Speaker A
Like fat smelly cow. Taste like a pair of tits. Well, at least that's one pair between us.
A comedic episode of Father Ted featuring John and Mary with humorous interactions and quirky island events.
Key Takeaways
- Father Ted’s character is portrayed as both ambitious and comically flawed.
- John and Mary’s relationship provides a source of humor and relatable domestic scenarios.
- The island setting contributes to the absurdity and charm of the narrative.
- Recurring characters add depth and continuity to the comedic storyline.
- The episode balances slapstick humor with witty dialogue and situational comedy.
Summary
- Father Ted is preparing for a television interview and discusses his potential as a TV personality.
- John and Mary, a couple on Craggy Island, are involved in various comedic situations including minor injuries and misunderstandings.
- The characters discuss local events such as police tests and the presence of a film unit on the island.
- There is humorous banter involving handcuffs, a shotgun, and the island’s law and order situation.
- The episode features recurring characters like Father Stone, Sergeant Thornton, and Mrs. Olirri.
- John and Mary plan a holiday to Rome and discuss the pope with Father Ted.
- Mary hides in a cupboard for safety due to local disturbances on Craggy Island.
- The episode includes typical Father Ted humor with insults, slapstick, and absurd situations.
- The interactions highlight the quirky and dysfunctional nature of the island’s community.
- The episode ends with light-hearted exchanges and a sense of ongoing island chaos.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction and TV Interview Plans
- 00:58Father Stone and Medical Tests
- 01:28John and Mary’s Accident and Banter
- 03:01Request for Handcuffs and Police Talk
- 04:03Fire Lighters and Island Whistle Incident
- 05:11Shotgun Discussion and Handcuffs Exchange
- 05:43Easter Eggs and Holiday Plans
- 07:15Mary in the Cupboard and Closing Scenes
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
Hello Mary. Ah, hello father. Hello John. Could you have a pack of Toughos, father?
Speaker A
No thanks. I've got to meet someone now. Actually, I'm going to be interviewed for a television program.
Speaker A
Oh, really? Oh, that's fantastic. You know, father, I think you'd be brilliant on television.
Speaker A
Well, thank you. Oh, I'd say you'll be more than a match for Gay Bordon or Terry Wan or any of them.
Speaker A
Take me a few weeks to get to their level. Well, I have to go. I'm trying to track down this film unit and they'll probably want to do a few close-ups of master shots and noddies and that sort of
Speaker A
thing. I don't want to be late on set. Get a reputation as a sort of Marilyn Monroe type. See you soon.
Speaker A
Don't bother. Ted, get them [ __ ] crunchies out of the car. Father Stone's been in there a long time, hasn't he? You think he's dead?
Speaker A
They're probably doing tests. What sort of tests? General knowledge. No. Won't get much out of him in that condition.
Speaker A
No. No medical tests. What would he know about that, Ted? There he goes. He can move when he wants to. A stupid bastard. You've really done it this time. You started it, you slag. And the next time I finish the job, I a
Speaker A
fathers. Hello, John. Hello, Mary. Uh, hello. Well, uh, what are you doing here father?
Speaker A
Um, a friend of ours had a bit of an accident. Oh dear. What happened to you? That looks nasty.
Speaker A
Ah, sure. It's nothing, father. It's just a headache. I don't know why I bothered coming, really.
Speaker A
Is that blood? Oh, God. No. No. I, I don't think so. Uh, I just got a slight nick with a knife when Mary was putting the bandage on. It's, uh, it's not a stab wound.
Speaker A
Sure he's fine. You look like you've been in the wars yourself, Mary. Ah, spraying, father. It's nothing. I dipped in a bag of cold. It's not broken. If it is, sure what the hell.
Speaker A
Well, I, uh, I hope your friend gets better. And next time I'll freaking make sure.
Speaker A
Shut up, you old [ __ ]. They're a lovely couple though, aren't they? John and Mary.
Speaker A
Ah, they are all right. Are you going to stand there all day, you fat old [ __ ]? Don't talk to me like that, you big pile of shite.
Speaker A
You ignorant prick. You watch that mouth of yours. I'll watch nothing. I'll stick this up your ass.
Speaker A
Hello you two. Father, how's Trixs? We haven't seen you in a while. We were just going to have some tea. Well, you have a drop. Uh, no thanks, Mrs. Olirri. No, I'm fine.
Speaker A
Uh, what can we do you for, father? Well, I was looking for a pair of handcuffs actually.
Speaker A
Pair of handcuffs? Yeah. What do you need them for? Oh, nothing much. They're for me and Ted.
Speaker A
You and father Ted? Yeah, we're just trying something out. Well, um, actually, funny enough, I think we do have a pair. Um, Sergeant Thornton left them here when he retired.
Speaker A
Retired from what? From the police. The police? Was Sergeant Thornton a policeman? Um, he was? Yes. Why do you think he wore the uniform?
Speaker A
Oh, I thought he was just having a laugh. Anyway, um, here's the handcuffs. Okay, thanks. Right, great. Bye now.
Speaker A
Bye father. You bastard. Slag. Hello Mary. Hello, father. Oh. Oh father. Hello John. Mary was just washing my hair.
Speaker A
She has such lovely soft hands. I, I was just looking for some fire lighters.
Speaker A
I'll get them. They're out the back. I didn't know Sergeant Hodges had a helicopter.
Speaker A
Oh, yes. You had to get one in because of this whistle thing whistling. Yeah. Look.
Speaker A
Isn't it terrible, father? The whole island is talking about it. Who would have thought that law and order would break down here on Craggy Island?
Speaker A
God help us all, father. Yes, but I mean, if it's only a whistle, you know, I had to buy myself a shotgun and everything.
Speaker A
I wouldn't hesitate to use that. Now, if that man came in and tried to steal any of the whistles I have in here, I'd blow his [ __ ] head off his shoulders.
Speaker A
Look, I have it cocked and all so I can get the jump on him. Would that be dangerous to have it cocked like that, too? Not at all, father. So long as you don't suddenly drop it or something.
Speaker A
There you are. If they don't work, bring them back and we'll give you a refund.
Speaker A
Okay, sir. Thanks very much. You [ __ ] idiot. Give it to me. Don't make a show of yourself in front of him.
Speaker A
Yes, father. I know. Father, you're so great, father. Oh, you make me sick. I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker A
You're [ __ ] worse. Oh, father, you're brilliant. Oh, father, you should be pope. Doesn't impress him. Makes me sick. God, you're an awome divot. A father.
Speaker A
Hello, John. Hello, Mary. A father, you look wonderful. Is, is that a new outfit?
Speaker A
We thought you'd like some Easter eggs from the shop. Oh, that's terribly nice of you. Thank you very much.
Speaker A
I think it comes to about £8. We thought we'd bring it down to you.
Speaker A
We're going on holidays and we're not sure when we'll be back. Yes, we're, uh, we're going to Rome.
Speaker A
Oh, so looking forward to it. We might see your friend. Who's that? Sophia Loren.
Speaker A
No, father, the pope. He's no friend of mine. Actually, that might have sounded a little disrespectful. Sorry.
Speaker A
Ah, no problem, father. Ah. [Applause] And you can stay in there till you learn some [ __ ] manners.
Speaker A
Don't you bastard. And I've thrown away the key. How do you like that? Huh?
Speaker A
Hello John. Hello, Father Krilly. Hello, Father Maguire. [Laughter] Where's, uh, where's Mary? Oh. Oh, she's away at her mother's.
Speaker A
No. Is there, um, is there someone in the cupboard? Hello fathers. Mary. Uh, Mary, I, I forgot you were there. I, I thought you were at your mother's.
Speaker A
No, I didn't go to me mother's after all. I'm in the cupboard. Mary, what are you doing in there?
Speaker A
Oh, uh, I know. It's because of this beast of Craggy Island thing. I thought that Mary would be safer in the cupboard.
Speaker A
That's right. I'm better off here. What can I do you for, father? Pack of 20 Carols.
Speaker A
Certainly, father. I'll get them, love. You stay in the cupboard. John, can I have a word?
Speaker A
Is Father Maguire there? I am. Hello, Mary. Lovely day, isn't it, father? Oh yes.
Speaker A
You're looking great. Anyway, [Laughter] I'm sorry, father. I bet a bet. It's just that if the girl doesn't have the operation, she won't be able to fetch water for her village.
Speaker A
I am sorry, father. It's a pity you didn't wait, though. The odds have lengthened to 20 to 1 on account of Chris's nervous troubles. Anyway, your cigarettes. Thanks, Ted. They don't have the sound effects album. We might as well just go.
Speaker A
Bye Patrick. Bye. Bye. Well, I hope you're satisfied. Ah, shut up.
Topics:Father TedJohn and MaryCraggy IslandcomedyBritish sitcomtelevision interviewhandcuffspoliceholidayEaster eggs
