¿Realmente me AMO? La verdad del APEGO EVITATIVO

Explore the complexities of avoidant attachment in relationships and understand why avoidant partners may seem distant despite love.

Key Takeaways

Avoidant partners do love but express it differently than anxious partners expect.
Avoidant attachment leads to emotional distancing as a coping mechanism to avoid pain.
Anxious partners often feel unloved due to avoidants’ lack of typical emotional gestures.
Conflicts are perceived differently by avoidants, often seen as relationship breaks rather than endings.
Awareness of these attachment differences can help couples navigate and heal insecure attachments.

What the video covers

Avoidant attachment style leads to complex relationship dynamics where conflicts are seen as breaks rather than endings.
Avoidant individuals often do not fight for the relationship or express love in expected ways, causing confusion for anxious partners.
The avoidant’s way of managing pain is avoidance, which can appear as indifference or calmness after conflicts or breakups.
Anxious partners may misinterpret avoidant behavior as lack of love due to their different emotional responses.
Avoidants may initially try to repair conflicts but withdraw if they perceive the relationship as too difficult or toxic.
The avoidant attachment style involves a mentality of accepting limitations in emotional availability and connection.
Avoidants love differently, often not meeting the emotional needs of anxious partners, leading to misunderstandings.
The video is part of a podcast series by a couple with opposite attachment styles sharing their experiences and lessons.
Understanding avoidant attachment can help anxious partners find clarity and healing in their relationships.
The discussion emphasizes practical insights for couples dealing with insecure attachment styles.

Chapters

Do avoidant individuals really love their partners?

Yes, avoidant individuals do love their partners, but they express love differently and may not show it in ways that anxious partners expect.

Why do avoidant partners seem calm or unaffected after a breakup?

Avoidant partners manage pain by avoiding emotional distress, which can make them appear calm or unaffected even though they do care.

How can anxious and avoidant partners improve their relationship?

By understanding each other's attachment styles, communicating openly, and practicing empathy, anxious and avoidant partners can better navigate conflicts and heal insecure attachments.

Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown

Speaker A

With the avoidant, that topic is much more complex because often it's not, "Oh, the relationship ended," it’s simply there was a conflict. To the avoidant, the relationship breaks; it’s not that the relationship has actually ended. Let's try again, and this time don't answer me

Speaker A

like a politician who sounded like Pedro Sánchez answering questions. How do you think the avoidant fights for the relationship? In the beginning, when the first frictions start to appear, the first differences, what would be the signs that there really

Speaker A

was love in a relationship with an avoidant? So, what can we conclude from these questions I'm asking you? That the avoidant doesn't fight for the relationship, the avoidant doesn't express their love, doesn't give you signs of their love. I mean, did they

Speaker A

really love me or did I make it all up? If you have ever been with a person with an avoidant attachment, this question haunts you in every moment of silence because it doesn't make sense, right? One day there was a connection

Speaker A

and the next, a wall of ice. One day you were their priority and the next, it seems like you're in their way. Many of you have written to us saying, "If they loved me, why didn't they fight?

Speaker A

If they loved me, why did they disappear?" Today we are going to give you the answer that no one has given you, and I warn you, it will hurt, but it will set you free because the reality is that the avoidant did love

Speaker A

you, but not how you needed them to. Well, welcome everyone to the Blank Project. How are you? How are you, Sebas?

Speaker A

Very well, very well, with a great topic. Yes. And well, as always, we are gathering a lot of information that you share with us, that you ask us about.

Speaker A

That is where this series of podcasts we're doing is coming from. In fact, I'll let you know that from today until at least eight podcasts from now, we are going to do a series that is all linked, all prepared so that you can

Speaker A

internalize, understand much more and, above all, put things into practice and resolve all those doubts that you might have out there. And well, for those who don't know us, those who are stumbling upon our podcast for the first time, we are Marián and

Speaker A

Sebastián, a couple who have been together for more than 15 years and who have experienced firsthand what it is to be a couple with opposite attachment styles. Sebastián had an anxious attachment style, and I had an avoidant one, and we're here to share all our

Speaker A

experiences, all our lessons, and everything we're achieving with all those couples who are working with us and all of you who come looking for help on how to heal your insecure attachments, so you're in the right place.

Speaker A

I'm going to start directly with a question that was sent in, right? And they say, they say, Marián, when an avoidant person pulls away, cools off, or ends a relationship, the anxious person tends to think, "So, they never

Speaker A

loved me." Is that so, right? Not at all. It's just that with a person who has an avoidant attachment style, you're going to have these kinds of feelings. It's a relationship that maybe you lived with great intensity, with great passion, and suddenly you

Speaker A

feel that when there's a separation, when there's been a crisis, when you've broken up or distanced yourselves, it seems like the other person doesn't care, eh, like they aren't reacting the way you'd expect, and of course, that doubt creeps in, right? Saying, "But

Speaker A

why are they so happy? Why are they so calm? It seems like it doesn't affect them." Eh, so that means they didn't love me, right? I mean, you ask yourself that question because how can it be that nothing moves a person,

Speaker A

right? And I'm here suffering and hurting because even though the relationship ended, it's not something that was really done voluntarily and consciously, right? Usually, an avoidant attachment and an anxious attachment pull away and break up because of those clashes and

Speaker A

confrontations they have, because they don't know each other, right? And they don't understand this, eh? But not at all, precisely because they are a person with avoidant attachment, their way of managing distance and separation is by avoiding the pain. Therefore,

Speaker A

it's very likely that you'll see that person isn't suffering, eh, that they're unfazed, that they're even capable of talking to you as if nothing happened. I mean, like, eh, "How's it going? How are you?" And you're saying, "But how

Speaker A

can you have that smile on your face?" No, because in that process, in that time of separation, at the beginning, especially eh the first few days, weeks, the avoidant person isn't going to connect with that, eh, they're going to

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be avoiding that, eh, that feeling, right? Of pain, and they will be, moreover, you might even see them, uh, living their life very effusively, very happily, with lots of plans, going out, having fun, and it's precisely to avoid

Speaker A

the pain. But from the anxious side, uh, that is like very confusing, right? Because you say, "Yeah, you love me, right? Why don't you look for me? If you love me, why don't you fight for it? If you love

Speaker A

me, why do you seem so calm?" Because an avoidant person will do precisely the opposite of what you expect them to do, for example. That is crystal clear.

Speaker A

It's very curious because, of course, a more anxious attachment, uh, feels that if the other person really cared about the relationship, they would make gestures like, "Well, let's try, I'm not going to give up so fast," or "Let's see

Speaker A

if we can solve this problem," right? The anxious person would look for the anxious one. I think any secure relationship, right? I mean, if there is a moment of breakdown or crisis and it's believed there are possibilities to fix it, whether it's because there's

Speaker A

something to repair, something to solve, something to talk about, the most normal thing is that, even if there's a breakup, both parties say, "Well, but we didn't really want to separate, let's see how we can fix it," right?

Speaker A

Or in the case of the anxious person, their response would be, if my partner leaves me, I'll see how I can fight for it a bit more, right? To, hey, see what I can do, what I can change, how we can

Speaker A

fix it. I don't, I don't want to leave this relationship, but an avoidant attachment, precisely because they have that way of viewing the relationship, thinks when something breaks there is no solution anymore. It's like, "Well, yeah, not necessarily when something

Speaker A

breaks," because often when something breaks it might be that there is no solution. With the avoidant, that issue is much more complex because often it's not, "Oh, the relationship broke," it's just there was a conflict.

Speaker A

Hm. For the avoidant, the relationship breaks; it's not that the relationship has broken. Hm. I'm still going to say that I don't, I don't think, I mean, it's not like it's something radical where in the first conflict, in the first breakup,

Speaker A

the avoidant disappears and never comes back. No, no. I think that at the beginning, before realizing they are getting into a somewhat toxic relationship, I think the avoidant person does have the intention of fixing things, right? Yes, no, it's not like it's something

Speaker A

forbidden for the avoidant. It’s not like they won’t want to understand or want to repair, but they won’t overexert themselves, or they might test the waters, but if they see the other party is very closed off, very angry, or very anxious, well,

Speaker A

they will directly accept it, right? And they’ll say, "Okay, well, there's nothing to be done here." But that doesn't mean they don't want to fight for the relationship. But obviously, when it has happened one, two, three times and the avoidant starts to

Speaker A

internalize that this relationship is very difficult, we're always the same, it seems like we don't understand each other, we're so different, they're asking me for things I can't give. All of that is the basic mentality of the avoidant.

Speaker A

Exactly. Whether they start expressing their mentality at the first conflict, or at the third, fourth, or fifth conflict.

Speaker A

Basically, almost

Speaker A

others, or it seems like nothing I do is enough." When they start with that conversation, the avoidant is assuming that those relationships are impossible . That's why, when they end up pulling away, a priori they aren't going to

Speaker A

fight, no matter how much they loved that person, because they’re going to be like: "They are the one giving up, they are the one accepting that the other doesn't love me, the other doesn't love me as I am; therefore, I

Speaker A

am going to leave." They aren't going to connect with being constantly fighting against their own feeling of rejection, of I don't do things right, they're always angry, they're always making demands of me, they're always judging me, it seems like they aren't

Speaker A

happy with me. As they begin to connect with those emotions, they will assume that, yeah, well that's it, the one who doesn't love me is the other person.

Speaker A

How do you think the avoidant fights? Let's say at the beginning of the relationship, in the first few conflicts, how do you think the avoidant fights for the relationship?

Speaker A

Well, there is a sensation that often occurs, which is that your anxiety also begins to connect with its most anxious side, right? Because when it's the other person who is constantly hovering, attentive, and wanting to help, I mean,

Speaker A

to fix things, right? And all that, the avoidant starts to feel overwhelmed, right? By those things and starts to pull away. But it can happen that there comes a moment when the anxious one, or the more secure one, finally lets go,

Speaker A

right? Accepting, well, that's it, there's nothing to be done, if they don't love me, they don't love me, right? And that's it, they let go.

Speaker A

That's when the avoidant starts to feel that void, starts to feel that, but deep down I do want to be with this person, deep down I do, I mean, the thing is you weren't given that space to reflect, right? To miss the other

Speaker A

person, to think about what things I need to do. It's like there's no time because the moment we say or do something, it's always the anxious one who is fixing, solving, proposing, repairing. And then the avoidant eventually gets tired, right? And

Speaker A

starts to let go, thinking this doesn't fulfill me, I don't like this. The avoidant doesn't like being chased or having someone right there, but when they feel they've lost it, that void, that's when they start to connect with

Speaker A

their own insecurity too, right? With, oh, I'm going to lose them. I mean, the avoidant and the anxious are actually drawn to each other, and the avoidant also wants to be with the anxious. They love the anxious, they really do. So

Speaker A

what's the problem? It's when things reach those extremes, when the anxious becomes very anxious, the avoidant shuts down completely, and those are the moments where there's just no way to handle it, there's no solution.

Speaker A

Let's go again, and this time don't answer like a politician, you sounded like Pedro Sánchez answering questions .

Speaker A

I don't know if that's a compliment or what, but no, it's not a compliment. Well, maybe it sort of is. You had the ability to say a lot of things and say nothing at all.

Speaker A

Geez, I said a ton of very clear things . Yes, but no. Let's see, you said before, eh, that the avoidant overfights for the relationship, right?

Speaker A

That like it reaches a point, either at the beginning or later, where they say, "Oh, how am I supposed to fight for the relationship if I don't know what?" So I asked you, how do you think an avoidant fights for the relationship?

Speaker A

In the beginning, when the first friction and differences start appearing, how is it that the avoidant fights for the relationship? And you came back at me But first a bit like no because, I mean, it’s a trick question because I don't know, I don't

Speaker A

see it. How, how does the avoidant fight for the relationship? Because it’s not a constant fight, it’s like at a given moment, once in a while the avoidant might try to, uh, fix things, right? Like what I’m telling

Speaker A

you, it's like, Sure, like they suddenly feel that void, uh, uh, they miss them. I really do want this relationship too, right? And that’s when they consider fighting.

Speaker A

Fighting is just sure, how, I want to know ways, can you give me some example of what the avoidant does, uh, to say I am fighting for the relationship? Well, they might go back a bit to the beginning, uh,

Speaker A

into their conquest mode, right? Like they return a little to being subtle, suggestive, without being very obvious, right? Uh, they aren't going to go crawling, they aren't going to go crying to you, they aren't going to go begging,

Speaker A

acting like nothing happened. Mm. what usually happens not so, not so exaggerated, I mean, yes , acting like Well, yes, I understand, but for me that wouldn't be a fight, I mean, you can't really call that a fight.

Speaker A

Right, that’s why, that’s why I ask , how does the avoidant fight? In their way of wanting to fix things, fixing it would be a bit like: well, okay, I’m going to reach out, I’m going to see how they are, I’m going to see if

Speaker A

they’re receptive, if they’re happy , if they’re angry, uh, I’m going to suggest doing something that I know the other person likes, uh, right? Like starting to give in a little bit on those things the other person has been

Speaker A

demanding, that you haven't understood, and there, like you can make a bit of an effort so they see there is some intention.

Speaker A

I totally understand and agree, but of course, there is a serious problem which is like everything we demand, right? Us, the more anxious ones, what we demand from the avoidant, Since they don't express themselves correctly or don't express what they feel or

Speaker A

whatever, we don't perceive that. We don't perceive the "oh yeah, they are fighting for the relationship," right?

Speaker A

Yes. Because exactly what you just said , it's like, well, in a subtle way, so nobody notices, they are supposedly fighting for the relationship.

Speaker A

Hm. Right. So, wow, it's hard to consider that "yes, at least they fought for the relationship," right?

Speaker A

No, we couldn't label it as fighting, right? Because an avoidant person doesn't fight for a relationship. An avoidant person might have the intention to recover, fix things, act like nothing happened, but still be present. Even if, for the avoidant, it

Speaker A

might feel like an effort, it really isn't a fight; it doesn't have that energy of battle, of "what do I do, what must I do, forgive me." It could be that if they manage to connect with their anxious side, which can happen,

Speaker A

but let me tell you, it won't last long . They will connect with that anxious side, they will want to do crazy things , right? Like, for example, I don't know, driving halfway across the country and showing up with the car so

Speaker A

they see that I'm here and I've made an effort, right? I mean, that kind of thing. But I tell you, Lara, once and no more. And and if that time of anxiety, I mean, because of their instinct to avoid suffering, something

Speaker A

will happen, they will do something so that it doesn't drag on for too long.

Speaker A

They can't be connecting with their with their pain. No, no, they can't. The avoidant has the ability to not connect with that. So, a person who can stop suffering and doesn't do it voluntarily either. It's like their body and their head, their brain will

Speaker A

keep telling them, "No, but honestly it's not worth it, right?" But in truth , they will start self-deceiving and a moment will come when they convince themselves, "No, look, it's true, you know I'm better off like this, I'm

Speaker A

better off alone." Hm, but I'm not saying that at some point they might have a brief connection with their desire to want to fight and do crazy things. Yes.

Speaker A

So, what would be the signs that there really was love? in a relationship with an avoidant? Well, I don't know if it was just the last podcast that we were talking about all those ways that avoidants have of expressing love,

Speaker A

meaning, that they can't fake it, right ? I mean, it's an avoidant, you can tell they're in love when they do these things, right? But in the end, is it really being avoidant, let's see, living the relationship as you

Speaker A

experience it with an avoidant, uh, with those inconsistencies. with that with that closing off, yes, uh, with this feeling that the other person loves you, but you can't quite explain how. Hm. It's weird because they are different love languages. There are

Speaker A

moments of great passion, great closeness, and of "we had such a good time," but then, suddenly, there's also a lot of distance and you don't understand what's happening; and, it's not that they don't love you, it's just the way an avoidant attachment manages

Speaker A

the relationship, right? Right. But well, to to understand, right? us, the the more anxious ones, what are those signs that there was love? Like, to say, because there are thousands of people behind the cameras wondering, did they love me, did they

Speaker A

not love me? They were left there in the limbo of I don't know. and and and we also hear it in many sessions from people who are separated from their partner because they broke up for whatever reason and they come with that

Speaker A

question of I don't know, I don't understand, I don't even know what I don't understand what happened, I don't know if they really loved me or not, I don't know. I insist on this question because, well, uh for many anxious

Speaker A

people it might surely be able to serve as a relief in some way, right? The reaching a much deeper understanding of this and saying, well, yes it's true, they did this, that, and the other.

Speaker A

Well, yes it's true, they loved me. The relationship didn't break up because they didn't love me. Well, for an avoidant, the simple fact of being with you, I always say it, right? I mean, it's uh Yes, take it as a sign. If they were

Speaker A

with you, take it as a sign. for an avoidant, because an avoidant doesn't need shows of love, doesn't need those gestures of affection, it's simply, "Oh , we get along, we like each other, you have a good time with me, so we're a

Speaker A

couple, right? So, what can we conclude from these questions I'm asking you? that the avoidant doesn't fight for the relationship, the avoidant doesn't express their love, they don't, they don't give you signs of their love, I mean, they do express their love, but in

Speaker A

their own way, right? I mean, what I'm telling you: acts of service, being with you, uh, giving you gifts, cooking your favorite dishes, uh, thinking of you for certain things and, and surprising you with something, uh, having intimacy with you, spending time

Speaker A

with you, uh, going out for walks and having that, uh, uh, quality time together, which, obviously, is different for everyone. So, for them it's clear, yes, I mean, I choose you and we are together. The problem is that an avoidant has, uh, they don't

Speaker A

open up to those more real displays of love. No, they aren't real, they are, they are different.

Speaker A

Yeah, but I don't know, you named three , four, five things, and more than half of them I could argue that I don't buy that as a sign of their love. Having intimacy. Uh, look, if we are a couple,

Speaker A

if we are a couple, uh, there might not even be love, but they have intimacy. I mean, I don't buy that as a sign of their love. I might buy acts of service as a sign of their love. Yes, I do buy

Speaker A

it as a sign of love if, for example, the avoidant does remember dates or remembers things with more symbolism, I don't know, but the fact of" oh, because I'm close to you, that's a sign . "Yes. Look, that's something basic.

Speaker A

If I'm in a relationship with someone, obviously I'm going to be close to them , obviously I'm going to have intimacy, obviously and so on.

Speaker A

That's why I don't buy it as a sign of love. Mm. Look, for example, uh, the avoidant is usually receptive to displays of affection, right? I mean, if you are affectionate with them, it is very likely that the avoidant—except for

Speaker A

some who do have a very strong sensitivity to physical contact and find it quite unbearable—but that is known and that is obvious, you decide if you are with such a person or not.

Speaker A

But the rest of avoidants in general don't show, uh, displays of affection basically because they didn't experience them much in their life either, it's not part of their love language, uh, they aren't used to that, but they do like receiving it. So, what

Speaker A

happens? Surely the person who is more physically or verbally affectionate expresses it a lot, says it a lot, but there comes a moment when they get tired because they feel the other person isn't reciprocating. It's like, it seems I'm always the one who has to

Speaker A

go give a hug, it seems I'm the only one saying I love you, and when I ask if they love me back, they don't respond. So the other person starts connecting with the feeling of, well, they don't love me, they don't respond

Speaker A

to me, along with those expectations you place on the other. And in the end, the avoidant person feels uncomfortable in some way because, well, the other party eventually gets tired and may start complaining, or they may stop showing those signs of affection, and

Speaker A

the avoidant starts connecting with their wound of rejection, right? Like, oh, what's wrong with them? They aren't affectionate anymore, they don't do this anymore. We don't understand that the other person is looking for reciprocity, right? I mean, it's

Speaker A

understandable now, of course, but at first it feels very good, but it's hard for us to show those displays of affection, right? Uh, so, of course, there comes a time when they shut down so much because they feel so

Speaker A

uncomfortable, and the other person does too, that it starts to look like the avoidant does nothing, right? But that's not true. And there are also very affectionate avoidants, which we also know. They might be avoidant in other areas, but in general. But for an

Speaker A

avoidant, they are happy. That's how it is, I mean, they don't need anything else. So they think the other person is also happy that way. And that is their love. The thing is, it's not a display of love the way you expect it. And I'm

Speaker A

not saying we have to settle for that; on the contrary, we have to learn. The avoidant has to learn to experience, to connect with their own emotions, to open up a little to experiencing, to touching, to giving of themselves; all

Speaker A

of that is very good. But talking about couples who have lived together for many years and say," They're just an avoidant, they're super closed off, they don't have anything. "Well, you also have to look a bit at how that

Speaker A

person reached that point of shutting down and what other displays of affection they had that were also not valued by the partner, right? Hm. Still , even to this day, I was just remembering—I don't know why it popped into my head—even today, after

Speaker A

, I don't know, 3 years of sharing, first our experience, and now everything we've learned and our healing process, there are still people saying," Get away from there, "or" You should run, "or they think I'm constantly triggered by my attachment

Speaker A

issues. Folks, if I don't dig deep, if I don't hit a nerve, we can't share everything we share with you.

Speaker A

Hm. Or do you want me to create content based on theory, like many people or psychologists do?

Speaker A

If I don't dig into the wound, you don't learn. Yeah. And we talk a bit—I base it a bit on how we used to live it, right? I get into that mindset of an avoidant person. Obviously, I don't think the

Speaker A

same way nowadays, right? And this isn't an act, nor are we constantly dealing with our emotional wounds. Thank God our relationship started changing tremendously a long time ago; it began to heal. We started, every time we have an argument—

Speaker A

because that will always happen—we know how to resolve it, and those arguments are fewer and fewer, or at least the topics we used to constantly argue about have disappeared. It's like eliminating things, right? Checking things off a list—I don't know, for

Speaker A

example, a typical argument we used to have: if Marián went somewhere and I'd text her and she wouldn't reply for a while, that disappeared a long time ago , along with a bunch of other things.

Speaker A

So, I repeat, this isn't an act so you'll believe whatever, nor are we constantly triggered. I do it consciously, saying" let's talk about this, "but I'm going to dig deep.

Speaker A

Marián often says," Oh, no, don't get into such a debate. "But if I don't get into a debate, we don't dig deep and bring to light everything we are sharing with you. So don't worry, we are doing very well, better than ever.

Speaker A

And for the moment, I have no need to run. Good. This is a good question I'm going to ask you. Uh, before that, I remind you that, in all our videos, you have the links in the description, uh, to our

Speaker A

website for anyone who needs, uh, to have a chat with us, uh, to want to understand all this a little bit more, tell us how they're experiencing this stage of their life emotionally, or if they directly want to start healing.

Speaker A

Everything is always in the description too. Before we continue, I want to take a very brief pause from everything we're talking about today. Because if what's happening to you in these types of relationships is stirring things up inside, it's not something that can be

Speaker A

solved just by listening to a podcast. In fact, many of the people who listen to us have already perfectly understood what's happening to them, but when they return to their real life, when they get emotionally triggered, they go

Speaker A

right back to the exact same point as before. And that isn't a lack of understanding; it's a lack of real emotional practice. That's why we've created a specific space called" Reconecta. "It’s not just another theoretical course; it's a process

Speaker A

where you work on exactly what we're talking about today. How to stop reacting from a place of anxiety? How to break free from the emotional attachment to these kinds of bonds? And how to start building internal security that doesn't depend on anyone else. And

Speaker A

you don't need to be worse off to start . In fact, it's usually just the opposite. It’s when you start to see what's happening to you with clarity that it makes the most sense to do it.

Speaker A

If what we're talking about today is hitting home and you feel like you don't want to keep repeating the same patterns over and over, you can take a look at the link down there. And now, we continue with the episode.

Speaker A

I was telling you, this is a very good one, I like it, I really like this question and this is very much for anxious types, I think, right? What is the danger in discovering that the avoidant did actually love you? Oh,

Speaker A

it's just that this is delicate because in the end sure they loved me, but the question is, let's see, it's complicated because if what good does it do me to know it? Of course, in the end, if both people are

Speaker A

conscious and learn to know themselves, to work on their attachments, to be able to give those things that the other needs, both the anxious and the avoidant, they start to know each other and they start to provide for and

Speaker A

fulfill each other. Great. But clearly, what good does it do me to know the other person loved me if, in the end, they didn't love me the way I wanted?

Speaker A

What good does it do me? Uh, yes, it can serve as a comfort to say," Well, yes, they loved me and it wasn't a lie, "and it can bring you some peace, but at the same time it can bring more

Speaker A

frustration because you might feel bad for not having understood it and you might still want to try to get them back, but in the end you are still going to feel the same because the avoidant remains avoidant." Well, yes, obviously

Speaker A

, obviously yes, but I don't know, it's a good question, right? Because, because that's also true, they keep asking us, uh, and more than anything the people who want to do whatever it takes to have contact again with their

Speaker A

ex. No, but it is a good question: what are the dangers? of reaching the conclusion that yes, they really did love me. Uh, yes, it can be dangerous, but it also depends on where the person is looking at it from. If that person hasn't done

Speaker A

any kind of personal work yet, there can be dangers. Mm, but for a person who has already started doing their own emotional work, it can bring many favorable, good, and liberating answers. Yes, because in the end, ultimately, understanding that the

Speaker A

other person was able to love you in their own way is fine, but at the end of the day that doesn't mean you can have the relationship you'd like, right ?

Speaker A

I mean, that would happen if both parties were conscious, as I said before, and could learn and enjoy and transform, right, the relationship itself. But if not, well, let it just be a feeling of, "Okay, they loved me,

Speaker A

but that's it, I can't build anything with them." It's not the other way around. It's not that they didn't love me, it's that I don't want a relationship with someone who experiences relationships in that way, right? And they don't have the option

Speaker A

to change, or they don't want to change , or they don't have the possibility, right?

Speaker A

See, it's, it's quite important, right? This is because many times the anxious person isn't entirely looking for the truth, uh, they're looking more for a reason to keep going.

Speaker A

That too. That's why, that's why I emphasized so much, right, uh, what those dangers are, right? Yes, if it's an anxious person who is healing, well, reaching the conclusion of saying: " Well, yes, I realize that yes, they

Speaker A

loved me, that this, that that, that the other thing, that I wanted it differently, but they expressed it in their own way," well, good, it can be liberating, it can help close the cycle , a thousand things; but unfortunately,

Speaker A

and as is the case for the vast majority of people who are still not capable of looking at their own navel ...

Speaker A

uh, what they seek is to be able to continue, to be able to continue, to be able to continue, to recover, to recover, to recover, not to lose, not to lose.

Speaker A

And well, likewise, right? Since, uh, what we wanted to share here today a little bit, right?,is that yes, surely the avoidant loved you, the problem is that they didn't love you the way you needed. Now I ask you, uh, for those

Speaker A

avoidants who are also watching us and are saying, "Okay, but what is it that an anxious person needs after all, in this case? Uh, what is it that you need ? Wait, before that question, because I would like, I would like people to

Speaker A

reflect on this last, on this last point that we touched on and be honest, be honest with yourself, and if this point resonated with you about what the dangers are of discovering that they did love you, uh, leave me the word" real "in the

Speaker A

comments to see that you are assuming your part, your responsibility. Great. What was the question you asked me?

Speaker A

That after all, right? Avoidants do love, but we don't love the way the other person needs. So, I ask you, what does a person really need to feel loved ? An anxious person? No, Well, that question, uh, I'm going to,

Speaker A

I'm going to say that Mariana asked me that earlier and I told her:" Let me write down a few points, if you will, to be able to express clearly, right, what the anxious person needs to feel loved, "because a priori, uh, Marian

Speaker A

asked me the question and I told her:" Let's see, it's very broad, right? ".

Speaker A

too abstract what you are asking me, but and I think this is going to really kill the discourse or the argument of the avoidant. Uh, look, I started One way in which we feel loved is when we receive frequent attention and contact.

Speaker A

Yes. Uh, the usual, right? Uh, a little message, a I don't know, a little bit of" I'm thinking of you. "This is something that I, I previously, uh found impossible to understand, and in a way, I still find it complicated to

Speaker A

grasp from people—I’m not talking purely about your partner, right? People who who, I mean, aren't capable of—if they do remember you, if you do interest them—because in the end, you really have to differentiate between things, right? Uh, a matter of avoidant

Speaker A

attachment is not the same as a matter of zero interest. A person who isn't capable of a little message like," Hey, how are you? How is your life going? "I mean, uh, to this day, I still don't understand that,

Speaker A

right? Uh, but anyway, receiving attention and, uh, frequent or occasional contact is good. It makes us feel, uh, loved; it makes us feel that we are in the other person's thoughts, right? Uh, and this, and I think this

Speaker A

is the most important, uh, or one of the most important points, right? Uh, perceiving clarity and security in relationships; when we don't perceive clarity—which we've also talked about a lot regarding how many avoidants often are, right?—that they aren't

Speaker A

clear in their requests, they aren't clear in their explanations, they aren't clear about anything.

Speaker A

It drives us crazy, it, uh, awakens all our ills, all our demons, and it destabilizes us tremendously.

Speaker A

Hm. Uh, should I continue, or do you want to comment on something? Yes, yes. No, we could comment. There are some very clear points here.

Speaker A

Okay, so I’m going to comment a little bit on the, the first thing, right?

Speaker A

Signs of attention and so on. It is true that an avoidant usually has more of that at the beginning. When the relationship begins to settle, when the avoidant starts to feel comfortable, it’s true that the frequency drops, uh, and perhaps the anxious person

Speaker A

begins to feel a bit of of doubt, and so on, and starts to, like, want everything to be like it was at the beginning, right? And well, uh, in the end, perhaps for an avoidant, communicating once a day is enough,

Speaker A

like the goodnight message, right? And of course, for the other party, it’s like, come on. They aren't even capable of a" good morning "or writing to me at noon to ask how my day is going. You can't feel that sense of lack when, for

Speaker A

an avoidant, it's like, hey, I’m paying attention to you, I just finished my workday, and now that I have a moment, I'm here, right? So, I’m not saying it’s the right thing , but that’s how an avoidant is—

Speaker A

it’s not that they aren’t attentive , but obviously, for an anxious person who values physical contact and connection much more, you have to keep that in mind, right? Like, hey, if you’re thinking of them, besides remembering them during the day, you

Speaker A

text them so they know you thought of them and confirm it, right? I mean, those kinds of gestures are good for an anxious person.

Speaker A

Ah, but many avoidants feel that way, like, yeah, I could do that, but as soon as they start talking, they don't want to keep the conversation going.

Speaker A

Exactly, right? Like, oh, they're going to ramble on now and I don't have time, so, well, in the end, they're just excuses one makes for oneself, right?

Speaker A

Regarding the whole clarity thing, right? Yeah, obviously. Sure, but that’s where the avoidant runs into an issue, right? Which is if they aren’t being clear with you in the sense of, for example, saying," we're just friends, "or" I don't want

Speaker A

anything serious right now, "right? These kinds of things, do you mean they aren't clear in general? In general, about everything. I mean, we could talk about it at the beginning of relationships, where they aren't clear if there's already a stable relationship or not,

Speaker A

but in general, I’m talking about the general stuff, not just the obvious things. But rather the general stuff, for example, what we’ve talked about many times, right, about how we often had the problem that or we’ve touched a

Speaker A

lot on the issue that the avoidant says , for example:" Yeah, I'm going out for a beer with my friends or coffee with the girls, "but then it turns out it was, I don't know, a barbecue with partying and everything else, whatever

Speaker A

it may be, right? That there’s often no clarity, which I think we talked about in a podcast, like what the avoidant keeps quiet about, what they hide or Yeah, that might be where there’s a bit of that fear, right? to the other

Speaker A

person's reaction, to avoiding certain conflicts, not getting into much trouble, which in the end just ends up causing more trouble, right? Because it creates distrust, right? There, but well, there was another point that yes, right? being clear and security,

Speaker A

someone being clear with you generates security, okay? For example, it's that often the avoidant person ends up doubting themselves because the anxious person often, for example, says" If you loved me a lot, you'd text me more often, it's just that you never text me and

Speaker A

and so on. "So the avoidant person also starts to doubt themselves because the other one says," No, I do love you a lot. "Oh, but then if I don't text you that much, it's because I don't love you. And then they start to create

Speaker A

doubts for themselves too. That's why many times we aren't clear because we even doubt ourselves. It's a small example, but there are many times when it's like" maybe I don't love them that much "because if they're telling me

Speaker A

this, and of course, all this creates more insecurity, more insecurity. But notice how it goes completely hand in hand, right? Perceiving clarity and security. If my partner isn't clear with me, it leads you to have insecurity later, because in something

Speaker A

silly, like, for example, if I'm going to have a beer with two friends...and they express it, I don't know, hesitating, stammering, and it turns out it was something else or I don't know what or I don't know how much. Of

Speaker A

course, it generates insecurity, yes or yes. Yes. No, totally. I mean, that really needs to be worked on, obviously, and many problems will be avoided. Uh, another thing, feeling prioritized and important to the person. Yes, that's a bit about the avoidant. It is true that

Speaker A

in the matter of a romantic relationship, a priori, a priori, of course, in their more self-sufficient and avoidant world , the partner is part of their life, but not their priority. I mean, it's not that they even consider it, it's

Speaker A

not like" yes, you're my partner, well there's also my job, there are also my friends, "they have priorities.

Speaker A

Look, often the priorities that move an avoidant are whatever generates the most dopamine or stability, right? Yes, it's more dopamine, it's more intensity, yes, they are impulses, they are, why?

Speaker A

because it's a person who is driven a lot by dopamine, uh, they struggle to generate that serotonin, that long-term happiness hormone. So, what happens?

Speaker A

I'm fine with you for a while because I feel comfortable, because I have my dopamine, but suddenly that starts to fade for me, so what draws me away?

Speaker A

Something else. Oh, well, I'm going to go work because I have some projects there, and that's what drives them.

Speaker A

We bore them. We bore them. Why do you because it's like that? You say it, uh, you say it one way and and I translate it.

Speaker A

Well, I am politically incorrect, ladies and gentlemen. Mariana is more politically correct and she said it one way and I translated it. It is exactly like that.

Speaker A

Yes, unfortunately it's a chemical problem that is solved when one starts to work, to stabilize, to have their dopamine fast. Does it bother you that I translate it to to the to the reality that we live and perceive? It hurts,

Speaker A

doesn't it. Okay, but now I'm going to give you the same example. For an anxious person, what drives them is the shot of oxytocin and dopamine that being with them creates.

Speaker A

Shot of love. Well, but that's what moves you, that moves you. And it's that when I'm with you, my chest explodes and I feel every single thing and the more I'm there the more I feel, in the end it's a problem

Speaker A

of what is it that I feel, right? So, if for you, being with your avoidant partner resulted in a moment of a high, but then it turns off, well, evidently your body leads you to other pursuits.

Speaker A

Afterward, you have to be conscious of all this and not let yourself be carried away by those impulses, right?

Speaker A

Another another one of the ways in which we feel uh loved is uh well, receiving uh emotional validation, right? When when we feel that that our emotions are heard and understood, it's not just the negative part of of

Speaker A

emotional validation. constant validation is needed, right? In the healthy part of a person as well, emotional validation, feeling heard and understood is also something healthy, it's not purely because of insecurities , fears or Yes, unfortunately this is one thing

Speaker A

the avoidant didn't learn to manage, uh , to bear anyone's emotions. No one taught them to bear their own emotions, that's why they learned to evade them.

Speaker A

And of course, when the other has that need, they don't know uh how to do it.

Speaker A

Besides, it makes them uncomfortable, it makes them connect with their discomfort of" oh, don't bother me with this that creates discomfort for me, " right? So it's don't, don't infect me with your don't tell me your stories and so on. Of course, they won't tell

Speaker A

you that way, but their brain is thinking that way at that moment. Don't for them it's an alert, it's not like uncomfortable, can't you manage yourself? I mean, I have that problem and you don't even notice it, right? I

Speaker A

mean, the avoidant starts to see it that way because it's very hard for them, right? This whole issue. So, evidently, all of this needs to be worked on, it's necessary to be conscious and it's also very positive, very pleasant, even when you learn to

Speaker A

hold the other's emotions, not to take it personally, to know how to have those tools when the other also learns to manage their emotions and that's it.

Speaker A

Anyway, it's a balance after all, right ?,between both parties. But anyway, what you're asking for is totally understandable.

Speaker A

Look, and finally, and now I would like to read them again one by one so that to make the final count.

Speaker A

Yes. Experience consistency. Eh, that makes us feel loved, right? Eh, where actions match words and there are no abrupt changes of closeness or distance . Eh, the podcast topic, right? How did it go? Eh, that the avoidant did love you, but not

Speaker A

like you. Yes, as one expected, right? But of course, in the first two points, you said it yourself, that the avoidant can be said not to really fight for the relationship. In fact, that famous phrase of ours, when the fire of love

Speaker A

goes out, it's out and that's it, there's nothing to do, reflects a bit of that, right? Eh, and of course , it's it's painful. I, look, I don't say I don't say that the avoidant didn't want you, didn't love you, not

Speaker A

at all. I'm not saying that at all, not at all. What I do say is that, of course, they didn't do it as one expected or needed, and much less did they do it well, because you can be as

Speaker A

traumatized as we want, as wounded, as unbalanced as we want, but a minimum of healthy expression of love, that most of us have, right? And in many cases in relationships with avoidants, it's not hard to find points to say," Oh, yes,

Speaker A

that's how they loved me. " Yes, I understand. Very difficult, but look, sorry, based on your question— and this is to close things off, right?

Speaker A

Uh, how does an anxious person feel loved, or what do they need to feel loved? Totally logical things.

Speaker A

Receiving frequent attention and contact, perceiving clarity and security, feeling prioritized and important, receiving emotional validation, experiencing consistency.

Speaker A

We aren't asking for crazy things. They do turn a bit crazy sometimes when our emotional wound opens up completely and we lose control, but a priori, all these things are good and healthy in a relationship. We are creating this

Speaker A

today, but my point is that it's not crazy. Hm. Yes. And it's obviously true that an avoidant person doesn't want a flat, cold, and distant relationship either; that's not what they want. No, I'm not saying they want that.

Speaker A

Uh, when they enter a relationship with all that excitement, openness, and freedom, they are enjoying it a lot and would love—just like the anxious or secure person with them—for that feeling to last forever, right? But there are obviously moments where the

Speaker A

avoidant begins to connect with their wound, their insecurity, their discomfort, and starts to close off, close off, close off; and they start living in a kind of apathy, in a way that they aren't uncomfortable because, in the end, it's a disconnection, so

Speaker A

they don't suffer as much, but it's not what they want either. Uh, I wish we could be that conscious and start experimenting and doing things and feeling free, but that will only happen when the avoidant feels so secure in

Speaker A

the relationship that they allow themselves to be themselves, right? Without any fear, just like the anxious person; I mean, in the end, both are looking for the same thing.

Speaker A

Well, don't forget that this is going to be an eight-part series, which we will upload in two episodes per week, right? Come on, let's see if we can do it.

Speaker A

Yes, yes, yes, of course we can. We're going to put our drive and guts into doing it. Two episodes a week, eight episodes total. And well, if our content is useful to you, you can continue with this one or this other

Speaker A

one.

Topics:avoidant attachmentanxious attachmentrelationship dynamicsattachment stylesemotional distancinglove and attachmentrelationship conflictinsecure attachmentcouples therapyemotional expression

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