"You're 32 And Sound Like An 18 Year-Old Whiner"

I need help understanding or framing out how do I tell my mom I am starting to resent her after some financial choices that she's made. Okay, how old is your mom?

She's

60.

And how old are you?

32.

Okay. So why does it affect you?

So she has been a successful medical professional in the physical therapy practice world. She has three clinics and was a single mom and supported me and my sister for the majority of our life. And as an adult, we've had mutual respect for our business decisions. And five years ago, she um sold her clinics or her interest in them and her home to move in with her long-term fiance. And she took those proceedings and made his dream happen of opening up a diner. And they did that at a somewhat opportune time where other diners were liquidating their equipment. They were able to purchase that and it's been very successful over the last five years. However, as the diner got stronger, their relationship got weaker and they broke off the engagement and she moved out earlier this year. He then bought out her interest in the diner, uh but not directly, not on one month's loan. He is paying in monthly installments. And her investment there was about uh half of her profits from the sale of the business and the home. And at this point, it's going to take another 15 years to recoup that. So it's coming back.

So how does this affect you?

Well, we've been in a family dynamic where we go on vacations together. Um we plan holidays together and she's made promises to me and my sister about being included on a home purchase and planning a wedding and I'm going to be engaged and she's promised that she'd like to be committed to that. And now I'm having those feelings that she had the finances to make her fiance's dreams come true, but now, um where is that money for our dreams? Um when when uh, you know, she's saying that the money just isn't there. So.

You're not going to like me.

You're not going to like me.

That's okay.

If I need a kick in the pants, go for it. And I'm going to tell you right now, I already second whatever his motion is about to be.

You're you're 32 years old.

Okay. You you sound like an 18-year-old whining that your mommy didn't give you something. Your mom's a single mom, grew something from nothing. She had nothing and she built this thing out of out of the dirt with her hands. And then she lost it. You should be heartbroken for her, mad at the twerp with the diner, not worried about yourself.

I have been. I I um

But you've been mad at him because he got your money's way you're acting.

Uh, yeah, we've we've been on vacations where I've, you know, covered the bill. I treated for her 60th birthday trip earlier this year and

Yeah. Well, if you don't want to do that, that's fine. Or if you can't do that because you're saving for your own wedding, that's okay. Because she made these choices. You don't have to cover her travel bill, but on the other hand, I I don't think she, you know, she's not obligated to pay for a 32-year-old woman's wedding as a single mom who lost her money to a bad relationship.

Yeah, I think that's where I have to identify where those feelings came from.

Yeah, I I think I think if I were you, I would parse out the two things. Number one is what are you required to do for her? Nothing. She she'll make it. She's okay. And you know, let her go, let her release her on what she was thinking she was going to be able to do for you, but now has messed up and is not able to. And so, um, yeah, any expectation that she gives you money should turn and not be there anymore and turn into gratitude for what she's already done for you.

Yeah, and on the question that you worded it, how do I tell my mom I resent her? That implies that you haven't said anything yet. I think it's okay to communicate two emotions that are hurt, that you're that you're mad and that you're sad. And I think as an adult, you honor your mother, but you can have an honest conversation and I think it's probably important for you to get that off your chest, but in a way that is respectful and honoring and then move on. But you got to acknowledge that you're mad and you're sad.

Mainly though, sad for her.

Not mad because I didn't get something.

Well, it's okay for her to say, I'm mad that she made this promise and she can't keep it. We'll get to move on. Do you know what I mean? Like it's like it is what it is. About 30 seconds.

That's what I'm saying. But go ahead and deal with it because she's misplacing, the way the question is framed, I'm misplacing my emotions toward all towards my mom and and I just think that that's unhealthy. This is a lady who did a lot for you. So if you want to go on vacation, you set the terms in your mind, you and your sis, and you go, this is what we're going to do for mom and we're not going to resent her. We're not going to be gripy about it.

Or we don't do it. You don't do it at all. Don't have her on vacation. I don't, you know, I'm not able to do this right now because I'm saving for my own wedding and that's a perfectly reasonable answer.

That is.

Uh, she did make her own bed in that sense.

Yeah.

Uh, but but um, but no, I I um, yeah, I

mainly

I'm

going

to

be

sad

for

her

and

deciding

how

much

I'm

willing

to

do

to

help

her.

My concern for myself needs to be close to zero in this. You're too old for that.

That's

exactly

right.

That's

my

point.

Yeah.

That's

exactly

right.

I agree

with

you.

Move

on.

That's

that's

well,

just

move

on

with

it

and

and

um,

it's

um,

and

here's

the

thing.

I

think

Dr.

John

we're

here

he

would

say,

you're

probably

playing

these

tapes

over

and

over

like

42

times

in

your

head

every

day.

Yeah.

It'll

be

really

good

to

get

the

tapes

out

of

your

head.

Yeah.

It'll be really good to get the tapes out of your head.

Yeah.

And just let them let them go somewhere else. Just let them let them go off into the sunset and just then just smile and go, Mom messed up and you know, she did good for a while and then she messed up and that's just mom, you know, that's right.

That's

right.

Well,

to your point, you can't be full of gratitude and full of anger at the same time. So, let's just be an adult and let's focus on what we're grateful for. This woman did a lot for you.

Yeah.

Against the odds, by the way. Single mom, three clinics. I mean, she's not a doofus.

She just doesn't pick men well.