Speaker A
Tears off through. Use that as a mini slugger. Tears off through double dash dark forest.
Learn how to write visceral, cinematic action lines with expert tips from Scriptfella, focusing on rhythm, voice, and vivid imagery in screenwriting.
Key Takeaways
- Keep action lines concise and visually clear by placing nouns close to verbs.
- Vary sentence length and rhythm to create a dynamic and engaging reading experience.
- Use vivid, specific imagery to build tone and atmosphere effectively.
- Avoid unnecessary adverbs and filler words to maintain pace and impact.
- Capitalize selectively to emphasize important moments without overwhelming the script.
Summary
- The video is a live class excerpt where Scriptfella critiques and improves action lines in a screenplay.
- Focus on creating visceral, cinematic descriptions that engage readers and actors alike.
- Advice on tightening prose by keeping nouns close to verbs and avoiding unnecessary adverbs or filler words.
- Emphasis on mixing sentence rhythm with short and long sentences to maintain reader interest.
- Use of vivid, specific imagery to enhance tone, mood, and character introduction.
- Discussion on the importance of narrative voice, especially in comedy and genre writing.
- Suggestions to avoid over-capitalization unless emphasizing key moments or visuals.
- Encouragement to create strong, memorable character intros and clear visual beats.
- Highlighting the importance of pacing and timing without explicitly stating time markers.
- Tips on balancing genre expectations with deeper themes and character-driven storytelling.
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
This is a recording taken from a free live [clears throat] class that I give from time to time to my email subscribers. Let's get stuck in.
Speaker A
[groaning] Carrie Lee, come in. Carrie Lee, where are you? Carrie Lee, are you here?
Speaker A
Yeah, I'm here. Hi. Hello, Carrie. So, I mean, you had me at rat bastards. Actually, I think this is a great title. When a former combat medic decides to lead a group of misfits into battle against a colony of mutant
Speaker A
rats, she approaches the job like she approaches life, stoned, armed, and angry. I mean, what's not to like? You got a mic drop here. I think this is so good it deserves its own sentence. A former combat medic leads a group of
Speaker A
misfits into battle against a colony of mutant rats. I mean, that's already awesome. And then if you need that second sentence, she approaches the mission like she approaches life stoned, armed, and angry. I'm in [clears throat] rat bastards. How are the first couple
Speaker A
of pages? Do we feel it? Canyon Road night. A stout guy, 20s, longish hair flopping into his face, clumps up the dark road, carrying a squirming burlap bag and singing in mock angelic Rihanna style. I'm not going to attempt to
Speaker A
imitate Rihanna. I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine. Got a sunroof top and a gangster lean. He suddenly hears yowling and rustling from the roadside bushes. He glances at them and quickly crosses the road. He looks back.
Speaker A
Oh, what the [ __ ] And darts into the woods. Stout guy, eyes wild, crouches behind a boulder, listening, hyperventilating, trying not to make a sound. A tiny muffled bark rises from the burlap sack in his hand. He pulls it to his chest.
Speaker A
Sh. Then he hears leaves crunching. Getting closer. [ __ ] He jumps up and tears off through the dark forest canyon and hillside. A few moments later, stout guy last ran in grade school, but whatever's chasing him offers stellar
Speaker A
motivation. He's flying. He jumps over a log and looks back. His eyes go sky wide. What the [ __ ] He runs on, a blur of speed and self-preservation. The burlap bag bouncing against him. The crunching is getting closer. He runs on
Speaker A
panicked. Then he sees a house light up ahead. Yes, new life, new speed. This improbably fleshy dude is breaking records now. When he's almost at the house, he looks back and trips. He slams down and the burlap bag bounces away.
Speaker A
The bag wriggles. After a moment, Grace, a beige Chihuahua, pokes her head out of the bag, terrified. Grace's glossy black eyes reflect a wave of small, dark forms thundering towards them. Then stout guy screams agonized as the forest fills
Speaker A
with the sounds of horrific frenzy chewing and blood splatters across Grace's popeyed face fade to black.
Speaker A
What a load of fun. This is kind of monster movie. It's Tremors. We're in horror comedy kind of zone.
Speaker A
Quiet. Quiet. What's your background, Carrie? I started out in journalism and then went and got some education in literature. So, I've kind of been doing writing story.
Speaker A
You've got a mission statement on your website, haven't you? Yeah, I'm pretty mission-driven. Um, I like genres. Um, I like to meet genre expectations, but then go deeper with themes and character. I've got it here.
Speaker A
Carrie Lee writes provocative, character-driven comedies that explore everything from social alienation to ecological collapse. So, what I love is you know what your lane is. Provocative, character-driven comedies. If this takes off and you get a meeting with an agent
Speaker A
or a manager, they'll know where to put you because they know what your lane is.
Speaker A
And this is a big subject, but uh I did read your website and I thought, right, okay, Kerry's got her brand in line, but what about her writing? So, stout guy.
Speaker A
Look at the distance between the noun and the verb. He clumps up the dark road. There's a lot going on in the sentence. We've got his hair, his face, he's clumping, and the most important thing is the bag. And before we've even
Speaker A
had a full stop, he's singing. So, he's clumping, he's carrying, and he's singing, I'd suggest that maybe we just give the reader a little bit of space to take in the visual. So, if you say a stout guy clumps up the dark road,
Speaker A
longish hair flopping into his face, I can see that. And then, you know, he carries a squirming burlap bag, singing in mock angelic Rihanna style. So, this is an awesome character intro for the guy who's going to die hard. He suddenly
Speaker A
hears. We don't need suddenly. Now, do you need to say he hears? Can we make the sound the subject? Something yows and rustles in the roadside bushes.
Speaker A
He glances at them. Quickly [clears throat] crosses. So, there's crosses is not very um he crosses the road. It's a neutral verb. So, we've given it a bit of speed by giving it the adverb. But if you're in the Stephen
Speaker A
King business, you don't use the quickly. He dashes across the road. He looks back. What the [ __ ] Dance into the woods. Often writers cover their scripts with capitalization and it in the wrong type of movie. It
Speaker A
gets in the way. But actually, I think yours works, Carrie. It's that sort of Zombieland feel. Your tone is comedy and explosive. So, I think it works. Okay.
Speaker A
Stout guy. Eyes wild. Try and keep the noun close to the verb. Stout guy crouches behind a boulder. That's the wide shot or the medium closeup. Eyes wild listening. So just flip them round.
Speaker A
Hyperventilating is a typo. Trying not to make a sound. If you have a character who's trying upgrade that word, it's a little trick to struggling or fighting.
Speaker A
Tiny muffled bark pulls it. Shush. I This is great. We've got the conflict. Sugar cube is on the page here. And then there's another one because we've got a cute animal in danger. Wonderful. Then he hears, "You don't need to time it."
Speaker A
He hears leaves crunching, getting closer, jumps up, tears off through the dark forest. A few moments later, now we don't need to time things.
Speaker A
A few moments later, tears off through. Use that as a mini slugger. Tears off through double dash dark forest. Look at the voice here. That's the thing that we're looking for in a comedy because I know that Kerry's funny based on a
Speaker A
description that is not going to actually be used by actors. There's no dialogue there. Stout guy last round in grade school, but whatever's chasing him offers stellar motivation. He's flying.
Speaker A
Look at the rhythm of that. The way that Car's mixing up little sentence fragments, longer voicy bits, runs on a blur of speed and self-preservation.
Speaker A
And then, does this need to be capitalized? Maybe, maybe not. If you capitalize something, you're saying to the reader, "This is more important than the stuff that isn't capitalized." The crunching is getting closer. That's a bit flat. The crunches close in. Runs on
Speaker A
panicked. Don't need the then. New life, new speed. How about that for a little bit of changing up the rhythm? This is something that's a massive part of the Script Fellow program. Looking at narrative voice, short little sentences,
Speaker A
longer sentences. It's a pleasure to read rather than he does this, he does this, he does this. Repetition of rhythm is the enemy of a good read. You want to mix it up. New life, new speed. That sounds like it could be one of Joshua's
Speaker A
little ad slogans. This improbably fleshy dude is breaking records now. Oh my goodness. Awesome. Don't need after a moment. Don't time it. Grace. I don't know why she's in caps. Is this Grace going to reappear or does she get eaten?
Speaker A
Yeah, Grace is kind of a pivotal thing appears at the end. Okay. Grace's glossy black eyes reflect a wave. Now, this is very cinematic.
Speaker A
I think this is so awesome. I put a double dash or something. I think this needs to be its own image. Glossy black eyes reflect a wave of small dark. Small I'm not a fan of small, but you do need
Speaker A
the size. Another adjective for small dark forms. A small dark form is not very menacing.
Speaker A
Somebody just said low dark forms. That's I think that was Stephanie. That was a great suggestion. Screams agonized. Don't
Speaker A
Fantastic. Great stuff, Carrie. Job done. Really good writing. Our job is to replicate the excitement that the audience will feel when we've got cameras, lights, movie stars. And I think this script does it. [screaming] If you're enjoying this class, I've got
Speaker A
a Scooby sense that you're going to absolutely love my free 50-minute master class, seven mistakes stopping you getting an agent. It's essentially a taster class for my paid program, the Script Fellow Program. But there are a ton of valuable actionable techniques
Speaker A
that you can take away today. So, click on the link and get stuck in. Script Fella out.
Topics:screenwriting tipsaction linescinematic writingscript editingnarrative voicescreenplay pacingcharacter introductiongenre writingwriting rhythmScriptfella
