Speaker A
This is a recording taken from a free live class that I give from time to time to my email subscribers. [Clears throat] Let's get stuck in.
Scriptfella critiques a screenplay excerpt, focusing on character introduction, logline clarity, and scene effectiveness in 'The Gateway'.
Key Takeaways
- A strong, specific logline is crucial for pitching a screenplay effectively.
- Avoid generic character descriptions; specificity brings characters to life.
- Introduce the key intriguing element ('sugar cube') early to engage readers.
- Character actions and verb choices should reflect their personality and mood.
- Steer clear of clichés and overused tropes to maintain originality.
Summary
- The video is a live class recording where Scriptfella analyzes a screenplay titled 'The Gateway' by Richard Kevin Stith.
- The story involves a troubled man discovering an antique mirror that opens portals to parallel dimensions, leading to love, betrayal, and murder.
- Scriptfella emphasizes the importance of a clear, compelling logline that passes the 'Warner hallways test' for pitching.
- He critiques the use of generic nouns and tropes, urging specificity in character descriptions and story elements.
- The opening scene setup with cop cars and crime scene is considered overused and lacking originality.
- The 'sugar cube' concept is introduced as a key intriguing element that should appear early in the script to hook readers.
- Character introductions are analyzed, noting Julia is better defined than the main character Jason, whose portrayal needs more depth and voice.
- Verb choices and character movements are discussed as important for conveying personality and emotional state.
- Scriptfella advises avoiding clichés like 'meticulously manicured lawn' and encourages fresh, vivid descriptions.
- The video promotes a free masterclass on common mistakes in screenwriting and offers actionable advice for aspiring writers.
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
The Gateway, written by Richard Kevin Stith. A troubled man discovers an antique mirror that serves as a portal to parallel dimensions, igniting a dangerous love affair and a deadly web of betrayal, obsession, and murder that blurs the line between reality and fantasy.
Speaker A
So this is too much. Your logline has to pass the Warner hallways test, which is you've got an exec chasing the head of the studio across the office floor saying, "Oh, you've got to read The Gateway."
Speaker A
What's it about? Oh, it's about this guy who finds a mirror that opens up a portal to a parallel dimension and a dangerous love affair that blurs the line between reality and fantasy.
Speaker A
Murder's awesome, but murder, love affair, deadly web. What's in your loglines? Watch those kind of tropy expressions like a deadly web.
Speaker A
A deadly cat and mouse game is one I see a lot. Oh, you've got a deadly game of cat and mouse going. I'll come back. Be specific. What is this? This is thematic. Betrayal, obsession, and murder. Okay. So either go with a
Speaker A
dangerous love affair that blurs the line between reality and fantasy. I think that's nice. Or if you want to deemphasize the love affair, something a bit more specific about the story, which is I'm getting a generic feel of deadly
Speaker A
web. Also watch this. A troubled man, a woman, a man, a young girl. These are suboptimal nouns. If this is an unemployed burnout, try and be specific about who your character is rather than a man and a woman.
Speaker A
But how does it open? We're in a typical sleepy upper middle class East Midtown subdivision, but not on this particular night. Blue emergency lights from cop cars light up the block.
Speaker A
One of Atlanta's finest seals off the front of a house with a line you can't cross tape. A crime investigations photographer slaps pictures of three unidentified bodies on the floor. Fade out. Then West Paces Ferry, present day.
Speaker A
It's a ritzy enclave just northeast of downtown Atlanta. New and old money merge like the downtown connector.
Speaker A
Majestic hulking trees in full bloom align the unwrinkled streets. Multi-million-dollar homes paint a picture of wealth and gobs [clears throat] of influence.
Speaker A
An estate sale is underway on a meticulously manicured lawn. A mixed bag of young and middle-aged professionals browse through lavish statues, fountains, paintings, furniture, etc.
Speaker A
Jason Chance, 35, troubled, restless, walks next to his wife. Julia, 35, sassy, entitled, perusing exquisite furnishings on display.
Speaker A
She sits down on a plush divan. Jason looms over, bored to death. He's not the confident aggressive ball of fire from yesteryear.
Speaker A
Julia steps away and stumbles upon an antique armoire. Then something else catches her eye. She stands in front of a gothic full-length mirror, smitten.
Speaker A
Jason walks up behind her, unimpressed. It's beautiful. Jason sees a small price tag dangle from the mirror. He flips it round for a closer look. $1,000.
Speaker A
Julia glances at the golden arch at the top of the mirror and the golden trim around its border.
Speaker A
A classy elderly woman walks up. She looks like she could have been one of those Hollywood blonde starlets from the '50s. I see it's chosen you.
Speaker A
Julia turns to the elderly woman as she gazes fondly at it. My husband and I adored it. It brought so much joy to our lives. Jason glances at the elderly woman, perplexed.
Speaker A
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you. If you cherish it so much, why you get rid of it? Julia spins around, beams at him with scorn. What is wrong with you?
Speaker A
Jason's taken aback by her discontent. Stay out of it. She whips back around to the elderly woman. You were saying?
Speaker A
This feels like it could be in any TV show. The setup is go wide, sleepy upper middle class, but not on this night. And then we have cop cars and then crime scene tape. Probably wouldn't call it with the line you can't cross, just
Speaker A
crime scene tape. And slaps pictured and then fade out then end. So we've spent eighth of a page setting up cop cars, then a policeman, and then a crime scene, and then it's ended. And I think that context this will be important
Speaker A
later on. But right now, one of the key things you need to do on your page one in particular is try and show us something new under the sun.
Speaker A
And I've seen this scene a million times. What is interesting about this idea is this mirror. And the mirror turns up here, but I would suggest you want to put a sugar cube for the reader as high as possible on the page. Think about
Speaker A
your page one and think, well, where is the sugar cube? Is it a line of dialogue? Is it some conflict?
Speaker A
Or is it a moment where you go, "Ah, that's interesting." Something where the reader tastes it, eats it, and wants more. So for me, the sugar cube is the mirror.
Speaker A
And it's way down at the bottom. This is all delayed gratification. It's a ritzy enclave. This is nice voice. New and old money merge like the downtown connector. This is not vanilla.
Speaker A
Majestic hulking trees. Okay. Unwrinkled streets. Okay, we're getting into it. This is a great. Gobs of influence. This is there are very rich people here and this is a very rich house.
Speaker A
I had three submissions from three writers with the description on page one of meticulously manicured lawn.
Speaker A
It is something I have used before. I would suggest we all stop using it just because it's a tropy way to describe a nice house.
Speaker A
If you are enjoying this class, I've got a Scooby sense that you're going to absolutely love my free 50-minute masterclass. Seven mistakes stopping you getting an agent. It's essentially a taste of class for my paid program, The Script Fellow Program, but there are a
Speaker A
ton of valuable actionable techniques that you can take away today. So click on the link and get stuck in. And now we are going to plunge back in to the live dive.
Speaker A
Look at the language here. I want you to look at all the verbs that are used to describe the actions of Jason. Walks, flat. Looms, good. He walks. He sees.
Speaker A
He glances. And then expressions like he is taken aback which are a little bit on the nose. This is a great scene potentially.
Speaker A
This is the introduction of your magical McGuffin and I'm not quite feeling it, but I think it could work. You must be hungry.
Speaker A
So why isn't it completely firing? It's like a six to seven out of 10 at the moment. How do we make it better?
Speaker A
I think the first problem is that Jason Chance is our main character and he's introduced as walking next to his wife and she's got a much better character introduction. Why?
Speaker A
Because we've been told she's sassy and entitled and then we've had her interacting with the props, the exquisite furnishing. She sits down on a plush divan. I can imagine, yeah, this is she's quite queeny, you know? She's sassy. She's entitled. Whereas he
Speaker A
he's he's troubled restless walks. If you say Jason Chance plods behind his wife and then give us something else.
Speaker A
Give us an action rather than moving on to her because she's a much more sort of vivacious character. So I think we're missing a proper introduction to our main character here. He looms over, bored to death. That's great.
Speaker A
He is not the confident aggressive ball of fire. How do we know he was aggressive before? This is telling me about the past. If he's a broken man financially, spiritually and currently bored out of his tiny mind, give us some
Speaker A
voice in the same way that we've got some voice on her. Let's go to the scene blocking here. Julia steps away and stumbles upon an antique armoire.
Speaker A
Don't need to then something catches her eye, stands in front. Okay. She could stand in front or she could gaze at a gothic full-length mirror, smitten. He walks up behind her, unimpressed. Come up with a better word than walks. Does
Speaker A
he shuffle up behind her? Because the way he moves, the way your characters move are indicative of who they are and in particular their state of mind, which is why most people add adverbs. He walks anxiously up to her.
Speaker A
He walks aimlessly up to her. Come up with a more v
Speaker A
have five prepositions in a sentence? No. But generally, if you want to make your sentences read cleaner and in a more pleasurable way, see if you can reduce the amount of prepositions. Is it Julia admires the golden arch and trim around the mirror?
Speaker A
Classy elderly woman walks up. That the third use of the word walk in less than a page.
Speaker A
Jason's taken aback by her discontent. If we're using the is construction, Jason is taken aback by her discontent.
Speaker A
You're just telling us. Give him a movement. You say Jason recoils from her discontent. Just Jason recoils.
Speaker A
You know, he's like a scared animal. So, I think that this is really interesting.
Speaker A
I'd like to know more about this. Thank you for sending us, Richard.
Topics:screenwritingloglinecharacter developmentscreenplay critiquestorytellingscript analysiswriting tipsThe GatewayScriptfellascreenplay structure
