Black Friday

Team StarKid's musical parody of Black Friday follows Tickle-Me Wiggly, a toy frenzy at Hatchetfield's Lakeside Mall, with chaos, satire, and catchy songs.

Key Takeaways

Black Friday consumerism is satirized as a manic, dangerous spectacle.
Catchy advertising jingles are shown as powerful and manipulative tools.
The musical blends absurd comedy with serious themes of loss and economic hardship.
The toy craze is a vehicle for commentary on American holiday culture.

What the video covers

Opens with a sea-shanty style ad for the Tickle-Me Wiggly toy sold by Uncle Wiley Toys at Toy Zone.
Characters across Hatchetfield, including parents, shoppers, and store workers, are drawn into the Black Friday rush.
Satirical commentary on advertising jingles and consumer hype, comparing Wiggly to Cabbage Patch Kids and Tamagotchis.
Storylines involve a grieving family, a child's Christmas wish, and a mall security and retail workplace comedy.
Escalating chaos at the mall leads to a riot, a stolen doll, and a larger apocalyptic turn tied to the Wiggly phenomenon.
Recurring musical numbers mix holiday themes with the Wiggly jingle and darker dramatic moments.
Satire of consumerism, economic inequality, and holiday commercialization runs throughout.
The later segments shift toward supernatural and sci-fi elements involving a portal, a president, and Wiggly's birth.
Ends with the characters confronting the consequences of the frenzy and the threat posed by Wiggly.

Chapters

What is the Tickle-Me Wiggly in this musical?

It is a fictional must-have toy sold by Uncle Wiley Toys at Toy Zone, promoted with a catchy jingle. Its frenzied demand drives much of the Black Friday chaos in the story.

What themes does the video explore?

The video satirizes consumerism, advertising hype, and holiday commercialization. It also touches on grief, economic hardship, and the absurd lengths people go to for trendy gifts.

Is the video mainly comedic or dramatic?

It is primarily a comedic musical parody, but it includes darker and more dramatic moments involving loss and escalating supernatural threats. The tone mixes humor with sharp social commentary.

Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

Speaker A

Ahoy there, boys and girls! Hop aboard the S.S. Wiggle! We're settin' sail for giggles! Come on, Sniggles!

Speaker A

We're settin' sail for giggles! Come on, Sniggles! (upbeat music) - Hey, everybody, we're the Sniggles, don't be scared.

Speaker A

Hey, everybody, we're the Sniggles, don't be scared.

Speaker A

♪ He'll wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle with you ♪ - His belly's so squishy!

Speaker A

♪ He's a wiggly snig, and a sniggly wiggly ♪

Speaker A

♪ A friendy-wend that makes you giggly ♪

Speaker A

♪ He's an underwater creature from outta this world ♪

Speaker A

♪ A bestest friendy-wend to all the boys and girls ♪

Speaker A

♪ He's a wiggly wig and a snuggle-poo ♪

Speaker A

♪ This holiday season ♪ ♪ Now you've got a reason ♪ ♪ For fwends to come and play ♪ ♪ Come and play with us ♪ ♪ You brush his hair with a comb ♪ ♪ His body's made out of foam ♪

Speaker A

♪ He'll wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪

Speaker A

♪ Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle with you ♪

Speaker A

♪ Do The Wiggle ♪ ♪ Do The Wiggle ♪ ♪ Do The Wiggle ♪ ♪ Do The Wiggle ♪ ♪ On this Black Friday, he will hit the shelves ♪ ♪ He's riding Santa's sleigh ♪ ♪ 'Cause he's friends with all the elves ♪

Speaker A

His belly's so squishy!

Speaker A

at Hatchetfield's Lakeside Mall, with sales so huge you'll lose your mind! Doors open at seven a.m.!

Speaker A

♪ He's Wiggly and he's here to stay ♪

Speaker A

♪ His belly's squishy, puts a smile on your face ♪

Speaker A

♪ So tickle his belly-well and he will say ♪

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - How many times are they gonna play that ad? - I don't know.

Speaker A

I wuv you!

Speaker A

And I'll tell you why. - Paul, I don't care. - It's these advertising firms with their catchy jingles that worm their way into your brain, brewing up the hype, till it boils over.

Speaker A

♪ Tickle-tickle me Wiggly ♪

Speaker A

- Oh, relax, it's just a toy. - Cabbage Patch Kids were just toys, and there were riots over those things, literally, riots.

Speaker A

Uncle Wiley, where does Wiggly come from?

Speaker A

(audience laughing) What is the appeal? - What's the appeal of Tamagotchis, or Beanie Babies, or Wiggly?

Speaker A

♪ Tickle-tickle me Wiggly ♪

Speaker A

And none of that talk around Tim, okay? He's nine, he probably wants a Wiggly more than anything.

Speaker A

Well, he's deep down in Drowsy Town, sleepin' the dreamless sleep of the dead!

Speaker A

- Yeah, well, the car crash was last Christmas, Paul. The guy lost his wife.

Speaker A

But how are we gonna wake him up, Uncle Wiley?

Speaker A

I barely know them. I'm done fucking things up, I just need this to work, okay?

Speaker A

Well, you'll just have to pick up your own Wiggly this Black Friday!

Speaker A

So cheer up, it's Christmas time in Hatchetfield. Isn't that fun? (doorbell rings) Hey, everything's going to be okay, okay?

Speaker A

♪ Come on kids, time to gather round ♪

Speaker A

♪ There's an underwater creature that will turn that frown ♪

Speaker A

♪ He's a friendy-wend through thick and blue ♪

Speaker A

♪ 'Cause Wiggly wiggles with you ♪

Speaker A

♪ Rub his belly-well ♪

Speaker A

(audience laughing) Uh, you know, Pete, Tom, Tim, we, I used to go to Pizza Pete's when I was a kid.

Speaker A

♪ Bounce him up and down ♪

Speaker A

♪ Tell him that you love ♪

Speaker A

♪ How he wiggles with you ♪

Speaker A

♪ He's all that you wanted ♪

Speaker A

♪ He's all that you needed ♪

Speaker A

♪ For this holiday season ♪

Speaker A

get that RC car you wanted. - I wanted to have fun. - Ski ball is fun.

Speaker A

♪ This holiday season ♪

Speaker A

♪ Now you've got a reason ♪

Speaker A

♪ For fwends to come and play ♪

Speaker A

♪ Come and play with us ♪

Speaker A

♪ You brush his hair with a comb ♪

Speaker A

♪ His body's made out of foam ♪

Speaker A

- Well, I have to go somewhere important, okay? - Where? - For you information, I need a new blade for my bandsaw.

Speaker A

♪ That's certified laundry-safe ♪

Speaker A

♪ When Wiggly takes over ♪

Speaker A

♪ Your hearts and your sofa, girl ♪

Speaker A

♪ Boy, the world will be a ♪

Speaker A

♪ Playground full of magics and sniggle songs ♪

Speaker A

♪ And when you're feeling down, he's there to sing along ♪

Speaker A

- Nah, Toy Zone doesn't do pre-orders, it's first come, first served, so. - Oh, do you have someone holding your place in line?

Speaker A

♪ He's a wiggly snig and a best fwend too ♪

Speaker A

♪ And he'll wiggle, wiggle ♪

Speaker A

♪ He'll wiggle, wiggle ♪

Speaker A

♪ He'll wiggle his way through life ♪

Speaker A

- Are you guys pulling my chain? - Tom, at this point, I wouldn't even bother going down there.

Speaker A

And he's a steal at only $49.95!

Speaker A

- He doesn't want that, he wants this doll! Is that so much to ask for?

Speaker A

♪ Do The Wiggle ♪

Speaker A

♪ Do The Wiggle ♪

Speaker A

♪ Do The Wiggle ♪

Speaker A

♪ Do The Wiggle ♪

Speaker A

♪ On this Black Friday, he will hit the shelves ♪

Speaker A

♪ He's riding Santa's sleigh ♪

Speaker A

♪ 'Cause he's friends with all the elves ♪

Speaker A

♪ After all, you're my son ♪ ♪ He still lights up a room ♪ ♪ It's just less frequently that you catch him in bloom ♪ ♪ If there's a god, my god, can you see what you've made ♪

Speaker A

♪ So sniggle your stocking up for those days of 12 ♪

Speaker A

♪ This Christmas wiggle with Wiggly ♪

Speaker A

♪ Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪

Speaker A

♪ Wiggle your way through life ♪

Speaker A

♪ I'd give up both of my arms to get you on track ♪ ♪ All I need is a smile ♪ ♪ Just give your dad a wink ♪ ♪ Yes, all I need is to get you up ♪

Speaker A

Yeah!

Speaker A

- Yeah, it says no parking at any time, but I'm sure the loading trucks could just park across the street.

Speaker A

(children cheering)

Speaker A

- What's it look like I'm doing? I'm having a bud before my shift. - Hey, does your mother know you smoke?

Speaker A

[Announcer] It's Black Friday at Hatchetfield's Lakeside Mall, with sales so huge you'll lose your mind! Doors open at seven a.m.! Lose your mind!

Speaker A

Last year, you were back in school. You were on top of your classes. - I was hardly valedictorian.

Speaker A

Pick up a Kitchen Aide Air-Fryer for only $54.95! Crazy!

Speaker A

- No, if you show up and put in the effort, I'm not gonna hold an accident like that against you.

Speaker A

A two-piece living room set from Miller's for only $555.88!

Speaker A

So I decided to follow the example of my favorite teacher and never come back.

Speaker A

I just dropped dead!

Speaker A

- What's it matter? School's supposed to prepare you for the workplace, and I have a job.

Speaker A

And fill this holiday season with giggles with the brand new Tickle-Me Wiggly by Uncle Wiley Toys! Only $49.95 at Toy Zone!

Speaker A

- Yeah, what, you have a problem with retail? - No, no, no, no I think Toy Zone is a great place for you to work.

Speaker A

♪ He's a wiggly snig, and a sniggly wiggly ♪

Speaker A

- Yeah, well, if I don't support my drinking habit, who will? (audience laughing) - Yeah, that's funny, listen, Lex, I'm actually here to get a Christmas present for my son, it's a Tickle-Me Wiggly.

Speaker A

Ugh.

Speaker A

- Oh, you mean, like, put one on the side for you? - Yeah. - Yeah, like put your name on it, put it under the counter?

Speaker A

(audience laughing)

Speaker A

- Yeah, well, you know, I could, but that would be violating company policy. And everyone's telling me to be more responsible lately, so I'm gonna go with them on this one.

Speaker A

How many times are they gonna play that ad?

Speaker A

And I'd hurry if I were you. The line's already backed-up to Nordstrom. - Oh, oh, no, no, no, no.

Speaker A

I don't know.

Speaker A

- All right, merry Christmas. - [Tom] Yeah, merry Christmas, Lex! ♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪ ♪ Glory to a newborn king ♪ ♪ A fucking furry little monster ♪ ♪ That's gonna make me a pile of cash ♪

Speaker A

Emma, you know how I feel about that musical commercial.

Speaker A

- Ah, with pleasure. - So that's them, huh? - Yup, our own little miracle on 34th street.

Speaker A

I know, you don't--

Speaker A

- Cute. They call it Black Friday because it's the day in America when most retailers go from being in the red, losing money, to being in the black, making money.

Speaker A

I don't like it. And I'll tell you why.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) - (laughs) Oh, I sure hope so! - Oh, you are gonna make a killing.

Speaker A

Paul, I don't care.

Speaker A

On this, the holiest day in America for humble merchants across this fine nation? - If it's a holy day, do I get time-and-a-half?

Speaker A

It's these advertising firms with their catchy jingles that worm their way into your brain, brewing up the hype, till it boils over. It's things like Wiggly that make Black Friday the worst shopping day of the year.

Speaker A

You wanna end up like your mother? No prospects and two kids she can't take care of?

Speaker A

Oh, relax, it's just a toy.

Speaker A

- Look, Frank, do you want me to unload these things or what? - That would be nice!

Speaker A

Cabbage Patch Kids were just toys, and there were riots over those things, literally, riots.

Speaker A

- Thank you. Alexandra, do you have something to say back to me? Something a polite young woman might respond with?

Speaker A

Why? God, what even is a Cabbage Patch Kid? It's like you're cuttin' into a head of lettuce and, "Oh shit, a baby!" It's like, I wanted a salad but now I have a child.

Speaker A

I say thank you, so you should say-- - You're welcome. - See, she can be taught!

Speaker A

(audience laughing) What is the appeal?

Speaker A

We'll see who's laughin'. (eerie music) Hi, Wiggly, I'm Lex. So you're what all the fuss is about.

Speaker A

What's the appeal of Tamagotchis, or Beanie Babies, or Wiggly? It's just mania, Emma, like a spell.

Speaker A

- I think so too, Wiggly. I think you're gonna help me out a lot more than you know.

Speaker A

Well, we're here, so you can get off your soapbox. And none of that talk around Tim, okay? He's nine, he probably wants a Wiggly more than anything. And if we upset his son, Tom will never invite us over again.

Speaker A

- Hey, come on, it was just a goof! - Where's my sister? - Oh no, Hannah?

Speaker A

Your brother-in-law's a bit of a Scrooge, isn't he?

Speaker A

Oh, I must've forgot 'cause I'm so stupid! She's right over here, but I gotta warn you, she's being a little snot today.

Speaker A

Yeah, well, the car crash was last Christmas, Paul. The guy lost his wife. I mean, he is an asshole but he's the guy Jane married, and he and Tim are the only family I have left. I barely know them. I'm done fucking things up, I just need this to work, okay?

Speaker A

- Okay, don't pull her. - I'm not. - Hey, Banana, is it a good day or a bad day?

Speaker A

It will, he invited you over, he wants you to be a part of his life. So cheer up, it's Christmas time in Hatchetfield. Isn't that fun? (doorbell rings) Hey, everything's going to be okay, okay?

Speaker A

You know my backpack, the one with the pins on it? Well, today you get to wear it.

Speaker A

Okay.

Speaker A

That makes me sad. Do you think I have a bad backpack? - I'm not supposed to.

Speaker A

Okay. (audience laughing) (audience cheering)

Speaker A

- What does Webby say? - Bad blood, cross, black and white. - Can you translate?

Speaker A

You're late.

Speaker A

- No! - Okay, lemme try, lemme try. All right, Banana-split. (gentle music) You see this hat?

Speaker A

It's 6:30 in the morning.

Speaker A

(audience laughing) It's imbued with the power of Grayskull to ward off dark magic, bad blood, backpacks, any fuckin' thing.

Speaker A

Yeah, and I said six. But I guess you had to go to Starbucks.

Speaker A

- Honest? - Cross my heart, hope to die. I'd make a great dad, I'm just saying.

Speaker A

Aha. (bright music)

Speaker A

Is everything good with the buyer? - Oh yeah, about that, there's been a little complication.

Speaker A

Hey Tim.

Speaker A

And before I know it, there is a bidding war for this thing. And we got somebody willing to pay seven.

Speaker A

Hi, Aunt Emma.

Speaker A

We're set, we're set! (laughs) Hannah, do you know what this means? - California? - Cali-fucking-fornia.

Speaker A

We missed you at Thanksgiving yesterday, but I heard you and your dad did something pretty cool, Pizza Pete's?

Speaker A

♪ And when the sun shines down upon me ♪ ♪ I'll know I'm righteous, babe ♪ ♪ In this time of crisis, babe ♪ ♪ And when the sun shines down over Cali ♪ ♪ Your future's priceless, babe ♪

Speaker A

Oh, Pizza Pete's, that is cool!

Speaker A

♪ If you can't afford a smoke ♪ ♪ It's not a trope ♪ ♪ I'll be an actress ♪ ♪ 'Cause I've had practice ♪ ♪ Selling hope ♪ That's not how cameras work, babe.

Speaker A

Who are you?

Speaker A

♪ 'Cause love will drive us ♪ ♪ Oh, we're Califor-M.I.A. ♪ ♪ Missing in action ♪ ♪ And you should buy some traction ♪ ♪ We're Califor-M.I.A. ♪ - Dear Mom, it's been real.

Speaker A

I'm Paul, I'm Emma's boyfriend?

Speaker A

- We get it, Ethan, you're a good speller! I'm taking Hannah. As far away as we can get.

Speaker A

Well, we haven't put a label on it yet, so. (audience laughing)

Speaker A

Sincerely Lex. P.S. Get yourself a new trailer, 'cause the one is-- - [Lex And Ethan] Broke ass shit.

Speaker A

But we are intimate. (audience laughing) Uh, you know, Pete, Tom, Tim, we, I used to go to Pizza Pete's when I was a kid. I used to love the ball pits, the bumper cars!

Speaker A

- (gasps) Hannah! What the fuck is this? That better be fucking floss! (audience laughing) Let's go, I need a cigarette.

Speaker A

Yeah, I don't really like getting hit by cars anymore.

Speaker A

Because you're not to step within 1,000 feet of a Cinnabon, Gerald. No, I don't believe that you just want to smell them.

Speaker A

Oh, right, yeah, because of the, uh, okay.

Speaker A

Excuse me, sir, what do scissors do? - Huh? - Hello there, Linda Monroe. President of the Hatchetfield Boating Society.

Speaker A

Uh, I mean, that stuff's for little kids. Pizza Pete's is all about the games, right?

Speaker A

- No, I've been waiting here all night. - And your time is precious, I'm sure.

Speaker A

Yeah, Mom and I used to play Zombie House, but Dad can't 'cause he's not supposed to hold a gun. (audience laughing) Not even a fake one, he gets flashbacks.

Speaker A

Thank you, Mrs. Monroe, merry Christmas to ya. - Thanks. - Excuse me. - No, Gerald, you cannot run across the street.

Speaker A

What are you tellin' them? I do not get flashbacks, I remember bad things vividly. (audience laughing)

Speaker A

- Excuse me! - What? Oh my god, Gerald, hold on, Becky Barnes is accosting me.

Speaker A

Tom did two tours in Iraq.

Speaker A

- Oh, oh no, I did not cut, I bought this spot, fair and square.

Speaker A

Oh, thank you for your service.

Speaker A

That's called a bribe, sir, and it's illegal. Or it should be. Did you ever think about all the people behind you?

Speaker A

I didn't do it for you. (audience laughing) And I coulda played the damn zombie game, but I was over at the ski ball machine trying to win tickets to help you get that RC car you wanted.

Speaker A

Knowing it was wrong. - Come on, lady, it's one person, that's one less doll.

Speaker A

I wanted to have fun.

Speaker A

They're not going to share one like some junkie children with a needle. - Linda, do you really think your children are better than everyone else's?

Speaker A

Ski ball is fun.

Speaker A

I hope you fucking die. (audience laughing) What are you doing here anyway? You don't even have children, thank God.

Speaker A

Ski ball sucks.

Speaker A

- Ew. - There's a little girl there, Bridgette, she lost her eyesight in an accident, a horrible accident.

Speaker A

Well, hey, we're gonna have fun today, huh. We brought DVDs, games, we got leftovers. Everything you need for a belated Turkey Day.

Speaker A

- You know what, if I were you, sir, I'd say, "I don't need your money, Linda Monroe." And I'd tear that check right in half.

Speaker A

All right, you guys are gonna have a good time. Hopefully you'll only have to watch Tim for a few hours.

Speaker A

- No, no, no, it's my check! - See, Becky Barnes, this is Hatchetfield. Not that ra-ra, school spirit, cheerleader bullshit that you never grew out of.

Speaker A

Oh, when you called, I thought that we, (scoffs) I see. This is not a family Thanksgiving thing, I am babysitting.

Speaker A

Or did you think your neighbors didn't notice you were wearing sunglasses on cloudy days?

Speaker A

Yeah, Grace is outta town and I couldn't find another sitter. I wouldn't have texted you guys unless I had any other option, I'm sorry. I'll try to be quick so you can get the hell outta here.

Speaker A

Not because you're so naive, because you're so weak. Oh, stop crying, Gerald, I wasn't talking to you.

Speaker A

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Speaker A

Miss, miss, you think I can get your spot in line, I've got like 20 bucks, it's really important, it's for my kid.

Speaker A

Dad, I thought we were all gonna be here together.

Speaker A

♪ I dunno ♪ ♪ Tommy's put on some weight ♪ ♪ Becky's put on some weight ♪ ♪ He was embedded in Afghanistan ♪ ♪ She embedded the inmate ♪ ♪ What will she say to him ♪ - Hi, Tom.

Speaker A

Well, I have to go somewhere important, okay?

Speaker A

- I'm good. ♪ I heard Tom is seeing things ♪ ♪ Only ghosts ♪ ♪ It's called PTSD ♪ ♪ Oh forget about it ♪ ♪ Has he PT-seen her hubby ♪ ♪ He ran off ♪ ♪ She's not has hot as she used to be ♪

Speaker A

Where?

Speaker A

♪ Will he opine ♪ ♪ Hold on, it's way too painful ♪ ♪ For Tom, or maybe for Beck ♪ ♪ Or maybe for me ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ When you love each other ♪

Speaker A

For you information, I need a new blade for my bandsaw.

Speaker A

- Oh, nothing reall.y - How are things? - Haven't seen it. ♪ Oh my god it's a train wreck ♪ ♪ My favorite ♪ ♪ Gimme my tub of popcorn ♪ ♪ Just skip to the fucking ♪ ♪ She'd never ♪

Speaker A

Yeah, that's real important.

Speaker A

♪ There, she looked at his crotch ♪ ♪ He looked at her boobs ♪ ♪ They're walking a very fine line ♪ ♪ Oops, I think we've been caught ♪ ♪ Is he looking at mine ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪

Speaker A

Hey, Tim, Tim.

Speaker A

- Look, Becky, you look great. - Thanks, so do you. - Thanks. - So, you shopping for your kid?

Speaker A

Wow, great priorities, Tom. First the tools, then the kid.

Speaker A

- (laughs) I missed you. ♪ What did she say ♪ ♪ They still love each other ♪ ♪ What did she say ♪ ♪ The years have passed ♪ ♪ What do you say ♪ ♪ When you rediscover ♪

Speaker A

I didn't say that.

Speaker A

- Oh, nothing, I actually, I forgot what I was going to-- ♪ Say ♪ (audience cheering) - All right, people, the doors are now opening.

Speaker A

What are you gonna do for his birthday? Leave him at home and take the drill press to Six Flags?

Speaker A

- Please enter the store in an orderly fashion. For those of you here to buy a Tickle-Me Wiggly, you can get those at the check-out counter.

Speaker A

I don't have a drill press. And even if I did, how would it fit into the Sedan? I had to say something because I didn't wanna ruin the surprise. I'm going to the mall to get Tim's Christmas present, okay? It's this new doll everybody's been talking about. This little monster that you tickle.

Speaker A

♪ It's a pageant ♪ ♪ For the gallant ♪ ♪ Parents who are slightly unbalanced ♪ ♪ We're slashing prices ♪ ♪ 'Cause you've got vices ♪ ♪ That come in a variety of sizes ♪ ♪ You see a deal, I see a meal ♪

Speaker A

Oh my god, Tom, you're getting Tim a Tickle-Me-Wiggly?

Speaker A

♪ When our doors are open ♪ ♪ To the public ♪ ♪ Don't you want it ♪ ♪ For us capitalists, we are honest ♪ ♪ Come for the scope and grandeur ♪ ♪ When our doors burst open ♪

Speaker A

Shh, yeah.

Speaker A

♪ It's no wonder ♪ ♪ Here's your number ♪ ♪ Know your place in line ♪ - I'll pay to move up ♪ I never skim off the top ♪ ♪ It's also advisable ♪ ♪ That we're not liable for anyone who dies ♪

Speaker A

He's gonna flip. You must've pre-ordered that thing like six months ago!

Speaker A

♪ The highest of holidays comes but once a year ♪ ♪ I'm not talking about the fat man and his reindeer ♪ ♪ It's the creme brulee following a turkey day ♪ ♪ Which requires a bottle of pepper spray ♪

Speaker A

Nah, Toy Zone doesn't do pre-orders, it's first come, first served, so.

Speaker A

♪ Your republic is in the market ♪ ♪ Your net worth is in my back pocket ♪ ♪ And it weighs my pants down ♪ ♪ Weighs down his pants! ♪ ♪ When our doors thrust open ♪ ♪ I'm your annual entrepreneur ♪

Speaker A

Oh, do you have someone holding your place in line?

Speaker A

♪ It's where it's at ♪ ♪ Oh I, I, I, like to touch, touch, touch my money ♪ ♪ Did you know if you spend money ♪ ♪ Your kids will love you maybe ♪ ♪ They're slashing prices ♪

Speaker A

What do you mean line? It's 6:30, I'm gonna get there 10 minutes before the doors even open.

Speaker A

Your donations are gladly accepted, good morning. ♪ Yeah ♪ (audience cheering) - Oh, look, a valued customer, good morning, sir!

Speaker A

Tom, I know you've been kind of shut in for a while, so you might not grasp the demand for this doll.

Speaker A

- Wait, what? - What did that guy just say? - Excuse me, sir, did my ears deceive me or did you say you want to buy all of them?

Speaker A

My buddy, Bill, tried to get one online. The orders are so backed up, the earliest he can get one is next Christmas. Not this Christmas, next Christmas, maybe.

Speaker A

- Would you like them gift wrapped? - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Speaker A

You should've been in line last night.

Speaker A

- Hey, what's goin' on up there? - I think someone's tryin' to buy all the dolls!

Speaker A

He should've been in line last week.

Speaker A

Could I interest you in a Gummy Bug Maker. - Oh, you should be ashamed of yourself, you disgusting little pervert!

Speaker A

Are you guys pulling my chain?

Speaker A

One will be used exclusively for bath time. - This is unbelievable! - Hey, lady, if you're gonna make with the hysterics, take it to Macy's!

Speaker A

Tom, at this point, I wouldn't even bother going down there.

Speaker A

- Listen, I've been waiting here all night! And I am not leaving here without a Wiggly!

Speaker A

Goddammit, Jane would've had all this worked out.

Speaker A

- Gary, thank God. - Are you aware that my client, Linda Monroe, suffers from a rare, little-understood anxiety disorder, and any lasting medical conditions which may arise from stress caused on these premises are your liability, sir?

Speaker A

You could get him like a Nintendo

Speaker A

- All right, all right, all right! We're gonna try and be fair! We're gonna put a limit on how many Wigglys each customer can purchase.

Speaker A

One per person, you happy now? - Yeah! - No! Of all the arbitrary numbers, why one?

Speaker A

It should be a nice, even number that we can all agree upon, like four.

Speaker A

- No! - Boo - Well, you can buy less if you want! - I thought all sales were final!

Speaker A

- Look, you're not gettin' all the Wigglys, ya sicko! - Well, now you'll be hearing from my attorney.

Speaker A

- Hi, Gary Goldstein, attorney at law. Are you aware my client, Sherman Young, is being discriminated against-- - Shut up, Gary!

Speaker A

- Ooh, right in the subpoena! - All right, forget this line! I'll give you $500, cash money, for one Wiggly!

Speaker A

- Now there's an idea, would you like it gift-wrapped? - Wait a minute, I'll give you 700!

Speaker A

- No, everyone back in line. - Shut the fuck up! - Hey, get your hands off her!

Speaker A

- Fuck you! - Show me the money, people, show me the money! - $800!

Speaker A

- $3! - Can I use these coupons? - This ain't right, I lost my job when the plant closed!

Speaker A

I can't afford three, $500 for a doll! A Wiggly is 49.95! - Sorry, pal, the price just went up!

Speaker A

Supply and demand is a wonderful thing! Whoever pays the most for a Wiggly, gets a Wiggly!

Speaker A

- Well, if you're not gonna sell me that doll, then I guess I'm just gonna have to take it!

Speaker A

- Hey, hands off the merchandise, pal! - That guy just got a Wiggly, he's got a Wiggly doll!

Speaker A

- Well, if he gets one, then I want four! - Give me that doll!

Speaker A

- Go give it to me! (people screaming) (intense music) ♪ It's mine, it's mine, it's certainly mine ♪ ♪ It belongs to my boy ♪ ♪ It's mine, it's mine, it's certainly mine ♪ ♪ It's my little toy ♪

Speaker A

♪ It's mine, it's mine, it's mine, it's mine, ♪ ♪ It's certainly mine, it's mine ♪ ♪ It's my little boyfriend ♪ ♪ It's mine, it's mine, it's mine, it's mine ♪ ♪ It's certainly mine ♪ ♪ It's my fucking money to spend ♪

Speaker A

♪ You never should settle for the lifetime ♪ ♪ That is handed to you ♪ ♪ There's always a line to be cut ♪ ♪ And someone to barrel through ♪ ♪ And if you should find that you're ♪

Speaker A

♪ About to get the short of the stick ♪ ♪ Take what you want, return what you get ♪ ♪ Chaos reigns ♪ ♪ Let go, let go, let go, let go, just let go ♪ ♪ Do you have a death wish ♪

Speaker A

♪ Just die, you die, just die, you die, it's time to die ♪ ♪ You made my Christmas list ♪ ♪ I got it, I got it, you got it, they got it ♪ ♪ What a relief, it's mine ♪

Speaker A

♪ My family will love me ♪ ♪ Now take it, slap it, love it, mine it ♪ ♪ Squee, squee ♪ ♪ Its belly's so squishy ♪ ♪ You never should settle for the lifetime ♪ ♪ That is handed to you ♪

Speaker A

♪ There's always a line to be cut ♪ ♪ And someone to barrel through ♪ ♪ And if you should find that you're ♪ ♪ About to get the short of the stick ♪ ♪ Take what you want, return what you get ♪

Speaker A

♪ It's all I need and all I came for ♪ ♪ It's something that I can't resist ♪ - What is this?

Speaker A

♪ A principle I plan to die for ♪ - What're you gonna do? ♪ That toy is the last thing on my Christmas list ♪ - You're in my toy store.

Speaker A

♪ Put the toy into the plastic ♪ - Get out. ♪ It bags it up with gift receipt ♪ ♪ I'll never ever e'er return it ♪ ♪ But you bet the price I pay will be discreet ♪

Speaker A

♪ You never should settle ♪ ♪ Never should settle ♪ ♪ Never should settle ♪ ♪ For the lifetime ♪ ♪ For the lifetime ♪ ♪ For the lifetime ♪ ♪ That is handed to you ♪ ♪ Take what you want ♪

Speaker A

♪ Feast or Famine ♪ (audience laughing) - Hi, welcome to the Lakeside Mall Cineplex.

Speaker A

How can I help you? - Yeah, can I get two tickets to that new flick, "Santa Claus Is Goin' To High School"?

Speaker A

- Okay, that'll be two tickets to "Santa Claus Is Goin' To High School," that'll be 27.50.

Speaker A

- What, are you kidding me, 30 bucks for two tickets? That's look. I'll give you $15, that's as high as I'll go!

Speaker A

- Uh, sir, okay, this is not the type of place where you can haggle, sir.

Speaker A

Like, I don't set the prices, okay, I'm just a high school kid. (audience laughing) - Well, yeah, well, I'm gonna find you at school!

Speaker A

Cram you into a locker and fart in it! - Oh no, not the Easy-Bake-Oven!

Speaker A

- Oh, it's the Easy-Bake-Oven for you! - [Security Guard] Hey, what's going on here?

Speaker A

- Nothin', I'm just asking a question. - Don't I know your face? Ain't you been told not to hang around this mall?

Speaker A

- I'm just takin' the kid to see the Santa movie. - Yeah, you're coming with me.

Speaker A

Yeah? What's going on at Toy Zone? Ah shit. You kids get outta here! (suspenseful music) - Don't do it.

Speaker A

Two doors, not one. - I'm sorry, Hannah, I thought I could get us in.

Speaker A

I would've shelled out for the tickets, I'm little low on funds at the moment.

Speaker A

I thought my old jalopy weren't gonna make it all the way to California, so I sunk a grand into it.

Speaker A

Look, don't tell your sister I got no dough, she'll lose respect for me. Hey, what's shakin', Banana, you okay?

Speaker A

- Bad place, Black and White. - Look, I know you're nervous to leave home.

Speaker A

But you gotta trust me, it's gonna be so much better for you once you're outta there.

Speaker A

And hey, maybe once you're gone, maybe then your mom will realize, "Hey, I gotta do better." Do you trust your sister, Hannah?

Speaker A

- Uh-huh. - And do you believe no matter how bad it looks right now, things will get better.

Speaker A

- Not better, badder, much badder. - Hey, what's with that grammar? Even I know it's more bad.

Speaker A

- [Man] Okay, shut up! (people clamoring) - What the hell is that? (intense music) I think we better split, Banana.

Speaker A

Hey, are you okay? - [Man] I'm okay! (fists thudding) - Hannah, get out of here, the play-place by Marshalls, get in the kiddie-tunnel.

Speaker A

(people grunting) - He doesn't even have a doll, what a waste of time! - She's got a doll!

Speaker A

- [Tom] Don't you touch her! (Tom grunts) (man squeals) - Thank you, Tom, I don't know what-- - Oh, wait, Ethan.

Speaker A

- Lex, I'll get you to California, Lex. Then you don't gotta cry so much no more.

Speaker A

- He's dead, we've gotta get out of the mall, Tom. - I am not leaving here without a Wiggly!

Speaker A

(intense music) - Give me the fucking doll, I'm in a hurry! - Tom, he's got a knife!

Speaker A

(Tom groans) Tom! - Aye, yummy, yeah! - Oh, Tom, oh, Tom. - Oh, Christ, Christ in Heaven, it's madness in here, Gerald, madness!

Speaker A

What, no, I'm not frightened, I'm annoyed. Because some asshole took my doll. And and I had a hair appointment today! (crying) - Well, well, hello, naughty list.

Speaker A

How you doin' there, Linda? - Stay back, whoever you are, I have pepper spray, and I use it more than you could ever imagine.

Speaker A

- (laughs) Oh, I don't know if you wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna, wanna fuck with me, Miss Monroe.

Speaker A

I was a colonel once, and your pepper spray is right here. - What, how did you?

Speaker A

- Oh, don't you worry about that now, Linda. - How do you know my name?

Speaker A

- Well, I know a whole heap about you. And this town, ooh, Hatchetfield, sure is a special place, you understand?

Speaker A

And you, little lady, are the most special person in it. - I know that, what do you want from me?

Speaker A

- Well, I wanna give you everything you ever desired. You see, I know why you want those Wiggly dolls.

Speaker A

It's the same reason only two of your four children are from Gerald. You keep looking for it in the arms of other men or in the smiles of your ungrateful, little brats.

Speaker A

But you have been cruelly denied it, Linda. Go on, say what it is. - I want what everybody wants, to be loved.

Speaker A

Is that a crime? - Oh, Linda, that's the kinda bullshit you feed to your therapist and your life coach.

Speaker A

Come on now, we all know that love is highly overrated. It's a two-way street, you gotta give a little up yourself.

Speaker A

But why should you give when you can get? No, no, no, Linda, you wanna be...

Speaker A

Adored. Worshiped. And I can help make that happen. All you gotta do is just do what you do best.

Speaker A

- Shop. - Be a mother. - Right, right, I'm a fabulous mother. - Linda, you were chosen long ago to bring about the birth of a friendy-wend of mine.

Speaker A

All you gotta do is open your heart up to his love. - What are you doing?

Speaker A

- Do you see him, do you see him, do you see him? (eerie music) Do you see him, do you see him?

Speaker A

- [Linda] Yes, I fucking see him! (TV beeping) - This is Carl Mason coming to you live from New York with continuing coverage of what's already being called The Black Friday from Hell.

Speaker A

From the Mall of America, to Macy's Herald Square, reports are flooding in of violent riots breaking out at retailers of all sizes.

Speaker A

With mayors and governors pleading to the federal government for aide, speculation swirls as to whether or not President Howard Goodman will declare a national state of emergency.

Speaker A

- Can someone tell me what the hell is happening out there? For God's sake, the country is coming apart at the seams!

Speaker A

- It's a goddamn uprising is what it is! It could be anarchists, terrorists, socialists!

Speaker A

Give me two hours, Mr. President! I'll organize a series of drone strikes against the key instigators of this revolt.

Speaker A

- No, Mr. President, these riots are not ideologically motivated, make no mistake. This is shopper mania, and a fuck ton of it.

Speaker A

- Now, I know this may sound hard to believe, but it seems what these people are rioting over is a doll.

Speaker A

- A doll, Bob, are you serious? People are killing each other for a toy?

Speaker A

- Yes, Mr. President. This toy, it's called a Tickle-Me Wiggly. - No, no, this can't be happening.

Speaker A

We beat the the Nazis and Communists, and now people are cannibalizing each other over some fucking weird little monster?

Speaker A

I mean, I admit, he is cute. And I'll come right out and say it, he has a fuzzy tummy.

Speaker A

And I wouldn't mind tickling that little belly-well. In fact, Morris, why don't you, uh-- hand him here?

Speaker A

- Why? - I need to understand what we're dealing with here, and the only way I can do that is if I hold him in my arms.

Speaker A

- No, no, no, no, no, Mr. President, I'm the Secretary of Defense. It's my job to protect the country and you.

Speaker A

I'll hold onto the little whipper-snapper. - Like hell you will. - That is enough, enough, enough!

Speaker A

One of my political heroes has always been John F. Kennedy. He saved this country from the Cuban Missile Crisis by keeping a cool head, that is what we need now, fellas, cool heads.

Speaker A

So while you three device a strategy, I'll hold onto the Wiggly. - Shut the fuck up.

Speaker A

Morris, I am the goddamn President of the United States of America and I order you to hand me that fucking doll!

Speaker A

- No, you're nothing more than a Harvard Law School, community-organizing prick! Take one step closer to my friendy-wend, and I'll rip your fucking throat out with my teeth!

Speaker A

- He's not your friendy-wend, he's mine! I'm gonna tickle that doll! - No, he's mine!

Speaker A

Back off or I will send a laser-guided, ballistic missile to your house in Denver!

Speaker A

You'll be scraping off what's left of your kids off the fuckin' pavement! - Morris, give me that cock-suckin', motherfuckin', cock-a-doodle doll!

Speaker A

(all screaming) (gun fires) (people screaming) - Uh, oh my God, Morris, are you all right?

Speaker A

- Oh, I think I'm gonna vomit. - I almost killed you, Mr. President. - I don't know what came over me.

Speaker A

- I do. - Sorry for the intrusion, Mr. President. Hope you don't mind if I let myself in.

Speaker A

- Into the Oval Office, who the hell are you? - My name is General John McNamara of the United States Military.

Speaker A

(audience cheering) Special unit P.E.I.P. We call it peep. - Peep? I've never heard of you guys.

Speaker A

- Well, we're a fairly small team, just me and a few of my peeps.

Speaker A

That was a joke, sir. Our department handles crises of a certain nature. Situations not unlike what we have here on this Black Friday.

Speaker A

- What do you mean certain situations? - Mr. President, behind the veil of the universe you perceive, are entities both ageless and fowl, and these eldritch forces are rising.

Speaker A

There is a creature at work here. One with designs on humanity far worse than any nightmare we can comprehend, and he is marshaling his power.

Speaker A

Mr. President, if humanity is is going to have any hope for survival, you're going to have to come with me.

Speaker A

- Where? - To borrow an expression, we're stepping out of the blue and into the black.

Speaker A

♪ Sometimes you gotta wake ♪ ♪ Answer the call or fall ♪ ♪ No need to raise the stakes ♪ ♪ When you're on the wall ♪ ♪ Stand tall ♪ ♪ Sometimes you gotta fill your chest ♪

Speaker A

♪ Sometimes you gotta slow your breath ♪ ♪ Sometimes you gotta step into the black and white ♪ ♪ And face the thing you dread ♪ ♪ Sometimes you gotta stand on up ♪ ♪ Sometimes you gotta make your case ♪

Speaker A

♪ You gotta step into the Black and White ♪ ♪ And needle that thread ♪ ♪ And there are monsters and there are men ♪ ♪ There are monsters that live in your head ♪ ♪ There are monsters that we all should dread ♪

Speaker A

♪ So join the fight ♪ ♪ And try your might ♪ ♪ Step in the black and white ♪ ♪ There are forces in this world ♪ ♪ That mean you real harm ♪ ♪ If your soul is unarmed ♪

Speaker A

♪ It is nothing on your phone ♪ ♪ We need every hand ♪ ♪ For a scrum that's undermanned ♪ ♪ The truly good versus the truly bad ♪ ♪ Ha, you better learn to discern it quickly, boys ♪

Speaker A

♪ It's the only chance we have ♪ ♪ You better align your soul ♪ ♪ With what's good and right ♪ ♪ Join the only fight that's left ♪ ♪ And scour the black and white ♪ ♪ Oh, there are monsters and there are men ♪

Speaker A

♪ There are are the monsters that live in your head ♪ ♪ It is the monsters who should live in dread ♪ ♪ And fear our might ♪ ♪ Join the fight ♪ ♪ Into the black and white ♪

Speaker A

- So we're not exactly dealing with terrorists here. - Not exactly. - What do you want from me?

Speaker A

♪ Look me in the eye now, sir ♪ ♪ And make a solemn vow ♪ ♪ To become your best self now ♪ ♪ I know our opponent, sir ♪ ♪ Requires nothing less ♪ ♪ Than your absolute best ♪

Speaker A

♪ I know it's hard ♪ ♪ The world is pain and distraction ♪ ♪ But there's occasions met by lesser men ♪ ♪ Who took the leap ♪ ♪ It must be you ♪ ♪ It must be me ♪

Speaker A

♪ Never take your office lightly ♪ ♪ Never take my office lightly ♪ ♪ You must fill your heart ♪ ♪ Make good with god immediately ♪ ♪ There are monsters and there are men ♪ ♪ There are the monsters that live in your head ♪

Speaker A

♪ It is the monsters who shall live in dread ♪ ♪ So join the fight ♪ ♪ Against the real plight ♪ ♪ When monsters are real ♪ ♪ You better forge a heart of steal ♪ ♪ To cast the darkness from light ♪

Speaker A

♪ You better step ♪ ♪ Into the Black and White ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪

Speaker A

♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ Jingle Jangle Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ Ring a ling ding ♪ ♪ When the bells ring ♪ ♪ It's only a matter of time till Christmas break ♪ ♪ Hallelu-Hallelu-Hallelu-Hallelujah! ♪

Speaker A

♪ Candy canes in my bag ♪ ♪ In the school yard ♪ ♪ My mom is bringing my sled ♪ ♪ When the clock strikes three ♪ ♪ See you at the rink ♪ ♪ And I'll ice up my skates ♪

Speaker A

♪ Can't wait ♪ ♪ Deck the halls on high ♪ ♪ Deck up Northville high school ♪ ♪ Carol in the halls ♪ ♪ Rising with the tide yule ♪ ♪ Orient like kings, see what winter brings ♪

Speaker A

♪ For your Northville Mistletoe ♪ ♪ Spread the Christmas cheer ♪ ♪ Rock that Northville spirit ♪ ♪ Ditch that lump of coal ♪ ♪ Push it to the limit ♪ ♪ Pumpkin spice for days ♪ ♪ Fill those cookie trays up ♪

Speaker A

♪ And pass Chris Kringle the ball ♪ ♪ Deck the halls of Northville High ♪ ♪ 'Tis the season for rocking and rollin' ♪ ♪ And we'll beat South Heights ♪ ♪ 'Cause they're naughty not nice ♪ ♪ And we'll dunk and spike their egg nog ♪

Speaker A

♪ Jingle jangle, hey Chris Kringle ♪ ♪ Got ice in his veins for a reason ♪ ♪ And we'll beat South Heights when the Mistletoe bites ♪ ♪ With our secret Santa swap ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la la la la ♪

Speaker A

- Christopher Kringle, report to the principal's office immediately! - Oh man, Mr. Humbugger, I'm in trouble now.

Speaker A

- You bet you are! - Jingle, Jangle, if anyone sees two elves in my locker, I'll get expelled for sure!

Speaker A

What are you two doin' here? - We're here to make sure you don't screw up Christmas, boss!

Speaker A

- That's right! - Hey, Chris. - Noel! - Were you just talking to your locker?

Speaker A

- Don't worry, boss, she can't see us. But if she finds out you're Santa, Father Winter's spell will be broken!

Speaker A

- That's right! ♪ Northville High School ♪ ♪ Got you cold ♪ ♪ We will rock you ♪ ♪ Under the mistletoe ♪ ♪ Seniors heard on high ♪ ♪ Sleigh'in Northville high school ♪ ♪ O'er the fields we go ♪

Speaker A

♪ Rising with the tide yule ♪ ♪ Orient like kings, see what winter brings ♪ ♪ For your Northville Mistletoe! ♪ ♪ Spread the Christmas cheer ♪ ♪ Rock that Northville spirit ♪ ♪ Ditch that lump of coal ♪

Speaker A

♪ Push it to the limit ♪ ♪ Pumpkin spice for days ♪ ♪ Fill those cookie trays up ♪ ♪ And pass Chris Kringle the ball ♪ ♪ Deck the halls of Northville High ♪ ♪ 'Tis the season for rocking and rollin' ♪

Speaker A

♪ And we'll beat South Heights ♪ ♪ 'Cause they're naughty not nice ♪ ♪ And we'll dunk and spike their egg nog ♪ ♪ Jingle jangle, hey Chris Kringle ♪ ♪ Got ice in his veins for a reason ♪

Speaker A

♪ And we'll beat South Heights when the Mistletoe bites ♪ ♪ With our secret Santa swap ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la la la la ♪ ♪ Deck the halls of Northville high school ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la la la la ♪

Speaker A

♪ Deck the halls on high ♪ ♪ Deck up Northville high school ♪ ♪ Carolin' the halls ♪ ♪ Rising with the tide yule ♪ ♪ Orient like kings, see what winter brings ♪ ♪ Jingle Jangle ♪ ♪ And pass Chris Kringle the ball ♪

Speaker A

♪ Yeah ♪ (audience cheering) (audience laughing) - What the fuck am I watching? - Careful, Tom, you don't wanna rip the stitches.

Speaker A

We're in the Cineplex, you were stabbed. I found a first aid kit in the box office.

Speaker A

I patched you up as best I could. - What is this? - It's a movie, "Santa Claus Is Goin' To High School." - What's it about?

Speaker A

- I don't know. All the kids in the world are on the Naughty List.

Speaker A

Santa figures he's out of touch so he turns into a teenager so he can reconnect with the youth?

Speaker A

Or spy on them? - How is it? - It's not good, Tom. - No, no, no, I was talking about the movie.

Speaker A

- So was I, it's real bad. But you'll be all right, the knife missed your vital organs.

Speaker A

- I guess it's my lucky day. - Here, lemme help you. - [Noel] There's something funny about you, Mr. Kringle.

Speaker A

I wanna know how you made ice appear on the gym floor to make those bullies slip into the dumpster.

Speaker A

- You know, I haven't been to the Cineplex in years. - Neither have I, Stanley used to say going to the movies was a waste of money.

Speaker A

Huh, I didn't even realize. I was just trying to find someplace safe and I dragged us to our old seats.

Speaker A

Must've been second nature. - No kidding. - Yeah, look, G seven and eight. - Wait, I wonder if it's still here, yeah, Becky, look, you remember when we carved that?

Speaker A

- Yeah, it's a penis. - Hey, yeah, well, we were kids. If I could go back, I'd carve somethin' nice.

Speaker A

- Yeah, like T & B 4ever. Well, we thought it'd be forever. - [Chris] Oh, you wouldn't believe me even if I told you.

Speaker A

- [Noel] Oh yeah, try me. - [Chris] Noel, I'm Santa Claus. - What's going on out there?

Speaker A

- Well, the people who got dolls ran. The people who didn't are still in the mall.

Speaker A

They're organizing, they blocked off all the exits. They're convinced there are more dolls in here somewhere.

Speaker A

- Are there? - I don't know, Tom. - Well, if there's even one Wiggly left, I'm gonna find it.

Speaker A

- Tom, no. - You said I'll be fine. - Yeah, but-- - Becky, please!

Speaker A

I'm sorry. It's just, the night Jane died, I was driving. If she'd been driving, she would've seen the other car sliding into the intersection.

Speaker A

And she would've stopped. It's my fault. It's my fault she's dead. I killed my family.

Speaker A

- Remember us in high school? The quarterback and the cheer captain. We were insatiable.

Speaker A

When you shipped out, I thought I'd wait for you, then I met Stanley. At first he was so cool, he bought us booze and cigarettes.

Speaker A

He had a car and his own apartment. We were kinda going together for about five months when I'm at the lake with some my friends.

Speaker A

I'm flirting with some guy, you know, a little buzzed. Then Stanley's car comes driving onto the beach and he grabs this poor boy and just beats the shit out of him.

Speaker A

Then he tells me to get in. After that, I didn't go to anymore parties.

Speaker A

Stanley was a bad, bad man. People think he left me for some woman in Clivesdale.

Speaker A

But that's not the truth. Last year, when your wife passed, I was thinking of going to the funeral.

Speaker A

Stanley said he'd rather see me dead than hanging around Tom Houston again. Something about that woke something up inside of me.

Speaker A

Because when we went our separate ways, it was fine because it was us, but who was he to keep us apart?

Speaker A

So that night, I fought back. He chased me out of the house and into the woods.

Speaker A

He was the one who brought the knife It's funny, Stanley's the one that made me go to nursing school.

Speaker A

That's why I knew where his femoral artery was. Not sure if I hit it, but I left him out there.

Speaker A

Maybe he crawled somewhere for help, maybe he died in those woods. You say you killed your family?

Speaker A

I hope I killed mine. So, Tom, you've got to forgive yourself. 'Cause if you don't, how's anyone ever gonna forgive me?

Speaker A

- Becky Barnes. ♪ You look just the same ♪ ♪ As I always remember ♪ ♪ All those Friday nights, under the lights ♪ ♪ Under the bleachers together ♪ ♪ You and I were meant to be ♪

Speaker A

♪ Something more than a faded memory ♪ ♪ Till you and I, something divided us ♪ ♪ If the universe is infinite ♪ ♪ Then it's definite ♪ ♪ There's an alternate reality ♪ ♪ Where we're now a family ♪

Speaker A

♪ Take me back in time to love you ♪ ♪ Take me back when we were lost ♪ ♪ Lost in love and lost in feeling ♪ ♪ Without the cost ♪ ♪ Take me back in time to high school ♪

Speaker A

♪ Take me back when things were light ♪ ♪ Light my heart and light my shadow ♪ ♪ To make it all right ♪ ♪ 'Cause I already lost it once ♪ ♪ What I already won ♪ ♪ You don't look the same ♪

Speaker A

♪ At all as I remember ♪ ♪ The light has left your eyes ♪ ♪ Something has changed ♪ ♪ Then, you were way more put together ♪ ♪ But I remember something ♪ ♪ Someone asked me back in school ♪

Speaker A

♪ Tom, if you asked me, I'd still go to prom with you ♪ ♪ The universe is infinite ♪ ♪ And it's definite ♪ ♪ There's an alternate reality ♪ ♪ Where it's only you and me ♪ ♪ Take me back in time to love you ♪

Speaker A

♪ Hold me closer than before ♪ ♪ Feel my heart and mend what's broken ♪ ♪ To feel you once more ♪ ♪ Take me back in time to high school ♪ ♪ Take me back when things were light ♪

Speaker A

♪ Light my heart and light my shadow ♪ ♪ For one more night ♪ ♪ One more night ♪ ♪ 'Cause I already lost it once ♪ ♪ What I'd already won ♪ ♪ I've lost too much now to care ♪

Speaker A

♪ But I know that something's still there ♪ ♪ I'll never let you go ♪ ♪ I'll never let you go ♪ ♪ I'll never let you go now ♪ ♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪

Speaker A

♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪ ♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪ ♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪ ♪ In time to love you ♪

Speaker A

♪ Gotta take me back in time ♪ ♪ Just take me back ♪ ♪ Gotta take me back ♪ (audience cheering) ♪ In time to love you ♪ ♪ Hold me closer than before ♪ ♪ Heal my heart and mend what's broken ♪

Speaker A

♪ To feel you once more ♪ ♪ Feel you once more ♪ ♪ Take me back in time to high school ♪ ♪ Take me back ♪ ♪ When things were light ♪ ♪ Take me back in time ♪

Speaker A

♪ Light my heart and light my shadow ♪ ♪ To make it all right ♪ ♪ Make it all right ♪ ♪ All right ♪ (audience cheering) - If you're really Santa, tell me something only Santa would know.

Speaker A

Tell me what I asked for for Christmas when I was seven years old. - Noel, I can't.

Speaker A

- I knew it, I knew you weren't Santa. - A red tricycle. - Santa!

Speaker A

(audience cheering) - This is the best movie ever! - Paranormal, Extraterrestrial, Inter-dimensional Phenomena. That is the purview of our organization, Mr. President, welcome to P.E.I.P. HQ.

Speaker A

- Okay, okay. So I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this. So you're telling me that there's another dimension?

Speaker A

- There are many dimensions, Mr. President. What concerns us today is a place outside all dimensions.

Speaker A

A swirling sea of psychic energy we call the Black and White. The current ruler of this realm is an entity we've known of for 13 years, but has only now revealed his name, Wiggly.

Speaker A

- The doll? - The doll's only part of it. What, you don't remember your Catechism class?

Speaker A

The father's the son, the son's the father. Wiggly rules on high in the Black and White, but he also is the dolls.

Speaker A

Bet you didn't guess the, uh, Lord of Despair would be so cute and cuddly, did you?

Speaker A

- Xander Lee, theoretical physicist. - Physicist, is that like a scientist? - Yes, he's also the best damn field agent I've ever worked with.

Speaker A

- Field agent, is that like a soldier? Sorry, I'm really lost here. Okay, so Wiggly, he makes people go crazy.

Speaker A

Why, what does he want? - Howie, can I call you Howie? Howie, listen, Wiggly wants us, he wants everything.

Speaker A

He is a-knockin' and he wants in. - 13 years ago, P.E.I.P. constructed a portal, a portal connecting our reality to the Black and White.

Speaker A

My mentor, Wilbur Cross, stepped through that portal and came out a raving lunatic. He pledged his undying loyalty to the forces within and disappeared soon after.

Speaker A

- That's heavy. - Today, we wanna send you through that portal. (audience laughing) - Me?

Speaker A

- You are the democratically elected representative of the United States of America, and you must negotiate a peace with Wiggly.

Speaker A

- You wanna send me to the Twilight Zone to have a sit-down with the devil?

Speaker A

Fuck that, fuck that, fuck that. That's all folks! - Howie, listen, these riots are just the beginning.

Speaker A

Right now, Wiggly is culling the wheat from the chaff. And when the only people left are his most devout followers, they will build him his birth canal.

Speaker A

- A portal much more powerful than ours. A portal large enough for Wiggly himself to cross through.

Speaker A

And when he does, he will remake creation to his liking. In short, Mr. President, we are trying to stop the birth of a god.

Speaker A

(suspenseful music) - Friends, neighbors, fellow citizens of Hatchetfield, my name is Sherman Young! 168 hours ago, I came to this mall to wait in line for a Wiggly.

Speaker A

Throughout that time, I ate nothing but snacks packed in a cooler by my mother.

Speaker A

And defecated into a bucket all so that I would not lose my place in line.

Speaker A

If all had gone as went, I would now be the proud owner of 850 dolls.

Speaker A

But after today's Great Battle, I stand here, like you, empty handed. And yet, my heart swells with humility and joy!

Speaker A

I came here in search of a doll, but what I found was something far greater.

Speaker A

Faith in the One True God, all hail Wiggly! - Wiggly is good! - Wiggly is just!

Speaker A

- If we have faith, we will be rewarded with a cuddly doll! - Yes, brothers and sisters, we have seized control of Lakeside Mall, let it be a new Jerusalem!

Speaker A

And from it, we shall march forth, and conquer the Earth, all hail Wiggly! - Wiggly, Wiggly, Wiggly!

Speaker A

- Yes, now bring forth the infidels! - Let me go, you nut-bags, you crazies!

Speaker A

- Frank, if anything happens to my sister, I swear to God-- - [Sherman] Silence, heathens!

Speaker A

- Kill them! - Fucking kill them! - No, no friendy-wends, they face not your judgment but that of she ordained by the highest god!

Speaker A

The prophet, the mother, mommy! - Mother, mother, mother! (audience cheering) - Yes, they're talking about me, Gerald.

Speaker A

I dislike that word, Gerald, cult. No, it's a new and exciting religion that I started.

Speaker A

Well, yes, of course you can come inside and support me. But before you do, you should know my first act as divine prophet was to set fire to the Cinnabon as a sacrifice to a Dark God!

Speaker A

Oh, now you'd rather stay outside and keep the car warm! Hold on. (angelic music) Yes, I am the divine prophet.

Speaker A

I have gazed in to the face of God. He has chosen me to usher in his reign and give him life.

Speaker A

But how, Lord, how? Your voice is so far away, I cannot hear it. I need a vessel filled with your essence.

Speaker A

To guide your people, to let your will be known! I need a Wiggly doll, ideally four of them.

Speaker A

- Listen, lady, you want a Wiggly doll? I can get you a Wiggly doll, straight from manufacturer, at wholesale prices!

Speaker A

- (laughs) We have no need for your manufacturers. Because, brothers and sisters, there is still one Wiggly left in this mall, I can feel it.

Speaker A

The only hope for extending your worthless life is to tell me, where is that doll?

Speaker A

- I don't know. You saw it yourself, you animals took 'em all! Please let me go, for the love of God!

Speaker A

- I've met God, he had nothing nice to say about you. (knife slices) (Frank moaning) - Franks, Frank!

Speaker A

- You listen to me, you little tramp. Now I know you know where that Wiggly is.

Speaker A

I can smell him on you. It's perfume to that trailer-trash stench. - I have no idea what you're talking about.

Speaker A

You people are so fucked up. - She has the lying tongue of a snake!

Speaker A

I've seen it, brothers and sisters, on this security camera footage. This witch stole a Wiggly doll, and put it in the backpack of a little girl with pigtails and a baseball cap.

Speaker A

- No, no, no, please, don't hurt my sister Hannah, please! - This little girl stands between you and your God!

Speaker A

Sally forth, in the name of Wiggly! Bring me the child! ♪ As the pillar of the community ♪ ♪ We can agree I'm a bit of a mensch ♪ ♪ It gets exhausting everyone looking at me ♪ ♪ Jealousy has a bit of a stench ♪

Speaker A

♪ But now I see the light before me ♪ ♪ It's a tunnel vision opportunity ♪ ♪ To coax your love ♪ ♪ To break your cold hearts down ♪ ♪ You will adore me ♪ ♪ I just know ♪

Speaker A

♪ You'll kneel before me ♪ ♪ Kiss my toe ♪ ♪ I demand your love and worship too ♪ ♪ If I don't get it, I will end you ♪ ♪ 'Cause I will be adored ♪ ♪ Why should you give ♪

Speaker A

♪ When you can get ♪ ♪ Never forgive ♪ ♪ Never forget ♪ ♪ You better adore me ♪ ♪ Take what you want ♪ ♪ Return what you get ♪ ♪ No matter the cost ♪ ♪ Idle the threat ♪

Speaker A

♪ I will destroy everything ♪ ♪ And then I will destroy everything ♪ ♪ I guarantee I'll destroy everything in my path ♪ ♪ Unless I get what, shit, it's Gerald, hold oN ♪ ♪ I will destroy everything ♪

Speaker A

- All right, keep going, just don't say the shit part, that wasn't it. Don't say the shit part.

Speaker A

♪ I'll destroy everything in my path ♪ ♪ Unless I get what I, shit ♪ - No, no, guys, while I don't want you to think for yourselves, I still want you to know what I mean when I say my evil shit, 'kay?

Speaker A

♪ You will adore me ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ You'll kneel before me ♪ ♪ I demand your love and worship too ♪ ♪ If I don't get it, I will yell ♪ ♪ 'Cause I will be adored ♪

Speaker A

♪ Why should you give ♪ ♪ When you can get? ♪ ♪ Never forgive or forget ♪ (audience cheering) - [Lex] No, Hannah, Hannah!

Speaker A

- Lexi! - Hannah, Hannah. Hannah. - Webby, I'm scared. - What's shakin', Banana? - Ethan?

Speaker A

- Who else? Don't be scared, Hannah, it's safe to come out now. Do I gotta put a leash on you?

Speaker A

- No, Webby says you died. - (laughs) I did. - Huh? - Aw, don't be so mushy, Banana, dying ain't so bad.

Speaker A

I'm in the Black and White now, it's real nice. It's just like California, it never rains!

Speaker A

- Not Ethan, liar, bad double! - You know they're coming for you, Hannah. There's only one thing you can do.

Speaker A

You've gotta give that doll to a woman in a black cape. She's real nice, I swear on my own grave!

Speaker A

- Not Ethan. It's you! - Hello, Hannah, let's be paly-wals. Don't you want to tickle my tumsywumsy?

Speaker A

- No, Webby says you're bad, she said you'd try to tick me. - Well, Webby is a stupid bitch.

Speaker A

You could've served me willingly, but you're being a rotten, little banana. I'm going to have to peel you.

Speaker A

I'm going to split you in two. I'm going to eat you, Hannah. I'm going to eat you right the fuck up!

Speaker A

- No! - Careful, Tom, those maniacs could be anywhere. - Look, Becky, about what we just did-- - Tom, look, it's a little girl!

Speaker A

And she's got a Wiggly doll. - Don't listen to him, he's bad, he'll trick you!

Speaker A

- Aw, don't worry, kid, we don't get tricked. We're grownups. - You can trust us, we're good people.

Speaker A

Whoa, whoa, wait, where you goin', sweetheart? - California. - (gasps) Did you hear that, Becky?

Speaker A

She's goin' to California! - Land of Hollywood and movie stars! - But that's an awful long way to go, and that doll looks real heavy.

Speaker A

Why don't you hand it over? - Uh-uh. - Why are you backin' away from me, kid?

Speaker A

I'm not gonna hurt you. Listen, I've been through hell today tryin' to get one of those dolls for my son.

Speaker A

He's about your age. And I'd do anything for him, any goddamn thing. Even if it means pounding the guts outta some little twerp, now gimme that fuckin' doll!

Speaker A

- No, no, no, no! - Tom, how could you? You let her get away!

Speaker A

You really are a fucking idiot, aren't you? - Well, I didn't see you coming up with any bright ideas, cheer captain!

Speaker A

- You don't scream at a child, it frightens them. You lure them in delicately and you put them to sleep.

Speaker A

- Yeah, smart. - Little girl, sweetheart, California. ♪ Do you want to play with me ♪ ♪ Lovely girl, lovely girl ♪ ♪ Do you want some candy ♪ ♪ My lovely girl ♪ ♪ My lovely girl ♪

Speaker A

♪ Let's play some games ♪ ♪ Let's play some games today ♪ ♪ Funny games ♪ ♪ Some funny games today ♪ - [Tom] Becky, over there!

Speaker A

♪ Do you want to play with me ♪ ♪ Come here, come here ♪ ♪ Lovely girl, lovely girl ♪ ♪ Come here now ♪ ♪ Do you want some candy ♪ ♪ Come here, my girl ♪ ♪ My lovely girl, my lovely girl ♪

Speaker A

♪ I want to come here so we can play ♪ ♪ Let's play some games ♪ ♪ Let's play some games today ♪ ♪ Funny games ♪ ♪ Some funny games today ♪ - Hahaha, I got her, Becky, I've got her!

Speaker A

- Hold her still. Oh shit, this is my leg. - No, no, no! - Oh, I've got it.

Speaker A

I'm gonna tickle your bellywell. - [Wiggly] (giggles) That tickles. - Hey, Tom, half of that is mine.

Speaker A

- I'm sorry, babe, no dice. But don't worry, we'll get you another one later.

Speaker A

Right now, I think you need a nap. - You bastard. - She's heavy! - Look, in the food court, the little girl with the backpack.

Speaker A

And who is this? - Her protector. - Another heathen, no doubt, bring her as well!

Speaker A

The prophet shall bathe in the blood of the unfaithful! Joyous day! (suspenseful music) (audience laughing) - All right, Mr. President, beginning inter-dimensional convergence with the Black and White.

Speaker A

- I don't know about this, John. Foreign policy was never my strong suit. - We're not sending you in there half-cocked, sir.

Speaker A

We have a hydrogen bomb ready to deploy into the Black and White if need be.

Speaker A

- Oh god, I feel like I'm gonna puke. - Mr. President, the greatest strategic value of nuclear weapons has always been deterrence.

Speaker A

Wiggly is a being who has never contemplated his own annihilation. If threatened with such, he may retreat from our reality.

Speaker A

Good luck and godspeed. (machine whirring) - Breathe, breathe, breathe. - [John] Mr. President, do you copy?

Speaker A

- Yeah, John, I hear ya. - [John] What do you see? - I see blackness, endless blackness.

Speaker A

Hello hello? My name is Howard Goodman. I'm President of the United States of America, Earth.

Speaker A

I demand to speak to the entity known as Wiggly. There's nothing here. - [Man] Howie, Howie.

Speaker A

- Hello? - [Man] Howie. - For God's sake, what do you want? - [John] Calm down, Mr. President, you have to-- - No, John, I can't hear you!

Speaker A

Can anyone hear me? (audience laughing) - How you doing there, Howie? - Who are you?

Speaker A

- Do you know why it had to be a doll? (apple crunches) It all boils down to belief, it's a powerful thing.

Speaker A

You see, people don't believe in governments anymore. No matter who the masses vote for, they always get the same thing.

Speaker A

The poorer get poorer, and the rich, well, they just get richer. Swamped in student debt, credit card debt, medical bills, the people have been abandoned by everything!

Speaker A

Everything except products. (laughs) That's the only comfort they have left! And you, the President of the United States, you were Wiggly's greatest ally!

Speaker A

- No, that's not true, I can't be evil. I'm a status quo Democrat! - [Xander] Mr. President, Howie, we're losing him!

Speaker A

- Xander, I know what must be done. - John, no, John, don't go in there!

Speaker A

- Only in American could Wiggly take root! Hold this. You think that in the Netherlands they'd give a shit about some toy?

Speaker A

No, they're too busy on their paid vacation, and the free healthcare! You empowered Wiggly, you invited him in!

Speaker A

And now you come into his house, to make demands of him? ♪ You thought that you could outsmart ♪ ♪ The very thing that runs ♪ ♪ Through blood of your kind ♪ ♪ Sick with greed and a lust ♪

Speaker A

♪ For that you will ♪ ♪ Give up your will ♪ ♪ And your pride ♪ ♪ You're looking to be saved ♪ ♪ No matter what you have raised ♪ ♪ Behold the depths of depravity 'n' decay ♪

Speaker A

♪ It's happened on your watch ♪ ♪ Your time is running out ♪ ♪ Before the worlds collide ♪ ♪ You went and opened the box ♪ ♪ And then He came ♪ ♪ In a slick little package ♪

Speaker A

♪ And drove you insane ♪ ♪ Because your thirst for stuff is never slaked ♪ ♪ Now the end is nigh ♪ ♪ The apocalypse here ♪ ♪ In a package that's not what it appears ♪ ♪ You may ask why the doll ♪

Speaker A

♪ Well, that's all it takes ♪ ♪ When you're made in America ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ In a valley of silicon ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ Welcome to Wiggly's shop ♪ ♪ Your America Assembly line ♪ ♪ We got toys and trucks ♪

Speaker A

♪ And big fat butts ♪ ♪ That'll help you pass the time ♪ ♪ Hey kids ya know that you grow up ♪ ♪ With all the crap you want ♪ ♪ Just sprinkle it with dust and a gob of fucking lust ♪

Speaker A

♪ And you wave the world goodbye ♪ ♪ Wiggly Wiggly Wiggle Wiggly ♪ ♪ Wiggly Wiggly Wig ♪ ♪ Wiggly Wiggly Wiggle Wiggly ♪ ♪ Wiggly Wiggly Wig ♪ - Hello, Mr. Presi-wezz, welcome to Drowsy Town.

Speaker A

- It's you! - Don't be frightened, you're my bestest buddy-wud. - No, no, I've come to tell you to leave us alone!

Speaker A

- (laughs) Leave, just before Christmas? It's going to be my birthday, you know. I wouldn't want to miss out on opening all my presents.

Speaker A

I think I'll start with you. I'm going to cut open your belly-well, and deck the halls with your gutsy-wutsies!

Speaker A

- [John] Enough! (audience cheering) - [Howard] John! - [Wiggly] You. - Your minions may do me no harm, Wiggly, for I cut through them with a blade of truth.

Speaker A

Be gone. - I'm sorry, John, I fucked it up. - Don't worry, Mr. President, come on, let's get you out of here.

Speaker A

- It's too late, John! The Wiggly's prophet has been chosen, and as soon as she has a doll, she will bring about his birth!

Speaker A

♪ You opened the box ♪ ♪ A doll came out ♪ ♪ And he'll touchdown soon to erase any doubt ♪ ♪ That he's all you need to fill your heart ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ Now the end is nigh ♪

Speaker A

♪ The apocalypse here ♪ ♪ In a package that preys on the worst of your fears ♪ ♪ The gambit is done, a work of art ♪ ♪ That was Made in America ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ In a valley of silicon ♪

Speaker A

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ - There, the portal, you must go, Mr. President! Go now. - What about you?

Speaker A

- Return is no longer an option for me. Without a suit, my body has already begun to dematerialize.

Speaker A

My spirit will be absorbed into the Black and White. I'll do what I can from here, it's been an honor to serve.

Speaker A

- Sure. ♪ We're all Made In America ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ ♪ In a valley of silicon ♪ ♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪ (machine whirring) (Howard grunting) - Hey, hey, Howie, are you all right?

Speaker A

- There's no reasoning with that thing, deploy the nuke. Blow that bastard to kingdom come!

Speaker A

- What about John, he's still in there. - He's gone, we need to kill Wiggly now!

Speaker A

- Deploying the nuclear bomb! It is entering the Black and White. Detonation in five, four, three-- - Merry Christmas, mother-fucker.

Speaker A

- One. - Did it go off, where's the explosion? Shouldn't we be hearing an explosion?

Speaker A

- [Wiggly] Uh oh, Mr. Presi-wezz. It seems you've misplaced your bomby-wom. Don't worry, I'm sure it'll turn up somewhere.

Speaker A

- What, what does he mean? What do you mean, you son of a bitch?

Speaker A

- Mr. President, we've just received a message from the Pentagon. There's been an explosion on the Eurasian continent.

Speaker A

- What? - Moscow is gone, sir. - How, how? - Christ, the Russians had another portal.

Speaker A

- [Wiggly] I have friendy-wends all over the world. When my uncle Wiley told the Russians about America's new toy, they just had to have one of their own.

Speaker A

- He knew, he wanted us to send in the nuke. He took the bomb and pushed it through the Russians' portal.

Speaker A

He baited us into World War III! - (giggling) That tickles. - How could I have known?

Speaker A

How could I have I known there were was another portal? There was two doors, not one, two doors, not one!

Speaker A

Oh no! - Mr. President, we need to prepare for a counter-strike. We need to get you out of Washington and onboard Marine One.

Speaker A

- [Wiggly] Thank you so much for visiting my home, Mr. Presi-wezz, I can't wait to visit yours. (giggles) (suspenseful music) - End of the line, infidel, may your death throes echo through Drowsy Town to awaken the wiggly one.

Speaker A

- Come on, Sherman, it's me, Lex. I've seen you in Toy Zone every week for the past two years.

Speaker A

Haven't I always helped you out? - You're in retail, it's your job to help me.

Speaker A

- Well, it's not my job to do favors. Who set aside those ponies so you could get 'em before the little girls they were made for?

Speaker A

- You? - Yeah, and if you let me go, I'll help you again. - You have ponies?

Speaker A

- If you let me loose, I'll get you all the ponies your sick, little heart desires.

Speaker A

- Hm, I don't know if there are enough ponies in the world for that.

Speaker A

- Well, there are some extras in the store room. We were supposed to ship 'em back because the colors are messed up.

Speaker A

- One of a kind mispaints? You better not be fucking with me. - No, no, not to a loyal customer.

Speaker A

- Okay, take me to the ponies and I'll murder you later. - Okay, oh, thank you, Sherman.

Speaker A

And about those mispaints. I threw 'em in the fucking trash! (Sherman grunting) - When they mess up the colors, it makes them more valuable!

Speaker A

Those were collector's items and you killed the ponies! And now I'm going to kill you!

Speaker A

♪ Is this what I lived for ♪ ♪ To be choked in a toy store ♪ ♪ While staring into hell ♪ ♪ There's something that's beautiful ♪ ♪ Being awake for my funeral ♪ ♪ You can close the casket now ♪

Speaker A

♪ The plans for my father's hopeless seed ♪ ♪ Born into moral poverty ♪ ♪ Still, I wasn't the angel heaven sent ♪ ♪ To break through my cliched boundaries ♪ ♪ 'Cause Friday is black for me ♪

Speaker A

♪ The dreamer has dreamed her dream ♪ ♪ When Friday is black, there's no turning back ♪ ♪ 'Cause Friday is black for me ♪ ♪ Is there some lesson to learn ♪ ♪ Should I never have wanted ♪

Speaker A

♪ I never even got started ♪ ♪ Or were the decks always just this stacked ♪ ♪ I mean it's really a godsend ♪ ♪ Clear my plans for the weekend ♪ ♪ But there's nothing to subtract ♪

Speaker A

♪ I don't want your half-baked sympathy ♪ ♪ When did it save those in need ♪ ♪ Still, I thought that angels did exist ♪ ♪ But now I hope they plan to end it quick ♪ ♪ 'Cause Friday is black for me ♪

Speaker A

♪ Only my ashes will see the sea ♪ ♪ When Friday is black, there's no turning back ♪ ♪ 'Cause Friday is black for me ♪ ♪ At first I didn't know what she was to me ♪ ♪ At first I didn't know why I cared or why I wanted ♪

Speaker A

♪ To hold her and rock her to sleep ♪ ♪ Did I need her more than she needed me ♪ ♪ Maybe I'm wrong, she can go on her own ♪ ♪ 'Cause I'm leaving ♪ ♪ 'Cause Friday is black for me ♪

Speaker A

♪ Only my ashes will see the sea ♪ ♪ When Friday is black, there's no turning back ♪ ♪ 'Cause Friday is black ♪ (Lex choking) - You're not dead yet.

Speaker A

- What, what. - Alexandra Foster, my name is General John MacNamara. And I'm going to help you through this.

Speaker A

First, you need to subdue your assailant. I'm authorizing you to use my firearm. (audience cheering) - I can't reach it.

Speaker A

- Yes, you can, your sister has a power and so do you. Reach into the Black and White.

Speaker A

You must manifest this weapon in your reality. ♪ Look me in the eye now, Lex ♪ ♪ And make a solemn vow ♪ ♪ To become your best self now ♪ ♪ That time has arrived now, Lex ♪

Speaker A

♪ When your Friday's black ♪ ♪ It's time to lead the pack ♪ ♪ There are monsters and there are men ♪ ♪ I can show you the path but only you can walk it ♪ ♪ There are monsters that live in your head ♪

Speaker A

♪ If Wiggly is birthed who knows what we've unlocked ♪ ♪ They are the monsters that we all should dread ♪ ♪ Time has run out, what will you do ♪ - I'm going to kill you.

Speaker A

(gun fires) Where did that come from? - How? - Nice shot, Lex, but we're not through yet.

Speaker A

The leaders of your world are lost and helpless. You've been called to serve. If you can defeat Wiggly here in Hatchetfield, he can be defeated anywhere.

Speaker A

- What am I supposed to do? - Gather your forces. There is a warrior of light is trapped in a deep sleep.

Speaker A

Wake the warrior, kill the prophet, save the world. You're in P.E.I.P. now, Lex, get her done.

Speaker A

(eagle screeching) - All right, little buddy. Just gotta pass through this doorway and we're home free.

Speaker A

Oh, I hope they didn't tow my car, that'd be just my luck. - Mr. Houston!

Speaker A

- Leave me alone. - Mr. Houston, turn around. - What, are you gonna shoot me, Lex, or can I go home?

Speaker A

I've had shitty day, and I'd appreciate it if you got that goddamn gun outta my face.

Speaker A

- Mr. Houston, I need your help. But I need you to put down that doll.

Speaker A

- Why would I put him down, you only want him for yourself! - No, I don't.

Speaker A

- Too bad, Lex, I'm leavin' and I'm taking this doll to my son! - He doesn't want it!

Speaker A

- Of course he does, he wants it more than anything! - No, think about it.

Speaker A

Did Tim ever say he wants a Tickle-Me-Wiggly? - Well, he must've! We were trying to win one at Pizza Pete's.

Speaker A

Weren't we? No, he said it this morning. Why else would I be, I know that he wants it!

Speaker A

- Well, let me tell you something I know! I've been working at Toy Zone since I was 16.

Speaker A

I know what kids are like. When that Wiggly campaign came out, you know how many kids I got askin' about it?

Speaker A

None. Think about that line you stood in this morning. Did you see a single kid there?

Speaker A

- It's a school day. - It's Thanksgiving break. The thing about Wiggly that nobody's talkin' about is kids don't want that piece of shit.

Speaker A

- What? - They're all into Fortnite, dude. (audience laughing) I mean, my sister, Hannah, couldn't get further away from that thing.

Speaker A

Yeah, me and Ethan wanted a doll to sell! Whatever spell that doll casts, it doesn't work on kids.

Speaker A

And I think I know why. Mr. Houston, I know your wife died, and you're trying real hard to make up for it.

Speaker A

But that's something you want, not your son. You think Wiggly can fix this hole, but he can't, it's a trick.

Speaker A

That's how it works, he promises to fix all of the holes, but he doesn't.

Speaker A

And that's why it works on adults. Because you guys have more holes. You need more things and you need it harder.

Speaker A

You gotta worry about your loveless marriage, or the kids that are gonna hate you, or your endless mortgage.

Speaker A

I mean, you're, like, 40, you probably think your life is over! I don't, I'm gonna be an actress!

Speaker A

Do you get what I'm sayin,' Mr. Houston? Wiggly is a fuckin' lie, and I think you know it.

Speaker A

But I think you're scared, because if he's not the answer, then what is? ♪ What is this thing in my hand ♪ ♪ Doesn't breathe or understand ♪ ♪ The things I went through ♪ ♪ The things Tim went through for it ♪

Speaker A

♪ I submit ♪ ♪ The hell I've been thinking ♪ ♪ My heart is so empty ♪ ♪ Everyone's dying ♪ ♪ And that includes me too ♪ ♪ I was gone, long before you ♪ ♪ If I fail you one more time ♪

Speaker A

♪ The punishment won't match the crime ♪ ♪ 'Cause there's no pain that could ever explain ♪ ♪ How I let you down ♪ ♪ And If I fail you one more time ♪ ♪ The mountain I would have to climb ♪

Speaker A

♪ Is so high up that I would have to die ♪ ♪ Oh I ♪ ♪ I failed you once, and I will fail again ♪ ♪ Does he see a father ♪ ♪ Who doesn't even bother ♪

Speaker A

♪ To get to know him ♪ ♪ To really know his soul ♪ ♪ And his role ♪ ♪ Maybe he's happy ♪ ♪ I wouldn't have any idea ♪ ♪ Maybe the route ♪ ♪ Is simply in ending the drought ♪

Speaker A

♪ Why not find out ♪ ♪ If I fail you one more time ♪ ♪ Or if I fail to recognize ♪ ♪ What you need or when you need me ♪ ♪ To be around ♪ ♪ And if I fail you to hear your voice ♪

Speaker A

♪ Or if I make the easy choice ♪ ♪ The world would tear asunder drowning all ♪ ♪ Oh I ♪ ♪ I failed you once ♪ ♪ And I would fail again ♪ ♪ When I turned nine, we went to the 99 cent store ♪

Speaker A

♪ I wanted a pop gun that looked they used in the corps ♪ ♪ Knowing my dad, I knew the chance was slim ♪ ♪ He got me the cheaper dagger ♪ ♪ But deep down it didn't matter ♪

Speaker A

♪ I was with him ♪ ♪ Where's Tim ♪ ♪ She used to like bars ♪ ♪ She liked to loosen me up just to get at my heart ♪ ♪ She'd poke at each of my wounds to see what I'd say ♪

Speaker A

♪ And now she's doing the same ♪ ♪ And then flash ♪ ♪ And then flash ♪ ♪ If I fail you one more time ♪ ♪ The punishment won't match the crime ♪ ♪ 'Cause there's no pain that could ever explain ♪

Speaker A

♪ How I let you down ♪ ♪ And If I fail you one more time ♪ ♪ The mountain I would have to climb ♪ ♪ Is so high up that I would have to die ♪ ♪ Oh I ♪

Speaker A

♪ I failed you once ♪ ♪ But I won't fail again ♪ - [Wiggly] No, Tom, listen to me.

Speaker A

Tickle my belly-well, stay asleep, stay in Drowsy Town. - You're not that cute, are you?

Speaker A

In fact, you're real fuckin' ugly. (audience cheering) - He's gone, Lex, I think I'm awake.

Speaker A

But your sister and Becky, they took them. - To Linda, she's gonna kill them, Mr. Houston.

Speaker A

- No, she won't, we won't let her. Here, you're holding that wrong. (gun clicks) all right, let's go.

Speaker A

- Fuck yeah, should we move these boxes first? - Fuck yeah. (audience cheering) - Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig, Wiggly-wig Wiggly-wig Wiggly-wig Wiggly-wig Wiggly-wig Wiggly-wig!

Speaker A

- Yes, Gerald, I'm about to get the doll. Yes, they found the child. No, I'm not going to put you on speaker, Gerald.

Speaker A

No one wants to talk to you. Yes, bring the heretics to me! (laughs) Becky Barnes, why am I not surprised?

Speaker A

Of course I'd find you here clinging to your antiquated sense of justice. Protecting this child because you can't have any of your own.

Speaker A

Becky, wake up, belittling you isn't fun if you're not upset. Huh, she's drunk, again.

Speaker A

The only man that'll have her now is Jack Daniels. Ha, get her out of my sight!

Speaker A

And you, you little shit. For too long you have kept the shepherd from his flock.

Speaker A

- [Hannah] Uh, magic hat, nothing can hurt me. - (laughs) You little fool. You think this is going to protect you, a magic hat?

Speaker A

That's ridiculous, only dolls are magic! And I'll be taking mine, thank you very much. (giggles) What, is this some kind of a joke?

Speaker A

Where is he, answer me! Or I'll open your mouth with my fucking knife! - Hey!

Speaker A

- Prophet, there! - The god! - Is this what you're lookin' for, - He's radiant.

Speaker A

- He's beautiful. - I haven't changed my mind, little girl. I still want you dead.

Speaker A

(laughs) And I thought your sister was stupid. Coming into the lion's den, completely outnumbered, with a doll?

Speaker A

You're a fucking moron! - Then you've been out-foxed by a fuckin' moron. Back off, let the kid go.

Speaker A

- The prophet! - Blasphemer! - You have no idea what you're doing. - Everyone, listen to me, this doll is not your god.

Speaker A

It's not gonna fix your miserable lives! This cult of comfort is bullshit! If Wiggly is your god, then let him try and stop me from doing this.

Speaker A

(people gasping) - No! (Linda screaming) - [All] Oh. ♪ I hear his voice ♪ ♪ I feel his power ♪ ♪ I see his kingdom and his plans laid out for me ♪ ♪ Oh, he's mine, mine, mine to follow his orders ♪

Speaker A

♪ Oh, it's my, my, my monument to build ♪ ♪ He will wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggly will wiggle tonight ♪ ♪ Oh, he will wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggle his way into life ♪ ♪ I will wiggle, wiggly, wiggle my way to his side ♪

Speaker A

♪ And all will know when darkness comes ♪ ♪ Over Wiggly's kingdom ♪ ♪ That I'm the one who wronged what's right ♪ ♪ My god awaits ♪ ♪ His cyclopian gateway ♪ ♪ He awaits ♪ ♪ A portal that ushers in all sounds and sights unseen ♪

Speaker A

♪ Oh, he's my, my god to love and to worship ♪ ♪ Oh, it's my, my job to prepare for his birth ♪ ♪ He will wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggly will wiggle tonight ♪ ♪ Oh, he will wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪

Speaker A

♪ Wiggle his way into life ♪ ♪ I will wiggle, wiggle, wiggly my way to his side ♪ ♪ Oh the plans he has for you and me ♪ ♪ Me more favorably ♪ ♪ The earth is lookin' good and ripe ♪

Speaker A

♪ We will build a portal just for ♪ ♪ When Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes, when Wiggly comes ♪ ♪ He will rise up ♪ ♪ With joyful noise ♪ ♪ He'll turn dust to ash ♪ ♪ And dust to ash ♪

Speaker A

♪ And dust to ash ♪ ♪ And dust ♪ ♪ He will build a portal just for ♪ ♪ When he comes, he'll come for us ♪ ♪ When he comes, he'll come immortal ♪ ♪ Through the portal ♪

Speaker A

♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Ah, damn ♪ ♪ He will wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggly will wiggle tonight ♪ ♪ Oh, he will wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle ♪ ♪ Wiggle his way into life ♪ ♪ Oh ♪ ♪ I will wiggle, wiggle, wiggle my way to his side ♪

Speaker A

♪ All the wills that he will have to bend ♪ ♪ Oh, when he ascends ♪ ♪ The best of all fwendy-wends ♪ ♪ We will build a portal just for ♪ ♪ We will build a portal just for ♪

Speaker A

♪ We will build a portal just for ♪ ♪ When he comes ♪ (audience cheering) - Hey!

Speaker A

- (laughs) Becky Barnes, you pathetic worm! You think you can stop the birth of a god?

Speaker A

You couldn't even stand up to your disgusting husband! Look at you, you're paralyzed with fear!

Speaker A

- No. I'm just lining up my shot. (gun fires) - The prophet. - Oh, mother.

Speaker A

(all crying) - Oh god. - Gerald, yeah, it's Gary, yeah. We gotta talk about the will.

Speaker A

Goldstein. (all wailing) - Tom, are you all right, girls? - All right, let's get the hell outta here.

Speaker A

- You have two choices, abandon your god or burn here with him. (lighter clicks) - No. - No, he's burning!

Speaker A

- I'm Wiggly, I'm the prophet now! - I'll kill you! - The fire! (all screaming) (somber music) (gentle music) - The fire, it spread so fast.

Speaker A

- The whole mall's comin' down. - Good. (car horn honking) - Tom, Tom, oh my god, you're alive!

Speaker A

- Emma, Pat? - Paul. - What are you guys doing here, where's Tim? - Well, he's in the car, he's fine.

Speaker A

- We saw what happened to Lakeside on the news. - Yeah, and it's not just Hatchetfield, the whole world has gone crazy.

Speaker A

- Somebody nuked Moscow! The news was saying it might be World War III until the news went out.

Speaker A

- We were sure you were gone. We were gonna take Tim, get out of town.

Speaker A

But he wouldn't let us, all he wanted was you. - Emma, I've been avoiding it for too long.

Speaker A

But I think it's time we finally sit down as a family and talk about Jane.

Speaker A

- That sounds great, Tom, let's talk on the move. - Well, where can we go, is anyplace safe?

Speaker A

- You know, I have this kooky, reclusive biology professor. (audience cheering) He lives at the edge of town.

Speaker A

His whole house is like a panic room, we could go there. - That's a great idea, Emma.

Speaker A

- Well, I hope he doesn't mind us showing up unannounced. We can't call him, the phones stopped working.

Speaker A

I don't even know what time it is. What am I supposed to do without my iPhone?

Speaker A

- Wear a watch. - It's 11:57, Black Friday's almost over. I feel like if we can survive today, we can survive anything.

Speaker A

(clock ticking) ♪ Do you all see what I see ♪ ♪ What I know ♪ ♪ What I see ♪ ♪ Do you all see the memories ♪ ♪ Tomorrow reminds me ♪ ♪ Tomorrow will come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow won't come ♪

Speaker A

♪ Tomorrow come today ♪ ♪ Tomorrow will come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow won't come ♪ ♪ Will tomorrow come today ♪ ♪ And turn the light off ♪ ♪ Do you all see what I see ♪ ♪ What I know ♪

Speaker A

♪ What I see ♪ ♪ Do you all see the memories ♪ ♪ Tomorrow reminds me ♪ ♪ Tomorrow will come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow won't come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow come today ♪ ♪ Tomorrow will come ♪ ♪ Tomorrow won't come ♪

Speaker A

♪ Will tomorrow come today ♪ ♪ And turn the light off ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ To break the dawn ♪ ♪ And take the night away ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪

Speaker A

♪ To break the dawn ♪ ♪ And there's no one to stay ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ To break the dawn ♪

Speaker A

♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ And take the night away ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ To break ♪ ♪ And take the night away ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪

Speaker A

♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ To break ♪ ♪ And there's no one to stay ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ And takes the night away ♪ ♪ To break the dawn ♪

Speaker A

♪ What if tomorrow comes ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ ♪ And takes the night away ♪ ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ (suspenseful music) - Here we go.

Speaker A

- 15 seconds left. - Nine. - Seven. - Five. - Three. - Two. ♪ What if tomorrow ♪ (eerie music)

Topics:Team StarKidBlack Fridaymusical parodyTickle-Me WigglyHatchetfieldholiday satireconsumerismmusical comedyChristmasfan series

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