ben Bridges. - Oh, according to our records, you two are very good friends.

Speaker A

Peip would like to see it become something more. (audience laughing) (Emma sighing) - Paul?

Speaker A

Oh my God. You made it! We made it! (Emma chuckling) (lively music) ♪ Emma, I'm sorry ♪ ♪ You lost ♪ - Paul?

Speaker A

♪ Emma, I'm sorry ♪ ♪ You lost your way ♪ - Paul, you're scaring me.

Speaker A

♪ But what if I told you I made it ♪ - What? ♪ And this is the life that I chose ♪ ♪ Would you even believe it, Emma ♪ ♪ Do you believe in ghosts ♪ ♪ What if I told you a story that settled all the dust ♪

Speaker A

♪ I'm still the man you trust ♪ ♪ It's inevitable for us ♪ - No, no, get away from me!

Speaker A

You're not Paul! You're one of them! ♪ Before I had no ambition ♪ ♪ But now my life is a song ♪ ♪ Don't you want to see me happy ♪ ♪ Is that so tragically wrong ♪ ♪ What if the only choice is you had to sing to survive ♪

Speaker A

♪ We must go on with the show ♪ ♪ It's inevitable ♪ ♪ To know what I want now ♪ ♪ Know what you want now ♪ ♪ Emma, I want you to join the party ♪ ♪ Aren't you going to tip me ♪

Speaker A

♪ Get your cup of coffee ♪ ♪ Look at the fun we're having already ♪ ♪ What? I've found my calling ♪ ♪ You can do the same now ♪ ♪ Put your words to lyrics and you're playing the game now ♪

Speaker A

♪ It's all there is and all there ever was ♪ ♪ Emma ♪ ♪ Let me puke in your mouth, Em ♪ ♪ Just open your food bin, girl ♪ ♪ Then you can join the hive ♪ ♪ And show me those hands ♪

Speaker A

♪ Show me those jazz hands ♪ ♪ Get 'em up or you're shit out of luck ♪ ♪ Show me those hands, show me those jazz hands ♪ ♪ Or I might be inclined to plant my seed ♪

Speaker A

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ The hive needs to feed ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Happiness is guaranteed ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ If you just give us one last ♪

Speaker A

♪ Showstoppin' number with Emma front and center ♪ ♪ A kick line is inevitable ♪ ♪ What if I told you a story ♪ ♪ How the world became peaceful and just ♪ ♪ It was inevitable ♪ ♪ Inevitable ♪

Speaker A

♪ Inevitable ♪ - The apotheosis is upon - No! No! ♪ Us ♪ (audience cheering) (lively music) (audience cheering) - Hello?

Speaker A

Oh. Hey hey. Excuse me. Hello? What the fuck. Can someone help me, please? Please help. No, no, no.

Speaker A

No no. No. (indistinct) Please. No! (audience cheering) No. No. No! (lively music) - [Narrator] Let's go.

Speaker A

- [Paul] Oh. Hey, guy, hey, hey, okay. (Paul laughing) That's... Hey, did you see that? (Paul gasping) Oh, it's you.

Speaker A

Listen, I'm not a bad guy, okay? I've given to charities in the past. I used to do the Relay For Life every year when I was a kid.

Speaker A

♪ Yeah-e-yeah ♪ ♪ Just a typical day ♪ - What? ♪ That's got me feeling ♪ ♪ In a beautiful way ♪ ♪ No rhyme or reason ♪ ♪ We could sing a duet ♪ ♪ Or dance a style or two ♪

Speaker A

♪ Or I'll make you a bet ♪ ♪ Boop, just a smile will do ♪ ♪ Sometimes I just wanna shout ♪ ♪ On top of roof and mountain tops ♪ ♪ That all the world is paved in gold ♪

Speaker A

- [Paul] Oh, are they with Greenpeace too? ♪ Yesterday is retroactive ♪ ♪ Got myself a new perspective ♪ ♪ I strut it up and down the road ♪ ♪ So I throw my worries ♪ ♪ And my old skin away ♪

Speaker A

♪ Doin' what I want to ♪ ♪ On this la dee da da day, la dee da da day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪

Speaker A

♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ - [Paul] What the fuck was that?

Speaker A

- [Homeless Person] Oh, spare change for the homeless? - [Paul] Sorry, I don't have anything.

Speaker A

- [Homeless Person] Hey man, that's cool. ♪ 'Cause I may not have a home ♪ (audience laughing) ♪ But that's way okay ♪ ♪ 'Cause I prefer to roam ♪ ♪ The streets all day ♪ ♪ The world is my house ♪

Speaker A

♪ Oh, the dogs are my food ♪ ♪ Oh, look a new blouse ♪ ♪ Oh, and a new trash tattoo ♪ ♪ I used to want to kill them all ♪ ♪ While high on bath salt-zombie-drugs ♪

Speaker A

♪ While snacking on a dead man's face ♪ - [Paul] Oh no, no! ♪ But that just feels like yesterday ♪ ♪ A song takes all the pain away ♪ ♪ My politics and house-view's changed ♪ (homeless person chuckling)

Speaker A

♪ Dancing on the concrete, oh, used to hurt a lot ♪ ♪ But now I got new feet ♪ ♪ And this jam's just way too hot ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪

Speaker A

♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪

Speaker A

- [Paul] Uh, excuse me. What's going on here? I'm very confused and concerned by all this.

Speaker A

♪ Do you wanna save the planet ♪ ♪ Of course you wanna save the planet ♪ ♪ Do you wanna save the planet ♪ ♪ Well, there's just one way you can do it ♪ ♪ By singing a song ♪

Speaker A

♪ Singing a song ♪ ♪ Singing along ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee da da ♪ ♪ Da dee dah dah dah dee dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah dah dah day ♪

Speaker A

♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah ♪ ♪ La dee dah dah day ♪

Speaker A

♪ Away ♪ ♪ La dee dah daaaah ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ Day ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ Showstoppin' number ♪ ♪ A real showstopper ♪ ♪ A show stoppin' number ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ ♪ Something to shock 'em ♪

Speaker A

♪ To bring them a-crawlin' ♪ ♪ A big time box office draw ♪ ♪ With the press and the glamour ♪ ♪ We'll kill the reviews ♪ ♪ Spotlight on Mr. Ingenue ♪ ♪ So fill up your tumbler ♪

Speaker A

♪ Got a show stopping number for you ♪ - [Emma] Please, Professor! If they hear us, they will kill us!

Speaker A

♪ A showstoppin' number ♪ - Oh God. ♪ Is something ya die for ♪ ♪ A real catchy ear-wormy tune ♪ ♪ An award-winning score ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ That seeps in and out of your pores ♪ ♪ A ditty to make the chorus girls swoon ♪

Speaker A

♪ It'll unify humanity ♪ ♪ In a thundering chorus ♪ ♪ No exits from this Broadway venue ♪ ♪ So splash those shiny cymbals ♪ ♪ Got a show stopping hymnal for you ♪ - [Professor] This song's pretty good, huh?

Speaker A

(audience laughing) Bet you didn't know I was also a composer! While I've been preparing for the apocalypse, I've also been writing my own musical!

Speaker A

(audience laughing) This here's the title number. (audience cheering) ♪ Business calls ♪ ♪ I'm up to my ass in shit ♪ ♪ What is this business ♪ ♪ Markets are crashing ♪ ♪ And I'm at the edge of my wits, hm ♪

Speaker A

♪ I just can't take it ♪ ♪ When all I want to do ♪ ♪ Is spend my day with Steve and ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪

Speaker A

♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪ ♪ I can't wait to get home to my boys ♪ ♪ A show stoppin' number ♪ ♪ A real showstopper ♪ ♪ An aria to rule them all ♪ ♪ They'll throw us their money ♪

Speaker A

♪ At full price admission ♪ ♪ The world will come a tumbling down ♪ ♪ Hamilton, move over ♪ ♪ Your new competition's in town ♪ - [Infected] Hey, Henry.

Speaker A

- [Professor] Greg! Is that really you? - [Emma] No, that's not Greg! - [Infected] Been a long time.

Speaker A

- [Infected] Hey, boys! You ready to toss around that pigskin? - [Professor] Stu! You haven't aged a day!

Speaker A

Is it 5 o'clock already? It must be! - [Stu] Come on, Henry. We got some catching up to do.

Speaker A

♪ Workin boys, we're up in our ass in shit ♪ ♪ What is this business ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪ ♪ 5 o'clock can't come soon enough ♪

Speaker A

♪ I can't wait to get home to my boys ♪ (tranquil music) ♪ Emma, I'm sorry ♪ ♪ You lost ♪ - [Emma] Paul?

Speaker A

♪ Emma, I'm sorry ♪ ♪ You lost your way ♪ - [Emma] Paul, you're scaring me.

Speaker A

♪ But what if I told you I made it ♪ - [Emma] What? ♪ And this is the life that I chose ♪ ♪ Would you even believe it, Emma ♪ ♪ Do you believe in ghosts ♪ ♪ What if I told you a story that settled all the dust ♪

Speaker A

♪ I'm still the man you trust ♪ ♪ It's inevitable for us ♪ - [Emma] No, no, get away from me!

Speaker A

You're not Paul! You're one of them! ♪ Before I had no ambition ♪ ♪ But now my life is a song ♪ ♪ Don't you want to see me happy ♪ ♪ Is that so tragically wrong ♪ ♪ What if the only choice is you had to sing to survive ♪

Speaker A

♪ We must go on with the show ♪ ♪ It's inevitable ♪ ♪ To know what I want now ♪ ♪ Know what you want now ♪ ♪ Emma, I want you to join the party ♪ ♪ Aren't you going to tip me ♪

Speaker A

♪ Get your cup of coffee ♪ ♪ Look at the fun we're having already ♪ ♪ What? I've found my calling ♪ ♪ You can do the same now ♪ ♪ Put your words to lyrics and you're playing the game now ♪

Speaker A

♪ It's all there is and all there ever was ♪ ♪ Emma ♪ ♪ Let me puke in your mouth, Em ♪ ♪ Just open your food bin, girl ♪ ♪ Then you can join the hive ♪ ♪ And show me those hands ♪

Speaker A

♪ Show me those jazz hands ♪ ♪ Get 'em up or you're shit out of luck ♪ ♪ Show me those hands, show me those jazz hands ♪ ♪ Or I might be inclined to plant my seed ♪

Speaker A

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ The hive needs to feed ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Happiness is guaranteed ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ If you just give us one last ♪

Speaker A

♪ Showstoppin' number with Emma front and center ♪ ♪ A kick line is inevitable ♪ ♪ What if I told you a story ♪ ♪ How the world became peaceful and just ♪ ♪ It was inevitable ♪ ♪ Inevitable ♪

Speaker A

♪ Inevitable ♪ - [Paul] The apotheosis is upon - No! No! ♪ Us ♪ (audience cheering)

Topics:Team StarKidmusical theatreThe Guy Who Didn't Like MusicalsHatchetfieldstage musicalparodycomedyapocalypselive performanceMamma Mia

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