Speaker A
Hello everybody! Welcome to my channel. I'm Rae Arcade, and I want to introduce you to somebody special. This is my husband. What should we call you? I'm her husband. Okay, this is my husband. Husband.
Rae Arcade and her husband humorously analyze Twilight's plot, characters, and cultural impact in this detailed retrospective.
Key Takeaways
- Twilight remains culturally significant with a dedicated fanbase and ongoing interest in related locations and memorabilia.
- The film's visual and narrative choices often clash with realistic expectations, leading to mixed reception.
- Character portrayals, especially Bella and Edward, reflect common teen movie tropes and authorial self-insertion.
- Despite flaws in acting and script, some characters like Charlie Swan are widely appreciated.
- The video offers a humorous yet insightful critique that balances affection and skepticism toward Twilight.
What the video covers
- Rae Arcade introduces her husband and sets the tone for a Twilight retrospective with humor and personal anecdotes.
- They discuss the film's visual style, including the unusual blue filter used in the Arizona desert scenes.
- The hosts compare characters like Charlie Swan to archetypes such as Hopper from Stranger Things, highlighting his likability.
- They critique Kristen Stewart's acting and debate whether the issues stem from the script or directing.
- The video explores Bella Swan's character as a self-insert by author Stephenie Meyer and her awkward, 'not like other girls' persona.
- They analyze the film’s portrayal of high school, noting its diversity but questioning the authenticity of student interactions.
- The cultural impact of Twilight is emphasized, including the continued popularity of the Twilight House Airbnb and memorabilia.
- Discussions include the Native American characters, the Quileute legend, and the vampire lore within the story.
- The hosts touch on plot points such as Edward's vampire nature, Carlisle's selective turning of vampires, and the climactic vampire fight scenes.
- Throughout, the video blends critique with nostalgia and personal reflections on Twilight's enduring legacy.
Chapters
- 00:00Introduction and Meet the Husband
- 02:25Arizona Scene and Twilight Blue Filter
- 04:25Charlie Swan Character Analysis
- 06:33Kristen Stewart’s Acting and Movie Critique
- 09:13Bella Swan and High School Portrayal
- 12:20Edward and School Dynamics
- 20:20Vampire Lore and Plot Developments
- 27:38Climactic Vampire Fight and Conclusion
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
[Music] So, here in the Pacific Northwest, we are still in the dog days of summer.
Speaker A
But as September approaches and the weather starts cooling off, there's a little whisper up here. Brings goose pimples to the back of your neck. Sounds like there's something in the woods. Get me my blue filter. Do you hear that? What's it sound like?
Speaker A
It's incredibly fast and strong. Its skin is ice cold to the touch. Say it out loud. Say it. "Twilight retrospective." That's right. It's a Twilight retrospective. You know, there was that meme that was going around—it was like, "Still a better love story than
Speaker A
Twilight." I think we have a better love story than Twilight. Why don't you tell them how we met on Tinder? [Music] Romance. Still a better love story than Twilight.
Speaker A
Let's get into it, shall we? First scene is Bella in the desert. Bella Swan in the desert. Her mom and stepdad are packing up to leave. She's going to move to Forks, Washington, with her dad so that her mom can do travel minor league baseball with her husband. Minor
Speaker A
league baseball. They're the salt of the earth, the bread and butter of the baseball system.
Speaker A
There can't be a lot of money in being a minor league baseball player. No, there's not. They just have like a nice home and they're like—I don't think Bella's mom is a very good mom. There's a lot to unpack there. I don't know. That's a separate video.
Speaker A
Okay, well, you know what really throws me off about the Arizona scene is that it has the Twilight blue filter over it. And like, I am so used to the yellow filter, you know, in the desert. Like, everybody doesn't get like that Breaking Bad yellow filter—the Mexico
Speaker A
Sonoran Desert hot sun. Yeah, you're right though. When I moved up here to the Pacific Northwest from Arizona, honestly, it wasn't that much of a difference between the shot in the desert to like the misty, foggy mountains, cuz I had to drive through eastern Washington and
Speaker A
it was like super desert and then it was like clouds and rain and fog. It's kind of spooky.
Speaker A
So, it is a fun little juxtaposition because we both lived in Arizona. I grew up in Arizona.
Speaker A
Apache Junction. Ride or die. My little rat tail. That's right. Mullet. My little one earring. Little white trash kid, I was. Mhm. You lived there for a couple years now, and we both live in the Pacific Northwest. It's true. You know, I just think it's funny when
Speaker A
Bella gets off the plane and her dad picks her up. She still has that little cactus in her hand that she picked. I imagine that she's been carrying this little cactus in her lap the whole flight up. You know what I'm talking about? She had that little cactus. You can bring pets on board, right?
Speaker A
So, Bella then gets to her dad's house and he's like a terminal bachelor. But I think we stand Charlie in this house, right? You kind of look like him when you have a mustache.
Speaker A
Charlie Swan is the best—is the only unironically good part of the entire film. Yeah, we love Charlie. He is the classic "wants to be a good dad but doesn't know how." It's cute. He reminds me of Hopper from Stranger Things, you know? They're definitely cut from
Speaker A
the same cloth and they're both cops. It's such an archetype. Cop mustache, overprotective, can't communicate well. And I love Hopper, so I love Charlie.
Speaker A
The Twilight bedding, by the way—apparently you can buy it, but people sell it for a lot of money on eBay, like the purple bedding resellers. Do you know that was a thing? No, I didn't know that was a thing. Do you know you can rent the Twilight House, too? In Oregon? It's
Speaker A
not in Vancouver. No, the Twilight House is in Oregon. If you out there would like to rent it, I know somebody who rented the Twilight House and it took them like one year in advance. They like open up bookings for like a week and you have to put in a notification—it's basically like
Speaker A
buying Taylor Swift tickets off of Ticketmaster. You have to queue up to book this Airbnb of the Twilight House. Like, it's still a thing in 2025. Post-COVID, still a thing. I don't think you understand the cultural impact Twilight has had. I don't.
Speaker A
We meet Billy Black and Jacob Black. They bring over her truck. Oh, yes. I think Jacob seems like a good kid. He over-enunciates. Oh my god, he over-enunciates! "I used to play when we were kids." It's cute cuz, you know, Charlie and Billy, they're just like bros. They're just like friends.
Speaker A
So yeah, Billy Black comes over, he's got Jacob, his son, with him, and they're Native American.
Speaker A
And Jacob just seems like a nice kid, I think. Billy and Charlie's relationship—it's cute.
Speaker A
They're play fighting. They're going to watch a Mariners game. First Mariners game of the season.
Speaker A
I got issues here. First Mariners game of the season—that part is specifically stated by Billy to Charlie. Yeah, I got issues with the movie. Okay, well, Charlie gives Bella a truck and we get our first glimpse at how terrible Kristen Stewart is at acting. She's like, "Oh my god,
Speaker A
it's perfect. No, it's perfect." Was that good? You weren't just playing the movie. The thing is is that a lot of the actors in this movie are good actors and they prove themselves, but I don't know. I mean, they were working with what they had, so maybe it was just a terrible
Speaker A
script. But Kristen Stewart in these movies is atrocious. She's like a robot. Was it a terrible script or was it bad directing? I don't know. We'll have to talk about that deleted scene later.
Speaker A
Bella arrives at school, her first day of school, and all of the boys are like in love with her. Classic. This is such a Stephenie Meyer (the author of Twilight) self-insert.
Speaker A
For those of you out there who aren't aware, there's some writers who write a character that basically is themselves and they put them in the book, and that character always is like loved. Maybe it's therapeutic to write a character where all the boys love you. Well,
Speaker A
it's weird to write yourself as a teenager in high school as an adult woman where a bunch of teenage boys love you. I think that's a little odd. I can't defend you, Stephenie. Yeah, it's rough.
Speaker A
You know what else? Bella doesn't really have a personality, in my opinion. Her main personality is being awkward, just like a "not like those other girls" girl. She can't play volleyball, she's so clumsy. And her thing is—you know what it is? It's the 2010s version of the 1990s geek who
Speaker A
has glasses and they take the glasses off and she's hot. Where's Laney Boggs? Janie Briggs?
Speaker A
"She's got glasses and a ponytail!" Do you know what that's from? Not Another Teen Movie. Oh, that's Chris Evans. That's my Captain America. That's so funny. Yeah, it's like this thing in the 2010s where a lot of main characters that were girls are just so awkward,
Speaker A
but they're so pretty and all the boys love them. That's Bella Swan. Well, that's because that's how a stereotypical teen movie is portrayed. Right? Even an indie director like Catherine Hardwicke can't escape from that stupid stereotypical... which, by the way, that was an extremely diverse, well-dressed high school for a small town
Speaker A
on the coast of Washington. They had everybody there. But like, all the interactions with the high schoolers—don't they feel like not real high school? Like her one friend that she makes. She's like, "We should write a newspaper article about Speedo padding on the swim team."
Speaker A
In what school would that fly? Writing about boys packing their underwear? It just doesn't feel normal. It was "Hello, fellow youths." That's what it was. It's like an AI chatbot who's never really been in high school. "Well, write something about high school that normal
Speaker A
teenagers would have a conversation about." I mean, you talk about self-insert—Stephenie Meyer grew up Mormon. So did husband. I relate entirely too much to this. I don't like it.
Speaker A
But then the Cullens walk in and they look like they just came off of a Hamptons linens party. Do you know what I'm talking about? For some of you who might not know, the Hamptons is a very wealthy place in New York. A lot of rich people, celebrities,
Speaker A
tech guys. They have mansions in the Hamptons and everybody always has like a linen white theme party on the beach. You just feel rich. There was a stark lack of pajama pants and sweats at Forks High School in Twilight. That's true. They all were
Speaker A
relatively stylish. Was there a hoodie that wasn't fitted? I don't know. I know Bella wears her bowling shirt cuz she's not like those other girls. She has a bowling shirt. Oh my god.
Speaker A
There was not a single trucker hat, not a single flat-billed hat, not a single oversized hoodie, pajama pants, Cookie Monster pants, Hot Cheeto Girl... no. What? You know what they had, too, in the high school? They've got a salad bar. I did not have a salad
Speaker A
bar. Did you have a salad bar? I did not have a salad bar. So, the Cullens walk in in their finest summer linens. I don't know if you noticed this, but Emmett has a bag of hard-boiled eggs. "Human teenager. I, too, have my hard-boiled eggs."
Speaker A
Apparently, this is something that I heard. The actor who plays Emmett, his name is Kellan Lutz.
Speaker A
He was huge—big dude. I guess he was always just eating eggs just to get protein in. So, he would carry a plastic baggie of hard-boiled eggs around set and he'd just be knocking back eggs. Which, by the way, there's no way his farts didn't destroy worlds. We don't judge
Speaker A
anyone for maintaining their gains. Anyway, I think they call him Eggman. That's the meme.
Speaker A
Catherine Hardwicke saw him carrying a bag of eggs and she was like, "You should carry that into the scene where we first see the Cullens come in because it'll be funny." But also, it's kind of funny because it is—like, "This is what people eat, right? Just a bag of eggs?" Yeah,
Speaker A
I carried a bag of hard-boiled eggs with me in high school. Me too. Especially... yeah.
Speaker A
Eat some eggs. They're good for you. And then here, I'm going to demonstrate something.
Speaker A
Edward sits down like this. Ready? Wasn't it a little more like... I don't even think he was widening for stabilization. Bella ends up having a biology class with Edward from the cafeteria. They don't talk to anybody; they're too good for anybody at that high school. But
Speaker A
Bella has a class with him and he doesn't say anything to her. The fan blows on her, you know, and he's like... [makes face]. If there was a comforter on that desk in that biology scene, it would have looked like he was having a great orgasm, the way he was grabbing
Speaker A
at things. The bad overacting! Which is a shame cuz Robert Pattinson can act. Well, also during that scene, Kristen Stewart's doing a lot of like... [stutters]. I swear to god, if somebody was looking at me the way that Edward was looking at me, I'd be like,
Speaker A
"The [ __ ] is your problem? The [ __ ] is wrong with you, bro?" Cuz you're from the East Coast.
Speaker A
I'd be like, "Hey, the [ __ ] you think you're looking at?" No, she was like, "Do I smell?" And he's like, "It's [ __ ]!" That's probably one of the best parts about her character—she's passive. Passive-aggressive. That's what a West Coaster would do. Just a silly girl.
Speaker A
So after that weird interaction, she walks in on Edward trying to change classes and her feelings are very hurt. She's on the phone with her mom later that night.
Speaker A
Her mom is honestly one of the characters that annoys me the most where she's like, "I didn't lose my charger. It ran away from me. I repel technology." Losing a phone charger has nothing to do with repelling technology. Oh, she's so silly. What a silly mother.
Speaker A
It's as if this is being written by someone who's never experienced anything before and is having to interpret it. "You're so bad at technology." It was 2009. Again, you losing a cable doesn't mean you're bad at technology. I lose cables all the time. "I repel technology!"
Speaker A
And then her mom's like, "How's it going? Any boys?" And Bella's like this with her folder. It's 2025—every other day, you're like, "Babe, help me find my phone." You're just so bad with technology. I am bad with technology. No, I'm lazy. That's different.
Speaker A
I'm trying to reenact Bella. Her mom's like, "Any boys?" And Bella's like... [stammers]. It's overacting, like no subtlety whatsoever. Can we safely assume that they were never given the note "less is more" during any of these takes? "Hey, Kristen?
Speaker A
Really like what you're doing. Do a little less stuttering." She's like coughing and scoffing.
Speaker A
Okay, so after the whole ordeal with Edward looking like he had permanent stink-face, he doesn't show up to school for a couple days. The Cullens are still there and they're giving Bella weird looks. She's kind of isolating herself from the other kids cuz they're just
Speaker A
not cool enough. She's only interested in the Cullens. Let's do another reenactment. The friends are in the parking lot. Pretend to throw a piece of candy at me. That's what that scene's like when her friends are trying to get her attention. She's like, "I'm reading."
Speaker A
Did you ever throw a single balled-up piece of paper in any high school class? No, I never did a spitball or anything. I don't think I ever threw a single paper airplane. You know what we used to do in school? We used to sharpen number two pencils and throw them into the tile ceiling. In
Speaker A
the dropdown tiles. Yeah, I remember that. Never threw a single candy wrapper, balled-up piece of notebook paper... paper airplane. You know what was big in my school? The paper footballs.
Speaker A
Quarters. We played quarters. Oh my god, do you remember Knuckles? Yeah, only boys would play that. That's a stupid game for boys. That's what a woman would say. That's right. Woman.
Speaker A
Edward's finally back. We get the classic "How you liking the rain, girl?" from Mike.
Speaker A
But Edward's back and he's being like, "Hello, I'm Edward Cullen." I can't do it. Her and Edward are looking at anaphase or prophase... hold on, another reenactment. "Mind if I check?" "Sure." "Anaphase." "Like I said, anaphase." "Prophase." Oh my god. Yeah, they're connecting, I guess.
Speaker A
Flirting. Every interaction between them, I don't get it. I'm like, "Where's the connection?" I feel nothing. Were they dating at this time in real life? Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart—real-life couple for a long time. They probably started to like each other on
Speaker A
set. Where was the chemistry? Shouldn't that have translated? There's nothing written into the script for them to connect other than her talking about her stepdad.
Speaker A
So then they're in the hallway and he's asking her more about her mom, her stepdad, why she's here.
Speaker A
And then Bella notices his eyes and she's like, "Did you get contacts? Your eyes are a different color." And Edward goes, "It's the fluorescents," and he just turns away. I remember distinctly my friend and I would stare at each other's eyes and say, "It's the fluorescents!" all the time.
Speaker A
We get the infamous parking lot scene. The van is out of control and suddenly Edward's there and he saves her. He just gets up and walks away and she's like, "What the [ __ ] just happened?" Wouldn't it have been so cool if Bella just died?
Speaker A
Yes. So Bella's at the hospital and we meet Carlisle Cullen, who is the patriarch. That guy, the actor Peter Facinelli—he's in a movie from the '90s called Can't Hardly Wait. He plays a jock named Mike Dexter. And he runs around the whole movie yelling, "I'm Mike Dexter!"
Speaker A
So again, my friend and I would just yell, "I'm Mike Dexter!" Cherish those people you've been making super obscure references with for 15 plus years. Keep them close to your heart.
Speaker A
Carlisle's introduction—he's an attending physician working at the hospital in Forks, which by the way, I don't think there's a hospital that size in Forks. They're getting ambulanced over to Port Angeles. Shouldn't all the Cullens have doctorates?
Speaker A
What if they don't want to be doctors? What are you doing with your immortality? Falling in love with teenagers? I legitimately think they're all just [ __ ] and going to high school. But spoiler alert, we learn much later in the series that when vampires... anyway, what are you doing
Speaker A
with 80 plus years of immortality? If you don't sleep, you can't sleep. Shouldn't you be reading medical texts and becoming a Rhodes Scholar? Maybe if you're a vampire written by Stephenie Meyer.
Speaker A
I've got a lot to say about the age thing. It's my turn. Carlisle looks so uncanny. Like, how are people not looking at these Cullenses and being like, "You guys look [ __ ] weird." They couldn't do this for the movie, but book-wise, didn't Carlisle turn when he was like 23?
Speaker A
They all look like they're the same age. You know what's crazy? I had to read the first Twilight book for a college course. For an English seminar called "Love and Marriage." I don't remember a god damn thing from it. Husband over here read all of the Twilight books. Congratulations on coming out.
Speaker A
Would I be sitting here making this content with you if I didn't have this background knowledge? He's my expert witness. My Twilight expert.
Speaker A
So, the Cullens are in the hospital in the corner and Rosalie's like, "You should have just let that [ __ ] die." And you know what, Rosie? I agree. And then Bella's like, "You saved me. You got to the car so fast." And he's like,
Speaker A
"Nobody's going to [ __ ] believe you. Shut the [ __ ] up." He gaslit the [ __ ] out of her! He's a dick. There's nothing chivalrous. Girls like that. They kind of do. "He's so dark and brooding
Speaker A
and dangerous for you." Bella experiences a lot of danger. "I love him. I can fix him." Idiot.
Speaker A
Anyway, so that night, Bella's asleep. She's having like a dream and she sleeps like this. Who sleeps like that? It's like sexy sleeping, but I sleep like... nothing is cute about it. Character is supposed to be 17. Yeah, she's
Speaker A
staged and her blocking was "sexy sleep." And then Edward's just standing there over her bed, leering. It's implied that she thinks she's dreaming, but he's really standing there.
Speaker A
Next major beat—"Hey, we're all going down to La Push!" We're going to the beach. Mike's like, "You're alive!" And she's staring at Edward across the parking lot. "Do you want to go to prom with me?" And she's like, "I can't dance." [Spasms mouth]. "I can't dance."
Speaker A
And then there's a scene—they go to the greenhouse place. That one kid's got a worm on a stick. "It's a worm! It's a worm!" Bella's like, "Look at these immature high school kids. I want to [ __ ] the
Speaker A
vampire. I don't have time for worms." You know who outdid most of the principal cast in terms of acting? The bio teacher. He's a real actor. "Green means good. Go." I wonder if he's an environmental activist. "I'm going to deliver the message of recycling to the broadest YA audience I can."
Speaker A
The gang's all going out to La Push. Surf. Bella invites Edward and he's like, "The beach is a bit crowded." But then they show the beach and there's nobody there.
Speaker A
What does that mean? And then Jacob appears out of nowhere. Edward comes up and some of his friends are like, "The Cullens don't come here." Jacob tells Bella about the Quileute history—how they're supposedly descended from wolves. And that the pale faces were like,
Speaker A
"We're not like the other pale faces. The Cold Ones." So they made a pact with them.
Speaker A
I have an issue with this timing-wise. How old is Edward? He was turned in like 1918 during the Spanish influenza. They make it seem like the tribe origin with these Cold Ones is hundreds of years old, but the pact is at most a century old. That was badly explained.
Speaker A
Edward was the first one that Carlisle turned, and he was only turned post-1900. In that flashback scene, they were wearing newsie hats. The timing makes no sense.
Speaker A
Anyway, Bella starts Googling stuff. It tickles me when they show web browsers and it's like shitty knockoff Google interfaces and the mouse moves. I love the shitty Google interface Bella is using.
Speaker A
It's on par with Kelly Rowland texting Nelly in Microsoft Excel. "Where you at?" She finds that bookstore in Port Angeles. Her friends are all trying on dresses and she's sitting there moody. "This isn't really your thing, is it?" Basically: "Oh, Bella,
Speaker A
it's not really your thing to hang out with your friends because you're a bad [ __ ] friend." She's a Pick-me! She's the Pick-me prototype cuz she doesn't really have female friends.
Speaker A
She goes around Port Angeles, gets her book, and it's dark. There's a group of guys. I love how they surround her—it's the most coordinated gang I've ever seen. It was like the Sharks and the Jets. "We're here to [ __ ] you." Tearing up my clothes... and then Edward rolls up in his car.
Speaker A
Little Volvo. [ __ ] off. I don't think that's a cool car. Stephanie Meyer specifically talked to her husband cuz he was a mechanic and asked what a cool sporty car was, and he name-dropped that specific model of Volvo. Volvos aren't sexy. You know who drives a Volvo? Gus Fring from Breaking
Speaker A
Bad. Because he's a very pragmatic, safe man. It's not a vampire car; it's a drug kingpin car.
Speaker A
So, Bella's about to be assaulted and Edward just shows up. He does a J-turn.
Speaker A
He walks up to the thugs and he goes like this: [growls]. If somebody growled at me, I wouldn't be scared. All the vampires act like cats. Real talk, if a bunch of Pacific Northwest bros had a twinkie-looking sparkly-skin vampire roll up on them in a nice peacacoat...
Speaker A
So then Bella and Edward are at a restaurant. All I kept thinking was that they're so [ __ ] boring.
Speaker A
"But I can mind read. What are they thinking about? Sex. Cat. Cat. Sex." And then Bella's like, "You can't read my mind. What's wrong with me?" And Edward's like, "I tell you that I can read minds and you ask what's wrong with you." Silly girl.
Speaker A
They leave the restaurant, get to the police station. Waylan—Bella's dad's friend, Croc Santa—gets killed by this rogue pack of sexy vampires. James, Laurent (who's dressed like an old-timey Frenchman), and Victoria (who wears that synthetic rag like a bath mat to death).
Speaker A
The bad sexy vampires are the cheesiest part. They're just one-dimensional villains. "We're just evil." I'm sorry George R.R. Martin couldn't write your Twilight villains.
Speaker A
Why is Waylan's dead body at the police station? Shouldn't it be at the hospital?
Speaker A
And why is his dead foot dangling out with a toe tag? It's ridiculous. The next day, Bella follows Edward into the woods. "How old are you?" "17." "How long have you been 17?" "A while." Listen, that's not how [ __ ] age works! You're
Speaker A
circling the sun. You have been on the earth for more than 17 years. You're a hundred-something years old. You're a weirdo. Edward grabs her: "I have to show you what I really look like." Tell me: why do they [ __ ] glow? If you want to have your vampires twinkle like diamonds,
Speaker A
that's fine. Why, though? "This is the skin of a killer, Bella." But why do they glow? "Cuz they're so beautiful." Stupid. You can't have a fantasy world and not explain why.
Speaker A
"I want to kill you." And she takes that as "That's so hot." How much he loves her. "I trust you. You won't hurt me." It's giving those women who write serial killers in jail. If that serial killer gets out, he's definitely going to kill you! Red flags everywhere. And then:
Speaker A
"You're my own personal brand of heroin." News flash: heroin is everybody's personal brand of heroin! It's not engineered specifically for each person. Again, written by someone who grew up in a Mormon community—they don't know that heroin is generic.
Speaker A
After the whole "I'm going to murder you" scene, they lay in that meadow. Why don't you ever take me to a meadow and stare at me? I'm not a 100-year-old pedophilic vampire.
Speaker A
They show up at school together. He's wearing sunglasses. There's clearly sun out in that scene—he should be glowing like a [ __ ] diamond. He's not.
Speaker A
Carlisle is a doctor trying to save people. Why does he only turn hot young people? He turned Esme to be his "boo thing." He picked a select group of hotties and that's it. It's eugenics! And why does Edward hate being a vampire but not hate Carlisle for turning him?
Speaker A
They go to the Cullens for dinner. They're cooking Italiano. Rosalie's like, "Is she even Italian?" "Her name is Bella." I think that's a genuinely funny line. And then Rosalie crushes the salad bowl. So dramatic. Maybe when you turn, you get
Speaker A
frozen in whatever state of maturity you're in, which is why they all act like [ __ ] teenagers.
Speaker A
Jasper—let's do our best Jasper faces. [Makes face]. Esme's like, "Clean it up," like a mom to Rosalie. But they're both ancient now, aren't they?
Speaker A
Edward shows Bella his room. He has the most pedestrian taste in music for the time. And then the point about continuity: Billy says it's the "first Mariners game of the season," but later Bella's mom says Phil is still doing "spring training." Bad continuity!
Speaker A
Edward shows up in Bella's room. PSA: If somebody tells you they've been breaking into your house to watch you sleep—they don't love you. They are a serial killer. Put some bars on your doors.
Speaker A
Then that weird kissing scene. "Stay very still. Don't move." They're making out and he just can't handle it. A lot of quivering. He flings himself back and goes, "Stop!" You're the one doing it!
Speaker A
That is 100% Mormon-teen coded. "We want to [ __ ], but we're not gonna [ __ ]." Then the baseball scene. Why are they LARPing as baseball players? They're all wearing jerseys and high socks. Esme's hat is like a
Speaker A
"mom on vacation" hat. "We have to wait till it thunders to play baseball." It really does not thunderstorm in the Pacific Northwest! There's more thunder in Arizona.
Speaker A
The bad vampires show up. Standoff. The wind changes and James smells Bella's hair. If their senses are so acute, is a slight wind enough to keep him from smelling her when she's 10 feet away? He's supposed to be a tracker! "You brought
Speaker A
a snack." And then it turns into Cats the Musical. "We're cats! We're cats!" James is now going to kill Bella. Edward's like throwing her in the car. "We need to go home because my dad's there." Edward goes, "It doesn't matter." Of course her dad matters!
Speaker A
He's perfectly fine with Charlie being torn to shreds. Bella has to pretend to be mad at Edward to get her father to let her leave. She's super mean to Charlie. "I'm going to be stuck here eating hamburgers and cobblers at the diner." Not a father on this [ __ ] planet would look at his
Speaker A
16-year-old daughter and be like, "Okay, fine. You can drive from Washington to Arizona." He's a sheriff! He's definitely been called out to a domestic dispute. Just put her in some cuffs!
Speaker A
They're trying to trick James. They've got Bella's jacket and they're rubbing it on things. James tricks Bella: "I've got your mom." There's a convenient VHS tape of her mother reacting to Bella sitting in a closet. James had to stop at Forks High School to get her personal
Speaker A
information. Forks High School doesn't do a good job protecting student privacy. Bella shows up at the old ballet studio. James flips out the camcorder: "I'm going to make a snuff film." They brought up this bear spray three times! Foreshadowing! And
Speaker A
then she sprays it in his eyes and literally nothing happens. What is the [ __ ] point?
Speaker A
He breaks her leg. Edward shows up. They're fighting. James looks Edward in the eye and bites her. Jasper is there—why is he not losing his [ __ ]? There's so much blood! They kill James by popping his head off like a Barbie doll. It seems really easy to kill a vampire.
Speaker A
Edward has to save Bella by sucking the vampire poison out. Carlisle basically told Edward to edge. Imagine: you've worked hard, you bought your ballet studio. You come in the next morning and all your [ __ ] mirrors are broken, floorboards annihilated,
Speaker A
a fire has been started. The Cullens ruined this poor person's business! Bella's in the hospital. Her mom's like, "Bella, you fell down a flight of steps and went through a window." Does that hospital not have a social worker? A minor experiences
Speaker A
a major trauma and nobody blinks an eye because Bella's so [ __ ] clumsy.
Speaker A
Prom scene. "The Stew-bot" scene when she was short-circuiting. Charlie seems fine with Edward in his house. Bella has the "She's All That" staircase scene. She's got one Chuck Taylor on and one walking boot. Jacob appears out of the woods in a bad lace-front wig.
Speaker A
"My dad says to stop dating your boyfriend." They're talking about forever. Victoria is watching them from the balcony. Twilight movies have soundtracks they don't deserve.
Speaker A
I used to be ashamed that I liked the Twilight movies. I think they are "fun bad." It's come back around to being... well, it's a bad story turned into a bad film. If you don't analyze it through a critical eye, it can be fun. We're going to do all of them—New Moon is next. Until then,
Speaker A
I'm Rae Arcade. I'm husband. And this is husband. I'll see you next time. Bye!
Topics:TwilightTwilight retrospectiveRae ArcadeKristen StewartBella SwanEdward CullenPacific NorthwestStephenie MeyervampiresTwilight House Airbnb
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