Speaker A
Your log line is the most important sentence you will ever write. It's the first sentence that anybody will read from you. And whether they read a second sentence is dependent on how this first sentence reads. And it's not easy.
Scriptfella analyzes why a screenplay's opening loses readers, focusing on log lines, scene clarity, and writing techniques.
Key Takeaways
- A strong, clear log line is essential to hook readers instantly.
- Visual descriptions should be easy to follow and presented in logical sequence.
- Avoid repeated words in close proximity to maintain smooth reading.
- Minimize adverbs and unnecessary adjectives to strengthen prose.
- Clear, concise writing improves reader engagement and comprehension.
Summary
- The log line is the most critical sentence to hook readers and determine if they continue reading.
- The video reviews a screenplay titled 'Jingle Spells,' aimed at a Netflix Christmas movie niche.
- Scriptfella critiques the screenplay's opening scene for unclear imagery and awkward phrasing.
- He highlights common writing issues like overuse of adverbs, close proximity of repeated words, and confusing sentence structure.
- The importance of sequencing visual elements clearly to help readers visualize the scene is emphasized.
- Suggestions include simplifying descriptions, avoiding unnecessary adjectives, and improving flow by removing conjunctions like 'until'.
- The video promotes a free 50-minute masterclass on common mistakes that prevent writers from getting agents.
- Scriptfella advises ditching most adverbs and keeping nouns close to verbs for clearer writing.
- He praises creative elements like character names and unique imagery but stresses the need for reader-friendly execution.
- The overall goal is to make the screenplay opening friction-free and engaging to capture reader interest immediately.
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
Welcome to the Script Fella replay. This is a recording taken from a free live class that I give from time to time to my email subscribers. Let's get stuck in.
Speaker A
[bell] Okay, Joshua, have you been a copywriter at all? Did I make that up? You have, because I think I can see some copywriting here. Let's have a look at this. First of all, title, Jingle Spells.
Speaker A
Fantastic. It's intended for a Netflix Christmas-type film. This is perfect. A Christmas-obsessed alpha mom believes she's hit the jackpot when she finds a magic wand that lets her every selfish Christmas wish be granted. I think this
Speaker A
is delicious. I can see it. I can see them marketing it. I can see it next year on Netflix based on the log line.
Speaker A
Let's see what the execution looks like. It lets her every selfish wish be granted. I think that can grant her every selfish Christmas wish. I'm thinking about that, but I put it in the comments. Let's road a test for
Speaker A
Joshua here. Which version of this reads less bumpy? So I think that this, you know, if I'm in the business of making Netflix Christmas movies and it's a great little niche and you say, "Yeah, what's it
Speaker A
called?" Jingle Spells. I'm in. What about the execution? So our first line in our screenplay is our business card.
Speaker A
As writers. A Christmas market at night. Tinsel stalls. Covers tied down. A bunch of fat red bble balloons tug and fret in the cold breeze which taunts them with flecks of snow. The ribbon on one balloon unravels with each tag or tug
Speaker A
until it wriggles free of its brothers, jerking free and up into the frosty winter sky. It ascends fast through swirls of snow. Gusty squalls until the pinprick stars emerge clear as needle points in the curtain of night. The
Speaker A
balloon seems to hang in the air. The radiant full moon lights the majestic curve of the earth until whoosh, a small sleigh, sporting a log-topped prison cell and red and blue flashing lights, barrel rolls past sending the
Speaker A
disoriented balloon spinning out of frame. It's siren wails. Santa, Santa. Neon sparks emit crazily from a magic wand that a hoodie grogu-like figure and an elf in a police cap struggle over.
Speaker A
The sleigh abruptly banks up and the siren fades. Silence. Then plunging past and falling fast. A base jumping grimp. A base jumping grimp. Big eyes. Green fur. Brown claws. A cute furry enemy of everything good about Christmas. And it's carrying the
Speaker A
sparking wand. Its big ears unfold in the wind, pulling it back upwards. Unfortunately, the wind really blows and the magic wand is ripped away, spinning into the darkness. The grimp cartwheels in the jetstreams and falls. The wand impacts into a deep pile of snow slush
Speaker A
at the side of a road. It sparks briefly red, then goes out. Blue smoke gently wisps from the top star. So, what an opening this is. Is it friction-free?
Speaker A
I think there's a couple of places where it could be smoother. Let's talk about the budget. If you think as every word is a dollar, how many dollars are we going to spend on this before we get to
Speaker A
the sugar cube, which is this? I think the imagery, a Christmas market at night, that's a really clear overall wide shot and my head is doing a lot of the work. I'm seeing all of this stalls covers tied down. I had to think what
Speaker A
does that [clears throat] mean? It's closed. And then we've got bble balloons. They tug and fret and the cold breeze which taunts them with flecks of snow. I'm not seeing the frame. If you say bble balloons tug and fret in the
Speaker A
cold breeze, the ribbon on one balloon unravels with each tug. I guess you don't generally need to time things. I talked about the as disease where we're saying one thing's happening at the same time as something else. There's another
Speaker A
one, the until disease. I do this until I do this. Or I pick my nose until I fire my weapon. Much better. Script Fella picks his nose, fires his weapon. Just right in sequence, I would suggest. So, we don't need the until. We've got a
Speaker A
close proximity warning. We've used the word free twice next to each other. Oh my goodness, I'm getting tweaked here.
Speaker A
What is a close proximity warning? It's when you use the same word in close proximity again. So, do we need to upgrade that language? This is panicky.
Speaker A
Panicky. I just think this is all good, but what is actually happening here? Christmas market tinsel stalls. You might be able to start with the wind blows. Wind howls through a shuttered Christmas market. This is not I'm not
Speaker A
saying write this. This is not me rewriting you, but perhaps start with the wind. The wind will lead us through there and then tug and assault these balloons as you've got it. And one of them jerks free and goes up.
Speaker A
Wonderful. Now, do we need the balloon seems to hang in the air? Probably not.
Speaker A
There's the until. So, it does this until this. A small sleigh. Why? Why a small one as opposed to a big one? Do we need that adjective? And here is the one massive bump I had. This is an
Speaker A
extraordinary image. And it's enclosed with a couple of hyphens. So, a small sleigh. Hold that in. I don't know what the small sleigh is doing yet. And then this is what type of sleigh it is. It's log-topped. What's a log-topped prison
Speaker A
cell in red? I can't see it. It's awesome. I think try and keep your nouns close to your verbs. A sleigh barrel rolls past. Somehow find a way to curate this because it's an incredible image, but it's
Speaker A
sort of sandwiched between all this scene geography and movement. And at this point, my projector as a reader is just I'm just overloaded here.
Speaker A
If you're enjoying this class, I've got a Scooby sense that you're going to absolutely love my free 50-minute master class. Seven mistakes stopping you getting an agent. It's essentially a taster class for my paid program, the Script Fellow Program. But there are a
Speaker A
ton of valuable actionable techniques that you can take away today. So, click on the link and get stuck in. And now we are going to plunge back into the live dive. Love the world building here. And then here again, this is something.
Speaker A
There are so many images here. Neon sparks emit crazily from a magic wand that a hooded grogu-like figure and an elf in a police cap struggle over. So, I've got to read that sentence. And it's only when I get to the end of the sentence
Speaker A
that I can understand what the image is. So, this is just a little takeaway.
Speaker A
The mind of the reader can only see what you see in the order that you give it to them. And if you want to engage them, you generally want them to see the frames one by one rather than read a sentence,
Speaker A
understand it, and then reverse engineer it into an image. And the reason why I can't see this is the noun. You've got neon sparks as the first noun, and a magic wand is the second noun. The magic wand is the movie. It needs its
Speaker A
a character. It needs its own introduction. At the moment, we've got neon sparks from a magic wand, which by the way, a hooded a grog-like figure is awesome. An elf in a police cap is awesome, but the noun, they're
Speaker A
struggling over the wand. So, I think this needs to be completely rewritten. [clears throat] It's awesome, but it's not awesome for the reader. It's a sort of six out of 10 where I think it's going to be great, but I'm not feeling
Speaker A
it. Uh, generally you can ditch every single adverb that you've got or most of them. It's not illegal to use adverbs, but I'm with Stephen King on this. That the road to hell is paved with adverbs.
Speaker A
The sleigh banks and the siren fades. Grimp G1. I mean, what a character's name that is. Then we don't you could say then. I mean, that's like a you're timing it, but who's plunging past? This is what I call is the clause opening.
Speaker A
When you're reading this, what are you seeing then? Plunging past and falling fast. At that point in the sentence, I have no idea what I'
Speaker A
grimp. For goodness sake, [gasps] how cool is that? You know what? Can you see if you say a base jumping grimp plunges past and you don't need and falling fur probably a comma big eyes green fur brown claws and then here is the voice a
Speaker A
cute furry enemy of everything good about Christmas and then this bit and it is so that's a typo if it it is it's apostrophe s if It's possessive. It's its its big ears unfurl. I think you call it again.
Speaker A
What's it called? It's called a a grimp. So the grimp's big ears unfurl, pulling it back upwards. Unfortunately, the wind really blows. Great voice. This is storytelling.
Speaker A
Magic wand is ripped away, spinning into the darkness. Cartwheels in the jetream and falls and the wand impacts into a deep pile of snow slush. And then at the end, we get at the side of a road. Don't
Speaker A
rely on slug lines. I would suggest to deliver visuals. I can't see the Budfield shopping street from a slug line. And the faster your script reads and the better your script is, the more likely the reader is to
Speaker A
skip, you know, the instruction manual uh slug lines. So, a deep pile of slush.
Speaker A
I think I need to know where we are. We're in the Budfield shopping street.
Speaker A
And I just love this. It's sparse, briefly red, then goes out. Okay, goes out. You could say it goes out. It could snap out. It could blink out. Blue smoke.
Speaker A
Get rid of the gently whisping [clears throat] from the top star. I mean, it's fantastic, but it's not optimized for the reader, but when it is, it's going to be awesome. Plunging from the sky. Another clause opening where we haven't got a noun. You say the
Speaker A
grim plunges from the sky, hits its head on the top of a giant Santa type figure dressed in Confederate clothing with a sack on his back. So there's only so much my mind can take in. And every little description, I'm having to
Speaker A
reassess what the frame is. I can see the grimp plunges from the sky and hits its head on a giant Santa figure or a Santa statue or a Santa something or other. But dressed in Confederate clothing with a sack on his back, I've
Speaker A
got to see him plunge. I've got to see him hit his head. I've got to see a Santa figure, which by the way has Confederate clothing and a sack on his back. So my projector is shortcircuiting as a reader. It's like too much
Speaker A
overload. Your words are like Morse code. It's duh, short, long. It's data. And what we do here, we're writing cinematically, is we give the reader data, and that data turns into pictures and sounds, and you need to not give too much data to the reader at
Speaker A
once, or they won't be able to keep up with all of this stuff coming in.
Speaker A
Ho ho ho all the way. Now, I really want to look at this character in Joe because this is a it's a wakeup scene. Does it defy my rule of generally wake up scenes or toast breakfast scenes are flat and
Speaker A
boring? Peeking through Santa red curtains. [clears throat] A modernistic yet bohemian chic bedroom. Wooden double bed. A man and a woman sleep. Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho all the way. The electronic alarm clock screen flashes, silver bells ringing. Estelle
Speaker A
Wilson eyes flick wide open. She smiles a beatific yet mildly manic smile. It's Christmas Eve. She turns to her sleeping husband whose eye mask has 8bit pixel eyes on it. Nason, wake up. There's so much to do. She bounds out of bed, dons
Speaker A
a black with Bbble's dressing gown, and disappears. Kids, time to get up. I think this is a great character introduction. She's absolutely Christmas mad. She's the perfect character to give this magic wand to. Peeking through Santa red curtains, probably as a comma,
Speaker A
a modernistic yet bohemian chic bedroom, wooden double bed. I It took me a while to see that. A man and a woman come up with a better collective noun than a man and a woman. Might be a married couple.
Speaker A
And we don't need it to echoes. Uh [clears throat] we don't need it to voice over. It's not a voiceover. A voiceover is Good Fellas.
Speaker A
As far back as I could remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. [music] Silver bells and ringing. There's probably her eyes flick wide open.
Speaker A
Mildly manic. Just with that, I understand that she's absolutely obsessed with Christmas and this sort of thing. It's a bit like here comes Johnny Christmas Eve. She turns to a sleeping husband who's I think that's a typo. Has
Speaker A
8bit pixels. Nathan, wake up. So much to do. Kids, kids, time to get up. So awesome across the board. All of these scripts have got something, but you are thinking cinematically.
Speaker A
You're thinking visually. You've got a fantastic log line. This is a movie. If you can keep it going for 90 odd pages, it doesn't need to be 120 pages. When you have a whopping great big premise like this, it buys you so much latitude.
Speaker A
Logg lines have to have ideally what my copywriting friend actually talked about for clients. So, they've got to have a a handle where if you're in advertising and you're pitching an idea to a client, you give them the idea and the client
Speaker A
can take the idea because it's got a handle and it's really easy to give it to somebody else. And a lot of log lines feel written. You'd never be able to repeat them because they're not portable. They're not sharable. And I
Speaker A
think that this log line is is incredibly sharable and the [music] title is lifting 50% of it. So, thank you for sharing, Joshua. Absolutely [music] awesome.
Topics:screenplay writinglog linescript analysisscreenwriting tipsstorytellingwriting clarityScriptfellaNetflix Christmas moviewriting masterclassscreenplay critique
