Speaker A
What have you done? Have you had some bites with this? Yeah, I've gotten like seven producers that are possibly looking at it, but no word yet in the last maybe.
Scriptfella analyzes a comedy TV pilot script, focusing on scene structure, conflict, and pitch techniques for screenwriters.
Key Takeaways
- A clear, relatable elevator pitch helps executives quickly understand and connect with your script.
- Conflict should be introduced early to engage viewers and develop characters effectively.
- Avoid clichés and passive descriptions; use vivid, active language to bring scenes and characters to life.
- Visual imagery is important but should be fresh and purposeful to avoid feeling derivative.
- Access to producers is often about networking and persistence, not just script quality.
Summary
- The video is a replay of a free live class by Scriptfella, focusing on screenwriting mistakes and script analysis.
- A comedy TV show pilot titled 'Rough Seas' is analyzed, about a retired pilot and his reluctant menopausal wife moving from Colorado to Florida Keys.
- The importance of a strong elevator pitch is emphasized, using examples like 'Schitt's Creek on the water' and 'Jaws in Space' for clarity.
- Detailed scene breakdown highlights character introduction, setting, and conflict as essential elements in the opening scene.
- Visual imagery and unique details like firecrackers and sprinklers are praised for creating atmosphere but cautioned against clichés.
- Character descriptions are critiqued, especially the use of generic terms like 'attractive' and passive phrasing.
- Conflict is described as the 'nitroglycerin' of a script, crucial for engaging the audience and introducing characters effectively.
- The video offers actionable screenwriting tips and promotes a free 50-minute masterclass on common mistakes preventing writers from getting agents.
- Scriptfella provides feedback on dialogue, pacing, and character dynamics to improve the script's emotional and narrative impact.
- The analysis includes suggestions for tightening prose and enhancing character voice and motivation.
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
Whoa. Whoa. Back it up. Back it up. Okay. So, what is your process for getting seven producers to read you? Because so many people I know say, "Oh, the problem is I can't get access." It's not the writing, it's
Speaker A
the access. How do you get access? Welcome to the Script Feller replay. This is a recording taken from a free live class that I give from time to time to my email subscribers.
Speaker A
Let's get stuck in. So, Rough Seas, this is a comedy TV show. Yeah. Yeah, it's a comedy hopefully. A retired pilot convinces his reluctant menopausal wife to leave Colorado for the Florida Keys in the middle of summer and try
Speaker A
boating life for just a month. But when they crash the boat on their first day at the marina and then learn their home has burned to ashes, sudden massive debt forces them into a series of hilarious fish out of water situations. So, I'm
Speaker A
loving the voice in here. This is a comedy. And you know, by the way, I normally I'm a complete Nazi when it comes to exclamation marks. You've probably seen me in other videos. I get triggered, but I think if you're writing
Speaker A
comedy, you get a pass. So, let's just look at this. Retired pilot, interesting character, his reluctant menopausal wife. What does that signify? Well, we're going to see what that might signify in a minute. To leave Colorado
Speaker A
for the Florida Keys and try boating for just a month. So, that's your pilot. And then they crash the boat, burned to ashes, massive debt, and they're on this boat. So, this becomes their home essentially and their rough
Speaker A
seas. I can see it. I can see it. Can we see it in the beginning?
Speaker A
I think why it's getting some attention is I have the elevator pitch or whatever as Schitt's Creek on the water or something like that.
Speaker A
Perfect. That's so important. I think Alien was pitched as Jaws in Space. Now, it's not Jaws in Space except it's a monster in space. So, but at the time it allowed executives to understand it in ways that was familiar but different.
Speaker A
So, but also Schitt's Creek gives a nice tone. So, what's our opening image? What's Janna's business card as a writer? A boy on a bike, Colorado Rockies cap backward pedals down the street blowing a huge bubble. It pops as
Speaker A
he skids to a stop in front of a regal suburban house with a large porch and two tall aspens out front. Sprinklers cast a rainbow over the lush lawn. He dips into the bag slung over his shoulder to pull out a newspaper and
Speaker A
flings. It lands right on a sprinkler head. With a smirk, he blows another bubble and rides off. A box of firecrackers sparklers tucked in his back pocket.
Speaker A
Sandy Ruffman rummages through rich cherry cabinets, frustration etched across her attractive face. A bronze handle snags her loose sweater and lurches her back. A multitasker. She scans the room as she frees herself.
Speaker A
Where is it? A goofy smile like a kid finally tall enough for a roller coaster ride. Stan Ruffman literally bounces in and proudly points to the boat captain hat on his head. Check out my new hat.
Speaker A
Brad said it. Said it's time to train my wings in for the waves. Apologies for the very bad American accents. This is just one of the hazards of working with me in the room. His smile fades just a
Speaker A
bit as he assesses the pile of framed pictures stacked on the granite-topped island. Sandy, honey, remember the boat has limited... Do not finish that sentence. For God's sake, Dan, you repeated the same thing all month long.
Speaker A
I know we have limited space on the damn boat. It dawns on her to check the dishwasher, so she quickly pulls out the top rack as she talks to her husband.
Speaker A
Disappointed, she shuts it. If I have to leave my beloved girls and grandsons to go to some jungle in Florida in the middle of summer, I'm taking my pictures. She disappears behind the island. And my special mug, where is it? Suspicious, she pops back
Speaker A
up and studies Stan. Wait, did you take it? No. Why would I take a mug? A mug?
Speaker A
Do you even know which mug I'm talking about? No. All mugs look the same to me.
Speaker A
Are you flipping kidding me? The mug our grandsons gave me for Christmas with their pictures on the front. You honestly don't know. Blank look on Stan's face. Oh, come on. In the past, I let this stuff slide because you were
Speaker A
always off somewhere flying. To me, a mug is a mug. Anyway, do you really need it? We're only going out for a month and the boat is fully stocked. It has all the plates, silverware, glasses, and mugs. Do you need it? It doesn't have my
Speaker A
world's best grandmother mug though, does it? Stan makes an effort to help her look. When he opens the dishwasher, she shakes her head exasperated.
Speaker A
I literally just looked in there. He still pulls out the top rack. Nothing. Next, the bottom rack. Behind a plate, he finds a mug with the two young grandsons' faces on the front. Not entirely confident he found it, he holds
Speaker A
it up with a maybe look on his face. So, what I love about this is once it gets going, it gets going. We've looked at some scenes where is there enough conflict? Conflict is your nitroglycerin. If you want to introduce
Speaker A
characters, try and create conflict. And in your first scene, you ideally want it to work in tandem with your log line.
Speaker A
So, I'm looking for a retired pilot, and I'm looking for his reluctant menopausal wife. And oh my goodness, does she show up in this scene. I would like to draw your attention to this.
Speaker A
I've seen this scene many times. I haven't seen the firecrackers, but if I told you that there were two or three scripts in the 42 that were sent to me that included sort of picket fences, sprinklers, and a guy throwing
Speaker A
a newspaper. And I've written this scene myself. And then once you realize, hold on, we've seen this scene. It feels like a John Hughes movie. It's saying this is a nice neighborhood. So, it's not bad. I like
Speaker A
the visual imagery of this thing landing on the sprinkler head. And I absolutely love this image. Look at this. NVO sprinklers cast a rainbow over the lush lawn.
Speaker A
Do we even need... Do you think this is delayed gratification? We do need an exterior for Colorado. We do need to understand where she lives and the home that she's leaving. Is there something we can do? I like the cheeky
Speaker A
firecrackers and sparklers. There might be something that you can do that doesn't read, "Okay, I've read this before," but I love the imagery. So, Sandy Ruffman, noun rummages verb through rich cherry cabinets.
Speaker A
Attractive. This is one of those things I think it's a waste of real estate to describe characters as attractive. You know, they're movie stars. Of course, they're attractive. And some of them do react badly when you only describe
Speaker A
what they look like on the outside. Now, there might be an adjective that tells us something about her face. I had to read this twice. A bronze handle snags her loose sweater and lurches her back.
Speaker A
Maybe it's because she's snagged on this handle. Because that's passive. It's being done to her. You might say she snags her sweater on a bronze handle, lurching back. Then I understand that she's annoyed about it. If you're enjoying
Speaker A
this class, I've got a Scooby sense that you're going to absolutely love my free 50-minute master class, seven mistakes stopping you getting an agent. It's essentially a taster class for my paid program, the Script Fellow Program. But there are a ton of valuable actionable
Speaker A
techniques that you can take away today. So, click on the link and get stuck in.
Speaker A
And now we are going to plunge back in to the live dive. I like the voice here.
Speaker A
Where is it? I bumped on this. Whose goofy smile is it? Is this the husband's goofy smile or her smile? If the goofy smile is the noun, where's the verb?
Speaker A
Stan Ruffman literally bounces in and points to the boat captain on his head. I think there's a bit of extra ther...
Speaker A
to refer it as hat? Check up my Is there a seaf furring term for a hat? Just to get a bit of character. Brad sent it. Is that important that Brad sent it?
Speaker A
It was because Brad's their best friends later that they're moving to and he's got the same hat in the next scene. So they're worried. Yeah.
Speaker A
Okay, we've got three sentences here. Check out my new hat. Brad sent it. Said it's time to trade my wings in for the waves. I just wonder if that could be smoother because your first line of dialogue is really important. Where is
Speaker A
it? Is fine because we understand she's looking for it, but is there a more voicy way you can come up with that isn't just Yeah, we understand she's looking for is there a way she can be characterful in the way that she says
Speaker A
where the whatever hell it is or you know what is a good sentence here? And then we've got the ass disease. His smile fades just a bit. Full stop. He assesses the pile of frame picture stacked on. Now I didn't realize we're
Speaker A
in the kitchen. Don't rely on slug lines to deliver visual pictures. Do we need to know that they are rich or cherry?
Speaker A
Sandy Ruffman rummages through the kitchen cabinets. It's just a way of slipping in the location. So immediately you're grounding us into the kitchen.
Speaker A
We're painters and we're poets. The poetry side is [clears throat] the voice. painting the pictures is creating it in the sentences. And also, I don't know what the roughman's kitchen is. I haven't met the Ruffman. So, there's an
Speaker A
argument that you say, you know, K rather than the Ruffman's kitchen. But what is great is you're coming in with the conflict.
Speaker A
Okay. It dawns on her to check the dishwasher. We don't need quickly. You can get rid of the adverb. Now, she pulls out the top rack. She sounds like a really interesting piece of work. How does she pull it out? Does she rip out the top
Speaker A
rack? Come up with a more visceral verb. There's the as we don't need. She's not talking. Disappointed she shuts it. Do we need her to shut it? Probably not. If I have to leave my beloved girls and grandson together in the I mean I'm just
Speaker A
loving there's um oversharing here, but I was married to a Spaniard once upon a time and they had an expression which is bad milk. Malletche. And if somebody's got malletche, it means they've got bad milk. They're just really, really
Speaker A
[clears throat] pissed off. Sound's got Malletche. She's brilliant. Disappears behind the island. Fantastic. And then we're going. I'm into this TV relationship. The odd couple, they're bickering. I understand. He's patient.
Speaker A
She is a firecracker. And I'm in it and it works. So, I've got some tiny notes.
Speaker A
My my major note is where is the sugar cube for you guys? Where is the point where all of you suddenly thought, you know, I'm in. Is it for you? Do not finish that sentence.
Speaker A
Is it Stan coming in? Where is the sugar cube? For me, it was here. So, you might want to move that up. But honestly, I' I'd read it and I'm so into it. I love the character relationship. So, what
Speaker A
have you done? Have you Have you had some bites with this, Janna? Yeah, I've been um virtual pitchfest.
Speaker A
Totally love it. And you know, I I think that hook is really helpful to Shitz Creek on the water. Um I try to add that right away so the people don't dismiss my log line. So yeah, I I've gotten like
Speaker A
seven producers that are possibly looking at it, but no word yet in the last maybe. Back it up. Back it up.
Speaker A
Okay. So what is you what is your process for getting seven producers to read you? Because so many of people I know say, "Oh, the problem is I can't get access." It's not the writing, it's the access. How do you get access?
Speaker A
Virtual pitch is Have you heard of that? She got seven reads based off virtual pitch.
Speaker A
You know, virtual pitchfest. You pay for each pitch. Okay. Um Yeah. And then one came back and said, "You need a full cast." I was shocked at this. I I didn't know this.
Speaker A
You need a full cast and a showrunner for this show. And I'm like I thought it was just a writer. So I'm still I imagine you thought I thought that's your job, Mr. Producer.
Speaker A
Yeah, I know. But isn't it? I don't know. I'm still learning. There's one that I did randomly and Inktip had an interview and I just loved her. She's Lebanese. The producer was like me [laughter] and I and she's young and I'm
Speaker A
old and I just was like like a grandmother writing. I found her on IMDb Pro, you know. I found her email and I and I bothered her which was so ballsy of me but I just was so proud of her
Speaker A
interview and she has done so well in the in the industry. Okay, so contests I would argue are not the be all and end all. There's something that you can use, but I love the fact that you've done exactly what I recommend.
Speaker A
You've got IMDb Pro, you found out the name of the producer because, you know, agents, they have to make 10% off you.
Speaker A
And a lot of agents can't even make money off their existing clients who've got credits that go from here to there.
Speaker A
So, they don't need another mouth to feed. But there are producers who are looking for material. And I would advise everybody to get your query letter game in order and do exactly what Janna has done, which is to find people who make
Speaker A
movies or TV shows like you. And then just make sure that you've got a banging log line that that first sentence or two is intriguing enough that they want to see, hey, could this work? So, thank you, Jana. Lovely reading this.
Speaker A
Thank you. You're welcome, Jenna. Script fell out.
Topics:screenwritingscript analysiscomedy TV pilotelevator pitchconflict in writingcharacter developmentScriptfellascreenwriting tipswriting dialoguescript feedback
