What happens when the Narcissist Loses control over you? — Transcript

Hello, I'm Darren Magee, and today's topic comes from many different questions in and around the same subject. What are the common reactions? What are the common behaviours of a narcissistic person whenever their tactics no longer work?

Whenever you're on to them, whenever they've been exposed. One way or another, what happens when a narcissistic person feels they no longer have the control over someone that they once had. So if you like this video, if you find it interesting or helpful, please consider

Whenever you're on to them, whenever they've been exposed, one way or another, what happens when a narcissistic person feels they no longer have the control over someone that they once had?

being disagreeable and either being highly sensitive or highly resistant to criticism. They, they can be exploitative, manipulative, and they lack of empathy. And yes, let's be honest, we can all be a little bit like that from time to time. But with narcissism, with pathological narcissism,

So if you like this video, if you find it interesting or helpful, please consider subscribing to my channel. But just as a reminder, this video is not a substitute for support from a mental health professional, nor is it a tool to be used to diagnose someone.

how they might react. But if you have been in a relationship with someone who's narcissistic now, when I was a partnership of friendship, or perhaps you were raised in a narcissistic family, you have a fair idea they are not going to react well once they feel they can no longer control you.

So first of all, narcissism can be characterised by a sense of entitlement, there's being self-absorbed, being disagreeable, and either being highly sensitive or highly resistant to criticism. They can be exploitative, manipulative, and they lack empathy. And yes, let's be honest, we can all be a little bit like that from time to time. But with narcissism, with pathological narcissism, what we see is these behaviours are consistent, they are persistent, they are pervasive. They are constant.

or to sometimes the unreasonable standards that they demand, they will manipulate, coerce, bully, guilt trip and shame in order to get it. They live in an internal world full of envy and shame, and the strange thing is they tend to act in very shameful ways in order to escape that

So what happens when someone is onto them, someone figures them out is a reasonable question to ask, given that they can be quite vindictive. Sometimes we've no idea how they might react. But if you have been in a relationship with someone who's narcissistic now, whether a partnership or friendship, or perhaps you were raised in a narcissistic family, you have a fair idea they are not going to react well once they feel they can no longer control you.

believe it or not, they might actually apologise. They might actually say they're sorry. And the thing is, they probably are, but not necessarily sorry for the things they ve done or for the pain they caused. More often than not, they are sorry for the consequences that they know face. They are

So to understand that, remember that narcissistic people tend to value themselves based on how others admire them and pander to them. They have a very poor sense of self and very poor insight. They need attention and validation, and if others will not give it to them voluntarily, or to sometimes the unreasonable standards that they demand, they will manipulate, coerce, bully, guilt trip, and shame in order to get it. They live in an internal world full of envy and shame, and the strange thing is they tend to act in very shameful ways in order to escape that feeling of shame.

Or there may be an apology, but it comes with some kind of excuse, such as, It's not me it's my anxiety. I can't help it it's my illness. It's not my fault it's my addiction Or there may be a

And those behaviours, things like devaluing, rejecting, punishing, cheating, scorning, and so on, these are often the very things that drive people away.

they tend to last but a moment, a minute, a day, a week even. They generally go back to doing the same things again. The very highly skilled ones just find a different way of doing the same thing.

So some of the common ways in which they behave whenever they do lose control over someone is, first of all, believe it or not, they might actually apologise. They might actually say they're sorry. And the thing is, they probably are, but not necessarily sorry for the things they've done or for the pain they caused. More often than not, they are sorry for the consequences that they now face. They are sorry that they're being abandoned. They are sorry that others can now see them as they really are.

lines of, I've no idea what I've done to hurt you but I'll always love you . Following that, you'll get a lot of word salad, and within that word salad there will be a veiled threat which could be summed up as, And I'm going to let other people know what you're like. By the way,

Or there may be an apology, but it comes with some kind of excuse, such as, "It's not me, it's my anxiety. I can't help it, it's my illness. It's not my fault, it's my addiction." Or there may be a caveat of some kind like, "I am sorry, but after all, you did say something ten years ago that I found quite offensive."

How many apologies were there in the past? Now, there might not have been that many, but how many were there? And following the apology the bad behaviour changed?

So even if you do get an apology, and even if it does sound very sincere, they tend to last but a moment, a minute, a day, a week even. They generally go back to doing the same things again. The very highly skilled ones just find a different way of doing the same thing.

Now if you think about it, if they don't admit their own errors, misjudgments, mistakes, their limits, even to themselves, they're certainly not going to admit their toxic behaviour to you or to anyone else. Instead there's normally a lot of false accusations. Twist

Or it might not necessarily be an apology; it might sound like they're trying to reason with you. So imagine someone's going Grey Rock, they're just giving one-word answers, or maybe someone's just gone no contact or not responding. They may get a text or an email, and it usually goes along the lines of, "I've no idea what I've done to hurt you, but I'll always love you."

Deliberately, and the keyword being deliberately, misinterpret you and your intentions. Some are very good at this, and if you have been in a long term relationship with someone like this, they have had a long time to fine tune their manipulation and their gaslighting tactics.

Following that, you'll get a lot of word salad, and within that word salad there will be a veiled threat which could be summed up as, "And I'm going to let other people know what you're like. By the way, I'll always love you."

from your family, from your colleagues, then maybe they're going to start contacting them and it ll usually be something along the lines of, I'm really concerned about them. I'm really concerned about this person. Haven't heard from him in a long time. I'm worried about them , Or if you were

But if you do get a message like that, or if you do get an apology, you know, pleading, tears, maybe you're considering giving them another chance, well, I'm not going to talk you out of it, but what I will ask you to think about is to draw on your experience.

They'll start turning up, showing up. They'll start getting involved in that sport or that group or whatever it is and start mixing with your friends there. They may even contact your friends, your family, invite them over to their place or go and visit them. Show that they re really decent

How many apologies were there in the past? Now, there might not have been that many, but how many were there? And following the apology, did the bad behaviour change?

Letting the victim, though they're not quite safe yet, they are still there. It also serves to try and control how other people see them, as well as how other people are seeing the victim.

If it didn't change, why do you think it will this time?

taking responsibility for their actions, for their bad behaviour. Following a breakup of some kind, now whether again, whether that's a friendship or a romantic relationship or whatever, all that pain, guilt and shame is now being dumped onto the victims and they will do

Second common behaviour is if a narcissist gets caught out, they're generally never going to admit the truth.

were treated, even apologise for not being able to put up with the crap that they had to go through.

Now if you think about it, if they don't admit their own errors, misjudgments, mistakes, their limits, even to themselves, they're certainly not going to admit their toxic behaviour to you or to anyone else. Instead, there's normally a lot of false accusations. Twist things you've said or done. Claim that you did or said things you never did or said.

which usually means their victim deserves it and they can become consumed. Some can become violent or may damage property. They may spread vicious rumours. They may deliberately withhold support, resources, information. Anything at all that they believe will allow them to re-establish some sense

Deliberately, and the keyword being deliberately, misinterpret you and your intentions. Some are very good at this, and if you have been in a long-term relationship with someone like this, they have had a long time to fine-tune their manipulation and their gaslighting tactics.

pattern of toxic behaviour that is, first of all, it's normal for the narcissists, but for the victim, it becomes normalised. And it could look like maybe the victim believes that they are depend in some high on that narcissistic person who is abusing them. Maybe

You might even find yourself doubting yourself, especially if it seems like others are believing them. Covert narcissists are particularly good at being very passive-aggressive while acting humbly and contrite.

Perhaps that person can't leave because their abuser is dependent on them. Perhaps there is an illness or physical condition. If the bond wasn't there before, that trauma born wasn't there before they may try to create one. If it was there, they'll try to strengthen it somehow,

Thirdly, following a breakup, now if they hadn't isolated you from your friends, from your family, from your colleagues, then maybe they're going to start contacting them, and it'll usually be something along the lines of, "I'm really concerned about them. I'm really concerned about this person. Haven't heard from him in a long time. I'm worried about them."

as always, there's a lot more I haven't added. If you want to add that, by all means please feel free to use the comment box below, there are some interesting conversations starting around these videos. Now if you like this video, if you find it interesting or helpful,

Or if you were part of a club or a group or whatever, they may suddenly find that they have an interest in it. They'll start turning up, showing up. They'll start getting involved in that sport or that group or whatever it is and start mixing with your friends there. They may even contact your friends, your family, invite them over to their place or go and visit them. Show that they're really decent people that are not like how you may have been painting them to be.