Speaker A
Okay, I don't want to overhype this, but presenting the new City of Pawnee website, totally revamped.
A humorous compilation of Parks and Recreation clips showcasing Pawnee city politics, quirky characters, and community events.
Ask about this video. Answers come from its transcript only — with the timestamp, so you can check them.
Generated from the transcript and can be wrong — check the timestamp.
Key Takeaways
- The City of Pawnee website is modernized with citizen engagement tools.
- Ron Swanson prefers self-representation in legal matters, reflecting his independent nature.
- Gender discrimination was prevalent in Pawnee's past government but efforts continue to improve equality.
- Targeted online advertising raises privacy concerns among characters.
- Local politics are portrayed with humor, highlighting both serious and absurd elements.
What the video covers
- Introduction to the revamped City of Pawnee website featuring interactive elements like polls and a mascot panda.
- Ron Swanson's legal troubles and his unique approach to representing himself in court.
- Discussion of gender inequality and sexism in Pawnee's city council history and ongoing challenges.
- Exploration of online privacy concerns through Ron's experience with targeted ads.
- Controversy surrounding the Spirit of Pawnee mural and the city council's plan to redesign it.
- Bobby Newport's struggling city council campaign and Leslie Knope's rising popularity.
- Parks department activities including nature hikes and humorous interactions with interns.
- Budget cuts debate focusing on government projects and community priorities.
- Various comedic moments highlighting character dynamics and Pawnee's local government quirks.
- Overall theme of community involvement, political satire, and the charm of small-town governance.
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
You can pay for parking tickets. You can apply for a business license. And the best part is we are putting up an online poll so people can pick the new town slogan.
Speaker A
Hey, look, a panda. Yeah, that's just some mascot thing the designer put up on the front page. But more importantly, you can now apply for a utility tax refund online.
Speaker A
Wait, the panda's name is PBO. Pebo. Look, he can even play ping pong. No, me first. Me first.
Speaker A
I said it. Guys, Ben worked really hard on this. Okay, let's look at the online poll.
Speaker A
It's going to be a cool way to choose our new town slogan. [gasps] The panda holds the paddle with his tail. I want to play.
Speaker A
Congratulations, Ben. This is truly a fine panda game you made. Well done. What else does he do?
Speaker A
I think if you click on the bamboo, he puts on a top hat. What?
Speaker A
I love you, Ben. Looking for Ronald Ulissiz Swanson. He stepped out. Can I take a message?
Speaker A
Sure. Tell me you just won a free dinner from St. Elmo Steakhouse. [laughter] I'm Ron Swanson.
Speaker A
You've been served. Have a nice day. I don't like you, but I respect the effort.
Speaker A
Oh, man. Subpoena. Which ex-wife is it? Tammy 1 or Tammy 2? Neither. Apparently, Councilman Jeremy Jam is not pleased that I punched him in the face on the night of Leslie's wedding. He is suing me. $13,000 for orthodontic surgery, $6,000 for enamel
Speaker A
repair, and $46 million for psychological damages. Yeah, that seems about accurate. That guy is the worst. We should sue Jim's parents for spawning a human turd burger.
Speaker A
Ron, hey, let me be your lawyer. I'll object to everything anyone says. Trial will go on forever. You don't have to pay. Problem solved.
Speaker A
That's a kind offer, Andrew, but I won't be hiring an attorney. I'll represent myself as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.
Speaker A
I wish we had $46 million. You could buy my parents' house and evict them.
Speaker A
Surprised he's taken it this well. [groaning] April, could you call maintenance, please? Well, it's a pleasure to be here, ladies. I didn't think anybody really cared about my time on the city council.
Speaker A
Oh, we do. I mean, you are such an inspiration. Still going strong at 82.
Speaker A
How old is that handkerchief? Well, it's not a handkerchief. It's a receipt. Paula Hork was Pawnee's first female city councilor 40 years ago, and she was a huge inspiration to me. Women have come a long way in Pawnee, but we still
Speaker A
have quite a ways to go. I mean, technically, I'm not allowed to reserve this conference room without my husband or father's signature. Government was a real boy's club back in the 70s. They smoked their cigars. They snapped my
Speaker A
bra. Wore mirrors on their shoes to look at my skirt. Well, I'm happy to report that it is now a pervert-free people's club.
Speaker A
Well, except for Councilman Dexhart, who is a self-described pervert? Yeah. And didn't Milton try to kiss you?
Speaker A
Well, yeah. Things aren't perfect. All the other councilmen used to keep a calendar of my menstrual cycle.
Speaker A
Are you kidding me? That is horrible. They don't do that to me. Do they do that to me?
Speaker A
I once tried to start a commission to try to get more jobs for women in city government and they dismissed me saying that it was because it was just my time of the month. Admittedly, they were right because of their calendar.
Speaker A
Man pigs. All of them. You know what? I'm going to get that commission going because this inequality has gone on long enough.
Speaker A
You know what? I think men are better than women. She's kidding. No, I'm not. They provide for us and we must obey them because they are our masters. April, stop it.
Speaker A
Leslie, you'll never land a job with that domineering tone. We must always walk behind the men.
Speaker A
April, listen. I was trying to buy this handcrafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchidito aircraft.
Speaker A
A for me. Don't sass me. And I went to this website and this ad popped up that said, "Hey, Ron Swanson, check out this great offer." What's your question?
Speaker A
My question is, what the hell? Like, how do they know who you are? Yeah.
Speaker A
Okay. Um, there are these things called cookies where, like, if you go to a site and buy something, it'll remember you and then create ads for other stuff you might want to buy.
Speaker A
So it learns information about me. Seems like an invasion of privacy. Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address.
Speaker A
Okay, as everybody knows, the Spirit of Pawnee was defaced again last night. What was it this time?
Speaker A
Chocolate pudding. Huh, that's new. The mural that normally resides here is called the Spirit of Pawnee, and it's very controversial. We've had someone throw acid at it. Tomato
Speaker A
better, less offensive history. So, the city council has decided that the spirit of Panee should be changed to something just a little less horrifying.
Speaker A
Now, since the murals were made by government employees back in the 1930s, we thought it might be fun if each department submitted a design for a new mural. And you'll submit your concepts tomorrow afternoon. All righty, folks.
Speaker A
Thank you very much. Hey, Leslie, what's your design going to be? tree. Joe, you work in sewage. Your department literally specializes in crap. You really want to do this?
Speaker A
I told you before crap is a slang term, and I don't like that term. But at least we don't specialize in losing like you guys. Sewage. Let's roll.
Speaker A
Damn. How does sewage always get the hottest interns? This is the final word with Per with your host Perrick L. Hapley.
Speaker A
Issue number one is the first issue we're going to talk about. Is Bobby Newport's campaign for city council in trouble? When I say your names, I want you to respond. Dylan, well, Newport's poll numbers have been plummeting. Uh, they just fired his
Speaker A
campaign manager. And where's Bobby? He's on vacation in Spain. He's not on vacation. He's in hiding.
Speaker A
Every time the guy speaks, he puts his foot in his mouth. [laughter] That's a hilarious image. A foot in a mouth.
Speaker A
It's a common expression. Okay. According to the newest polls, Leslie Nope is now in second place.
Speaker A
She's just 15 POINTS BACK. [screaming] HOW DID SHE CLOSE the gap? You have to give a lot of credit to her campaign manager, Ben Wyatt.
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So, apparently, Newport just fired his campaign manager because Ben was kicking his ass. Ben is the best campaign manager anyone could ever have. Every move he's made has worked. He's like a brilliant, sexy little hummingbird.
Speaker A
What did you just say? Nothing. Keep up the good work. You're doing great. Okay. [clears throat] Now, see, here's a good example of a plant that you can't eat. See all the spikes? So, two things.
Speaker A
One, it's poisonous, and two, it would hurt. The parks department has so many programs. Jerry's in charge of our pre-teen nature hikes. For a while, it was a teenage nature hike, but then we changed it because a girl got pregnant.
Speaker A
Look what we have here. Country honey suckle paw style. Yeah. Take a look at that. It's pretty and it smells good.
Speaker A
M smells great. Yeah, it's really nice. Oh, that's bitter. Lizzie, you don't eat it.
Speaker A
Why did you let me eat that? I never told you to eat that. Oh god.
Speaker A
Leslie, the animals know you don't eat the country honeysuckle. I'm talking an animal. My tongue is swallowing up.
Speaker A
No, no, no. Don't tell you. Okay. No, you'll have to throw that away. Let's not scare the kids.
Speaker A
Okay. Well, there we go then. All right. So, let's see what else we can eat.
Speaker A
Jerry, has a very sweet as taste, though. Hey, what the hell is this? I'm guessing it's my latest budget cut proposal based on your rage sweat.
Speaker A
First of all, I am rage glowing. Second, you want to cut funding for the Pawnie Palms public putt putt. What did the PPP ever do to you? Ron is very anti-government and he has that philosophy. But there are just certain
Speaker A
things that you don't cut. Schools, police, mini golf, merrygorounds, parades, gazebo repair, roads and bridges, whatever. Pretty gardens, hummingbird feeders. I believe in cutting useless government projects. I also believe in cutting useful projects, future projects, and past projects. The
Speaker A
Hoover Dam is a travesty. You also believe in making furniture. Why don't you go solder a chair instead?
Speaker A
Do you expect me to make a chair out of transistor chips and small wires? Look, the defunding of the mini golf course is on the agenda for the city council meeting tomorrow. I'm sure you'll argue against it with your trademark vigor.
Speaker A
Oh, I will argue and I'm going to win. That putt putt is going to be around forever and when I am done with it, it'll attract more visitors than the Hoover Dam and it'll produce double the amount of electricity.
Speaker A
How? I'll figure it out. It already has windmills. Who cares? It's my new interview outfit. Like, hey, nice to meet you. Can't wait for the interview.
Speaker A
Um, I maybe the maybe the hat. Yeah. Lose this. To win an election, you have to be good and you have to be lucky.
Speaker A
Buddy Wood hosts the number one morning show in Indianapolis, and he wants to interview me for a series he's doing on local elections. And last year, the five people that he profiled all won. This is a huge break for us.
Speaker A
Um, hey, maybe we should put a pause on the fashion show. We have to go over your talking points.
Speaker A
Keep going. I can still hear you. Um, okay, M. Nope. What is going to be your first major public works project?
Speaker A
Oh, I don't know, but I bet these pants will work FOR THE PUBLIC. DAMN, THOSE pants look dope, right?
Speaker A
Oh my god, those look great. And I bet they look even better on Ben's floor.
Speaker A
Are you hitting on Leslie for me? Wait a second. Just turn around. What? Oh, it says nympho on the butt and silver sparkly letters. Nympho means you're addicted to sex. And since it's on the butt, there's other implications
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as well. So, those are a maybe. Who are the suits? They want me to run for office.
Speaker A
Oh my god, Leslie. Yay. I know, right? Yay. Yay. [laughter] Yay. Wait, what does that mean about you and Ben?
Speaker A
I don't know. I think it's going to be really bad. Uh-oh. Just want to go back to saying yay.
Speaker A
Yes, please. Yay. Yay. Yay. No. Follow me. Just one second. Now. Run. Hey. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. WHOA. WHOA.
Speaker A
RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. RUN. WHAT'S going on? My ex-wife Tammy is back. Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.
Speaker A
No, my other ex-wife Tammy. Tammy won. I have acred 228 personal days. Starting right now, I'm using all of them.
Speaker A
While I'm gone, you're in charge. [screaming] Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.
Speaker A
Moving. Oh jeez. I mean, there were rumors that they were going to announce it next month, but they must have gotten impatient. Okay, whatever they say, we need to come up with 10,000 possible responses to 10,000 possible scenarios.
Speaker A
Okay, just to remind you, I don't work for the National Park Service. Yeah. Yeah. How are those scenarios coming?
Speaker A
Okay, look, before we go in there, you need to know something. He's here. Who's here?
Speaker A
The guy whose name you forbid me from saying out loud because it fills you with rage. [gasps] Look, I don't know who he's working for, but I guess he's part of one of the bidding groups. Are you going to be able to be
Speaker A
civil in there? I'm perfectly civil. He's the stupid garbage head doo face. Perfect. Thank you all for coming. I am Trevor Nelson, legal counsel to the Newport family. The Newport Family Trust intends to sell a 25 square mile parcel of
Speaker A
pristine undeveloped land containing Lake Eagleton and the southern Indiana foothills. Why now? The Newports have owned this land for a hundred years.
Speaker A
Thanks to the recent economic boom in Pawne, real estate prices are at an all-time high. And in the words of Jessica Wixs, Newport, heir to the entire Newport fortune, quote, "It's time to trade those dumb old trees for a
Speaker A
buttload of cash." It is. It truly is. This land is begging to be a new national park, and it's in my own backyard. This could be my crowning achievement. I could retire. I mean, I wouldn't. I'm going to work
Speaker A
until 100 and then cut back to four days a week. Oh god, [sighs] I'm already so bored thinking about that one day off.
Speaker A
Maybe I'll go to law school or something. We will select the finalist from a set of initial sealed bids. is due at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow. Good luck.
Speaker A
Okay, cool. There he is. What? Okay, he's here. He is coming over. I don't want to talk to him. I should hide. No, he should hide. He should run.
Speaker A
He should run away. He should hide his stupid face. He shouldn't be. Hello, Miss Nope.
Speaker A
Hello, former strange person I used to friend. You're looking very Ronlike. You have your same hair.
Speaker A
No, I don't. I have bangs now. I've never known what bangs are and I don't intend to learn.
Speaker A
Well, maybe you should. I left the parks department two years ago. Now I work in the private sector running my own building and development company. It's called Very Good Building and Development Company. I wanted to convey the quality of our work without
Speaker A
seeming flashy. So, your company is involved with one of the biders. Hell yeah, pimp. [laughter] He's on team Grizzle now. We uh hired his company to help plan and build our new Grizzle campus right here in town.
Speaker A
Oh, and that land. Oh my gosh, it's perfect. The trees and rocks and sky.
Speaker A
Yes, the land has good sky. This guy is so far out. So, Normcore, you know that the National Park system deserves this land. Why are you trying to screw me? This is like Morning Star all over again.
Speaker A
This is nothing like Morning Star. And that was 2 years ago. Well, you don't know who you're dealing with. I directly oversee 1,200 people. I have a staff of creative geniuses that will not stop working until we win this bid.
Speaker A
Leslie, I I couldn't find that file you wanted, but I did find a file called bird census 1980.
Speaker A
And it's empty. Get out of here, Ed. I fired you. Right. If anybody wants to hang, I will be at Subway.
Speaker A
He's very stupid. Uhoh. Tommy T and sexy Lexi. No. What are you too bad Larry's up to?
Speaker A
Well, this is our last day in Ponyie and we have one last problem to fix.
Speaker A
Hold up. You're leaving for truth? I am going to miss you so much. What's going on? You're not injured?
Speaker A
Uh, yeah, I'm injured. I got a terminal case of get me to the FRONT OF THE LINE AT SIX FLAGS. SHOUT.
Speaker A
It's a winter wonderland. I'm going to be so sad to see you go. Will you do me one final kindness? Will you pretend to be my wife for an insurance scam? But then we fall in love for real. Also, can I have a pair of
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your gym socks? And don't worry, it's not for anything weird. It's just a fetish I have.
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John Ralphio. Yeah. Although, I truly hope that I never see you again. I do wish you a long and happy life.
Speaker A
Today we say goodbye to Jean Ralphio Sapperstein. As per his last will and testament, we will now listen to his favorite song, Bend Over by Lil John, featuring Taigga.
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BEND OVER, MAKE YOUR KNEE, TOUCH YOUR ELBOW. [music] BEND OVER, MAKE YOUR ELBOW. [music] OKAY. OKAY. They bought it. They bought it. Do you have the insurance money?
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No. No. Don't. Let's hit it, bro. Time to start a casino in talking about John Ralph.
Speaker A
Good morning everyone. Couple announcements. As we all know, Ron is recovering from his hernia surgery. So, I got him flowers from all of us. So, everybody needs to pitch in like $90.
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$90? Yes. because I ordered a beautiful bouquet of daffodils from a website after a few glasses of wine. So, Tom, I think you might be getting some daffodils, too. Donna, you're definitely getting some. Jerry, I don't know. I'm
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not sure. Time will tell. Also, I'm leaving early tonight because I am a judge in the Miss Ponyie beauty pageant.
Speaker A
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You get to be a judge in that thing? Yes, and it's a responsibility I take very seriously.
Speaker A
But I want to be a judge. Can't believe you like beauty pageantss, April. Whoever Miss Ponyie is is going to be the representative of womanhood in our town. And as a judge, let me assure you that this year's Miss Ponyie will be
Speaker A
chosen for her talent and poise. Whoa. The girls from Talent and Boys are going to be there.
Speaker A
What? Talent and Poise? It's a strip club by the VA hospital. Have some meetings there.
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It's disgusting. No. What's disgusting is the glitter factory. Do not go to the glitter factory.
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Whoa. Alcatraz. Can't believe Michael Bass spent a billion dollars of his own money to build that for the Rock.
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I can't believe you were able to recite that entire movie from memory on the plane ride.
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You weren't trying to sleep, were you? I couldn't tell cuz you had that mask thing over your eyes.
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This may be the craziest week of my entire life. I am 6 days away from the start of the Unity concert. I am pregnant with triplets. I am trying to decide if I should take a job that will
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move me away from Ponyie. And I am speaking at the National Parks Conference in San Francisco. It is going to be so much fun. Michelle Obama is the keynote speaker. And you know what they say, what happens at a national parks
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conference is compiled and emailed to you in a PDF the following Monday. We got to find a way to break in there.
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They give tours. Yeah, it's exactly how they'll be expecting me to try to break in.
Speaker A
Leslie, what's up, Ron? I'm going to need you to go up to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles on the fourth floor. We got to talk ourselves out of this late registration fee for the park's van.
Speaker A
Come on. I don't want to go to the fourth floor. That is the creepiest place on earth. The fourth floor is awful. The DMV, divorce filings, probation offices. Gh. They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the
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wrong kind of oil, and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced.
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They'll only talk to you or me, and I can't go because I don't want to. M okay.
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Hey boo, you're pretty. Thank you, sir. Hey, girl. Hey, you on probation? Got clean urine.
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You need female? I got female. I'm good. Thank you. Hey, you clean. I buy too.
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[laughter] I know. I'm just telling you. Tom and Wendy, popcorn, I need you guys to come to the snake hole lounge tonight to help me with something.
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Yeah. No, tonight's not good. No can do. I'm on a cleanse. Please. This is important. I'm launching my new high-end Kalúa style lour. Snake juice.
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Sounds like you took a snake and twisted it like a rag until its blood and guts came out.
Speaker A
What does Kalúa style mean? I mixed a bunch of alcohol together, added some sugar and coffee and some other junk and it kind of tastes like Kúa.
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I can only drink warm tap water with cayenne pepper. Fine, then don't drink it. Just get other people to drink it. Okay. Meeting in one hour. If you don't make it, you're on my dunzo list.
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Oh, what's a dunzo list? It means you and I are dunzo. Hanging out, getting food together. Dunzo. You want to come over to my house and play video games? Dunzo. Hey, Tom. You want to come play pup putt with me? No, we're
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dunzo. Babe, we got to make that meeting. I'm going to get 12 eggs and part of a dead animal. Dealer's choice. Please and thank you.
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What can I get, Jan? I will have oatmeal and berries and I will have catfish and grits with pumpern nickel toast.
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Explain. Well, instead of getting swept up in my boyfriend's personalities, I'm dating myself and trying new things. So, every time I go out to eat, I order one thing that's typical me and then something that I would never order.
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Now, I have two best friends, Ann and Ann. Each one more beautiful than the other.
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Oh, I also have been documenting all the new things I'm trying on my blog. Check this out. I went skydiving. [screaming] Which Ann is screaming like a maniac?
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Oatmeal Anne or catfish Anne? I'm not sure because I instantly blacked out from extreme terror.
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[screaming] Leslie, potential problem. The previous owner of lot 48 Norquist properties is claiming the government screwed them by illegally seizing the land.
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Well, I know about this issue. I called the city attorney like 50 times. He didn't call me back. Oh, do you need a lawyer? Because my friend Justin's a lawyer. I'm sure he could help.
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Oh, that'd be terrific. Yeah, I'll call him. Justin's the greatest guy ever. [laughter] The greatest guy ever.
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But does he dress this well? Brooks Brothers. Bought it right off the mannequin. Ron Swanson.
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That's me. My name is George McFeden. I wanted to talk to you about the amount of snow in the parks.
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I've been getting a lot of visitors recently uh thanks to a stupid, worthless new push to make government officials more accessible to the public.
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There is a disturbing lack of benches in Ramse. I want to sit more. And another thing I like is the layout of the haking trails.
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I made this in one of your pottery classes. It's terrible. This is my hell.
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Is the coast clear? What are you wearing? My sneakaround clothes. Is he gone? Yeah, he's gone. Come in. You got to see this. Tom and I have been seeing each other for a few weeks, and I think I'm
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ready to say I love you to his apartment. I love you so much. Look at all these blankets. One on the ottoman, one on the chair, one on the couch.
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Here, feel. Holy hell, that's soft. Oh my god. Is that Yep. A whole shelf of coconut water?
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I think I'm going to cry. This is like girl heaven. Did he do all of this just for you?
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No, he just lives like this. He's deeply in debt. But you know what? Who cares?
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Cuz check it out. Cheese plate, an Adriatic figs. Leslie, this is always here. I don't know when he has time to make it. Boutique eye cream, unisex cologne, lip exfoliator, chocolatecovered almonds, and a sodoku book. Just amenities everywhere.
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I love amenities. I know. Check this out. This is the best part. 80° night and day.
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Look at this one. There's another soft one. Now, after we are given the certificate, who do you think should speak first? I think it should be me and then you, but if you want, it could be you and then
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me. Or it could go me, you, me. What do you think? How about just you?
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Thank you, Ron. Yes. Tomorrow, the parks and recck department is receiving a commendation at the Indiana State House for bringing the harvest festival back.
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And although it's purely ceremonial, it's a huge deal for me to go to the state house.
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I couldn't care less about the commenation. But Indianapolis is home to Charles Mulligan's steakhouse. The best damn steakhouse in the damn state. I have taken a picture of every steak I've ever eaten there. June 2004, Porter House, medium rare, Bernese sauce. January
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2000, they call this one the enforcer. February 96, the steak, ribeye, the whiskey, Logulan 16. The lady next to me, a Specifically, my ex-wife Tammy. Okay, this is this is the first time I ever went there. Look at me. Just
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a kid. Greg Pakitis. You're the parks lady, right? Yeah, that's right. I'm the parks lady, Leslie. Nope. And I'm here to tell you that this year it ends. H. This kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg
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and I. He absolutely terrorizes the park system. Every Halloween, someone defaces the statue of Mayor Percy in Ramsit Park. And I know it's Greg Pakitis, but I've never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible adolescent James Bond
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super villain criminal mastermind. Or maybe someone else is doing it. But I really feel like it's this kid. Got the entire parks department watching you. My boyfriend's a cop, so don't even try it.
Speaker A
I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, I think you do. It ends today, Pakitus. It ends two day.
Speaker A
Thanks for stopping by, Leslie. You look great. Thank you. Ends today. Hey, Leslie. Hey.
Speaker A
Thank you for that year-over-year maintenance cost analysis. That was that was really helpful. You're so welcome. I was thinking about you when I wrote it because I was um because I told you I wanted to read it.
Speaker A
Yeah [laughter] it's a good reason. Oh, anyway, Chris wants to see us in his office.
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I guess we should head over there. All right. All right. All right. Cool. Great.
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See you there. I'll see you there, Benjamin. Ben. All right, Leslie man. Leslie. Hi, Ben.
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Oh, hey, Ann. Wow, that was the most sexual tension I have ever seen in a conversation about documents.
Speaker A
It can't happen. We could both get fired. It's a dumb rule. I know. Well, if you have to follow it, I would just suggest avoiding one-on-one tensiony situations with them.
Speaker A
You're right. Good plan. I am sending you two on a trip. Really? The Indiana Little League baseball tournament is upon us and Ponyie hasn't hosted it in 20 years. So, I would like you two to go to Indianapolis and state
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our case because you two are my dynamic duo right here. and go team. [screaming] ARTICLE TWO, SECTION TWO OF THE PONY CHARTER READS, "Be it decreed, should the taxation of tea rise to an unacceptable level, citizens shall dump
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Ted into Rams at Lake." [applause] Does anyone object? As always, I object. Nay, ENOUGH DITHERING. DUNK THE MISCREANT.
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[cheering and applause] TODAY IS TED Party Day where we commemorate the great Pawnie Tea dump of 1817. Historical fun fact, when the founding fathers wrote the charter, their oldtimey script made one of the A's look like a D. So T became Ted. It's
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just one of those little things that reminds us of Pawnie's rich and vibrant past. Plus, we get to go find a guy named Ted and throw HIM INTO THE LAKE.
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I DON'T EVEN GO BY TED. I GO BY THEODORE. [cheering] COME ON. COME ON. COME ON, LESLIE. NO.
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HEY, CHRIS. WOW. Is that a new jogging shirt? It is. It's an experimental fabric called Bumble Flex. It's made out of synthetic bees wings.
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It's cool. Anyway, you're not supposed to be here. You're suspended. I totally understand that. I'm just going to uh take my flash drive and I'll do some work from home.
Speaker A
And Oh, you're specifically prohibited from doing your job. Oh, I'm not going to do my job. I'm just going to oversee the department and check in on the parks and attend any meetings that are required of the deputy
Speaker A
director. Leslie, go home and give me the flash drive. This is a nasal spray. Give me the flash drive.
Speaker A
Give me the nasal spray. On three. One, two three. Okay, good. Now in 2 WEEKS YOU LESLIE.
Speaker A
NO, I AM MUCH FASTER THAN YOU. I HAVE BUBBLE FLEX. OKAY, time for gifts. We have gift certificates for facials for everybody.
Speaker A
Then you are going to get a needle point pillow with your face on it and the lead headline from a newspaper on the day you were born.
Speaker A
Joseph Stalin dies. That's right, Mom. And you replaced him. Not in terms of genocide, just in terms of, you know, being on Earth. February 14th, Valentine's Day, is about romance.
Speaker A
But February 13th, Valentine's Day, is about celebrating lady friends. It's wonderful, and it should be a national holiday. It should be a national holiday.
Speaker A
Dear Congress, it's Leslie again. Let's talk about personal relationships. Who wants to start? Donna.
Speaker A
I have several men in rotation. One's waiting for me out in the car. Don't worry, I roll down the window.
Speaker A
April, you're the old married broad here. How's Andy? Well, last week he was supposed to buy gas, but instead he bought novelty cookie cutters. Now everything we eat is shaped like a dinosaur. He's amazing.
Speaker A
Great. And mom, how's it going with Steven? Well, I met him on the internet because of my lovely daughter and we are compatible.
Speaker A
Okay. No, no, no, no, no. Ann, can you start talking? Well, I'm I'm I'm in a bit of a lull right now, but I'm so glad that you all have people in your lives that you care about. So, congrats.
Speaker A
It's really hard to say congrats without sounding sarcastic. Seriously, I really hope you guys are all very happy. Damn it.
Speaker A
We are. Ron, we're back. bully. The bankrupt government of Pawne has been shut down all summer. So, it's been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Speaker A
Rounding up the team. So exciting. I have goosebumps. Feel. And that's why they call me Prince Charming, cuz I always find the glass slipper for my Cinderella.
Speaker A
These are way too tight. Well, the real Cinderella didn't have hippo feet. Tom, we're back. Jeremy, suck it. By the way, I've been giving away free sports bras to the girls at Hot Dog on a stick.
Speaker A
Look, we can dance all day, but it's time to step up. Are you buying 4,000 rubber nipples from me or not?
Speaker A
D, you have a visitor. We back. We're back. All right, Jerry. Oh my gosh. Look who's here. Leslie, the nightmare's over, Jerry. We're going back to work. You're not going to need this anymore.
Speaker A
Come on. [snorts] I called shotgun. Everybody heard me. Oh, goody. You're all here. Now, I know I'm not supposed to talk about my campaign in the office, but last night I made a decision about who should be my
Speaker A
campaign manager. This is a huge job. This is going to require a lot of late night one-on-one jam sessions with me, and we're going to bounce ideas off of each other. You're going to have to take calls for me anytime, day or night. The
Speaker A
person I have chosen is, drum roll please, [groaning] Ann Perkins. Yep. Hey, give it up FOR HIM.
Speaker A
OH, GOOD CHOICE. LESLIE, I don't know the first thing about running a political campaign.
Speaker A
Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands.
Speaker A
No, I haven't. You haven't? No, you will. You're that good of a nurse. What about Ben? I mean, he ran for mayor at 18 and one.
Speaker A
Ben is poison of my campaign. Our relationship is the reason why my advisers pulled out.
Speaker A
Ann, don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes and say yes.
Speaker A
Okay. Yes. Yes. I believe in you, Ann. Thank you. And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing like one. I don't want to have this conversation again.
Speaker A
Again? You just hired me 8 seconds ago. Wow. You're doing a really bad job.
Speaker A
Hey, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever in her new part-time job in the public health department at City Hall and Meredith Perkins. Yay!
Speaker A
Oh, Leslie, this is so nice. I put poisonous gas in one of these balloons, so if any of them pops, you may die.
Speaker A
No, April, we would all die. Gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in. School.
Speaker A
We have activities every hour on your first day. 10:00 a.m. An's first day waffle explosion. 11:00 a.m. the start paperwork jamboree. And then 12:00 noon sharp is the inaugural de Ants party.
Speaker A
Welcome to city hall cupcake. How many of you are in here? There's seven. And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and he's kind of a grouch. I have an office mate.
Speaker A
Get these balloons out of here. Hi, I'm Ann. A babe, you've gone crazy. The only thing I am crazy about is a magnificent pregnant manta ray named Anne Perkins. I am ranking topics of conversation for our next phone call. The worst part
Speaker A
about your best friend living in another stupid state is the topics really pile up. What do you think should be higher priority? Infinity scarves or whether or not it's worth it for me to get showtime.
Speaker A
Is this really necessary? When she moved, we promised each other that we would talk every day and we've really fallen behind.
Speaker A
I know your female friends are very important to you, but I'm always a good sounding board. I mean, I can talk about Sandra Bulock skirt length.
Speaker A
No, no, babe. You can't. You would just embarrass yourself. Plus, every time I start talking to you, 5 seconds later, I want to jump your bones.
Speaker A
Oh, let's do that instead. See, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items.
Speaker A
I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar. That's great, April. How'd you do that?
Speaker A
It's a long story, but the short version is I'm currently catfishing Anthony Ketus. We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the Unity concert, and we're going to need it, too. If I'm going to perform Islands in the Stream
Speaker A
with the Sack Jia hologram, plus we need lights generators microphones water that boring stuff, too.
Speaker A
Hey, maybe we should put a pin in this cuz we have to do that thing.
Speaker A
Oh, yep. Oh, yeah. Okay. Uh, yeah. Everybody keep working. We'll be back. Andy. Hey. You haven't told anyone about the baby, right?
Speaker A
No, but my brain is about to explode from stress. I am not good at keeping secrets. That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.
Speaker A
Andy, come on. See? Oh, not cool, man. Not him. Not that, Kyle. Okay, we are going to have a doctor's appointment and then after that, we can probably tell people. So, just hang in there please.
Speaker A
I can do this. People do this. People keep secrets. My neighbor Eric, he he's kept a secret for 20 years. He's in witness protection.
Speaker A
Okay. Hi, I'm Tom Hford. I work in the parks department. It's a little douchy.
Speaker A
Good call, Jen. I'm getting divorced, so I'm trying to up my game. Who am I supposed to ask for fashion advice?
Speaker A
Jerry? He wears the same soup stained khakis every day. Justin's my savior. He's like an issue of GQ that's come to life.
Speaker A
Tommy Timberlake. You look like Encyclopedia Brown. Sequence. Try without the gloves. sequins minus the gloves. Hey, what's up? I'm Tom. Is my shirt lighting up?
Speaker A
Cuz I didn't even notice. All right, guys. Let's talk accessories. Be honest. Which candy do you like better? Dragon. Serpent. Dragon.
Speaker A
Serpent. Bell says, "What's cracking?" I can have say whatever I want. I can say, "What's cracking?" I'm Tom. What's cracking, girl? What's cracking? Boob.
Speaker A
Eagle medallion. Go. Well, as far as white leather suits go, they're horrible. I like it.
Speaker A
Good morning. Woo! Swiss Family Roninson, that hat is dope. Thanks, Tom. You mind if I rock that bad Larry on my dome?
Speaker A
Wear it on my head. Try it on the ladies. Be my guest. Hi, I'm Tom. I have a raccoon on my head.
Speaker A
Uh, excuse me. My friend over here was digging through your trash and I think we may have a lot in common. I'm Tom.
Speaker A
Would you like to see a movie sometime? Are you a raccoon? Because you've been running around my hat all day. Head all day. Girl, you're more precious than precious.
Speaker A
Uh-uh. Nice hat. Want a bone? That's you talking to me. No. How about Yes, I am a hunter and it's you season.
Speaker A
Whoa, that's great. I got to get back out there. You know what they say, animal on the head, man in the bed. Damn girl, your hotness killed my raccoon. I have a raccoon hat. I'm an interesting person. Hello.
Speaker A
Any luck? No. Didn't work out as well as I thought it would. Well, better luck next time.
Speaker A
I tried. Just didn't seem Wow, I love that hat. Thank you, ma'am.
Topics:Parks and RecreationPawneeRon SwansonLeslie Knopecity councillocal governmentpolitical satirecomedy clipsgender equalitycommunity events
![jake & katie [their story] (1×01-1×13) — Transcript](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/nS8zjO4PHLA/maxresdefault.jpg)
