Speaker A
If I'd had the money, I could have been living in a swinging condo instead of with—I'd better not say anything 'til I've had my coffee.
A compilation of Dorothy's funniest and most savage moments from The Golden Girls, showcasing her sharp wit and iconic comebacks.
Key Takeaways
- Dorothy is known for her sharp, sarcastic humor and quick comebacks.
- The Golden Girls uses humor to explore everyday social and personal issues.
- The chemistry between characters is key to the show's enduring appeal.
- Audience reactions highlight the effectiveness of the comedic delivery.
- Dorothy’s character often balances humor with realism and skepticism.
Summary
- Dorothy delivers biting humor and sarcastic remarks, often at the expense of her friends.
- The transcript highlights Dorothy's interactions with Blanche, Rose, and Sophia, filled with playful insults and witty banter.
- Themes include relationships, aging, and social etiquette, all approached with comedic irony.
- Dorothy mocks Blanche’s dating history and physical appearance with sharp, memorable lines.
- The humor is enhanced by audience laughter and applause, indicating a live studio setting.
- The dialogue references classic Golden Girls scenarios, such as dealing with superstitions, fears, and social situations.
- Dorothy often plays the role of the realist or skeptic among the group.
- The transcript captures the dynamic and chemistry between the main characters.
- The video is a tribute to Dorothy’s character, emphasizing her role as the show’s sarcastic backbone.
- The tone is lighthearted and comedic, with a focus on quick wit and timing.
Full Transcript — Download SRT & Markdown
Speaker A
(audience laughs) A slut and a moron. (audience laughs) I'm sorry, it must be decaf.
Speaker A
(audience laughs) (lighthearted jingle) Oh, come on, Ma. That's superstitious nonsense. You know, step on a crack, break your mother's back.
Speaker A
It doesn't work. I know. (audience laughs) I tried. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- I think I can handle this relationship with Dirk.
Speaker A
I'm going out with him Saturday night.
Speaker A
- Was there ever any doubt? (audience chuckles)
Speaker A
- Momentarily.
Speaker A
This is strictly off the record but, Dirk's nearly five years younger than I am.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- In what, Blanche, dog years? (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Blanche Devereaux? (audience groans)
Speaker A
- Just a moment.
Speaker A
(audience chuckles) (audience laughs and applauds)
Speaker A
- My God. My rear tires have less pressure in them.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- What is it? I heard screams, what's happening?
Speaker A
- Nothing. Everything's fine, Blanche.
Speaker A
- We never should have watched "Psycho." (audience laughs) For 25 years I have avoided that picture.
Speaker A
Even when Stan invited me to the Roxy instead of over to his mother's house for dinner.
Speaker A
And it turned out that my instincts were right. Norman Bates is scarier than my mother-in-law.
Speaker A
(audience laughs) And a much better dresser.
Speaker A
- Oh, I never should have watched it either.
Speaker A
It always upsets me, especially that shower scene. Why it's the reason I prefer not to shower alone.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Sure, Blanche. And Goldilocks and the three bears is why you prefer not to sleep alone.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Honey, you all right?
Speaker A
- I'll be fine.
Speaker A
- Is this about Arnie?
Speaker A
- No, Blanche, she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Oh girls, I'm so sorry to be late.
Speaker A
I ran out of gas on the way home. It was just horrible. Nobody would stop to help me.
Speaker A
This could never have happened in the Old South. (audience chuckles) What has become of chivalry?
Speaker A
When men used to open doors for you, pull out your chair, tip their hat, kiss your hand, help you down outta your carriage.
Speaker A
Leave calling cards in little silver salvers. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- So how far back do you want to go, Blanche?
Speaker A
I mean, do you still want to be able to vote? (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Move it.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- We're gonna miss our plane. What are we gonna do?
Speaker A
- Listen girls, I have an idea.
Speaker A
Now I'm gonna create a diversion by bending over and picking up something seductively. Then the two of you sneak up behind him and give him a karate chop.
Speaker A
- Blanche, what do we look like, Charlie's Angels? (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- I have been told I bear a striking resemblance to Ms. Cheryl Ladd.
Speaker A
(audience laughs) Although my bosoms are perkier. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Not even if you were hanging upside down on a trapeze.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Wait, how many boyfriends could a naive farmer's daughter possibly have had?
Speaker A
(audience chuckles)
Speaker A
- 56. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Excuse me?
Speaker A
- I had about 56 boyfriends.
Speaker A
Of course, that was before I knew Charlie. I probably would've had more, but I wasn't allowed to start dating till I was a senior.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- 56? 56?
Speaker A
- Oh God, stand back, she's gonna blow!
Speaker A
- What do you mean you had 56 boyfriends?
Speaker A
You told me you were a virgin until you got married.
Speaker A
- Hey, you can have a boyfriend without having to go all the way!
Speaker A
- You cannot. (audience laughs) If that were true, Rose, that would mean you were a slut.
Speaker A
- Oh, come on, Blanche. How can you say that? So the woman had 56 boyfriends in one year?
Speaker A
She's not a slut.
Speaker A
- Thank you, Dorothy.
Speaker A
- She is the slut. (audience laughs) She is the Grand Poobah of slutdom.
Speaker A
(audience laughs) She is the easiest woman in this room.
Speaker A
- Dorothy Zbornak, you take that back.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- The slut is dead, long live the slut. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- 98 pounds.
Speaker A
I can't remember the last time I weighed 98. Probably college.
Speaker A
- Where'd you go to college, Blanche?
Speaker A
The University of Jupiter? (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Dorothy, do you realize it's only two weeks till Phyllis Strickler's Memorial Day beach party?
Speaker A
That and there's only two weeks till we have to get back to our bathing suits again.
Speaker A
Well, I just slipped into last year's bikini, and I think I look pretty good, but you give me your honest advice.
Speaker A
Can I still pull it off?
Speaker A
- Right now I'd be surprised if you could cut it off.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Dorothy, come look at these old pictures. I think I must've been about 10 years old in this one.
Speaker A
Big Daddy just taught me how to ride a horse. (chuckles)
Speaker A
- You were quite a little porker back then, weren't you?
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- I was a little chunky, that's all.
Speaker A
- Blanche, the horse's eyes are crossed.
Speaker A
(audience laughs) (Dorothy laughs) You were fat!
Speaker A
- Every little girl goes through that ugly stage.
Speaker A
- Yeah, ugly, yes, but this is ugly and fat! (laughs) (audience laughs)
Speaker A
Rose, why don't we just show Mr. Vaughn around the theater?
Speaker A
- Well, why don't I just do that myself? Since I've had the most experience performing here.
Speaker A
- Blanche, the parking lot doesn't count, I'll do it. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- They were probably looking for drugs.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- We have Maalox and estrogen. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- I'll make it up to you, Dorothy, I promise.
Speaker A
Listen, if there's ever a night where you can't sleep, I'll come to your room and sing "Kumbaya." (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Rose, I don't know what to say. (chuckles)
Speaker A
Yes, I do. (audience laughs) Don't ever do that. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- I just had a thought.
Speaker A
- Congratulations.
Speaker A
- Way to go. (audience laughs) (Rose screams) (Dorothy screams) (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Oh, Dorothy, what do you mean sneaking up on me like that?
Speaker A
You scared me half to death!
Speaker A
- I'm sorry, Rose. Next time I walk into a dark room in the middle of the night, I'll send a mariachi band ahead of me.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Mrs. Zbornak.
Speaker A
- Mrs. Petrillo. (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Oh good, you two are talking.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- We're not talking. I'm still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker.
Speaker A
- That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker.
Speaker A
- Oh please, Rose!
Speaker A
Spare me the endless inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck.
Speaker A
(audience laughs) And how their daughter was a bull-duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.
Speaker A
(audience laughs)
Speaker A
- Dorothy, Sophia, I told the news director I was interested in the reporter's position.
Speaker A
And guess what he did?
Speaker A
- A Danny Thomas spit-take? (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- We have everything we need for the cruise.
Speaker A
- Girls listen, maybe we don't have everything we need.
Speaker A
- What, what are we missing?
Speaker A
- Well, we are going away for a romantic weekend at The Bahamas with Jeff and Rich and Randy.
Speaker A
In this day and age, it might be a good idea to take along some protection.
Speaker A
- What kind of protection? (audience chuckles)
Speaker A
- Two armed Pinkerton guards. (audience laughs) No, Blanche is talking about...
Speaker A
- A Nestle's Crunch? (audience laughs)
Speaker A
- One over.
Topics:Dorothy ZbornakGolden GirlsTV Landcomedysarcasmwitty banterclassic sitcomBlanche DevereauxRose NylundSophia Petrillo
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