Speaker A
[clears throat] April 1st, the year was 2005. I was born. I was born into this world by my mom because obviously my dad did something with my mom in order to create me.
Matthew shares his struggles with loneliness, family trauma, and mental health while reflecting on his life at 21 with no clear future plan.
Key Takeaways
- Early childhood trauma and loss can have lasting emotional impacts.
- Close friendships, even online, can provide vital support.
- Mental health stigma often prevents open communication and proper care.
- Family responsibilities can add significant pressure on young adults.
- Hope and self-expression are crucial for coping and healing.
What the video covers
- Matthew was born in 2005 with complications at birth, including the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.
- At age seven, Matthew experienced the trauma of his father’s suicide, which deeply affected his emotional development.
- He has only one close friend, an online friend named Dominic, and they bonded over video games.
- Matthew discusses the challenges of expressing his feelings and the stigma around mental health in his family.
- He has experienced psychiatric care and struggles with understanding his own emotions and future.
- Matthew supports his family financially but feels overwhelmed by their ongoing struggles and complaints.
- He reflects on his family’s hardships, including his grandmother’s illness and his uncle’s unhappy job.
- Matthew shares personal tattoos that symbolize his values and struggles, such as 'no vanity' and 'live life and lost soul.'
- He aims to reach out to young people dealing with self-harm and depression, encouraging them to seek help.
- Throughout the video, Matthew emphasizes the difficulty of moving forward after trauma and the importance of hope.
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
I came out of the womb dead. I actually had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck maybe three, four times. I wasn't like your ordinary baby.
Speaker A
I came out into this world silent, dead, not a peep, obviously not a word, not a movement.
Speaker A
And it was hard for me, you know. Obviously, it wasn't hard for me as a baby because I don't remember that. But growing up, you know, having that in the back of your mind, you know, but I didn't think about it when I was a kid,
Speaker A
you know, not until I was at the age of seven. And at the age of seven, my dad took his own life. And I tried my hardest to deny that fact that he did. So I ask and I wonder and I ponder and I pry
Speaker A
just to get different stories, just to hear different things, different truths. But then some people will tell you, including people that are literally the offspring of my father, just say, "Move on." But how do you move on? How do you move
Speaker A
on knowing that you might have that part of that? How do you move on knowing that that part of his, that part of his brain or the people that have created you is still in you?
Speaker A
And sometimes it's hard to figure it out. It's hard to figure out why do you keep going?
Speaker A
Why do you keep moving forward at this point now? I've aged. As you guys can see, I'm 21 years old. I have one friend. I don't have no friends, but it still stands. My only friend was an online
Speaker A
friend. It is obviously he goes by Dominic. He was on my channel before and I've known him since GTA 5 2013 or 2014 Christmas I think or 2015 Christmas something like that. I think it was 2014 Christmas to be exact. [clears throat]
Speaker A
But my mom put on the mic and she was like, "Hey." And then I started talking away to this random kid and his name was Cryptic at the time. And uh we just talked, talked until one day we
Speaker A
eventually met up and then yeah we became best friends literally ever since. You know we never did drugs together. We never did anything crazy together. We just played video games every day after school and we just had a
Speaker A
good time, you know. And uh sometimes I try to reme sometimes it's hard to remember where that, where that spark went, you know. You know, that the high without the drugs, the high without the high, you know. It's like the video games were
Speaker A
our high. You know, doing funny [ __ ] That was our high. You know, throwing when my boy, my one, my one friend he threw an apple in a yard one time. Never, never, never this is actually I just came in my head threw an
Speaker A
apple out the, out the bus one time and it landed in somebody's yard because he wanted to see if the person would pick it up. [clears throat] It was there for weeks. Every single time you would get on the box, the bus,
Speaker A
the apple would just get more and more rotten and it's just crazy, you know, and you would think at this point that I have some kind of social life going for me, you know, to go to go along with my no
Speaker A
friends but I don't, you know I have some acquaintances, you know, that would like to reach out to me at some point but somebody who I trust 100% with my inner true feelings I only got one person for that, you know
Speaker A
and sometimes even your own ly struggles to understand how you feel, you know, and I understand that, you know, sometimes you'll go into your, you'll talk to your parent, your grandparent, your, your mom, your dad, and you'll tell
Speaker A
them exactly how you feel exactly and then they'll think you're on some kind of drug or they'll think you that you're high or they'll think that you're [ __ ] up, that there's something wrong with your brain. So, what will they do?
Speaker A
They'll throw you in some [ __ ] wacky socks, wacky pants, and they'll throw you in a psych ward or they'll throw you and they'll send you away. I mean, who knows? I mean, I've actually been through O2 before. It's not a fun
Speaker A
experience, you know, blood after blood after blood. Oh, I forgot to do this. Oh, we have to talk to a psych now. You know, it's I've been there, you know, and I'm also someone that doesn't have really a future plan. You know, if you
Speaker A
were to ask me, Matthew, if the phone in front of you didn't exist, you know, if you didn't, you don't have, if you don't have what you have right now, I mean, what would you do? And I think right now
Speaker A
I'm trying to go back to a point where I feel like I have nothing. You know, I want to like not that I have nothing because obviously I have my family, have money saved up because of you guys. I
Speaker A
have no rent because obviously my grandparents are the greatest people in the world. Um I have a car insurance.
Speaker A
It's really it discover bill I mean Discover card that I can buy off of my own will but sometimes my own mother steals from me and buys stuff off of it but it doesn't even matter. Um I try my
Speaker A
best to literally help every single person in my family as much as I possibly can, you know, because I'm the only person with any kind of money, you know. So I help I help I help. I help.
Speaker A
It's never enough. They always cry. They always complain. They always do something wrong or something this.
Speaker A
Everyone's struggling. And then every single day I have to wake up. I have to watch as my uncle goes to work to a FedEx job that he absolutely hates. Then I have to watch as my papa struggles to
Speaker A
take care of my nana because she's going through something that is unbelievably hard to go through. And then I see her struggling and I see her thoughts and how she thinks also these things of my fingers. My sister did them.
Speaker A
It's actually inspiration from Juice WRLD. It says live life and lost soul with a little arrow. It's not a dick. I swear to God. Um, also this I might as well show everything off. This might be backwards, but it's supposed to say no
Speaker A
vanity. And vanity is kind of just like, like vanity is like self-absorbed, you know, like narcissism, but like narcissistic, but no vanity. It's the opposite of vanity, you know, like not expressing vanity. I don't even know why I'm even saying this to you guys, but
Speaker A
this is just something new that happened. This happened yesterday. But that was for my sister, you, you know, for my family, you know, but the whole point of this video is that I want to get out there and I want to try to talk
Speaker A
to the 18, 17, 16. I mean, I know that self-harm starts at the age of 10 to 12.
Speaker A
You know, depression starts at even eight, latest of age nine, eight years old sometimes even, you know. I mean, it depends on what you go through, you know. I mean me I had at 7 years old I seen, um, my dad hanging there and then I
Speaker A
had to watch as my papa pumped his chest and I seen him throw up in his mouth, you know, and as I talked to my papa obviously later in life, you know, he told me every detail and all these different
Speaker A
things like when he threw open his mouth he thought he got him, you know, but as a seven-year-old kid I didn't have words, you know, I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to express myself, you know especially whenever you get taken
Speaker A
away from that said situation and you go to another spot and then they tell you the exact opposite of what is happening, you know, they tell you that everything's going to be fine, your dad's coming home, everything's going to
Speaker A
be just, just chill. And then just to see that you never actually seen your dad again. And what's the last memory you even have of him anyway? Um, the fact that he was doing a spelling bee with me, you know, a spelling bee inside my
Speaker A
uh in my kitchen, you know, and every time I got a word right, he would throw the [ __ ] tablet as hard as he can across the room and he would scream, "Let's [ __ ] go, Matthew." Like he
Speaker A
would like curse and it would be super high energy and I would feel good about it. I would feel amazing about it, you know? I'd feel absolutely amazing.
Speaker A
And then I think another part of the day that same day we went to Sam's Club, you know, and I think I might have told the story before, but it was super hyper,
Speaker A
is that's why it's hard to actually know what the hell happened that day, you know, cuz drugs could have been involved. Then someone tells me they seen the autopsy report and that the doctors told him that there was no drugs
Speaker A
in the system, but then there's other people who said they vividly seen him taking drugs that day. I mean, you do not I don't know what to think. My head like even right now talking about it, it's scrambled. It hurts right now. And
Speaker A
I know some of you guys maybe relate, you know, to something that is unknown, you know, but you can't just get over it. Okay, I'm gonna be honest. You know, there's gonna be people out there that are gonna say, "Oh, just get over it.
Speaker A
Just get over it. Just get over it." But when it's something that deep, when it comes down to a family member, I mean, sure, you can get over an ex, you know, get how to get over another is I mean,
Speaker A
how to get over one is to get under another. But it doesn't work there, you know. You know, and I guarantee if you were to get some people alone, like let's say my nana, you know, who had to watch her
Speaker A
sister overdose in her arms and had to bury her Christmas Eve and had to miss Christmas Eve, I guarantee that bites.
Speaker A
You know, that takes away a part of you that you can no longer get back. My [ __ ] hair.
Speaker A
I need a haircut. Oh, Jesus. It's okay that I just live inside my bedroom with my broken ceiling. It's not even like I go outside anyway, you know? That's I really don't, you know, when was the last time I went
Speaker A
somewhere to actually get something? The dispensary cuz I have a med. Uh I just got Walmart. I just picked up some fire shirts from Walmart.
Speaker A
That's literally about it, bro. Other than that, my my life is just wake up, try to eat because I feel like sometimes I try to [ __ ] starve myself just to not eat for some reason, just to be able
Speaker A
to preserve food for others, you know, and maybe partially to I don't know, maybe because I think I'm fat. I don't know, you know. But still, it all goes back to the whole point of thinking that you're nothing.
Speaker A
Thinking that you have nothing going for you, thinking that you're not going to be able to get it done. Thinking that why not you?
Speaker A
You know, I promise you, if if you have one if you have even one or two of these four traits, you could definitely succeed. If you're hardworking, if you're intelligent, if you're creative, if you're passionate, if you're [ __ ]
Speaker A
a risk taker, man, you could do something with one of those things, you know?
Speaker A
You could do it. You just have to believe that you can. My name is Matthew. I'm a random ass kid. I got bullied in school. I was picked last and [ __ ] everything.
Speaker A
People even [ __ ] forgot my name and I went to school with them for [ __ ] god holy knows how long, you I went when COVID happened and I stopped going to school for two years. [ __ ] people
Speaker A
thought I was dead. People didn't even care. They thought I was dead. I don't know if that was a joke, but they thought I was dead, you know? And that's the actual truth, people. That's the actual truth. You
Speaker A
know, a tree is only noticed when it falls. You know, nobody cares about you until you're actually gone. Nobody cares about the problems that you have went through until you're actually gone. You know, mental health will take absolutely
Speaker A
everything away from you, your friends, your family, your [ __ ] possessions, until eventually it will take your own life that it's hard, you know, but if you right now on the other screen or, you know, you clicked
Speaker A
on this video for a reason, you know, you might relate to what some of the things I'm saying here, but I want to let you know that regardless of your age, young, old, cuz anybody could watch this video and
Speaker A
relate to the things I'm saying here possibly even maybe sometimes some people even think I'm [ __ ] crazy which is fine you know because that's the truth you know I am [ __ ] crazy you know I feel like I have something
Speaker A
[ __ ] attached to me inside of my bones that is physically bringing me down and when someone ever tell when someone just tells me to turn it off it doesn't make any sense because it hasn't turned off since the day I [ __ ] woke
Speaker A
up and I can tell you the exact day I woke up I woke up when my [ __ ] ex-girlfriend broke up with me because that's when I started seeing the world for what it really [ __ ] was because
Speaker A
in my before I was until I before I woke up, dude. I just thought everything was [ __ ] fantasy. I thought I was living in a world where everything was fake and I was the only real human being. And the
Speaker A
more suffering that I went through, the more [ __ ] things that happened to me, just like the movies, the better outcome I would have. And boom, bada bing, bada boom, something good happened. I'm talking about the girl. And then it all
Speaker A
blew up in my [ __ ] face. And then what did Matthew decide? Didn't have enough money for college.
Speaker A
Didn't have an idea. doesn't have a skill. He's not [ __ ] passionate about anything.
Speaker A
But I've always thought outside the box. I've always thought deeply. I've always thought of things that other people seem to walk away from or run away from sometimes, like death, like failure.
Speaker A
You know, I'll make a video about this, but I'll say this now. Don't fear failure.
Speaker A
Be afraid of never even having the chance to. And maybe one day you'll see because it takes somebody a very long time to realize how miserable that they really are.
Speaker A
But it takes that same person even longer to realize that it never had to be that way.
Speaker A
You finally let go of everything. When you finally let go, that's when you can start being who you really want to be.
Speaker A
And it doesn't mean you have to put on some kind of [ __ ] circus monkey act.
Speaker A
What are you good at? If you were to die tomorrow, what is it that the world wants that you need to hear and do it and don't stop? Hang out with the people while they're still here.
Speaker A
Appreciate the [ __ ] annoying things because one day they won't be around. The same story that your grandfather grandmother tells over and over [ __ ] again that [ __ ] pains you in your goddamn brain. One day you're going to
Speaker A
[ __ ] wish wish deep down in your goddamn bones that you could just hear it one more time like my dog rubble.
Speaker A
His bark went right through me. But I would do [ __ ] anything to hear that [ __ ] bark or to run away one more time.
Speaker A
Life is hard, okay? When you're a kid, they try to make it seem like it sunshines and rainbows and that everything is going to be okay.
Speaker A
But as you get older, you start to realize that [clears throat] you have to take control.
Speaker A
And if you don't, then that's exactly what the elites and this world wants from you. They want you to be beaten down. They want you to [ __ ] praise heaven more than life.
Speaker A
They want you to [ __ ] work a job until the [ __ ] day that your [ __ ] bones start to break.
Speaker A
Then when eventually when you are able to retire, you're not able to enjoy it because your [ __ ] body is broken and battered and your mind is even more [ __ ] destroyed because of all the [ __ ] you've been through and still have
Speaker A
to go to work. That's why I strive. That's why I believe deep down in my [ __ ] bones that I could do something. That I can make something change. That I can make a change in this world. That I could I
Speaker A
could do something. Some will tell you that you can't change the world. That it's impossible.
Speaker A
[snorts] But I'll leave you with this. If you could some [ __ ] hell change you, change the way you act, [snorts] then you can change the world.
Speaker A
Your world that is. And Matthew, I'm a 21-year-old loser who has no friends, has no social life, and has no [ __ ] future plans for goddamn anything, and no will to survive, no will to live, no will to do anything at
Speaker A
all. But yet, here I am, trying. And maybe that's all the universe has ever asked for.
Speaker A
Because against all odds, you may not know why you're here. You may not know your purpose. Nobody [ __ ] does.
Speaker A
Anyone who claims that they do is selling a lie. My god is more stronger than your god.
Speaker A
This and that. Christopher Columbus when he [ __ ] predicted a solar [ __ ] eclipse and then had the [ __ ] whatever the [ __ ] give him all of his food. So they [ __ ] died.
Speaker A
[snorts] This world is very real. There is no proof of life after death. Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to have to die to be there.
Speaker A
There has to be an equivalent equivalent exchange. [snorts] in exchange for something of higher value, something of equal value, must be lost.
Speaker A
[snorts] So, I'll tell you right now, [clears throat] if you're any age, today is the day you start. Not tomorrow, not the next day, not next week, not next month. It's got to be today. Cry if you have to. Scream if you
Speaker A
[ __ ] have to. Sometimes it feels like the fate of your fate of the world, the fate of [ __ ] everybody is on your shoulders, [snorts] but it's not.
Speaker A
It's so hard to believe that it's not. Your responsibility is not to save everybody around you.
Speaker A
Even though so badly you want to, you can't. But [ __ ] you wish you could.
Speaker A
So you watch him struggle. So you make a way. You make a path so that the people after you won't have to.
Speaker A
The same way that my nana and papa worked their [ __ ] dick off for me to be able to sit here right now today on a random [ __ ] Monday where last year on a snap memory I was going
Speaker A
into work until about 7:00 8:00. [snorts] I know I was not late like some other people but 9 to5 was [ __ ] hell for me. I could not do it. And when some people and when people come up to me, I
Speaker A
mean, and when people tell me like my friend Dom say that they can't do nine to fives, I understand.
Speaker A
Neither could I. I mean, every [ __ ] day all I could think about was the video I uploaded.
Speaker A
And that motivated me to [ __ ] slip flip and make the sandwiches just to come home and see that the video [ __ ] wasn't it. Because I was wondering how the [ __ ] do YouTubers do it.
Speaker A
But I'll tell you, not just how YouTubers do it, but how everyone [ __ ] does it.
Speaker A
You give up everything and you go all into something. No plan B, no plan C.
Speaker A
This is it. Yes, you will live off hopes and dreams. Yes, I will [ __ ] eat them. Maybe you don't want to eat, but bills are coming.
Speaker A
Rent is coming. Food needs to be bought. Water needs to be bought. Cigarettes needs to be bought. Alcohol needs to be bought.
Speaker A
So you go and you continue to do [ __ ] that you don't want to do.
Speaker A
You have been the viewer. I've been the guy making the video. I hope you guys enjoyed.
Speaker A
And I want to say that uh this whole year has been absolute shitty for me.
Speaker A
[snorts] And I do want to live stream. I do want to make videos. I do want to be the greatest YouTuber to ever do it.
Speaker A
But I'm going to do it my way. Like I've been saying since the very beginning, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices along the way as well. You know, I didn't know some of these things.
Speaker A
There's a lot of things. It's kind of like an iceberg. You see the top, but you don't see the bottom.
Speaker A
Like, as soon as you get your first dollar, first 100, you start to realize that there level that there's levels or you get your first thousand views, your first 100,000 views, and you realize there's levels.
Speaker A
You get your first one subscriber, 10 subscriber, thousand subscribers, you realize there's levels. You start dribbling the ball. You start shooting the ball. You start realizing that there's levels. You start [ __ ] running with the ball. You start realiz
Speaker A
You start realizing that there's levels. This is really it. My dad never told me this, but I did see this on the TikTok.
Speaker A
I know that you, yes, [ __ ] you, have a fifth gear that you can kick into, okay? Because you may not be able to be the best, the greatest, but I promise you can keep up.
Speaker A
You just got to try. Really [ __ ] try. I'm talking to you. You will not live in a hole anymore.
Speaker A
Thank you guys for listening to my rant. [clears throat] Thank you guys for watching me.
Speaker A
And thank you guys for literally saving my entire [ __ ] life, my soul, my bones, my [ __ ] spirit, whatever the [ __ ] you want to call it.
Speaker A
But what I'll call it is you have changed my real true earth grounding reality.
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And I owe you guys all my limbs and my [ __ ] all my organs.
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And what have I been giving in return? Nothing. laying on my bed knowing that I have no bills, sleeping my days away just to get my family to yell at me and call me lazy and stuff. Sacrificing my
Speaker A
mental health, but no more. Not anymore. I love you guys. I do. Not in a sexual way. Not like I want to suck your dick or eat your cooch.
Speaker A
But you guys have to realize that you guys are the ones, you are the one, in fact, just you specifically are the exact factor that makes things what they are today.
Speaker A
You see, we will be the first generation to see it, and we will be the last generation to be able to stop it.
Speaker A
So, what do you want for your future? And I'm not just talking career or moneywise.
Speaker A
Talking out for your life. Stay positive. Enjoy your day, night, evening. And I'm going to press this little red button because that's how it works.
Topics:mental healthlonelinesssuicidefamily traumafriendshipself-harmdepressionyoung adult struggleshopepersonal story
